SPEAKETH THE OLDS  1:19 pm April 26, 2011

Pat Robertson Exposes Lesbian Plot To Rid World’s Women of Babies

by Jack Stuef


DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM. What advantage does a lesbian have over a married woman? She doesn’t have to seek love from a planet full of dickwad men, that’s right. But what deficiency does she have? She doesn’t have equal rights, correct! Wait, let’s try that again.

Robertson: That’s exactly right. And so if these married women don’t have children, if they abort their babies, then that kind of puts them on a level playing field. And you say, nobody’s there to express that? Isn’t that shocking, well think about it a little bit ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, think about that a little bit. Apparently the playing field of life for women is simply a game to see who can give birth to the most babies, according to Pat Robertson. So that Duggar lady is winning the game, whereas women who are lesbians or unable to conceive or just prefer not to have children and pursue other interests are losing.

You’d better not have a miscarriage or whatever, or you’re no better than a lesbian, ladies! In fact, if you’re not pregnant right now, you’re losing the game. Go to the 700 Club studios and rape Pat Robertson, maybe? He seems to think being pregnant is what is important, not the circumstances.

(Also, lesbian vaginas work just fine for childbirth, idiot.) [Right Wing Watch]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 309 comments }

nounverb911 April 26, 2011 at 1:21 pm

Why does Pat Robertson hate Mary Cheney?

chicken_thief April 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Cause she won't let him fill her with the Holy Syrup?

Gratuitous World April 26, 2011 at 1:21 pm

i've always said scissors are the most effective abortion tool.

Ohforcripessake April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

EEEEK!!1!

elviouslyqueer April 26, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Or a boot, if it's placed in the right place w/ enough force.

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Oh, I read that as "scissoring". Which is also great.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 26, 2011 at 5:06 pm

I sort of assumed that she was having it both ways…..

And that's what she said!

Barb April 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I think women would rather just rid the world of men who act like babies, like Pat Robertson.

jus_wonderin April 26, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I think we're going to need a bigger clothes hanger.

SorosBot April 26, 2011 at 2:32 pm

What about women who act like babies, like Sarah Palin?

Barb April 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Like Pauly Shore, that ain't acting.

nounverb911 April 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

"What advantage does a lesbian have over a married woman? "
Well for one, she doesn't have to put up with dickheads like Pat Robertson.

baconzgood April 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

No sleeping in wet spots?

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 26, 2011 at 1:35 pm

If there's no wet spots, that means you're not doing it right.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Proper attribution, please. That's Starla Fire, isn't it?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 26, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Easier cleanup?

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Less chance of accidentally getting pregnant, thus less chance of ever seeking an abortion, ever.

chicken_thief April 26, 2011 at 4:35 pm

No recovery period. But then, another period.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

i think i just broke my brane

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

B-Real likes this mem(e).

CapeClod April 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

That's what happens when you think even a little about something Pat Robertson says.

walstib April 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

So, God wants forced hot meat injections for lesbians?

I've seen some of the lesbians in Va. Beach, tell Pat to go first…

V572..whatever April 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

"Forced hot meat injections"–isn't that a new style of pizza at Domino's?

natoslug April 26, 2011 at 2:06 pm

It's the Papa John's special of the week. You'd have known that if Jack hadn't pissed off the #Trigscrewers crowd.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

& afterward, you christen your toilet as the real PapaJohns.com Bowl.

Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Are those "hot meat injections" forced w/ Gay Pressure?

AJW@[redacted] April 26, 2011 at 3:03 pm

That will in no way relieve gay pressure.

OneYieldRegular April 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Between Robertson and Allen West, conservatives appear to be doing a splendid job of trying to counter accusations that their policies amount to a war on women.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 2:20 pm

That and the fact that minorities are quickly outpacing whites as the majority of Americans. So they want white Xtian women to increase their output.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Ever hear of a book _How the Irish Became White_?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

In actual wars, they have smart bombs. Looks like the GOP's weaponry is badly outdated.

FNMA April 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm

When lesbians and babies are mentioned, all I can think of is David Crosby.

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Like Bobcat Goldthwait said, who'd they pass up before they decided on Crosby Splooge? Keith Richards?

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

Hey don't knock that Keith Richards splooge, it results in some quality product, as demonstrated by his lovely daughter Theodora .

Apparently she's an artist, too.

WhatTheHolyHeck April 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Man, I am coming in last place here. Unless you count cats, in which case I am the winner of all time and space.

fuflans April 27, 2011 at 3:02 am

yes!

Goonemeritus April 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Easy now ladies it’s not a race.

WhatTheHolyHeck April 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Tell that to OctoFauxAngelina. She's ahead by 14 already, damn puffy-lipped preggyhobo.

Goonemeritus April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

By the way has anyone checked under he recently another one or two must have dropped out by now?

WhatTheHolyHeck April 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Seriously, downfistie? I wish I had your free time. I'd be through the co-op version of Portal 2 by now.

Troubledog April 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

"My spiritual advisor forbid me to use contraception, so I used monthly free abortions to rise to the pinnacles of American capitalism."

- Dagny Taggart

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Bumpin' tacos yields no fruit.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

& a conjoined Taco Bell/Long John Silver's* smells atrocious.

*These actually exists.

WhatTheHolyHeck April 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

There's a siamese LongJohnSilver's/A&W not too far from my place and it's rank beyond belief. I think it's the onion rings.

Or the meth lab in the back.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2011 at 2:39 pm

Onion rings smell delicious, iff they are your onion rings.

Troubledog April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

It's not the bumping that gets you. It's the grinding.

LabRodent April 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

I dont see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

WABishop April 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

You'll stay for the grinding, you'll come for the bumping.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I remember when MTV rebranded that as Sisqo's Shakedown.

chascates April 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

As one of my friends, a recovering Catholic, said if only men got pregnant abortion would be a sacrament in the Church.

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Your buddy got that from Gloria Steinem's cab driver.
http://books.google.com/books?id=d6JZryGvfxYC&amp

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:14 pm

I thought Florynce Kennedy originated that saying.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

But how does Pat explailn lesbian sex being so hot?

Ruhe April 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I would dearly love to hear him asked just that question live on the air.

Papa_Uniform April 26, 2011 at 3:07 pm

He doesn't explain it. He just pants.

riverside68 April 26, 2011 at 4:24 pm

It's a miracle?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 26, 2011 at 5:09 pm

For he so loved the world, he gave us scenes of nurses getting it on?

riverside68 April 26, 2011 at 5:42 pm

Praise the Lord!

CapeClod April 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Because a married woman's first thought when she finds out that she's pregnant is 'This isn't the reason why I got married, I've got to have an abortion!"

bumfug April 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Every time Pat Robertson opens his mouth another million women give up on men forever.

Ducksworthy April 26, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Whoa. Listen up ladies. Pat is not representative of the rest of us. He is no longer a functional male and hasn't been for a long time, at least Jerry F. died.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 2:38 pm

No, but that asshat Joel Osteen is quickly moving into Falwell's position.

CivicHoliday April 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Ironically, the only tidbit of truth in his statement is that in a Darwinian sense, individuals that pass on more of their genetic material DO "win". So…Pat is a shill for evolutionary biologists? Whodathunkit

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Good thing IQ is not particularly inheritable, or we'd be in deep trouble as a species.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:16 pm

Ever see the movie "Idiocracy"?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 27, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Scientists have a saying: the plural of "anecdote" is not "evidence".
(This is a great secret, never revealed to teabaggers, creationists, or religious nuts of any flavor.)

__kth__ April 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Someone needs to tell him about the Melissa Etheridge / David Crosby thing, to put him out of our misery.

(edit: cripes, OP only up 10 minutes and still someone beat me to David Crosby? like to think I added a little extra value this time though)

nounverb911 April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Pat Robertson likes to watch.
#notintendedtobeafactualstatement

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Caveat, unspoken: White women only.

Rosie_Scenario April 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

This is always a given for Pat R. and the rest of the religious right, unless using those minorities as a useful tool. White = normal.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Pat had a lot of experiences with the "hostesses" when he was a Marine in Japan (while avoiding combat duty in Korea). How many little Pats were aborted do you think? And how many of his bastards are still around Yokosuka?

HempDogbane April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I thought a little bit about it, as Pat suggested.

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I tried too… I smell smoke now.

Maman April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I love the assumption that all women would naturally abort all of their children.

Boredw/Gravitas April 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Or the logic that if a woman is childless, then she must have aborted them all.

Ducksworthy April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

That's been Pat's experience of all the adolescent girls he's ever impregnated.

mrblifil April 26, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Goddamn these lesbians and all their inherent advantages. And I'm not talking about the ones that rub their naked oiled bodies together for my red-blooded male viewing pleasure. I'm talking about that other kind, who couldn't give a fuck what I think, and actually plan to enjoy their lives acting as if they were equal to everybody else. What the hell is wrong with these woman, that they refuse to participate in a system wherein guys like me get to decide their value based on their fuckability? GET WITH THE PROGRAM LADEEZ AMIRITE?

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

all of this gay pressure is making me feel funny.

Troubledog April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

If you have that on a DVD, plz send a copy to KLo.

Put a Richard Simmons sticker on it so she'll assume it's this month's edition of the Sweating To The Oldies subscription her sister got her for Xmas.

iburl April 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Rush Limbaugh?

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Clearly, Pat is unaware that the rainy season is approaching.

WinterOuthouse April 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

You know who else was afraid of Lesbians?

nounverb911 April 26, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Newt Gingrich?

ProgressiveInga April 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Anne Heche?

FNMA April 26, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Tom Coburn?

CapeClod April 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Alan Keyes?

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Spartans?

Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Didn't they invade the Isle of Lesbos one time?

RedneckMuslin April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

The GOP Geyhz?

weejee April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Michele Bachmann?

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Dick Cheney?

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Xerxes?

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Sissy Hankshaw? (Oh, sorry, thought you said "wasn't afraid of lesbians")

mumbly_joe April 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Bo Deitl?

mourningnmerica April 26, 2011 at 3:58 pm

That's D-I-D-L-E-Y. Glad I could help.

SorosBot April 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Warren Mears?

DashboardBuddha April 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm

The Lebanese?

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Jesus?

Lascauxcaveman April 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Not Cleopatra anyway; I hear she and Sappho got along pretty well. If you know what I mean.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm

The Indigo Girls?

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

You know who else didn't enjoy getting nailed by sweaty men?

TanzbodenKoenig April 26, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Pat Robertson? Oh, you said didn't, my bad

weejee April 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Chuck Norris?

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Eva Braun?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Me?

BTWBFDIMHO April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

The Virgin Mary?

CapeClod April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Wonder Woman?

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Jesus?

ThundercatHo April 26, 2011 at 1:52 pm

You win

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Indeed.

V572..whatever April 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Hear hear!

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Pound harder, for He hath nearly risen!

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Apply Gay Pressure!

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 9:56 am

I read that "Aptly Gay Pressure"…

Need … more… coffee.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Alice B. Toklas?

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Jesus?

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 2:06 pm

The second coming of Jesus is as righteous as the first one.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm

i hate when i don't see a good comment because i haven't refreshed the page for a half hour.

HempDogbane April 26, 2011 at 2:22 pm

On the third day it refreshes itself.

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 2:22 pm

I hate when I do that and then someone replies to my comment before I have a chance to edit or delete it.

Oh, wait…

(Since that was the Easter-esque response I was going for, I won't hold your doubling-down on Jesus against you, my son.)

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

natoslug April 26, 2011 at 2:40 pm

I'm going to wait until someone copies and posts a funny comment from another thread and then copy it and post it myself. Then see if I can figure out this whole time travel thing so that I can abort Pat Robertson, or at least convince his mom to become a lesbian.

Extemporanus April 26, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Me?

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 4:09 pm

I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

That would be thilly…

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Holy fuck, that was brilliant!

SorosBot April 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Sappho of Lesbos?

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 2:48 pm

G-ddamn do I love this thread and each and every one of you. Perfection.

mourningnmerica April 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I was thinking the same thing. Possibly the best one ever.

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 1:00 am

Maggie Thatcher?

baconzgood April 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

You hear that women! GOD WANTS YOU ALL TO FUCK ME!

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Let's not get greedy here. Remember, we're all doing it for Jesus.

WinterOuthouse April 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Fuck for Jeebus. Now that is something everybody can get into…

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:04 pm

Well, he DID establish his divinity by keeping a wedding party up to their ears in booze. And you know what happens after wedding parties…

WABishop April 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

WITHOUT a condom!

baconzgood April 26, 2011 at 2:30 pm

Con-dome? I don't know what you're talking about.

Dr_Zoidberg April 26, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Why would lesbians abort babies? Aren't girl babies future partners? And boy babies future sperm donors?

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

There's no point, since all the cats will just suck the breath from the babies while the lesbians sleep under their dream catchers.

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

As I've mentioned before, I once read a neo-nazi tract which argued that gay Jewish doctors (assisted by Jewish lesbian nurses, and yes, the pamphlet insisted on the gender role distinction) were the primary force in providing abortions, because they all have a big gay/lesbo sex fetish that makes them cum hard when they kill Aryan fetuses.

How I wish I were not making that up.

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Probably not from Future Sailors.

doloras April 26, 2011 at 4:33 pm

The thing about Gary Numan, right, is that he's not only a pop star, he's got a pilot's licence. Imagine that!

Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Considering the high cost of inseminations, lesbians would probably be the LAST to abort the resulting fetus.

Ducksworthy April 26, 2011 at 1:35 pm

But with the extra helping of evil. Remember Pat, Jeebus is waiting for you, Just sayin'. Might want to think about that.

chicken_thief April 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

It would be kinda cool if there was a God, but that God isn't Hayzus. So the God created a Hayjus just to fuck with Pat in the afterlife. I guess that would be a god with a sense of humor.

weejee April 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Rapture capture, take Pat now!
Rapture capture, take Pat now!
Rapture capture, take Pat now!

He's still here? Well poop. Does the Droid or the iPhone do knee mail in addition to stinging us by keeping track of every breath we take?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

You didn't click your heels three times.

Frost/Nixon/Robocop April 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Also, lesbian vaginas work just fine for childbirth, idiot.

But they taste so good after an abortion.

baconzgood April 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

You've convinced me, I'm going to catch my bus at the stop in front of Planned Parenthood.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Lesbian placenta is to die for.

DashboardBuddha April 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm

That was so wrong…but why am I laughing?

riverside68 April 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Lesbian on bisexual women:

"They leave a bad taste in my mouth"

WinterOuthouse April 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

That explains it. Lilith the Lesbian of Genesis ( you know the one. God created the first time out of dirt at the same time he created Adam, then she wanted to be on top so Adam whined and she was banished) came in my bedroom at night and stole my husband's seed. Then she went in and stole my newborn. If only there was a song to keep Lilith away, oh wait, there is, we call it a lullaby.

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Mmmmmmmm….. Succubi.

NorthStarSpanx April 26, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Sigh, wouldn't it be all so much easier for us womens if we could just immaculately conceive or collect babies floating in baskets down the river?

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Ah, yes! "Male and female created He them." Gen. 2, the alternative creation story.

Boredw/Gravitas April 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

If all these asshats would spend their time in truly constructive pursuits instead of obsessing over ladyparts, the world would be in a hell of a lot better shape.

ChessieNefercat April 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Or if all they did was obsess over ladyparts in the privacy of their mom's basement, without sharing their dootyheaded thoughts with anyone via any media, the world would be in a hell of a lot better shape.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:31 pm

If they keep their semi-intelligent disciples in a tizzy at all times, then said disciples won't notice that Pastor Blitzafritz is taking all their money and screwing their teen-age sons and daughters!

Hatrabbit April 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

Thank you Dead Man With No Soul for telling us all about the Left's 'Culture of Death'

sussemilch April 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

People who abort their babies and lesbians are on an equal playing field… mmm, ok? What playing field? The one where men don't have babies? The one where Japanese factory robots don't have babies? The one were right-wing fascist women are to scary to stick your dick in them? I'm confused to what he's trying to get at.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:35 pm

"I'm confused to what he's trying to get at."

Insofar as he has any point at all…
And assuming that anyone CARES what he thinks…

I think what this cock-bib is trying to say is that Lesbians are jealous of straight women because Lesbians can't have babbies (apparently he's never heard of sperm donors), so Lesbians want all straight women to have abortions so that they, too, will be childless and deprived of the joy and fulfillment that comes with picking shit out of a diaper.

Make sense now (if I may so abuse the term "sense")?

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

If I don't kill at least 3 babies before breakfast, I get cranky.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2011 at 5:16 pm

Lesbian babies, I hope.

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You know what? I was planning to go with snark, but instead, I think I'll go with outrage: Fuck you, Pat Robertson. My first wife and I decided, after she got pregnant even while using contraceptives, to have an abortion. It was not an easy decision, but it was absolutely the right choice at the time, and we never regretted it. In my second marriage (to a woman who, before I met her, also had had an abortion and never regretted it), we were ready to have a kid and we love him with all our hearts. For this asshat Robertson to suggest that we secretly wished to kill our son is not merely absurd, it is offensive.

The only times I regret being an atheist are when I have to acknowledge there is no hell for people like pat Robertson to go to.

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:56 pm

There's always a chance that pat is right. Won't he be surprised when he gets smoted?

CookiE_MonstA April 26, 2011 at 2:16 pm

This is the main reason I can not be an atheist. I refuse to believe that what we do here on earth has no consequences after we die. If that is true then suicide is the only sane alternative.

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Well, you could be content in the the fact that he is Pat Robertson… a sort of hell I'm sure.

MrFizzy April 26, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Dude – I appreciate the honesty, but please don't get your pressure elevated over robertson – he has a gin-soaked brain that's the size of a peach pit. He has probably "fathered" 20 aborted children that he doesn't even know about. I'm an atheist too, but I firmly believe that there must be some form of karma – when robertson returns he's going to be, well, pat robertson, a consummate fuckstick.

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

The karma is memory. As in he will be forever known as Pat Robertson. After he shuffles off of this mortal coil, this youtube video will remain, on multiple datacenters copied throughout the Content Delivery Network. We will see this long after he is dead.

And laugh.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:28 pm

He will be reincarnated as a tampon, thereby condemning him to an existence in the hoo-ha of a non-babby-producing woman, which is is least favorite thing ever.

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

The next episode of the 700 Club: Turkey Basters: Tool of the Devil?

Weenus299 April 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm

C'mon Pat, we haven't been hit by a tsunami yet, so God thnks we're still OK. Let it go.

Allmighty_Manos April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I didn't even know the 700 club was still on the air. Glenn Beck gets canned after only a year of craziness, while the ancient toadman from Va. Beach keeps this shit up for more than 20.

Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Because 700 Club is on that "special needs" religious channel, the one that doesn't respond to Gay Pressure.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:35 pm

Fire up your shortwave! SW in the US caters to people too crazed for TV or even AM radio at 3 AM.

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Well, there's sandwiches.

LeAlbatross April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Ah, Free Speech. That way, you know where the barking-mad are. Why does this planetary crap-stain get a platform? Because people love car-wrecks.

Nothingisamiss April 26, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Because people ARE car wrecks.

\fixed.

ttommyunger April 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

I thought that motherfucker was dead, fer Chrissakes! I've got a mallet, somebody find a stake, quick!

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:21 pm

decapitation, too. just to make sure.

ttommyunger April 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Then burning!

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Bury the head and the body in separate graves. Then nuke the site from orbit just to be sure.

/mixing movie metaphors

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 3:49 pm

also, put him in a vat of liquid nitrogen and shatter his frozen remains. also.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I'll bring the garlic.

???
What?
Somebody has to cook dinner.

Hatrabbit April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Hey Pat, your Netflix DVD with the Palin / O'Donnell shower scene just arrived.

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 1:44 pm

As we all learned in the last week, there is only one thing worse than baby killin' and that's making fun of babies.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Mexican, not Mexican, who can deny the succulence of a 7 Layer Burrito?

(I can, for one. Havn't had Taco Bell in over three years. & I miss it; sometimes, something fierce. Especially 7LB & Mexican Pizza.)

MozakiBlocks April 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I''d like to think that the reason the wingnuts have gone so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs lately over the gheys and the womens is that deep down inside they realize that they are losing the "culture wars".

And that this is indeed their last hurrah as the country changes all around them.

I'd also like a purple unicorn too…

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Religion is one mean SOB when cornered with truth.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Absolutely.
They don't understand that threatening to throw all the Hispanics out of the country and telling the 18-34 age group that they want to take away their Social Security, might alienate those groups.
Like Sun Tzu said "Never interfere with your enemy when he is destroying himself."

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Pardon ignorance: was that actually one of Sun Tzu's maxims? (Cause it's totally true.)

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:37 pm

I'm afraid I have faith in humanity. As one set of bad ideas and evil practices go out of fashion, another will become all the rage. Like Muslim-hating replacing Jew-hating. The atheists, too, are capable of being every bit as obnoxious as the theists. Look at the history of Communism!

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

The metaphor of a cornered animal (something non-cute, like a rat) comes to mind.

Hatrabbit April 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Downfister, every time you downfist me you abort a Baby Jesus from my heart.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

& I appreciate, as does Ichiro, that Tentacles have been incorporated into the mating ritual.

pinkocommi April 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

If Pat Robertson continues to be such a dick, he may make us all lesbians.

CapeClod April 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

Now why would a lovely and intelligent woman such as yourself consider doing that?

DashboardBuddha April 26, 2011 at 1:53 pm

Given my preferences, I'm already a raging lesbian. All I need now is a Subaru.

horsedreamer_1 April 26, 2011 at 2:38 pm

When I mentioned Jello last week, I did an image-search & found this. Not as cool* as the one of Axl wearing the same shirt (c. 89, so, before he got fat), but it'll do. http://www.nndb.com/people/279/000026201/biafra03…"

*The last rock n' roll band, GN'R.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:41 pm

"If Pat Robertson continues to be such a dick, he may make us all lesbians."

Ooh! Dibs on Nicole Kidman!

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

You have to admit, though, that whole line seems to have an effect on conservatard women. Pat was planning to round second with that hot little missy.

EatsBabyDingos April 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

Hye Pat, just shove some blood diamonds up your ass and you won't get pregnant.

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 1:48 pm

"Theirs was not an evil love, but evil did come of it."

Ducksworthy April 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

Apparently the downfister troll has a serious fetus fethish.

Dear Sir, Fapping to Fetishes (and also young children) is frowned upon here.

mumbly_joe April 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

So, what, no lesbians ever adopt? Because by Robertson's illogic, if lesbians can adopt, then they wouldn't need to kill other peoples' babbies, to win parenthood.

Oh, wait, Pat Robertson also wants to make it so the gheys can't adopt, either, doesn't he.

V572..whatever April 26, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Don't even tell him about surrogates, sperm donors, etc. Just let him go peacefully, spewing hate-filled nonsense that not even the right listens to anymore.

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 2:07 pm

Come to me, my turkey-baster baby

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Wouldn't be too sure about that last part… {sigh}

genxr April 26, 2011 at 1:53 pm

I want to see him try to leg press 1,000lbs while saying that.

AynWithStupid April 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Well now I've just wiki'd myself into a tailspin. Robertson's dad was an Episcopalian attorney who practiced law in Lexington VA and went on to become a conservative Democrat, serving as both state senator and congressman. Pat must have gotten saved over the radio by Norman Vincent Peale in his prime. Attending Lexington's good ol' boys' college in proximity to five ladies' finishin' schools within a yokel's yodel across the valley, you can't emerge without having watched passels of 'horny, yet chaste' girls do more than tip cows in the paw patch for kicks. I would invite the old chintz-mouth to revisit some salient memories of his Sigma Alpha Epsilon extracurriculars, before the Power-of-Positive-Thinking hobgoblins would go on to put a dent in his partying ways.

V572..whatever April 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

It's also "important to note" (to coin a sparkling and brilliant new phrase) that Pat's daddy did everything he could keep his boy far, far away from the forward edge of the battle area in Korea.
http://www.schlatter.org/liquor.htm

MozakiBlocks April 26, 2011 at 2:58 pm

As a graduate of one of those nearby women's colleges, I witnessed the following exchange between one of the lovely young ladies and a fine upstanding member of one of the W&L fraternities

LYW "I like this punch but don't want to get drunk"
UPF "Well now honey, just suck/eat some of the orange slices you'll be fine"

The lovely young woman obviously had no idea that citrus absorbs pure grain alcohol quicky and eating a few slices will get you staggering drunk faster than your panties can drop to the floor.

I let her in on this little secret and took the wind right out of frat boys sails, so to speak…

AynWithStupid April 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

one of those nearby women's collegesabsorbs pure grain alcohol quicky

Appreciate that flashback down memory lane…
Just to be clear (not everclear — *ha*): my descriptors tend to reflect the voice I'm supplying for raconteur purposes.. so "finishin' school" was not meant to indicate how I feel about the schools; it is how my parents' generation, slightly younger than Mr. Robertsons', referred to them back in the day.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Don't forget his years as a USMC whoremonger in Yokosuka, Japan! (He pulled strings at the last minute and got re-assigned from combat duty to inspecting "massage parlors.")

unclejeems April 26, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Well, Brother Pat has taken up the mantle of Brother Jerry, who blamed 9/11 on gays and lesbians. Shitty minds run in the same sewer.

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Oh my, don't get him started about Sappho.

mumbly_joe April 26, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Oh man, now some terrible part of me wants to put Pat Robertson and Allen West in a room together, along with a surreptitiously located recording device.

ETA: oh man, on my first attempt, I managed to misspell Robertson, located, and device, but not surreptitiously. How is it only Tuesday?

dahboner April 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Think about it a little bit…

I’m having trouble thinking that little, Pat…

MarionNYNY April 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

I have a batty old uncle who says stupid shit all the time. Can I go on the tv with him and rake in millions of tax free dollars? I'd like to use it to buy more abortions, please.

lowaltflier April 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

“The far left is livid about killing babies.”

I was tiring to think of something to say but I can’t. Because I am just fucking Livid.

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Wait, I don't get it. They are LIVID about killing babies? That means they very much DO NOT LIKE killing babies, which would imply that they DON'T like abortion. Did he mean they're absolutely "crazy" about killing babies, meaning that they're so excited they're whipped into a frenzy? Anyway, get a dictionary, fucker.

WinterOuthouse April 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

These are the stupid fucktards that want to run everything. VOTE people. 'Cause this is the alternative.

V572..whatever April 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

If I want to attack Miche1e Bachmann, does that make me a Lesbian? Actually that'd be fine.

DahBoner April 26, 2011 at 2:13 pm

Someone should start marketing a Pat Robertson strapon dildo to his congregation mailing list.

That would be hilarious!

Doktor Zoom April 26, 2011 at 3:06 pm

The man already is a fuckstick, so why not monetize that fact?

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 2:16 pm

"Look, honey, this shirt ain't gonna iron itself."

Nothingisamiss April 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm

accidental downfist! Upfist!

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 4:13 pm

It's off to the Isle of Misfisters for you, Nothingisamiss-y.

(ya got my upfist just the same)

dsgruntled April 26, 2011 at 2:17 pm

Which is worse? Lesbians aborting babies by having gay sex, or priests, preachers and boy scout leaders wasting thier baby batter on already born boys.

widestanceroman April 26, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Father Ted said that would be an ecumenical matter.

jqheywood April 26, 2011 at 2:18 pm

I see what you did there…

Bonus for the Cowgirls ref.

ChessieNefercat April 26, 2011 at 2:21 pm

If they were the three year old tots with the adorable high-pitched, squeaky, lisping, garbly, unintelligible voices that seem to be all the rage for radio ads for banks, political candidates, car dealers, etc., up here, then try as I might, I cannot work up a lot of outrage. Carry on, but I suppose you should squash gently.

I'm agonna get downfisted, aren't I?

timbo71351 April 26, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Nice to hear from the American Taliban.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

i like to call them Crusader-Americans.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 4:01 pm

I think they need to be forced into the caves while Predator Drones circle silently overhead, watching and waiting.

weejee April 26, 2011 at 2:24 pm

OT, but not really…

Jerry Falwell's Liberty University implicated in lesbian kidnapping plot. Jebus weeps.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

i'm reading The Handmaid's Tale right now but i haven't reached the back story, yet. does Pat make an appearance? should this article have notified me of a *SPOILER ALERT*?

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 3:02 pm

You didn't recognize Pat's son Fred?

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

haven't gotten to him having any character development, yet. so far he just seems like a prop. i'm assuming there's more to the character later on?

MrFizzy April 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Hey, I have a bad haircut – I want to be part of the lesbian plot too!

kissawookiee April 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Gotta hand it to the man for absolutely nailing the economic realities of gender difference: for women to achieve an equal playing field, they must be able to control their reproduction.

See also: clock, broken, frequency of correct time display.

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Abortion and the Politics of Motherhood by Kristen Luker

See: Thesis thereof. Written in 1985. It's an excellent book.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Comments like this are one reason why I love this site.

carlgt1 April 26, 2011 at 2:53 pm

you can't even parody such supreme idiocy….

Sue4466 April 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Thought about it. Still makes no fucking sense. Except maybe grandpa slipped off his meds.

Gopherit April 26, 2011 at 3:02 pm

Pat is so right. I, for one, care not to live in a world where my existence would revolve solely on my being continuously milked of my semen for the benefit of my lesbian masters.

Wait, what the hell am I saying?

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Truly a student of the human condition.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Why do you hate The Amazons?

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Because they cut one of their tits off! The natural two is better!

smitallica April 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

As a proud member of the Liberal Culture of Death, I hope Pat Robertson will get to partake of our culture very, very soon.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

it's funny that you suggest that, because i have checked the copyright date a couple of times already.

bagofmice April 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

What I said before… Apologies for the repost but IntenseDebate doesn't appear to allow linked comments.

And I quote myself:

The karma is memory. As in he will be forever known as Pat Robertson. After he shuffles off of this mortal coil, this youtube video will remain, on multiple datacenters copied throughout the Content Delivery Network. We will see this long after he is dead.

And laugh.

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 3:30 pm

No worries in posting it twice.

I do take your point, and my friend and I have long had a saying: "Being a jerk is its own punishment." Sort of the correlate to "Being virtuous is its own reward."

However, it's sort of hard to take comfort in that any more. As to your point about Pat Robertson, yes, his awfulness will live on, and people will see this long after he's dead. The problem is, some people will still agree with it. Plus, despite the fact that I'm an atheist, I'm feeling more and more Old Testament-y as this decade unfolds: I really want Pat Robertson, the douche himself, to suffer. In a burning lake of fire.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

If I ever need a liver transplant, I call dibs on his!

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 26, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Lindsay Lohan as well.

poorgradstudent April 26, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Well, at least this helps prove my theory that they hate us gays because they hate the fact that they're supposed to only have sex to make babies, while we have the convenient excuse that it's physiologically impossible.

I still have no idea why they all have such a hard-on for dead fetuses, though.

Swampgas_Man April 26, 2011 at 3:44 pm

The one about being a lesbian? I've had that one for years. Just looking for a woman I can call Sir.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Women have babies, women don't have babies. How do you explain that?

baconzgood April 26, 2011 at 4:00 pm

How come My ex has two children and I have none?

anniegetyerfun April 26, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Everyone knows that it's easier to fist a woman who has given birth – Pat doesn't know the first fucking thing about bull dykes.

Toomush_Infer April 26, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Kill, baby, kill….

emmelemm April 26, 2011 at 4:02 pm

Babysitting the grand and great-grand babies. (So the state doesn't have to think about providing any kind of reasonable day care.)

GortRay April 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Dear Pastor Robertson, you worthless pile of pig puke. Please, please follow your fellow bigoted scum-maggot pal Jerry Falwell into the light of Jeebus at your earliest possible convenience. Thanx.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:50 pm

I really enjoyed the headline that appeared somewhere or other when Falwell died: "Jerry Falwell goes Belly Up".

philpjfry April 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm

And they let this man walk around by himself? He can hardly put two words together. What a walking crap sack

philpjfry April 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

Their dream world is one where we eliminate the gays, the blacks, the poor, the muslems, and anyone else who doesn't think like they do or have lots of money. Fuck them. Enjoy Hell cocksucker

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2011 at 4:58 pm

They tack on a Baskin-Robbins and a Dunkin Donuts here in NYC. All owned by the same global conglomerate.

They probably kill more people than General Dynamics, Lockheed-Martin, and Raytheon put together.

Buckminster April 26, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Isn't it time we took Pat out and gave him to a nice farm where he could live out the remainder of his days?

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Why am I hearing "Born Free" in my head?

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:51 pm

Lock up the sheep.

hagajim April 26, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I think maybe we ought to just not have babies – period. All they do is poop and puke all over. Then they grow up to be teenagers and they drink and poop and puke all over…..then once they are "adults" we expect them to be responsible…and what happens, they poop all over us. Fuck babies, pain in the wazoo.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I thought it was cryogenic suspension between Stones tours.

riverside68 April 26, 2011 at 5:43 pm

A-Fucking-Hole?

natoslug April 26, 2011 at 6:50 pm

I was trying to stick with the gay/lesbian theme of the day/week/month. Although if you're referring to Pat, then yes, definitely a fucking hole.

GOPCrusher April 26, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I thought we had determined that it really isn't Sarah's special needs babby?

Captain_Klutz April 26, 2011 at 6:42 pm

Think about it, ladies and gentlemen. Pat Robertson thinks that women are only good as baby machines. If they aren't popping out babies–then why they're no better than lesbians, and you know how dangerous they are . . . Well, ladies and gentlemen, I will leave to you to imagine what I think of Pat Robertson and his brand of "Christianity."

mrpuma2u April 26, 2011 at 7:00 pm

That old windbag will say any stupid shit to get in the news. He is just pissed that lesbians make better parents and raise better, well adjusted children than bat shit crazy bible thumpers.

Callyson April 26, 2011 at 7:06 pm

if these married women don’t have children, if they abort their babies, then that kind of puts them on a level playing field.
Now, I really should know better than to ask for logic from the likes of Pat Robertson, but…huh?

GeneralLerong April 26, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Re-reading Burton's translation of A Thousand Nights and a Night…lotsa eunuchs, sex jokes, black slaves fucking the brains outta rich white wimmen, tortures, castration [often done by women on men], naked female wrestling, rape, incest, pederasty, hideous old lesbians…and I'm only on book 2.

So far my favorite part is when a dude gets turned into a tail-less baboon. Now that is one neat trick.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:46 pm

Muslims and Jews have always been more positive towards sex as Christians. The early Xtns took Plato way too seriously.

Redhead April 26, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I refuse to believe that Octomom is more valuable and has contributed more to society than Eleanor Roosevelt.

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:21 pm

White Castle nearby?

Dr_pangloss April 26, 2011 at 9:30 pm

When can Robertson choke to death on a pair of hairy man balls. Can Wonkette get on that, please?

BZ1 April 26, 2011 at 9:31 pm

Pat Robertson: "You see? You see? You're stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid! " (whoops, that might be the Martian Eros from "Plan 9 from Outer Space" speaking, but how can you tell the diff?)

zhubajie April 26, 2011 at 9:47 pm

So has Pat ever been caught with a hooker like Jimmy Swaggart? While in the ministry?

metamarcisf April 26, 2011 at 9:58 pm

That's what she said.

HolyCow!! April 26, 2011 at 11:59 pm

I need more time to practice my witchcraft so I'm becoming a lesbian.

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 12:49 am

Does this dastardly lesbian plot involved bondage, cause I'd be totally down with that.

Lesbian plots and gay pressure and Bryan Fischer, oh my! It's a vertible Gay Day at These Wonkettes, today.

Negropolis April 27, 2011 at 1:09 am

BTW, you guys musn't forget, not only are lesbians in a race against straight women, but tey gheys also cause hurricanes, earthquakes, and plagues.

schvitzatura April 27, 2011 at 3:02 am

Shades of Maggie Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale"!

Pat Robertson as "The Commander"…

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:09 pm

Are we sure that he's actually alive?
My theory is that he died sometime in 1971, but won't fall over until the drugs wear off.

tessiee April 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm

"Liberal women have all had abortions, all the time, with their husband's approval."

It's true that we have lots of abortions, all the time, but we also want to force everybody else to have lots of abortions. That's why we go door to door grabbing pregnant women by the scruff of the neck, dragging them to Planned Parenthood, and forcing them to have abortions.

ghblowhard April 28, 2011 at 9:50 am

oh dear will he be forcing nuns to breed next?

Ruhe April 26, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Clearly.

riverside68 April 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm

There There
(h/t Firesign Theater)
And getting in on the thread that totally screws up my browser!

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 2:28 pm

All this thread needs is more necrophilia and blood drinking….you baby killers.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

double down. Jesus. kfc? WWJD–where would Jesus dine?

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 2:36 pm

that's what she said.

BaldarTFlagass April 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

Win.

mourningnmerica April 26, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I don't have anything to say. I just didn't want to stop the cascade of ever further indented arrows.

DaRooster April 26, 2011 at 4:08 pm

One Hour Nachos?

(Don't know what that means, it just spilled forth)

Graham Cracker April 26, 2011 at 4:13 pm

if we keep going we can make the comments fall off the right side of the page.

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

I don't have anything to say. I just didn't want to stop the cascade of ever further indented arrows.

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 4:13 pm

let's see if we can make it happen. onward to the edge of the world!

DaRooster April 27, 2011 at 9:55 am

There's enough falling off the right in the rest of the world… not here.

RadioJack April 26, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Bumpin' Tacos Flambe?

poncho_pilot April 26, 2011 at 4:17 pm

meanwhile, on Holy Thursday…

Peter: i'm sorry, Jesus. if i'd known it would take so long to get our order…we should've gone somewhere else.
Jesus: it's alright, Peter. we had no idea. i'm not really in a hurry to get arrested, beaten, and crucified.
Judas: can we get some service here? how long does it take to make fucking nachos!

Biel_ze_Bubba April 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm

You need one of those Bright Fart trolls to pull it off … someone who has nothing
to say but still
just has to
have the
last
w
o
r
d
.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: