leading sexologists

Allen West: Evil Women Keeping Men From Fixing Budget

Allen West compared American politics to the movie 300 last week, because that’s of course the best analogy for anything, especially if you’re face down on the beer-soaked floor of a frat house or something like that. Why is it that this huge country runs a budget deficit? Women. Stupid women are always like, “Don’t murder the poor,” and sap men of the testosterone they need to balance the budget. The rarer breed, conservative women, though, shut up and stand aside so the men can do their penis-required work. Sounds about right.

WEST: We need you to come in and lock shields, and strengthen up the men who are going to the fight for you. To let these other women know on the other side — these planned Parenthood women, the Code Pink women, and all of these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness — to let them know that we are not going to have our men become subservient. That’s what we need you to do. Because if you don’t, then the debt will continue to grow…deficits will continue to grow.

Stop forcing men to spend all that money on war, Code Pink! Why do you want America to waste so many resources we don’t have on defense? Men like those in that 300 documentary Allen West saw hate war and its costs.

Go back to your socialist-run dollhouses and let the guys with the dumb flat-top haircuts fix the country, okay? [Think Progress]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. JoshuaNorton

    Is the reason the wingnuttery has a problem with "feminism" not because it emancipates women but because feminism must be the only reason why women won’t talk to/touch them?

    Sorry, just mumbling to myself…

  2. WinterOuthouse

    Keep your legs spread and hotdish warm. Men take care of the hard things lil lady. Now, bend over and let Daddy have some

    1. zhubajie

      And if you read farther in Herodotus, the Greek leaders all ended up defecting to the Persian side because their own people turned on them….

    1. Thurman Munster IV

      My kid chides me for using the R word. Mr. Clod, never say Republican again in public.

        1. bebopluvr

          Dang, you beat me to it. 'cept I'd have used "pleonasm" to prove to Donald Trump that I'm smart.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      That's new? What did it replace, "Let's all go the bathouse…to get ourselves some buttsex" : sung exactly like the old intermission song:

      1. tessiee

        "sung exactly like the old intermission song"

        And using the dancing cartoon hot dog from the original movie.

  3. SorosBot

    Hm; nope, testicles are still there, somehow despite being a liberal the women haven't neutered me yet.

    1. Cheetah Repeater

      Well, let's check the Real Conservative Man list (partial):
      • Are you edjamacated?
      • Do you 'like' nice stuff?
      • Do you think before you act?
      • Do you fap to video of Sarah Lou Palin playing beauty pageant flute?

  4. AynWithStupid

    West, get off your high horse, take a deep breath and know you're not alone. Life doesn't make sense half the time to us women-folks either. If we lived like we had any sense, it's the men who'd ride side-saddle.

  5. philpjfry

    So let me get this straight……If women don't stick up for the men, so the men can feel more masculine, the national debt will continue to grow. Man you can't make this stuff up.

  6. samsuncle

    Allen must have forgotten that in this country women control 50% of the wealth and 100% of the pussy.

  7. Oblios_Cap

    Because if you don’t, then the debt will continue to grow…deficits will continue to grow.

    Women – damn the deficits; make my man-parts keep growing!

  8. elviouslyqueer

    Oooh, sounds like somebody's gonna get a cast iron skillet upside the head when they get home.

  9. ManchuCandidate

    THIS! IS! THE! G! O! P!

    The use of stupid movie 300 as a metaphor for US America still makes me laugh especially when GOPers compare themselves to the Spartans, the most gay (and one of the more vicious) army in the history of mankind.

    1. V572..whatever

      Plus their society was even more based on slavery than the Athenians'. Twenty-five helots* per citizen, but some estimates.
      *Google it, Mr West. You'll learn something about the "freedom" the Spartans were fighting for

  10. ablington

    Gender War? Bring it on, fatso. I'm polishing up my pink (for breast cancer awareness) Rachel Ray brand neutering knife JUST FER YOU.

  11. noodlesalad

    We would save some serious government dough if we skipped out on public education, drafted every boy at the age of five, equipped them with leather armor and a spear, and sent them to Persia to die. In that we would have no government. Or is this Republican fantasizing about ladies stepping aside for sweaty, oily men in leather armor for another reason?

  12. Doktor Zoom

    And just like the Spartans, America's economic saviors need the love of a beautiful young man to inspire them.

  13. jus_wonderin

    Hey, Allen, let me introduce you to my eight year old Mom. I bet she'd have a choice word or two for you. BTW, is that helium or is your voice really that high? Ball-less wonder.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        Hi @HuffingtonPost I noticed that you didn't really cover @jus_wondering's 8 y/o mom's choice words for Allen West. How come? R u insane in the membrane or something? ph never mind. . . @jjmnolte

  14. SorosBot

    So America is like 300; this must mean that America is racist, unintentionally homoerotic, historically inaccurate, and based on a comic by a guy who was really good in the 80s but whose writing has turned to shit and has become a total crackpot over the past decade or so.

  15. Barb

    "Then the debt will continue to grow"
    The debt ceiling is in our vaginas? If so, where is Ft Knox?

  16. mumbly_joe

    He actually seems to be confusing the movie 300 and anything resembling actual spartan history. I don't know exactly why, beyond the overarching fascist overtones, but every wingnut and asshole ever loved 300, and will cite it inappropriately at the darndest times.

    On the other hand, since acutual Sparta certianly kept the eugenics and proto-fascism present in 300, and added generous helpings of pederasty and slavery (not depicted), I'm pretty sure most present day republicans would have loved historic Sparta, too.

  17. DashboardBuddha

    I want to make a smartassed comment, but I can't decide between:

    "I thought all the Neanderthals died out" or

    "GOP politics – so easy a caveman can do it."

    Fuck it…the guy's a doucebag.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    West concluded his speech with the old saw, "If they didn't have a pussy, there'd be a bounty on them."

  19. LabRodent

    So in his mind my wife been De-Nutting me all these years. The little lady gots some splaining to do.

  20. DemmeFatale

    A distant relative works for him, and proudly proclaims that he works for a black republican (like that's a GOOD thing).
    I guess West doesn't mind being considered a strategy instead of a human being.

  21. Ruhe

    "these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness"

    I scanned the comments carefully and can't believe no one has referenced General Ripper. Let me do it.

    Dude sounds like General Jack D. Ripper.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      It would appear that we were posting at the same time. Great minds, and all that. Or maybe just the Moronic Convergence.

    2. mumbly_joe

      Well, it *is* a well regarded fact for a long time now (i.e, from the 1600s) that women immasculate men by draining their vital essenses.

      In case it's not clear, "vital essenses" means semen.

  22. CapeClod

    This is of course the same man who claimed to have a higher security clearence than POTUS because those words coming out of his mouth made it a fact.

  23. loulouroo

    Gag. The juxtaposition of this with the news of my hero Poly Styrene dying makes me really want to put a boot up this pig's ass. Oh Allen West, UP YOURS!!!!!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Weird coincidence–NPR ran a glowing review of her new album yesterday afternoon, well before this news broke. Sadly, it was the first I'd heard of her.

      1. loulouroo

        I don't think it was a coincidence. Robert Christgau has been in the business for decades and probably had heard things were not looking good for her. Really sad. She stood for all the right things. I fell in love with her the first I heard of her in the late 70's.

  24. DaRooster

    Men need to "Man up"… don't blame the ladies. Thank God for truly strong women. I am glad to have my knife throwing, bow shooting, intelligent wife on my side… trust me, I don't want her against me… nor do you.

  25. Ruhe

    Van Heusen doesn't sound Greek but somebody had to be making those brief thingies the Spartans were wearing.

  26. JoshuaNorton

    We need you to come in and lock shields, and strengthen up the men who are going to the fight for you

    May I suggest the "Happy Ending" Room at the Chicken Ranch?

    1. zhubajie

      In real life, Pausanius, Spartan king, looked around the Persian commander's tent, after Plataea, said "so this is what it's like to be a king!" Then he had a Persian lunch and switched sides. Even took to wearing pants.

  27. bureaucrap

    Gay bars in DC are now regularly using clips from 300 in their video mixes. I could see how an in-the-closet politician might have had a couple of drinks at one of these bars and think to himself, "you know, I should make a reference to the movie in my next speech. Straight guys liked this movie too, didn't they???" Just sayin'.

  28. Blendergoathead

    shorter Allen West:

    "I need cock. Lots and lots of it, in every available orifice. Don't you understand?"

  29. Redhead

    "so the men can do their penis-required work."

    I thought that was forcing wiminz to have sechs with them and then forcing wiminz to have the baby (since wiminz don't get silly things like a say or the right to say "no") so they can convince the nascar medicaid scooter crowd that they're really straight while having sechs with their rentboys.

  30. SorosBot

    And Wally, the third and best Flash; and the second was Barry Allen, the dude must be named after both.

  31. WinterOuthouse

    Allen West has Vagina Envy. A well documented issue especially among men that women will not fuck.

  32. angryclownspawn

    Thanks for giving away all our secrets, West. Guess who just moved to the top of my list of "to be neutered"…

  33. SorosBot

    Not to mention that he doesn't actually give any reasons to believe that heaven or hell really exists; just reasons that he wants them to exist. I might wanna live forever too, but that doesn't mean I believe I will when all the evidence says that's impossible.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Right. But the whole argument here is sort of predicated on the proposition that Space Gandalf and his Eternal Afterlife Amusement Park both exist, so some level of that is just talking past people.

      The main issue is that torturing people, forever, just because they were born into the wrong culture or think the ghost stories about Jeebus are kinda far-fetched is more or less fundamentally at-odds with the notion of Space Gandalf as all-loving, and much more consistant with him being a vindictive tyrant that's a cross between Saddam Hussein and Lou Sarah.

      I read slacktivist from time to time, and they have some good bits on this particular discussion. It's kinda nice to remind myself that there are non-dickbag Christians out there, every once in a while.

  34. V572..whatever

    Yes but the Spartans looked so good, so buff, so ripped…Isn't that what really matters most, in life and in the movies?

    That sex w/boys was just a prison thing. THEY WERE NOT HOMOS!

  35. ttommyunger

    Snark aside, I am having a problem determining if this clown is clinically neurotic or just plain fucking stupid. He lost his Commission and his career when he employed torture tactics IN FRONT OF HIS FUCKING SUBORDINATES! I learned better than that before I made Sergeant and this asshole was a Lt. Colonel, fer Chrissakes. I am beginning to think he is just fucking stupid, which is scary as Hell. How do you make it to Light Col. when you are as dumb as a box of rocks? This is not good news for our Military. Also does not know shit about women, no surprises there, being a Rightard and all…

    1. mumbly_joe

      The word you're looking for is "fascism". Literally. The obsession with the country's Strength, and of competing political philosophies making the country weaker, the repeated insistance that liberalism needs to be destroyed, in literally those terms, and on top of it, the torture. Allen West is a literal textbook picture of fascist elements in 21st-century American politics. I mean, it's not as though it's a coincidence that his first pick for chief of staff was a radio host who forcfully advocated using violence if they don't get what the want from the democratic process.

      No snark here, at all. This guy is a lunatic and a fascist, and his popularity with the right's base literally only means ominous things.

      1. ttommyunger

        Shit! That's even scarier. But you have to wonder about his overall intelligence, judgement, etc. also, right? I mean it's one thing to be a Fascist, but to be a self-destructive one can't be smart, right?

  36. CapnFatback

    Allen West compared American politics to the movie 300 last week

    To be fair, West's comparison relied heavily on Boehner's set of rock-hard abs.

  37. KathrynSane

    I heard a story in my anthropology class about a Lakota tribe where this guy kept raping women who went to the stream to get water. The women went to the chief and were like, "Um, this asshole is raping us all the time, aren't you going to make him stop?" And the chief was like, "Nah, that's your problem, bitches."

    So the women got to talking. Turns out menstrual blood was thought of as a life-draining force to men in the tribe. Like if a women was menstruating and stepped over his spear (even if she didn't get anything on it) the man would be immediately emasculated, she had to be out of the teepee when she was menstruating, etc.

    Long story short, the women caught the guy and tied him down, and then every menstruating woman in the tribe lined up and one by one sat on his face. The guy was so horrified and disgusted and humiliated that he died.

    Anyway, I guess my point is that I wish a bunch of menstruating women would sit on this guy's face until he died.

    1. BarryOPotter

      "Hey, can someone get Poindexter a copy of the FFC Rule Book? Fucker's already doin' it wrong…"

  38. Gopherit

    There are entirely too few sandwiches being made for Allen West's tastes.

    He seems like the kind of guy who would be unafraid to leave a few pubes on beverages, just to remind some women what their job is.

  39. CookiE_MonstA

    Never under estimate the power of the va jay jay. (I normally avoid that term but it seems appropriate here.)

  40. MissusBarry

    I've never actually neutered anybody, but I'd be glad to start practicing on Mr. West. Shame on me for shirking my uppity bitch duties.

    Also, think of all the abortions all this neutering would prevent. Too. Perhaps this asshat doesn't know where the babies, er endangered species, come from since he's too busy hating on the pussy?

  41. Callyson

    Let me get this straight…West needs the womenfolk to help the men….so that the men don't become subservient to the women…whose help West needs…
    Tortured logic much?

  42. imissopus

    And if the debt keeps growing, we won't be able to give you ladies money for shoes. And we know how much you all love shopping for fancy footwear!

  43. Ramon X

    He wasn't referencing 300, which was about bodybuilding, he was referring to The Last Samurai. I saw that movie and it was about an old Japanese dude trying to get the last line of a poem he was writing. The whole movie. That's all it was about.

  44. __kth__

    West does not avoid women, but he denies them his essence.

    (edit: should have known another Wonketeer would have already posted this. Tough room!)

    1. tessiee

      How about we introduce him to that old shit from the other day who kept insisting he wasn't a racist?
      They'd realize that they agree on at least one thing (the wimmenz), and both commit suicide.
      Everybody wins!

  45. ShaveTheWhales

    It really is a classic. Heinlein gets a lot of well-deserved guff for his indecisive libertarianism and his long-winded later novels, but the guy did have some good concepts.

  46. ttommyunger

    2nd Looie Commissions are dime a dozen, but Lt. Col. is close to the Benchmark for a successful Military Career, Full Col. that's what scares me.

  47. mavenmaven

    "these women that have been neutering American men and bringing us to the point of this incredible weakness"

    Funny, this language of Mr. West, as CJ Jung had a similar idea about American weakness but with a different cause:

    Living together with barbaric [lower] races [especially with Negroes] exerts a suggestive effect on the laboriously tamed instinct of the white race and tends to pull it down. (Jung, 1910)

      1. mavenmaven

        Yes, unfortunately its usually of this bad kind. Jung thought Hitler, the new Wotan, would easily beat the US because Americans were weakened by the intermingling with lower races (he counted the Irish among the weakening influences…).

  48. BZ1

    Misogyny served up as a moral precept is still blatant misogyny; sorry, these people are beating all the funny out of me…

  49. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yes, this isn't a new conservative meme, it's just one they usually keep to themselves. That Allen West and his dumb flat top are farting this out says A) he's switched to decaf ball juice and is in a bad mood, B) yes, on top of being a war criminal, he's really that crazy, cheers florida! and/or C) he'll be caught in a comprimising situation in a mens room in 3…2…1….

    I mean, any guy who would go out and say something so laughably misogynistic in public swore off women long ago for secret page-sex, or has married a woman from a region so backwards she encourages his inane misogyny. I mean, personally…just looking at Allen West's exaggerated machoness, I'm thinkin' he's probably like R. Lee Ermey's character in "Saving Silverman".

  50. tessiee

    "that ends with the very hard-hitting question of whether Tony Soprano is in heaven. My guess, probably not, since Tony Soprano is a fictional character. "

    It also begs the question of whether Tony actually died in the series finale, since the ending left that ambiguous.

  51. zhubajie

    Rep(tilians) run around all day with their tiny junk hanging out? With weird helmet masks on their heads? Molesting boys?

  52. tessiee

    If by "affirmative action", you mean the Rs hiring a token black guy to prove that they cannot possibly be racist, then yes.

  53. zhubajie

    They were required to have gay sex with each other, like it or not. This is an army, after all. Some snuck out of the barracks at night to do it with their wives as well, or there'd've been no more Spartans (it was long term problem, anyway.)

  54. Negropolis

    No, snark, but this guy is a walking, talking vulgarity, a total and utter moving violation.

    I heard a lot of so-called liberals complaining about how "uncivil" they thought Alan Grayson on our side and that they were glad to see him grow and I just want to smack them. We don't have anything compared to those wacko bastards on the other side. Not even close.

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