A Children’s Treasury of Brand-New Birther Theories To Explain Eveything

  god forbid they re-examine their beliefs

Hey, that James Bond character's a birther?
Hey, everybody found America’s First Dentist Orly Taitz. “In those days nobody wrote African as a race, it just wasn’t one of the options. It sounds like it would be written today, in the age of political correctness, and not in 1961 when they wrote white or Asian or ‘Negro,’” she said. Aha! So even though Obama’s father was distinguished in society as a foreign African rather than an American Negro, birth certificates were blind to these differences. Sure. Birthers are very creative! President Obama finally gave them the one thing for which they asked, and to avoid just finally shutting up, they refuse to accept it.

Oh, this is fun too:

“In Obama’s Selective Service [document], his social security is listed as a Connecticut Social Security number,” said Taitz, who has tried to have forgeries introduced into court filings before.

Over at WorldNetDaily, they say that the wife of the doctor who signed the form is a bureaucrat in Hawaii. The doctor, conveniently, is dead. (He’s rotting in a shallow grave with Vince Foster somewhere.)

Sinclair’s wife, Ivalee Mae Sinclair, 82, works for the state of Hawaii’s legislature.

In January, she was elected chairman of the Special Education Task Force of the Department of Education, a panel she has been on since its founding by the state legislature in 2007.

Even WND is unsure how this points to conspiracy, but, uh, you know! Rarrrrrrr! 82-year-old woman nobody’s heard of before, rarrrrrr! Scary!

Jerome Corsi is releasing a book through WND’s press in a few days. It’s called Where’s the Birth Certificate?. (The answer to this title: on the front page of every news site today.) But:

“Public pressure finally forced Obama to do what he did today. Now the game begins,” said Corsi. “Nixon thought he could stop the Watergate scandal from unfolding by releasing a few tapes. All that did was fuel the fire.”

See, back in Nixon’s day, everyone was claiming Nixon wasn’t a penguin. “But I am a penguin, you ingrates!” Nixon yelled. He released some tapes, but there was nothing on them about being a penguin. So this is the same thing. It’s Watergate.

And look, “historians” found a random quote:

Representative John Bingham of Ohio, a principal framer of the Fourteenth Amendment, offered some definition for presidential qualifications in a discussion in the House on March 9, 1866: “[I] find no fault with the introductory clause [S. 61 Bill], which is simply declaratory of what is written in the Constitution, that every human being born within the jurisdiction of the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty is, in the language of your Constitution itself, a natural born citizen.”

“So according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president,” wrote Klein.

Perfect. The truth is easy to avoid when you use a little imagination! Try it out sometime, kids. All these adults are providing you the perfect example. [Twitter/TPM/Ben Smith/WND/WND/WND]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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640 comments

    1. axmxz

      It's like Lewis Carroll 2.1: How is a teatard like a physicist?

      (Answer: because POPTARTS!!1!!!)

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Possibly something like those egg-layers in Aliens? I think it has to include a tri-cornered hat at some point in the process.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Oh, yes! Good point! Ouch! Might explain a lot about the birthers, however. Not that we really want to know.

          1. Extemporanus

            Thanks, B-ness!

            It's no jaw-poppingly huge strap-on number like you're sportin', but I will love it just the same.

          2. Barb

            Yeah, my good friend e-mailed me last night and told me about Bama. I emailed Nancy and I await her response. Thanks for your concern.
            I don't watch the weather forecast much here in new Mexico. Mostly, it's hot and dry desert stuff.

          1. Extemporanus

            Could you and Barb please stop sword fighting right in front of my fucking face?!

            It's hard to gaze lustfully at my new 11-incher with your two comically disproportionate p-nesses all up in my grill and shit.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      I'm not going to say whether that video was funny or not to inflate your ego…but let's just say this much, I've been constimipated for three weeks and thanks to you, I can no longer put that on job applications as a skill….

  1. chascates

    All of these peabrains refuse to accept a public record but overwhelmingly believe in an invisible Space Giant who listens to the inner thoughts of over six billion people (well, listening to his believers anyway) and judges them on emotions and behaviors he himself gave them!

      1. CalamityJames

        Hi, is there any chance I could get a few of thoses lashes from your noodly appendage, Elviously?

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      They also believe the evidence proving evolution, (you know, fossils, DNA) is still too flimsy for their comfort level. But hey! Elijah totally rocked that fiery chariot to heaven. Because it's in the bible….DUH!

      1. OC_Surf_Serf

        Stopped believing in God before I stopped believing in Santa…even to my 8-year-old eyes, Santa was at least plausible

          1. tessiee

            And there were chocolate Santas, but no chocolate Jeebuses, therefore Santa was clearly superior.

      2. ArmoredBore

        These people who put more faith in a rotten old war manual than our best thinkers are often the same ones who would rather give a convicted man a gun than a gay man a typewriter.

        And for my next impression, me being surprised!

      3. HistoriCat

        Well everyone knows the bible is the word of god because it says so in the bible. Double DUH!

        1. weejee

          ♪♫ And all reason goes 'round and down
          And the birther homies jump up and down
          They're captive on a carousel insane
          They can't let go with heads up behinds
          From where they came
          And go round and round and round
          In the circle game ♫♪

    2. harry_palmer

      You're not actuallly judged for your behavior, but whether or not you believe you're going to be judged by an incredibly insecure all-powerful space giant. As for the emotions and behaviors He gave us, He seems to have fucked it up so bad that He had to torture and murder His own son to appease His own anger. Since that apparently didn't work either, He's going to destroy the world (and not for the first time). I hear He's penciled in May 21st. Because He's the God of love. For myself, I can't wait to meet all you people in hell – it's gonna be the best party ever.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Well said, I often wonder why following Mr. Not So Very Pleasant is so popular. He's a fuck-up engineer (I mean, look at us) with a nasty anger management problem. He certainly comes across as a fella who would be a real downer at parties.

          1. jqheywood

            Yeah….I mean, really, what kind of idiot engineer puts a sewage plant next to an amusement park?

          1. comrad_darkness

            Yeah, and more of that will not be needed. Unless it happens to be Hell's opposite day.

            Confusing as Hell showing up in Hell on opposite day.

    3. mumbly_joe

      I can do ya one better- they also claim to love the Constitution, even though the Constitution pretty unambiguously states that any state-issued document that's good enough for the courts of Hawaii is necessarily good enough for the rest of the country. Full Faith and Credit Clause, for the sad.

      I mentioned this over there, and… oh, hey, look at that! The Breittards just downfisted the Constitution.

  2. nounverb911

    "“In Obama’s Selective Service [document], his social security is listed as a Connecticut Social Security number,” said Taitz, who has tried to have forgeries introduced into court filings before. "

    Obama was born in Connecticut? Sounds foreign to me.

      1. OurHoboSenator

        All good answers. Except for yours, WordSaladNation. I can't just take your word for that. Needz moar birf certifikat!

  3. Canmon

    The birth certificate does not indicate whether he is "natural born" (as required under the Constitution) or born through c-section. Why won't Obama agree to exhume his mother so we can check for a scar? What is he trying to hide?

      1. FelixCulpa

        In Christopher Hitchens' autobiography, he recounts how he and some friends once amused themselves over lunch trying to come up with Robert Ludlum-style names for Shakespeare plays….Macbeth became, "The Dunsinane Reforestation."

        On that line…perhaps we should call this "The Oahu Obloquy"?

      1. axmxz

        Geez, why not Titus Andronicus? There's a black guy in that one too.

        Obama doesn't belong in a Shakespeare play. Stoppard play, maybe.

    1. DaRooster

      Uh… retards? Crazy people?

      You know… Teabaggers… but not now because there is one… So… NEXT WACKO THEORY!

          1. CalamityJames

            Ok, so now you're saying he smells furrin!?!?

            Oh fuck it, I quit. I'm probably just feeding their imaginations now.

        1. HELisforHEL

          Wait what? Nooooo I can't believe people would be stupid enough, boneheaded enough, fucking witless enough to be panic stricken by a person's pigmentation, who would…AHAHAHAHAHA I kill me.

    2. RavenRant

      Tragically, it appears that President Obama or his advisors thought this was actually about a birth certificate.

      The fact that releasing this document would only encourage the birther hysteria was 100% predicable.

      1st Rule: Don't feed the trolls!

      1. CalamityJames

        Dear doG, Raven, your p-ness has doubled in the last 12 hours! Share your secret. Pumps? Pills?

        1. RavenRant

          The same as the secret behind all my successes in life: Sheer Dumb Luck. Perhaps they are ‘mercy ps’?

      2. wegot2dobetter

        Nah, I disagree. Barry's way too smart to believe this was about the birth certificate. This was about making the front-runner Republican candidate and those of his ilk look like idiots. Sucks that he had to do this, but i think it is a huge political calculation and ultimately a win, once again making Obama look like the only adult in the room.

        1. RavenRant

          If only we had an adult populace. Sorry, but the "Say it loud, we're stooopid and proud," contingent seems to be growing exponentially in this country. I suspect a brain virus or parasitic brain worms that thrive on corn syrup.

          Sadly, whatever the cause, it doesn't seem to impede its victims from rolling their rascals to the polls and voting.

          1. RavenRant

            They should have billed it as a documentary. We were supposed to have generations before it got this bad.

        2. HELisforHEL

          Agreed. He's a crafty politician, and I mean that in the best way in this case. I wish he'd employ 'craftiness' more often, actually. And once again, he came across as the only guy wearing his big-boy pants, chastising the lazy idiot press corp too. I like this Obama 2.0, I hope he sticks around.

    3. GOPCrusher

      Got to give the Birther Scum credit though, despite the fact that they look like the racist lunatic fringe that they are, they intend to go down in a Red, White, and Blue Blaze of Glory.

    4. TheSheriffsNear

      That's what my forum name and avatar are all about.

      Mel Brooks was precient. It's all right there in Rockridge.

      1. widestanceroman

        Thanks. What that I could accept them all, I would,

        It's sir, BTW. I need a better avatar, this one is Sarah's head on a toddler body, rather disturbing–when you can see it–but it suggests another gender of its owner.

        1. HistoriCat

          Domesticated animals are the avatars of choice for those of us who lack other, cooler pictures …

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            My avatar is an actual photo of me, that my then 4-year-old and I messed about with while I showed her fun stuff you can do with iPhoto and MacPaint.

            She was all chirpy about the whole concept of 'auras,' which came up during the session.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        That's why Faux News is "fair and balanced": They give facts and fantasy equal time. More or less.

  4. memzilla

    Analysis courtesy of Wile E. Coyote… Sooper Genius.

    It's just amazing to see how Obama seemingly answers the Birthers while keeping the Righties slavering and the Rethuglicans stumbling with it.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wait – isn't it ILLEGAL to release a Hawaiian long form certificate? OBAMA is a crimina!!!!!!!! Spread teh wurd!!!!!!

      1. ChessieNefercat

        No, no, he got a waiver from the Hawaiian state government (i.e., affirmative action).

  5. horsedreamer_1

    Let's parse Gary Mathis: GM likes to roll around in balls. But, of what? Feces? Or is he referring to testicles?

  6. GeneralLerong

    Cognitive dissonance in action, woohoo!

    If only it were fatal within 6 weeks. I'd even settle for brain-damaged to the point of needing assisted living – that might be even more "fair" to their enablers.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Sheesh, you'd think that the time travellers would have gone ahead and had him born on 31 Dec 1959 so he would have been exempt when Carter re-instituted mandatory registration for the draft in 1980 .

  7. Callyson

    “Nixon thought he could stop the Watergate scandal from unfolding by releasing a few tapes. All that did was fuel the fire.”
    What else do they expect now? A video? Tape of Obama's mom screaming in agony as she delivers? Audio of the doctor muttering "come on, come on, I haven't got all day here"?

        1. CalamityJames

          Yes, they expect all these things and more, and no, they will not be satisfied with any of it. QED.

          1. RavenRant

            James,

            Do you subscribe to the theory that

            A) Releasing the long form certificate was eleventy dimensional chess that will ultimately discredit the birthers and by extension Repugs in the eyes of sane Americans, (shrinking demographic), or

            B) Just another capitulation that will embolden the psychotic fringe?

          2. CalamityJames

            C) Immediately destructive to the Birther movement, but ultimately, something else will take the place of it, which will similarly be discredited, followed by another "development" which will lead into the election.

            Not necessarily effective, but these asshats will continue this bullshit in an attempt to distract Bammerz, thinking that if they can't lynch him, they'll at least run him out of town.

          3. RavenRant

            I would be more confident if my faith in the intelligence and basic decency of the electorate was not eroding so rapidly.

            Re: they can't lynch him. Yeah, but if they can keep the apocalyptic frenzy going long enough, they might get a Jared Loughner type to do what Jared Loughner types do. And I firmly believe that is their conscious intent.

          4. CalamityJames

            I don't know about "conscious intent", but I'm sure there would be no outrage. Hell, they'd probably say it was "gang related" and cackle wildly.

            Frankly, I still have moments where its so surreal that I'm able to laugh about it, but lately it just seems to be more depressing and maddening.

          5. RavenRant

            Of course, it would be his Kenyan/Indonesian/Chicago organized crime connections catching up with him.

            Argghh.

          6. RavenRant

            These theocratic, racist, women haters actually want a war? I'll be more than handy, trust me.

          7. RavenRant

            That deserves multi-upfists. There should be an option for a mega-upfists. Stupid intense debate.

            Also, you'll note my skyrocketing p-ness has stalled. I've spent the day hovering between 92 and 91. Some rat bastard keeps downfisting me. Oh, well, back to the pumps and lotions. And pills.

          8. RavenRant

            Care to join us? There will frosty mugs of snark. And bowls of crispy barely suppressed rage.

          9. RavenRant

            I'm out for the night. I have to go acquire food and alcohol posthaste.

            mmmm alcohol!

            Goodnight James n Jan!

          10. CalamityJames

            Ha, I read that as "alcohol toothpaste."

            Ok, but At dusk, we war.

            Uh, better make it afternoonish, I still have some 4/20 to celebrate…er, I mean NEVAR FERGET!

    1. TootingTricky

      Ah-ha! Video didn't become available to the public until 1971, thus proving… um…. I'm not sure exactly. But rarrrrr!

      1. CalamityJames

        Sketchings! Show us the original sketchings of the birth. The original, long-form, "Negro"-specific sketchings of the birth of a 50-yr-old man who has already been vetted by numerous officials who all verify he is American.

        Show us that, and we will concede.

        Maybe.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      He's still only an alleged American because his mom was allegedly an American. Where's her birf cert? Huh? Where's the REAL Stanley? What happened to him, huh?

      1. emmelemm

        It's almost as if the older a person is, the more likely he/she is to die! Get some researchers on this conspiracy, stat!

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Hillary travelled thru time to 1992, & convinced pre-suicide Vincent Foster to travel thru time & kill them.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Doctor who delivered babies in 1961 strangely no longer alive: Bo Obama Death Count +1

      FTFY.

      NOBOBAMA

  8. Ohforcripessake

    I apologize to our alien overlords for the stupidity of many of my fellow human beings.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I can imagine a screenplay for an awesome movie where the aliens do enslave us but our stupid antics make it almost impossible to rule us. And then, hilarity ensues.

      I will cut you in on the movie rights.

  9. metamarcisf

    When the dust settles, Jerome Corsi's Pulitzer collection will be so extensive, they'll fill all the holes in the Albert Hall.

    1. Cheetah Repeater

      I downfisted you, but with love as you go forth and do battle with the Breathfarters.

    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      His awesome tome "Where's the birth certificate?" is still at no. 38 on the amazon bestseller list despite not being released.

      To which the answer is "here, bitch, now take your ramshackle collection of innuendo and wild speculation and jam it up up your overfed arse"

      So, will he attempt a hurried rewrite or just release it to the slavering teabag hordes anyway?

    3. calibrit

      There are now more holes in the birthers' case than there are in Blackburn, Lancashire…

  10. SayItWithWookies

    You'd think with all the permutations of responses from birfers, at least one of them would be "Oh — good enough for me, then." But now, of course, their faith is even stronger now that all the evidence is against them.

        1. finallyhappy

          Making this about me I once said Quid pro quo and a co-worker asked me to stop the Jew talk.

          1. RavenRant

            OMG! Three questions:

            Where did this happen?

            What was your response?

            What was your coworkers profession? (I'm guessing Rocket Surgeon…)

          2. RavenRant

            I am such a perverse little freak that I'm now dying to use the phrase "Stop the Jew talk" in conversation.

            My irony will be misunderstood, and I will be soundly thrashed with Krav Maga techniques.

    1. AngryGeometer

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

      An early version of cognitive dissonance theory appeared in Leon Festinger's 1956 book, When Prophecy Fails. This book gave an inside account of the increasing belief which sometimes follows the failure of a cult's prophecy. The believers met at a pre-determined place and time, believing they alone would survive the Earth's destruction. The appointed time came and passed without incident. They faced acute cognitive dissonance: had they been the victim of a hoax? Had they donated their worldly possessions in vain? Most members chose to believe something less dissonant: the aliens had given earth a second chance, and the group was now empowered to spread the word: earth-spoiling must stop. The group dramatically increased their proselytism despite the failed prophecy.

    2. mumbly_joe

      I'm actually getting quite a bit of (personal) milage out of pointing out to the lot of them that if they didn't hate the Constitution, Hawaii's word on the official and legal authenticity of its own documents would have been the last word on this issue. Why do they hate the Constitution so much?

  11. MittsHairHelmet

    A vast network of conspirators convinced the world that a baby born in Kenya was actually born in Hawaii. They destroyed any documentation that might prove the truth of the baby's birth. Then those conspirators shepherded that baby through his life, through Columbia, Harvard Law, a community organizing career, state and federal politics and finally the presidency itself.

    Surely, those conspirators can whip up a forged long-form Hawaii birth certificate.

    This changes nothing.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The Haka is a magical thing.

      Oh, no, does this mean the Mormons are in on it too? (Lots of Samoans/Polynesians on the BYU football team.)

    2. Gopherit

      They'll have this matched to a model of typewriter only manufactured in Kenya in no time.

    3. Dr_Zoidberg

      I've said it before…the size and scope of this 'conspiracy' dwarfs everything else ever done in human history.

    4. tessiee

      "Surely, those conspirators can whip up a forged long-form Hawaii birth certificate. "

      "They're trying to lull us into a false sense of security." /Dale Gribble/

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Gee thanks for that. Now I'll probably end up ordering it from Netflix some night when I bring home a fresh bottle of gin, and maybe add "Showgirls" for a double feature.

    1. OzoneTom

      Exactly! That was the first thing that I thought of too.

      Actually, no — I guess that I was thinking of Johnny Mathis.

      But were you thinking of Ronald Gary Mathis?

  12. ManchuCandidate

    Those stupid crazy fucks will always be 'Bama Rolled.

    We're no strangers to dumb
    You know the forms and so do I
    A full blown conspiracy is what I'm thinking of
    You wouldn't get this from any other guy
    I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
    Gotta make you understand

    Never gonna give it up
    Never gonna let it go
    Never gonna stop and keep tormenting you
    Never gonna stop the lies
    Never gonna say goodbye
    Never gonna let it go or praise O

  13. baconzgood

    "House on March 9, 1866: '[I] find no fault with the introductory clause [S. 61 Bill], which is simply declaratory of what is written in the Constitution, that every human being born within the jurisdiction of the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty is, in the language of your Constitution itself, a natural born citizen.”

    BAM OBAMA THERE IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Citing indifference to an example of a clause that didn't pass and get into an 145 year old amendment. HUH BOY? HUH???? WHATCHA YOU GOTTA SAY NOW NON-BIRTHER BITCHES!!!!

    1. genxr

      In 1866, Barry's grandmother hurried off to Washington, D.C., to submit that statement to the House records.

    1. yyyaz

      One person's fascination is another's being assaulted day and night by the grinding shitheel of stoopid. Carry on.

    2. jus_wonderin

      I just hope I don't have to pee when it all explodes. I did sit on the end of the aisle.

  14. anniegetyerfun

    President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to to avoid just shutting up finally, they refuse to accept it.

    Well… yeah.

  15. edgydrifter

    This obviously and clumsily-forged document along with the fact that he had an American passport as a youth proves without a doubt that Barak HUSSEIN Soetero Osama is the golden child of a multi-generational international socialist Muslim NWO cabal. He's probably a Freemason, too.

    1. HistoriCat

      Unless you can explain how the Trilateral Commission, the Lizard People and the Reverse Vampires factor into this then I'm going to assume you're covering up for somebody.

      1. RavenRant

        Reverse Vampires are a new concept to me. Sadly, I am all too familiar with Lizard people and the Trilateral Commission.

        Do Reverse Vampires spit blood into you? They ONLY show up in mirrors?

        1. HistoriCat

          From a Simpsons episode – reverse vampires would always be inside after dark.
          Bart: OK, it's not _painfully_ clear the adults are _definitely_ paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
          Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?
          [he and Bart start wrestling]
          Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
          Bart: [condescending] So what's the simplest explanation?
          Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
          Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!

          Bart: So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse?
          Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem. OK, here's what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people —
          Bart: Thank you.
          Milhouse: — under the supervision of the reverse vampires —
          Lisa: [sighs]
          Milhouse: — are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. [sotto voce] We're through the looking glass, here, people…

          1. RavenRant

            Thanks for the ejumication! Didn’t realize how much I was missing by not seeing every episode of The Simpsons.

    1. CrunchyKnee

      Especially in Hawaii, with that huge population of rednecks and Scots-Irish imma-gants, oh wait…

      1. deelzebub

        As a descendent of Scots-Irish immigrants, let me say that when using the term Scots-Irish, the term rednecks is redundant.

    2. imissopus

      You snark, but Pareene posted this comment he pulled off a Freep thread:

      "In 1961, blacks were called negro, colored, darkie, and several other less accepted names, but they were NEVER called 'African' as Urkel’s father was in this document. An American adult in 1961 would no more have called a negro 'African' than they would have called a homosexual 'gay'. That alone is enough to raise huge questions about this document."

      Yes yes, "darkie" was acceptable nomenclature on official government documents.

        1. problemwithcaring

          This started some time ago. It confuses me too, just like the Fundies calling him "Tiger Woods" when he first came on the scene. I think maybe racists believe its clever to call a Black person by the name of any other Black person….?

        2. Cicada

          It must be because he wears high waters and big goofy glasses…oh wait, that's not it. Maybe it's because Obama has a high, screechy voice? No, no, that's not it.
          Whatever could it be??

      1. tessiee

        "blacks were called negro, colored, darkie, and several other less accepted names, but they were NEVER called 'African' as Urkel’s father was in this document.'"

        Despite the fact that Mr. Obama, Senior was actually FROM Africa?
        *American* blacks might have been called negro, as well as other less polite terms, but I tend to think that, even in 1961, a person from Africa was called African.

    3. mumbly_joe

      To be fair, my mother's birth certificate lists her mother as "black".

      Of course, that's ACTUALLY because her mother's actually Polish, and she's only listed that way because miscegenation was illegal in a few places back then. My grandfather was a black Puerto Rican.

      So in conclusion, yes, these Birth Certificate thingies always cleave to extremely precise terminology and any discrepancy of terminology automatically means you aren't a citizen.

      1. Crank_Tango

        a friend of mine was born in texas to taiwanese parents and her birth certificate listed her as "mongoloid."

        1. tessiee

          If I'm not mistaken, that's an old-fashioned term of race like "caucasoid" or "negroid", and didn't necessarily refer to a person with a chromosomal abnormality.

          1. Crank_Tango

            hmm yes you're right. actually now that you say that, I think her cert actually said “mongolian.” I wish I was still in touch with her cuz I would ask her.

        1. mumbly_joe

          Well, duh. Not like it's to be terribly unexpected, though. After all, hello? Brown guy over here.

    4. MadBrahms

      Reporting laws vary from state to state, but by 1960, race was an open, self-reported attribute on the US census. It's not as if this sort of thing didn't have precedent, and it's entirely conceivable that if *asked* (say, "Are you caucasian, black, or something else?") Mr. Obama would answer "African". It's an incredible presumption that the race recorded by the doctor was his own invention based on a narrow set of bureaucratically-defined options, which very well may not have been the case.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Can now one go for the simple explanation? Some orderly walked into his mother's room and asked her information to fill out the certificate.

    1. Gopherit

      the same is true for 5 other presidents, but your "facts" have no place in this discussion. Good Day, Sir/Madam!

      1. mumbly_joe

        If we're talking about children of non-Americans, way more than five. Pretty much every president through Lincoln had at least one parent who a British citizen or some such at birth. That's where they all got that Mau-mau anti-colonialism the 19th century was so famous for.

        Oh, and then, there was Chester A. Arthur, whose dad was Irish by way of Canada. So, cue conspiracy theories that Chester A. Arthur emigrated from Ireland at 14, that he was actually born in Canada and moved to America at a young age, that, okay, he was born here, but his mom is part native-American on her mom's side, so even though he was born here, that's not good enough, even though there's a 14th Amendment by then.

        If any of these sound familiar, it's probably because, yes, those guys were fucking racists, also.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Herbert would never be a Birther. Obie is his brother from another mother.

        They used to scope chicks together from the vantage of DA NITE RIDA. How'd you think Barack met Michelle, otherwise?

  16. Fox n Fiends

    The Bible is a forgery written in 1526 by French aristocrats. Forgery is a very lucrative and enduring trade.

    1. Gopherit

      I tried to imagine such a lab, and all I saw was an easy bake oven, some food coloring, and lots of play-doh

  17. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    These developments give me new insight into the nature of religious faith.

  18. DaRooster

    Don't they want to do away with the section of the amendment dealing with being born on American soil means your a citizen? You know the whole "Terror Baby" thing… then that means Obama was a "President Baby", they had him on US soil so he could become President… quite a plot.
    Hey folks, there truly are things around here that need some attention… poors, environment, healthcare… oh, and my lawn needs mowed.
    Fucking Ass-Hats!

  19. JustPixelz

    "…according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president"

    As much as WND would like the 14th Amendment to say

    All persons born or naturalized in the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty , and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States.

    The actual amendment, passed by Congress and ratified by 3/4 of the several States, says:

    All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States

    What is it about the plain language of the Constitution that they find so hard to understand? OH WAIT! It's the fifth grade reading level.

    1. Pragmatist2

      "Fifth Grade"????
      If these people made it to Fifth Grade it's because their daddy contributed megabucks to the building fund.

  20. unclejeems

    Right, Trump has already moved on to how the prez got into Harvard Law. Guess a degree from Columbia ain't what is used to be. This could spawn a whole new group of mouth-breathers. LSATers? Harvard Law Suckers? Er, Lawyers? It's always somethin'.

    Then of course there's this http://theobamafile.com/ObamaEducation.htm .

    I think the best bona fides to anything Obama has done is that Michelle agreed to marry him.

      1. genxr

        Trump would never agree edit the Harvard Law Review because there's no money in it, and Trump's no chump!

        1. Gopherit

          The only real diploma is from Trump University*

          *(note, not really a university. Or even a places to learn things.)

    1. One_Man_Band

      Ugh. I read some shit on that link. Come back H1N1, where is that lethal pandemic we so richly deserve?

    2. pinkocommi

      … as if all the Teatards were so concerned with how George W. Bush got into YALE, motherfuckers!

  21. jus_wonderin

    I soooo hope some Democrats continually ask the next Republican nominee for his "long form" birth certficate.

    1. Left_Leftie

      Neh, Repubs will SUDDENLY call that disrespectful of the office of the President in a time of war and call him ( it will definitely be a him) a Job-Creator and that will be the end of it.

  22. Rosie_Scenario

    Obama's mother was an American. She was in Hawaii where she met and married BHO, Sr. and gave birth to BHO, Jr. What am I missing? Any record of Stanley Ann Dunham traveling to Kenya while pregnant? No crazy rides like Sarah with Trig. Oops, we are not allowed to question Trig's provenance, only Obama and his birth certificate. No snark, just weariness with the subject and the press that it gets.

    1. genxr

      Don't worry, in another 40 years Trig will be the Republican nominee for President and we can question him all we want.

      1. vulpes82

        Please, in another 40 years we'll all be scratching in the post-apocalyptic desert dirt at the Layne Compound trying to fend off the mutated teabaggers at the gates who want to steal our measly crop of hobo beans, the lone shining beacon of snark in a world gone mad.

    2. Failure_Artist

      I don't think these people know that the mother is involved in the birth (see: anti-choicers)

      1. CapnFatback

        Yeah, that's going to be the lowest-scoring Scrabble game since the last Palin-Bachmann family game night.

      1. Chet Kincaid

        By this reasoning, AMURRICA IS NOT LEGALLY A COUNTRY!!! It is the result of a long string of broken treaties and illegal military actions! HOW CAN HUSSEIN BE PREZNIT IF AMURICCA IS NOT A COUNTRY?! CHECKMATE!!!1!1!1!

      1. RavenRant

        Bobblehead, "I'm sorry, we're out of time. We'll have to leave it there." Cut to commercial.

    1. DahBoner

      Ironically, Mexico is more of a state than Hawaii. They got tunnels.

      Hawaii ain't even got a bridge…

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      Too many brown people for Sarah Palin. Poor thing had to transfer from the U of Hawaii to a more Merkin college. It's the fault of minorities that Palin started on the road to multiple transfers and delayed graduation. She coulda been Phi Beta Kappa. Prolly coulda got into Harvard, but some black person got in there in stead.

        1. NorthStarSpanx

          First of all, is it like a hemorrhoid pillow and does it stay on the Rascal seat? Second, will Medicare pay for it?

  23. Redhead

    So, basically, he's a black man (or African or Negro), and therefore we can't trust him and he must be lying.

    That's basically their whole point, right?

  24. OneDollarJuana

    First ball-point pen patent awarded in 1888. Is Obama really much older than we think, maybe too old to be President? There must be a rule or sumpin'!

  25. Gopherit

    It doesn't even say he's a negro. Obviously a fake. And calling his dad "African"? Clearly a politically correct mind there. Clearly it should have said Spearchucker.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    I've used this simile before, but it is so good that I can't help myself; these guys are doing the Science-Officer-Ash-After-Yaphet-Kotto-Knocks-His-Noggin-Off Shuffle and it just cracks me up.

  27. randcoolcatdaddy

    Sheesh … I wish these people would just come out and say they don't want a President that's Black and just be open and honest about their petty racism.

    1. RavenRant

      "We're gonna take our country back" = "don't want a president that's black". It's not all that subtle, really. Rhymes, nicely, too.

  28. Pragmatist2

    Can't we put out a contract on these people? I mean they are consuming air and water and only contributing carbon dioxide, urine and stupidity.

  29. smokefilledroommate

    Birthers: Where's the birf cirtificate???!!11!!
    Obama: Here.
    Birthers: That's the short form!!!11!! We want the long form!!11!!1!11 And it's FAKE anyway!!!!!1111!!!1
    Obama: Here.
    Birthers: FAKE!!!111!!1 FAKE!!!!111!!!! WRONG!!!1111!!!

  30. jus_wonderin

    I wish I had control over font size because 10 pt type cannot express my frustration with these idiots. But then, there many not be any size that can express my frustration.

    Mr. Sulu, Font Size Warp 9.

    1. widestanceroman

      I think point size (kudos for using old school typographical term) is moot for billboard use, though.

  31. baconzgood

    And they are going to start using slurs in thier press statements about the prez in 4…3…2…

  32. Jukesgrrl

    The doctor who delivered me is dead, too. Do you think I might not be an American? It's what I would choose, at times like these.

    1. finallyhappy

      I beat you, doctor is dead and the hospital is torn down and my parents didn't put in birth announcements.

  33. Gnatsum

    BTW, how can you tell from a copy on your computer screen what the hell kind of pen was used to sign something? LOL

  34. BerkeleyBear

    I do enjoy the crazy. The question is what, if anything, the various idiots vying with Trump to be the leader of the crazy GOP/sacrificial lamb in the next election, will do to mollify these freaks without losing every sane person. Or maybe, just maybe, these asshats and the Paulites will splinter off and do a Perot favor for Obama.

  35. DaRooster

    "…signed with the same rollerball pen…"

    Really? REALLY?!?! I have NEVER noticed that an institution, like let's say… hmmm… a HOSPITAL might possibly have more than one or two of the same types of pens around… and YOU can tell it was a "Rollerball" how? Can you tell it wasn't a fountain pen? After all, they new it was going to be important, they may have broke out the "good" pens for the Future President's" birth.

    1. smokefilledroommate

      Gary L. Mathis: Pen Detective

      "I think this document was forged! The writing looks strange, like it was written with a…"
      "1986 Papermate with Erasable Ink?"
      " *gasp* Gary Mathis?!! You know everything about pens!"
      "That's right, sister! I'm here to solve any case involving a pen of any kind–even the mystery of the President's birth certificate!"

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        There was an episode of Homicide once where a guy killed another guy over an inkpen. When the detectives went to the guy's apartment, it was absolutely filled with pens, hanging from the walls and on clotheslines strung across the rooms and shit. Maybe Gary Mathis took inspiration from this. Or inspired it.

    2. Lefty_Lucy

      Or, (b) maybe signer #1 did his bit and then handed the pen to signer #2, etc. Or, (c) Gary Mathis is living in a hate-filled fantasy world. I'm going to go with c.

    3. Mahousu

      I dread sticking a toe into this cesspool, but yes, the signatures of Obama's mother and the doctor are quite clearly done with a fountain pen. A regular rollerball just wouldn't produce the variable weight in the strokes like that. Yes, there are "calligraphic" rollerballs, but their results look a lot different.

      They should complain about the typewriter instead. That 't' is suspiciously dark. (Never mind it's because it's typed with the index finger.)

          1. QwertyToo

            Are you sure you don't want to say something witty and then put on your "sunglasses of justice?"

      1. DaRooster

        However it is typed with the LEFT index finger… but we all know that most people (being right handed) have a more forceful LEFT hand. Not unlike the lobster or crab… the right handed crabs claw is sharp and cutting… whereas the left claw is the power claw, the holder. Therefore the left index finger would strike the T key with greater force… so never mind that whole T key theory.

        TA DA!

  36. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    And thus saith the Sarah:

    Media: Admit it. Trump forced the issue. Now, don't let the WH distract you w/the birth crt from what Bernanke says today. Stay focused, eh?

    1. tessiee

      "Media: Admit it. Trump forced the issue. Now, don't let the WH distract you w/the birth crt"

      I've had bosses like this. Whatever wasn't done yet was of overwhelming importance until the SECOND it was finished.

      Yes, I wanted to throttle them, too.

    2. GregComlish

      Sarah Palin can't even get through a tweet without contradicting herself. If Trump forced the issue then then the WH had no choice but to release the Long Form regardless of what Bernanke was saying. If Obama released the Long Form voluntarily to overshadow Bernanke, then Trump didn't force jack shit.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        For a do-nothing, she sure is exhausting eh? Can Alaskans get PTSD severance for surviving this quitter?

    1. MinAgain

      In all fairness, he did have a star. That's almost as good as a birth certificate, right?

    2. yyyaz

      And who elected him savior, …. wait, what? Oh. "Him." Never mind. On second thought, I demand a recount.

    3. UW8316154

      His Father would have been identified as "Jew", when everyone knows back then Jews were commonly referred to as "kikes". Thus proving that Jesus has a fake bird certificate.

  37. sezme

    President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to to avoid just shutting up finally, they refuse to accept it.

    This was so hard to predict.

  38. anniegetyerfun

    The conspiracy goes as far back as the very founding of this nation, I tell you. Masonic stuff!

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yeah, then we would all be Jehovah's Witnesses, right? ("Wouldn't you like to live forever in a paradise right here on planet earth?")

  39. BaldarTFlagass

    Looks like the guy that flew his plane into the IRS building a while back. Or maybe not.

    1. RavenRant

      That's when it all started slipping away… the pens! We should have held on to our precious pen heritage!

  40. widget2011

    I seen this one coming a mile away. Like JFK once said " there's always some dumb son of a bitch who just doesn't get the message."

      1. widget2011

        True enough, but at least the B-52's got called back, while one of our spy planes invaded Soviet air space. (SOB who didn't get the message).

        That episode in October 1962 (see Dr. Strangelove) could have ended very bad.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Or as Obama said about the campaign, as quoted in "Game Change:" This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it.

  41. Slim_Pickins

    And just what was Obama doing in Connecticut that required a Social Security Card? Very suspicious!

  42. vulpes82

    If Obama's plan was to expose Donald Trump and the birthers as a bunch of lunatic fringe conspiracy theorists living in their own imaginary world (and, actually, I believe that was his plan), he's succeeded brilliantly! He's still morally weak, of course.

  43. loulouroo

    My, my! I had no idea Wally Cox was still alive! I bet that twitting fool up there is just barely fending off all the poon hounding him.

  44. DarwinianDemon

    When i first heard this I thought "Awww…we should have let them continue to destroy themselves." But then Orly Taites said that it is false because it should say " TEH NEGRO!" not "African" and Trump says it might not be real and the birthers infected LA times blog saying that presidents must have two citizen parents and I breathed a sigh of relief. This is my Royal Wedding. This is my superbowl.

  45. DashboardBuddha

    Dear Oily Taints, yer a furriner so I'll go easy on you just this once. You see, you don't necessarily get the ss number from the state you were born in. You get the number from the state where you got the number. I was born in NY…but I was raised in FL. Guess what my ss card shows.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Guess what my ss card shows.

      A Madrassa in Indonesia?

      Mine shows CA and I was born in … England. Amazing how weird shit like that works.

    2. not that Dewey

      From wiki-whatever:

      "Prior to 1973, cards were issued in local Social Security offices around the country and the Area Number represented the office code in which the card was issued. This did not necessarily have to be in the area where the applicant lived, since a person could apply for their card in any Social Security office." (emphasis added)

      Morons.

    1. RavenRant

      Interesting that the Bible-thumpers never seem to be actual Bible-readers.

      The Jesus of the gospels does not, in fact, resemble a cross between Gordon Gecko and Rambo.

  46. V572..whatever

    Poor Tweetie's on the teevee milking this issue for his last few days. He's got some birthers on there and they're saying, "It's over, I guess," and he screams at them: "What do you mean, YOU GUESS!?!" What's he going to do shows about when this dies down?

  47. mumbly_joe

    Conspiracy theories are like religions. Or cults. Not only does countervailing evidence fail to convince any of the faithful, no matter how ironclad, but it makes them double down on their beliefs and categorically reject anything that challenges them. Thus, the release of Obama's birth registration (which is clearly what this is- it's the form submitted to the DoH of which birth *certificates* are literally transcripts and certifications) is either a forgery, or actually constitutes IRONCLAD PROOF that he's not American, somehow.

    This was entirely to be expected.

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      It's called the backfire effect and affects those who self-identify as conservatives more than those who self-identify as liberals.

      E.g.

      A similar "backfire effect" also influenced conservatives told about Bush administration assertions that tax cuts increase federal revenue. One group was offered a refutation by prominent economists that included current and former Bush administration officials. About 35 percent of conservatives told about the Bush claim believed it; 67 percent of those provided with both assertion and refutation believed that tax cuts increase revenue.

      Nyhan and Reifler found this "backfire" effect only among conservatives. Refutations had little effect on liberals, but it didn't cause them to actively believe the misleading information even more strongly.

      In other words, you are exactly right, but the problem affects conservatives far more than liberals.

      1. mumbly_joe

        You know, it's the damnedest thing. I was a psych undergrad, and focused particularly on cognitive psych, and even took a course that focused specifically on judgement and decision-making heuristics. And yet, I'm pretty sure I've only this particular subject in the context of the durability of beliefs of doomsday cults, even after the passing of the supposed end date. I'm surprised I haven't encountered Nyhan and Reifler's work before now. Edit: actually, their names sound familiar. Maybe I was sleeping in class, that day.

        Although, ten seconds of research suggests it's not that liberals don't have the effect at all, it's just significantly less pronounced- they experience *more* rebound of opinion when the facts are debunked, but it's not a complete rebound, either. Convenient lies are always dangerous things.

        1. Fukui_sanYesOta

          Yeah, it's not that liberals are impervious to lies, it's just that refutation doesn't reinforce the original belief quite so much. It seems akin to an insidious version of confirmation bias.

      2. tessiee

        "Bush administration assertions that tax cuts increase federal revenue."

        I remember Reagan saying that increased military spending would decrease the deficit.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      I once heard a guy say, with complete sincerity (and on NPR) that the fact there is no evidence of UFOs at Area 51 proves there were aliens there, because the FBI destroyed the evidence because "they" didn't want "us to know."

      So beat that one. No evidence? No problem. It just proves to the nutcases that they're right.

      1. mumbly_joe

        Well, meh. Absence of evidence is one thing. The government has managed to keep some very nasty shit under wraps for a very long time- not just Tuskeegee- although that one's certainly notable just for the sheer length of time -40 years- that one was kept a secret. But plenty of other stuff, as well. Honestly, I think some of these things help to explain the popularity of conspiracy theories about things like HIV and crack cocaine- these theories sort of have traction with populations that have actually been victimized by literal government conspiracies. I think a lot of us honestly have lost sense of how good the government is at keeping secrets it wants to keep, and for us, the torture at gitmo was probably the first real wake-up call that government conspiracies to break the law and victimize people still do happen.

        But, it really is another thing entirely to be presented with evidence directly contradicting your conspiracy theory and to rationalize and twist it into something that further supports your original fantasy. Absence of evidence may not be evidence of absence, but evidence that proves you wrong really is just that.

      2. tessiee

        "No evidence? No problem. It just proves to the nutcases that they're right."

        I've had arguments like that. They have two possible outcomes:
        1. Me: [ignore]
        Annoying person: So, you can't disprove my argument.
        2. Me: [counter-argument]
        Annoying person: Whoa, looks like I've really gotten to you! Issues much?

    1. mumbly_joe

      Haha. I see someone else beat me to the whole "breitbart, or stormfront" idea.

      Seriously, we need to all put our heads together, like the dirty collectivist socialists we are, and make a web game or something.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I wish someone would cover that tonight. Someone on MSNBC because they're the only ones I can stand to watch.

  48. mumbly_joe

    “So according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president,” wrote Klein.

    When the facts are on your side, argue the facts. When the law is on your side, argue the law. When neither are on your side, pretend that you can read the mind of one of the two hundred or so long-dead people responsible for passing that law, and argue that his ghost totally says that he meant for the law to mean the exact opposite of what it says.

  49. smitallica

    Gary, deal with it. You lost. This issue is over. Please move on to the next veiled-racist batshit conspiracy nonsense.

    Sincerely,
    The non-batshit portion of America

  50. RavenRant

    I can't wait for the rapture and/or for these assclowns to "Go Galt" already. Please, please start denying us your productivity ASAP.

  51. Cheetah Repeater

    The biggest losers here are Elvis spotters. Birch–I mean, Birthers have abandoned them in droves.

  52. Extemporanus

    Thanks, though I can't in good conscience claim sole credit for neolojizzin' it.

    Assumedly independent of each other, I and another Wonketteer or two served-up "Afterbirther" a couple years ago. Around the same time (or shortly thereafter), the Onion had a story about Afterbirthers that was probably written by young Jack Stuef who read our use of it here in the comments. I have a feeling that you'll be seeing it a whole helluva lot more in the near future.

    So, a whole Nobel for me? Don't deserve it.

    That said, I'll happily accept the 'e' (and the 'o', too, if someone hot gives it to me.)

  53. OneYieldRegular

    Can Arnold Schwarzenegger run for President now? As I recall, a lot of these same people who are twisting themselves in conspiratorial knots over Barack Obama's secret Muslim birth plot were ready to scuttle the whole natural born citizen thing back when Schwarzenegger had just been sworn in as Governor of California – you know, before he wrecked the place.

    1. widget2011

      Remember the last time an Austrian took over a county he wasn't born in.

      Besides for any dumb conspiricy theorists:

      Arnold Schwartzenegger
      Adolph Schickelgrubber (AKA Adolph Hitler)

      Coincedence, I think not!

  54. hagajim

    AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Dese fuckins guys…..hey Miss Taint….Obama might well have a Connecticut Social Security number (though how the hell would you know his SS number)….being Mr. Obamar's age I remember I didn't get my SS when I was born…I didn't have to get one until I entered the workforce.

    1. genxr

      Connecticut… where the first shots were fired at Lexington and Concord. My how far we've fallen as a nation.

  55. AJW@[redacted]

    I was looking for some other documents this morning and inadvertently uncovered my own long-form birth certificate (really!). It has my tiny elfen footprints on it. Where are Obamar's footprints? THIS WILL NOT STAND!!1!

  56. proudgrampa

    I knew this was not going to end…

    Like I said, the White House is being run by bunch of fucking amateurs…

    1. memzilla

      I prefer to believe this was exactly what they intended to happen.

      Convert the doubting independents, let the wingtards prove their own wingtardiness. Meanwhile, the GOP doesn't know whether to sh** or go blind, because they have to pander to their base but they need independents.

      Because the WH knows, as you know, that this isn't about a birth certificate.

      1. proudgrampa

        <DIV>I hope that you're right, Mem. I couldn't agree more. This is MUCH more than about a mere birth certificate.</DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>I just hated to see the WH get sucked into this shitstorm.</DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>—

        1. problemwithcaring

          The shitstorm consists of being a Black guy and trying to govern a nation of aging, spoiled, entitled, prejudiced white people. He is use to it, gramps.

  57. hagajim

    Good to see that Gary L. Mathis (who looks a little like Harry F'ing Reed) is an expert on the fine lines drawn by pens. I imagine it would take some really serious expertise to spot the rollerball thingy – especially when you didn't even see the ACTUAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!! Teatards….proving every that America's IQ is circling down the toilet at an ever increasing pace.

  58. krazyvladimir

    Isn't Hawaii one of those unAmerican states ???? Columbus never discovered it, so it isn't really a part of the U.S.

  59. Gold_ManSacks

    NoBama made his money selling white slaves in Afrikkka. It is a true fact, I saw him trying to catch Bear Grylls to make him a field hand for his crack and watermelon plantation in British East Africa.

    1. RavenRant

      Upfist for your avatar and personal description. And for the history lesson. Write a book. You could outsell Corsi.

      1. Gold_ManSacks

        You following me? No one follows me! I will follow you, to work, in the morning. See how you like it.

        1. RavenRant

          If we’re following each other, it might be hard to actually get anywhere. I envision a ‘Spy vs. Spy’ scenario.

          1. RavenRant

            All your decoys are solid gold. You must be so rich. Follow me anytime. (flutters eyelashes)

  60. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Why don't they all just cut to the chase. If he was born in the United States, he would have had his slave owner's name tattooed on the back of his neck.

    No tattoo, not an American Citizen.

  61. comrad_darkness

    And for some bizarro reason, they decided to shepherd through a black man, because, you know, that was expected to be a cakewalk election even though, in 1961, Jim Crow was still the law. Right.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "You know, this is going to be way too easy."
      "Yeah … let's do it with a black guy!"
      "Wait – what? You want us to get a black guy elected president in 2008?"
      "Yeah. We can do that."
      "OK – let's do it!"

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        OT:

        Medved means "One who knows honey" or "Honey wizard"

        That'll haunt your dreams tonight.

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            Fukui-san is the announcer on Iron Chef, the Japanese version. The floor reporter (Ota), calls out to Fukui-san when he has an update on the action.

            According to google it means "Lucky" or "Fortunate", which I didn't know.

  62. Pithaughn

    Luckily the internet, Google search and Wikipedia are all leftist propaganda tools, other wise these tools would quickly move on to some new conspiracy that is impossible to disprove with 3 hundredths of a second searching the tubes. Why luckily? Comedy I say!

  63. Chet Kincaid

    Wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads.
    They just keep on spoutin' notions that sane people
    dread–
    Nothin' seems to fit!
    Those
    wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads, they keep fallin'…

    So I just did me some arguin' with one.
    And I said I didn't like the way they made things
    up–
    Actin' like nut-jobs!
    Those
    wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads, they keep fallin'…

    "butt theirs 1 thing I no–
    The 'proof' they send 2 meat me wont defeet me!!11!!!
    i got 5 guns for FEMA win
    they cum to git me!!1!!"

    Wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads.
    But that doesn't mean that all their crazy talk is
    dead–
    "Facts iz not 4 me!
    Cuz
    ain't never gonna stop Hussein by concedin'
    Don't you see??!?!!?
    Kenyan's worryin' me!!!111!!"

  64. user-of-owls

    So, right, owls is roosting in Deutschland at the moment and just took a peep at the national newscast by history's greatest race even as I scanned this and previous stories. Lo and behold, which turd floats to the top of the news toilet? Who else, the Malevolent Hair Weevil and his birding lickspittles. The perfectly Aryan news robot was practically blowing snots of derision out her nose throughout the daily, "Yankee Go Home" segment. And all I could do was silently weep in agreement. I'm not even sure anymore if there's any of 'my country' to want back. Scheisse.

    1. comrad_darkness

      How is Deutschland Deutschland Deutcshland? (can't spell that three times straight.)
      I've got a trip there next month. Please tell me it is still sane there. I really need a break.

          1. comrad_darkness

            Don't knock it until you try it. At least for a month or two. (It does begin to drag, all those on-time trains, and squeaky clean restaurants, and orderly thinking, but for a while it's a relief.)

            And white socks with dark suits. That too.

  65. mumbly_joe

    Don't feel too bad- the sight of the trolls made my p-ness shrink, too. It'll take weeks before I can get it up again.

      1. mumbly_joe

        You know what my favorite thing about posting over there is? Nobody -not the commenters, not the admins- nobody considers the fact that any of the obviously liberal posters posting obviously innocuous comments might be some sort of liberal topiary or whatever posting with the specific intention of screengrabbing the eliminationist rhetoric that gets spewed by the trolls in response to completely civil conversation and then left unmoderated for half-a-day after said death threats are reported.

        If nothing else, you'd think they'd consider the fact that someone might try to O'Keefe them (only, using the actual things they really did say) given how often they've done that to everyone else.

  66. MarionNYNY

    I would have expected no less from these brave birthers. We can only admire their courage in standing up to the "fact based" community and "reality."

    1. RavenRant

      They are almost as courageous and serious as Paul Ryan with his 'push the olds on to ice floes' plan.

  67. DahBoner

    If Orly Taitz was born in Hawaii, the race would be listed as "Lolo", which means "stupid" in Hawaian…

  68. UW8316154

    Nobama released the wrong form! The birthers were asking for the BIRD certificate! No wonder this didn't settle anything.

  69. RavenRant

    And all the times they asked for Reagan's and Bush's college papers and transcripts…

    We didn't even find out Laura Bush had killed a kid in a teenage accident until halfway through Bush's second term. Yet we heard over and over again about Michelle's 'whitey' tape – you know, the one that didn't exist.

    If Michelle had killed a kid as a teenager? I'm sure the Repubs would have taken the high road. BWA HA HA HA <choke>.

  70. 102415

    Wasn't Lou Sarah actually born in Canada when her parents were sneaking over the border all the time?

    1. tessiee

      Or Russia!
      You know how she said she can see Russia from her house?
      Maybe she's a secret Russian-pinko-commie!

  71. Mort_Sinclair

    That Gary Mathis thing, according to his Twitter bio, is a "conservative, gun owning [sic] scientist with a PhD in Physics." You just know that guy spends most of his day with his hand in his pants testing the five basic types of friction: dry friction, fluid friction, lubricated friction, skin friction, and internal friction. (HT Wikipedia) He's a scientist.

  72. Nopantsmcgee

    The problem here is most cornsyrup-fed Real Americans don't consider Hawaii anymore American than Kenya or Indonesia.

    1. 4TheTurnstiles

      Shit dude, the guy's a nigra you know. Not that there's anything wrong with that, some of my best friends are colored, &c. But still. Just sayin'. One of *them*.

  73. keepem_sikanpor

    Ha! US America should start charging other countries for the priviledge of watching our shenanigans. Pay per view. That would clear the debt in a matter of days.
    These pig fuckers can fuck off and die. I'm tired of it.

  74. genxr

    Like mathis12 says, most of our problems as a nation can be solved by playing Rollerball, with limited substitutions, no time limit, and no penalties.

    One question remains unanswered. What happened to mathis numbers 1 through 11?

  75. 102415

    I'm bored.
    Lou Sarah was born in communist Canada. Her parents were always sneaking back and forth stealing the free health care.

    1. RavenRant

      I guess this means the whole, "We're putting this to rest so we can all focus on more important things," didn't really pan out, then.

  76. RadioJack

    It doesn't matter you libtards. According to Innanity, this president is weak and timid and "in over his head." Rinse, lather, repeat.

  77. Extemporanus

    JACK STUFE WERE IS TEH LONGFORM HEADLINE CERTIFICATE??!

    I DEMAND TOO SEE "EVERYTHING"!!1

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I kind of wish Mr. Heller were around to see this circus. Mssrs. Vonnegut and Carlin, too.

          1. Fukui_sanYesOta

            I dunno, I read Something Happened and Closing Time and thought he never reached the heights of 22. Closing time was interesting but I found it a bit laboured.

            Having said that, I'd love to know what Vonnegut would make of this entire clusterfuck.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            “When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as "Catch-22" I'm tempted to reply, "Who has?"

            –J. Heller

    1. Extemporanusbirther

      Jesus fuck, you guys…

      Jack literally misspelled "everything" in the goddamn headline, and no one fucking cares!

        1. Extemporanusbirther

          That'll teach you to let yourself be distracted by Helen Keller's 22 tits, or whatever weird shit it was you retards were babbling about.

          Speaking of which, be a peach and have Negropolis pass the Aunt Jemima down Tessiee's way, will ya? Thanks…

  78. Lost_Teabaggers

    we should come up with a new philosophical principle for birthers, ya know…make 'em feel like edumacated, intellectual racists. I was thinking, in the vein of Godwins Law we could come up with Nathan Bedford Forrest's principle: Whenever your thinly veiled racist smear against a person of color is debunked, you claim the evidence, no matter how incontrivertable is in fact, fraudulent.

    What do you guys think? With this principle in hand and the amount of promising candidates of darker than white skin color in the D's (like Corey Booker, I'd say Grijalva because he's awesome but he's only slightly younger than a GOP young gun is) birthers could be in business in different forms for decades.

  79. Lost_Teabaggers

    Sorry, had to split this in two (the same apology I'd offer Megs for popping her rather effusive rack out of the wonderbra), ahem:

    Yes, you heard me…12 years from now, when we're all still unemployed (because Randites in the House GOP plunged the world into a great depression to impose feudalism, their endgame) and are now consuming that nice young family up the street for sustenance we can all gather on our never aging whore of a site Wonkette and laugh at ancient Joe Farah and Jerome Corsi calling our next black president a negroid and proving he's/she's conclusively not white (which will trigger new teabaggers, because they totally aren't this angry over his/her race).

    1. widget2011

      Remember what the first revolution was about (taxation without representation)? I think we are almost there. Basically, over the last 30 years a MASSIVE amount of wealth in the United States has been transfered from the middle and lower classes to the richest 1% of Americans. And now the SOB's have jacked up gas prices to $4.00+ a gallon, which drives up the prices ao all commodities. Meanwhile back, Douchenozzel Ryan wants to eliminate any social programs that are for "We the People".
      This shit has to end!

  80. weejee

    Well this day's wingnutted drivel and Trump-eting have tipped Superman over the edge. He is going to the UN and renounce his American citizenship. If Superman ain't an alien who is? We should demand to see his, or Clark Kent's, long form birth certificate.

    1. axmxz

      My new book:

      That ain't no Egg on the Face of Jerome Corsi or The Consequences of Excessive Teabagging

  81. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Which is especially impressive since he did it while rollerblading. At least, I think that was the new claim.

  82. RavenRant

    Sadly, I didn't coin the phrase. But I use it as often as appropriate. Or maybe a little more than that.

  83. waitforsugar

    God I love the birthers. I spent the afternoon drinking margaritas and shopping for trashy lingerie when I should have been studying for my finals. I was feeling guilty and then I saw what these fucking fuckwits have been up to. There are much worse things in this world than being a tipsy, mildly trampy procrastinator. I feel downright productive now.

  84. DustBowlBlues

    So . . . I have a Social Security number from Oklahoma? Odd. I've worked in other states and they accepted it for my employment. How did I get away with that?

    PS Lawrence O'Donnell is using Orly as a punching bag, just as she desires. A long form birth certificate AND her wish to be punched around. This is a red letter day!

    Fuck. If I knew this was going to happen, we could have asked for a wonkette liveblog.That would've been fun, huh? (I have a floater thingy in my eyes and got a major check up on my shitty retinas and I'm still seeing everything hazy. So, ugh, forgive the typos. I just hope this looks like English.)

  85. Negropolis

    Orly Taitz is one The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell, right now, which he billed as a rewrite for her to apologize, and he's just tearing her totally apart. I had to switch. It's just so ugly. He knew damned well he did that segment just to yell at her…and I don't have any problem with that. lol

    1. DustBowlBlues

      We were watching the same show. I get the idea he just wanted to get that off his chest. I know I enjoyed it.

  86. Djmcs11

    LOL! Amazon, frequently bought together. Breitbart's "Righteous Indignation" and Corsi's, "Where's the Birth Certificate?"

  87. RavenRant

    It's Wednesday night, and STILL no scandalous, torrid, Republican-shaming DC cocktail party video?!? This is torment.

  88. rocktonsam

    Ya this will shut em up…

    If Barry was going to announce this he shoulda did it on a day he was invading a country or something

  89. DustBowlBlues

    On a serious note, "Dreams From My Father" is so personal and revealing and so unlike an autobiography that anyone with political ambition would have written, that all one has to do is read the book to know more about Barack Obama than we've known about anyone who has run for president, let alone served in the office.

    What idiots. BTW, Barry, pull your head out of your ass and take a strong stand against the Draconian "deficit reducing" shit the Republithugs are trying to force on us. Nothing you do is going to make them like you or make things easier on you. They're closer to the Birthers' philosophy than they are to yours. You're on the people's side on this one. Accept it.

  90. DustBowlBlues

    Well, shit. I keep looking for something about that Y person or person who said our military strategy is stupid but I can't find it. That's what I get for watching "The Fighter" instead of watching the news.

  91. BarackMyWorld

    Remember the reason we were given why Obama didn't release this version of his birth certificate before now? Because even that probably wouldn't be good enough for them. And everyone kept saying, "No, release it anyways!" And, HEY GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!

    1. Fukui_sanYesOta

      Jerome Corsi is currently rewriting chapters two through seven to cover the "Obama Pirate Child" question.

      Apparently he's found other members of the Obama "Pirate Boat" Crew, the "Pirate Boat Veterans for Truth", if you will. Allegedly, "Pirate Obama's" winning the "Dove Chocolate Prize for Swordsmanship" was a shoo-in despite Obama not even eviscerating one single innocent crewmember of booty ships, let alone his lackluster performance in seamanship. His folded paper boat even sank after being splashed by "Black Jack McDonald", who, ironically, wasn't even black. Or Muslim.

      No, Jerome Corsi's blockbuster will lift the lid on Obama's swashbuckling claims and cause a constitutional crisis.

      Source: World Net Daily

  92. tessiee

    "Surely you remember all the times people have demanded to see George Bush's or Ronald Reagan's Birth Certificates. And where they black? No."

    Good point, but not the whole story.
    Bill Clinton was white, and they were up his ass from the moment he took the oath of office. There must be *something else* that gets these idiots frothing at the mouth.
    But whatever could it be?

  93. Negropolis

    So, what's going to become of what I call the 25 Percenters? Now, that they've been revealed as the racists that they are, where else is there for them to go? Are they going to keep pretending they aren't bigots, or will they blatantly try and mainstream their klannish tendencies?

    Honestly, I don't get where they can go from here. At the moment, they are trying to continue the charade as a liar is wont to do in the immediate aftermath of being caught. But, where will they go, tomorrow?

    I hope they are happy that they embarrassed this nation the way they did, and the shame they brought upon us. More to the point, I'm feeling a bit vengeful. In a perfect world, all of the leaders of this movement would be outed for every scandalous thing they've ever done in their lives to help pay for the damage they've caused. I want to see the dirt.

      1. Negropolis

        But, what does that even mean for them? Are we supposed to bury them beneath the Tree of Liberty or some shit?

    1. RadioAfterbirther

      …they embarrassed this nation…

      That same 25% is incapable of shame or remorse. They will break this tragedy down to the epistemologic core. If you were to go over to Dimfart, there are fucknuts over there who say, "I wasn't a Birther before, but now…" Somehow, someway, these intractable people are able to reproduce and carry along the amygdala deficiency or whatever. We have to be able to carry everyone else.
      Tax cuts actually raise revenues, there were WMD's, free market/unfettered capitalism, Ine Rand, Föx is news, fear is good, etc. blah blah blah. Their propaganda machine will churn incessantly. But, somehow, slowly, the populace believes the world is round, or germs cause disease, or wear your seatbelt.
      Two steps forward, 1.9999 back.

  94. tessiee

    I almost want them to just come out and say that — not because I particularly like racism — I just wish someone would call them on their bullshit and *freaking get it over with*.

  95. ChessieNefercat

    "Curious Americans"

    In the same sense that a herd of cows is curious when they wander over to a different spot in the meadow and stare vacantly, if innocently, around while chewing their cuds?

    Nah, these are "curious" Americans if curious means "hateful, ignorant, stupid, racist" Americans.

  96. lulzmonger

    Shorter Birthtards: "Hey, the view from up our own asses is AWESOME! Come on in, America – after bending over for our Gooper crypto-corporatist pimps all these years, there's room enough in here for EVERYBODY!"

  97. SorosBot

    So I get back from a night out at the bar and – 525 comments. And no notable trolling and responses yet. We people talk (well, type) too much.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      That's because we are all so fabulously interesting and entertaining and witty. And frustrated because we're, you know, uh, smart. Good night, all.

  98. undeterredbyreality

    In other news, Pope provides baptismal certificate, Baptisters claim the water was not holy. Bear provides shit from woods, water-closeters insist upon anal analysis, look for scratches on ass from twigs.

  99. OldRedneck

    I've heard that Sarah Palin has turned Obama's birth certificate over to Trig to be validated — she figures he's smarter than all the birthers combined.

  100. BZ1

    "I know there will be a segment of people for whom this issue will not be put to rest." Amen, not in a gazillion years…

  101. BarackMyWorld

    Right now I'm wishing I had a long-form birth certificate that said I was born in Canada.

    I don't know how much more of this stupidity I can take.

  102. Left_Leftie

    Am I the only one who noticed Obama ironed out this little administrative issue on Administrative Professorial Day? I wonder what he's got up his sleeve for Bosses Day?

  103. MadBrahms

    To add to my earlier comment:
    In British Kenya, the term African *was* a racial categorization, regardless of what term Americans may have used. Indeed, the 1962 Kenya Population Census contained an entire volume labelled "African population" (this is clearly a colonial category, as Kenya didn't gain independence until one year later, in 1963).

    Or see also the OED, 2nd edition (before it was revised to be more politically sensitive)
    Negro, I 1. "An individual (esp. a male) belonging to the *African race* of mankind, which is distinguished by a black skin, black tightly-curled hair, and a nose flatter and lips thicker and more protruding than is common amongst white Europeans." (emphasis added)

    There are two plausible possibilities here: one, that the attending physician used Mr. Obama's self-reported race (he may well have said "African", knowing that category best), or two, that the hospital staff relied on Barack Sr's colonial-era British birth certificate, which would likely have read "African", and used it to fill in the form.

    Open. Shut. Who says academics are useless?

      1. undeterredbyreality

        And that wingtards have an anti-factual bias. And "nanner nanner nanner, you're a big stinky-poo and I don't believe you." Also.

    1. user-of-owls

      Who says academics are useless?

      Pretty much every last one of the Republican elite and their base.

    2. Negropolis

      Well, as if it'd really matter if his father had even self-described as a Martian. He could have been born on the moon, because his mother was an American. I'm not even sure what him having an "African" father on the birth certificate is supposed to mean; that it's not a legitimate certificate? There's all kinds of crazy/unusual shit on birth certificates.

      1. MadBrahms

        The first point is,of course, totally true. But the second is apparently outside the realm of possibility for wingnut types, who seem to paradoxically believe that the government is an efficient and error free bureaucracy and that the government is bloated and incompetent.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      That is well-reasoned and grounded in historical fact.

      Your argument doesn't stand a chance.

  104. widget2011

    So just who is driving up the price of gasoline & all other commodities, pray tell?

    If you own a car that cost $500,000, does the price of gas matter that much? (Think Koch's).

    New car, caviar, four star day-dream,
    think I'll buy a foot-ball team.

  105. Camaro Nova

    Has anyone noticed the birthers and other tards from Breitbart have enormous p-ness? Like 600, 800, etc? Do they just sit around upfisting each other all day?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Clearly their program of downfisting us is working. They are slowly driving us insane, causing us to lose our will to live, and undermining our precious bodily fluids.

  106. MarionNYNY

    I'm an old and started elementary school in the late sixties. I still remember how we used quills. Then there was the arrival of the fountain pen, sometime in the 1970's. They were banned from schools for a while. Fear of ink spills or that they were too easy to use and would result in kids passing more notes to each other. Finally, the ball point pen was rolled out. Must have been 1982 or so. At first they were prohibitively expensive, a real status symbol. It wasn't till after Reagan that they became commonplace.

  107. Serolf_Divad

    Well, it was Duhem-Quine on the movie posters. Originally Duhem was going to be above Quine, but Quine's agent protested and 10,000 posters were landfilled (they had already been printed, featuring, oddly enough, Carrie Fisher ina string bikini). On opening day almost all theatres displayed the re-vamped poster (with the names on the same line and the now famous picture of James Earl Jones in a string bikini) but a few thatres in the Midwest were said to have recieved (and displayed) the old poster. Some insiders have suggetsed that this was deliberate, as Pierre Duhem was more popular in Midwestern states than V.O. Quine (who appeals, let's be honest now, more to a New York audience).

    1. James Michael Curley

      Isn't this the movie where Nicolas Gage discovers Einstien's Lost Notebook, solves the EPR Paradox and changes into Samuel L Jackson?

    2. tcaalaw

      Is there any truth to the rumor that it was originally going to be titled, Revenge of the Logician before the director changed his mind and said that logicians aren't about revenge?

  108. bflrtsplk

    Dr. Sinclair died at 81 in 2003. If you multiply 2003 by 81, then divide by the number of days in Ramadan, factoring in the angle of the sun relative to earth on Armistice Day in 1918, you come to the inescapable conclusion Obama was born in Africa with a Connecticut Social Security number while holding the pen used to sign his Certificate of Birth, which we all know is not a legal document. Elvis told me so last night when he dropped by for shits and giggles.

  109. anniegetyerfun

    I wish I could cut and paste the entire fight that I had over Facebook with some birthers here – was it important or useful? No. But it illustrated a very interesting point: even if you actually bust open the motherfucking US Code and go through line by line with a birther and show how NOTHING THAT THEY SAY ABOUT IT IS TRUE, they will say, "Well, I think I am right. Also, the birth certificate appears to be a forgery. Jerome Corsi's book will be the last word on the subject."

  110. undeterredbyreality

    Finally, proof that he's a Kenyan commie: it says right on the form that dad's an African and mom– my god! She's a Russian!!! (the Caucasus were a part of Russia back then, anyway). Why hasn't this been reported?????

  111. James Michael Curley

    Oily Taints is an idiot. The "state" identifyer on social security cards is neither official nor consistent. It is a coincidence that some people who APPLIED for their social security card in the same state have an identical two digit single number because the feds gave lists of numbers to each office. Seems a few years into the creation of the social security system it dawned on somebody that having each office create its own list of numbers would cause a problem. That idea, however, has not occurred to Oily Taints.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I suspect that the ideas that do occur to the oily taint have little connection to reason or logic.

  112. DaRooster

    OK! OK… can we please get rid of Gary L. Mathis?

    Fuckin' guy is freaking me out man! Probably kills rent bois with roller ball pens…

  113. notreelyhelping

    A sign it's really over: Glenn Beck wonders if Birthers aren't secret Obama supporters. Whew. Think you won this round, Barry.

  114. Beetagger

    The birth certificate appears to be a PDF file. They didn't have PDF files in 1961!!!! Don't you get it, sheeple?

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