trump-brand nepotism

Trump’s Son-In-Law (Who Is NOT Obama) Bought His Way Into Harvard

A Penn man knows how to act in a professional wrestling ring.While Donald Trump’s team of gumshoes are now travelling the globe trying to find evidence of how President Obama got into Harvard Law School even though he is one of the blacks, it turns out his very own son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is one of those rich types who sneak their way into the Ivy League despite being a poor student that Trump suddenly despises so much. Kushner’s father bought the slot for $2.5 million; later, this nice dad went to prison for tax evasion, so it was like the government paid poor Harvard this douche-stained money. It sounds like our next First Family will be quite upstanding citizens, unlike that current resident who rolls around in his own feces. (We’re talking about the dog. We think.)

Pareene is scoopin':

Wall Street Journal education writer Daniel Golden’s book “The Price of Admission” explores the Kushner donation at length. An official at Kushner’s (expensive, private) high school told the author: “There was no way anybody in . . . the school thought he would on the merits get into Harvard. His GPA did not warrant it, his SAT scores did not warrant it. We thought, for sure, there was no way this was going to happen.”

Will the cartoon rich man stop speaking to his son-in-law for the rest of his life in order to defend the honor of the whorish institution of higher education that let him buy his way in. We assume so. If Trump is one thing, it’s consistent. [Salon]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Barb

    Okay, here's the thing. Donnie says that Barry wasn't born in Hawaii. Why did he send his flying monkeys there then? Shouldn't he have sent them to Kenya?

    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      He was just lulling the real birth certificate into a false sense of security. The "investigators" in Hawaii are just decoys intended to draw everyone's attention while the real investigators sneak into the Mombasa Birth Certificate Depository. He got the idea from Ocean's 11 through 13.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      His minions will scour every square centimeter of the island chain. Donald Trump will successfully use the lack of evidence to prove a negative. This will cause the universe to collapse in on itself (we can only hope).

      1. Barb

        I guess the billable hours are way more fun in Hawaii.
        Donald announced today that the birth certificate is "missing"

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          UPDATE: it appears the Donald has pulled one out of his ass (cuz that's where REAL 'Merkans keep their birf cirtifacuts!)

  2. WinterOuthouse

    Urban types never get into Harvard on merit. It is always a quota thing-y, just like letting girls play basketball or hockey or football or wrestling.

    1. natoslug

      If the rest of the Internet went away, I'd still be willing to pay my ISP as long as pornotube/redtube/youporn continued their naked girl wrestling channels. It has real merit, dammit. And yes, by merit, I mean it makes my penis happy.

    2. V572..whatever

      Whereas "legacy" admissions are based purely on merit, so long as you accept the hypothesis that wealth = merit. Many do, particularly prep-school boys who are good at water polo!

    3. karen

      I want to know where the quota thing came from, because from what I learned, affirmative action isn't a quota system. It basically says, for example, 2 people are applying for a job, one is white and one is black. They both have the same qualifications and experience. If the white person is chosen, there needs to be a reason given why the black person wasn't. They aren't like CHOOSE BLACKEY! They just wanna know why. Am I totally wrong? Was I hung over that day in class?

      1. snoopyfan2010

        I think you're right. They are not legally required to hire/admit someone because of race. They are just required to respond to a challenge that the decision was not made on merit alone. To some people having to justify their decision is the same as a quota system…..not sure how but it is.

      1. RavenRant

        Thanks! I'm excited. I almost used "Eager to be upfisted" as my personal profile description, but I thought it sounded a smidge too desperate.

          1. CalamityJames

            I have no experience with the "triple-word-score" thing, but I can say with absolute certainty that getting more than 10 fists for a single post makes me harder than calculus. I would have said trigonometry, but, you know, it's retardicle.

          2. CalamityJames

            Now Liz, I know for a fact that 67 is probably the low-end of your fist-count.

            You do pretty well on Wonkett ,too.

          3. Dashboard_Jesus

            hell I'm happy to upfist yer puffy vagina! (unfortunately I'll never get to experience that special feeling, it might help if I started my commentatin' before midnight…oh, and I don't have a vagina)

        1. Dashboard_Jesus

          welcome to the club, I lurked for years myself before risking complete humiliation by making lame- yet sometimes insightful- comments about 6 months ago…thankfully the Wonketeers seem to be pretty accepting if'n your heart's in the right place :)

          1. RavenRant

            Thanks! I’m going to try not to check my p score every ten seconds. My worth as a human being is not determined by p! (Or so I keep telling myself…)

          2. CalamityJames

            I don't know what the hell you folks are talking about, my p-ness is my only worth as a human being.

            Ok, now I'm sad.

          3. RavenRant

            Well, of course, you’re the exception. Your p-ness is special. Everyone says so.

            (In the positive sense, not the euphemism for the forbidden word.)

          4. Beowoof

            My p-ness has been the focus of my attention since the first time it stood at attention in the first grade as I checked out Bonnie Lou.

        1. Beowoof

          We have a down fister troll that comes through and attacks all of us. Don't let them bother you too much. I know that folks such as you and Lizzie keep me coming back for the trenchant remarks. Much better entertainment than the drivel on the telly.

          1. RavenRant

            Yeah, I've seen the troll's shenanigans. He/She/It just seems to motivate the Wonketteers to upfist more extravagantly.

            I'll try to keep things trenchant, tho, and earn my fists.

          2. Dashboard_Jesus

            good thinkin', I got lucky a few months ago with an especially righteous- and timely- rant on Keith Olberman's firing…some crazy troll JUMPED on me about it and next thing I knew had a 176 p-ness on one comment, wet dreams indeed (plus it took my 70 somethin p-score to 90 almost overnight!) keep up the good work, you have the RISEN Jesus's blessing, for what it's worth :)

  3. PartyMarty

    Bet "Bad Student" Obammar cheated his way into being editor of the Harvard Law Review too.

    1. Beowoof

      Really that Subway gig got Jared a hook up with a Trump kid? Well Trump kids probably needed to find a guy with a steady income as Dad keeps losing his imaginary fortune. I wonder if Flo is available to hook up with a Trump son? (Does he have any sons who admit relationship)?

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        this is too funny, not 10 seconds after posting the previous comment a Subway commercial singing the praises to Jared came on the radio, synchronicity indeed!

  4. mumbly_joe

    To be fair, do we have any PROOF that Obama isn't Trump's son-in-law????!!!! (!!)

    I bet Trump ghost-wrote his books, also, too. (!!!!!) (?) !

    1. Beowoof

      I don't know if Donald would have the time to ghost write, after all can you imagine the effort it takes to get a Casino in Atlantic City in bankrputcy three times.

      1. mumbly_joe

        About this. Snarkoff, but I think I do have a pretty good idea of how that happened. The key is to note that, starting with his very first project for daddy dearest, he's always been investing other peoples' money.

        If I were to guess, I'd say he suffers from a terminal case of reach exceeding grasp. It's not terribly uncommon in the business -particularly the small business- world: business meets with some early successes, decides to renovate or expand, encounters cost overruns or a lean period at roughly the same time as that reinvestment effort, and suddenly runs out of money and needs to shutter.

        The lesson, and it's usually a difficult one, especially for first-time, small business-owners to grasp- is don't bet more than you can afford to lose. It's also a lesson any executive of any outfit should take to heart, and Trump seems conspicuously incapable of learning that particular lesson.

  5. cheaphits

    Wonder how Jared Kushner did in school there at Harvard? He didn't go the Harvard law but instead New York University Stern School of Business (which daddy owned) and then New York University School of Law .

    Barry was,after all, the president of the Harvard Law Review.

    1. Negropolis

      Looking up Kushner, it seems he made a shitload of money, and how he did all of that while in college is beyond me. Must be nice to be able to invest daddies money and buy newspapers with it.

      Honestly, I don't fault a kid for being rich, but please, god, please don't try to pass it off as a result of pure merit.

  6. Schmannnity

    Ivanka married I wanna go to Harvard? He should have gone to the University of Hawaii at KomonIwannalayyou.

  7. Terry

    Ok, so Harvard admission can be bought. What about the next step? You have an idiot rich kid enrolled. Do they let him just skim his way through? That should be the real shame on the school.

  8. mumbly_joe

    It sounds like our next First Family will be quite upstanding citizens, unlike that current resident who rolls around in his own feces. (We’re talking about the dog. We think.)

    Must. Resist. Urge. To. Completely. Play-out. Meme……

  9. ManchuCandidate

    I'm stunned. Rich White people would never do that…. of course they would as they couldn't get in any other way.

    See aunt and uncle? Don't blame the blacks for your stupid kids not getting into Hahvahd. Blame the entitled white losers whose daddies bought them a place.

  10. weejee

    Four years at Harvard for $2.5M? Well by the time you add interest and all for those beloved student juice loans, that's about what you'll pay for 4 years at yer average cow college. This is Trump fair, er fare, ah….I has a confused – teh maths are hard.

  11. EdFlintstone

    Yes but he was doing important work at Harvard perfecting the technology for the double lattice comb-over.

  12. riverside68

    Teh Donald looks like he's getting pretty close to that colored guy, guess he does have friends of color, or at least hot sweaty rasslin buddies of color!

  13. WinterOuthouse

    Weren't they whining a couple years ago about Sotomayor? Teh brown can never get an education based on merit… only the whites can achieve that fine goal

  14. Naked_Bunny

    Don't tell the FLOTUS that rolling around in feces is great exercise for the children, please.

  15. bumfug

    OT but thanks, Larry Flynt – somehow I doubt the dipshit right will get very far with boycott threats against you.

  16. AKbum

    She'll get a degree from Yale Law School and end up arguing before SCOTUS on the case that affirms the giving of food to the poor as unconstitutional. That's the way things work now. I guess.

  17. Not_So_Much

    Did you see 'Social Network'? Apparently, everyone is a douche or a twin. Or a douchey twin. NO THANKS!

  18. WinterOuthouse

    Meg Whitman is involved in this somehow. I just have to think. Oh yeah. Her son is stupid and violent, I remember. Typical rich entitlement, no laws apply 'cause I be rich.

  19. pinkocommi

    "I pledge allegience to the flag of the United States of America
    and to the plutocracy, for which we stand…."


  20. SayItWithWookies

    Trump can't understand how President Obama was able to transfer from Occidental to Columbia and then get into Harvard because he heard Obama was a bad student. This is a man who apparently wants to fire off an investigation every time he "hears" that someone he doesn't like might've done something iffy — and if Jerome Corsi is Trump's threshold of evidence, a Trump presidency would make Dubya's eight years look like a model of restraint, multilateralism and thoughtful planning.

    1. pinkocommi

      Barry transferred to Columbia in 1981 and graduated in 1983 – before the undergraduate school Columbia College went coed. I have heard that the admissions standards were pretty low in the last few years before women were allowed. Because women make everything better :)

      1. emmelemm

        Hey, now, don't make me have a sad. This lady right here went to Columbia in 1990. Admission standards were still of the highest!

    1. mumbly_joe

      I would have gone with By-Marriage Libel, but I am still going to upfist, for being on the same Radio frequency.

  21. CalamityJames

    Speak for yourself. Mine gets its luminescence from the fleshlight.

    See what I did there?

  22. Buckminster

    For a guy who's supposed to be such a smart negotiator, he certainly backed himself into a shit-filled corner. Nice going, bobblehead.

  23. CalamityJames

    I'm simply waiting for the lame and tired huddled masses to make their way over to fist this thing into the record books.

    Any minute now.

    1. natoslug

      We're gonna have to lie around and fist each other, it looks like. How 'bout I sing a little Neil Diamond to get you in the mood?

      "Turn on your fleshlight . . ."

  24. Tundra Grifter

    So his son-in-law getting into Harvard was sorta like the audience not going to see "Atlas Shrugged." Only backwards.

  25. Pragmatist2

    And then there is Donald's big sister, Maryann Trump Barry, who, after a mediocre law career and a large donation by Donald to the Republican Party, became a Federal judge.
    Only in America.

  26. Texan_Bulldog

    If he's trying to make people hate Snowbilly less by transferring that seething hatred to him, he's doing a BANG UP job!

    BTW, God forbid a 'journalist' ask the Donald WHO specifically says Barry was a 'bad student'. Shit, I can say that 'people say Donald Trump sodomizes squirrels in his basement' but I would hope that someone would ask me who said that & not just take it as the freaking gospel!

    1. Nothingisamiss

      I think people should accept what you say as the gospel.

      People would only believe it, though, if you were talking about Barry. Then you'd have a book contract, web site and talk show deal.

  27. Doktor Zoom

    Clearly, this raises big questions for Donald Trump. Like, who exactly was it that came up with the $2.5 million to get Obama into Harvard? WHAT IS HE HIDING???????

  28. Warpde

    So daddy is getting pounded in the butt so he could get his kid an education?
    Now that's love.

  29. DemonicRage

    Republicans who are eager to vote for the man with the orange vole on his head should stop and think: would a man of this temperament be able to deal dispassionately with international threats such as Hugo Chavez?

  30. emmelemm

    Sorry, I meant I had heard the phrase "gentleman's C" with regard to Dubya's time at Yale, although he may have gotten similarly mediocre grades at Harvard. (Do they grade on the A-B-C scale at MBA school, or is it more like pass/fail?)

    1. dizzeeboy

      From what I've heard, back in '70s it was Honors Pass, High Pass, Low Pass. No Fail. May have changed since, but I'm too apathetic to follow up.

      1. Gopherit

        Very nice. You obviously are worthy of the MBA if you could get into the program. Yay for welfare for wealthy stupid kids.

        1. dizzeeboy

          By the by, the MSc Finance program at the John Molson School is a different breed entirely. We're research nerds here, cursed with math skills, proud/grateful not to be MBAs.

          1. Gopherit

            lol. yeah. MBAs from harvard helped us recently…..i hope the MSc Finance guys can actually bail us out eventually.

    2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      During the 2000 election, I read about some writer who wrote the following joke for Al Gore for one of those humor dinners, after the New Yorker published his and W's undergrad transcripts:

      "You may have seen that I did not get very good grades my first year at Harvard. But you have to remember: that was the year I invented the bong."

      Al didn't use the joke. I would have had tremendous respect for him if he had.

      1. emmelemm

        Ha! You have replied to two of my posts and now I follow thee! :) May it increase your P commensurately.

        1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

          Blessings and peace be upon you, Emm. I don't think that more disciples means more pee, but I appreciate your endorsement.

          I have reciprocated, and fisted.

          1. emmelemm

            Well, like most, I remain mystified by the complicated and surely proprietary metrics of the IntenseDebate "pee" system, but I did notice a few comments about the "I follow everybody, again and again" troll to the effect that he's* just shooting himself in the foot, really, because more followings increases one's pee, despite perhaps increased downfistings on individual comments.

            I also noticed once that when someone else "followed" me, my pee went up very shortly thereafter. Could be a coincidence, of course.

            Also, I am an Emm! I'm an Emm L. Emm.

            Also also, the Weiner 'fro pic gets me every time. Every.Time.

            *Assuming troll is a "he". Actually, troll is most likely a blobous, relatively asexual life form confined to a dark corner of its basement.

  31. shermanoaksjeff

    It smells like he also bought his way into NYU. Per wikipedia: he graduated from Harvard in 2003. That same year (i.e., around the time sonny-boy would be looking at graduate schools), his dad leases NYU three floors of a building for 15 years. Kushner graduates from NYU in 2007 with two graduate degrees.
    Dad just happened to do a real estate deal with NYU the same year son is looking to get into graduate school???

  32. BlueStateLibel

    I hope Donald keeps it up; I've been trying to understand this whole Karma thing, now thanks to him, I understand it perfectly.

  33. donner_froh

    unlike that current resident who rolls around in his own feces. (We’re talking about the dog.

    The President's dog is hypo-allergenic. Doesn't that mean it doesn't produce icky stuff like feces?

  34. Nothingisamiss

    He is no doubt, another Bill Kristol in the making. And no, I'm not going down the list…Tucker Carlson, Jonah Goldberg……

  35. Nothingisamiss

    Well, Grandaddy was on the admissions committee at Yale, if I remember, old Conneticut money and all. Which is SO WEIRD since Bush is a Texan regular guy.

  36. El Pinche

    Next on Trumps plate: Prove that Obama's secretly divorced , secretly filed for bankruptcy over and over and over and over again, and uses a dead possum to hide his baldness.

  37. Schmannnity

    "I have friends who have smart sons with great marks, great boards, great everything and they can't get into Harvard."

    Friends of Trump does not sound like Assholes Anonymous, maybe more like Assholes Announced. It might explain some outcomes. Also, does he not have friends with daughters who are smart?

  38. Negropolis

    Ok, so when is Obama going to righteously rise up with fists, and get some of his buddies to sue the fuck out of Trump for all of this slander he's dabbling in? You know, there is always the talk of getting out of the way when your enemy is destroying themselves, but doesn't something eventually have to be done with all of this? We've been putting up with this stupid shit for over two years, now. When do we start releasing scandalous information on these fools?

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