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Tattooed Pig Urges Wonkabout To Leave DC (Goodbye Forever!)

Squirmish!Well hello! After two years of eating and drinking her way around this city so you could know which small plates, pork, hamburger or pizza establishment is worthy of your hard-earned disposable income, it is time for your Wonkabout to leave the playground that is D.C. She is off to learn things in grad school, after which she’ll probably be unemployed, burdened by debt and unable to afford her pork habit. Wish her luck! But really, it was all fun and games until tattooing a dead pig for charity became an acceptable D.C. springtime activity … and then she knew it was time to go.

What a better way to end than with a listicle of Arielle’s D.C. musings. In first person, of course:

  • Eat breakfast: Every once in a while, on Saturday or Sunday, indulge in the esoteric art of eating breakfast, as opposed to brunch, that is. Sure, mimosas are great, but there’s nothing wrong with the long lost meal known as breakfast. If you want to enjoy a simple, easy, no-frills, inexpensive, alcohol-free morning meal out, I (I!) recommend Point Chaud Cafe and Crepes, Pica Taco, Sova, or the Dupont Market.
  • Jewish deli: Someone, please build a real, good, authentic Jewish deli in the District of Columbia. Please. Maybe instead of another dimly lit, nondescript bistro we could have just one good Jewish deli?
  • Do not be afraid of eating inside: D.C.’s food trucks serve great food, but it’s okay if you don’t want to stand around like a dumb idiot in the freezing rain and instead choose to enter an actual building to eat, just like they do in Real America! My (my!) favorite indoor eating places include: Rosemary’s Thyme, Red Rocks Pizzeria, Thaitanic, Zaytinya, Potenza, Bar Pilar, Hank’s Oyster Bar, Granville Moors, and American Ice Company.
  • The New York-ification of D.C.: Resist the urge to find the “New York aspect” of every new bar/restaurant that opens. One, because it’s not like New York cares, and two, because you don’t get a free cookie just because you ate somewhere that was deemed “New York-like.” D.C. is a great city in and of itself. Period.
  • Do things other than eat and drink: D.C. may have tons of great restaurants and bars, but it’s also home to many great non-food-based establishments that are worthy of your disposable income, including the Woolly Mammoth Theater, Arena Stage, Theater J, HR-57, and West End Cinema.
  • Tattooing a pig is not a good idea: It’s self indulgent. It doesn’t matter if the pig was college educated or got to frolic on organically harvested grass or even listened to the soothing sounds of Jewel’s greatest hits while it was being slaughtered. Have we reached the point in D.C. where eating has become such an overly-gluttonous activity so far removed from why we eat in the first place that when someone said, “Let’s tattoo a dead pig for the laffs and then eat it” no one felt a need to object? And even if, as it turns out, this is accepted as “job training” in the tattoo industry, do we really need to have five-course $65 dinner that flippantly exploits this and removes any dignity the pig once had? Why is culinary innovation in D.C. limited to never-ending pig roasts, gimmicks and turning unhealthy foods like doughnuts into absurd gourmet eats so that they can become more than appropriate for the culinary dignified among us? Anyone? Whatever happened to eating healthy food?

But on a better note: Thank you times a billion to Ken, Jim, Sara, Josh, Jack, Juli, Liz and Riley for everything! Here’s to craft beer, small plates, pork, table taps, cheese plates, and expensive cocktails. It’s been fun! THE END.

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About the author

Arielle Fleisher is the Wonkabout. She roams D.C. seeking tasty foods, cheap drinks, whole-pig BBQs, think tank events, street fairs and other local horrors.

View all articles by Arielle Fleisher

Hola wonkerados.

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41 comments

  1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Is tattooed pork double-unkosher? Or is it like multiplying two negative numbers?

  2. Mumbletypeg

    This is sad news for Riley. Who will accompany him now on his missions to pelt our elected leaders with the tough questions on our hearts? Godspeed Arielle. And may your stolen camera be recovered someday, with the pics depicting our 'wild side' (pfft — just mostly drunk and dizzy really) from last fall's wonk-roundup still intact.

  3. freakishlywrong

    Good on ya, Miz Arielle! An edumucated hobo will be able to have pork n' beans. Learn things!

  4. SayItWithWookies

    And I still keep hoping the good things in life will go on forever, despite massive evidence to the contrary. Oh well — best wishes for grad school Arielle!

  5. OneDollarJuana

    My grandfather, the surgeon, had a tattoo. Mounted on a board. That he would pass around at parties (which were frequent).

  6. JustPixelz

    Oh noes. But more importantly, who will be America's Next Wonkabout? Twelve will start out, but only one will be left standing. And that's just at Arielle's going away party.

  7. Badonkadonkette

    Good luck Arielle. I'll miss your illustrated gastronomic journal entries. Don't be a stranger, like that fickle Sara Smith lady.

  8. superdave

    Grad school? I was a grad student for 10 years, and I believe the experience was best summed up by the Ramones:

    Now I guess I'll have to tell 'em
    That I got no cerebellum
    Gonna get my Ph.D.
    I'm a teenage lobotomy

    I've enjoyed learning about DC hot spots from you and even checking out one or two. Good luck!

  9. SorosBot

    Good luck, Arielle! Sad to see that Wonkette will now become both more (metaphorically) and less (literally) of a sausage fest than it has been.

  10. EatsBabyDingos

    I'm opening a restaurant and going to have a porkburger-donut pizza the size of a half dollar that I will sell for $11.99 from a stove that uses old copies of "Atlas Shrugged" for fuel. I'll call it the "Arielle." For the Disney movie, since it'll have chopped sea monkies for a garnish.

  11. horsedreamer_1

    Arielle was a good eater, and a good woman. She was one of us. She was a woman who deigned to consume food-cart fare… and tattooed pork, and as a Wonketteer she explored the by-ways of the District, from Adams Morgan to Navy Yard and… up to… U Street. She departed, like so many young women of her generation, she enrolled in an MFA programme. In your wisdom, Lord, you took her, as you took so many bright flowering young women at Kenyon, at Swarthmore, at Mt. Holyoke. These young women gave their lives. And so would Arielle. Arielle, who loved eating. And so, Arielle Fleisher, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final Wonking remains to the bosom of the Potomac, which you barely tolerated. Good night, sweet princess.

  12. James Michael Curley

    Good luck,
    NJ has closed more great 'NY Delis' in the last ten years then WashDC ever opened.

  13. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Good luck Arielle. While I never made it to DC while you were writing your wonderful columns, I shall always picture you naked.

  14. elviouslyqueer

    She is off to learn things in grad school

    Oh please, Arielle. The only difference between Wonkette and grad school is that in grad school you pay other people exorbitant amounts of money for the privilege of being cranky, snarky, and bitter. Good luck, from one who's been there!

  15. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Eating tatooed pork, so you don't have to." Can Wonkette survive without a food critic? It's not like we read it for the snark or anything.

  16. bflrtsplk

    You beat me to it. Katz`s has the best – the best – corned beef and pastrami, even if it`s filthy and the help is not the most friendly. And don`t forget McSorley`s – sawdust on the floor and the bones of the the first chicken to evolve hanging over the bar and two kinds of beer light or dark served two at a time – and their liverwurst and opnion sandwiches. Now that is New Yawk.

  17. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Pig needs an amorphous orange hairpiece, then he could be on the tee-vee.

  18. thefrontpage

    Just one nit: Loeb's Deli is, indeed,an actual, real, good, authentic Jewish deli–really. And I recommend it highly to everyone. The Loeb family has been operating this great deli in D.C. for at least 50 years, possibly much longer, and they are indeed Jewish, and do indeed know and serve real Jewish food! Loeb's is currently operated by the kids of the founders, and they are dedicated to operating a real Jewish deli. And, folks, there are at least half a dozen real Jewish delis out in the suburbs–you just have to seek them out! But they are there!

  19. 102415

    Best wishes and so long but I don't understand why you can't tell us what to eat from where ever you are going? Please call us once in awhile and don't forget to take your vitamins. Oh wait, take some of this left over ham and some of this fruit too it's already wrapped up. Bye bye! Wait take the chocolate eggs!

  20. qwerty42

    "Goodbye Forever"???
    We'll miss you Arielle; best wishes on grad school (btw, what area?)

  21. payton

    Grad school: it's really what's atop most DC denizens' shopping lists, far ahead of PBR and pig offal. At least we can rest assured that the Wonkabout truly is from around here!

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