Conservatives are postively livid this week that their messiah rose from the dead once again Sunday to see his shadow and declare there would be six more weeks of hunks of chocolate shaped like rabbits and chicken eggs and Obama didn’t put out a statement about it. Obama was too busy running his three wars to acknowledge the day Americans gather to put fake neon grass into baskets and drop unfertilized baby chicken capsules into vinegar and food coloring? OF COURSE. TYPICAL. But according to the-wolrd is-ending blog Now the End Begins, lightning struck the White House and now the world is ending because God is mad at him or something.
Barack Hussein Obama ignored Easter yesterday. He issued no statements of any kind, no “Happy Easter”, no nothing. By comparison he has issued glowing, effusive statements of praise for each and every Muslim holiday since he took office. Hasn’t missed one of them. So it is quite interesting that yesterday as believers celebrated the Risen Lord Jesus around the the globe, that the God of Heaven who controls the wind and the weather chose to strike the White House with lightning. And something tells me that there’s more coming…stay tuned.
“A storm rapidly materialized in the Southern sky, and swept from the National Mall toward the White House. Instantly, there seemed to be lightning bolts dropping out of the heavens all around 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue–and the wind kicked up dramatically.
Something tells us more is coming too. Zeus is back with a vengeance, upset heathen America abandoned Greek mythology, and is ready to going to pelt the U.S. with his signature bolts of lightning until it gets back in line with that ol’-time religion.
Or, you know, some weather could have happened. [Now the End Begins]
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Obama was just powering up.
Actually Obama was probably having his final battle with John McCain and at last took his quickening.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!
http://www.trmk.org/images/mkdcu/Raiden_Render.jp...
If DBZ is any indication, he turns into a white guy? And then he wins the election in a landslide, because all the wingnuts forget why he was supposed to be so bad in the first place.
Unfortunately, he seems also to be following DBZ in taking his entire first term to power up.
Uh uh. that was Michelle. The President forgot to take out the trash – again.
SHAZAM! It doesn't take the wisdom of Solomon to know he was calling down the lightning! Sorry, my nerd is showing.
Well if the world is going to end soon, at least wait until after the Yankees come to Seattle, I have tickets to all three games.
When I was emerging from the metro station at the Mall earlier this month, these guys were handing out pamphlets informing me that the world is gonna end on May 21st of this year. I hope they got the date wrong, because I already have my plane tix and condo rented for the second weekend in June down in Puerto Penasco.
And I'm goin' to Tahoe in July… gonna play me some Pokerz… Hooray!
I need to get my deck done, because I plan on sitting on it, smoking cigars and drinking rye whiskey at the end.
Once the Yanks get swept by Seattle, you'll know the endtimes are nigh.
I assumed it was Malia was just working out the kinks on her science fair project.
And yet, there the White House still stands, a testament to your puny god's impotence. Mwahahahaha!
Once again, Ben Franklin proves mightier than god.
And She couldn't even take out a regional hub airport, either!
I think it's because he didn't release a statment about the Thor trailor.
I think god thought W was still president.
God's been busy – what with 6 billion of us to keep track of and whatnot.
Well it didn't blow up did it?
The Zeus has risen!
ooh scary – meanwhile Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and many other red states have actual serious damage thanks to God.
I'm glad to see she has a sense of humor.
That was a blasphemous rumor started by Depeche Mode.
There is a tornado warning right now in Texas. If my house is destroyed, I'm going to sue the Baptists.
But not the Westboro Baptists, because, well, God Hates Fags.
Odd how they don't blame their god for the damage, but right now Rick Perry is praying for the shit to end.
And for federal aid, the secession thingy haven't been tabled for another couple of months.
I think those wild fires are giving Rick Perry of the vision the plans the almighty has for his future.
"Oh, Lord, spare us from this disaster — which you also sent…"
Well, that's because they know it was God sending a message that… oh, it was just foul weather and some were stuck in it? No message from God?
OK.
And people down here never recognize the obvious message, that God really has it in for trailer parks.
Trailers definitely attract tornadoes. Scientists remain baffled.
Elderly Irish neighbor said, "The good Lord's after punishin' those people for the shameful way they treat the blacks".
What happened down in those Red States, there must be some gay marrying, butt secks happening for the almighty to rip the whole place down.
Kind of interesting, idn't it? God hates liberals and loves wingnuts yet with the exception of the occassional California earthquake, red states get battered yearly by hurricanes and tornadoes when their abject greed doesn't trigger massive man-made disasters to boot. If you're keeping score at home, I don't think I'd be pulling out the "god controls the skies to smite Obama" card, if I were this particular wingnut….
And what color was the lightning?
Need I say more?
Isn't that Everclear too?
Sounds like a scene from "Young Frankenstein!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPmVhyHBRAM
Walk this way…
Blucher…..
What knockers!
Give him the sedagive!
PUT!
THE CANDLE!
BACK!!
God is such a fucking micromanager.
I thought the lightning meant that Michelle had reached orgasm.
If that's the case, please put the next Presidential sexy time on pay-per-view. You know even the wingnuts are gonna watch just to see if it's true.
Deficit solved!
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
And free the Moomia…
But hold the Cracker!
that's what I say when I use the bathroom.
It's what I say during orgasm. Either that or "boom goes the dynamite".
And, Jack, when Jesus comes out and sees his shadow, it means six more years of war. Get your traditions correct.
I thought it meant 6 more seeks until Summer.
Only if you follow the Lunar Calendar.
Obama was just in the process of a quickening.
There can be only one!!
Beat me to it, dagnabbit!
The real question is whose power did he absorb?
WOTAN, dammit, WOTAN! you damned atheists.
It's the end of days, but I'm smiling because I've got three digits on my p-ness.
I usually keep five digits on mine, but that's because I like the extra pressure.
Ain't no pressure like gay pressure.
For God so loved my comments that he laid 3 digits on my p-ness on Good Friday, while his only son hung by his bloody wounds. Dude is mean when he drinks, ya know.
Well, his son had already come once, so it's only fair that God fingered your p-ness for a while.
I know, right? Talk about a long refractory period. . .a fella could break his neck working for a second.
If you're at risk of breaking your neck, maybe take off the noose and stick with the wetsuit and butt plugs. There's not reason to go full Fundie.
Welcome, welcome to the Meaningless Achievement Club! Now you have to memorize a reading from Obama's 2004 convention speech for your Pee Mitzvah. Today, you are a TruckNutz!
It's probably not Zeus, but that other thunder god, Thor, doing some guerrilla marketing for his new movie coming out soon.
So you're saying Sarah Palin is God?
Jesus Shrugged.
Oh, I wish I could give you another up thumb.
So just today we have feminist pressure, gay pressure, lesbian pressure, and now . . . extreme low pressure?
We are under a lot of pressure
Would that be the same God who smites children by the thousands and it's not our place to judge, although we may of course deduce away from this little caper?
God only kills babies because he needs more little angels in heaven.
And my sincere sympathy to anyone here who has lost a baby/child.
Then why didn't the lightning strike when he was out on the lawn? You know, when he was taking part in the Easter celebration?
it was a warning shot across his forward bow, so to speak.
God's Twitter message to President Obama:
"I know you don't really believe in me, but could you issue a statement saying I'm the Lord of Hosts on the day I rise?"
Jeebus's twitter message to Obama:
"Hi @BarackObama I noticed that you didn't really cover the fact that I Am Risen. How come? Is it because you're a seekrit muslin? @jjmnolte #tcot #payattentiontomeeeeee"
Someone check if Joe Biden's head is still in place.
National Mall hates the White House, nuf said.
That's what they get for wooden eggs.
Next year have PEEPS DAMMIT.
I had a chocolate covered Peep on Easter. It was so heavenly, that Jesus smiled. Nothing is better than a chocolate covered Peep, except for Jelly Babies, but they don't sell them around here.
Sorry. Chocolate covered Peeps are an orgasmic experience and I just got carrie away at the memory.
Hey, Gentiles, Peeps are made- by the Just Born company-owned- like everything else- by my people-the Jews. The Borenstein family owns Peeps!
"Peeps are made- by the Just Born company-owned- like everything else- by my people-the Jews."
So, Peeps are made by your peeps?
"A storm rapidly materialized in the Southern sky, and swept from the National Mall toward the White House."
It was a gay pressure system sweeping down out of Canada (or Fire Island?) that did it, Jim Cantore told me.
Kenneth Branagh wants to make sure his next movie isn't such a flop.
So apparently, according to these self-righteous assclowns, the folks in Vilonia, Arkansas must've also missed a prayer meeting or two.
I made the mistake of poking around that website and yes: the south is being punished. Punished for…an out of control porn industry?
Personally, I think it was Obama was just getting rid of the last Highlander.
He was later seen erratically driving one of his limos around town, with a shrieking Mrs Biden in the passenger seat, singing "New York, New York." Yep, that's right, don't let the conservatives know, Obama is The Kurgan.
Between this and "Under Gay Pressure," it might be Queen day at Wonkette.
So it is quite interesting that yesterday as believers celebrated the Risen Lord Jesus around the the globe, that the God of Heaven who controls the wind and the weather chose to strike the White House with lightning.
You're welcome!
~
I thought it was the one who controlled the wind and the weather was named Ororo Iqadi T'Challa, née Munroe.
Obama just cut the head off of another Highlander.
It's a good thing the timing of Easter is based on pagan moon worship. If Easter were on the actual anniversary of Christ's resurrection (as if anyone knew when that was), then a thunderstorm on April 24, 2011, would have been met with indifference.
A couple days after Passover.
Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong
That was the Libyans trying to steal the DeLorean time machine thing-y.
Nothing to see here.
I give you many pluses for the slightly less-tread but still extremely funny alternative to the "Highlander" references.
Could O-Bam really be this diabolical? Is he purposely dodging the traditional "Easter Sunday message from your president" just so right-wing nuts can get worked up and excited about it and write all kinds of hysterical, guanoloco diatribes to go along with their birther diatribes and thus basically alienate everybody who isn't crazy? Is this the reason he doesn't release his "long-form birth certificate?" Is he deliberately feeding the crazy?
If so, is it a wise policy? Is he underestimating the power of American crazy? Is he playing with fire? Can he really be sure that Donald Trump wouldn't make a formidable opponent in a general election?
Well… yeah, I guess he can be sure of that. I'm very, very cynical about the American electorate at this point, but not that cynical.
Besides, when "protestors" pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege of getting into a fundraising event so they can protest his policies to his face by singing a song and flashing their boobs and then end it with "we're going to vote for you anyway" and "we love you" I guess that might feed the guy's smug sense of invulnerability. I mean, these are the people protesting against him, and even they can't escape the magic.
Wait…they flashed their boobs?
Yes, they lifted their shirts and flashed their boobs. Although, of course, they were wearing another shirt underneath the first shirt so they flashed their boobs but they really didn't.
You see, it was a very thematic protest.
In addition to the pair Doktor Zoom posted previously, here's yet another link-heavy link debunking your "diabolical" bullshit.
As your link points out, Mr. Grumpypants, Obama did not issue a "proclamation" like a normal Christian president, so you've got two choices: either a) he's a Muslim sleeper born in Manchuria who is here to kill Angela Lansbury in accordance with Sharia law, or b) I'm right.
It's your choice.
"Grumpypants"?! Dude, I'm not even wearing pants!
Irregardlessly, 'M', I would like to sincerely apologize for incorrectly, yet unintentionally, insinuating that your meta-ironisnarkastic endorsement of the feckless, fact-less, never-ending NObama Easter bullshit was in any way, shape, or form the least bit non-meta-ironisnarkastic through my inarticulate use of the word "your" rather than "the" near the close of my comment, and furthermore, I would also like to add that you've got two choices: either a) butt, or b) ear.
It's your choice.
"guanoloco" is a wonderful coinage! I gave you a point. Wish it could have been more.
What the fuck is this guy bitching about? Obama was out there for the egg-roll thing, wasn't he? Or did he substitute Alien or velociraptor eggs for the kiddies to find?
out there in his 'dad'pants.
Nothing says "Easter" like a facehugger.
Bring on the locusts or STFU!
I have connections with the Whitehouse's Igor. Barry's just trying to resurrect his popularity with the left.
Yeth, marthter. Ath we thay, "What goeth around, cometh around… or thtopth."
I wish I had enough thumbs to cover the Disk to give to you.
I'm good on thumbth at the moment, marthter, but do keep uth in mind when you can thpare a hand.
Gonna need a bigger storm.
No love for his peeps.
I have only recently discovered Peeps, so I laughed a lot at that post.
Trying to scare us with scary weather stuff. Wow, that's really not that scary at all! Not like, for instance, breaking down in some shithole southern town surrounding by idiots who believe that sort of thing.
Doo de doo de doo…
Barack Hussein Obama ignored Easter yesterday. He issued no statements of any kind, no “Happy Easter”, no nothing.
Except for the parts where he actually did.
These fuckers just don't care about facts at all. First they criticize Obama's Easter comments for being insufficiently evangelical, and then they insist that he didn't mention Easter at all. Next, they'll say that he had the ability to use his time machine to prevent the Crucifixion, but decided against it.
If Obama prevented the crucifixion 2000 years ago, would all of today's Christians disappear? If so, I am totally down with that.
+1
+47
Suck it, Flying Pig.
+48. So there. Surely no one could find Baldar's post, while quite apposite, to be worth 49 lovefists.
Dammit, and I spent all my imaginary fisticles at Hot Topic. And I don't even wear those fucking skinny-jeans.
Perhaps he's following the example of those fundies who declare Easter, Xmas, etc., to be totally pagan? To be avoided at all costs?
well, why do you think he doesn't have a birf certificate??!!? WAKE UP, SHEEPLE
"Now the end begins". First off, I'm not even going to that site. Second, there's a bright side if the end is really beginning. We'll all get a break from this friggin lunacy.
The rapture could come at anytime. The sooner the better please
May 21st is just around the corner!
I'm looking forward to the Rupture, when all the crooked preachers and their fellow-travellers are swallowed up by the earth!
Thats what happens when you cross the streams. Biblical.
Zuul approves this comment.
Rudy?
Important safety tip.
and introducing Haley Barbour as Stay Puft.
Just our heros trying to take down the Giant Marshmallow Peep someone so carelessly microwaved. Weaver/Murray 2012!
Hey downfister, since you're so offended by this post, perhaps you'd care to have your God explain this shit.
Interesting how most of that bad weather is going on in the climate change denying red states. Maybe their god is trying to tell them something.
(No tornadoes or wind damage on Christopher St. where the heathen fags dwell – meh it's probably all coincidence)
looks like the Bible belt is getting belted.
Zeus is having a clearance on lightning bolts from Olympus?
"God is mad". Really? Has God been paying attention for the last few thousand years? And this is what get's him mad? For all you Xtians out there who wank to this stuff as the jeebus porn that it is let me officially go on record, when Jesus shows up I'm going to be the one who's mad. I'm gonna get in that hippie's face and be all "no way! you actually exist and yet you haven't done shit for 2000 plus years to stop all the crap being done in your name. That is truly management incompetence of biblical proportions, dude. You are like the Dilbert of gods, ya know." And then I'll like totally kick his ass.
Pointy-haired Boss of gods, but other than that, yeah. It's almost like god is a myth or something, with how worthless he/she/it has been of late.
But God wouldn't troll using a fake name, describing himself as a certified genius, would he?
ha! Those wiley lesbos. No doubt they have Girl Scout Abortionist Badges.
Another pet peeve of mine – the people who thank God (he has plans for me ??) when they survive a disaster of some sort or an illness, while they say about the ones who don't – well God called him/her home.
I found my keys this morning, thank god. If god didn't have to spend so much time looking over peoples' dinners and finding keys, maybe he'd have time to do a better job smiting the White House. The Jesusy Right have only themselves to blame, with all their petty prayers.
Damn God bothers
"wiley lesbos"
Are they coyote ugly?
Think Portia de Rossi. Ellen is one lucky woman.
And I'm a straight female.
"It was just God's will."
The most ridiculous statement of sympathy ever invented. "If I'd been just a second faster on pulling into the intersection, it would have been my car that the drunk guy T-boned. It was just God's will that I'm alive and that other guy was cut in half."
What kind of half-assed diety do these people worship, anyway? And why does my liberal church keep losing congregants and these cretins in dip shit churches keep gaining them? Oh, right. "It's just God's will." Bull shit. Our problem is that we don't hate anyone. Hate: it's where the Xians live.
I wonder if they also noticed that their God is giving all of Texas a burning of biblical proportions.
man…someone needs to make a bumper sticker of your avatar. There are so many teabaggers around here that I have a burning desire to mess with their heads.
I'll see what I can do.
Your Avatar, it's…perfect.
Guess it's considered a bit too retro to bow down and kiss the floor between your feet. Want some gummy bears instead, straight from my pocket? They're nice and warm.
Well obviously God hates the Cubs, otherwise Starlin Castro wouldn't have committed three errors in a row in the first inning last night.
Yeah, my standard "what the heck" scenario: Football player on team X scores touchdown, looks skyward, grabs cross necklace in hand and kisses it, then points index finger into the air to say, "Thank you, God, for favoring me. Clearly my prayers have been heard and you smile upon me because I'm more righteous than anyone else." Ten minutes later, football player on team Y scores touchdown. Lather, rinse, repeat.
So who's most righteous? Which side prayed harder? Is God paying attention? If he gave a touchdown to team X, then he must be mad at team Y, right? Except that then he gave a touchdown to team Y ten minutes later. Did team X do something to fall from favor in those ten minutes?
It just seems so ridiculous, let's call the whole thing off!
Once God fills out his bracket, nobody's prayers matter.
Win! Perfection.
Remember: everything happens for a reason; e.g., Hitler murdered 6,000,000 Jews and who know how many Gypsies, hedge fund traders and other undesirables, for a reason.
Now who can say what that reason was?
Well, in Hitler's case, it was because he was a conservative Christian.
HA! It's funny because it's true.
I didn't know about that until I was an adult-how awful that you are supposed to happy about a loved one being killed- by GOD- so he can have more company??
What a needy, murdering sociopath this God-thing is. If he was all that lonely, why don't he just make some more friends to keep him company?
Best hipster indie band name ever: The Wily Lesbos.
Even worse… The people who use their facebook status to thank god for guiding them safely home while driving their car in a big (god-induced) storm .
All of the hours and brains cells I have spent in reading Wonkette was worth it for the link to "notheendbegins." Hilarious, simply hilarious. The comments alone are worth the price of admission. If there was a price of admission, that is, because it's, you know, free.
One little bitty lightning bolt with all the weather that's been happening in the south and east? Looks more like god had bigger fish to fry……see his pre- to easter smoting of people he's supposed to like:
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&sugexp=ldymls&am...
Tiny weenie downfister – kiss my HEATHEN ass.
Conservatives'… messiah rose from the dead once again Sunday to see his shadow and declare
Why has no one rolled Pat Robertson out of his nap cave yet to regard the omen and declare us condemned for all its lesbian-lovin,' abortion-peddlin', patriot-libelin', crackervangelist-blasphemin' worth?
God was really aiming for the rooftop bar at the W Washington Hotel over on 15th, in wrathful vengeance for their outrageous drink prices and that shitty margarita they served me earlier this month.
When I went to get my mail all the mailboxes were plastered with pamphlets proclaiming "THE END OF THE WORLD IS ALMOST HERE! HOLY GOD WILL BRING JUDGMENT DAY ON MAY 21, 2011".
My complex is one of like 20 and I'm assuming the person(s) went around to each and every one. What a sad existence that miserable bastard(s) leaves.
I'm having a super blowout party on May 22. Everyone's invited!!!!
You know what else falls on a Sunday?
Me, on my third day on a bender?
Quetzalcoatl shall punish all non-believers! Him, or Enlil. Or Uhura-Mazda. Or Vishnu. The important thing is, be afraid, be very afraid.
Not me. I've accepted Spongebob Squarepants as my Lord and Savior.
Captain: Are you ready kids?
Kids: Aye-aye Captain.
Captain: I can't hear you…
Kids: Aye-Aye Captain!!
Captain: Oh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: If nautical nonsense be something you wish…
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: Ready?
EveryBody: SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants!
Captain: SpongeBob…. SquarePants! Haha.
Baron Samedi is not amused.
Invoke Mothra and she'll rescue you, if she wakes up in time!
But will the two tiny girls sing?
…or maybe it just means the Bad Brains are playing in D.C.?
Pretty sure they were banned in DC…
You, you can't hurt me
why? i'm banned in D.C.
"Barack Hussein Obama ignored Easter yesterday. He issued no statements of any kind, no “Happy Easter”, no nothing."
Except of course, for hosting an Easter Prayer Breakfast, going to church with his family, and having 30,000 people over to his house for an egg rolling contest.
I truly fucking hate these people.
What about Orthodox Easter in two weeks?
"Barack Hussein Obama ignored Easter yesterday. He issued no statements of any kind, no “Happy Easter”, no nothing."
Yeah, what's up with that?
No official proclamation of America as a Christian theocracy?
Commie.
I figured that this was the problem. Tornadoes over Arkansas, Lightning hits the White House. All because Barry forgot to drop Jesus a Re-Birthday card.
If there's one thing I learned from my Grandma, it's that Barry had better take Jesus to the Red Lobster for dinner this weekend. The nice one, by the new mall, not the one by the expressway with all the mexicans. That side of town has all the nigras and mexicans, and they drive by in their damn low-riders with the jungle music playing too damn loud. The Red Lobster by the new mall is much nicer, and they have the breadsticks. Although the Outback would be fine too. It would have been nice to get a birthday card, but at least you can show you care, even if it's a week late. And maybe you could even wear a tie, like you care about me.
There's such a thing as a nice Red Lobster?
Again, as I learned from my Grandma…
Well, you could take me to that really nice Italian restaurant that we used to go to, but I know it's probably too much to ask for you to drive all that way, since you are obviously too busy to even send a card. Besides, that side of town is full of those Vepnamese these days.
"you could take me to that really nice Italian restaurant that we used to go to"
Olive Garden?
Don't you mean a nice, white Red Lobster?
Bonus fists (not that I can deliver them) for the phrase "jungle music".
Nothing irks the ben/mal-evolent creator more than being slighted by a nation's leader.
Contrary to crazy end-of-the-world believer's belief, lightening isn't god's anger, it is god's kiss.
God DAMN America: Turns out Rev. Wright was … right.
Same storm killed 7 peeps in Arkansas; it's believed to be related to a typo in the church bulletin that read "Hallelujah–Judas is risen!"
the header on Now The End Begins looks like a couple of "bros" hot boxing a very large room with some crazy-looking pipes. Jesus appears to be wandering around aimlessly in a daze through a cloud of weed smoke. i think i've been to this party. i left when the white guy with dreads showed up.
Jesus was a magic mushroom, the early xtns were a bunch of stoners!
Today is just a bottomless well of dumbness.
While I'm completely assured of your snark-level, I have to address that final statement.
Jeebus (if the magician actually existed, which he didn't) was of Middle-eastern descent, and, according to written testimony of someone who did not live during this time, spent something like 40 days in the desert. With that said, Jeebus was probably as white as the pure-driven snow.
I'm pretty sure it was Glen Beck trying to resurrect (sic) his career, running around in bunny ears, shouting: "The sky is falling, the sky is falling….", but maybe this is just my fantasy….you decide..
Well, that's one thin-skinned creator of the universe right there.
A few hours later, a little Republican girl was found floating facedown amidst a bunch of flower petals in the Washington Monument reflecting pool. Her half-crazed father was later found nekkid inside the Lincoln Memorial muttering two words, over and over again: "Zachary Taylorstein."
Totally, especially the God of the Old Testament. "Looka me! Looka me! Or I'll kill all your children!"
And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:23-24
Don't fuck with us baldies, is what I'm getting at.
It's still okay to tease fatties, though, right?
Also, whoever wrote that bit of the bible was clearly bald and having a revenge fantasy after getting teased on the way to the Illuminarium or whatever.
That is one of my favorite passages. Or it was, until Bryan Fischer found it, and decided that some recent bear mauling was God's punishment to man, for not killing all the bears already.
Thus spake SkoalRebel:
"As Aristotle said, (leans over and spits) it's all fun and games, (leans over and spits) until Jeebus comes, (leans over and spits) down from the sky and, (leans over and spits) fucks up your shit with a, (leans over and spits) lightning strike (holds up can of Skoal to camera)."
That's jus' fuckin' GAY, man! spit
The morons are in control of this country. We are doomed, but not because God hates the White House.
Oh, All Things Considered is doing the feud between Spooky Doktor Tom and that creep, Grover Norquist.
Brett Favre?
Got pictures?
Xtine O'Donnell is Michelle's mother?
Obama just killed the Kurgan and claimed the The Prize. Duh.
You know where Bartlesville is, right? And that right wing college the Free Methodists own? The talk at the little salon in town was all about a guy from there who wrote a book about how his little boy had encounters with Jesus. "Heaven is Real." They totally believe it and, I have it on their authority, the little boy said that Jesus really is white. He's seen Jesus, so he knows. No one was skeptical about this. Except for me, but I'm a lefty so my opinion doesn't count.
Does living here ever seem surreal to you? Sure does to me.
I'd like to believe that the stupid creeped over the Kansas/Okie border into Bartlesville, but I'm afraid that it's really just homegrown creepy dumb Okies.
Witchcraft? Awesome.
All this lightning has something to do with the lesbian ladies lesbian vaginas. As soon as I figure out what I will let you know.
Do you know what other leader of a country invited the wrath of God?
Paris of Troy?
Yul Brenner?
Silvio Berlusconi?
I'd rather piss into the wind or mess around with someone named "Slim" before I offend The One True God–Zeus!!!
Lightning striking the White House can only mean that Barry and Michelle were having buttsecks. And God was watching.
Now that's a three-some!
I have nothing, these small-minded, big-bottomed racists make me want to puke.
Big bottoms are now a bad thing? How come I didn't get the memo?
Me too, but mine is high, curvy and proud, as is yours I am sure, as opposed to wide, saggy and flat due to all the scooter riding and cheetos.
…high, curvy and proud..
I give you one fist up and one fist down for that.
Why the downfist?
Yes, England sent all her Puritans to the colonies and we've been stuck with them ever since.
ASS LIBEL!
(_|_)
God also sent a tornado to damage a Lutheran church in Minneapolis during the ELCA Synod when they let teh gheys into the church. So God Hates Obama and Fags!
Lutherans Endorse Homosexuality God Sends Tornado!
Here in Texas, a fire burnt the First Baptist Church of Possum Kingdom Lake.
So, smoking or no smoking?
http://www.star-telegram.com/2011/04/24/3023298/m...
God's not gonna lie
God'll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
He'll show you his dark secret
Make up your mind
Make up your mind
And He'll promise you
He will treat you well
His sweet angel
So help Him, Jesus
Do you wanna die?
"So like many so called christians – you can go to church and have no fruit of the spirit in you"
Welcome ! If you are packing today please sit in the choir loft.
You mean God wanted to make him MORE brown?
GBAD! Every Chef's goal!
Here's a real sign of the end times: Richard Cohen wrote a column, every word of which is sensible.
Cripes on a Chocolate Popcycle, regular weather experts aren't wrong often enough?
Now we get to have the weather explained in such a way as you expect in an e-mail from your in-bred brother in law's resend of a resent internet urban legend. How is it possible that the ignorance of other fellow Americans makes my head want to explode?
They think the "urban", if you know what I mean, is what's incurring God's wrath.
OT but it's Tuesday afternoon already, and STILL no hot DC cocktail party video! The suspense is excruciating. ETA?!?!
If the Virgin Mary didn't turn up in a pancake I'm not interested.
*hopefully*
Pancakes could go in bellies.
The best part is the author of the witchcraft claim admits to making it up to see how gullible teabaggers are.
Of course he's right about the world ending. Where he goes wrong is in thinking that the world will end like some cheesy Christploitation horror flick, with a hail of lo-fi brimstone, not merely that we will all wake up one morning having lost our souls.
Holllleeee sh*t, I had to bookmark that link for further review, like, when I'm not at work.
I've said this before but I figure you all will excuse my repetition. I quit smoking. Do give me a warning if the end is near as I want to smoke again and I think I'd have a good excuse to start again.
Take up the snuff that you inhale like cocaine. Then at least you won't annoy the rest of us so much.
I swear I will go far away in the country to smoke.
Just another Baby Sacrifice to the Sky Gods. Nothin to see here, folks.
If the world was really gonna end, wouldn't the hookers be running specials?
Crap did Obama forget to celebrate Saturnalia?
Got Jesus on my neckless-esss….
Sincerely,
BHO
Oh yeah? Whaddabout the moon? How'd it get there? Whaddabout the moon? Who put it there?
"When dragons belch and hippos flee
My thoughts, Ankh-Morpork, are of thee
Let others boast of martial dash
For we have boldly fought with cash
We own all your helmets, we own all your shoes.
We own all your generals – touch us and you'll lose.
Morporkia! Morporkia!
Morporkia owns the day!
We can rule you wholesale
Touch us and you'll pay.
We bankrupt all invaders,
We sell them souvenirs,
We ner ner ner ner ner ner by the ears,
Er ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner,
Ner ner ner ner ner ner, ner ner ner ner ner,
Ner your gleaming swords, we mortgaged to the hilt.
Morporkia! Morporkia!
Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner
We can rule you wholesale
Credit where it's due."
Awesome…
A friend started giving my kiddo Pratchett novels when he was about 9; he's 13 now and has devoured most of them. Over the last year or so, I've been reading the Watch novels to the kid at bedtime (his idea); we're almost finished with Night Watch and are looking forward to Monstrous Regiment, which is one I haven't read yet.
Last year for Father's Day he got me Where's My Cow? Good kid, think I'll keep him.
You're a lucky man. I have a bit of luck myself. I gave my fiance's daughter the who Tiffany Aching series and she really digs them.
Crivens! A celebratory quote: “Romancin’ is verra important, ye ken. Basically it’s a way the boy can get close to the girl wi’oot her attackin’ him and scratchin’ his eyes oot.”
For me, this is the most apropos bit from the first book:
"They weren’t particularly funny after about the third time, but she’d miss it if he didn’t say at least one of them every week. They didn’t have to be funny—they were father jokes."
My son said he feels the same way about 2/3 of the things I say.
What's a fella got to do to get a little credit around here. God this, God that! Shit!
May you all burn in Hell,
Satan
Thought you were going to call me a “comer” for a minute there.
It surely seems that Jesus is on his way back to earth on his interstellar motorcycle. No, this isn't the hippie carpenter Jesus you remember from the bible times, this is the Chuck Norris Jesus with a mini gun.
Song of Solomon's line "I am black and beautiful" has long been considered a prophecy of Jesus. Just not by racist US Protestants.
G-d's laughing at us. He/She lets us do what we want and when the consequences (karma!) punish us, "He who sits in the heavens laughs them to scorn."
For everything frothing-at-the-mouth end-times preacher, there's fuming end-of-the-world-is-next-week-gimme-all-your-money site. Comparing and contrasting them, like wines or whiskies, is fun! My favorite is Brother R. G. Stair (The Profit). He has the kind of voice and rhetorical style you only get from decades of apocalyptic ranting at tent revivals. Listen, laugh, perhaps send him monopoly money, but for Mazu's sake, do not believe. <a href="http://www.overcomerministry.org” target=”_blank”>www.overcomerministry.org
Shango angry. Very bad ju-ju. Plenty wahalla for bwana Obama.
It's just a promo for the new "Thor" flic…
Yeah….W was kind of boring and well…yeah, but it's crowning achievment was the pretzel scene, beyond a doubt.
Not only is God/Zeus/Wotan/ Arnold Stang throwing lightning bolts, but Angel Pagan is on the disabled list.
We really are all hitting the bottle pretty hard, aren't we? Lord knows I am. Teh wonket helps us cope!
We are God's ant farm, but his comes with a magnifying glass
Inshallah, God is moving onto the Texas legislature, next.
The last person to have the "fruit of the spirit" inside them was Mary.
Silver Age all the way!
(Actually, the nickname was bestowed upon me at a McJob several years ago, by a team leader whose comics geekery puts mine to shame. It had something to do with my habit of being differently punctual to meetings)
Flying scorpions with tits or GTFO.
There's a whole lot of folks who can't tell God from The Boogeyman.
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