what? oh okay

Fox News Warns America About Sinister ‘Gay Pressure’

Worthy of at least 1,000 PulitzersExcuse our youthful curiosity, Fox Nation, but what is this delicious-sounding Gay Pressure which you speak of? Is it similar to peer pressure, just with tons more “penis”? Maybe! Or maybe it is an ancient Chinese Homo-Puncture technique that relieves “back” problems? Please help us solve this gay mystery in the comments section!

Haha, and look! This news article originally appeared in the commie New York Times, under the headline, “Law Firm Won’t Defend Marriage Act.” No mention of America Under Gay Pressure? Good gravy. Predictable liberals with their misleading headlines.

♫This is our last dance ♫
♫ This is ourselves ♫
♫Under Gay Pressure ♫
♫ dum dum dum dee dee dum dum ♫

Thank you to Wonkette operative “Luke” for this weird Fox News headline! [Fox Nation]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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  1. RedneckMuslin

    It means some GOP pols take a wide stance on this issue. Some are bending over for this.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      They're just trying to force this down our throats….hhmmmpphhh, kaff! Mmmmm…Oh, god, yes…

  2. Schmannnity

    Very suspicious that Fox is repeating a story from MSM New York Times. There must be a gay fox in the henhouse.

    1. jaytingle

      There's little doubt about the Gay Pressure that drives Shep Smith. Coincidentally, Rachel Maddow just broadcast a thinly veiled appeal for a closeted news anchor to come out.

        1. V572..whatever

          She makes me feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

          [some other commenter said that here first years ago, and I would credit him if I could remember who it was]

  3. Serolf_Divad

    Via Wikipedia:

    Pressure: is an effect which occurs when a force is applied on a surface. Pressure is the amount of force acting on a unit area. The symbol of pressure is P.

    Formula: P= F/A or P =dFn/dA

    Gay Pressure: is an effect which occurs when a force is applied on a surface with a hot, swollen, turgid, sweaty, erect penis.

      1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        No, the Theory of Relativity explains the British monarchy. TP'ers are mostly an object lesson on why you shouldn't use lead-based paint on cribs.

      1. ttommyunger

        Relative Humidity: when sweat drips off your sack onto your sister-in-law's taint. You're welcome!

    1. tessiee

      This is clearly discrimination of some sort.
      As a straight woman, I demand my fair share of hot, swollen, turgid, erect penis.

  4. Gopherit

    That damn gay pressure again. How can the fox personalities take it? All of those pictures and videos out there on the internet…..just calling. It's more than Beck and Hannity can take, godblessem.

    1. bagofmice

      I was thinking about how about how adding a syllable would ruin the cadence, but it doesn't really. You just have to stress the second syllable of "under" so that you can slip the "gay" in.

      "UnDER gay Pressure"…

  5. GeneralLerong

    Heh – an Amazon flying-monkey-poop review that persuaded me to immediately buy a Kindle copy of 31 Bond Street:

    "This book is advertised on Wonkette, a Web site that ridiculed Sara Palin's down syndrome son. If this book is advertised to devotees of that site, I will not read it."

    Now trying to think which relatives and/or friends might enjoy a copy of Larry Flynt's One Nation Under Sex…

    1. tessiee

      "Heh – an Amazon flying-monkey-poop review that persuaded me to immediately buy a Kindle copy of 31 Bond Street"

      Oh! Thanks for the reminder!
      I'd been meaning to check that out of the library, and when I saw your comment, I put the book on hold.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Larry Craig had been smart, he would have said he was relieving gay pressure when he was at the air port.

  7. SorosBot

    Gay Pressure is what most of the fundamentalist homophobes feel whenever they watch 300 or pro wrestling.

  8. Doktor Zoom

    I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

    1. ttommyunger

      I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

  9. ogradybt

    I'll just lay this out and let someone else fill in the gaps: Queen is the Obama administration, Bowie is, uh, gay rights groups, and Vanilla Ice is Fox News for stealing the NYT beat and then laming it out.

  10. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    I guess the gay Mafia made them a gay offer they couldn't gayfuse.

    Gay. Gay. Gaaaaaaaay.

  11. facehead

    "Gaydar" is old-fashioned and unreliable, Gaybarometers are the new hip thing with all the cool young lawyers.

  12. Doktor Zoom

    The important thing is to make sure that you apply the Firm Gay Pressure of the Law consistently, slowly increasing the tempo, and consulting with your Partners to make sure they are in concurrence. Then, slowly remove their Amicus briefs.

    If it Pleasures the Court….

    1. riverside68

      David is that you? You never called back, I'd love to see you again, even just for 5 minutes, okay 10, oh god make it 15 please?

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Reminds me of my great aunts in Cedar Rapids named Gay and Gladys. I was about 12 when Aunt Gay called her sister "Happybottom," which puzzled the hell out of me. I finally asked my mom, and she said it was a variation on Glad-ass, which is a happy bottom. I think of the Gays and Happybottoms of the world often and smile, because I love my Gay, Glad-ass family.

    1. emmelemm

      I really, really hope that story is real, because it's possibly the most adorably charming thing I've read this week (possibly month)!

      1. EatsBabyDingos

        It is true! They were twin sisters to my Grandma, Althea, who was affectionately known as Sal for reasons that are mysterious…Thanks for your post!

    2. mourningnmerica

      If you take the name Gladys, and distill the queer out of it, it leaves LDS. Coincidence?

  14. Steverino247

    While I'm not a fan of homosexuality (any more than I am a fan of any of the billions of possible human genetic outcomes), I do understand that it is a naturally occurring phenomenon and that homosexuals have no more choice about the matter than I did about being heterosexual. Or being tall. Or having those features called "Caucasian." Or being male. Or being blue-eyed. Thus, any human rights accorded to me should be accorded to any other human.

    What's so fucking hard to understand about that, FOX News fans?

        1. jqheywood

          Oh, there is a special place in hell for them…if hell existed, of course, which it doesn't, but if it did…oooooh boy, fricassee city!

    1. smitallica

      It's not that it's hard for Fox News to understand. They understand it perfectly. They ALSO understand that their viewership is made up entirely of mouth-breathing fuckwits, the people who make it necessary for Pop-Tarts to come with directions on the box.

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    The gay couple that owns the wine bar I frequent always try to get me to buy the BV Georges de Latour instead of the Goats Do Roam. Is that gay pressure?

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    You guys laugh but high gay pressure can have serious health consequences. I've known guys who have hit the gym six days a week because of high gay pressure. Some of us have nearly bankrupted ourselves trying to treat it.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "I've known guys who have hit the gym six days a week because of high gay pressure."

      You'd think that would only make it worse.

  17. CapnFatback

    I was always under the impression that gay pressure was a necessary step in applying sequins to a entertainer's garment. Apparently, that lawsuit just got bedazzled!

  18. SorosBot

    Since Riley's already done the Bowie/Queen reference:

    ♫ You have to learn to pace yourself ♫
    ♫ Gay Pressure ♫
    ♫ You're just like everybody else ♫
    ♫ GayPressure ♫
    ♫ You've only had to fuck so far ♫
    ♫ So good ♫
    ♫ But you will come to a place ♫
    ♫ Where the only thing you feel ♫
    ♫ Are loaded dicks in your face ♫
    ♫ And you'll have to deal with ♫
    ♫ Gay Pressure ♫

  19. weejee

    Faux Newz needs moar Viagra to stand tall against ghey pressure.

    further to Serolf_Divad: F = ma
    where F = Faux News, m = morans, and a = asshats.

  20. GuyClinch

    Slightly OT, but Prop 8 supporters are now saying the fed judge who ruled it unconstitutional should've recused himself b/c he's gay. By this logic, how could a breeder judge not have to recuse himself? Prop 8 supporters are stupid fucking ass-hookahs.

      1. GuyClinch

        I know, I know, but even so, sometimes when I step back and grasp the totality of their stupid and cognitive dissonance, it turns my snark off.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      It's especially hilarious in that this very argument undermines any attempt they might make that straight people have a compelling interest – and therefore standing – to sue over it.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Couldn't be a Republiklan. No self respecting Republiklan would ever engage in carnal knowledge with another member of the same sex. And certainly never outside the bonds of matrimony.

  21. widestanceroman

    While America tearfully braces itself, gay pressure mounts a massive thrust against DOMA, pounding its way to a triumphant victory.

  22. freakishlywrong

    again 2 % of the population trying to dictate to the other 98 %.
    Again. Wingnuts exhibit more fucking projection than fucking Cannes.

  23. JustPixelz

    Of course, the opposite of Gay Pressure is Gay Suction. But, paradoxically, same effect. With enough gay suction even the firmest of law firms will hand off this case to some Johnny-come-lately rather than blow it for Boehner.

  24. Poindexter718

    It's the emasculating Planned Parenthood & Code Pink Ladies' fault that Mark Foley, Larry Craig, George "Rentboy" Rekers and now this fine law firm are succumbing to the Gay Pressure.

  25. chascates

    Gay agenda revealed:
    Democrats Want To Recruit Gay Immigrants To "Bring Down" America http://onenewsnow.com/Politics/Default.aspx?id=13
    A grassroots border enforcement advocate is not surprised that a group of far left-wing congressional members would introduce a bill that gives special consideration to homosexuals who want to immigrate to the United States.
    But he says this legislation fits right into the left's agenda of changing the traditional values that made America great.
    "They're looking to bring in anybody challenging the established culture inside the United States that they want to bring down," Gheen suggests.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh damn, the racism and homophobia there are just amazing. They refer to immigration as "importation"; and giving gay couples the same status as straight couples for family-based immigration is not "special consideration" but equal consideration, you fucks.

    2. mourningnmerica

      "…left's agenda of changing the traditional values that made America great…" Homosexuals – They Want America to Suck


      Homosexuals – Bringing America to It's Knees

  26. OneYieldRegular

    This is certainly deeply tragic and outrageous, given that straight pressure has never caused any adverse consequences for a gay person.

  27. prommie

    "Gay pressure" is when the invisible hand of the market gives your balls a good sharp squeeze.

    1. mrblifil

      Oh shit the downfister hates that I know something about ska revival bands of the eighties. May Buster Bloodvessel smother you with his tongue Downfister!

  28. mrblifil

    With all the recent advances in lubrication and muscle relaxant technology, Gay Pressure is nowhere near the problem it used to be.

  29. Chet Kincaid

    Tea Party Members and other Conservatives: Check your Gay Pressure weekly, or even daily, if you are experiencing symptoms! Fortunately, there are many clinics in rest stops and public bathrooms nationwide where Gay Pressure can be assessed quickly and easily. (However, this may not be reimbursable through your Communist Flexible Spending Account.)

  30. ttommyunger

    I have no doubt Doocey and his dark-haired little friend feel gay pressure every time Barry is on the tube; better known as the pressure building up inside their little knickers when their tiny pee-pees get hard.

  31. Steverino247

    I wonder what happens if you're suddenly de-gay-pressurized? Do you get the bend-overs?

    1. tessiee

      I thought the rule was that nothing counts if you're:
      1. Drunk,
      2. On vacation,
      3. Don't know each other's names.

  32. Chet Kincaid

    Thank you! You know, I loved The Specials and The Beat when they first came out (har har), but somehow never actually heard a Selecter song until today, although I knew of them.

  33. BZ1

    The hoary old canard is being trotted out again (have I mixed enough metaphors…) that conceding anything to the gayz, is opening the way for every other "interpretation" for marriage, like marrying a piano stool or a banana peel…

    1. Negropolis

      Do the kids still use it that way? I'm only in my mid-20's, but it was kind of dying out back when I was in high school.

      Using gay as a pejorative is so gay.

  34. Negropolis

    If you're gay pressure lasts longer than 4 hours…well, you've found yourself a good lay, I guess. If only everyone's pressure could last so long.

  35. DarwinianDemon

    So Republicans wanted to pay this firm 500K dollars to defend DOMA? But I thought they were all about small government and reigning in spending? I'm shocked!

    On a totally unrelated note, I just woke up from a 40 year coma. Did I miss anything?

  36. tessiee

    Freddie Mercury and 70s-era David Bowie were so fine they transcended all categories of "straight", "gay", "male", "female", and almost, "human". They were just gorgeous vortexes of cool and sexeh.

  37. tessiee

    "tent the Repubs have erected"

    I see what you did there, although calling it "big" might not be strictly accurate.

  38. tessiee

    Somewhere on youtube, Britney Spears has a video where she's crying and yelling, 'LEAVE THE GEIGH ALONE!!"

Comments are closed.