the halley's comet of dumb presidential scandals

And Then Barack Obama Released His Birth Certificate

OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG!The White House gathered the press this morning as usual and just passed out the president’s birth certificate. And then that was it. It’s here. The full thing. Long-form. Signed by the doctor. Etc. President Obama finally just asked Hawaii for the thing, and Hawaii finally just gave it to him. According to the document, no twin or triplet was born. The mother had no occupation. Her residence was not a farm or plantation. Here it is. The president of the United States has given into the trolls. What do you even say at a moment like this? “The President’s hope is that with this step, we can move on to debating the bigger issues that matter to the American people and the future of the country.” He’s right: issues like, why did it take three whole days for his mother to sign the birth certificate? What are these strange “x” marks and penciled-in numbers everywhere? And why did it take somebody so powerful so long to buy a fake long-form birth certificate?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

From the official release:

The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn’t good for the country. It may have been good politics and good TV, but it was bad for the American people and distracting from the many challenges we face as a country. Therefore, the President directed his counsel to review the legal authority for seeking access to the long form certificate and to request on that basis that the Hawaii State Department of Health make an exception to release a copy of his long form birth certificate. They granted that exception in part because of the tremendous volume of requests they had been getting.

Is this really happening? This is really happening. Lolz. Welcome to America, Barry. You are now a full citizen.

The document looks pretty much exactly like this long-form Hawaiian birth certificate from the era that was put up on WorldNetDaily just weeks ago to show everyone what they were after. And now they have it. (Or, more accurately, WND finally gave the White House a template document to pull off THE GREATEST CRIME IN AMERICAN HISTORY.)

So, Donald Trump? Will he hold a press conference and just melt? Or does he press on like a true patriot, demanding to see Obama’s hospital band, which, oh, he removed it from his wrist some time between 1961 and now, how convenient.

In conclusion, fake fake faaaaaake FAKE FAKE FAKE. [White House]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Stick a fork in us; we're done.

    • ArmoredBore

      Pfff, you wish. I'm bracing myself for the wave of Teahadists metamorphosing from illiterate boobs who can barely operate the 'puter to Photoshop experts claiming THIS is faked. Just like how they went from "not being interested in politics" before they heard of Obama to Constitutional scholars after.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah, they're far from over…remember the Clinton years? Useless investigation after useless investigation, wild conspiracy after wild conspiracy. No matter how many Obama knocks down, two more will take its place. Remember, when the Vince Foster "curious" death was debunked, our intrepid flying monkeys replaced it with the Ron Brown "incident" (the hilarious conspiracy being someone shot him in the head AND THEN crashed the plane for good measure) and finally, the wingnut piece de resistance, "The Clinton Chronicles". So, while Barry has debunked the nuts for now…the next one to surface will be his mafia donship/murder of his own mother (so he could blame it on health insurers, hmmmmm) which will finish up with of course, the worldwide caliphate/ UBL thingy (because crazy classics still make wingnuts horny).

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        "No matter how many Obama knocks down, two more will take its place" I LOVE whack-a-mole!

  • jdoleman

    Anyone want a second hand copy of this?
    http://www.amazon.com/Wheres-Birth-Certificate-El

    • comrad_darkness

      Is that a book about McCain?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Couldn't happen to a more deserving tool.

    • GOPCrusher

      I'll bet that there are a few facepalms out there from people that were stupid enough to buy it.

    • Lost_Teabaggers

      Hah! Jerome Corsi and the rest of the racist er…fascist er…birther conspiracy buffs are probably crying and masturbating over their worst fear coming to pass.

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    This is a shop. I know from the pixels and from having seen many shops in my time.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      You mean it's pixelater than we think?

    • Romesick
      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Should have put that on the Shroud Of Turin.

      • emmelemm

        ZOMG priceless! Love it.

      • Failure_Artist

        Hmm, the creator of this "translated" shop into deceptions. I always thought the shop in that joke referred to actually shops, as if there were physical locations where people can purchase photoshoped images.

        • tessiee

          "referred to actually shops, as if there were physical locations where people can purchase photoshoped images."

          Sort of like "the feminists" is a formal organization that has meetings and issues cards to its members.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        now THAT is a major fucking win sir/ madam! *golf clap*

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Sure enough, just checked in on the Fux News comments, and it's full of birthers saying it's obviously fake. Thought the story was big before?

    • LesPaultard

      Playing in those comments is fun. They're easy to infuriate.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        thank gawd someone enjoys it, I can't even imagine the massive amount of stupid that must be on display there

    • GOPCrusher

      Of course they are saying it's fake. They've devoted a lot of hate and rage for the last couple of years on this subject. Now they just look like a bunch of racists.

      • Dashboard_Jesus

        look like?

  • Barb

    Now what will they bitch about?
    I wonder when Martin Luther King imagined the first black President, if he thought he'd be a half-Hawaiian metrosexual?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nah, he probably figured it'd be someone like Charles Barkley. If he had known who Charles Barkley was.

      Or Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Well, now those of us on the left can start bitching about how he's playing to the lowest common denominator. Next, he'll be caving into demands to see his bris certificate.

      REEL AMERKKA DOZ NOT NEGOSHYAYT WIF TURRISTSS!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IMPEECH NAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!ONE!!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!!!!!!!!!

      (actually, I should probably not be vocalizing so early in the morning — I actually have a Japanese girl named Nao sleeping on my floor, and she's going to be confused)

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        Do we want to know why you have a Japanese girl sleeping on your floor, or is this a common occurrence with you?

        • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

          If it were a Japanese woman sleeping on my floor, I'd rather it become common. Sadly, the girl-child is just having a sleepover (FOR THE ENTIRE FRIGGIN' EASTER BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!1), so there are spare children lying around the living room. One of the challenges of telecommuting.

          So, anyone need some freshly-harvested organs?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Thanks for spoiling my early morning vicarious fantasy, Nato.

          • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

            I'm going to be 43 in a few days. Fourteen is about twenty years too young for me, if only because even in fantasy I'd like to be able to have something in common to talk about. "Oh baby, yeah, touch me there . . . oh yeah, rub harder, eventually that knee will bend!"

      • harry_palmer

        You should be living in the moment (Nao), the Republitards will still be with us later.

  • Poindexter718

    OK, Donald, the ball's in your court: time to produce your Mitosis Certificat­e.

  • CrankyLttlCamperette

    Anyone else feel a little piece of themselves die?

    • skoalrebel

      I thought so at first, but then I realized I just farted.

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      Are you kidding me? This is great! Hopefully the world ends a little bit sooner, and more quickly and less painfully!

      And now I feel better about calling birthers out as the racist pigfuck scum that they are.

    • fuflans

      yes.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Every. Goddamn. Day.

    • Ohforcripessake

      OMG what an asshole! Add this to his long list of caving to the wrong side! Jeebus!

  • tcaalaw

    You know who else regrettably gave into a pack of baying loonies out of a mistaken impression that satisfying their demands was possible?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "There's no pleasing some people."

      "That's just what Jesus said!"

    • SenileAgitation

      Neville Chamberlain?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Me, every morning, with my kids?

    • kissawookiee

      Scar?

    • TheMightyHaltor

      Hindenburg?

    • Naked_Bunny

      Isn't that why Newell went to Gawker?

    • GOPCrusher

      Baron Von Frankenstein?

    • dancesw_cougars

      I'm with you there, you're talking about Lady Gaga's famous man junk, aren't you?

    • ChessieNefercat

      "You know who else regrettably gave into a pack of baying loonies out of a mistaken impression that satisfying their demands was possible? "

      Any random parent?

  • facehead

    YOU CALL THAT A LONG FORM?!?!? OBVIOUSLY IT ISN'T LONG ENOUGH!!!!!!!! WHERE'S ALL THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE CONSPIRACY?!?!?!?!?!!

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      With all the comments about Barry's size and girth, that certificate should be at least 48"

    • Naked_Bunny

      I wanted the birth certificate penned on vellum with a quill.

  • hollywooddood

    The Donald has already said it should have been released a long time ago. And then he said blah, blah, blah.

  • Hera Sent Me

    By releasing his birth certificate today, Obama breathes life into Donald Trump's campaign for the GOP nomination. That is bad news for the Republicans and therefore good news for Obama.

    It was a brilliant tactical move, and so be prepared for a protracted gust of GOP carping ("Why did it take so long?", etc.), as they dimly perceive how they've been played for saps.

    • CapeClod

      I tend to think that you are right. I think that this has less to do with caving in and more to do with showing what a bunch of fucking nuts the Right is.

      • Dr_Zoidberg

        I'm going to cling to that hope.

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      Oh geez, the right-wingers are posting exactly that on CNN's comments. "What took so long durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr". What took so long? Um, the legally-acceptable version was released years ago.

      I'm still waiting for proof that GWB fulfilled his obligation to the National Guard and didn't go AWOL.

      • Naked_Bunny

        This is where I scream "Dan Rather", correct?

        • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

          Ding ding ding ding ding!!!!!!!!!

          Johnny, tell Bunny what she's won!

    • comrad_darkness

      I agree. This was a parliamentary-style move to make your opponents reveal their true colors.

      • jqheywood

        a parliamentary-style move

        a P-Funk move? Maybe a spaceship descending on stage?

        • tessiee

          Just the sort of "urban" tactic they expected.

          Although, I would like to see George Clinton run on a ticket with Hilary.

          • horsedreamer_1

            Not the same funk, but I seem to recall seeing footage of Roger Clinton performing "Thank U (4 Lettin Me B Mice Elf Ag'in)" in North Korea. Might have been '97? I don't know. I was seventeen… & messed up on drugs.*

            *Mountain Dew.

    • Naked_Bunny

      To be fair, Trump is now the only Republican who has accomplished something this year that didn't involve screwing over the middle class, the poor, the orphans, and the very Earth itself.

  • Poindexter718

    Yeah, but note that the fields for "Loves Jesus?" and "Loves Amurika?" have been whited out.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      That's because he loves White Jesus and White Amurika so much.

  • arihaya

    the right-wingnuts will find a way to BLAME Obama for this in 3… 2… 1…

  • WinterOuthouse

    I bet they won't be able to show us the soiled gloves, sheets and placenta? Where is the umbilical cord? Where's the foreskin? Where's the home movie of the alleged birth? This is NOT over.

  • JoeBiteme

    Yet again, the stupid kid in class has taken our fucking lunch money. FML.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      And given us a wedgie in the cafeteria.

    • kissawookiee

      Stop hitting yourself… stop hitting yourself… stop hitting yourself…

    • Gunner Asch

      Ooh! A new vocabulary acronym! If it weren't for Wonkette I wouldn't be much more current than "FUBAR".

  • samsuncle

    All this will amount to is just more fuel for the birther fire. Barry will never ever change their simple minds over this issue.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Not long-form enough.

    • arihaya

      Obama has something that is "long enough" tough ….

    • CliveWarren

      Too long, didn't read…

    • johnnymeatworth

      I'm waiting for the version Jack Kerouac typed on butcher paper.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Honolulu? Ain't that about halfway between Nairobi and Mombasa?

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      Geography is elitist!

  • memzilla

    Say, you know which other pack of braying a**hats insisted on proof of birth for its members… ?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Myself, I never equated the SS or Gestapo with "braying asshats"; more along the lines of "sinister, evil mofos."

      • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

        Oh, don't be fooled…the very beginning of the NSDAP was pretty much a bunch of drunken redneck braying asshats from rural Bavaria.

    • ThundercatHo

      The DAR?

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      The Bene Gesserit?

      • jqheywood

        Gives new meaning to "Bible Spice" now doesn't it?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      The assholes at the Post Office, when I went to get my passport? (hint: make sure your parents fill out the name portion when you're born rather than leaving it blank so that you can fill it out when you turn 18 or 21 or 43, or life is a pain in the ass when it comes to legal documents).

    • CalamityJames

      Mickey Mouse Club?

    • Buckminster

      The Ancient Order of Hibernians?

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Meh, it'll probably increase. Here's a well reasoned comment posted on the Fox News site: I believed Obama was a citizen–until this morning! Has anyone seen the low res image that the White House released? It's laughable. This is smoke and mirrors–this guy was NOT born in Hi.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe the guy needs to upgrade his Commodore 128's monitor and video card.

      • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

        Only elitists have Commodore 128s. VIC-20 FOREVAH!

        • mayor_quimby

          If only he had an Amiga 500, he could see it in 4096 colors (H.A.M. mode only)

      • V572..whatever

        It looks really clear on my XT with the Hercules graphics card.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        You people make me feel young again — I'm not the only one to have gone through the original Commodore line once I convinced my parents that the Interact 16 just wasn't enough computing power.

        • Gunner Asch

          I dabbled in the computer biz in 1978 by buying a batch of North Star Horizon kits and soldering all the components on all the myriad cards (S100 bus, 4k memory cards). It was pretty much the most powerful computer you could get at the time, all 8-bit Z80 worth running on North Star DOS. CP/M was still in the nebulous future. I was fortunate to get them sold before technology raced on by. They ran some $4k plus for about 1/1000th of the computer power in your cell phone.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            wow, that sounds awesome (and I have no fucking idea what you just said!)

      • tessiee

        So that's who has my old Kaypro.

  • samsuncle

    needs more zeros after the decimal.

  • KobayashiMaru

    Call me crazy, but damn, this is good news for John McCain.

    • horsedreamer_1

      & Meghan Mc Cain's Daily Best column now writes itself.

  • metamarcisf

    I have analyzed this certificate and have concluded that it is an obvious fakeroo. It is more obvious than ever that this president is illegal and an alien. Joseph Farah has surely been vindicated.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    This simply proves that Obama is a craven appeaser who caves in to packs of trolls, and therefore is not worthy of being Pretzeldent.

    And that he's probably from Kenya. Also.

    Update! This is a huge win for Donald Trump. After all these years of controversy, finally The Donald brings it to an end, by forcing the President to deliver what America™ has long demanded.

    Trump for the G.O.P.! (And vicey versy, of course.)
    ~

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Never Forget: He's also half-black, and has yet to repudiate his darker half.

    • problemwithcaring

      I am willing engage in real informed criticisms of the President's policy, but this comment proves that it doesn't matter what he does, you will say that his actions have led to the end of the world as we know it. If Obama takes a shit, you complain about how it empowers the Republicans. How about you shut the fuck up, and watch the Obama administration: you may learn a thing or two about politics.

      • snoopyfan2010

        I gave you a thumbs up for courage. There is a lot of mean girl behavior on the Wonkette sometimes.

  • arihaya

    let's predict what is on WND tomorrow: claim that the long-form is fake, and the real one is written in Swahili

  • Selfish_T

    @SarahPalinUSA is on it, telling her followers to STAY FOCUSED on important issues and NOT BE DISTRACTED by Obama's constant rattling on about his birth certificate.

    I hate her so much.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Who?

    • Texan_Bulldog

      'Important issues' being send SarahPAC money!

    • SenileAgitation

      Sarah Palin is a proven failure.

      FAILED Vice Presidential candidate
      FAILED Governor of Alaska
      FAILED television travel show hostess
      FAILED parent

      Why do you hate failure?

    • fuflans

      T

    • comrad_darkness

      Shorter Palin: The news cycle isn't about me me me me me! WAAAAAAH

  • Schmannnity

    For die-hard birthers, it will obviously be taken as a fake because no further information is given about the mother or father like whether they are also brother, sister, or cousin.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Teatard Nation will see this as the biggest cave-in ever, Boner will get overcome by this huge victory and refuse to bring the bill to raise the debt ceiling to the House floor causing the economy to asplode.

    We are doomed.

  • memzilla

    Has anyone ever bothered to note that in every WWII movie ever made, that it was never the good guys who said "Show us your papers?"

    • petehammer

      Well, I know it isn't the same, but in Last Crusade, it was the hero who asked "Tickets please" (and then chucked the guy out the window, saying "No ticket.").

      That movie was awesome.

      What are we talking about again?

    • tessiee

      "We don't need no stinkin' badges!"

  • ablington

    I don't like white people anymore.

    • MittsHairHelmet

      anymore??

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    I think he's proud of making the cancer America has been suffering into a terminal case.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Metastasis complete!!!

  • SorosBot

    Fuck Obama for doing this. All it does is encourage them.

    • vulpes82

      I think that's the point. Let them keep baying about birf certificuts.

    • JoeBiteme

      Co-signed. The media can all jerk each other off with talk about the "brilliant" strategy deployed by the White House, but this resolves nothing and only serves to embolden the nutters.

    • Chillwaver

      Exactly, he had no reason to cave in like this. You can't cure stupid and crazy.

    • Mumbletypeg

      C'mon don't blame the message. Blame the warped, decrepit, hissyfit'n message derailers.

      * but I do understand the frustration. I have to will myself to resist caving in to this sort of frustration, when either the decision to-or-not-to-release would've hardly quelled the fount of stoopid that is birtherism — that is out of my hands; it seems a lose-lose, so I let them cancel eachother out and say: Fine.

    • tessiee

      "All it does is encourage them."

      Meh *shrug* six of one, half a dozen of the other.
      If he didn't show it, they'd never shut up about "what is he hiding?"
      Now that he's shown it, they're pretty much equally un-shut-up-able.

  • Poindexter718

    Trump: "I'm very satisfied though I gotta say, based on my previous experience with The Blacks, I had expected Obama's to be longer."

  • waltergoober

    Nice try, Nobama. Where's Hawaii's Certificate of Statehood?

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Still a muslin.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      The sheet he has to put up with . . .

  • wegot2dobetter

    Very sad. It's 2011, and we just made our president show us his papers.

    • hagajim

      Why not…they do it to people in Arizona every day. I guess Barry better keep that with him when he makes a campaign swing through Phoenix.

      • anti0aquabudda

        Heaven forbid people show papers to vote, obtain a drivers license, obtain social security checks, obtain welfare checks, etc. ….. What the HELL will the citizens require next…. the federal government to actually balance the budget? Bastards!!!

        • ChessieNefercat

          What a moron you are. He. showed. the. paper. Years ago. The same exact document Hawaii provides to anyone born there who requests one. Not his fault that knuckle dragging racist cretins refused to accept it.

          Actual intelligent citizens realized this years ago.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Address: 123 Fake Street

    This is as phony as one of those TV magic queers!

  • CapeClod

    Given that there is vast amounts of evidence that Barry attends services in the Baptist faith and the wingnuts still claim that he is a Muslim, this isn't likely to satisfy the inbred mouth breathers anytime soon.

  • FNMA

    A day hardly passes without me saying this, out loud, at least a dozen times, but it seems appropriate at this juncture.
    For fuck's sake.
    That's all I got.

  • WinterOuthouse

    This is your ass. This is a hole in the ground. See the difference? No. I didn't think you would.

    Republitards.

    • anti0aquabudda

      What are you talking about… Hillary Clinton was the original birther.

  • Eve8Apples

    The birth places of "Honolulu" and "Oahu" sound awful Kenyan to me. I'm just sayin'….

  • LeAlbatross

    Thank you. I ain't saying anything others aren't thinking.

    • Mumbletypeg

      No but you said it quite nicely. And, glad you didn't take it to mean I was fisting the prospect of your deportation. That was the part where I switched from weeping to laughing.

  • Serolf_Divad

    NOW I see why obama was blocking the release of this document all this time. Just look at line 24:

    "Distinguishing features: birth mark resembling the numerals 666."

  • RodneyBadger

    For lulz the President should have handed out Trig's. Another opportunity missed.

    • anti0aquabudda

      Still trying to trash on a handicapped child? Nice!

      • RodneyBadger

        Explain how I tried to trashed Trig. Oh, you can't. That's because you are a fucking idiot.

  • Zombie_Reagan

    Terrible move by the Administration. This only recognizes the (totally false) Birfer claims.

    • petehammer

      Disagree. That's what they've tried to do but I think they have to recognize that 45% (45%!!!!) of Republicans believe he wasn't born here. Now he can put this out and say "You guys are such unbelievable idiots." I truly think that moderates will now look at the remaining birthers and think "hmmm… that side of the aisle sure seems racist-y."

      • anti0aquabudda

        The original birther was Hillary Clinton. Are you saying she is a racist?

  • vulpes82

    So if you're a loon, this just makes room for another conspiracy theory. If you're one of those wishy-washy idiots who thought, "I don't really know, but maybe there's something to it." you shrug and say, "Okay, whatever." If you're a commie, it's "Damn it, Obama, stop caving!!!!" Personally, I think he knows it won't convince the loons, but it'll mollify the idiots, and let the Republican party sink deeper an deeper into Trumpian lunacy.

  • Chillwaver

    "So that settles it, then?" asked the rational one…

  • Troubledog

    Where does it say how big his cock is? That's how we know he's a Kenyan.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or his 26-mile times.

      • Troubledog

        Or his exceptionally high quality coffee beans.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Or his Kenya Land and Freedom Army (Mau Mau) ID card.

  • MonkeyMan8

    Bammers is obviously just angling for a big load of birthday gifts. Only 99 shopping days left until he turns 50.

  • politics_nerd

    Big mistake…. Should have released it closer to the election, like in the summertime. By then the birthers would have been in a big frothy Santorum and then you release the LFBC and they get egg all over their delightful little fat faces. Among other things.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Real stupid. Wait till Trump gets the GOP nod THEN release the birth certificate. Obama needs some Chicago-style schooling in political tactics.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    It's not too long because the reverse is the circumcision certificate.

  • gef05

    Palin/Trump 2012

    Kill me now.

    • comrad_darkness

      Clearly, you are not in the comedic business.

  • MinAgain

    That's the long form? Looks pretty short to me. Of course, you know how men are…always exaggerating the size of things.

    • DahBoner

      That's why women are bad at estimating size…

  • Badonkadonkette

    I know we all loved watching the Teatards twist themselves into knots over this while Obamar stayed above the fray, but he will be judged the winner in this for being mature enough to decide to end the controversy for the greater good, and in so doing, make the Teatards' standard "I'm not a racist, but…" disclaimer sound even more offensively stupid and transparent.

    I just wish he'd waited til Trump clinched the GOP nomination.

    • James Michael Curley

      But what happens when Romney clinches and he can't produce anything, from any state, nation or 42nd Street "Get Legal Identification Papers Here" stores.

    • https://www.facebook.com/?ref=hp#!/profile.php?id=1458587946 loulouroo

      I wish I could believe that this will end the controversy, but I'm not that optimistic. They're already screaming "FAKE!".

  • Terry

    In addition to assuming this is a fake, the tea baggers will rant about Obama's father being not just a foreigner, but and African. At least the African rant gets them closer to admitting their core issue…that the President has the nerve to be black.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Plus, his mother's name is Stanley. That's not a chick name!!!

  • Doktor Zoom

    OK, but when is he going to release the really REAL real long-form birth certificate?

    Also, I note that this is simply a PDF file. It is most assuredly not an actual birth certificate on my computer, which is all that good patriotic Real white Americans have been asking for. When is Obama going to let all of us who have doubts examine the actual document on our home computers?

  • lingin

    Why is it an issue where President Obama was born? If one parent is an American citizen (and his mother was) then any children are American citizens.

    Of course if they're talking about the "natural born" stipulation (whatever the hell that is; if any presidential candidate was delivered by a C-section would that disqualify him/her?) then I guess we can have that conversation regarding clauses in the Constitution's amendments. "Well-regulated militia" anyone?

    • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

      See: Arthur, Chester A.

    • comrad_darkness

      Artificial insemination is also problematic. It would disqualify Jesus.

      • Doktor Zoom

        As would the First Amendment, I assume.

    • tessiee

      "Why is it an issue where President Obama was born? If one parent is an American citizen (and his mother was) then any children are American citizens. "

      Oh, right: the skin, the skin; I keep forgetting. — Dr. Zoidberg

  • harry_palmer

    Glad we got that behind us so we can get to the important business of caving to them on Medicare and SSI cuts.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    News Flash: Hawai'i not a state. Deeded by King Kummoniwannalaya in 1943 to Fiji.

  • ThundercatHo

    Where's Jeebus' long form, bitches?

    • DahBoner

      At the Hawaii Department of Health. Anyone can walk in off the street and look at it.

      What else ya got?

      //Cleans teeth with a toothpick…

  • comrad_darkness

    People who believe their God planted 30 billion billion billion trilobite fossils in the rock of the earth to test their faith can formulate pretty much any old twisted reality they want. Got a lot of practice at it.

  • CliveWarren

    Those are Arabic numerals!1!!1

    • comrad_darkness

      Ha ha. win.

  • Chillwaver

    Is this GOOD or BAD news for "The Donnie"?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    SnowSnookie just twatted her respect for Trump forcing the whitehouse's hand. We're through the looking glass here, people!

  • iburl

    Sorry, I won't accept that he's an American without his circumcision certificate. Besides, my uncle Bubba assured me that he snuck into the records office and stole that birf certificate and burned it, for America.

  • walstib

    Obvs a fake.

    Hawaii don't do green.

    Fucking mokes…

  • mookwrthwilson

    Now I want to see the Bird Certificate!!!

  • politics_nerd

    Lets all go to World Net Daily dot com and tap our fingers on our desks, smiling, and waiting.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    The Swift-birthing will continue. The "Obama is Other" meme is soaking in, and people won't remember why they believe it. These are the same people who wore purple heart bandaids at the 2004 Rep. convention.

    • comrad_darkness

      While bowing down to an elitist draft-dodger. Cognitive dissonance for the win.

    • Tundra Grifter

      deanbooth: "Swift-Birthing" is very good. Is that original? WIN !!!

      • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

        Yes, original. Thanks. The birther book just out is written by the same guy who wrote the swiftboat book.

    • James Michael Curley

      I have had the pleasure of verbally abusing some of them as they were circulating those to delagates in my state and they proudly proclaimed their participation.
      Viet Vet who stood with John Kerry on the mall in April 1971 – forty forking years ago!

  • jdoleman

    Just noticed that fathers occupation on birth certificate is "KGB Agent"

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Rowr!

  • lilblacktombo

    yeah, but now elmobama won't show us the bert certificate

  • FNMA

    I was sort of hoping that Obama would appear before the press and go all Sheriff Bart on them. "'Cuse me while I whip this out."

    • Moonbat

      I've been waiting for that since he was elected. I'm going to be so disappointed when it never happens.

    • DahBoner

      "Oooh! You really are gifted!"

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh, man, I can see this being posited in the next day or so.

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    I see you're not familiar with the scientific Theory Of Trump Ego. It is related to the Theory Of Palin Martyrdom. Anything and everything that gains a certain threshold of attention can be funneled into one or both.

  • kissawookiee

    One of my favorite birfer… arguments? statements? logorrhoeic projectile spewings? is that they will not be satisfied until they have personally examined the document with their own eyes and held it in their own sweaty fingers. I imagine by the time it's been passed around several times, the Cheetoh-and-Skoal stains will have obliterated every identifying mark so badly we'll all have to concede it's fake. And that's only after Alabama.

  • unclejeems

    My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.

  • fuflans

    yeah!! now they will be quiet.

    right?

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    Boycott Dole Pineapple!

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    I opened it in photoshop and it's full of pixels, so it's fake!! I gonna post it on WorldNetDaily.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Why won't he release his social security number? What's he hiding? Just sayin'…

    • LetUsBray

      AND the pin number to his ATM card. What's up with that, heenngh?

      • SorosBot

        PIN stands for Personal Identification Number; when you say "pin number", you're saying "personal identification number number". It's just plain wrong, like "ATM machine".

        • Doktor Zoom

          Elitist.

        • widestanceroman

          Thank you.

          UPC code.

          Also.

        • LetUsBray

          Is it too late to say I was intentionally spoofing the wingnuts' illiteracy?

          • comrad_darkness

            We know you really meant it.

          • widestanceroman

            I understood it to be not a factual term, so youse OK.

        • Naked_Bunny

          The correct phrase is "PIN number code".

        • horsedreamer_1

          I get around that by calling it a TYME* machine. I gun my checking account to 88 whenever I'm at the strip-club.

          *Take Your Money Everywhere. Might be just a Wisconsin & Minnesota thing, from the early/mid 90s.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    What is this fancy strange writtin'? Oh wait, it's anglesh.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Win. That better garner you supermegafists.

  • notreelyhelping

    I still hear distant voices shouting: "Burn her! She's a witch!"

  • Doktor Zoom

    In other news, the American Federation of Sideshows and Carnival Barkers announced that it resents its membership being compared to Donald Trump.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Dan Rather, it's your comeback moment…

  • BZ1

    That sound you hear is Orly's, the Donald's and teatard heads blowing up everywhere…

    • tessiee

      We should be so lucky.

  • James Michael Curley

    He still needs to show us why he has no circumcision certificate.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Alaskunt

    • Barb

      Thank you! well said.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Pay up! Limeylizzie still owns the trademark on that word.

  • GregComlish

    Wow, I just felt the psychic energy of millions of birthers getting all frothy pissed off that NOBAMA released a "fake" birth certificate. They are in high gear.

    I don't know how this credential is any more solid that the previous one. It still says "Certificate of Live Birth" not "Official LONG FORM Birth Certificate"

    I suppose it won't change anything, but it does provide us with an opportunity to emphasize what a bunch of ignorant conspiratorial racists the birthers are. And we should embrace that opportunity.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    You call that long? Tee-hee

  • comrad_darkness

    Wait, a conspiracy where Trump is doing some shadowy strategic organization's bidding?? Meh.

  • crybabyboehner

    That phony baloney seal of authentication won't fool anybody.

    GOP to Obama: "You're still not the emboss of me."

  • http://andrewdrinker.wordpress.com Andrew Drinker

    Mmmmm that is pure, unadulterated hardcore pr0n. Mmmmmm……

  • Wadisay

    Thank God now we can all move on to more important issues, like, why is he a secret Muslim, why does he want to establish the Dictatorship of the Proletariat, and does William Ayers control his brain through psychokinesis.

  • comrad_darkness

    Oh my god. 1961. I feel so fucking old.

  • Gold_ManSacks

    The Constitutions says "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President." Hussain wasn't born for 200 years after the adoption of the constitution. Throw that commie-muslin-fascist-african out.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Prepared for… Undead Presidents.

      Even allowing for the two terms limits, zombies of Washington thru Jackson will get us to 2075 or so.

      • Gold_ManSacks

        Would Zombie Jefferson dig up and rape the corpses of his slaves or would he find new women to rape?

        Also, no Jackson, without any Injuns left to kill he wouldn't know what to do.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Zombie Jefferson is clearly not a scrub, so he would go for Zombie Left-eye Lopez.

          & I think Jackson would make do "forcing" the Pakistanis to unleash the Islamic Bomb on New Delhi.

  • petehammer

    A guy posted on Amazon that he had cancelled his order for the unreleased Corsi book ("Where's the birth certificate" hahahahahaha)… and then followed up with: "now where are his transcripts and medical records???"

    I'm not that old, but what I realized in my time is that idiots remain idiots.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Still waiting for GWB's service records.

      • tessiee

        I hope you brought a bag of lunch; this might be awhile.

  • prommie

    Its got proportional spacing, they didn't have proportional spacing in 1961! Dan Rather is behind this obvious fake. And where's the footprint? Footprint, or GTFO.

  • horsedreamer_1

    "It was either that, or Mohammad".

  • Naked_Bunny

    When will Obama prove he didn't blow up the WTC?

  • Naked_Bunny

    That can't be real. It doesn't mention the horns and tail.

    • Naked_Bunny

      Also, "Kapiolani" is an obvious made-up word.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This is obviously the White House showing they have done the math & realized there is no chance of SCROTUS overturning the Arizona birther law. & Obama needs to be on all fifty state ballots.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I wish Donald Chump has demanded Mr. Obama explain the lyrics to "Whiter Shade of Pale."

    Cool song – but I've never been able to figure out what the hell they are singing about.

    • schvitzatura

      First draft of opening of WSoP:

      We skipped the light mazurka
      turned Berani flips 'cross the floor

  • mormos

    Goddamn anchor babies!

  • Fuck Toad

    Sen. Vreenak (R-Romulus) responds to the news:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ljq0mYbqyqc

  • m_supercomputer

    My first thought was, "ugh, Barry, you released this way too early in the election cycle." Then I realized that I'd read/listened to so much pseudo-savvy shallow electioneering tactical bullshit that it was starting to *eat my brain,* and only narrowly restrained myself from jumping out of a window.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Donald Trum is ALWAYS very proud of himself, duh.

  • aguacatero

    I: FULLY expect that conservatives, having been proved wrong on birtherism, will be fairminded enough to revisit their opinions about climate change.

  • widestanceroman

    I proofread for a living and you have no idea how many times I've had to threaten to have one of my rages over PIN number. Good to know there are other language soldiers out there.

  • Limeylizzie

    So, I go to the gym, come back and this has happened! I think it is a stroke of genius, he has proven that fully 2/3rds of the GOP are barking mad and racists to boot . Well played , sir.

  • zappadoo76

    Why did Preznit Obama take so long to release this thing? Is he just a natural born prick teaser or what? Henngh?

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Brilliant!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Next: Making A Big Fucking Deal About The Time Obama Spent In Pakistan.

  • DangerHelvetica

    "The president ought to spend his time getting serious about repairing our economy," Priebus said. "Unfortunately his campaign politics and talk about birth certificates is distracting him from our number one priority — our economy."

  • chascates

    RedState's Erik son of Erik sez:
    Barack Obama is going to release his long form birth certificate. For several years now, he has used this issue as a way to paint those who oppose him as crazy, racist extremists.

  • pacifistgunman

    Having no birth certificate didn't prevent Jeebus from getting nailed on a hot-cross bun.

  • axmxz

    No mention of Reptiloid DNA donor. I call fake.

  • June_Cleaver2.0

    I want to see the circumsion certificate. And if he doesn't have that, then I must insist I inspect the circumsion. I'll have wine on hand, nice music. Michelle not .. ur.. invited? .. for this official inspection.

  • problemwithcaring

    Right nutters: FAKE!!!
    Left nutters: CAVE!!!

  • emmelemm

    Just adding: well put.

    Distractions, distractions, distractions. SQUIRREL!

  • ChessieNefercat

    And GRE exam.

  • snoopyfan2010

    So, I was outside walking and I saw a bunch of yippy little white dogs attacking a pit bull….couldn't believe they weren't tired of playing their stuipd game yet.

  • comrad_darkness

    Second term.

  • tessiee

    Response by birthers that the document they've been screaming for since January 2009, and have now finally had handed to them on a silver platter, isn't *really* the thing they wanted, in
    3…
    2…

  • tessiee

    "Trump has responded "Today I'm very proud of myself, because I've accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish,""

    I'm not sure that having one's bluff called can be called an accomplishment, and it's actually something of a commonplace event.

  • tessiee

    Potential buyer: Hmm, I don't know…
    Homer: What do you mean, you don't know? You said you wanted an elephant. This is an elephant.
    Potential buyer: Wellll… It is, and it isn't.

    [they just showed this ep yesterday]

  • tessiee

    Bob who is not a birther, not a troll, and not ashamed of America, must be fapping himself to death right about now.

  • LibrulEleet

    Two can play this game, though. What was Seward's real motive for purchasing Alaska?

  • tessiee

    + 1000

  • tessiee

    Also too.

  • horsedreamer_1

    This gives Larry Flynt an idea for Nailin' Palin: Three's a Crowd.

  • http://yakkingmelmoth.blogspot.com/ portermelmoth

    I won't believe this document is valid until Dan Rather tells me it is.

  • schvitzatura

    A pre-downfisted into oblivion comment observed in the wild is as rare as hen's teeth!

    Concern troll is concerned!

    • anti0aquabudda

      Notice though you couldn't even respond to the ACTUAL question, but had to deflect. Well done Troll!!

  • keepintime1592

    But Sister Sarah said he spent millions trying to cover up the evidence of his obviously faked birth. Sure hope he can get a refund or something. Seems only fair.