speaketh the olds

Pat Robertson Exposes Lesbian Plot To Rid World’s Women of Babies


DUM DUM DUM DUM DUMMMMMMMM. What advantage does a lesbian have over a married woman? She doesn’t have to seek love from a planet full of dickwad men, that’s right. But what deficiency does she have? She doesn’t have equal rights, correct! Wait, let’s try that again.

Robertson: That’s exactly right. And so if these married women don’t have children, if they abort their babies, then that kind of puts them on a level playing field. And you say, nobody’s there to express that? Isn’t that shocking, well think about it a little bit ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, think about that a little bit. Apparently the playing field of life for women is simply a game to see who can give birth to the most babies, according to Pat Robertson. So that Duggar lady is winning the game, whereas women who are lesbians or unable to conceive or just prefer not to have children and pursue other interests are losing.

You’d better not have a miscarriage or whatever, or you’re no better than a lesbian, ladies! In fact, if you’re not pregnant right now, you’re losing the game. Go to the 700 Club studios and rape Pat Robertson, maybe? He seems to think being pregnant is what is important, not the circumstances.

(Also, lesbian vaginas work just fine for childbirth, idiot.) [Right Wing Watch]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • nounverb911

    Why does Pat Robertson hate Mary Cheney?

    • chicken_thief

      Cause she won't let him fill her with the Holy Syrup?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i've always said scissors are the most effective abortion tool.

    • Ohforcripessake

      EEEEK!!1!

    • elviouslyqueer
    • Swampgas_Man

      Or a boot, if it's placed in the right place w/ enough force.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Oh, I read that as "scissoring". Which is also great.

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        I sort of assumed that she was having it both ways…..

        And that's what she said!

  • Barb

    I think women would rather just rid the world of men who act like babies, like Pat Robertson.

    • jus_wonderin

      I think we're going to need a bigger clothes hanger.

    • SorosBot

      What about women who act like babies, like Sarah Palin?

      • Barb

        Like Pauly Shore, that ain't acting.

  • nounverb911

    "What advantage does a lesbian have over a married woman? "
    Well for one, she doesn't have to put up with dickheads like Pat Robertson.

    • baconzgood

      No sleeping in wet spots?

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        If there's no wet spots, that means you're not doing it right.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Proper attribution, please. That's Starla Fire, isn't it?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Easier cleanup?

    • emmelemm

      Less chance of accidentally getting pregnant, thus less chance of ever seeking an abortion, ever.

    • chicken_thief

      No recovery period. But then, another period.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    i think i just broke my brane

    • horsedreamer_1

      B-Real likes this mem(e).

    • CapeClod

      That's what happens when you think even a little about something Pat Robertson says.

  • walstib

    So, God wants forced hot meat injections for lesbians?

    I've seen some of the lesbians in Va. Beach, tell Pat to go first…

    • V572..whatever

      "Forced hot meat injections"–isn't that a new style of pizza at Domino's?

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        It's the Papa John's special of the week. You'd have known that if Jack hadn't pissed off the #Trigscrewers crowd.

        • horsedreamer_1

          & afterward, you christen your toilet as the real PapaJohns.com Bowl.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Are those "hot meat injections" forced w/ Gay Pressure?

    • AJW@[redacted]

      That will in no way relieve gay pressure.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Between Robertson and Allen West, conservatives appear to be doing a splendid job of trying to counter accusations that their policies amount to a war on women.

    • GOPCrusher

      That and the fact that minorities are quickly outpacing whites as the majority of Americans. So they want white Xtian women to increase their output.

      • zhubajie

        Ever hear of a book _How the Irish Became White_?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In actual wars, they have smart bombs. Looks like the GOP's weaponry is badly outdated.

  • FNMA

    When lesbians and babies are mentioned, all I can think of is David Crosby.

    • Gopherit

      Like Bobcat Goldthwait said, who'd they pass up before they decided on Crosby Splooge? Keith Richards?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Hey don't knock that Keith Richards splooge, it results in some quality product, as demonstrated by his lovely daughter Theodora .

        Apparently she's an artist, too.

  • WhatTheHolyHeck

    Man, I am coming in last place here. Unless you count cats, in which case I am the winner of all time and space.

    • fuflans

      yes!

  • Goonemeritus

    Easy now ladies it’s not a race.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Tell that to OctoFauxAngelina. She's ahead by 14 already, damn puffy-lipped preggyhobo.

      • Goonemeritus

        By the way has anyone checked under he recently another one or two must have dropped out by now?

        • WhatTheHolyHeck

          Seriously, downfistie? I wish I had your free time. I'd be through the co-op version of Portal 2 by now.

  • Troubledog

    "My spiritual advisor forbid me to use contraception, so I used monthly free abortions to rise to the pinnacles of American capitalism."

    – Dagny Taggart

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Bumpin' tacos yields no fruit.

    • horsedreamer_1

      & a conjoined Taco Bell/Long John Silver's* smells atrocious.

      *These actually exists.

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        There's a siamese LongJohnSilver's/A&W not too far from my place and it's rank beyond belief. I think it's the onion rings.

        Or the meth lab in the back.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Onion rings smell delicious, iff they are your onion rings.

    • Troubledog

      It's not the bumping that gets you. It's the grinding.

      • LabRodent

        I dont see nothing wrong with a little bump and grind.

        • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

          You'll stay for the grinding, you'll come for the bumping.

          • horsedreamer_1

            I remember when MTV rebranded that as Sisqo's Shakedown.

  • chascates

    As one of my friends, a recovering Catholic, said if only men got pregnant abortion would be a sacrament in the Church.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    But how does Pat explailn lesbian sex being so hot?

    • Ruhe

      I would dearly love to hear him asked just that question live on the air.

    • Papa_Uniform

      He doesn't explain it. He just pants.

    • riverside68

      It's a miracle?

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        For he so loved the world, he gave us scenes of nurses getting it on?

        • riverside68

          Praise the Lord!

  • CapeClod

    Because a married woman's first thought when she finds out that she's pregnant is 'This isn't the reason why I got married, I've got to have an abortion!"

  • bumfug

    Every time Pat Robertson opens his mouth another million women give up on men forever.

    • Ducksworthy

      Whoa. Listen up ladies. Pat is not representative of the rest of us. He is no longer a functional male and hasn't been for a long time, at least Jerry F. died.

      • GOPCrusher

        No, but that asshat Joel Osteen is quickly moving into Falwell's position.

  • CivicHoliday

    Ironically, the only tidbit of truth in his statement is that in a Darwinian sense, individuals that pass on more of their genetic material DO "win". So…Pat is a shill for evolutionary biologists? Whodathunkit

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Good thing IQ is not particularly inheritable, or we'd be in deep trouble as a species.

      • tessiee

        Ever see the movie "Idiocracy"?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Scientists have a saying: the plural of "anecdote" is not "evidence".
          (This is a great secret, never revealed to teabaggers, creationists, or religious nuts of any flavor.)

  • __kth__

    Someone needs to tell him about the Melissa Etheridge / David Crosby thing, to put him out of our misery.

    (edit: cripes, OP only up 10 minutes and still someone beat me to David Crosby? like to think I added a little extra value this time though)

  • nounverb911

    Pat Robertson likes to watch.
    #notintendedtobeafactualstatement

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Caveat, unspoken: White women only.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      This is always a given for Pat R. and the rest of the religious right, unless using those minorities as a useful tool. White = normal.

    • zhubajie

      Pat had a lot of experiences with the "hostesses" when he was a Marine in Japan (while avoiding combat duty in Korea). How many little Pats were aborted do you think? And how many of his bastards are still around Yokosuka?

  • HempDogbane

    I thought a little bit about it, as Pat suggested.

    • DaRooster

      I tried too… I smell smoke now.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    I love the assumption that all women would naturally abort all of their children.

    • Boredw/Gravitas

      Or the logic that if a woman is childless, then she must have aborted them all.

    • Ducksworthy

      That's been Pat's experience of all the adolescent girls he's ever impregnated.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Goddamn these lesbians and all their inherent advantages. And I'm not talking about the ones that rub their naked oiled bodies together for my red-blooded male viewing pleasure. I'm talking about that other kind, who couldn't give a fuck what I think, and actually plan to enjoy their lives acting as if they were equal to everybody else. What the hell is wrong with these woman, that they refuse to participate in a system wherein guys like me get to decide their value based on their fuckability? GET WITH THE PROGRAM LADEEZ AMIRITE?

    • Gopherit

      all of this gay pressure is making me feel funny.

    • Troubledog

      If you have that on a DVD, plz send a copy to KLo.

      Put a Richard Simmons sticker on it so she'll assume it's this month's edition of the Sweating To The Oldies subscription her sister got her for Xmas.

    • iburl

      Rush Limbaugh?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Clearly, Pat is unaware that the rainy season is approaching.

  • WinterOuthouse

    You know who else was afraid of Lesbians?

    • nounverb911

      Newt Gingrich?

    • ProgressiveInga

      Anne Heche?

    • FNMA

      Tom Coburn?

    • CapeClod

      Alan Keyes?

    • http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=351473119155 Fred_Wertham_Jr

      Spartans?

      • Swampgas_Man

        Didn't they invade the Isle of Lesbos one time?

    • RedneckMuslin

      The GOP Geyhz?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Michele Bachmann?

    • DaRooster

      Dick Cheney?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Xerxes?

      • GOPCrusher

        Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Sissy Hankshaw? (Oh, sorry, thought you said "wasn't afraid of lesbians")

    • mumbly_joe

      Bo Deitl?

      • mourningnmerica

        That's D-I-D-L-E-Y. Glad I could help.

    • SorosBot

      Warren Mears?

    • DashboardBuddha

      The Lebanese?

    • Extemporanus

      Jesus?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not Cleopatra anyway; I hear she and Sappho got along pretty well. If you know what I mean.

    • Bonzos_Bed_Time

      The Indigo Girls?

  • Extemporanus

    You know who else didn't enjoy getting nailed by sweaty men?

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      Pat Robertson? Oh, you said didn't, my bad

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Chuck Norris?

    • RadioJack

      Eva Braun?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Me?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      The Virgin Mary?

    • CapeClod

      Wonder Woman?

    • DaRooster

      Jesus?

      • ThundercatHo

        You win

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Indeed.

          • V572..whatever

            Hear hear!

          • Ruhe

            Clearly.

          • mourningnmerica

            I don't have anything to say. I just didn't want to stop the cascade of ever further indented arrows.

          • Graham Cracker

            if we keep going we can make the comments fall off the right side of the page.

          • poncho_pilot

            let's see if we can make it happen. onward to the edge of the world!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            You need one of those Bright Fart trolls to pull it off … someone who has nothing
            to say but still
            just has to
            have the
            last
            w
            o
            r
            d
            .

          • DaRooster

            There's enough falling off the right in the rest of the world… not here.

          • RadioJack

            I don't have anything to say. I just didn't want to stop the cascade of ever further indented arrows.

          • riverside68

            There There
            (h/t Firesign Theater)
            And getting in on the thread that totally screws up my browser!

      • Extemporanus

        Pound harder, for He hath nearly risen!

        • Doktor Zoom

          Apply Gay Pressure!

          • DaRooster

            I read that "Aptly Gay Pressure"…

            Need … more… coffee.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Alice B. Toklas?

    • poncho_pilot

      Jesus?

      • Extemporanus

        The second coming of Jesus is as righteous as the first one.

        • poncho_pilot

          i hate when i don't see a good comment because i haven't refreshed the page for a half hour.

          • HempDogbane

            On the third day it refreshes itself.

          • poncho_pilot

            that's what she said.

          • Extemporanus

            I hate when I do that and then someone replies to my comment before I have a chance to edit or delete it.

            Oh, wait…

            (Since that was the Easter-esque response I was going for, I won't hold your doubling-down on Jesus against you, my son.)

          • RadioJack

            All this thread needs is more necrophilia and blood drinking….you baby killers.

          • poncho_pilot

            double down. Jesus. kfc? WWJD–where would Jesus dine?

          • DaRooster

            One Hour Nachos?

            (Don't know what that means, it just spilled forth)

          • RadioJack

            Bumpin' Tacos Flambe?

          • poncho_pilot

            meanwhile, on Holy Thursday…

            Peter: i'm sorry, Jesus. if i'd known it would take so long to get our order…we should've gone somewhere else.
            Jesus: it's alright, Peter. we had no idea. i'm not really in a hurry to get arrested, beaten, and crucified.
            Judas: can we get some service here? how long does it take to make fucking nachos!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

          • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

            I'm going to wait until someone copies and posts a funny comment from another thread and then copy it and post it myself. Then see if I can figure out this whole time travel thing so that I can abort Pat Robertson, or at least convince his mom to become a lesbian.

          • Extemporanus

            Me?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Win.

          • DaRooster

            I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

            That would be thilly…

        • bagofmice

          Holy fuck, that was brilliant!

    • SorosBot

      Sappho of Lesbos?

    • emmelemm

      G-ddamn do I love this thread and each and every one of you. Perfection.

      • mourningnmerica

        I was thinking the same thing. Possibly the best one ever.

    • Negropolis

      Maggie Thatcher?

  • baconzgood

    You hear that women! GOD WANTS YOU ALL TO FUCK ME!

    • Gopherit

      Let's not get greedy here. Remember, we're all doing it for Jesus.

    • WinterOuthouse

      Fuck for Jeebus. Now that is something everybody can get into…

      • bagofmice

        Well, he DID establish his divinity by keeping a wedding party up to their ears in booze. And you know what happens after wedding parties…

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      WITHOUT a condom!

      • baconzgood

        Con-dome? I don't know what you're talking about.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Why would lesbians abort babies? Aren't girl babies future partners? And boy babies future sperm donors?

    • widestanceroman

      There's no point, since all the cats will just suck the breath from the babies while the lesbians sleep under their dream catchers.

    • Doktor Zoom

      As I've mentioned before, I once read a neo-nazi tract which argued that gay Jewish doctors (assisted by Jewish lesbian nurses, and yes, the pamphlet insisted on the gender role distinction) were the primary force in providing abortions, because they all have a big gay/lesbo sex fetish that makes them cum hard when they kill Aryan fetuses.

      How I wish I were not making that up.

    • bagofmice

      Probably not from Future Sailors.

      • doloras

        The thing about Gary Numan, right, is that he's not only a pop star, he's got a pilot's licence. Imagine that!

    • Swampgas_Man

      Considering the high cost of inseminations, lesbians would probably be the LAST to abort the resulting fetus.

  • Ducksworthy

    But with the extra helping of evil. Remember Pat, Jeebus is waiting for you, Just sayin'. Might want to think about that.

    • chicken_thief

      It would be kinda cool if there was a God, but that God isn't Hayzus. So the God created a Hayjus just to fuck with Pat in the afterlife. I guess that would be a god with a sense of humor.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Rapture capture, take Pat now!
    Rapture capture, take Pat now!
    Rapture capture, take Pat now!

    He's still here? Well poop. Does the Droid or the iPhone do knee mail in addition to stinging us by keeping track of every breath we take?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You didn't click your heels three times.

  • Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Also, lesbian vaginas work just fine for childbirth, idiot.

    But they taste so good after an abortion.

    • baconzgood

      You've convinced me, I'm going to catch my bus at the stop in front of Planned Parenthood.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Lesbian placenta is to die for.

    • DashboardBuddha

      That was so wrong…but why am I laughing?

    • riverside68

      Lesbian on bisexual women:

      "They leave a bad taste in my mouth"

  • WinterOuthouse

    That explains it. Lilith the Lesbian of Genesis ( you know the one. God created the first time out of dirt at the same time he created Adam, then she wanted to be on top so Adam whined and she was banished) came in my bedroom at night and stole my husband's seed. Then she went in and stole my newborn. If only there was a song to keep Lilith away, oh wait, there is, we call it a lullaby.

    • bagofmice

      Mmmmmmmm….. Succubi.

      • NorthStarSpanx

        Sigh, wouldn't it be all so much easier for us womens if we could just immaculately conceive or collect babies floating in baskets down the river?

    • zhubajie

      Ah, yes! "Male and female created He them." Gen. 2, the alternative creation story.

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    If all these asshats would spend their time in truly constructive pursuits instead of obsessing over ladyparts, the world would be in a hell of a lot better shape.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Or if all they did was obsess over ladyparts in the privacy of their mom's basement, without sharing their dootyheaded thoughts with anyone via any media, the world would be in a hell of a lot better shape.

    • zhubajie

      If they keep their semi-intelligent disciples in a tizzy at all times, then said disciples won't notice that Pastor Blitzafritz is taking all their money and screwing their teen-age sons and daughters!

  • Hatrabbit

    Thank you Dead Man With No Soul for telling us all about the Left's 'Culture of Death'

  • sussemilch

    People who abort their babies and lesbians are on an equal playing field… mmm, ok? What playing field? The one where men don't have babies? The one where Japanese factory robots don't have babies? The one were right-wing fascist women are to scary to stick your dick in them? I'm confused to what he's trying to get at.

    • tessiee

      "I'm confused to what he's trying to get at."

      Insofar as he has any point at all…
      And assuming that anyone CARES what he thinks…

      I think what this cock-bib is trying to say is that Lesbians are jealous of straight women because Lesbians can't have babbies (apparently he's never heard of sperm donors), so Lesbians want all straight women to have abortions so that they, too, will be childless and deprived of the joy and fulfillment that comes with picking shit out of a diaper.

      Make sense now (if I may so abuse the term "sense")?

  • Gopherit

    If I don't kill at least 3 babies before breakfast, I get cranky.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Lesbian babies, I hope.

  • Doktor Zoom

    You know what? I was planning to go with snark, but instead, I think I'll go with outrage: Fuck you, Pat Robertson. My first wife and I decided, after she got pregnant even while using contraceptives, to have an abortion. It was not an easy decision, but it was absolutely the right choice at the time, and we never regretted it. In my second marriage (to a woman who, before I met her, also had had an abortion and never regretted it), we were ready to have a kid and we love him with all our hearts. For this asshat Robertson to suggest that we secretly wished to kill our son is not merely absurd, it is offensive.

    The only times I regret being an atheist are when I have to acknowledge there is no hell for people like pat Robertson to go to.

    • Gopherit

      There's always a chance that pat is right. Won't he be surprised when he gets smoted?

    • CookiE_MonstA

      This is the main reason I can not be an atheist. I refuse to believe that what we do here on earth has no consequences after we die. If that is true then suicide is the only sane alternative.

    • DaRooster

      Well, you could be content in the the fact that he is Pat Robertson… a sort of hell I'm sure.

    • MrFizzy

      Dude – I appreciate the honesty, but please don't get your pressure elevated over robertson – he has a gin-soaked brain that's the size of a peach pit. He has probably "fathered" 20 aborted children that he doesn't even know about. I'm an atheist too, but I firmly believe that there must be some form of karma – when robertson returns he's going to be, well, pat robertson, a consummate fuckstick.

      • bagofmice

        The karma is memory. As in he will be forever known as Pat Robertson. After he shuffles off of this mortal coil, this youtube video will remain, on multiple datacenters copied throughout the Content Delivery Network. We will see this long after he is dead.

        And laugh.

      • tessiee

        He will be reincarnated as a tampon, thereby condemning him to an existence in the hoo-ha of a non-babby-producing woman, which is is least favorite thing ever.

  • Gopherit

    The next episode of the 700 Club: Turkey Basters: Tool of the Devil?

  • Weenus299

    C'mon Pat, we haven't been hit by a tsunami yet, so God thnks we're still OK. Let it go.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I didn't even know the 700 club was still on the air. Glenn Beck gets canned after only a year of craziness, while the ancient toadman from Va. Beach keeps this shit up for more than 20.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Because 700 Club is on that "special needs" religious channel, the one that doesn't respond to Gay Pressure.

    • zhubajie

      Fire up your shortwave! SW in the US caters to people too crazed for TV or even AM radio at 3 AM.

  • Gopherit

    Well, there's sandwiches.

  • LeAlbatross

    Ah, Free Speech. That way, you know where the barking-mad are. Why does this planetary crap-stain get a platform? Because people love car-wrecks.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Because people ARE car wrecks.

      \fixed.

  • ttommyunger

    I thought that motherfucker was dead, fer Chrissakes! I've got a mallet, somebody find a stake, quick!

    • poncho_pilot

      decapitation, too. just to make sure.

      • ttommyunger

        Then burning!

      • emmelemm

        Bury the head and the body in separate graves. Then nuke the site from orbit just to be sure.

        /mixing movie metaphors

        • poncho_pilot

          also, put him in a vat of liquid nitrogen and shatter his frozen remains. also.

    • tessiee

      I'll bring the garlic.

      ???
      What?
      Somebody has to cook dinner.

  • Hatrabbit

    Hey Pat, your Netflix DVD with the Palin / O'Donnell shower scene just arrived.

  • RadioJack

    As we all learned in the last week, there is only one thing worse than baby killin' and that's making fun of babies.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Mexican, not Mexican, who can deny the succulence of a 7 Layer Burrito?

    (I can, for one. Havn't had Taco Bell in over three years. & I miss it; sometimes, something fierce. Especially 7LB & Mexican Pizza.)

  • MozakiBlocks

    I''d like to think that the reason the wingnuts have gone so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs lately over the gheys and the womens is that deep down inside they realize that they are losing the "culture wars".

    And that this is indeed their last hurrah as the country changes all around them.

    I'd also like a purple unicorn too…

    • widestanceroman

      Religion is one mean SOB when cornered with truth.

    • GOPCrusher

      Absolutely.
      They don't understand that threatening to throw all the Hispanics out of the country and telling the 18-34 age group that they want to take away their Social Security, might alienate those groups.
      Like Sun Tzu said "Never interfere with your enemy when he is destroying himself."

      • emmelemm

        Pardon ignorance: was that actually one of Sun Tzu's maxims? (Cause it's totally true.)

    • zhubajie

      I'm afraid I have faith in humanity. As one set of bad ideas and evil practices go out of fashion, another will become all the rage. Like Muslim-hating replacing Jew-hating. The atheists, too, are capable of being every bit as obnoxious as the theists. Look at the history of Communism!

    • tessiee

      The metaphor of a cornered animal (something non-cute, like a rat) comes to mind.

  • Hatrabbit

    Downfister, every time you downfist me you abort a Baby Jesus from my heart.

  • horsedreamer_1

    & I appreciate, as does Ichiro, that Tentacles have been incorporated into the mating ritual.

  • pinkocommi

    If Pat Robertson continues to be such a dick, he may make us all lesbians.

    • CapeClod

      Now why would a lovely and intelligent woman such as yourself consider doing that?

    • DashboardBuddha

      Given my preferences, I'm already a raging lesbian. All I need now is a Subaru.

      • horsedreamer_1

        When I mentioned Jello last week, I did an image-search & found this. Not as cool* as the one of Axl wearing the same shirt (c. 89, so, before he got fat), but it'll do. http://www.nndb.com/people/279/000026201/biafra03…"

        *The last rock n' roll band, GN'R.

    • tessiee

      "If Pat Robertson continues to be such a dick, he may make us all lesbians."

      Ooh! Dibs on Nicole Kidman!

  • Gopherit

    You have to admit, though, that whole line seems to have an effect on conservatard women. Pat was planning to round second with that hot little missy.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Hye Pat, just shove some blood diamonds up your ass and you won't get pregnant.

  • widestanceroman

    "Theirs was not an evil love, but evil did come of it."

  • Ducksworthy

    Apparently the downfister troll has a serious fetus fethish.

    Dear Sir, Fapping to Fetishes (and also young children) is frowned upon here.

  • mumbly_joe

    So, what, no lesbians ever adopt? Because by Robertson's illogic, if lesbians can adopt, then they wouldn't need to kill other peoples' babbies, to win parenthood.

    Oh, wait, Pat Robertson also wants to make it so the gheys can't adopt, either, doesn't he.

    • V572..whatever

      Don't even tell him about surrogates, sperm donors, etc. Just let him go peacefully, spewing hate-filled nonsense that not even the right listens to anymore.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Come to me, my turkey-baster baby

      • emmelemm

        Wouldn't be too sure about that last part… {sigh}

  • genxr

    I want to see him try to leg press 1,000lbs while saying that.

  • AynWithStupid

    Well now I've just wiki'd myself into a tailspin. Robertson's dad was an Episcopalian attorney who practiced law in Lexington VA and went on to become a conservative Democrat, serving as both state senator and congressman. Pat must have gotten saved over the radio by Norman Vincent Peale in his prime. Attending Lexington's good ol' boys' college in proximity to five ladies' finishin' schools within a yokel's yodel across the valley, you can't emerge without having watched passels of 'horny, yet chaste' girls do more than tip cows in the paw patch for kicks. I would invite the old chintz-mouth to revisit some salient memories of his Sigma Alpha Epsilon extracurriculars, before the Power-of-Positive-Thinking hobgoblins would go on to put a dent in his partying ways.

    • V572..whatever

      It's also "important to note" (to coin a sparkling and brilliant new phrase) that Pat's daddy did everything he could keep his boy far, far away from the forward edge of the battle area in Korea.
      http://www.schlatter.org/liquor.htm

    • MozakiBlocks

      As a graduate of one of those nearby women's colleges, I witnessed the following exchange between one of the lovely young ladies and a fine upstanding member of one of the W&L fraternities

      LYW "I like this punch but don't want to get drunk"
      UPF "Well now honey, just suck/eat some of the orange slices you'll be fine"

      The lovely young woman obviously had no idea that citrus absorbs pure grain alcohol quicky and eating a few slices will get you staggering drunk faster than your panties can drop to the floor.

      I let her in on this little secret and took the wind right out of frat boys sails, so to speak…

      • AynWithStupid

        one of those nearby women's collegesabsorbs pure grain alcohol quicky

        Appreciate that flashback down memory lane…
        Just to be clear (not everclear — *ha*): my descriptors tend to reflect the voice I'm supplying for raconteur purposes.. so "finishin' school" was not meant to indicate how I feel about the schools; it is how my parents' generation, slightly younger than Mr. Robertsons', referred to them back in the day.

    • zhubajie

      Don't forget his years as a USMC whoremonger in Yokosuka, Japan! (He pulled strings at the last minute and got re-assigned from combat duty to inspecting "massage parlors.")

  • unclejeems

    Well, Brother Pat has taken up the mantle of Brother Jerry, who blamed 9/11 on gays and lesbians. Shitty minds run in the same sewer.

  • RadioJack

    Oh my, don't get him started about Sappho.

    • mumbly_joe

      Oh man, now some terrible part of me wants to put Pat Robertson and Allen West in a room together, along with a surreptitiously located recording device.

      ETA: oh man, on my first attempt, I managed to misspell Robertson, located, and device, but not surreptitiously. How is it only Tuesday?

  • dahboner

    Think about it a little bit…

    I’m having trouble thinking that little, Pat…

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    I have a batty old uncle who says stupid shit all the time. Can I go on the tv with him and rake in millions of tax free dollars? I'd like to use it to buy more abortions, please.

  • lowaltflier

    “The far left is livid about killing babies.”

    I was tiring to think of something to say but I can’t. Because I am just fucking Livid.

    • emmelemm

      Wait, I don't get it. They are LIVID about killing babies? That means they very much DO NOT LIKE killing babies, which would imply that they DON'T like abortion. Did he mean they're absolutely "crazy" about killing babies, meaning that they're so excited they're whipped into a frenzy? Anyway, get a dictionary, fucker.

  • WinterOuthouse

    These are the stupid fucktards that want to run everything. VOTE people. 'Cause this is the alternative.

  • V572..whatever

    If I want to attack Miche1e Bachmann, does that make me a Lesbian? Actually that'd be fine.

  • DahBoner

    Someone should start marketing a Pat Robertson strapon dildo to his congregation mailing list.

    That would be hilarious!

    • Doktor Zoom

      The man already is a fuckstick, so why not monetize that fact?

  • widestanceroman

    "Look, honey, this shirt ain't gonna iron itself."

    • Nothingisamiss

      accidental downfist! Upfist!

      • widestanceroman

        It's off to the Isle of Misfisters for you, Nothingisamiss-y.

        (ya got my upfist just the same)

  • dsgruntled

    Which is worse? Lesbians aborting babies by having gay sex, or priests, preachers and boy scout leaders wasting thier baby batter on already born boys.

    • widestanceroman

      Father Ted said that would be an ecumenical matter.

  • jqheywood

    I see what you did there…

    Bonus for the Cowgirls ref.

  • ChessieNefercat

    If they were the three year old tots with the adorable high-pitched, squeaky, lisping, garbly, unintelligible voices that seem to be all the rage for radio ads for banks, political candidates, car dealers, etc., up here, then try as I might, I cannot work up a lot of outrage. Carry on, but I suppose you should squash gently.

    I'm agonna get downfisted, aren't I?

  • timbo71351

    Nice to hear from the American Taliban.

    • poncho_pilot

      i like to call them Crusader-Americans.

    • GOPCrusher

      I think they need to be forced into the caves while Predator Drones circle silently overhead, watching and waiting.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    OT, but not really…

    Jerry Falwell's Liberty University implicated in lesbian kidnapping plot. Jebus weeps.

  • poncho_pilot

    i'm reading The Handmaid's Tale right now but i haven't reached the back story, yet. does Pat make an appearance? should this article have notified me of a *SPOILER ALERT*?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You didn't recognize Pat's son Fred?

      • poncho_pilot

        haven't gotten to him having any character development, yet. so far he just seems like a prop. i'm assuming there's more to the character later on?

  • MrFizzy

    Hey, I have a bad haircut – I want to be part of the lesbian plot too!

  • kissawookiee

    Gotta hand it to the man for absolutely nailing the economic realities of gender difference: for women to achieve an equal playing field, they must be able to control their reproduction.

    See also: clock, broken, frequency of correct time display.

  • carlgt1

    you can't even parody such supreme idiocy….

  • Sue4466

    Thought about it. Still makes no fucking sense. Except maybe grandpa slipped off his meds.

  • Gopherit

    Pat is so right. I, for one, care not to live in a world where my existence would revolve solely on my being continuously milked of my semen for the benefit of my lesbian masters.

    Wait, what the hell am I saying?

    • bagofmice

      Truly a student of the human condition.

    • GOPCrusher

      Why do you hate The Amazons?

      • zhubajie

        Because they cut one of their tits off! The natural two is better!

  • smitallica

    As a proud member of the Liberal Culture of Death, I hope Pat Robertson will get to partake of our culture very, very soon.

  • poncho_pilot

    it's funny that you suggest that, because i have checked the copyright date a couple of times already.

  • bagofmice

    What I said before… Apologies for the repost but IntenseDebate doesn't appear to allow linked comments.

    And I quote myself:

    The karma is memory. As in he will be forever known as Pat Robertson. After he shuffles off of this mortal coil, this youtube video will remain, on multiple datacenters copied throughout the Content Delivery Network. We will see this long after he is dead.

    And laugh.

    • emmelemm

      No worries in posting it twice.

      I do take your point, and my friend and I have long had a saying: "Being a jerk is its own punishment." Sort of the correlate to "Being virtuous is its own reward."

      However, it's sort of hard to take comfort in that any more. As to your point about Pat Robertson, yes, his awfulness will live on, and people will see this long after he's dead. The problem is, some people will still agree with it. Plus, despite the fact that I'm an atheist, I'm feeling more and more Old Testament-y as this decade unfolds: I really want Pat Robertson, the douche himself, to suffer. In a burning lake of fire.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    If I ever need a liver transplant, I call dibs on his!

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Lindsay Lohan as well.

  • poorgradstudent

    Well, at least this helps prove my theory that they hate us gays because they hate the fact that they're supposed to only have sex to make babies, while we have the convenient excuse that it's physiologically impossible.

    I still have no idea why they all have such a hard-on for dead fetuses, though.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The one about being a lesbian? I've had that one for years. Just looking for a woman I can call Sir.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Women have babies, women don't have babies. How do you explain that?

    • baconzgood

      How come My ex has two children and I have none?

  • anniegetyerfun

    Everyone knows that it's easier to fist a woman who has given birth – Pat doesn't know the first fucking thing about bull dykes.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Kill, baby, kill….

  • emmelemm

    Babysitting the grand and great-grand babies. (So the state doesn't have to think about providing any kind of reasonable day care.)

  • GortRay

    Dear Pastor Robertson, you worthless pile of pig puke. Please, please follow your fellow bigoted scum-maggot pal Jerry Falwell into the light of Jeebus at your earliest possible convenience. Thanx.

    • tessiee

      I really enjoyed the headline that appeared somewhere or other when Falwell died: "Jerry Falwell goes Belly Up".

  • philpjfry

    And they let this man walk around by himself? He can hardly put two words together. What a walking crap sack

  • philpjfry

    Their dream world is one where we eliminate the gays, the blacks, the poor, the muslems, and anyone else who doesn't think like they do or have lots of money. Fuck them. Enjoy Hell cocksucker

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    They tack on a Baskin-Robbins and a Dunkin Donuts here in NYC. All owned by the same global conglomerate.

    They probably kill more people than General Dynamics, Lockheed-Martin, and Raytheon put together.

  • Buckminster

    Isn't it time we took Pat out and gave him to a nice farm where he could live out the remainder of his days?

    • GOPCrusher

      Why am I hearing "Born Free" in my head?

    • tessiee

      Lock up the sheep.

  • hagajim

    I think maybe we ought to just not have babies – period. All they do is poop and puke all over. Then they grow up to be teenagers and they drink and poop and puke all over…..then once they are "adults" we expect them to be responsible…and what happens, they poop all over us. Fuck babies, pain in the wazoo.

  • GOPCrusher

    I thought it was cryogenic suspension between Stones tours.

  • riverside68

    A-Fucking-Hole?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I was trying to stick with the gay/lesbian theme of the day/week/month. Although if you're referring to Pat, then yes, definitely a fucking hole.

  • GOPCrusher

    I thought we had determined that it really isn't Sarah's special needs babby?

  • Captain_Klutz

    Think about it, ladies and gentlemen. Pat Robertson thinks that women are only good as baby machines. If they aren't popping out babies–then why they're no better than lesbians, and you know how dangerous they are . . . Well, ladies and gentlemen, I will leave to you to imagine what I think of Pat Robertson and his brand of "Christianity."

  • mrpuma2u

    That old windbag will say any stupid shit to get in the news. He is just pissed that lesbians make better parents and raise better, well adjusted children than bat shit crazy bible thumpers.

  • Callyson

    if these married women don’t have children, if they abort their babies, then that kind of puts them on a level playing field.
    Now, I really should know better than to ask for logic from the likes of Pat Robertson, but…huh?

  • GeneralLerong

    Re-reading Burton's translation of A Thousand Nights and a Night…lotsa eunuchs, sex jokes, black slaves fucking the brains outta rich white wimmen, tortures, castration [often done by women on men], naked female wrestling, rape, incest, pederasty, hideous old lesbians…and I'm only on book 2.

    So far my favorite part is when a dude gets turned into a tail-less baboon. Now that is one neat trick.

    • zhubajie

      Muslims and Jews have always been more positive towards sex as Christians. The early Xtns took Plato way too seriously.

  • Redhead

    I refuse to believe that Octomom is more valuable and has contributed more to society than Eleanor Roosevelt.

  • zhubajie

    White Castle nearby?

  • http://www.wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

    When can Robertson choke to death on a pair of hairy man balls. Can Wonkette get on that, please?

  • BZ1

    Pat Robertson: "You see? You see? You're stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid! " (whoops, that might be the Martian Eros from "Plan 9 from Outer Space" speaking, but how can you tell the diff?)

  • zhubajie

    So has Pat ever been caught with a hooker like Jimmy Swaggart? While in the ministry?

  • metamarcisf

    That's what she said.

  • HolyCow!!

    I need more time to practice my witchcraft so I'm becoming a lesbian.

  • Negropolis

    Does this dastardly lesbian plot involved bondage, cause I'd be totally down with that.

    Lesbian plots and gay pressure and Bryan Fischer, oh my! It's a vertible Gay Day at These Wonkettes, today.

  • Negropolis

    BTW, you guys musn't forget, not only are lesbians in a race against straight women, but tey gheys also cause hurricanes, earthquakes, and plagues.

  • schvitzatura

    Shades of Maggie Atwood's "The Handmaid's Tale"!

    Pat Robertson as "The Commander"…

  • tessiee

    Are we sure that he's actually alive?
    My theory is that he died sometime in 1971, but won't fall over until the drugs wear off.

  • tessiee

    "Liberal women have all had abortions, all the time, with their husband's approval."

    It's true that we have lots of abortions, all the time, but we also want to force everybody else to have lots of abortions. That's why we go door to door grabbing pregnant women by the scruff of the neck, dragging them to Planned Parenthood, and forcing them to have abortions.

  • ghblowhard

    oh dear will he be forcing nuns to breed next?