his sensei cannot be proud

Chuck Norris Commits Plagiarism In His Column All the Time

Not an English professor in this, we guess?Yesterday, we were writing a joke about Chuck Norris copy-and-pasting other people’s “information” into his column when we realized, yes, this is probably exactly what he did. We checked, and, what do you know, he did plagiarize parts of that op-ed. Is it surprising the man who’s responsible for stuff like this isn’t exactly intellectually honest? No. But it is rather surprising he got this by Creators Syndicate, which, despite the man being known for kicking rather than rousing political commentary, manages to place his column in actual newspapers and also crappy conservative websites like WoldNetDaily, Townhall, NewsBusters, the American Family Association, and Human Events. And it’s even more surprising considering Chuck Norris plagiarizes in his column hilariously often, according to today’s WONKETTE INVESTIGATION.

We have yet to receive comment from Norris or Creators Syndicate on yesterday’s column, which already appears on the websites of WND, the AFA, and Townhall. NewsBusters, which has yet to post it on their site, said they would contact Creators Syndicate and “suggest they have a problem.” Will Creators Syndicate stand up to Norris and ask him to explain himself? Or does his reputation strike fear into their hearts? We’ll have to see.

We’ve only made it through the columns published by Norris in the past two months or so, but it’s pretty clear he doesn’t see any problem with lifting the writing of others to fill out his inane viewpoints.

Compare this paragraph from his April 18 column:

President Barack Obama’s adviser on Muslim affairs, Dalia Mogahed, appeared on a British television show hosted by a member of an extremist group to talk about Shariah law. Miss Mogahed said the Western view of Shariah was “oversimplified” and that the majority of women around the world associate it with “gender justice.”

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To this 2009 news article in the Daily Telegraph:

President Barack Obama’s adviser on Muslim affairs, Dalia Mogahed, has provoked controversy by appearing on a British television show hosted by a member of an extremist group to talk about Sharia Law.

Miss Mogahed [...] said the Western view of Sharia was “oversimplified” and the majority of women around the world associate it with “gender justice”.

Compare this selection from Norris’ February 14 column:

The Arabic studies program, funded by a five-year, $1.3 million Foreign Language Assistance Program federal grant, was to begin this semester at Cross Timbers Intermediate School in Mansfield School District, then spread to neighboring Davis Elementary and Howard Middle schools in the fall and to Summit High School by fall 2012.

To this paragraph from an article that appeared in the Mansfield News Mirror days before:

The Arabic studies program, funded by a federal five-year $1.3 million Foreign Language Assistance Program (FLAP) grant, was to begin this semester at Cross Timbers, then spread to Davis Elementary and Howard Middle Schools in the fall and to Summit High school by the fall of 2012.

But sometimes the martial artist gets so bored writing his political column that he plagiarizes himself. The first half of his February 28 column on communist teachers indoctrinating our children (setting aside the truth of that assertion) appears to be new material. But the second half is lifted entirely from the chapter “Calling All Millenials!” in his 2008 New York Times bestselling book Black Belt Patriotism.

Starting at “There’s something the U.S. government and unions don’t want you to know,” Norris copy-and-pasted six straight paragraphs from his book, changing around a few words along the way to try to protect himself, we guess. But then a seventh paragraph is announced as an excerpt from the book. Not only is Norris dumb enough to plagiarize, he’s consistently dumb enough to point to just exactly where he’s lifting material.

We really think Chuck Norris should give up his ridiculously bad op-eds and stick to stuff like this:

Or, kicking. He’s good at kicking, at least!

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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122 comments

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Chuck is just one of those, whadayacallits, a "content aggregator." Very hi-tech, web-techy, 2.oh type stuff.

  1. OneDollarJuana

    I'm guessing that this column is an example of one time that Chuck was stumped asked to "punch it up".

  2. WinterOuthouse

    He can't help it. He's Walker Texas Ranger Republican Extraordinaire he must spout talking points even though he is unable to form a coherent sentence without cue cards. It's hard to be kicked in the head over an over and over and over and over and over again and not be completely right of center.

  3. Captain_Quark

    Chuck Norris is a fucking socialist — spreading the word wealth around like Leon Trotsky in a skimpy little MMA singlet. From the look of the outfit, you'd have to bet he's gay, too. Chuck "Commie Village Person" Norris.

    1. $exy$murf

      Chuck Norris doesn't have sex with men because he's gay, but because he's already had sex with every woman.

      EDIT: On second thought he's just gay.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

      1. neiltheblaze

        I upfisted all three of these hilarious comments. Anti-Breitbart Troll patrol gets like that sometimes.

    2. DangerHelvetica

      I'm going to pause until somebody epistulates an amusing remark and then xerox it and submit it personally.
      (that'll get around those sniffing liberal pricks)

    3. DashboardBuddha

      Going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself, I am. Hmmmmmm.

    4. Lost_Teabaggers

      Well…you could find one of your own snarky classics and repost it after altering the words slightly.

      I'm not going to say Chuck Norris is lazy, but Jayson Blair, Stephen Glass, Palin, Beck and Gerald Posner all shook their heads simulataneously and said "dayum, what a lazy psycho"

      Also, why the fuck is Norris plagiarizing anyone? It's not like he has anything to do all day aside from wander around in unitards and have rough sex with his rentboy, Phillipe; he's like the Peg Bundy of wingnuts.

  4. edgydrifter

    Chuck Norris doesn't plagiarize. Chuck Norris writes these words in the future and then sends them backwards in time on neutrino waves propagating from his infinite consciousness so that other, lesser, writers may receive them telepathically and publish them in the past.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Chuck does not plagiarize because he is omniscient.
      If there were two omniscients, Chuck would be both of them.
      ( I plagiarized that from Devin Townsend's Ziltoid the Omniscient.)

    1. DaRooster

      I must say… I own a Total Gym and it IS the best machine for me…
      But I got because of Christie Brinkley… not Chuck Norris.

  5. CliveWarren

    The title of that youtube clip: "Walker Texas Ranger – Dream Sequence (high quality)"

    I beg to differ…

    1. JustPixelz

      Was it Norris dreaming a woman would marry him? Or the woman dreaming someone would shoot him? Or was it Mike Huckabee dreaming about beards?

  6. WinterOuthouse

    Leave it to the librul scum bag Marxists socialists communist elitist pukes to actually complain about plagiarism.

    1. Ruhe

      No less an actor than Ian McKellan once said that the key for a good actor was to avoid trying to show the audience what he was feeling and simply to feel what he's feeling. In Chuck's case he's feeling his foot upside your head and whether you get his expression or not you'll be feeling it too, soon.

  7. freakishlywrong

    "2008 New York Times bestselling book Black Belt Patriotism. "
    You're kidding, right? Please tell me you're kidding.

    1. Janinthepan

      Lemme think 2008…… yeah I'd say a good majority of my male high school students were pretty obsessed with Chuck Norris. I could see them or their parents buying that book.

    2. Rotundo_

      It's how rightwing welfare works: Get in front of cameras and babble pre digested talking points on behalf of GOP. Get book contract with Regnery or similar publisher. Think tank donations buy pallets of books which are then given away as campaign "gifts" or freebies for subscribing to shitty rightwing magazine. Remainders sold at dollar stores. Remainder not sold used to heat warehouses where books are stored by the pallet load. That way idiots who can't speak a coherent sentence "write" books with "ghost" writers and make the times list despite being utter shit. Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Ah, you beat me to the punch with that explanation….good show. Yes, they started that shit clear back in the 70's with the "News Twisters" which got the media persecution meme off and running. It's funny how long manipulating the debate through pure lies has been such a conservative calling card. It's even funnier that our media is still stupid enough to buy said tactic; also, I wonder how many Heritage doucheballs received a complimentary copy of "Going Rouge" for contributing $5.

  8. V572..whatever

    I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    You guys better be careful or Chuck is gonna come over and fuck you up, like he did to those kids in that Mountain Dew ad.

    1. V572..whatever

      Granted, it's kind of like picking on a retard WHO CAN KICK YOUR ASS! so it's okay.

  10. Ruhe

    Gaghh! That dream sequence! I just want to yell at the screen "Chuck, she's sucking you in, she's sucking you in!" and then it's to late and you see him writhing in pain as she inserts the ovipositor. Oh, Chuck, it's not your essence they want. It's just your thoracic cavity.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Eh, makes sense when you consider most conservatives under their tough guy routines are just pussies frontin'. But, I thought Bruce Lee kicked Chuckie boy's ass so hard when he woke up he was a fundie….ya know, post concussion derangement; looks like he hasn't gotten any better since….

    2. CthuNHu

      Since Bruce Lee died, only two things can take Chuck Norris down hard:

      1: Saying "I love you." (See video.)
      2: Cursory googling by a communist panda sex blog.

  11. GuyClinch

    I think this whole plagiarism thing is just how poor Norris is coping with being plagiarized himself–it must've really hurt him when Joe Miller plagiarized his beard/face-rug/whatever

  12. Hatrabbit

    Hey guys, did you read Chuck Norris's new Op-Ed piece in the New Yorker:

    'Chuck Norris Plagiarizes In His Column All the Time'

  13. MittsHairHelmet

    Chuck Norris doesn't read other people's columns. He just stares them down until he gets the information he needs to plagiarize for his own column.

  14. ttommyunger

    I refuse to believe Chuckles is a plagiarist. Why? I refuse to believe Chuckles is personally responsible for any of the drivel in his columns. I honestly don't think he could pen coherent directions for pouring piss out of a boot. BTW, why does he have to exaggerate EVERYTHING! I've been known to raise one foot a little to rip one off, maybe roll over on one cheek when I'm sitting, but that cover; that's a little much just to break wind, dontcha think? I mean, do his farts have to be knockouts, too?

    1. tessiee

      "I've been known to raise one foot a little to rip one off, maybe roll over on one cheek when I'm sitting, but that cover; that's a little much just to break wind, dontcha think? I mean, do his farts have to be knockouts, too? "

      *scoffs*
      Amateur!
      A Chuck Norris fart isn't just an ordinary fart. A Chuck Norris fart rattles windows for miles around, causes birds to drop to the ground in mid-flight, creates tsunamis, and has been known to disrupt the space-time continuum.

  15. DaRooster

    Did he go to Harvard?
    Chuck Norris doesn't need to write "his own" words… he just threatens his computer and it picks out the best words written online already.

  16. 4TheTurnstiles

    This puts him in a profound spiritual dimension, on a plan with the great Eck Masters Fubbi Quantz, Dap Ren, and the literary master Peddar Zaskq. The Flutes of Chi!

  17. Goonemeritus

    Chuck Norris from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee.

  18. weejee

    Four scored and seven beers ago our fathers brought forth, a coupon for the incontinent, a new notion, conceived in puberty, and dedicated to the fact that when it comes to prostitution that all men are created equal.

    Think my cutting & pasting needs moar work. Will Chuckie put out a tape on how to do this?

  19. Oblios_Cap

    The one positive thing that I can say about Chuck Norris is that at least he is not Ted Nugent.

  20. SorosBot

    This shouldn't surprise anyone, since he plagiarized the Chuck Norris Facts webpage in his ads and speeched for Huckabee in the 2008 primary.

  21. Hatrabbit

    Chuck Norris, you are a Pussy and I can't wait to kick your lady ass out if its 'Hello Kitty' panties.

    Want a piece? You know where to find me you big Sissy-Whore

    Yours sincerely,

    Lindsey Graham.

  22. CapnFatback

    Just wait 'til it gets out that the Bowflex is just made up of spare Nautilus machine parts.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    There's nothing you can write that ain't been wrote
    No one you can kick whose bell ain't been rung
    Nothing you can't steal when you learn how to play the game
    It's easy

    1. genxr

      Nobody told me there'd be world net dailies like these.
      Wing nuts indeed, most peculiar baby.

  24. Terry

    Chuck has probably been using a poorly paid personal assistant to write the columns for him. In this case, the personal assistant is, apparently, a high school boy.

  25. __kth__

    I would never have guessed that a guy whose entire movie career was a series of quickie Golan-Globus low-budget knock-offs of successful action movies (Sidekicks = Karate Kid, Missing In Action = Rambo, Invasion USA = Red Dawn, Firewalker = Romancing the Stone) would try to run the same scam in the world of psychotic punditry.

  26. Redhead

    Well, when you say he plagiarized his own book, you're assuming that he wrote the book.

    And I imagine you'd find the rest of those "columns" plagiarized from the comments sections on Beck's website.

  27. hagajim

    Look – Chuck just figured that if Faux can just recycle whatever Rupublican talking point that Rush has hit on for the day, he might as well recycle as well. Who knew, Chuck Norris is the first greenie.

  28. neiltheblaze

    It's hard to write originally about so many received ideas. Especially if you're a cement-headed jock with no imagination.

  29. politics_nerd

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Problem: Chuck Norris is a muttering twit, and his tears actually only burn through the hull.

  30. TheMightyHaltor

    To steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is even more plagiarism.

    Why do I love Wonkette? Because "plagiarism" and all its forms are spelled correctly in every comment they appear. What other site could make that claim?

  31. aguacatero

    Jack,
    When you (rightfully) win your Pulitzer for this, you should totally turn it down to maintain your outsider status — i think there is probably a way to turn down the "prize" while keeping the "prize money."

  32. stevied111

    I swear the cover photo of the DVD pictured shows Norris about to apply some "gay pressure". Richard Simmons probably watches that with Wesson oil and tissues handy…..

  33. LeAlbatross

    Robertson *and* Norris. Two lunatics that should have taken their Zimmer-frames and gone home long ago.

    1. CalamityJames

      I have not, but I have seen many Keyboard Cat/ Walker Dorkus Ranger collabs, so I can only assume it adds the much-needed suspense involved with a statement like "Walker told me I have AIDS."

  34. gurukalehuru

    I'm going to wait until someone posts a funny comment and then copy it and post it myself.

    Also, I had never before noticed the resemblance between Chuck Norris and Richard Simmons, but there it is.

  35. BZ1

    Does anyone really think The Chuck actually writes these columns? It's easier to have a trained stooge like, let's say, Rebecca A. Mansour…

    1. Rotundo_

      Becky is trained? I didn't think she was house trained let alone trained in anything worthwhile. And don't use the term stooge to describe Ms. Mansour, I like the stooges, that overly hirsute walking mess shouldn't be mentioned with talents like the boys.

  36. zhubajie

    Well, if he really were a eunuch martial artist, then kicking him in the crotch wouldn't disable him….

  37. tessiee

    My apologies if this offends anyone, but that picture is gayer than Gay McGayerson, the Mayor of Gayville.

  38. poncho_pilot

    this is how i feel about Chuck Norris: after watching him get shot my first thought was, "i guess that chick is single, now. i'd hit that."

  39. theusualbs

    "But sometimes the martial artist gets so bored writing his political column that he plagiarizes himself. The first half of his February 28 column on communist teachers indoctrinating our children (setting aside the truth of that assertion) appears to be new material. But the second half is lifted entirely from the chapter “Calling All Millenials!” in his 2008 New York Times bestselling book Black Belt Patriotism."

    You cannot plagiarize your own intellectual property

    "Not only is Norris dumb enough to plagiarize, he’s consistently dumb enough to point to just exactly where he’s lifting material."

    Is it just me… or is that by definition not plagiarism – by definition

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