what? oh okay

Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’

Worthy of at least 1,000 PulitzersExcuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more “penis”? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that relieves “back” problems? Please help us solve this gay mystery in the comments section!

Haha, and look! This news article originally appeared in the commie New York Times, under the headline, “Law Firm Won’t Defend Marriage Act.” No mention of America Under Gay Pressure? Good gravy. Predictable liberals with their misleading headlines.

♫This is our last dance ♫
♫ This is ourselves ♫
♫Under Gay Pressure ♫
♫ dum dum dum dee dee dum dum ♫

Thank you to Wonkette operative “Luke” for this weird Fox News headline! [Fox Nation]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • jjdaddyo

    Isn't "Gay Pressure" what makes the prostate feel so good?

    • Moonbat

      I thought that was Chuck Mangione?

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    If I'm not mistaken…Gay Pressure is called Topping.

    • freakishlywrong

      Then I wish the fucking spineless Dems would take a few lessons in topping.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's also a floor wax.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Gay pressure has contributed to many happy endings, or so I'm told…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs more tongue-punching of fartboxes.

    • ttommyunger

      How wude!

      • bagofmice

        It's Twue!

  • RedneckMuslin

    It means some GOP pols take a wide stance on this issue. Some are bending over for this.

  • slithytoves

    Gawd, the comments attached to that article made my eyes burn. Somebody get me some porn.

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Some…gay porn, perchance?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Not trying to force anything on you, or something, but…

    • Doktor Zoom

      They're just trying to force this down our throats….hhmmmpphhh, kaff! Mmmmm…Oh, god, yes…

      • baconzgood

        Are we going to swollow this?

        • widestanceroman

          A spitter's a quitter.

          • ttommyunger

            pornhub.com always works for me.

  • Schmannnity

    Very suspicious that Fox is repeating a story from MSM New York Times. There must be a gay fox in the henhouse.

    • CapeClod

      My money is on Shepard Smith or Steve Douchy.

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        I'm pretty sure Steve Doocys reproduce asexually.

        • trondant

          Truly a fungus among us.

    • jaytingle

      There's little doubt about the Gay Pressure that drives Shep Smith. Coincidentally, Rachel Maddow just broadcast a thinly veiled appeal for a closeted news anchor to come out.

      • chicken_thief

        Quit pickin' on Anderson, Bully-Maddow!!!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Rachel Maddow is the epitome of a gay fox.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Zwing!

          • ttommyunger

            All those hard peckers among them chickens sure has to be a turn-on for the "Deuce".

        • V572..whatever

          She makes me feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

          [some other commenter said that here first years ago, and I would credit him if I could remember who it was]

    • Negropolis

      There definitely isn't any cock in the henhouse.

  • memzilla

    Riley, didn't you post a pic of you and Andrew Breitfart that had something to do with "Gay Pressure?"

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Brietbart's gay pressure is strong enough to make whore diamonds.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Via Wikipedia:

    Pressure: is an effect which occurs when a force is applied on a surface. Pressure is the amount of force acting on a unit area. The symbol of pressure is P.

    Formula: P= F/A or P =dFn/dA

    Gay Pressure: is an effect which occurs when a force is applied on a surface with a hot, swollen, turgid, sweaty, erect penis.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      Next you'll be claiming the Theory of Relativity explains where TP'ers come from.

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        No, the Theory of Relativity explains the British monarchy. TP'ers are mostly an object lesson on why you shouldn't use lead-based paint on cribs.

    • Boojum_Reborn

      Do penises even have sweat glands?

      • ttommyunger

        Relative Humidity: when sweat drips off your sack onto your sister-in-law's taint. You're welcome!

    • tessiee

      This is clearly discrimination of some sort.
      As a straight woman, I demand my fair share of hot, swollen, turgid, erect penis.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Needs moar santorum

    • Swampgas_Man

      And Fluid Sexuality. Pretty sure that means water sports.

  • Gopherit

    That damn gay pressure again. How can the fox personalities take it? All of those pictures and videos out there on the internet…..just calling. It's more than Beck and Hannity can take, godblessem.

  • Barb

    What the hell is "gay pressure?" Is it cause by Lezbeans?

    • widestanceroman

      Taking Peen-O will help with that.

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        Otherwise you'll suffer from chronic fabulence.

        • elviouslyqueer

          You three bitches owe me a new keyboard and monitor.

          • Barb

            Sorry Elvis, we love you!

        • Doktor Zoom

          I hear that Fox is looking to hire a LISP programmer

          • ttommyunger

            I sointainly hope so!

          • V572..whatever

            Oh so many upfists for that one, would that it were possible.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Under Gay Pressure," the song by Bowie NOT plagiarized by Chuckie N and Vanilla Ice.

    • bagofmice

      I was thinking about how about how adding a syllable would ruin the cadence, but it doesn't really. You just have to stress the second syllable of "under" so that you can slip the "gay" in.

      "UnDER gay Pressure"…

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If only my firm had a little gay pressure, at least I would have a social life.

  • GeneralLerong

    Heh – an Amazon flying-monkey-poop review that persuaded me to immediately buy a Kindle copy of 31 Bond Street:

    "This book is advertised on Wonkette, a Web site that ridiculed Sara Palin's down syndrome son. If this book is advertised to devotees of that site, I will not read it."

    Now trying to think which relatives and/or friends might enjoy a copy of Larry Flynt's One Nation Under Sex…

    • finallyhappy

      You don't really think the people who oppose wonkette actually buy books, do you?

    • tessiee

      "Heh – an Amazon flying-monkey-poop review that persuaded me to immediately buy a Kindle copy of 31 Bond Street"

      Oh! Thanks for the reminder!
      I'd been meaning to check that out of the library, and when I saw your comment, I put the book on hold.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Gay Pressure is what causes John Boner to weep. Or, at least, bite the pillow.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Larry Craig had been smart, he would have said he was relieving gay pressure when he was at the air port.

    • mourningnmerica

      "…air port…" !!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • tessiee

        air biscuit

  • SorosBot

    Gay Pressure is what most of the fundamentalist homophobes feel whenever they watch 300 or pro wrestling.

    • Doktor Zoom

      So Tommy, do you like gladiator movies?

      • tessiee

        Ever been in a Turkish prison?

    • Ruhe

      Clearly this guy was feeling the gay pressure.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com TsunamiAli

      Plaigerizer!

    • ttommyunger

      I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

  • hagajim

    Gay pressure…that slightly unconfortable feeling just before your balloon knot pops open!

  • ogradybt

    I'll just lay this out and let someone else fill in the gaps: Queen is the Obama administration, Bowie is, uh, gay rights groups, and Vanilla Ice is Fox News for stealing the NYT beat and then laming it out.

    • DashboardBuddha

      That was pretty damn astute!

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    I guess the gay Mafia made them a gay offer they couldn't gayfuse.

    Gay. Gay. Gaaaaaaaay.

  • facehead

    "Gaydar" is old-fashioned and unreliable, Gaybarometers are the new hip thing with all the cool young lawyers.

    • mormos

      gayGPS. it's all digital now.

      • tessiee

        Gay Twitter?

  • Doktor Zoom

    The important thing is to make sure that you apply the Firm Gay Pressure of the Law consistently, slowly increasing the tempo, and consulting with your Partners to make sure they are in concurrence. Then, slowly remove their Amicus briefs.

    If it Pleasures the Court….

    • rileywaggs

      MY WORD, WHAT DID I JUST READ???

      • CalamityJames

        The best damn legal advice I ever heard.

      • SorosBot

        Hey you finally got the blue stripe like Ken, congrats!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Riley, I'd take YOUR deposition any time you want.

        • Gopherit

          I think it's precious that Riley acts like Breitbart didn't try to depose him.

      • Gopherit

        An excerpt from One Nation Under Sex.

    • riverside68

      David is that you? You never called back, I'd love to see you again, even just for 5 minutes, okay 10, oh god make it 15 please?

    • widestanceroman

      First, we fill all the lawyers.

      • Doktor Zoom

        with santorum…

        • bagofmice

          Of course. That comes naturally.

    • ttommyunger

      Fap, fap, fap, and I'm not even gay…at least I don't think I am…..

      • Doktor Zoom

        Yeah, neither does Bryan Fissure, so….

        • ttommyunger

          No, he fucking KNOWS he's gay, he just won't admit it, even to himself.

        • mormos

          his name is Fissure, I mean COME ON!

    • bagofmice

      Subpoenas go in, subpoenas go out. Never a miscommunication. How do you explain that?

      • Doktor Zoom

        I'm pretty sure you meant dompoenas.

    • tessiee

      When does each side present their oral argument?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Reminds me of my great aunts in Cedar Rapids named Gay and Gladys. I was about 12 when Aunt Gay called her sister "Happybottom," which puzzled the hell out of me. I finally asked my mom, and she said it was a variation on Glad-ass, which is a happy bottom. I think of the Gays and Happybottoms of the world often and smile, because I love my Gay, Glad-ass family.

    • bagofmice

      Speaking of portal games, the kids these days are much more into GLadOS.

    • emmelemm

      I really, really hope that story is real, because it's possibly the most adorably charming thing I've read this week (possibly month)!

      • EatsBabyDingos

        It is true! They were twin sisters to my Grandma, Althea, who was affectionately known as Sal for reasons that are mysterious…Thanks for your post!

    • mourningnmerica

      If you take the name Gladys, and distill the queer out of it, it leaves LDS. Coincidence?

  • Steverino247

    While I'm not a fan of homosexuality (any more than I am a fan of any of the billions of possible human genetic outcomes), I do understand that it is a naturally occurring phenomenon and that homosexuals have no more choice about the matter than I did about being heterosexual. Or being tall. Or having those features called "Caucasian." Or being male. Or being blue-eyed. Thus, any human rights accorded to me should be accorded to any other human.

    What's so fucking hard to understand about that, FOX News fans?

    • CalamityJames

      Ummm, hello, who are we supposed to hate then, you're so smart?

      • Steverino247

        People who drive while talking on cell phones, of course!

        • jqheywood

          Oh, there is a special place in hell for them…if hell existed, of course, which it doesn't, but if it did…oooooh boy, fricassee city!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Real American Christians and special needs children, of course.

        • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

          Oh I hate the special needs children, with their wee beady eyes and their legions of incoherent, illiterate fan clubs.

          • emmelemm

            Damn! Harsh. Well, harsh but fair.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

      "Or being tall. Or having those features called "Caucasian." Or being male. Or being blue-eyed."

      STOP GAY-PRESSURIZING US!!!

    • smitallica

      It's not that it's hard for Fox News to understand. They understand it perfectly. They ALSO understand that their viewership is made up entirely of mouth-breathing fuckwits, the people who make it necessary for Pop-Tarts to come with directions on the box.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The gay couple that owns the wine bar I frequent always try to get me to buy the BV Georges de Latour instead of the Goats Do Roam. Is that gay pressure?

    • fuflans

      yes.

  • politics_nerd

    =======================================)

    • bagofmice

      With a capital D~.

    • tessiee

      So, politics_nerd is actually Jonah Falcon?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    You guys laugh but high gay pressure can have serious health consequences. I've known guys who have hit the gym six days a week because of high gay pressure. Some of us have nearly bankrupted ourselves trying to treat it.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "I've known guys who have hit the gym six days a week because of high gay pressure."

      You'd think that would only make it worse.

    • CapnFatback

      Others have tried to treat it by "hitting" Jim.

  • phlox✔

    If you call it pegging then it's not gay. At all. No siree.

  • CapnFatback

    I was always under the impression that gay pressure was a necessary step in applying sequins to a entertainer's garment. Apparently, that lawsuit just got bedazzled!

    • bagofmice

      Disco Stu don't advertise.

  • SorosBot

    Since Riley's already done the Bowie/Queen reference:

    ♫ You have to learn to pace yourself ♫
    ♫ Gay Pressure ♫
    ♫ You're just like everybody else ♫
    ♫ GayPressure ♫
    ♫ You've only had to fuck so far ♫
    ♫ So good ♫
    ♫ But you will come to a place ♫
    ♫ Where the only thing you feel ♫
    ♫ Are loaded dicks in your face ♫
    ♫ And you'll have to deal with ♫
    ♫ Gay Pressure ♫

  • Hatrabbit

    'Gay Pressure' is a popular Republican Nightclub.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Faux Newz needs moar Viagra to stand tall against ghey pressure.

    further to Serolf_Divad: F = ma
    where F = Faux News, m = morans, and a = asshats.

  • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

    Slightly OT, but Prop 8 supporters are now saying the fed judge who ruled it unconstitutional should've recused himself b/c he's gay. By this logic, how could a breeder judge not have to recuse himself? Prop 8 supporters are stupid fucking ass-hookahs.

    • SorosBot

      Show us your castration certificate!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        Would not castrati priests solve the Catholic Church's problem with the kiddies?

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      And that is surprising how?

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        I know, I know, but even so, sometimes when I step back and grasp the totality of their stupid and cognitive dissonance, it turns my snark off.

        • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

          Oh, I understand. It is staggering, the stupidity, isn't it?

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      It's especially hilarious in that this very argument undermines any attempt they might make that straight people have a compelling interest – and therefore standing – to sue over it.

    • Doktor Zoom

      "now saying"? They were saying that within days hours of the decision….

      • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

        Yeah, but they just formally filed a motion to vacate the ruling based on this.

        • Doktor Zoom

          Aha. Then clearly we need to apply Gay Pressure to vacate their motions. Deeply

          • bagofmice

            Damn. I used my subpoena joke too soon. I blame the gay pressure.

    • Steverino247

      It's ok. The judge is a Republican, so the "having a partner" thing doesn't count.

      • GOPCrusher

        Couldn't be a Republiklan. No self respecting Republiklan would ever engage in carnal knowledge with another member of the same sex. And certainly never outside the bonds of matrimony.

        • bagofmice

          Leadership qualities?

  • widestanceroman

    While America tearfully braces itself, gay pressure mounts a massive thrust against DOMA, pounding its way to a triumphant victory.

    • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      A burst of legislation will soon follow.

  • baconzgood

    Too much Gay pressure gives you the bends.

    • memzilla

      I thought it was the other way around?

      • bagofmice

        Kinky.

  • freakishlywrong

    again 2 % of the population trying to dictate to the other 98 %.
    Again. Wingnuts exhibit more fucking projection than fucking Cannes.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Of course, the opposite of Gay Pressure is Gay Suction. But, paradoxically, same effect. With enough gay suction even the firmest of law firms will hand off this case to some Johnny-come-lately rather than blow it for Boehner.

  • Poindexter718

    It's the emasculating Planned Parenthood & Code Pink Ladies' fault that Mark Foley, Larry Craig, George "Rentboy" Rekers and now this fine law firm are succumbing to the Gay Pressure.

    • bagofmice

      So you're saying they've passed the bar? Or do we do this in psi?

  • chascates

    Gay agenda revealed:
    Democrats Want To Recruit Gay Immigrants To "Bring Down" America http://onenewsnow.com/Politics/Default.aspx?id=13
    A grassroots border enforcement advocate is not surprised that a group of far left-wing congressional members would introduce a bill that gives special consideration to homosexuals who want to immigrate to the United States.
    But he says this legislation fits right into the left's agenda of changing the traditional values that made America great.
    "They're looking to bring in anybody challenging the established culture inside the United States that they want to bring down," Gheen suggests.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      I just puked up my soul.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      This is good news for Glenn Greenwald!

    • SorosBot

      Oh damn, the racism and homophobia there are just amazing. They refer to immigration as "importation"; and giving gay couples the same status as straight couples for family-based immigration is not "special consideration" but equal consideration, you fucks.

    • bagofmice

      Everybody get down!

    • mourningnmerica

      "…left's agenda of changing the traditional values that made America great…" Homosexuals – They Want America to Suck

      or

      Homosexuals – Bringing America to It's Knees

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Fox News: We report, you laugh about how stupid we are.

  • a_pink_poodle

    What's wrong with Queen?

    PLINK PLONK!

  • proudgrampa

    My, oh my! All this "Gay Pressure" talk feels like, well, being pressured (?!?!?).

  • OneYieldRegular

    This is certainly deeply tragic and outrageous, given that straight pressure has never caused any adverse consequences for a gay person.

  • prommie

    "Gay pressure" is when the invisible hand of the market gives your balls a good sharp squeeze.

  • Goonemeritus

    Gay pressure is no joke, without it I would still be wearing Crocks with a sportcoat.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    "Send in the clowns….

    Don't bother… They're here."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Is it racist if I say "Gay Pressure" is how the Japanese pronounce "Gay Pleasure?"

    • bagofmice

      That's Gaycist!

  • horsedreamer_1

    "Gay Pressure" is what made Vanilla Ice have to give up royalties to his hit.

    • bagofmice

      I never knew Suge Knight was gay…

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Thanks for that. I was thinking of The Selecter as soon as I saw the title for this post.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Oh shit the downfister hates that I know something about ska revival bands of the eighties. May Buster Bloodvessel smother you with his tongue Downfister!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    With all the recent advances in lubrication and muscle relaxant technology, Gay Pressure is nowhere near the problem it used to be.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Just enough, actually. I believe I am in love now.

  • Doktor Zoom

    If that's not enough, you might need ANAL BLAST!!!!!!!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Tea Party Members and other Conservatives: Check your Gay Pressure weekly, or even daily, if you are experiencing symptoms! Fortunately, there are many clinics in rest stops and public bathrooms nationwide where Gay Pressure can be assessed quickly and easily. (However, this may not be reimbursable through your Communist Flexible Spending Account.)

  • ttommyunger

    Hee, hee; "erected".

  • lowaltflier

    Gay Pressure = 21st century Kama Sutra.

  • ttommyunger

    I have no doubt Doocey and his dark-haired little friend feel gay pressure every time Barry is on the tube; better known as the pressure building up inside their little knickers when their tiny pee-pees get hard.

  • Steverino247

    I wonder what happens if you're suddenly de-gay-pressurized? Do you get the bend-overs?

    • Doktor Zoom

      A cock will drop from the overhead panel. Grasp it firmly and inhale naturally.

  • Extemporanus

    Louis CK has something to say about gay pressure.

    [NSFW…start at 4:00 min mark.]

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Gay Pressure is when you find it harder and harder every day to live up to your blue china.

  • V572..whatever

    Okay, this is simple: Birthers. Other than that it's kinda lonely in there.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Does it count as Gay Pressure if you were drunk at the time?

    • tessiee

      I thought the rule was that nothing counts if you're:
      1. Drunk,
      2. On vacation,
      3. Don't know each other's names.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

    Thank you! You know, I loved The Specials and The Beat when they first came out (har har), but somehow never actually heard a Selecter song until today, although I knew of them.

  • bagofmice

    Every inch of the way…

  • ttommyunger

    Wait, What?

    • Doktor Zoom

      I see everything twice!

      • ttommyunger

        Is that like 2D?

      • doloras

        I SEE EVERYTHING ONCE!

        • Doktor Zoom

          We made you all better!

  • poncho_pilot

    i was just wondering if "gay pressure" had anything do with the atm. and what's the unit of measurement for "gay pressure" called?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atmosphere_%28unit%2

  • Janinthepan

    "Either the drapes go or I do"

  • mourningnmerica

    I prefer the traditional version of the term, "queer pressure".

  • hollywooddood

    Isn't gay pressure when we rub peeps?

  • doloras

    He was so gay he called his band Queen.

  • BZ1

    The hoary old canard is being trotted out again (have I mixed enough metaphors…) that conceding anything to the gayz, is opening the way for every other "interpretation" for marriage, like marrying a piano stool or a banana peel…

  • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

    Jesus Mary and Joseph, I spend much of my day telling middle school students not to use "gay" as a pejorative, and here goes FOX News doing the same thing!

    • Negropolis

      Do the kids still use it that way? I'm only in my mid-20's, but it was kind of dying out back when I was in high school.

      Using gay as a pejorative is so gay.

  • Negropolis

    If you're gay pressure lasts longer than 4 hours…well, you've found yourself a good lay, I guess. If only everyone's pressure could last so long.

  • DarwinianDemon

    So Republicans wanted to pay this firm 500K dollars to defend DOMA? But I thought they were all about small government and reigning in spending? I'm shocked!

    On a totally unrelated note, I just woke up from a 40 year coma. Did I miss anything?

  • tessiee

    Freddie Mercury and 70s-era David Bowie were so fine they transcended all categories of "straight", "gay", "male", "female", and almost, "human". They were just gorgeous vortexes of cool and sexeh.

  • tessiee

    "tent the Repubs have erected"

    I see what you did there, although calling it "big" might not be strictly accurate.

  • tessiee

    Somewhere on youtube, Britney Spears has a video where she's crying and yelling, 'LEAVE THE GEIGH ALONE!!"