Bryan Fischer Opines On Lady Gaga, Admits He May Be Turning Into a Gay

  eww! cooties!

Soon to have some fashion sense, hopefully?The 2012 Republican presidential field’s favorite Jesus-band radio host, the American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer, routinely professes to the world how disgusting gay people are, just in case people forgot and briefly thought he may enjoy penises being inserted into his rectum. But this latest column is a bit of a departure. He leads off with an opinion on whether Lady Gaga is original or merely a ripoff of Madonna, for one, which is not something everyday red-blooded American men usually talk about when they make pained conversation with one another after church. “Sexual orientation is fluid and is hardly a fixed, immovable thing,” Fischer says now. Uh oh, gays. Is Bryan Fischer about to join your team? Have your sexy bodies turned him into an ex-straight?

Fischer’s argument is that because he found a post by a lesbian on the blog Pam’s House Blend about feeling attracted to a man, gays should not have rights.

She sheepishly admits that “I didn’t intend to love this Marine,” and then ruefully acknowledges that “bisexuality happens, ok?” which is just another way of saying that even she has been forced to admit that sexual orientation is fluid and is hardly a fixed, immovable thing. She is living proof. [...]

We’ve often made the point that race is immutable but sexual orientation is not. We don’t know any ex-blacks, but we do know ex-gays. Now everybody who reads “Pam’s House Blend” knows one too.

Man, wouldn’t it be great if we could make blacks white, though? Bryan gets excited just thinking about it!

 
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Fischer thinks he has destroyed the gay rights movement with this “discovery” but doesn’t realize the problem with saying “sexuality is fluid” is that it means straight men like him can suddenly want to have sex with a man at any second. He’s got to be VERY CAREFUL not to let his fluid mind start wanting to suck cocks.

Even Lady Gaga is perpetuating the myth with her new song, “Born This Way,” which is receiving notorious attention mostly for being a blatant rip-off of the Madonna song “Express Yourself.”

Bryan Fischer’s opinions of the world are now dictated by his interpretation of Lady Gaga and Madonna music. No, this cold-hearted bigot not starting to turn gay. Why would you ever think that? [AFA]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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147 comments

    1. Gopherit

      Watch out with that loose talk, Missy. The republicans will be putting up spy cameras around there and alerting the Army Corps of Engineers. No wet vaginas allowed. It's what jesus wants.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        I do recall the New Testament detailing the importance of "arid hoohas" in many a verse.

    2. snicker snack

      My sexual fluidity often depends on the amount of alcohol ingested. Right now I'm at motorboating a lovely young woman while stroking a thick hard cock. I might be at optimum alcohol level now.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      You're getting ahead of yourself. He's just showing us the proper form to blow Briebart.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Even on Wonkette, you'll find several items on Bryan "The only good injun is a dead one" Fischer. I started loathing him months ago and avoided the rush.

    1. emmelemm

      All I know about Bryan Fischer, I've learned from Wonkette, and that's as much as I care to know. Click-y the link-ies at your own risk (of sanity).

      1. OkieDokieDog

        There's a whole rabid gang of them. I feel sorry for the people at Right Wing Watch that have to actually watch that crap. I skate by on reading the "highlights".

      1. tessiee

        "We're here, we're queer, we don't want any more bears!" — the population of Springfield, USA

  1. nounverb911

    "Bryan Fischer Opines On Lady Gaga, Admits He May Be Turning Into a Gay"
    If you think its happening, its already too late.

  2. Extemporanus

    "I like her early stuff. You know, 'Lucky Star', 'Borderline'…but once she got into her 'Papa Don't Preach' phase, I don't know…I tuned out."

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Stylistically, (heh) Madonna was just riffing on the great Re Styles, of early Tubes fame, who in turn, was riffing on Marlene Dietrich, I guess.

      Steal from the best, I guess.

      1. Extemporanus

        "Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine. I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon…dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick."

    2. CthuNHu

      Proof that Madonna had talent: Her career did not come to an utter irrevocable screeching crashing bridge-abutment-fireball stop with 'Lucky Star.'

      Man, that song was shit.

  3. Fukui_sanYesOta

    Wait, what? He takes sense – “Sexual orientation is fluid and is hardly a fixed, immovable thing,” – and then twists it into some kind of bigotry?

    There's no hope for these people.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      What's worse (yes, I guess it can be) is that he seems to sincerely believe that there was a possibility that race WAS fluid, and that we finally settled on it NOT being fluid, and he's kind of bummed about that.

      1. Swampgas_Man

        Race IS fluid, as long as these bigots follow the one drop of African-American blood = N*gger.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    He's never turned into ghey. He's always been just too much of a sissy mary to actually admit it*

    *also a major league dumbass, too. I could go on about how scientists figured out one's sexuality is hardwired and how much one's attraction to schlong or vag varies but why bother when we have to delve into the world of skienze, genetiks and evilushun.

  5. i_AM_ready

    "He leads off with an opinion on whether Lady Gaga is a ripoff of Madonna, which is not something everyday red-blooded American men usually talk about."

    Dude dropped his purse.

  6. CapeClod

    "just in case people forgot and briefly thought he may enjoy penises being inserted into his rectum."

    You forgot the part about wriggling it around in excrement.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      "You forgot the part about wriggling it around in excrement."

      You forgot the part about wriggling it around in Santorum.

      Fixed

      1. emmelemm

        I think you have to wriggle around a little in the excrement first to *create* the Santorum. More wriggling, more Santorum.

        (But what do I know? Spoiler alert: Not a whole lot.)

  7. OkieDokieDog

    I sense another Beatles-like record burning coming on. That always works in driving out the demons.

    Is there nothing that the RWNJ's don't fixate on?

  8. GuyClinch

    Fischer really had better be careful. It's a slippery butt-slope. One day you're saying "fluid", next day you've got fluid all over your face.

  9. memzilla

    I'm guessing Fischer is as flaccid sexually as he is intellectually. (We can still make ad hominem santorum snark here, yes?)

  10. timbo71351

    I'll bet you $100 within six months this hatemonger either gets caught blowing a guy in a public restroom or downloading naked pictures of underage boys. People who listen to him are idiots.

    1. jonzin

      But it will only be for research purposes. Kind of like how Jerry Falwell used to subscribe to the raunchiest porn so that he would know what he's talking about.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      No! Jesus flies to your home astride a giant stork and delivers babies to you inside a plastic Easter egg at Christmas. Duh.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    "We don’t know any ex-blacks, but we do know ex-gays. "

    Actually, I know a lot more ex-straights (took them till their 30s or later to figure it out) than ex-gays.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    Dude couldn't be Fabulous no matter how hard he tried. Then again, it's kind of surprising that any straight women would want him, either.

  13. MarionNYNY

    But the far right has ALWAYS believed in fluidity. That's why they're always going on about "recruitment". For them the question isn't who you want to fuck. They want to fuck everybody and every thing. They'd marry their horses if they could as Rick Santorum feared. They just believe their God will make them burn in hell forever if they do that. They are trying to save us all from hell fire by constantly reminding us what God doesn't want us to do because they have a personal relationship with Jeebus who speaks only through them.

    1. trumpbly_joe

      They also believe that it's what you do, not how you feel, though, which is a pretty fucking weird sentiment coming from Calvinist-influenced protestantism, but which is why Fischer is incapable of understanding the meaning of the word "bisexual". Clearly, if a woman is in a committed monogamous relationship with a man, that means she's "ex-gay", even if she belabors the fact that she is overwhelmingly oriented towards women and that her relationship with a guy was, and still is, a fluke, right?

    2. tessiee

      "They want to fuck everybody and every thing."

      Unfortunately, nobody and nothing wants to fuck or be fucked by them, which goes a long way toward explaining why they're such mean-spirited shitheads.

  14. Doktor Zoom

    Fischer's sexuality is fairly liquid…he uses liquid soap to masturbate in the shower. While fantasizing about teabagging Rush Limbaugh.

  15. CliveWarren

    "Man, wouldn’t it be great if we could make blacks white, though? Bryan gets excited just thinking about it!"

    I'm pretty sure Fischer would be happier if he could make a certain portion of the white population black. Makes the hatin' easier and more rewarding.

  16. Hatrabbit

    Looking forward to Bryan Fisher's forthcoming book: 'Blame It On Teh Show Tunes: 20 Men I'd Love To Bang.'

  17. jus_wonderin

    The good thing I get out of this…a Post-it note to remind me to check my sexuality fluid. Even though it is a closed system, I could be down as low as a quart. Thankeez Bryan.

  18. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Bryan should be careful. If keeps talking that way, Lady Gaga will not let him wear her meat dress.

  19. DaSandman

    As we have always suspected Repug hyper macho terrorists only care about 3 things: Dish, Dope and Dick.

    And Lady Gaga.

    Ok 4 things really…

  20. CapeClod

    So I guess when he proposed the idea that we have to kill all the bears he was, in his own way, trying to remove a possible temptation.

  21. James Michael Curley

    Fisher is right. There are many more gay vegans after Lady Gaga's appearance in that meat dress.

  22. widestanceroman

    For the love of all that is good in this world, get this man some killer p*ssy to set him right before it's too late.

    No minority should be saddled with both George Michael and Bryan Fischer.

  23. Gopherit

    Poor Pastor Fischer. With all that sliding and fluid and sex, the world probably looks like one big sausagefest to him. Resist the temptation of the magical cock, Pastor!! It'll be easier if you can stay away from the meth, but that might be asking too much.

  24. trumpbly_joe

    tl;dr Bryan Fischer does not understand what the word "bisexual" means, has never seen Chasing Amy.

  25. weejee

    Let's put some hockey cross-checking videos and then some ABBA videos and then take a peek at Fischer's penile plethysmograph data.

  26. zappadoo76

    From the article: '“Sexual orientation is fluid and is hardly a fixed, immovable thing,” Fischer says now. Uh oh, gays. Is Bryan Fischer about to join your team?'

    No. He means they can pray it out of you.

  27. CapnFatback

    Even Lady Gaga is perpetuating the myth with her new song, “Born This Way,” which is receiving notorious attention mostly for being a blatant rip-off of the Madonna song “Express Yourself.”

    "And who the hell does that Kesha think she is? Hello? Ever heard of Cyndi Lauper? Her whole act is derivative of the Unusual One. 'Tik Tok'? Hear that, girlfriend? That's the sound of your fifteen minutes running out!"

    1. Gopherit

      I dunno. Lou Albana would have smacked the shit out of Cyndi for brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack.

  28. Rosie_Scenario

    Troll alert. Of course, he'd notice this post. The temptation was too great to resist.

  29. Doktor Zoom

    Still and all, it is worth noting that he's right about "Born This Way" being derivative of "Express Yourself." And that video's "Metropolis" imagery was far superior to Gaga's Hello HR Giger freakiness..

    1. Cicada

      Sure, but do you really buy into his argument that Gaga's use of Catholic symbolism is an attempt to position herself as a modern-day Mary Magdalene? I mean puh-leeze! It's clearly just an attempt to create a juxtaposition between the sacred and the profane, which is soooo 2003.

      1. Gopherit

        I suspect it has more to do with her tipping her hat to the inherent homosexuality implied by the hierarchy of the catholic church as a whole. Lots of men in really nice clothes surrounded by expensive and beautiful art with no women in sight? Gaga is just lending her repressed brothers a hand out of that lavish closet called the Vatican.

    2. tessiee

      ""Express Yourself." And that video's "Metropolis" imagery"

      I remember seeing "Metropolis" (the vintage silent, not the anime film of the same name), and thinking how much the villainess reminded me of Madonna.

    1. Gopherit

      I would suspect that Gaga was his first exposure to meat drapes in a long time….maybe ever.

  30. SheriffRoscoe

    "We’ve often made the point that race is immutable but sexual orientation is not."

    Slippery slope!

  31. Respitetini

    Wait wait wait… "Anti-Gay" crusader starts posting about Madge and Gaga? What's next, a critical reading of Liza Minelli's career from "Cabaret" to "Arthur"?

  32. Redhead

    MAY be TURNING gay? Honey, he's there.

    "which is just another way of saying that even she has been forced to admit that sexual orientation is firm, a solid, hard, throbbing thing that… Oh, yes, um that lesbian is living proof that a nice, hard one can change your mind."

    Fixed.

  33. mavenmaven

    If all his hatred, as Dr Freud might have said, is sublimated desire, then can we expect him to start discussing Prince and ultimately come out with his black lover?

  34. Negropolis

    Fischer didn't become stupid. No, baby, he was born this way…

    Someone ask him, very quickly, what his favorite Madonna album is. Family Guy FTW.

  35. Negropolis

    BTW, if all The Blacks were made white, who would they hate, then? Thank god for the Mexicans, or something?

    Brokeback Stupid, go home. Somebody crown this sassy bitch Queen of Denial, already, and be done with it.

  36. Lost_Teabaggers

    Haha…if so, then who is his power top? I'mma guess and say Huckabee…he likes his tops southern, fat and Christian.

  37. Lost_Teabaggers

    It sounds like Bryan Fischer is in stage 1 of a four stage transition that ends with him in sequins and stalking Elton John. You heard it here first, folks….Bryan Fischer will be caught within the next year as a really creepy gay stalker. Oh, and Palin will still be a cunt and her followers will still be confused and gullable ape-men. That is all.

  38. tessiee

    I copied and pasted a word similar to leotard and commented on it, and my post got deleted, so I'm thinking that might be a TRIGger, too.

  39. tessiee

    I liked this guy better when his show was on the Interrossiter.

    "It's the Brak show, starring me — I'm Brak!"

  40. snicker snack

    I see "hardly a fixed, immutable thing" and immediately start thinking about throbbing, painfully hard cocks. Um, I'll be right back.

Comments are closed.