the real delta force

Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns

The best pastors are the kind who lie for a living.Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris’ most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators’ website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn’t even write these columns, from what we’ve found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as “Chuck Norris’ pastor.”

An anonymous tipster originally pointed us to DuBord yesterday, and it makes sense, because the man is listed as a “co-author” on Norris’ recent books, and because if Norris tried to type himself, the keyboard would explode from the sheer force.

What does this “pastor” do for a living? Here’s his website:

Over the past five years, Chaplain Todd has gained national recognition in his work to restore Christian revisionism and reductionism from American historic sites and landmarks. He has successfully led restorations of our Christian heritage at the Jamestown Settlement (first English colony in America) and the Washington Monument (discoveries that were broadcasted LIVE on FOX News and other news agencies across the country

Aha! Remember this Chuck column, in which “Norris” presents a first-person account by “my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations Todd DuBord”? That makes sense now! Chuck Norris doesn’t hate national parks. His “pastor” does, and he wanted to tell the readers of the Norris column what happened to him at the Liberty Bell. If you look back at that column now, these lines are pretty hilarious:

Recently, my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations, Todd DuBord, was on a tour of Independence Hall

And:

last week my chaplain received an unfortunate response letter about their grievous tour from Mrs. Cynthia MacLeod, the superintendent of the Independence National Historical Park

And

(You can read Superintendent MacLeod’s letter in entirety at my chaplain’s websiteNationalTreasures.org.)

My chaplain, my chaplain, my chaplain.

Though DuBord makes it sound on his website like he still serves as an actual pastor, at the Lake Almanor Community Church, we called the church, and they confirmed he left a few years ago to go into business with Chuck Norris. These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with the actor so they can pretend to be real troops.

And for more evidence that DuBord writes these things, we used an e-mail form on Creators Syndicate’s Norris page under the link “Write the author.” Immediately after sending a message, we received this out-of-office auto-reply from Todd DuBord’s personal e-mail account:

Greetings! I’ll be on a multi-month special work project and offline for days at a time, so will be VERY slow at responding to email. I appreciate your patience and understanding.

It sounds like it’s very hard work plagiarizing a weekly conservative column under the assumed name of a B-movie action star! Certainly Jesus understands why his dutiful pastor has to plagiarize all the time. Men of the cloth got to make bank! Lying, stealing, and pretending you’re somebody else is a very godly way to make your living.

Apparently Norris has always used a ghostwriter. A man identifying himself as a friend of the deceased writer Joe Hymans, who is also listed as a co-author of past Norris books, wrote to us to say his late pal used to do all of Norris’ writing.

So, yes, apparently Chuck Norris is not capable of writing anything, even plagiarized columns.

A fine tragedy.

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • BaldarTFlagass

    I thought Mike Huckabee was Chuck Norris' pastor.

    • Oblios_Cap

      The Gay Pressure forced Norris to switch to DuBored.

    • kissawookiee

      Nah, he's Chuck Norris' personal human margarine farm.

    • WunkRocker

      But who is their Co-Pilot? Who cares? He's like 30 yrs older than me. How about this? I beat him to death so we never have to fucking here about how superhuman this bullshit motherfucker is? Also. Buttseckts with his corpse. On youtube.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    "The best pastors are the kind that lie for a living." Don't they all?

  • harry_palmer

    This is not even close to the biggest falsehoods the preacher tells.

  • pinkocommi

    Even Chuck Norris' abs are airbrushed on, I bet.

    • genxr

      He should get in touch with the guy who does Trump's wood paneling.

      • anniegetyerfun

        The two of them should have babies.

  • GuanoFaucet

    You can read Superintendent MacLeod’s letter in entirety at my chaplain’s website NationalTreasures.org

    And Nicholas Cage writes all of the pastor's columns.

  • aguacatero

    Is this some kind of effort to make Donald Trump look relatively smart and upright?

    Cause it's working.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      No it isn't!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I was gonna bitch and complain about the near-three-hour drought of new posts, but I can see now that you've been sleuthin'.

  • baconzgood

    I thought Chuck belonged to the Church of the Immaculate Throat Kick.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Actually, it's the Church of Bruce Lee Did It Better But I'm White, So…WINNING!

  • MinAgain

    Chuck Norris doesn't use a ghost writer. Because even ghosts are afraid of Chuck Norris.

    • MinAgain

      Chuck Norris doesn't deserve to be downfisted. Because only Chuck Norris is allowed to bring down the fist.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    "Creators Syndicate" is Latin for plagiarism.

    See, Jack? No story here. Move on, and such as!

    P.S. Does downfist trool love Chuck Norris just as much as he loves Sarah Palin? Signs point to yes!
    ~

  • Ruhe

    Christian revisionism? As opposed to what other form of Christianity, may I ask?

    • Gopherit

      Obviously Christianity Classic is wrong. it makes jesus look like a socialist pussy. We need to Norris up that Jesus guy.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Chuck Norris doesn't have a pastor. When he wants to hear the word of Jesus, he just meets Him for lunch in heaven.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Chuck Norris dictates policy to Jeebus.

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      And they eat Hot Wings! ATOMIC HOT WINGS, I TELL YOU!

  • __kth__

    Funny, that's exactly the excuse I used in freshman comp: I paid the guy whose work I put my name on, and he knows about it and doesn't have a problem with it. Still got expelled for some reason.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    One evening on USO Tour in Iraq:

    Radio Speaker: Oooh!! Ahhh!! Ohhh!!! Oh yesss!!!
    Pastor DuBord: Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.
    Chuck Norris: Who?
    Pastor DuBord: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.

    Meh, maybe too obscure.

    • baconzgood

      I got it Trapper.

    • nounverb911

      Needs more Bob Hope.

    • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

      "Here Blanche, hold this wire…feel anything?"
      "No."
      "Oh great. The battery must be dead."

    • GOPCrusher

      Can we really ever have enough M*A*S*H references?

  • edgydrifter

    Does Chuck use ghostactors, too? I've seen Delta Force. That shit's even worse than his "writing."

    • SorosBot

      Chuck was a perfectly adequate stunt man who somehow convinced himself, along with Z-list filmmakers Golan-Globus Productions, that he could act.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The fact Chuck does not write might explain why he picked such awful movie scripts.

    Invasion USA, seriously?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Based upon that movie alone, it's probably safe to bet that he does not know how to read, either.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Now now, who needs to read dialogue when all you really need is some fine stage direction, to wit:

        NORRIS round-house kicks his opponent in the groin, then finishes him off with two quick plies, a bourree, and a grand jete accompanied by a guttural howl of triumph.

      • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

        Is our Walkers learning?

    • CapeClod

      He just wanted to see if he could make a movie even less plausable than "Red Dawn."

      • GOPCrusher

        Why do you hate Patrick Swayze?

        • CapeClod

          I don't. He help to rid Colorado of its Cuban occupiers.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Why is he feeling up that other dude? Is there something you want to tell us, Chuck?

    What's up Chuck?

    • mog253

      He really hates to be called upchuck.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Reductionist? Like, "I reduce people's intellect" or does he boil off half the liquid before introducing the roux?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Is that like rendering? There's a rendering plant over south of downtown, and man does it smell gross.

  • harry_palmer

    Fisty is actively pro-lying preacher menz. Probably tithes his disability check.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    What does this "pastor" have to say about the birth certificate?

    • Redhead

      Wait, has anyone seen Chuck Norris' birth certificate? What about the pastor's? I bet they're a bunch of commie facist socialist Nazis!

    • flamingpdog

      Long form or short form? I doubt he has the attention span to read the long form.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Actually, "Pastor Todd DuBord" is just a second personality Chuck developed to act out his fantasy of being a boring nebbishy nobody with a thankless, insignificant job. You know, like Fight Club, only upside down.

    • freakishlywrong

      "First rule of being DeBeard, don't talk about being DeBeard."

  • Sue4466

    Why did Fred Savage's dad let that little kid fall? Was Jesus supposed to catch him?

    • mog253

      Nah, just good clean fun.

  • Poindexter718

    A holy ghost-writer, as it were.
    I wonder who does pussy Chuck's stunts for him? His dentist?

  • LabRodent

    His real name is Carlos (sounds un-american to me)

  • XOhioan

    Todd and Chuck are gay for white teeth, that's for sure: http://www.drjerrysanchez.com/smile_preview.asp.h

    "With Smile Preview there are no unpleasant surprises – just a beautiful new smile, like Todd."

    • widestanceroman

      Chuck has the whitest teeth Todd's ever come across.

      • flamingpdog

        Chuck has the whitest teats Todd's ever come across.

  • OkieDokieDog

    No no no. I saw that authentic un-doctored photo yesterday of Chuck madly typing away at his keyboard. He has a real gif at typing.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Chuck Norris has his own pastor so that God won't feel so intimidated when Chuck Norris makes his demands.

    • MinAgain

      Chuck Norris is a man of faith. Faith in Chuck Norris.

  • samsuncle

    All my comments are written by my mullahs and imans.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    DuBeard?

    • baconzgood

      Can I up fist the hell out of that anymore?….No.

    • flamingpdog

      Pastor DuDate?

  • Redhead

    Anyone surprised by this? Anyone? Bueller?

    I'm sure Norris is still given credit for writing the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Star Spangled Banner in Texas' history books.

  • Oblios_Cap

    These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with Chuck Norris so they can pretend to be real troops.

    So what name does DuBord post under on RentBoy.com ?

    • LabRodent

      Richard Innmee.

  • freakishlywrong

    "Christian" "Zombie" and "Light" "in the "..

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Conan Obrien had a shtick for a while where he would pull a giant lever coming out of the floor and short clip from Walker Texass Ranger would play. I never watched Chucky’s show but there sure must have been a lot of bad (as in suck) scenes in that show.

    • DangerHelvetica

      I'm looking forward to when we get to "Walker told me I have AIDS".

      • iburl

        yeah, I added a link to that vid in my comment before I saw this.

  • baconzgood

    Chuck Norris is Todd DuBord's Lou Sarah?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    There is no escape on Chuck Norris' keyboard.

    • LabRodent

      Now thats fu*king funny. upfist to you

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Oh great. Now there's Tab all over mine.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Yeah, I wondered WTH that meant, too. It's exactly how I felt after being on the phone this morning with AT&T for 30 minutes to bitch about why my DSL bill had jumped $10 higher for no reason. Lots of talking but no comprehending … at least on my part.

  • fuflans

    today we are all friends of the deceased writer Joe Hymans.

  • Boojum_Reborn

    His own Pasteurized Jesus.

    • doloras

      Someone to write your column, someone who's on 'em.

  • Gopherit

    dunno about his boots, but his balls are walker and texas ranger.

  • baconzgood

    You're reading one of those "Social Justice" Bibles.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I don't blame DuBord for not wanting to take the credit for writing those "columns".

  • DaRooster

    "A fine tragedy…"

    …is Chuck Norris.

  • PabaBritannica

    Does this mean Wonkette will be required to rewrite all those stupid Chuck Norris jokes to put themselves over Mr. Texas Ranger?

  • iburl

    Walker told me I have AIDS.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Really. When you look at poor Chuck's terrible situation you must draw a parallel to the Palin. Not only does she not write anything she cannot read it or remember it correctly.

    Chuck Palin, Author, Lover, Kicker
    Kinda

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Were there ever any scenes in Walker Texas Ranger where Norris throws an actual preacher under an actual bus?

    • XOhioan

      Yeah, but it was a busload of Mexican drug-lords and Talibanis and he and the black guy had a nonracist beer later, so it was ok.

  • philpjfry

    Carefull Jack, Chuck will come over and kick your ass……or send someone pretending to be him.

  • TX_Bluebonnets

    vincere!

    That's the second time in two days I've gotten to use Latin to make a joke. There may be hope for this nation yet.

  • Duly_Noted

    "O Chaplain, my chaplain! Our fearful trip is done;"

    I tried to get my Chaplin to comment on this, but he was too busy dancing around with an inflatable globe.

  • hagajim

    “Chuck Norris’ pastor plagiariser.”

    There…fixed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I believe the Bible should be taken literally — to the toilet and flushed.

    • Mumbletypeg

      That's harsh. (for the toilet)

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Chaplain Todd is Chuck Norris' full-time pastor? It's sorta like if Kato Kaelin did OJ Simpson's writing for him, then.

  • mereoblivion

    Caligula?

  • jus_wonderin

    That picture screams man crush.

  • mereoblivion

    Does the blog have to be pastorized?
    Heck no, it only has to come up to your knees!

  • chascates

    The true fact remains, however, that Space Jesus will soon lower his Cosmic Escalator (as foretold by Led Zeppelin) and Patriot Norris and Chaplain Todd will ascend into Gloryland leaving the rest of us in peace and quiet. And with a hell of a lot less other assholes around to boot.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    Pastor Fuzz?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm really surprised that they went for Rutger Hauer instead of Chuck for the soon-to-be-released "Hobo With A Shotgun". It seems right up his alley.
    Seriously: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hobo_with_a_Shotgun

    • ShaveTheWhales

      They went with Rutger because of his superior nuance.

    • baconzgood

      HOW THE EFF DID I MISS THAT LIL' SLICE OF KICK ASS AWSOMNESS? Straight to Red Box after work.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It's not even in theaters yet, yer gonna have to anticipate it for a little while.

        • baconzgood

          But I wanna see schlock NOOOOOWWWWW (in my winey voice).

          • BaldarTFlagass

            If that's the case, I recommend you go rent Machete again. I couldn't bring myself to send it back to Netflix for three weeks.

          • GOPCrusher

            Machete truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            I can't wait for the release of Machete Kills, and Machete Kills Again. I hope they don't suffer the fate of Atlas Shrugged Parts 2 & 3.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I have had it with that motherfucking hobo with that motherfucking shotgun!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Jesus wrote the whole thing in English; of that there can be no doubt.

  • prommie

    I am waiting to hear what Jean Claude Van Damm's palm reader has to say.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    You made that prayer your bitch, Pastor!

    • baconzgood

      Put your "pius" cock all up in it's "holy" pussy!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Plagiarizing Pastor DuBord should be impreached. The Pastor should be made passed tense. Not past tense, or past perfect, or past progressive, butt passed passed tense – like a turd.

  • Guppy06

    Woah woah woah… hold on a sec…

    Serious-ish journalism?

    On Wonkette?

    Without ass-fucking (so far as we know)?

    I may need to sit down a spell…

  • baconzgood

    Penn Jillette?

  • Doktor Zoom

    I'm going to wait until someone's pastor posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Pontius Pilate?

  • http://grandpaboy.blogspot.com/ seppdecker

    These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with the actor so they can pretend to be real troops.

    Sounds like he's one of those pastors.

    Jeff Gannon, George Bush, Ted Haggard, a wink's as good as a nod, etc.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Chuck's a fighter.
    Not a writer.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Except for that "Thou shalt not steal" part, apparently.

  • dox[acted]

    So he actually claims, as an accomplishment, that he's restoring revisionism and reductionism to our nation's historical record? Someone should consider reading books other than the Bible. Like, say, a dictionary.

  • ThundercatHo

    A guy who did some painting for us is a dead ringer for Chuck Norris. He ended up boffing my good friend and neighbor. I'll never be able to look at a Total Gym without totally cracking up.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    True fact: The ceiling of the Capitol rotunda in Washington DC has a painting of George Washington as leader amongst the Greek gods.

    So suck it Jesus, we've got Washington.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/ks_clicks/4930135037

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I don't get it either. If only they hired some kind of professional word using person to arrange their nouns and shit. I'm going to guess they want to put crucifixes in all the parks because their paleotelepathy tells them that's what separation of church and state really means.

    • MadBrahms

      The part that's confusing to me is the preposition: "…restore Christian revisionism and reductionism *from* American historic sites and landmarks"

      Even if you accept that "revisionism" and "reductionism" somehow carry positive connotations (i.e. you are from Bizarro Earth), it's still totally nonsensical. From? Wait, you want to use the monuments as a ground for Christianity, or…? Why the hell would you choose this guy as your co-author / ghostwriter?

  • GOPCrusher

    #Trigscrew?

  • GOPCrusher

    I suppose someone is going to try to convince me that Chuck Norris wasn't a Vietnam POW that escaped and went back to save other POWs?

    • SorosBot

      Hate to break it to you, but that was plagiarized from Sylvester Stallone.

  • Gopherit

    I think that's the order of Nuns who used to teach in my catholic school.

  • unclejeems

    Funny Walker TR clips? One time, Chuck (who played the part as part Native American, mind you), summoned a pod of medicine men to perform a kind of exorcism at an ancient gravesite. I kid you not–they showed up in a Jeep Cherokee.

  • unclejeems

    With Ted, it was all about ends.

  • tihond

    Why did Vince Lombardi let that kid die?

  • ttommyunger

    Ha! Nailed it!

  • berkeleyfarm

    Ha ha ha. As it happens, this farmgirl spent parts of her summers growing up in her grandfather's fishing cabin near Lake Almanor. It's insanely beautiful up in the Lower Cascades but it's pretty remote. Looks like "Chaplain" here traded his actual living-in-the-country-with-the-wild-things in for the glitzy Hollywood version.

  • flamingpdog

    "And what his pastor calls his loafers?". He prolly named them after his Messican landscapers.

  • ganmerlad

    I am into Christian revisionism and reductionism too! Or does that badly written sentence mean Pastor Du Bord is against them? (googling…) Oh, I see. It is his mission to go around the 'colonies' restoring all Christian references to our national monuments so that children on school field trips are reminded that the founding fathers wanted us to be repressed by outdated beliefs in perpetuity. Swell!

    However, I shall simply quote a founding father regarding that:

    It is too late in the day for men of sincerity to pretend they believe in the Platonic mysticism that three are one and one is three, and yet, that the one is not three, and the three not one…. But this constitutes the craft, the power, and profits of the priests. Sweep away their gossamer fabrics of fictitious religion, and they would catch no more flies.
    — Thomas Jefferson, letter to John Adams

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Thou shalt not steal too.

    What part of the plain language of the Ten Commandments doesn't Norris understand? Probably all of them, as he portrays killing as justifiable in his movies. Plus his divorces — a little coveting thy neighbor's wife, perhaps? Plus his child from an affair.

  • El Pinche

    That's funny . I call my pot dealer my "chaplain." Of course, he worships his Chinese Water Dragon and wears clogs (like Jesus ).

  • sportshort

    Chuck Norris doesn't care about your little blogsite. Chuck Norris has to have a stunt double for crying scenes.

  • Walkinwiddaking

    "t sounds like it’s very hard work plagiarizing a weekly conservative column under the assumed name of a B-movie action star! Certainly Jesus understands why his dutiful pastor has to plagiarize all the time. Men of the cloth got to make bank! Lying, stealing, and pretending you’re somebody else is a very godly way to make your living."

    Also a very American way of making your living.