How do you go from 'I will build you a free ballroom!' to 'where is the bird certificate?'

  • What did Donald Trump use to do for “fun,” before he started accusing Barack Obama of being a Kenyan space lizard with lousy SAT scores? Oh, you know, he would drunk dial David Axelrod and beg him for a job, of course. Zounds! Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed. Ready for this?: Donald Trump contacted David Axelrod in June and asked “to be put in charge of the operation in the gulf to seal the oil leak.” (Haha, he wanted to “fire” all of the sea creatures, probably, and watch as they burst into flames. Because that’s what happens when you mix fire and oil-soaked dead baby dolphins.) Anyway, historians tell us that Donald Trump was not put in charge of butt-plugging the oil leak, because Obama knew that would have been an impeachable offense. In a different embarrassing exchange, Donald told Axelrod, “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Yes, he wanted to build the White House a ballroom that would “cost maybe $100 million,” completely for free. Aww. Donald Trump is a schizophrenic. [WaPo]
  • The weather Insanity in the South continues: “Baseball-sized hail” has been pummeling Arkansas, and Missouri’s levees are just about ready to explode. Please stay safe, everyone! [CNN]
  • An alleged al-Qaeda militant suspected of blowing up hotels and churches in Pakistan was (is?) an informant for MI6, the spooky British Secret Intelligence Service. Who are we fighting again? [BBC]
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  • Barb

    Let's hope that America isn't the fourth venture Donald Trump bankrupts.

  • Probably best to take a pinch from the snuff box before you proceed.

    Come on, Riley. You can break out the jar of weed for us. We're your friends!

    • DaRooster

      I need Oxy to deal with that Trump guy… to much pain in the membrane.

  • lefty74

    More bankrupsies than failed marriages.
    No wonder the right loves him!

    • Barb

      Is anyone better off than they were four wives ago?

  • catchtheflava

    I thought Trump was doing all this because he offered Barack a million dollars for a night with Michelle. And was REJECTED.

  • skoalrebel

    Trump should build a grass hut for that Kenyan.

    I wonder if he'd help rebuild my meth lab. We had a little explosion the other day.

  • tcaalaw

    What, no coverage about the long form birth certificate release?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Wait a minute! That font didn't exist in 1961! Fire Dan Rather!!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    All they had to do was stuff Donald head first into the blowout. Seems like his hair would have absorbed all that oil & the baby dolphins would be alive now. Why does Barry hate the Gulf Coast? Oh, Haley Barbour & Bobby Jindal, got it!

  • “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.” Sounds like a pickup line in a geriatric clinic.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The name's Bond, Muhammad Bond.

  • freakishlywrong

    Well, Trump won. The vaunted Long Form was released this a.m. I'm ashamed of this country, of wingnuts, and Donald Trump should be spit on at every opportunity. What a disgrace. This, of course, will not shut them up. He could dye his hair blonde and bleach himself and these awful racists would still bray.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Unfortunately, you're pretty accurate. I wish that the birth certificate hadn't been released at all…but maybe the asinine birthers will finally shut the hell up.

      • freakishlywrong

        What he released was sufficient for every white mother fucking President we've ever had. They'll never stop.

        • Dr_Zoidberg

          Damn right. I don't recall this kind of bullshit with any presidents in my lifetime (42 years). Why don't these asswipes just come out and admit they're racist?

      • BobSalem

        The really funny part of all this is the fact the Trump is not a Republican and has supported the dumocraps most of his life and has donated much, much more money to the dumocraps. Hillary Clinton started all the questions about his birth certificate, not the Republicans yet all you people claim it is the right wing birthers.

        • SorosBot

          Nice job just flat-out lying again! Clinton had nothing to do with that. But hey, we can't expect much in the way of facts from someone who actually denies the proven reality of global warming.

          • BobSalem

            You are the one flat out lying here. Or are you simply trying to rewrite history as usual? Billary was the one all over Obummer during the dumocraps primary and now she didn’t start the questioning about it. Very comical that you would even try to deny it. However is it not unexpected from libpuke. And as for global warming issue, you are nothing but a fool and a tool box.

          • SorosBot

            Billary? Obummer? Dumocraps? Libpuke? Man, you are even dumber than usual when you try to be funny. And here you are again, proving you are a moron by denying proven science. Tell me, do you believe in creationism / "intelligent design" too? How about denying heliocentrism, or claiming Earth is flat?

    • SorosBot

      All this will do is encourage them; next he'll release his college transcripts, and they'll demand his first grade report cards.

    • mumbly_joe


  • NorthStarSpanx

    Yeah, why wouldn't the most powerful office building in the land take a free-of-charge $50 million ballroom from a thrice-bankrupted Realtor?

    Build a golf course in Ireland and then get back to us, The Donald.

  • Captain_Quark

    So, Donald T. Rump wants to plug a hole. How is this not buttsex at the bottom of the sea?

  • bureaucrap

    It MUST be a forgery – it's too authentic-looking. There's simply no possible way a person named HUSSEIN could be born in the United States.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      That's what I'm thinking. It was photoshopped!!!

    • El Pinche

      We're assuming he was even born at all. You guys are thinking like you were state educcated or somthing.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Looks like the crazies will need a new conspiracy to chase

  • WinterOuthouse

    Axelrod was right to deny the Donald access. He just wanted to snoop around in the First Lady's unmentionables.

  • OT of your OT, or maybe not…

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      I saw that – kinda disappointing.

    • not that Dewey

      I know some of the people on that project; it's very sad. They designed some really revolutionary antenna feeds. I'm not sure their goal was very worthy, but there were some hella smart people working on it.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Curious how the weather insanity quickly brings out demands for Big Government.

    And a health scare.

    And a corporate swindle.

    And a foreclosure.

    And a pothole.

    And a single toll lane open on Easter.

  • WinterOuthouse

    sTrumpet got his feelings hurt. In typical middle school fashion, he decided to be mean to the President by running against him on trumped up charges.

  • SorosBot


  • WinterOuthouse

    Nope. They won't know if it is real or a really really good fake

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Given their response to the Kenyan birth certificate that Oily Taint pulled out of her snatch last year, they can't even tell the difference between real and really really bad fakes.

  • Hell hath no racist stupidity like a short fingered vulgarian scorned.

    • ttommyunger

      Buchanan was in this piece, too?

  • neiltheblaze

    Sarah Palin is swiftly losing her Diva Crown as the nation's most whiney attention whore. She's been Trumped.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I guess that when those levees break, those folks in Missouri gonna have no place to stay. It's enough to make a mountain man leave his home.

    • Alas, it's the Will of God. Who could have foreseen bad weather or a globally changing climate? If only they'd prayed harder.

  • arihaya

    if Trump was the president during the leak:

    "Gulf of Mexico sounds foreign, invading it may be the best option."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Great ballrooms of the world."

    I can't name one.

    • The Hellfire Club? Oh you mean for dancing…

    • Pragmatist2

      Don't worry, Huffpo will have a slideshow later in the day.
      They will steal it from someone else's site.

    • Miss Scarlet, with the candlestick?

    • My bedroom.

    • freddymcmurray

      You didn't watch Bristol dance? Pshaw.

  • CapeClod

    At first I thought, "How could you spend $100 million on something and still have it come out looking cheap and tacky?" then I remembered that they spent $1 billion on Cowboys Stadium and got the same results.

  • SorosBot

    As the South is the home to most of the nation's global warming denialists, and they're now facing serious consequences of the global warming that is actually happening right now, would it be wrong to laugh at their suffering?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Haha, the Onion's article about impending blood storms is actually really fucking right on the nose, then.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Ballroom" as in – "the room where Donald Trump would store the massive balls it takes for him to think he is in any way qualified to be President?"

  • Schmannnity

    I believe Clinton's balling room will suffice.

  • harry_palmer

    “I will build you, free of charge, one of the great ballrooms of the world.”

    Not getting his wish sparked his Presidential ambition, sort of like Lincoln when they wouldn't outlaw slavery.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    If you can't join 'em, fuck 'em.

  • samsuncle

    If bullshit were music then Trump would be a brass band.

    • Nah. He would be Kenny G–bland and stupid but for reasons unknown wildly popular among fat white people.

  • x111e7thst

    Who are we fighting again?
    We have always been at war with Fantasia.

  • harry_palmer

    When Obama turned him down he offered to build Mitt some magic underwear. "These will have all the ballroonm in the world."

  • Schmannnity

    Obama has just released his long form birth certificate. Trump to demand SAT scores.

  • mumbly_joe

    Who are we fighting again?

    Ourselves, always and forever.

  • DaRooster

    “Baseball-sized hail”

    Hey, since no one can truly afford to play games/sports anymore… this comes in handy.
    "Where'd ya git thet ball Billy Ray Bob?
    "Theys jus fallin' from the sky Ma"

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Where's the placenta?!

  • 4tehlulz_lite


  • DaRooster

    Donald thinks a "ballroom" is where you find your next wife… and EVERYONE needs a new ballroom.

    A ballroom? Dude it is not 1883… why don't offer to build something worthwhile; soup kitchen, homeless shelter, ball fields for kids in the south to play Hail Ball… douche.

  • 4tehlulz_lite


    • tcaalaw

      Nah, it's Birthermorgen.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    And I'll bet he offered to build Bill Clinton a ballroom…

  • hollywooddood

    What's wrong with building a ballroom for the blacks?

  • JackDempsey1

    This promised ballroom is a backdoor way to save PBS.
    Once Joe Public gets a load of our new waltzing mecca, the demand for Lawrence Welk re-runs will go through the roof.

  • WinterOuthouse

    This 'baseball sized hail' is that one of those message-y thing-ys that God sends when He's mad about something? Or does that just happen when it hits the White House?

    It's God's message when it happens to someone else. It's a weather event when it happens to you.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Where's the home movie of his mother in the stirrups screaming?

  • WinterOuthouse

    Where's the home movie of him being conceived?

    • ttommyunger

  • DaSandman

    Ah, he isn't the perfect candidate yet. Multiple bankrupcies, check. Multiple wives, check. Parking lot butt sex with 12 year old rent boys? No video yet.

  • kissawookiee

    You know how your dog whines and whines and whines and you finally give him a biscuit because you just can't stand the whining any more? Does that shut him up? Only as long as it takes him to chew and swallow. Then it just gets louder.

    • emmelemm

      I'm late to reading this morning thread, but I HAVE to say: best analogy ever!

      (Also: "Shut up, Shadow! I mean it!!")

  • SorosBot

    He released his legal birth certificate three years ago, moron.

    • BobSalem

      liar and a fool. I am starting to believe you really are an attorney.

    • Arguing with the shitwit just encourages it. Although if it is cathartic for you, please continue. I just hate seeing it smear it's feces all over the drapes, and it does a lousy job licking it all clean.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    FAKE! "African" is not a race!!1!

    • Negropolis

      You try to tell that to a birther. Hell, I'm sure they probably still call us Ethiopes.

  • Pretty sure the WH already has a ballroom. Why can't Trump offer something useful, like an Advanced Center for Practicing Infanticide or some such?

  • BobSalem

    Ah shucks now, aren’t all you asswipes special (special needs that is). If you assholes pulled your heads out of your asses and smelled what you assholes are shoveling all the time you would realize that you assholes are all neck deep in your own shit piles. I am still ROFLMAO at the possibility you could be an attorney.

    • doloras

      "aren’t all you asswipes special (special needs that is)"


  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    That wasn't "baseball sized hail" in Arkansas. The Mariners' bullpen was just having an unusually rough outing.

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