Trump Asked For White House Job, Wanted To Build Obama a Ballroom

• What did Donald Trump use to do for "fun," before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked "to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to "fire" all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that's what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world." Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [ WaPo ]

• The weather Insanity in the South continues: "Baseball-sized hail" has been pummeling Arkansas, and Missouri's levees are just about ready to explode. Please stay safe, everyone! [ CNN ]

• An alleged al-Qaeda militant suspected of blowing up hotels and churches in Pakistan was (is?) an informant for MI6, the spooky British Secret Intelligence Service. Who are we fighting again? [ BBC ]