Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns

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The best pastors are the kind who lie for a living.Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris’ most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators’ website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn’t even write these columns, from what we’ve found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as “Chuck Norris’ pastor.”

An anonymous tipster originally pointed us to DuBord yesterday, and it makes sense, because the man is listed as a “co-author” on Norris’ recent books, and because if Norris tried to type himself, the keyboard would explode from the sheer force.

What does this “pastor” do for a living? Here’s his website:

Over the past five years, Chaplain Todd has gained national recognition in his work to restore Christian revisionism and reductionism from American historic sites and landmarks. He has successfully led restorations of our Christian heritage at the Jamestown Settlement (first English colony in America) and the Washington Monument (discoveries that were broadcasted LIVE on FOX News and other news agencies across the country

Aha! Remember this Chuck column, in which “Norris” presents a first-person account by “my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations Todd DuBord”? That makes sense now! Chuck Norris doesn’t hate national parks. His “pastor” does, and he wanted to tell the readers of the Norris column what happened to him at the Liberty Bell. If you look back at that column now, these lines are pretty hilarious:

Recently, my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations, Todd DuBord, was on a tour of Independence Hall

And:

last week my chaplain received an unfortunate response letter about their grievous tour from Mrs. Cynthia MacLeod, the superintendent of the Independence National Historical Park

And

(You can read Superintendent MacLeod’s letter in entirety at my chaplain’s websiteNationalTreasures.org.)

My chaplain, my chaplain, my chaplain.

Though DuBord makes it sound on his website like he still serves as an actual pastor, at the Lake Almanor Community Church, we called the church, and they confirmed he left a few years ago to go into business with Chuck Norris. These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with the actor so they can pretend to be real troops.

And for more evidence that DuBord writes these things, we used an e-mail form on Creators Syndicate’s Norris page under the link “Write the author.” Immediately after sending a message, we received this out-of-office auto-reply from Todd DuBord’s personal e-mail account:

Greetings! I’ll be on a multi-month special work project and offline for days at a time, so will be VERY slow at responding to email. I appreciate your patience and understanding.

It sounds like it’s very hard work plagiarizing a weekly conservative column under the assumed name of a B-movie action star! Certainly Jesus understands why his dutiful pastor has to plagiarize all the time. Men of the cloth got to make bank! Lying, stealing, and pretending you’re somebody else is a very godly way to make your living.

Apparently Norris has always used a ghostwriter. A man identifying himself as a friend of the deceased writer Joe Hymans, who is also listed as a co-author of past Norris books, wrote to us to say his late pal used to do all of Norris’ writing.

So, yes, apparently Chuck Norris is not capable of writing anything, even plagiarized columns.

A fine tragedy.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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139 comments

    1. WunkRocker

      But who is their Co-Pilot? Who cares? He's like 30 yrs older than me. How about this? I beat him to death so we never have to fucking here about how superhuman this bullshit motherfucker is? Also. Buttseckts with his corpse. On youtube.

  1. GuanoFaucet

    You can read Superintendent MacLeod’s letter in entirety at my chaplain’s website NationalTreasures.org

    And Nicholas Cage writes all of the pastor's columns.

  2. aguacatero

    Is this some kind of effort to make Donald Trump look relatively smart and upright?

    Cause it's working.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    I was gonna bitch and complain about the near-three-hour drought of new posts, but I can see now that you've been sleuthin'.

    1. MinAgain

      Chuck Norris doesn't deserve to be downfisted. Because only Chuck Norris is allowed to bring down the fist.

  4. ifthethunderdontgetya

    "Creators Syndicate" is Latin for plagiarism.

    See, Jack? No story here. Move on, and such as!

    P.S. Does downfist trool love Chuck Norris just as much as he loves Sarah Palin? Signs point to yes!
    ~

    1. Gopherit

      Obviously Christianity Classic is wrong. it makes jesus look like a socialist pussy. We need to Norris up that Jesus guy.

  5. MittsHairHelmet

    Chuck Norris doesn't have a pastor. When he wants to hear the word of Jesus, he just meets Him for lunch in heaven.

  6. __kth__

    Funny, that's exactly the excuse I used in freshman comp: I paid the guy whose work I put my name on, and he knows about it and doesn't have a problem with it. Still got expelled for some reason.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    One evening on USO Tour in Iraq:

    Radio Speaker: Oooh!! Ahhh!! Ohhh!!! Oh yesss!!!
    Pastor DuBord: Is this 'The Bickersons'? I love them.
    Chuck Norris: Who?
    Pastor DuBord: The Battling Bickersons. I love them.

    Meh, maybe too obscure.

  8. edgydrifter

    Does Chuck use ghostactors, too? I've seen Delta Force. That shit's even worse than his "writing."

    1. SorosBot

      Chuck was a perfectly adequate stunt man who somehow convinced himself, along with Z-list filmmakers Golan-Globus Productions, that he could act.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Based upon that movie alone, it's probably safe to bet that he does not know how to read, either.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Now now, who needs to read dialogue when all you really need is some fine stage direction, to wit:

        NORRIS round-house kicks his opponent in the groin, then finishes him off with two quick plies, a bourree, and a grand jete accompanied by a guttural howl of triumph.

  9. JoshuaNorton

    Why is he feeling up that other dude? Is there something you want to tell us, Chuck?

    What's up Chuck?

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    Reductionist? Like, "I reduce people's intellect" or does he boil off half the liquid before introducing the roux?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Is that like rendering? There's a rendering plant over south of downtown, and man does it smell gross.

    1. Redhead

      Wait, has anyone seen Chuck Norris' birth certificate? What about the pastor's? I bet they're a bunch of commie facist socialist Nazis!

  11. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Actually, "Pastor Todd DuBord" is just a second personality Chuck developed to act out his fantasy of being a boring nebbishy nobody with a thankless, insignificant job. You know, like Fight Club, only upside down.

  12. Poindexter718

    A holy ghost-writer, as it were.
    I wonder who does pussy Chuck's stunts for him? His dentist?

  13. OkieDokieDog

    No no no. I saw that authentic un-doctored photo yesterday of Chuck madly typing away at his keyboard. He has a real gif at typing.

  14. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Chuck Norris has his own pastor so that God won't feel so intimidated when Chuck Norris makes his demands.

  15. Redhead

    Anyone surprised by this? Anyone? Bueller?

    I'm sure Norris is still given credit for writing the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence and the Star Spangled Banner in Texas' history books.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with Chuck Norris so they can pretend to be real troops.

    So what name does DuBord post under on RentBoy.com ?

  17. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Conan Obrien had a shtick for a while where he would pull a giant lever coming out of the floor and short clip from Walker Texass Ranger would play. I never watched Chucky’s show but there sure must have been a lot of bad (as in suck) scenes in that show.

  18. Texan_Bulldog

    Yeah, I wondered WTH that meant, too. It's exactly how I felt after being on the phone this morning with AT&T for 30 minutes to bitch about why my DSL bill had jumped $10 higher for no reason. Lots of talking but no comprehending … at least on my part.

  19. PabaBritannica

    Does this mean Wonkette will be required to rewrite all those stupid Chuck Norris jokes to put themselves over Mr. Texas Ranger?

  20. WinterOuthouse

    Really. When you look at poor Chuck's terrible situation you must draw a parallel to the Palin. Not only does she not write anything she cannot read it or remember it correctly.

    Chuck Palin, Author, Lover, Kicker
    Kinda

  21. SheriffRoscoe

    Were there ever any scenes in Walker Texas Ranger where Norris throws an actual preacher under an actual bus?

    1. XOhioan

      Yeah, but it was a busload of Mexican drug-lords and Talibanis and he and the black guy had a nonracist beer later, so it was ok.

  22. philpjfry

    Carefull Jack, Chuck will come over and kick your ass……or send someone pretending to be him.

  23. TX_Bluebonnets

    vincere!

    That's the second time in two days I've gotten to use Latin to make a joke. There may be hope for this nation yet.

  24. Duly_Noted

    "O Chaplain, my chaplain! Our fearful trip is done;"

    I tried to get my Chaplin to comment on this, but he was too busy dancing around with an inflatable globe.

  25. SayItWithWookies

    So Chaplain Todd is Chuck Norris' full-time pastor? It's sorta like if Kato Kaelin did OJ Simpson's writing for him, then.

  26. chascates

    The true fact remains, however, that Space Jesus will soon lower his Cosmic Escalator (as foretold by Led Zeppelin) and Patriot Norris and Chaplain Todd will ascend into Gloryland leaving the rest of us in peace and quiet. And with a hell of a lot less other assholes around to boot.

    1. baconzgood

      HOW THE EFF DID I MISS THAT LIL' SLICE OF KICK ASS AWSOMNESS? Straight to Red Box after work.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            If that's the case, I recommend you go rent Machete again. I couldn't bring myself to send it back to Netflix for three weeks.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            I can't wait for the release of Machete Kills, and Machete Kills Again. I hope they don't suffer the fate of Atlas Shrugged Parts 2 & 3.

  27. weejee

    Plagiarizing Pastor DuBord should be impreached. The Pastor should be made passed tense. Not past tense, or past perfect, or past progressive, butt passed passed tense – like a turd.

  28. Guppy06

    Woah woah woah… hold on a sec…

    Serious-ish journalism?

    On Wonkette?

    Without ass-fucking (so far as we know)?

    I may need to sit down a spell…

  29. Doktor Zoom

    I'm going to wait until someone's pastor posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

  30. seppdecker

    These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with the actor so they can pretend to be real troops.

    Sounds like he's one of those pastors.

    Jeff Gannon, George Bush, Ted Haggard, a wink's as good as a nod, etc.

  31. dox[acted]

    So he actually claims, as an accomplishment, that he's restoring revisionism and reductionism to our nation's historical record? Someone should consider reading books other than the Bible. Like, say, a dictionary.

  32. ThundercatHo

    A guy who did some painting for us is a dead ringer for Chuck Norris. He ended up boffing my good friend and neighbor. I'll never be able to look at a Total Gym without totally cracking up.

  33. JustPixelz

    I don't get it either. If only they hired some kind of professional word using person to arrange their nouns and shit. I'm going to guess they want to put crucifixes in all the parks because their paleotelepathy tells them that's what separation of church and state really means.

    1. MadBrahms

      The part that's confusing to me is the preposition: "…restore Christian revisionism and reductionism *from* American historic sites and landmarks"

      Even if you accept that "revisionism" and "reductionism" somehow carry positive connotations (i.e. you are from Bizarro Earth), it's still totally nonsensical. From? Wait, you want to use the monuments as a ground for Christianity, or…? Why the hell would you choose this guy as your co-author / ghostwriter?

  34. GOPCrusher

    I suppose someone is going to try to convince me that Chuck Norris wasn't a Vietnam POW that escaped and went back to save other POWs?

  35. unclejeems

    Funny Walker TR clips? One time, Chuck (who played the part as part Native American, mind you), summoned a pod of medicine men to perform a kind of exorcism at an ancient gravesite. I kid you not–they showed up in a Jeep Cherokee.

  36. berkeleyfarm

    Ha ha ha. As it happens, this farmgirl spent parts of her summers growing up in her grandfather's fishing cabin near Lake Almanor. It's insanely beautiful up in the Lower Cascades but it's pretty remote. Looks like "Chaplain" here traded his actual living-in-the-country-with-the-wild-things in for the glitzy Hollywood version.

  37. flamingpdog

    "And what his pastor calls his loafers?". He prolly named them after his Messican landscapers.

  38. ganmerlad

    I am into Christian revisionism and reductionism too! Or does that badly written sentence mean Pastor Du Bord is against them? (googling…) Oh, I see. It is his mission to go around the 'colonies' restoring all Christian references to our national monuments so that children on school field trips are reminded that the founding fathers wanted us to be repressed by outdated beliefs in perpetuity. Swell!

    However, I shall simply quote a founding father regarding that:

    It is too late in the day for men of sincerity to pretend they believe in the Platonic mysticism that three are one and one is three, and yet, that the one is not three, and the three not one…. But this constitutes the craft, the power, and profits of the priests. Sweep away their gossamer fabrics of fictitious religion, and they would catch no more flies.
    – Thomas Jefferson, letter to John Adams

  39. JustPixelz

    Thou shalt not steal too.

    What part of the plain language of the Ten Commandments doesn't Norris understand? Probably all of them, as he portrays killing as justifiable in his movies. Plus his divorces — a little coveting thy neighbor's wife, perhaps? Plus his child from an affair.

  40. El Pinche

    That's funny . I call my pot dealer my "chaplain." Of course, he worships his Chinese Water Dragon and wears clogs (like Jesus ).

  41. sportshort

    Chuck Norris doesn't care about your little blogsite. Chuck Norris has to have a stunt double for crying scenes.

  42. Walkinwiddaking

    "t sounds like it’s very hard work plagiarizing a weekly conservative column under the assumed name of a B-movie action star! Certainly Jesus understands why his dutiful pastor has to plagiarize all the time. Men of the cloth got to make bank! Lying, stealing, and pretending you’re somebody else is a very godly way to make your living."

    Also a very American way of making your living.

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