A Children’s Treasury of Brand-New Birther Theories To Explain Eveything

by Jack Stuef

Hey, that James Bond character's a birther?
Hey, everybody found America’s First Dentist Orly Taitz. “In those days nobody wrote African as a race, it just wasn’t one of the options. It sounds like it would be written today, in the age of political correctness, and not in 1961 when they wrote white or Asian or ‘Negro,’” she said. Aha! So even though Obama’s father was distinguished in society as a foreign African rather than an American Negro, birth certificates were blind to these differences. Sure. Birthers are very creative! President Obama finally gave them the one thing for which they asked, and to avoid just finally shutting up, they refuse to accept it.

Oh, this is fun too:

“In Obama’s Selective Service [document], his social security is listed as a Connecticut Social Security number,” said Taitz, who has tried to have forgeries introduced into court filings before.

Over at WorldNetDaily, they say that the wife of the doctor who signed the form is a bureaucrat in Hawaii. The doctor, conveniently, is dead. (He’s rotting in a shallow grave with Vince Foster somewhere.)

Sinclair’s wife, Ivalee Mae Sinclair, 82, works for the state of Hawaii’s legislature.

In January, she was elected chairman of the Special Education Task Force of the Department of Education, a panel she has been on since its founding by the state legislature in 2007.

Even WND is unsure how this points to conspiracy, but, uh, you know! Rarrrrrrr! 82-year-old woman nobody’s heard of before, rarrrrrr! Scary!

Jerome Corsi is releasing a book through WND’s press in a few days. It’s called Where’s the Birth Certificate?. (The answer to this title: on the front page of every news site today.) But:

“Public pressure finally forced Obama to do what he did today. Now the game begins,” said Corsi. “Nixon thought he could stop the Watergate scandal from unfolding by releasing a few tapes. All that did was fuel the fire.”

See, back in Nixon’s day, everyone was claiming Nixon wasn’t a penguin. “But I am a penguin, you ingrates!” Nixon yelled. He released some tapes, but there was nothing on them about being a penguin. So this is the same thing. It’s Watergate.

And look, “historians” found a random quote:

Representative John Bingham of Ohio, a principal framer of the Fourteenth Amendment, offered some definition for presidential qualifications in a discussion in the House on March 9, 1866: “[I] find no fault with the introductory clause [S. 61 Bill], which is simply declaratory of what is written in the Constitution, that every human being born within the jurisdiction of the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty is, in the language of your Constitution itself, a natural born citizen.”

“So according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president,” wrote Klein.

Perfect. The truth is easy to avoid when you use a little imagination! Try it out sometime, kids. All these adults are providing you the perfect example. [Twitter/TPM/Ben Smith/WND/WND/WND]

 
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{ 640 comments }

facehead April 27, 2011 at 4:25 pm

The Duhem-Quine Thesis strikes again.

There, I said it.

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

It's like Lewis Carroll 2.1: How is a teatard like a physicist?

(Answer: because POPTARTS!!1!!!)

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

I guess surrealism isn't everyone's cup of fur.

Geminisunmars April 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Someone had to.

CapeClod April 27, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Please ,just kill these people.They just muck things up and confuse the morons,

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 11:25 pm

Fukin eleetist

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 4:26 pm
ChurchofRealism April 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Shape of…insufferable assholes.

SalomeValentine April 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Thanks for making me laugh. That was great.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Form of . . . racist douchebags.

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

A hundred spiritual upfists for "afterbirters."

Jukesgrrl April 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I like it, too, although I fail to see how afterbirth can be created by teabagging.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Possibly something like those egg-layers in Aliens? I think it has to include a tri-cornered hat at some point in the process.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:07 pm

No!
No birthing of anything with corners, pretty please!
*crosses legs in sympathy*

SorosBot April 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

Forming the Mega-Moron Zord.

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

The power of your reply made my mighty p-ness morph to 111!

I AM SO AMPED!

Barb April 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Congrats on your bigger p-ness!

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Thanks, B-ness!

It's no jaw-poppingly huge strap-on number like you're sportin', but I will love it just the same.

SorosBot April 27, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Morphenomenal!

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Could you and Barb please stop sword fighting right in front of my fucking face?!

It's hard to gaze lustfully at my new 11-incher with your two comically disproportionate p-nesses all up in my grill and shit.

102415 April 27, 2011 at 6:56 pm

111? money bag!!! Congratulations.

El Pinche April 27, 2011 at 7:58 pm

OMG

Lost_Teabaggers April 27, 2011 at 8:12 pm

I'm not going to say whether that video was funny or not to inflate your ego…but let's just say this much, I've been constimipated for three weeks and thanks to you, I can no longer put that on job applications as a skill….

chascates April 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

All of these peabrains refuse to accept a public record but overwhelmingly believe in an invisible Space Giant who listens to the inner thoughts of over six billion people (well, listening to his believers anyway) and judges them on emotions and behaviors he himself gave them!

unclejeems April 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Dear Chascates: Take it all back right now.

Signed,

The Space Giant.

weejee April 27, 2011 at 4:37 pm

peabrains

That's quite generous of you chascates. Very kind indeed.

elviouslyqueer April 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

A zillionty lashes with my wet noodly appendage, you heretic.

No love.

FSM

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Hi, is there any chance I could get a few of thoses lashes from your noodly appendage, Elviously?

UW8316154 April 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Stop flirting, you two..

SheriffRoscoe April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

They also believe the evidence proving evolution, (you know, fossils, DNA) is still too flimsy for their comfort level. But hey! Elijah totally rocked that fiery chariot to heaven. Because it's in the bible….DUH!

OC_Surf_Serf April 27, 2011 at 7:34 pm

Stopped believing in God before I stopped believing in Santa…even to my 8-year-old eyes, Santa was at least plausible

Jukesgrrl April 27, 2011 at 8:12 pm

Or the stuff you got from him was better.

weejee April 27, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Less metafizzical, too.

ArmoredBore April 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

These people who put more faith in a rotten old war manual than our best thinkers are often the same ones who would rather give a convicted man a gun than a gay man a typewriter.

And for my next impression, me being surprised!

HistoriCat April 27, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Well everyone knows the bible is the word of god because it says so in the bible. Double DUH!

weejee April 27, 2011 at 8:47 pm

♪♫ And all reason goes 'round and down
And the birther homies jump up and down
They're captive on a carousel insane
They can't let go with heads up behinds
From where they came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game ♫♪

harry_palmer April 27, 2011 at 6:04 pm

You're not actuallly judged for your behavior, but whether or not you believe you're going to be judged by an incredibly insecure all-powerful space giant. As for the emotions and behaviors He gave us, He seems to have fucked it up so bad that He had to torture and murder His own son to appease His own anger. Since that apparently didn't work either, He's going to destroy the world (and not for the first time). I hear He's penciled in May 21st. Because He's the God of love. For myself, I can't wait to meet all you people in hell – it's gonna be the best party ever.

HELisforHEL April 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Well said, I often wonder why following Mr. Not So Very Pleasant is so popular. He's a fuck-up engineer (I mean, look at us) with a nasty anger management problem. He certainly comes across as a fella who would be a real downer at parties.

ArmoredBore April 27, 2011 at 7:46 pm

All I learned about engineering came from Team Fortress 2, and even I'm a better engineer.

jqheywood April 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

Yeah….I mean, really, what kind of idiot engineer puts a sewage plant next to an amusement park?

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:19 pm

I'll bring the wine. (I figure hard liquor will evaporate too fast.)

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Or catch fire.

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

Yeah, and more of that will not be needed. Unless it happens to be Hell's opposite day.

Confusing as Hell showing up in Hell on opposite day.

[redacted]hse April 27, 2011 at 8:13 pm

These people thrive on the absurd. Clowns.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 10:28 pm

I can do ya one better- they also claim to love the Constitution, even though the Constitution pretty unambiguously states that any state-issued document that's good enough for the courts of Hawaii is necessarily good enough for the rest of the country. Full Faith and Credit Clause, for the sad.

I mentioned this over there, and… oh, hey, look at that! The Breittards just downfisted the Constitution.

nounverb911 April 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

"“In Obama’s Selective Service [document], his social security is listed as a Connecticut Social Security number,” said Taitz, who has tried to have forgeries introduced into court filings before. "

Obama was born in Connecticut? Sounds foreign to me.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Obama is… Joe Liebermann!

… Dun. Dun. Duhnnnnn!

chascates April 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

That's how 'Joementum' became 'O-mentum'!

OurHoboSenator April 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm

You know who else was born in Connecticut?

nounverb911 April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Mark Twain?

nounverb911 April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Chimpy McFlightsuit and his dad?

anniegetyerfun April 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Ivanka Trump?

mannacler April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Ann Coulter?

jqheywood April 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm

"born" may be stretching it a bit….more like "spawned"

widestanceroman April 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Nut Meg?

BaldarTFlagass April 27, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Is it cheating if I look this up online? Because Wikipedia has a real long list.
I don't have the time to go through and pick out the most ironic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_people_from_

WordSaladNation April 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Me?

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm

No. Who?

OurHoboSenator April 27, 2011 at 9:12 pm

All good answers. Except for yours, WordSaladNation. I can't just take your word for that. Needz moar birf certifikat!

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:12 pm

My Aunt Gertie?

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

That Yankee in King Arthur's Court?

TheMightyHaltor April 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Connecticut was a hotbed of anti-colonial sentiment in the late 1700's.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Those crazy Mau Maus! Not to be trusted by decent folk.

Canmon April 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

The birth certificate does not indicate whether he is "natural born" (as required under the Constitution) or born through c-section. Why won't Obama agree to exhume his mother so we can check for a scar? What is he trying to hide?

drrty_martini April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Are you trying to say he was untimely ripped from his mother's womb?! Macbeth will not be pleased with this new information.

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

My Shakespeare is fuzzy – does this mean Obama gets to behead Trump now?

glamourdammerung April 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I think he pretty much just did.

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

But we didn't see him actually… oh, right.

FelixCulpa April 28, 2011 at 11:06 am

In Christopher Hitchens' autobiography, he recounts how he and some friends once amused themselves over lunch trying to come up with Robert Ludlum-style names for Shakespeare plays….Macbeth became, "The Dunsinane Reforestation."

On that line…perhaps we should call this "The Oahu Obloquy"?

Schmegeg April 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Obama in the Scottish play? I always pictured him in Othello.

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Geez, why not Titus Andronicus? There's a black guy in that one too.

Obama doesn't belong in a Shakespeare play. Stoppard play, maybe.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

This is bad news, for Thane Macbeth.

mavenmaven April 27, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Who actually thought this was actually about a birth certificate?

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Uh… retards? Crazy people?

You know… Teabaggers… but not now because there is one… So… NEXT WACKO THEORY!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Puhleeze, it is and always has been about the color of the man's skin. Period.

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Me nose…

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Ok, so now you're saying he smells furrin!?!?

Oh fuck it, I quit. I'm probably just feeding their imaginations now.

HELisforHEL April 27, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Wait what? Nooooo I can't believe people would be stupid enough, boneheaded enough, fucking witless enough to be panic stricken by a person's pigmentation, who would…AHAHAHAHAHA I kill me.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Donald Trump?

mavenmaven April 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Nah, in Trump's case it was about Trump.

Jukesgrrl April 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

In Trump's case, EVERYTHING is about Trump.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Tragically, it appears that President Obama or his advisors thought this was actually about a birth certificate.

The fact that releasing this document would only encourage the birther hysteria was 100% predicable.

1st Rule: Don't feed the trolls!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Dear doG, Raven, your p-ness has doubled in the last 12 hours! Share your secret. Pumps? Pills?

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

The same as the secret behind all my successes in life: Sheer Dumb Luck. Perhaps they are ‘mercy ps’?

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Shirley you jest. We Wonketteers are not known for our mercy.

wegot2dobetter April 27, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Nah, I disagree. Barry's way too smart to believe this was about the birth certificate. This was about making the front-runner Republican candidate and those of his ilk look like idiots. Sucks that he had to do this, but i think it is a huge political calculation and ultimately a win, once again making Obama look like the only adult in the room.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

If only we had an adult populace. Sorry, but the "Say it loud, we're stooopid and proud," contingent seems to be growing exponentially in this country. I suspect a brain virus or parasitic brain worms that thrive on corn syrup.

Sadly, whatever the cause, it doesn't seem to impede its victims from rolling their rascals to the polls and voting.

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 1:05 am

Idiocracy my brother… that movie rings more true every day.

Sad… fucking sad.

HELisforHEL April 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Agreed. He's a crafty politician, and I mean that in the best way in this case. I wish he'd employ 'craftiness' more often, actually. And once again, he came across as the only guy wearing his big-boy pants, chastising the lazy idiot press corp too. I like this Obama 2.0, I hope he sticks around.

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm

Got to give the Birther Scum credit though, despite the fact that they look like the racist lunatic fringe that they are, they intend to go down in a Red, White, and Blue Blaze of Glory.

yyyaz April 27, 2011 at 6:50 pm

A red, white and blue flaming pile of FAIL, maybe.

CZL April 27, 2011 at 8:17 pm

This is America. Flaming piles of fail are how we roll.

TheSheriffsNear April 27, 2011 at 6:09 pm

That's what my forum name and avatar are all about.

Mel Brooks was precient. It's all right there in Rockridge.

widestanceroman April 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Why do facts hate my belief system?

Whatever April 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I have but one UPTHUMB to give but if i had more you would have them all sir/ma'am.

widestanceroman April 27, 2011 at 4:57 pm

Thanks. What that I could accept them all, I would,

It's sir, BTW. I need a better avatar, this one is Sarah's head on a toddler body, rather disturbing–when you can see it–but it suggests another gender of its owner.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:02 pm
HistoriCat April 27, 2011 at 8:44 pm

Domesticated animals are the avatars of choice for those of us who lack other, cooler pictures …

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 9:03 pm

O/T reminded me think of this.

"Our domestic animals taste very good, indeed."

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2011 at 10:49 pm

My avatar is an actual photo of me, that my then 4-year-old and I messed about with while I showed her fun stuff you can do with iPhoto and MacPaint.

She was all chirpy about the whole concept of 'auras,' which came up during the session.

OzoneTom April 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

One more exhibit demonstrating that "Reality has a Liberal bias."

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

I read that as "Riley has a Liberal bias" — a sentiment with which I totally agree.

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Facts have a liberal bias.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm

That's why Faux News is "fair and balanced": They give facts and fantasy equal time. More or less.

memzilla April 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Analysis courtesy of Wile E. Coyote… Sooper Genius.

It's just amazing to see how Obama seemingly answers the Birthers while keeping the Righties slavering and the Rethuglicans stumbling with it.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 6:23 pm

The Acme Forgery Detection Kit?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Wait – isn't it ILLEGAL to release a Hawaiian long form certificate? OBAMA is a crimina!!!!!!!! Spread teh wurd!!!!!!

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

No, no, he got a waiver from the Hawaiian state government (i.e., affirmative action).

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 4:29 pm

Let's parse Gary Mathis: GM likes to roll around in balls. But, of what? Feces? Or is he referring to testicles?

weejee April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Need to put this beautiful dung beetle with Gary's face on a Blingee. Jack, Jack, you still half-way sober?

GeneralLerong April 27, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Cognitive dissonance in action, woohoo!

If only it were fatal within 6 weeks. I'd even settle for brain-damaged to the point of needing assisted living – that might be even more "fair" to their enablers.

nounverb911 April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

"In Obamas Selective Service [document] "
Obama's a draft dodger too?

axmxz April 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Vietnam missed out on one hell of a drummer-boy.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:18 pm

And when the sergeant told his men to get down…

BaldarTFlagass April 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Sheesh, you'd think that the time travellers would have gone ahead and had him born on 31 Dec 1959 so he would have been exempt when Carter re-instituted mandatory registration for the draft in 1980 .

Trannysurprise April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

This is the greatest day of my life.

Boredw/Gravitas April 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Yes, the imploding is very entertaining.

HuddledMass April 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm

i thought it was because his p-score topped 100.

Callyson April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

“Nixon thought he could stop the Watergate scandal from unfolding by releasing a few tapes. All that did was fuel the fire.”
What else do they expect now? A video? Tape of Obama's mom screaming in agony as she delivers? Audio of the doctor muttering "come on, come on, I haven't got all day here"?

Boredw/Gravitas April 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

You forgot "and Diamondhead and hula dancers in the background."

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Don Ho singing Tiny Bubbles.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Yes, they expect all these things and more, and no, they will not be satisfied with any of it. QED.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:15 pm

James,

Do you subscribe to the theory that

A) Releasing the long form certificate was eleventy dimensional chess that will ultimately discredit the birthers and by extension Repugs in the eyes of sane Americans, (shrinking demographic), or

B) Just another capitulation that will embolden the psychotic fringe?

TootingTricky April 27, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Ah-ha! Video didn't become available to the public until 1971, thus proving… um…. I'm not sure exactly. But rarrrrr!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Sketchings! Show us the original sketchings of the birth. The original, long-form, "Negro"-specific sketchings of the birth of a 50-yr-old man who has already been vetted by numerous officials who all verify he is American.

Show us that, and we will concede.

Maybe.

sezme April 27, 2011 at 7:49 pm

On that video, were the nurses saying, "Push!" in Swahili? Well were they?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:36 pm

He's still only an alleged American because his mom was allegedly an American. Where's her birf cert? Huh? Where's the REAL Stanley? What happened to him, huh?

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Shirley we can all agree that Stanley is a boy's name.

__kth__ April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Doctor who delivered babies in 1961 strangely no longer alive: Obama Death Count +1

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

First the grandmother, now the doctor. Conspiracy.

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:52 pm

It's almost as if the older a person is, the more likely he/she is to die! Get some researchers on this conspiracy, stat!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 8:00 pm

What, never heard of a death panel?

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Where was Hillary Clinton? What does she know?

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Hillary travelled thru time to 1992, & convinced pre-suicide Vincent Foster to travel thru time & kill them.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Doctor who delivered babies in 1961 strangely no longer alive: Bo Obama Death Count +1

FTFY.

NOBOBAMA

Toomush_Infer April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

It's a no-brainer (literally)…Hawaii is only a state of mind….

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Are you suggesting Obama move the island?

Ohforcripessake April 27, 2011 at 4:31 pm

I apologize to our alien overlords for the stupidity of many of my fellow human beings.

jus_wonderin April 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I can imagine a screenplay for an awesome movie where the aliens do enslave us but our stupid antics make it almost impossible to rule us. And then, hilarity ensues.

I will cut you in on the movie rights.

metamarcisf April 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

When the dust settles, Jerome Corsi's Pulitzer collection will be so extensive, they'll fill all the holes in the Albert Hall.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

And I just had to look, having read the book…

yyyaz April 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Some birther spoke and they went into a dream.*

*National never-ending nightmare

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I downfisted you, but with love as you go forth and do battle with the Breathfarters.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

His awesome tome "Where's the birth certificate?" is still at no. 38 on the amazon bestseller list despite not being released.

To which the answer is "here, bitch, now take your ramshackle collection of innuendo and wild speculation and jam it up up your overfed arse"

So, will he attempt a hurried rewrite or just release it to the slavering teabag hordes anyway?

petehammer April 27, 2011 at 7:39 pm

I think you misunderstand Jerome Corsi. He will fill Albert Hall's hole.

calibrit April 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

There are now more holes in the birthers' case than there are in Blackburn, Lancashire…

arihaya April 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

you know what else invented in 1980s ?

DeLorean time machine of course ,,, question answered thanks

TootingTricky April 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Powered by plutonium supplied by MUSLINS!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Just because you answered it doesn't mean we can't proceed with a time-honored tradition.

Popples?

SayItWithWookies April 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

You'd think with all the permutations of responses from birfers, at least one of them would be "Oh — good enough for me, then." But now, of course, their faith is even stronger now that all the evidence is against them.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Credo quia absurdum est.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Oh, so yore a furriner, two! This is Murka! Speke Murkin!

finallyhappy April 27, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Making this about me I once said Quid pro quo and a co-worker asked me to stop the Jew talk.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:38 pm

OMG! Three questions:

Where did this happen?

What was your response?

What was your coworkers profession? (I'm guessing Rocket Surgeon…)

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 27, 2011 at 8:47 pm

The words are Latin, but the concept is strictly kosher.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:55 pm

I am such a perverse little freak that I'm now dying to use the phrase "Stop the Jew talk" in conversation.

My irony will be misunderstood, and I will be soundly thrashed with Krav Maga techniques.

AJW@[redacted] April 27, 2011 at 6:46 pm

You a damned Clamper, too?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 27, 2011 at 8:49 pm

I'm more of a Tertullian-ian. It's absurder.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

How do you get to Paranoid Delusion Land?

Practice, man, practice.

sezme April 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Kinda like when the Saviour unexpectedly died of crucifixion?

AngryGeometer April 27, 2011 at 9:09 pm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

An early version of cognitive dissonance theory appeared in Leon Festinger's 1956 book, When Prophecy Fails. This book gave an inside account of the increasing belief which sometimes follows the failure of a cult's prophecy. The believers met at a pre-determined place and time, believing they alone would survive the Earth's destruction. The appointed time came and passed without incident. They faced acute cognitive dissonance: had they been the victim of a hoax? Had they donated their worldly possessions in vain? Most members chose to believe something less dissonant: the aliens had given earth a second chance, and the group was now empowered to spread the word: earth-spoiling must stop. The group dramatically increased their proselytism despite the failed prophecy.

Lascauxcaveman April 28, 2011 at 12:26 am

That's just people. They hate to admit they were wrong.

Then there's us grownups.

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 12:35 am

I'm actually getting quite a bit of (personal) milage out of pointing out to the lot of them that if they didn't hate the Constitution, Hawaii's word on the official and legal authenticity of its own documents would have been the last word on this issue. Why do they hate the Constitution so much?

weejee April 27, 2011 at 4:32 pm

One long, one short, now fire for effect.

MittsHairHelmet April 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm

A vast network of conspirators convinced the world that a baby born in Kenya was actually born in Hawaii. They destroyed any documentation that might prove the truth of the baby's birth. Then those conspirators shepherded that baby through his life, through Columbia, Harvard Law, a community organizing career, state and federal politics and finally the presidency itself.

Surely, those conspirators can whip up a forged long-form Hawaii birth certificate.

This changes nothing.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

The Haka is a magical thing.

Oh, no, does this mean the Mormons are in on it too? (Lots of Samoans/Polynesians on the BYU football team.)

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 12:51 am

Obama played rugby?

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

They'll have this matched to a model of typewriter only manufactured in Kenya in no time.

tcaalaw April 27, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Your logic is irrefutable. Do you have a newletter I could subscribe to?

MittsHairHelmet April 27, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I'm a true leader in the movement. I only use facebook, twitter and hotmail.

Dr_Zoidberg April 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I've said it before…the size and scope of this 'conspiracy' dwarfs everything else ever done in human history.

AJW@[redacted] April 27, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Foreign babby is foreign.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:28 pm

"Surely, those conspirators can whip up a forged long-form Hawaii birth certificate. "

"They're trying to lull us into a false sense of security." /Dale Gribble/

nounverb911 April 27, 2011 at 4:33 pm

According to IMDB, "Rollerball" was released in 1975.

Jonathon!
Jonathon!

OneYieldRegular April 27, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Gee thanks for that. Now I'll probably end up ordering it from Netflix some night when I bring home a fresh bottle of gin, and maybe add "Showgirls" for a double feature.

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Don't forget Death Race 2000…

Limeylizzie April 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Does Gary Mathis know he has a gay, black brother?

OzoneTom April 27, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Exactly! That was the first thing that I thought of too.

Actually, no — I guess that I was thinking of Johnny Mathis.

But were you thinking of Ronald Gary Mathis?

ManchuCandidate April 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

Those stupid crazy fucks will always be 'Bama Rolled.

We're no strangers to dumb
You know the forms and so do I
A full blown conspiracy is what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give it up
Never gonna let it go
Never gonna stop and keep tormenting you
Never gonna stop the lies
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna let it go or praise O

baconzgood April 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

"House on March 9, 1866: '[I] find no fault with the introductory clause [S. 61 Bill], which is simply declaratory of what is written in the Constitution, that every human being born within the jurisdiction of the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty is, in the language of your Constitution itself, a natural born citizen.”

BAM OBAMA THERE IT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Citing indifference to an example of a clause that didn't pass and get into an 145 year old amendment. HUH BOY? HUH???? WHATCHA YOU GOTTA SAY NOW NON-BIRTHER BITCHES!!!!

genxr April 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm

In 1866, Barry's grandmother hurried off to Washington, D.C., to submit that statement to the House records.

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

This not only goes all the way to the top, it goes all the way back in time!

SorosBot April 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Well it's not like the Supreme Court settled that 113 years ago or anything… <a href="http://www.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/historic shttp://www.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/historics/USSC_CR_0169_0649_ZO.html

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

You make my attention span hurt!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_v._Won

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 27, 2011 at 4:34 pm

I continue to watch, fascinated.

yyyaz April 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

One person's fascination is another's being assaulted day and night by the grinding shitheel of stoopid. Carry on.

jus_wonderin April 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

I just hope I don't have to pee when it all explodes. I did sit on the end of the aisle.

MinAgain April 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

We gotta get you a hobby.

pukebot April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

birth certificate of a nation.

GhostBuggy April 27, 2011 at 11:34 pm

Marvelous, pukebot. Well done.

anniegetyerfun April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to to avoid just shutting up finally, they refuse to accept it.

Well… yeah.

edgydrifter April 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

This obviously and clumsily-forged document along with the fact that he had an American passport as a youth proves without a doubt that Barak HUSSEIN Soetero Osama is the golden child of a multi-generational international socialist Muslim NWO cabal. He's probably a Freemason, too.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Bilderberg! Too, also.

HistoriCat April 27, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Unless you can explain how the Trilateral Commission, the Lizard People and the Reverse Vampires factor into this then I'm going to assume you're covering up for somebody.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Reverse Vampires are a new concept to me. Sadly, I am all too familiar with Lizard people and the Trilateral Commission.

Do Reverse Vampires spit blood into you? They ONLY show up in mirrors?

HistoriCat April 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

From a Simpsons episode – reverse vampires would always be inside after dark.
Bart: OK, it's not _painfully_ clear the adults are _definitely_ paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?
[he and Bart start wrestling]
Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
Bart: [condescending] So what's the simplest explanation?
Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!

Bart: So finally, we're all in agreement about what's going on with the adults. Milhouse?
Milhouse: [steps up to blackboard] Ahem. OK, here's what we've got: the Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people —
Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: — under the supervision of the reverse vampires —
Lisa: [sighs]
Milhouse: — are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner. [sotto voce] We're through the looking glass, here, people…

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 4:31 pm

Thanks for the ejumication! Didn’t realize how much I was missing by not seeing every episode of The Simpsons.

DrunkIrishman April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

You know who else is from Connecticut? BUSH.

OBAMA = BUSH!

smokefilledroommate April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Yeah, back in 1961, they weren't so politically correct to use 'African'. Normally, 'Darkie' or 'Coon' or some other racial slur was used for race.

CrunchyKnee April 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Especially in Hawaii, with that huge population of rednecks and Scots-Irish imma-gants, oh wait…

deelzebub April 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

As a descendent of Scots-Irish immigrants, let me say that when using the term Scots-Irish, the term rednecks is redundant.

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

I think they only inhabited Southern Hawaii. And Indiana.

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I figured Spearchucker, given the whole African thing.

imissopus April 27, 2011 at 5:01 pm

You snark, but Pareene posted this comment he pulled off a Freep thread:

"In 1961, blacks were called negro, colored, darkie, and several other less accepted names, but they were NEVER called 'African' as Urkel’s father was in this document. An American adult in 1961 would no more have called a negro 'African' than they would have called a homosexual 'gay'. That alone is enough to raise huge questions about this document."

Yes yes, "darkie" was acceptable nomenclature on official government documents.

smokefilledroommate April 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

They're calling the President 'Urkel' now?

problemwithcaring April 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

This started some time ago. It confuses me too, just like the Fundies calling him "Tiger Woods" when he first came on the scene. I think maybe racists believe its clever to call a Black person by the name of any other Black person….?

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

'They' are all interchangeable like Lego blocks. Didn't you know?

Cicada April 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

It must be because he wears high waters and big goofy glasses…oh wait, that's not it. Maybe it's because Obama has a high, screechy voice? No, no, that's not it.
Whatever could it be??

Terry April 27, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Funny that Obama's father was actually an African.

GOPCrusher April 27, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Who knew Kenya was in Africa?

Gleem_McShineys April 27, 2011 at 6:11 pm

A Conspiracy of Dunces

doloras April 27, 2011 at 6:00 pm

BUT BHO Sr. WAS ACTUALLY FROM FREAKIN' AFRICA!!!

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:37 pm

"blacks were called negro, colored, darkie, and several other less accepted names, but they were NEVER called 'African' as Urkel’s father was in this document.'"

Despite the fact that Mr. Obama, Senior was actually FROM Africa?
*American* blacks might have been called negro, as well as other less polite terms, but I tend to think that, even in 1961, a person from Africa was called African.

not that Dewey April 28, 2011 at 12:02 am

As the all-knowing Onion once said, Stereotypes are a Real Time-Saver.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 6:41 pm

To be fair, my mother's birth certificate lists her mother as "black".

Of course, that's ACTUALLY because her mother's actually Polish, and she's only listed that way because miscegenation was illegal in a few places back then. My grandfather was a black Puerto Rican.

So in conclusion, yes, these Birth Certificate thingies always cleave to extremely precise terminology and any discrepancy of terminology automatically means you aren't a citizen.

Crank_Tango April 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

a friend of mine was born in texas to taiwanese parents and her birth certificate listed her as "mongoloid."

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm

If I'm not mistaken, that's an old-fashioned term of race like "caucasoid" or "negroid", and didn't necessarily refer to a person with a chromosomal abnormality.

Crank_Tango April 28, 2011 at 12:20 am

hmm yes you're right. actually now that you say that, I think her cert actually said “mongolian.” I wish I was still in touch with her cuz I would ask her.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:52 pm

You'll never be President, then. Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you.

Chet Kincaid April 28, 2011 at 12:38 am

Homeland Security got you on the run? Hope you're undisclosed and secure.

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 12:53 am

Well, duh. Not like it's to be terribly unexpected, though. After all, hello? Brown guy over here.

MadBrahms April 28, 2011 at 3:05 am

Reporting laws vary from state to state, but by 1960, race was an open, self-reported attribute on the US census. It's not as if this sort of thing didn't have precedent, and it's entirely conceivable that if *asked* (say, "Are you caucasian, black, or something else?") Mr. Obama would answer "African". It's an incredible presumption that the race recorded by the doctor was his own invention based on a narrow set of bureaucratically-defined options, which very well may not have been the case.

James Michael Curley April 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

Can now one go for the simple explanation? Some orderly walked into his mother's room and asked her information to fill out the certificate.

Mkloz April 27, 2011 at 4:36 pm

Afterbirthers and Placentards, Unite!

ghblowhard April 27, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I'm pretty sure George Washington's father wasn't born in America either

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 5:23 pm

the same is true for 5 other presidents, but your "facts" have no place in this discussion. Good Day, Sir/Madam!

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 1:01 am

If we're talking about children of non-Americans, way more than five. Pretty much every president through Lincoln had at least one parent who a British citizen or some such at birth. That's where they all got that Mau-mau anti-colonialism the 19th century was so famous for.

Oh, and then, there was Chester A. Arthur, whose dad was Irish by way of Canada. So, cue conspiracy theories that Chester A. Arthur emigrated from Ireland at 14, that he was actually born in Canada and moved to America at a young age, that, okay, he was born here, but his mom is part native-American on her mom's side, so even though he was born here, that's not good enough, even though there's a 14th Amendment by then.

If any of these sound familiar, it's probably because, yes, those guys were fucking racists, also.

Terry April 27, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Yeah, his mother wasn't either. Jefferson, both Adamses, …

Slim_Pickins April 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

The Founding Fathers grandfathered themselves in, it was the first entitlement.

anniegetyerfun April 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Herbert Kornfeld's fill-in.

ablington April 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

For reals, I'm thinking Herbert isn't dead after all.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Herbert would never be a Birther. Obie is his brother from another mother.

They used to scope chicks together from the vantage of DA NITE RIDA. How'd you think Barack met Michelle, otherwise?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Three WND links in one post? I recommend Lysol.

Fox n Fiends April 27, 2011 at 4:39 pm

The Bible is a forgery written in 1526 by French aristocrats. Forgery is a very lucrative and enduring trade.

doloras April 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Goddamn Prieuré de Sion, always up in our business.

DerrickWildcat April 27, 2011 at 4:40 pm

I'll reserve judgment on this Birth Certificate issue until tomorrow when Doocey, Carlson and Kilmeade analyze it in their Fox and friends Lab.

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I tried to imagine such a lab, and all I saw was an easy bake oven, some food coloring, and lots of play-doh

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

And boxes and boxes of baking soda and gallons of vinegar. Chemistry, you know.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

"Fox and Friends Lab" I'm picturing a super spirograph and pair of x-ray specs.

finallyhappy April 27, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I saw dogs

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Sadly, Kilmeade would probably vivisect a dog just to watch it die.

e_z April 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Double plus thumbs up

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

These developments give me new insight into the nature of religious faith.

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Don't they want to do away with the section of the amendment dealing with being born on American soil means your a citizen? You know the whole "Terror Baby" thing… then that means Obama was a "President Baby", they had him on US soil so he could become President… quite a plot.
Hey folks, there truly are things around here that need some attention… poors, environment, healthcare… oh, and my lawn needs mowed.
Fucking Ass-Hats!

elviouslyqueer April 27, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Your move, T-Rump. Oh, wait.

trampndirtdown April 27, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Hope you and all our southern brethren are staying safe with the storms blowing through.

JustPixelz April 27, 2011 at 4:42 pm

"…according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president"

As much as WND would like the 14th Amendment to say

All persons born or naturalized in the United States of parents not owing allegiance to any foreign sovereignty , and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States.

The actual amendment, passed by Congress and ratified by 3/4 of the several States, says:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States

What is it about the plain language of the Constitution that they find so hard to understand? OH WAIT! It's the fifth grade reading level.

Pragmatist2 April 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"Fifth Grade"????
If these people made it to Fifth Grade it's because their daddy contributed megabucks to the building fund.

Boredw/Gravitas April 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

FIFTH grade? You give them too much credit, my friend.

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Words, schmurds…it's close enough! He's a witch!

MinAgain April 27, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Show-off.

unclejeems April 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

Right, Trump has already moved on to how the prez got into Harvard Law. Guess a degree from Columbia ain't what is used to be. This could spawn a whole new group of mouth-breathers. LSATers? Harvard Law Suckers? Er, Lawyers? It's always somethin'.

Then of course there's this http://theobamafile.com/ObamaEducation.htm .

I think the best bona fides to anything Obama has done is that Michelle agreed to marry him.

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Magna cum who? Trump wipes his ass with all the Nobel Prizes he's won.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Trump would never agree edit the Harvard Law Review because there's no money in it, and Trump's no chump!

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 5:19 pm

The only real diploma is from Trump University*

*(note, not really a university. Or even a places to learn things.)

SorosBot April 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

What about Beck University?

One_Man_Band April 27, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Ugh. I read some shit on that link. Come back H1N1, where is that lethal pandemic we so richly deserve?

pinkocommi April 27, 2011 at 9:15 pm

… as if all the Teatards were so concerned with how George W. Bush got into YALE, motherfuckers!

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 4:43 pm

One long form for birthers. One long leap for birtherkind!

jus_wonderin April 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

I soooo hope some Democrats continually ask the next Republican nominee for his "long form" birth certficate.

Left_Leftie April 28, 2011 at 2:52 am

Neh, Repubs will SUDDENLY call that disrespectful of the office of the President in a time of war and call him ( it will definitely be a him) a Job-Creator and that will be the end of it.

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 10:08 am

Ding.

Rosie_Scenario April 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

Obama's mother was an American. She was in Hawaii where she met and married BHO, Sr. and gave birth to BHO, Jr. What am I missing? Any record of Stanley Ann Dunham traveling to Kenya while pregnant? No crazy rides like Sarah with Trig. Oops, we are not allowed to question Trig's provenance, only Obama and his birth certificate. No snark, just weariness with the subject and the press that it gets.

finallyhappy April 27, 2011 at 4:58 pm

yeah but Obama is black-so that pretty much explains everything

genxr April 27, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Don't worry, in another 40 years Trig will be the Republican nominee for President and we can question him all we want.

vulpes82 April 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Please, in another 40 years we'll all be scratching in the post-apocalyptic desert dirt at the Layne Compound trying to fend off the mutated teabaggers at the gates who want to steal our measly crop of hobo beans, the lone shining beacon of snark in a world gone mad.

Failure_Artist April 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

I don't think these people know that the mother is involved in the birth (see: anti-choicers)

genxr April 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

"Now the game begins,” said Corsi.

I'll get the popcorn.

MinAgain April 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

I hope it's Scrabble. I really love Scrabble.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Or maybe Hungry Hungry Hoverounds?

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Hungry Hungry Hippos Riding Hoverounds.

CapnFatback April 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Yeah, that's going to be the lowest-scoring Scrabble game since the last Palin-Bachmann family game night.

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:10 pm

So does Gabby Giffords!

mmcginty April 27, 2011 at 4:44 pm

My God people – is Hawaii even a state???!?!?!!!! Where's the proof???!!!

genxr April 27, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Where's the long form state certificate?

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 5:14 pm

This is what you get for being snarky:
http://whatreallyhappened.com/WRHARTICLES/HAWAII/

Just wait til the Birthers find that article.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:00 pm

No doubt. Much better line of legal attack. Honestly.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 7:17 pm

By this reasoning, AMURRICA IS NOT LEGALLY A COUNTRY!!! It is the result of a long string of broken treaties and illegal military actions! HOW CAN HUSSEIN BE PREZNIT IF AMURICCA IS NOT A COUNTRY?! CHECKMATE!!!1!1!1!

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm
Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 10:55 am

This is good news for Tucson, aka Baja Arizona.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

It's too foreign and exotic to be part of 'Real America'.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Plus, they let queers get married there.

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 1:32 am

Hawaii is in Iowa now?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 27, 2011 at 6:32 pm

Hawaii is a state, Hawaii is not a state. Who can say?

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Bobblehead, "I'm sorry, we're out of time. We'll have to leave it there." Cut to commercial.

DahBoner April 27, 2011 at 7:20 pm

Ironically, Mexico is more of a state than Hawaii. They got tunnels.

Hawaii ain't even got a bridge…

Rosie_Scenario April 28, 2011 at 10:03 am

Too many brown people for Sarah Palin. Poor thing had to transfer from the U of Hawaii to a more Merkin college. It's the fault of minorities that Palin started on the road to multiple transfers and delayed graduation. She coulda been Phi Beta Kappa. Prolly coulda got into Harvard, but some black person got in there in stead.

GuanoFaucet April 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Occam's razor weeps.

CapnFatback April 27, 2011 at 5:28 pm

Birthers prefer the soft, dull results of Occam's Cushion.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Love it.

NorthStarSpanx April 27, 2011 at 11:17 pm

First of all, is it like a hemorrhoid pillow and does it stay on the Rascal seat? Second, will Medicare pay for it?

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Occam's Comfy Chair?

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

"Special Education Task Force of the Department of Education" is the new KGB.

Redhead April 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

So, basically, he's a black man (or African or Negro), and therefore we can't trust him and he must be lying.

That's basically their whole point, right?

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Also, thug. You left out thug.

vulpes82 April 27, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Don't forget his Muslin Socialistism!

Cicada April 27, 2011 at 4:45 pm

This birth certificate forgery finally proves my hypothesis that Obama is a Yeti.

OneDollarJuana April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

First ball-point pen patent awarded in 1888. Is Obama really much older than we think, maybe too old to be President? There must be a rule or sumpin'!

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

It doesn't even say he's a negro. Obviously a fake. And calling his dad "African"? Clearly a politically correct mind there. Clearly it should have said Spearchucker.

BaldarTFlagass April 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

I've used this simile before, but it is so good that I can't help myself; these guys are doing the Science-Officer-Ash-After-Yaphet-Kotto-Knocks-His-Noggin-Off Shuffle and it just cracks me up.

jus_wonderin April 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I get it.

"Micro changes in air density, my ass."

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:15 pm

And they're spewing and vomiting up stuff that looks like cum? Sounds about right.

randcoolcatdaddy April 27, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Sheesh … I wish these people would just come out and say they don't want a President that's Black and just be open and honest about their petty racism.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

"We're gonna take our country back" = "don't want a president that's black". It's not all that subtle, really. Rhymes, nicely, too.

Pragmatist2 April 27, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Can't we put out a contract on these people? I mean they are consuming air and water and only contributing carbon dioxide, urine and stupidity.

fuflans April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

now we are in trouble for the 'civility' again.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Racist is the new civil.

SudsMcKenzie April 27, 2011 at 4:50 pm

This is Great!, my book on Rollerball Pens drops in 3 days.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 11:36 pm

It will go great with your previous coffeetable book about coffeetables.

smokefilledroommate April 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Birthers: Where's the birf cirtificate???!!11!!
Obama: Here.
Birthers: That's the short form!!!11!! We want the long form!!11!!1!11 And it's FAKE anyway!!!!!1111!!!1
Obama: Here.
Birthers: FAKE!!!111!!1 FAKE!!!!111!!!! WRONG!!!1111!!!

widestanceroman April 27, 2011 at 4:51 pm

Hence forth, birthers shall be referred to as 'Placentists.'

jus_wonderin April 27, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I wish I had control over font size because 10 pt type cannot express my frustration with these idiots. But then, there many not be any size that can express my frustration.

Mr. Sulu, Font Size Warp 9.

widestanceroman April 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

I think point size (kudos for using old school typographical term) is moot for billboard use, though.

baconzgood April 27, 2011 at 4:53 pm

And they are going to start using slurs in thier press statements about the prez in 4…3…2…

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Like "lyin' African"?

mookwrthwilson April 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

Well if some random 1800s congresscritter from Ohio said it, it must be gospel!!!

AJW@[redacted] April 27, 2011 at 7:12 pm
Jukesgrrl April 27, 2011 at 4:54 pm

The doctor who delivered me is dead, too. Do you think I might not be an American? It's what I would choose, at times like these.

finallyhappy April 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I beat you, doctor is dead and the hospital is torn down and my parents didn't put in birth announcements.

Gnatsum April 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

BTW, how can you tell from a copy on your computer screen what the hell kind of pen was used to sign something? LOL

Nopantsmcgee April 27, 2011 at 7:45 pm

You use Patriotism.

DonnyKerabotsos April 27, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Why do these people insist on denigrating the Donald's proud accomplishment?

BerkeleyBear April 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I do enjoy the crazy. The question is what, if anything, the various idiots vying with Trump to be the leader of the crazy GOP/sacrificial lamb in the next election, will do to mollify these freaks without losing every sane person. Or maybe, just maybe, these asshats and the Paulites will splinter off and do a Perot favor for Obama.

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 5:00 pm

"…signed with the same rollerball pen…"

Really? REALLY?!?! I have NEVER noticed that an institution, like let's say… hmmm… a HOSPITAL might possibly have more than one or two of the same types of pens around… and YOU can tell it was a "Rollerball" how? Can you tell it wasn't a fountain pen? After all, they new it was going to be important, they may have broke out the "good" pens for the Future President's" birth.

smokefilledroommate April 27, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Gary L. Mathis: Pen Detective

"I think this document was forged! The writing looks strange, like it was written with a…"
"1986 Papermate with Erasable Ink?"
" *gasp* Gary Mathis?!! You know everything about pens!"
"That's right, sister! I'm here to solve any case involving a pen of any kind–even the mystery of the President's birth certificate!"

BaldarTFlagass April 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm

There was an episode of Homicide once where a guy killed another guy over an inkpen. When the detectives went to the guy's apartment, it was absolutely filled with pens, hanging from the walls and on clotheslines strung across the rooms and shit. Maybe Gary Mathis took inspiration from this. Or inspired it.

Lefty_Lucy April 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Or, (b) maybe signer #1 did his bit and then handed the pen to signer #2, etc. Or, (c) Gary Mathis is living in a hate-filled fantasy world. I'm going to go with c.

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 12:33 am

b and c

Mahousu April 27, 2011 at 6:33 pm

I dread sticking a toe into this cesspool, but yes, the signatures of Obama's mother and the doctor are quite clearly done with a fountain pen. A regular rollerball just wouldn't produce the variable weight in the strokes like that. Yes, there are "calligraphic" rollerballs, but their results look a lot different.

They should complain about the typewriter instead. That 't' is suspiciously dark. (Never mind it's because it's typed with the index finger.)

Geminisunmars April 27, 2011 at 6:37 pm

What – are you a writer for CSI:Wonkette?

Mahousu April 27, 2011 at 6:58 pm

That's right. Enhance!

QwertyToo April 27, 2011 at 10:34 pm

Are you sure you don't want to say something witty and then put on your "sunglasses of justice?"

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 12:41 am

However it is typed with the LEFT index finger… but we all know that most people (being right handed) have a more forceful LEFT hand. Not unlike the lobster or crab… the right handed crabs claw is sharp and cutting… whereas the left claw is the power claw, the holder. Therefore the left index finger would strike the T key with greater force… so never mind that whole T key theory.

TA DA!

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 27, 2011 at 5:04 pm

And thus saith the Sarah:

Media: Admit it. Trump forced the issue. Now, don't let the WH distract you w/the birth crt from what Bernanke says today. Stay focused, eh?

genxr April 27, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Shorter Sarah: Stay focused, eh—-SQUIRREL!

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:55 pm

"Media: Admit it. Trump forced the issue. Now, don't let the WH distract you w/the birth crt"

I've had bosses like this. Whatever wasn't done yet was of overwhelming importance until the SECOND it was finished.

Yes, I wanted to throttle them, too.

GregComlish April 28, 2011 at 1:18 am

Sarah Palin can't even get through a tweet without contradicting herself. If Trump forced the issue then then the WH had no choice but to release the Long Form regardless of what Bernanke was saying. If Obama released the Long Form voluntarily to overshadow Bernanke, then Trump didn't force jack shit.

NorthStarSpanx April 28, 2011 at 8:48 am

For a do-nothing, she sure is exhausting eh? Can Alaskans get PTSD severance for surviving this quitter?

Weenus299 April 27, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Jesus didn't have a berf certificate. Who gives a shit about him, right?

MinAgain April 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm

In all fairness, he did have a star. That's almost as good as a birth certificate, right?

yyyaz April 27, 2011 at 6:37 pm

And who elected him savior, …. wait, what? Oh. "Him." Never mind. On second thought, I demand a recount.

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 7:19 pm

And what would they have filled in under "Father" _________ ?

UW8316154 April 27, 2011 at 8:09 pm

His Father would have been identified as "Jew", when everyone knows back then Jews were commonly referred to as "kikes". Thus proving that Jesus has a fake bird certificate.

sezme April 27, 2011 at 5:08 pm

President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to to avoid just shutting up finally, they refuse to accept it.

This was so hard to predict.

MarionNYNY April 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

He gave them his head on a plate?

anniegetyerfun April 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

The conspiracy goes as far back as the very founding of this nation, I tell you. Masonic stuff!

Gopherit April 27, 2011 at 5:10 pm

That's just not fair. He needs to take these assholes right now.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Yeah, then we would all be Jehovah's Witnesses, right? ("Wouldn't you like to live forever in a paradise right here on planet earth?")

deanbooth April 27, 2011 at 5:11 pm

Obama is Scotch. Why won't he release the tapes!

carlgt1 April 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

didn't he even once joke on St. Patty's Day that he's Irish and it's spelled O'Bama?

SayItWithWookies April 27, 2011 at 5:37 pm

He did, but it's invisible.

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Because they're CRAP!

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

If that's the case, then I'm drinking a glass of Obama on the rocks, right now.

axmxz April 28, 2011 at 12:12 am

He's actually a duck.

BaldarTFlagass April 27, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Looks like the guy that flew his plane into the IRS building a while back. Or maybe not.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Blacks in this country weren't allowed to use pens until 1964. It's in the constitution!

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

That's when it all started slipping away… the pens! We should have held on to our precious pen heritage!

Gleem_McShineys April 27, 2011 at 5:17 pm

"I opened this document on my PC (!) using Adobe Acrobat(!)… ACROBAT WASN'T AROUND IN TEH 1960s, SHEEPELLL! WAKE UP!!!1"

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

grins

widget2011 April 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I seen this one coming a mile away. Like JFK once said " there's always some dumb son of a bitch who just doesn't get the message."

wondering where i am April 27, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Okay, smartypants, maybe he did, but look what happened to him.

widget2011 April 27, 2011 at 11:28 pm

True enough, but at least the B-52's got called back, while one of our spy planes invaded Soviet air space. (SOB who didn't get the message).

That episode in October 1962 (see Dr. Strangelove) could have ended very bad.

yyyaz April 27, 2011 at 6:39 pm

These days though, the number of those sons of bitches is "TOO DAMN HIGH!"

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 9:43 pm

Or as Obama said about the campaign, as quoted in "Game Change:" This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it.

Slim_Pickins April 27, 2011 at 5:21 pm

And just what was Obama doing in Connecticut that required a Social Security Card? Very suspicious!

carlgt1 April 27, 2011 at 5:27 pm

obviously he was being nurtured as a Manchurian Candidate by Joe Lieberman….

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 27, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Pen-gate! Lousy furriner is Nobama's stooge:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2011/apr/

WordSaladNation April 27, 2011 at 5:26 pm

Obama's mom was "Stuttering Stanley" from The Sixth Sense?

OMG, OBAMA IS A DEAD PERSON!

vulpes82 April 27, 2011 at 5:32 pm

If Obama's plan was to expose Donald Trump and the birthers as a bunch of lunatic fringe conspiracy theorists living in their own imaginary world (and, actually, I believe that was his plan), he's succeeded brilliantly! He's still morally weak, of course.

loulouroo April 27, 2011 at 5:33 pm

My, my! I had no idea Wally Cox was still alive! I bet that twitting fool up there is just barely fending off all the poon hounding him.

DarwinianDemon April 27, 2011 at 5:35 pm

When i first heard this I thought "Awww…we should have let them continue to destroy themselves." But then Orly Taites said that it is false because it should say " TEH NEGRO!" not "African" and Trump says it might not be real and the birthers infected LA times blog saying that presidents must have two citizen parents and I breathed a sigh of relief. This is my Royal Wedding. This is my superbowl.

DashboardBuddha April 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Dear Oily Taints, yer a furriner so I'll go easy on you just this once. You see, you don't necessarily get the ss number from the state you were born in. You get the number from the state where you got the number. I was born in NY…but I was raised in FL. Guess what my ss card shows.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

Guess what my ss card shows.

A Madrassa in Indonesia?

Mine shows CA and I was born in … England. Amazing how weird shit like that works.

DashboardBuddha April 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Never been….but good guess.

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 9:40 pm

A series of numbers?

DashboardBuddha April 27, 2011 at 11:22 pm

"We must memorize nine numbers and deny we have a soul"

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 10:04 pm

From wiki-whatever:

"Prior to 1973, cards were issued in local Social Security offices around the country and the Area Number represented the office code in which the card was issued. This did not necessarily have to be in the area where the applicant lived, since a person could apply for their card in any Social Security office." (emphasis added)

Morons.

DashboardBuddha April 27, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Natch…we're talking about Oily.

not that Dewey April 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Facts are stupid things.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Hitler!

DashboardBuddha April 27, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Nein nein! I mean…errr, no.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Kenya?

WinterOuthouse April 27, 2011 at 5:38 pm

It is nice to see these lunatics thumping something other than their Bibles today.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Interesting that the Bible-thumpers never seem to be actual Bible-readers.

The Jesus of the gospels does not, in fact, resemble a cross between Gordon Gecko and Rambo.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I thought you wrote "humping".

Same thing, I suppose.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:00 am

If it's what I think they're thumping, I definitely *don't* want to see it.

V572..whatever April 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Poor Tweetie's on the teevee milking this issue for his last few days. He's got some birthers on there and they're saying, "It's over, I guess," and he screams at them: "What do you mean, YOU GUESS!?!" What's he going to do shows about when this dies down?

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Conspiracy theories are like religions. Or cults. Not only does countervailing evidence fail to convince any of the faithful, no matter how ironclad, but it makes them double down on their beliefs and categorically reject anything that challenges them. Thus, the release of Obama's birth registration (which is clearly what this is- it's the form submitted to the DoH of which birth *certificates* are literally transcripts and certifications) is either a forgery, or actually constitutes IRONCLAD PROOF that he's not American, somehow.

This was entirely to be expected.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

It's called the backfire effect and affects those who self-identify as conservatives more than those who self-identify as liberals.

E.g.

A similar "backfire effect" also influenced conservatives told about Bush administration assertions that tax cuts increase federal revenue. One group was offered a refutation by prominent economists that included current and former Bush administration officials. About 35 percent of conservatives told about the Bush claim believed it; 67 percent of those provided with both assertion and refutation believed that tax cuts increase revenue.

Nyhan and Reifler found this "backfire" effect only among conservatives. Refutations had little effect on liberals, but it didn't cause them to actively believe the misleading information even more strongly.

In other words, you are exactly right, but the problem affects conservatives far more than liberals.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 6:04 pm

You know, it's the damnedest thing. I was a psych undergrad, and focused particularly on cognitive psych, and even took a course that focused specifically on judgement and decision-making heuristics. And yet, I'm pretty sure I've only this particular subject in the context of the durability of beliefs of doomsday cults, even after the passing of the supposed end date. I'm surprised I haven't encountered Nyhan and Reifler's work before now. Edit: actually, their names sound familiar. Maybe I was sleeping in class, that day.

Although, ten seconds of research suggests it's not that liberals don't have the effect at all, it's just significantly less pronounced- they experience *more* rebound of opinion when the facts are debunked, but it's not a complete rebound, either. Convenient lies are always dangerous things.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Yeah, it's not that liberals are impervious to lies, it's just that refutation doesn't reinforce the original belief quite so much. It seems akin to an insidious version of confirmation bias.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:02 am

"Bush administration assertions that tax cuts increase federal revenue."

I remember Reagan saying that increased military spending would decrease the deficit.

102415 April 27, 2011 at 7:35 pm

How come no one ever posts comments like this on Breitbart?

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 9:39 pm

I once heard a guy say, with complete sincerity (and on NPR) that the fact there is no evidence of UFOs at Area 51 proves there were aliens there, because the FBI destroyed the evidence because "they" didn't want "us to know."

So beat that one. No evidence? No problem. It just proves to the nutcases that they're right.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 10:14 pm

Well, meh. Absence of evidence is one thing. The government has managed to keep some very nasty shit under wraps for a very long time- not just Tuskeegee- although that one's certainly notable just for the sheer length of time -40 years- that one was kept a secret. But plenty of other stuff, as well. Honestly, I think some of these things help to explain the popularity of conspiracy theories about things like HIV and crack cocaine- these theories sort of have traction with populations that have actually been victimized by literal government conspiracies. I think a lot of us honestly have lost sense of how good the government is at keeping secrets it wants to keep, and for us, the torture at gitmo was probably the first real wake-up call that government conspiracies to break the law and victimize people still do happen.

But, it really is another thing entirely to be presented with evidence directly contradicting your conspiracy theory and to rationalize and twist it into something that further supports your original fantasy. Absence of evidence may not be evidence of absence, but evidence that proves you wrong really is just that.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:05 am

"No evidence? No problem. It just proves to the nutcases that they're right."

I've had arguments like that. They have two possible outcomes:
1. Me: [ignore]
Annoying person: So, you can't disprove my argument.
2. Me: [counter-argument]
Annoying person: Whoa, looks like I've really gotten to you! Issues much?

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Whatever, this still isn't the Muslim Socialism I voted for.

Djmcs11 April 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Vile and Offensive Breitbart Comments 4/27/11. Extra! Special Edition! Breitbart commenters instantly go Neo-Birther!
http://s1210.photobucket.com/albums/cc407/Djmcs11

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 6:13 pm

Haha. I see someone else beat me to the whole "breitbart, or stormfront" idea.

Seriously, we need to all put our heads together, like the dirty collectivist socialists we are, and make a web game or something.

102415 April 27, 2011 at 7:37 pm

Oh,I spoke too soon. Adorable.

fuflans April 27, 2011 at 5:44 pm

i think this is all to distract us from ben bernanke's news conference.

problemwithcaring April 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

That you, Lou Sarah?

fuflans April 27, 2011 at 7:04 pm

well played!

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:22 pm

W certainly wouldn't have wasted such a news cycle breaker on any old random day.

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 9:33 pm

I wish someone would cover that tonight. Someone on MSNBC because they're the only ones I can stand to watch.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Try Marketplace, maybe? Or I can summarize: Bernanke said some stuff, but no one's sure what because they all dozed off.

mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 5:45 pm

“So according to Bingham, as well, Obama would not be eligible to serve as president,” wrote Klein.

When the facts are on your side, argue the facts. When the law is on your side, argue the law. When neither are on your side, pretend that you can read the mind of one of the two hundred or so long-dead people responsible for passing that law, and argue that his ghost totally says that he meant for the law to mean the exact opposite of what it says.

smitallica April 27, 2011 at 5:47 pm

Gary, deal with it. You lost. This issue is over. Please move on to the next veiled-racist batshit conspiracy nonsense.

Sincerely,
The non-batshit portion of America

WilliamHTaft April 27, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Obama must release an original copy of a picture of his balls.

Limeylizzie April 27, 2011 at 10:15 pm

Yes please.

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 5:53 pm

#notintendedtobeafactualstatement

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 5:55 pm

I can't wait for the rapture and/or for these assclowns to "Go Galt" already. Please, please start denying us your productivity ASAP.

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 5:56 pm

The biggest losers here are Elvis spotters. Birch–I mean, Birthers have abandoned them in droves.

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 5:57 pm

Thanks, though I can't in good conscience claim sole credit for neolojizzin' it.

Assumedly independent of each other, I and another Wonketteer or two served-up "Afterbirther" a couple years ago. Around the same time (or shortly thereafter), the Onion had a story about Afterbirthers that was probably written by young Jack Stuef who read our use of it here in the comments. I have a feeling that you'll be seeing it a whole helluva lot more in the near future.

So, a whole Nobel for me? Don't deserve it.

That said, I'll happily accept the 'e' (and the 'o', too, if someone hot gives it to me.)

Geminisunmars April 27, 2011 at 6:06 pm

You just did it again – with your neologjizzin'!

OneYieldRegular April 27, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Can Arnold Schwarzenegger run for President now? As I recall, a lot of these same people who are twisting themselves in conspiratorial knots over Barack Obama's secret Muslim birth plot were ready to scuttle the whole natural born citizen thing back when Schwarzenegger had just been sworn in as Governor of California – you know, before he wrecked the place.

widget2011 April 27, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Remember the last time an Austrian took over a county he wasn't born in.

Besides for any dumb conspiricy theorists:

Arnold Schwartzenegger
Adolph Schickelgrubber (AKA Adolph Hitler)

Coincedence, I think not!

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 10:21 am

I think Arnold was done for once the wingnuts realized schwartz=black.

hagajim April 27, 2011 at 6:04 pm

AAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dese fuckins guys…..hey Miss Taint….Obama might well have a Connecticut Social Security number (though how the hell would you know his SS number)….being Mr. Obamar's age I remember I didn't get my SS when I was born…I didn't have to get one until I entered the workforce.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Connecticut… where the first shots were fired at Lexington and Concord. My how far we've fallen as a nation.

AJW@[redacted] April 27, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I was looking for some other documents this morning and inadvertently uncovered my own long-form birth certificate (really!). It has my tiny elfen footprints on it. Where are Obamar's footprints? THIS WILL NOT STAND!!1!

proudgrampa April 27, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I knew this was not going to end…

Like I said, the White House is being run by bunch of fucking amateurs…

memzilla April 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I prefer to believe this was exactly what they intended to happen.

Convert the doubting independents, let the wingtards prove their own wingtardiness. Meanwhile, the GOP doesn't know whether to sh** or go blind, because they have to pander to their base but they need independents.

Because the WH knows, as you know, that this isn't about a birth certificate.

proudgrampa April 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

<DIV>I hope that you're right, Mem. I couldn't agree more. This is MUCH more than about a mere birth certificate.</DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>I just hated to see the WH get sucked into this shitstorm.</DIV> <DIV></DIV> <DIV>—

problemwithcaring April 28, 2011 at 10:46 am

The shitstorm consists of being a Black guy and trying to govern a nation of aging, spoiled, entitled, prejudiced white people. He is use to it, gramps.

hagajim April 27, 2011 at 6:20 pm

Good to see that Gary L. Mathis (who looks a little like Harry F'ing Reed) is an expert on the fine lines drawn by pens. I imagine it would take some really serious expertise to spot the rollerball thingy – especially when you didn't even see the ACTUAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!!! Teatards….proving every that America's IQ is circling down the toilet at an ever increasing pace.

LowProfileinGA April 27, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Fake? The Onion??
WTF??

krazyvladimir April 27, 2011 at 6:29 pm

Isn't Hawaii one of those unAmerican states ???? Columbus never discovered it, so it isn't really a part of the U.S.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 6:36 pm

SANDWICH ISLANDS LIBEL

Gold_ManSacks April 27, 2011 at 6:30 pm

NoBama made his money selling white slaves in Afrikkka. It is a true fact, I saw him trying to catch Bear Grylls to make him a field hand for his crack and watermelon plantation in British East Africa.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Upfist for your avatar and personal description. And for the history lesson. Write a book. You could outsell Corsi.

Gold_ManSacks April 27, 2011 at 11:26 pm

You following me? No one follows me! I will follow you, to work, in the morning. See how you like it.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

If we’re following each other, it might be hard to actually get anywhere. I envision a ‘Spy vs. Spy’ scenario.

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm

I'm very sly, I set up decoys.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 27, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Why don't they all just cut to the chase. If he was born in the United States, he would have had his slave owner's name tattooed on the back of his neck.

No tattoo, not an American Citizen.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 6:34 pm

And for some bizarro reason, they decided to shepherd through a black man, because, you know, that was expected to be a cakewalk election even though, in 1961, Jim Crow was still the law. Right.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:43 pm

"You know, this is going to be way too easy."
"Yeah … let's do it with a black guy!"
"Wait – what? You want us to get a black guy elected president in 2008?"
"Yeah. We can do that."
"OK – let's do it!"

emmelemm April 28, 2011 at 3:15 am

"Let's bet one dollar…"

user-of-owls April 27, 2011 at 6:35 pm

Gary L. Mathis is dreamy.

SudsMcKenzie April 27, 2011 at 6:52 pm

He looks like Michael Medved's aborted twin.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

OT:

Medved means "One who knows honey" or "Honey wizard"

That'll haunt your dreams tonight.

SudsMcKenzie April 27, 2011 at 7:03 pm

what does "Fukui" mean?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Fukui-san is the announcer on Iron Chef, the Japanese version. The floor reporter (Ota), calls out to Fukui-san when he has an update on the action.

According to google it means "Lucky" or "Fortunate", which I didn't know.

Limeylizzie April 27, 2011 at 10:17 pm

That is repulsive.

axmxz April 28, 2011 at 12:16 am

Ssssh! you're not supposed to say his name out loud!!

Pithaughn April 27, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Luckily the internet, Google search and Wikipedia are all leftist propaganda tools, other wise these tools would quickly move on to some new conspiracy that is impossible to disprove with 3 hundredths of a second searching the tubes. Why luckily? Comedy I say!

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads.
They just keep on spoutin' notions that sane people
dread–
Nothin' seems to fit!
Those
wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads, they keep fallin'…

So I just did me some arguin' with one.
And I said I didn't like the way they made things
up–
Actin' like nut-jobs!
Those
wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads, they keep fallin'…

"butt theirs 1 thing I no–
The 'proof' they send 2 meat me wont defeet me!!11!!!
i got 5 guns for FEMA win
they cum to git me!!1!!"

Wingnuts keep fallin' on their heads.
But that doesn't mean that all their crazy talk is
dead–
"Facts iz not 4 me!
Cuz
ain't never gonna stop Hussein by concedin'
Don't you see??!?!!?
Kenyan's worryin' me!!!111!!"

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:10 am

That's the first time I've ever liked that song.

user-of-owls April 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm

So, right, owls is roosting in Deutschland at the moment and just took a peep at the national newscast by history's greatest race even as I scanned this and previous stories. Lo and behold, which turd floats to the top of the news toilet? Who else, the Malevolent Hair Weevil and his birding lickspittles. The perfectly Aryan news robot was practically blowing snots of derision out her nose throughout the daily, "Yankee Go Home" segment. And all I could do was silently weep in agreement. I'm not even sure anymore if there's any of 'my country' to want back. Scheisse.

comrad_darkness April 27, 2011 at 7:14 pm

How is Deutschland Deutschland Deutcshland? (can't spell that three times straight.)
I've got a trip there next month. Please tell me it is still sane there. I really need a break.

user-of-owls April 27, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Sane as it ever was, sane as it ever was…

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Brutally efficient as ever, too, huh?

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 9:55 am

Don't knock it until you try it. At least for a month or two. (It does begin to drag, all those on-time trains, and squeaky clean restaurants, and orderly thinking, but for a while it's a relief.)

And white socks with dark suits. That too.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 8:34 pm

Whereabouts? I was in Berlin in November and had a whale of a time.

Limeylizzie April 27, 2011 at 10:17 pm

See if you can find an old SS uniform, then we'll talk.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:15 am

Designed by Hugo Boss, if you can even believe it:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uniforms_and_insigni

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 3:44 am

Why else would I be here, old thing?

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

Uberleutenant Owls..oh be still my beating heart.

memzilla April 27, 2011 at 6:55 pm
mumbly_joe April 27, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Don't feel too bad- the sight of the trolls made my p-ness shrink, too. It'll take weeks before I can get it up again.

Limeylizzie April 28, 2011 at 6:42 am

I sometimes post on Breitbart, so my p ness gets very dry .

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 10:52 am

This looks like a job for…Gay Pressure!

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Uh, Lizzie, that's not really h-

you know what, never mind.

mumbly_joe April 29, 2011 at 1:11 am

You know what my favorite thing about posting over there is? Nobody -not the commenters, not the admins- nobody considers the fact that any of the obviously liberal posters posting obviously innocuous comments might be some sort of liberal topiary or whatever posting with the specific intention of screengrabbing the eliminationist rhetoric that gets spewed by the trolls in response to completely civil conversation and then left unmoderated for half-a-day after said death threats are reported.

If nothing else, you'd think they'd consider the fact that someone might try to O'Keefe them (only, using the actual things they really did say) given how often they've done that to everyone else.

fuflans April 27, 2011 at 7:05 pm

only a small troll slime trail.

MarionNYNY April 27, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I would have expected no less from these brave birthers. We can only admire their courage in standing up to the "fact based" community and "reality."

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 7:34 pm

They are almost as courageous and serious as Paul Ryan with his 'push the olds on to ice floes' plan.

DahBoner April 27, 2011 at 7:17 pm

If Orly Taitz was born in Hawaii, the race would be listed as "Lolo", which means "stupid" in Hawaian…

UW8316154 April 27, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Nobama released the wrong form! The birthers were asking for the BIRD certificate! No wonder this didn't settle anything.

mrblifil April 27, 2011 at 7:51 pm

I'm still waiting for his Isle of Firth certificate.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 7:27 pm

And all the times they asked for Reagan's and Bush's college papers and transcripts…

We didn't even find out Laura Bush had killed a kid in a teenage accident until halfway through Bush's second term. Yet we heard over and over again about Michelle's 'whitey' tape – you know, the one that didn't exist.

If Michelle had killed a kid as a teenager? I'm sure the Repubs would have taken the high road. BWA HA HA HA <choke>.

Chet Kincaid April 27, 2011 at 7:27 pm

That was iPod Touches they used in the Federation.

102415 April 27, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Wasn't Lou Sarah actually born in Canada when her parents were sneaking over the border all the time?

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Or Russia!
You know how she said she can see Russia from her house?
Maybe she's a secret Russian-pinko-commie!

102415 April 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm

It's entirely possible she was born in France.

One_Man_Band April 27, 2011 at 7:30 pm

According to a recent study, people who believe in conspiracy theories do so because they would be more likely to engage in such conspiracies themselves. So birthers believe Obama is a secret Kenyan commie muslin because THEY SECRETLY ARE THEMSELVES!
http://www.miller-mccune.com/culture-society/beli

Mort_Sinclair April 27, 2011 at 7:31 pm

That Gary Mathis thing, according to his Twitter bio, is a "conservative, gun owning [sic] scientist with a PhD in Physics." You just know that guy spends most of his day with his hand in his pants testing the five basic types of friction: dry friction, fluid friction, lubricated friction, skin friction, and internal friction. (HT Wikipedia) He's a scientist.

Nopantsmcgee April 27, 2011 at 7:38 pm

The problem here is most cornsyrup-fed Real Americans don't consider Hawaii anymore American than Kenya or Indonesia.

4TheTurnstiles April 27, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Shit dude, the guy's a nigra you know. Not that there's anything wrong with that, some of my best friends are colored, &c. But still. Just sayin'. One of *them*.

El Pinche April 28, 2011 at 8:50 am

I love the Blacks!

keepem_sikanpor April 27, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Ha! US America should start charging other countries for the priviledge of watching our shenanigans. Pay per view. That would clear the debt in a matter of days.
These pig fuckers can fuck off and die. I'm tired of it.

genxr April 27, 2011 at 7:43 pm

Like mathis12 says, most of our problems as a nation can be solved by playing Rollerball, with limited substitutions, no time limit, and no penalties.

One question remains unanswered. What happened to mathis numbers 1 through 11?

102415 April 27, 2011 at 7:44 pm

I'm bored.
Lou Sarah was born in communist Canada. Her parents were always sneaking back and forth stealing the free health care.

mrblifil April 27, 2011 at 7:48 pm

Lucy always moves the football too. Also.

Nopantsmcgee April 27, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Tweety is gonna slug this Teaparty dude he's arguing with. This is a fine, fine day.

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I missed that, as well. At least I got to see Orly and Lawrence.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I guess this means the whole, "We're putting this to rest so we can all focus on more important things," didn't really pan out, then.

RadioJack April 27, 2011 at 8:06 pm

It doesn't matter you libtards. According to Innanity, this president is weak and timid and "in over his head." Rinse, lather, repeat.

natoslug April 27, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Morally weak. Physically, he's George Mutherfuckin' Washington.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:27 pm

He saved children, but not the birther children…

UW8316154 April 27, 2011 at 8:06 pm

I'm holding judgment until I hear what Lou Sarah thinks.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I hope you have lots of patience, because waiting for Lou Sarah to think?

Extemporanus April 27, 2011 at 8:19 pm

JACK STUFE WERE IS TEH LONGFORM HEADLINE CERTIFICATE??!

I DEMAND TOO SEE "EVERYTHING"!!1

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 10:20 pm

I DEMAND TOO SEE "EVERYTHING"!!1

As the Breitbart said to the Waggaman.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I demand to see everything twice!

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 11:58 pm

Just as long as you don't have flies in your eyes.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 12:05 am

I kind of wish Mr. Heller were around to see this circus. Mssrs. Vonnegut and Carlin, too.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 12:37 am

I dunno, I read Something Happened and Closing Time and thought he never reached the heights of 22. Closing time was interesting but I found it a bit laboured.

Having said that, I'd love to know what Vonnegut would make of this entire clusterfuck.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 12:09 am

Tits or GTFO.

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:17 am

(_*_) (_*_)

Extemporanusbirther April 28, 2011 at 1:41 am

Jesus fuck, you guys…

Jack literally misspelled "everything" in the goddamn headline, and no one fucking cares!

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 1:46 am

Shit, now I feel dumber than usual.

Extemporanusbirther April 28, 2011 at 1:58 am

That'll teach you to let yourself be distracted by Helen Keller's 22 tits, or whatever weird shit it was you retards were babbling about.

Speaking of which, be a peach and have Negropolis pass the Aunt Jemima down Tessiee's way, will ya? Thanks…

Lost_Teabaggers April 27, 2011 at 8:27 pm

we should come up with a new philosophical principle for birthers, ya know…make 'em feel like edumacated, intellectual racists. I was thinking, in the vein of Godwins Law we could come up with Nathan Bedford Forrest's principle: Whenever your thinly veiled racist smear against a person of color is debunked, you claim the evidence, no matter how incontrivertable is in fact, fraudulent.

What do you guys think? With this principle in hand and the amount of promising candidates of darker than white skin color in the D's (like Corey Booker, I'd say Grijalva because he's awesome but he's only slightly younger than a GOP young gun is) birthers could be in business in different forms for decades.

Lost_Teabaggers April 27, 2011 at 8:29 pm

Sorry, had to split this in two (the same apology I'd offer Megs for popping her rather effusive rack out of the wonderbra), ahem:

Yes, you heard me…12 years from now, when we're all still unemployed (because Randites in the House GOP plunged the world into a great depression to impose feudalism, their endgame) and are now consuming that nice young family up the street for sustenance we can all gather on our never aging whore of a site Wonkette and laugh at ancient Joe Farah and Jerome Corsi calling our next black president a negroid and proving he's/she's conclusively not white (which will trigger new teabaggers, because they totally aren't this angry over his/her race).

trampndirtdown April 27, 2011 at 11:20 pm

The only wonder about Meg's bra is how it can contain those monsters.

widget2011 April 28, 2011 at 12:17 am

Remember what the first revolution was about (taxation without representation)? I think we are almost there. Basically, over the last 30 years a MASSIVE amount of wealth in the United States has been transfered from the middle and lower classes to the richest 1% of Americans. And now the SOB's have jacked up gas prices to $4.00+ a gallon, which drives up the prices ao all commodities. Meanwhile back, Douchenozzel Ryan wants to eliminate any social programs that are for "We the People".
This shit has to end!

weejee April 27, 2011 at 8:38 pm

Well this day's wingnutted drivel and Trump-eting have tipped Superman over the edge. He is going to the UN and renounce his American citizenship. If Superman ain't an alien who is? We should demand to see his, or Clark Kent's, long form birth certificate.

RadioAfterbirther April 27, 2011 at 8:55 pm

con voce padre italiano…you wanna be Superman, go jump out the window!

emmelemm April 27, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Well, shit, now it's serious! Even Superman hates us.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:55 pm

Reminds me of this

4TheTurnstiles April 27, 2011 at 8:39 pm

My new book:

That's Egg on the Face of Jerome Corsi, a Revolting Liar & Incompetent Shit-for-Brains

axmxz April 28, 2011 at 12:17 am

My new book:

That ain't no Egg on the Face of Jerome Corsi or The Consequences of Excessive Teabagging

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Which is especially impressive since he did it while rollerblading. At least, I think that was the new claim.

ShaveTheWhales April 27, 2011 at 9:54 pm

And BTW, rollerblades weren't invented until sometime.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 10:08 pm

Open and shut case.

Also the race should say "Mille Miglia" just because I like it.

keepem_sikanpor April 27, 2011 at 8:49 pm

What a bunch of retards.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Sadly, I didn't coin the phrase. But I use it as often as appropriate. Or maybe a little more than that.

waitforsugar April 27, 2011 at 8:53 pm

God I love the birthers. I spent the afternoon drinking margaritas and shopping for trashy lingerie when I should have been studying for my finals. I was feeling guilty and then I saw what these fucking fuckwits have been up to. There are much worse things in this world than being a tipsy, mildly trampy procrastinator. I feel downright productive now.

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 8:54 pm

So . . . I have a Social Security number from Oklahoma? Odd. I've worked in other states and they accepted it for my employment. How did I get away with that?

PS Lawrence O'Donnell is using Orly as a punching bag, just as she desires. A long form birth certificate AND her wish to be punched around. This is a red letter day!

Fuck. If I knew this was going to happen, we could have asked for a wonkette liveblog.That would've been fun, huh? (I have a floater thingy in my eyes and got a major check up on my shitty retinas and I'm still seeing everything hazy. So, ugh, forgive the typos. I just hope this looks like English.)

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 8:55 pm

Orly Taitz is one The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell, right now, which he billed as a rewrite for her to apologize, and he's just tearing her totally apart. I had to switch. It's just so ugly. He knew damned well he did that segment just to yell at her…and I don't have any problem with that. lol

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 8:57 pm

We were watching the same show. I get the idea he just wanted to get that off his chest. I know I enjoyed it.

Djmcs11 April 27, 2011 at 8:57 pm

LOL! Amazon, frequently bought together. Breitbart's "Righteous Indignation" and Corsi's, "Where's the Birth Certificate?"

El Pinche April 28, 2011 at 8:54 am

and "Everyone Poops"

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:14 pm

It's Wednesday night, and STILL no scandalous, torrid, Republican-shaming DC cocktail party video?!? This is torment.

gullywompr April 27, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Wha? I thought it was Billy in the Lowground….

If you get that, you're a hillbilly.

HelioC April 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Unreal. Birthers will probably be pissed off that Obama destroyed their little cottage industry…
http://t.co/OR80SDd

rocktonsam April 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Ya this will shut em up…

If Barry was going to announce this he shoulda did it on a day he was invading a country or something

gullywompr April 27, 2011 at 9:31 pm

He's right.

laurenp619 April 27, 2011 at 9:36 pm

Stop debating it. This complete nobody's husband has figured it all out.

See!

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm

On a serious note, "Dreams From My Father" is so personal and revealing and so unlike an autobiography that anyone with political ambition would have written, that all one has to do is read the book to know more about Barack Obama than we've known about anyone who has run for president, let alone served in the office.

What idiots. BTW, Barry, pull your head out of your ass and take a strong stand against the Draconian "deficit reducing" shit the Republithugs are trying to force on us. Nothing you do is going to make them like you or make things easier on you. They're closer to the Birthers' philosophy than they are to yours. You're on the people's side on this one. Accept it.

imissopus April 27, 2011 at 10:13 pm

This guy has a terrific response to Trump: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX5ueEKsSWc

mrblifil April 27, 2011 at 10:18 pm

That was cool. Hope that gets seen more broadly, he cuts through quite a lot of static.

DustBowlBlues April 27, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Well, shit. I keep looking for something about that Y person or person who said our military strategy is stupid but I can't find it. That's what I get for watching "The Fighter" instead of watching the news.

gullywompr April 27, 2011 at 10:32 pm

You know who else doesn't use the word "African"? This guy.

BarackMyWorld April 27, 2011 at 10:50 pm

Remember the reason we were given why Obama didn't release this version of his birth certificate before now? Because even that probably wouldn't be good enough for them. And everyone kept saying, "No, release it anyways!" And, HEY GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!

ttommyunger April 27, 2011 at 10:58 pm

"Now the game begins,” said Corsi…. Yup, if your game is: "Who can out-stupid Who?"

Fukui_sanYesOta April 27, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Jerome Corsi is currently rewriting chapters two through seven to cover the "Obama Pirate Child" question.

Apparently he's found other members of the Obama "Pirate Boat" Crew, the "Pirate Boat Veterans for Truth", if you will. Allegedly, "Pirate Obama's" winning the "Dove Chocolate Prize for Swordsmanship" was a shoo-in despite Obama not even eviscerating one single innocent crewmember of booty ships, let alone his lackluster performance in seamanship. His folded paper boat even sank after being splashed by "Black Jack McDonald", who, ironically, wasn't even black. Or Muslim.

No, Jerome Corsi's blockbuster will lift the lid on Obama's swashbuckling claims and cause a constitutional crisis.

Source: World Net Daily

ttommyunger April 28, 2011 at 7:01 am

Where there's a will, there's a way, even it it's waaaay off course!

seppdecker April 27, 2011 at 11:08 pm

I can't wait 'til it comes out that Obama is the Highlander.

BarackMyWorld April 27, 2011 at 11:25 pm

That'd sure explain the lightening striking the White House the other night.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:15 pm

"Surely you remember all the times people have demanded to see George Bush's or Ronald Reagan's Birth Certificates. And where they black? No."

Good point, but not the whole story.
Bill Clinton was white, and they were up his ass from the moment he took the oath of office. There must be *something else* that gets these idiots frothing at the mouth.
But whatever could it be?

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

Not being an asshole?

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 11:31 pm

So, what's going to become of what I call the 25 Percenters? Now, that they've been revealed as the racists that they are, where else is there for them to go? Are they going to keep pretending they aren't bigots, or will they blatantly try and mainstream their klannish tendencies?

Honestly, I don't get where they can go from here. At the moment, they are trying to continue the charade as a liar is wont to do in the immediate aftermath of being caught. But, where will they go, tomorrow?

I hope they are happy that they embarrassed this nation the way they did, and the shame they brought upon us. More to the point, I'm feeling a bit vengeful. In a perfect world, all of the leaders of this movement would be outed for every scandalous thing they've ever done in their lives to help pay for the damage they've caused. I want to see the dirt.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 12:08 am

As Extempo said, they're now Afterbirthers.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 12:14 am

But, what does that even mean for them? Are we supposed to bury them beneath the Tree of Liberty or some shit?

RadioAfterbirther April 28, 2011 at 12:32 am

…they embarrassed this nation…

That same 25% is incapable of shame or remorse. They will break this tragedy down to the epistemologic core. If you were to go over to Dimfart, there are fucknuts over there who say, "I wasn't a Birther before, but now…" Somehow, someway, these intractable people are able to reproduce and carry along the amygdala deficiency or whatever. We have to be able to carry everyone else.
Tax cuts actually raise revenues, there were WMD's, free market/unfettered capitalism, Ine Rand, Föx is news, fear is good, etc. blah blah blah. Their propaganda machine will churn incessantly. But, somehow, slowly, the populace believes the world is round, or germs cause disease, or wear your seatbelt.
Two steps forward, 1.9999 back.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:41 pm

I almost want them to just come out and say that — not because I particularly like racism — I just wish someone would call them on their bullshit and *freaking get it over with*.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm

"Curious Americans"

In the same sense that a herd of cows is curious when they wander over to a different spot in the meadow and stare vacantly, if innocently, around while chewing their cuds?

Nah, these are "curious" Americans if curious means "hateful, ignorant, stupid, racist" Americans.

lulzmonger April 27, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Shorter Birthtards: "Hey, the view from up our own asses is AWESOME! Come on in, America – after bending over for our Gooper crypto-corporatist pimps all these years, there's room enough in here for EVERYBODY!"

SorosBot April 27, 2011 at 11:46 pm

So I get back from a night out at the bar and – 525 comments. And no notable trolling and responses yet. We people talk (well, type) too much.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:57 pm

That's because we are all so fabulously interesting and entertaining and witty. And frustrated because we're, you know, uh, smart. Good night, all.

Doktor Zoom April 27, 2011 at 11:57 pm

Oh, hey, kids–I knew I could count on The Onion to encapsulate the day's news.

undeterredbyreality April 27, 2011 at 11:59 pm

In other news, Pope provides baptismal certificate, Baptisters claim the water was not holy. Bear provides shit from woods, water-closeters insist upon anal analysis, look for scratches on ass from twigs.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 12:39 am

I dunno about that, but I'd pay serious money to watch Buzz Aldrin deck Donald Trump.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 12:06 am

"presidenting while black."

WIN

OldRedneck April 28, 2011 at 12:19 am

I've heard that Sarah Palin has turned Obama's birth certificate over to Trig to be validated — she figures he's smarter than all the birthers combined.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 12:37 am

Surely, this is a forgery. Where is Jesus' signature?

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 12:40 am

Stupid country is stupid.

mumbly_joe April 28, 2011 at 12:49 am

Either that, or he really did take all the good ones, and this is what's left.

BZ1 April 28, 2011 at 1:11 am

"I know there will be a segment of people for whom this issue will not be put to rest." Amen, not in a gazillion years…

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:20 am

That segment needs to be put to rest.

BZ1 April 28, 2011 at 1:12 am

BTW, Gary L. Mathis has a PHD in physics, breaking news: Pigs can fly…

BarackMyWorld April 28, 2011 at 1:30 am

Right now I'm wishing I had a long-form birth certificate that said I was born in Canada.

I don't know how much more of this stupidity I can take.

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 10:09 am

You need to pay waaaay more attention to Canadian politics.

Left_Leftie April 28, 2011 at 2:57 am

Am I the only one who noticed Obama ironed out this little administrative issue on Administrative Professorial Day? I wonder what he's got up his sleeve for Bosses Day?

genxr April 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Tax cuts for Wall Street?

MadBrahms April 28, 2011 at 3:57 am

To add to my earlier comment:
In British Kenya, the term African *was* a racial categorization, regardless of what term Americans may have used. Indeed, the 1962 Kenya Population Census contained an entire volume labelled "African population" (this is clearly a colonial category, as Kenya didn't gain independence until one year later, in 1963).

Or see also the OED, 2nd edition (before it was revised to be more politically sensitive)
Negro, I 1. "An individual (esp. a male) belonging to the *African race* of mankind, which is distinguished by a black skin, black tightly-curled hair, and a nose flatter and lips thicker and more protruding than is common amongst white Europeans." (emphasis added)

There are two plausible possibilities here: one, that the attending physician used Mr. Obama's self-reported race (he may well have said "African", knowing that category best), or two, that the hospital staff relied on Barack Sr's colonial-era British birth certificate, which would likely have read "African", and used it to fill in the form.

Open. Shut. Who says academics are useless?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 4:31 am

Once again proving that facts have a liberal bias.

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

And that wingtards have an anti-factual bias. And "nanner nanner nanner, you're a big stinky-poo and I don't believe you." Also.

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 4:38 am

Who says academics are useless?

Pretty much every last one of the Republican elite and their base.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 6:46 am

Well, as if it'd really matter if his father had even self-described as a Martian. He could have been born on the moon, because his mother was an American. I'm not even sure what him having an "African" father on the birth certificate is supposed to mean; that it's not a legitimate certificate? There's all kinds of crazy/unusual shit on birth certificates.

MadBrahms April 28, 2011 at 6:58 am

The first point is,of course, totally true. But the second is apparently outside the realm of possibility for wingnut types, who seem to paradoxically believe that the government is an efficient and error free bureaucracy and that the government is bloated and incompetent.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

That is well-reasoned and grounded in historical fact.

Your argument doesn't stand a chance.

widget2011 April 28, 2011 at 6:01 am

So just who is driving up the price of gasoline & all other commodities, pray tell?

If you own a car that cost $500,000, does the price of gas matter that much? (Think Koch's).

New car, caviar, four star day-dream,
think I'll buy a foot-ball team.

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:46 am

Stupid-as-a-Stone, I presume.

Camaro Nova April 28, 2011 at 8:16 am

Has anyone noticed the birthers and other tards from Breitbart have enormous p-ness? Like 600, 800, etc? Do they just sit around upfisting each other all day?

comrad_darkness April 28, 2011 at 10:04 am

Gross.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 10:54 am

Clearly their program of downfisting us is working. They are slowly driving us insane, causing us to lose our will to live, and undermining our precious bodily fluids.

GOPCrusher April 28, 2011 at 12:22 pm

BRAIN BLEACH!!!

MarionNYNY April 28, 2011 at 8:37 am

I'm an old and started elementary school in the late sixties. I still remember how we used quills. Then there was the arrival of the fountain pen, sometime in the 1970's. They were banned from schools for a while. Fear of ink spills or that they were too easy to use and would result in kids passing more notes to each other. Finally, the ball point pen was rolled out. Must have been 1982 or so. At first they were prohibitively expensive, a real status symbol. It wasn't till after Reagan that they became commonplace.

Serolf_Divad April 28, 2011 at 8:42 am

Well, it was Duhem-Quine on the movie posters. Originally Duhem was going to be above Quine, but Quine's agent protested and 10,000 posters were landfilled (they had already been printed, featuring, oddly enough, Carrie Fisher ina string bikini). On opening day almost all theatres displayed the re-vamped poster (with the names on the same line and the now famous picture of James Earl Jones in a string bikini) but a few thatres in the Midwest were said to have recieved (and displayed) the old poster. Some insiders have suggetsed that this was deliberate, as Pierre Duhem was more popular in Midwestern states than V.O. Quine (who appeals, let's be honest now, more to a New York audience).

James Michael Curley April 28, 2011 at 9:46 am

Isn't this the movie where Nicolas Gage discovers Einstien's Lost Notebook, solves the EPR Paradox and changes into Samuel L Jackson?

tcaalaw April 28, 2011 at 9:54 am

Is there any truth to the rumor that it was originally going to be titled, Revenge of the Logician before the director changed his mind and said that logicians aren't about revenge?

bflrtsplk April 28, 2011 at 8:49 am

Dr. Sinclair died at 81 in 2003. If you multiply 2003 by 81, then divide by the number of days in Ramadan, factoring in the angle of the sun relative to earth on Armistice Day in 1918, you come to the inescapable conclusion Obama was born in Africa with a Connecticut Social Security number while holding the pen used to sign his Certificate of Birth, which we all know is not a legal document. Elvis told me so last night when he dropped by for shits and giggles.

anniegetyerfun April 28, 2011 at 9:07 am

I wish I could cut and paste the entire fight that I had over Facebook with some birthers here – was it important or useful? No. But it illustrated a very interesting point: even if you actually bust open the motherfucking US Code and go through line by line with a birther and show how NOTHING THAT THEY SAY ABOUT IT IS TRUE, they will say, "Well, I think I am right. Also, the birth certificate appears to be a forgery. Jerome Corsi's book will be the last word on the subject."

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:13 am

Finally, proof that he's a Kenyan commie: it says right on the form that dad's an African and mom– my god! She's a Russian!!! (the Caucasus were a part of Russia back then, anyway). Why hasn't this been reported?????

prommie April 28, 2011 at 9:23 am

Obama turned me into a newt.

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:28 am

Does he weigh the same as a duck?.

genxr April 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm

We can't afford to take that chance. Burn 'im!

tessiee April 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Did you get better?

James Michael Curley April 28, 2011 at 9:37 am

Oily Taints is an idiot. The "state" identifyer on social security cards is neither official nor consistent. It is a coincidence that some people who APPLIED for their social security card in the same state have an identical two digit single number because the feds gave lists of numbers to each office. Seems a few years into the creation of the social security system it dawned on somebody that having each office create its own list of numbers would cause a problem. That idea, however, has not occurred to Oily Taints.

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

I suspect that the ideas that do occur to the oily taint have little connection to reason or logic.

undeterredbyreality April 28, 2011 at 9:53 am

Thank god for wikipedia.

Andrew Drinker April 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

Remember yesterday when I said that we should feel completely justified now in saying that birthers are racist pigfuck scum?

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 10:31 am

OK! OK… can we please get rid of Gary L. Mathis?

Fuckin' guy is freaking me out man! Probably kills rent bois with roller ball pens…

notreelyhelping April 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

Uh…no!

notreelyhelping April 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

A sign it's really over: Glenn Beck wonders if Birthers aren't secret Obama supporters. Whew. Think you won this round, Barry.

DaRooster April 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

The "clear" or the "cream".

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 4:36 pm

The metaphorical.

Beetagger April 28, 2011 at 9:37 pm

The birth certificate appears to be a PDF file. They didn't have PDF files in 1961!!!! Don't you get it, sheeple?

Barb April 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm

I love your posts and always squeal like a girl when I see you have something for us.

meufchelou April 27, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Jeez, man, way to be insensitive. I"ll never make 100.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 8:23 pm

C) Immediately destructive to the Birther movement, but ultimately, something else will take the place of it, which will similarly be discredited, followed by another "development" which will lead into the election.

Not necessarily effective, but these asshats will continue this bullshit in an attempt to distract Bammerz, thinking that if they can't lynch him, they'll at least run him out of town.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:33 pm

I would be more confident if my faith in the intelligence and basic decency of the electorate was not eroding so rapidly.

Re: they can't lynch him. Yeah, but if they can keep the apocalyptic frenzy going long enough, they might get a Jared Loughner type to do what Jared Loughner types do. And I firmly believe that is their conscious intent.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 8:41 pm

I don't know about "conscious intent", but I'm sure there would be no outrage. Hell, they'd probably say it was "gang related" and cackle wildly.

Frankly, I still have moments where its so surreal that I'm able to laugh about it, but lately it just seems to be more depressing and maddening.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Of course, it would be his Kenyan/Indonesian/Chicago organized crime connections catching up with him.

Argghh.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Ahh, you do speak Teabagger. You'll come in handy during the Great War is Near.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:04 pm

These theocratic, racist, women haters actually want a war? I'll be more than handy, trust me.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 9:16 pm

And I guarantee our uniforms are gonna be SOOOO much better.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm

That deserves multi-upfists. There should be an option for a mega-upfists. Stupid intense debate.

Also, you'll note my skyrocketing p-ness has stalled. I've spent the day hovering between 92 and 91. Some rat bastard keeps downfisting me. Oh, well, back to the pumps and lotions. And pills.

Janinthepan April 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm

Jeez you two, get a room already ;)

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I still say its glorious.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 9:33 pm

You get more fists if you do it with a crowd.

Wait, what are we talking about?

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Care to join us? There will frosty mugs of snark. And bowls of crispy barely suppressed rage.

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm

mmmmm rage..

Janinthepan April 27, 2011 at 9:42 pm

Why I'd love to! Mmmm I love a good stout snark.

RavenRant April 27, 2011 at 9:44 pm

I'm out for the night. I have to go acquire food and alcohol posthaste.

mmmm alcohol!

Goodnight James n Jan!

CalamityJames April 27, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Ha, I read that as "alcohol toothpaste."

Ok, but At dusk, we war.

Uh, better make it afternoonish, I still have some 4/20 to celebrate…er, I mean NEVAR FERGET!

Lascauxcaveman April 27, 2011 at 10:22 pm

And more practical (especially to an 8-year-old).

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Be sure to say it in Latin.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:10 pm

And there were chocolate Santas, but no chocolate Jeebuses, therefore Santa was clearly superior.

ChessieNefercat April 27, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Oh, yes! Good point! Ouch! Might explain a lot about the birthers, however. Not that we really want to know.

horsedreamer_1 April 27, 2011 at 11:38 pm

It seems…

Aloha also means…

[takes off glasses]

"Nice try".

[WHO plays]

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Does it have a copy of the Becktionary?

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 12:42 am

I hope you're staying safe Barb, and all of the rest of our southern friends. Alabama looked pretty fucked up on the weather channel.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 1:27 am

Hi-ho.

trampndirtdown April 28, 2011 at 1:44 am

Heller's God Knows is pretty good, no 22 but still worth reading.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 1:38 am

So it goes.

Doktor Zoom April 28, 2011 at 1:49 am

“When I read something saying I've not done anything as good as "Catch-22" I'm tempted to reply, "Who has?"

–J. Heller

Fukui_sanYesOta April 28, 2011 at 1:54 am

My pseudointellectual literary asshat-balloon just deflated.

He's not wrong.

Barb April 28, 2011 at 8:46 am

Yeah, my good friend e-mailed me last night and told me about Bama. I emailed Nancy and I await her response. Thanks for your concern.
I don't watch the weather forecast much here in new Mexico. Mostly, it's hot and dry desert stuff.

riverside68 April 28, 2011 at 8:52 am

A kinky one?

Chet Kincaid April 28, 2011 at 9:35 am

"Chocolate Santa" was Isaac Hayes' quite-modestly-selling holiday album in '73.

ALIVE! April 28, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Yours is iconic. I just see the colors and know who's commenting.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 4:35 pm

They should have billed it as a documentary. We were supposed to have generations before it got this bad.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

So now I’m going to see gilded trucknuts wherever I turn? Disturbing.

Gold_ManSacks April 28, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Those aren't gilded they're solid fucking gold.

RavenRant April 28, 2011 at 7:46 pm

All your decoys are solid gold. You must be so rich. Follow me anytime. (flutters eyelashes)

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