english is the official language of naming shoes

Rick Perry Named His Cowboy Boots ‘Freedom’ and ‘Liberty’

And then he adds with an earnest, butter-wouldn’t-melt smile: “You want high taxes and an onerous regulatory climate, that’s your choice.” As he says this, he swivels around excitedly in his desk chair, the cuffs of his trousers hiking up to reveal a pair of cowboy boots emblazoned “Liberty” and “Freedom.”

He likes to call out their names when he fucks them. It makes him a real cowboy! [National Review via Mike Riggs]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • Barb

    I would have guessed that both of them were labeled "Payless Shoe Source"

    • OkieDokieDog

      I bet they're custom made, to fit over his hooves.

    • bumfug

      I was thinking he'd name them "Left" and "Right" to match the tattoos he put on his feet to make it easier getting dressed.

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    i guess he couldn't get the entrails of innocent death row executees off of his old pair, 'secession' and 'treason'

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Actually, that's what his assless chaps are named.

      • V572..whatever

        We've been over this before: all chaps are assless, right? Granted, it's funnier your way.

        • widestanceroman

          I tend to give Wonkette credit for using the term ironically, although no such credit is warranted in most places.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        This is so precious. I hope his dick (Li'l Perry) isn't jealous that the boots got the cooler names.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      Entrails hell. No sense on letting those executed hides going to waste. I hear they fit like a second skin.

  • Sue4466

    Shoulda gone with "Walker" and "Texas Ranger"

    Shake-n-Bake!

  • $exy$murf

    He also named his balls "Brooks" and "Dunn".

    • horsedreamer_1

      In tenth grade, eleventh grade, I would bring a chess-board to play before first bell, & my friends (I had actual friends, one-time) & I renamed the black & white pieces after prominent Americans & in the spirit of the coming Race War. (This was '95, '96 — making us clairvoyant.) Anyhow, two of the white pawns were re-branded as Brooks & Dunn (to pair with the two black pawns, Tupac & Biggie).

      Of course, my favourite was the black king & queen being Louis Farrakhan & Queen Latifah (obvs!) while the white king & queen were Rush Limbaugh & Hillary Rodham Clinton.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Let us count the ways: chessboard, pre-first hour. You must have been a stone-killer with the ladies. They dig that shit. At least that's what I've heard.

  • nounverb911

    What did he name his hair?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Tammy Faye.

    • HistoriCat

      My Precious

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Then there's the other thing that he is never without. The nickname is "Tiny."

    • nounverb911

      Lindsey Graham is not amused.

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        He named his stilettos "Ham" and "Biscuit".

  • Gopherit

    I think you are confusing his boots with his testicles.

  • AynWithStupid

    I'd like to etch the words on my knuckles; give him a demo of the struggle between the actual definitions/ implications of the two for about 3 sentences' / Perry's attention span; then go all out & strike the blow that lays his hairflap low.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    Clever! Hope "Freedom" and "Liberty" remind him to refuse the FEMA money for the brush fires all over his state and then give him a good head start when his fickle citizenry come after him with torches and pitchforks.

    • [redacted]hse

      Easy with the torches!!!

  • LouBristol

    He also calls his mittens "the pursuit of happiness".

  • SayItWithWookies
    • elviouslyqueer

      That would be his Velcroed-on credibility, obvs.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Fuck this guy and fuck Texas. They got a fire needs puttin' out? Let 'em all go and PISS ON THE GODDAMN THING. That would be better, wouldn't it? i heard the scariest words are these: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. I forget who said that but I'm goddamn sure I heard them said sometime by somebody of some note.

  • edgydrifter

    What a coincidence! I named my dog's shit "Rick Perry" just the other day after he'd been digging around in some really rank trash the night before.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Rick Perry is a bootable seedy, so let's give him the boot.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Like "Toy Story," he put his own name on his boots: "Rick" and "P:" That way, he can cross his legs to say "P-rick," as his part of Truth-in-Advertising campaign.

    Personally, if we were at adjoining urinals, I'd like to "pee" on Rick's leg. But that's just the dog in me.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Come on Ricky! Get those boots on the ground in Libya.

    Just for the record: My boots are named "Synthetic Materials" and "Property of DOC".

    • V572..whatever

      Lindsey's ready to send other people's children off to die there. Bet Ricky is too.

  • V572..whatever

    This story leaves too much to the imagination. What does Rick Perry name his cuff links and his spats?

  • chascates

    And he doesn't intend to run for President. No sir. That's P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T.

    Perfectly happy being Guv.

  • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

    Nothing says Completely Heterosexual like a Nudie suit.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

      for those who don't know about nudie suits…
      http://www.nudiesrodeotailor.com/

      • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

        Oh shit. I would wear the fuck out of a suit like that.

        Why does he only have one shoe on?

        • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

          Stupid I guess.

        • user-of-owls

          The other one seceded.

      • snicker snack

        That is some Elton John shit there. I mean, totally macho in a completely heterosexual way. Nothing gay to see here, move along.

  • http://www.frso.org/index.htm 4TheTurnstiles

    My wife calls my dick "America." So when we're watching reality TV, and the contestants talk about what America wants, she can always reply… "No, America prefers a *tight fit.*" Or "No, America doesn't want to watch you advance to the paso doble round. Trust me."

    • snicker snack

      I gotta say, I'm kind of gay for your wife. Not only does she talk back to the tv, but makes is all sexy-like. You lucky guy.

  • CapeClod

    Nothing shows how serious you are about Freedom and Liberty than putting those words on things you stick on the end of your legs.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Or the things you use to walk in bullshit with.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He should get those knuckle tattoos like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, but instead of "Love" and "Hate" he could get "Fear" and "Hate."

    • __kth__

      "Why did you write on your hands?", asked the manicurist.

  • http://www.rememberancientweb.com/ AKbum

    Better he jizz in his boots rather than in someone's lady parts where more little Dick Perries could be fomented. That squishy sound when he walks gives me the willies, though. Fucking gross.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh, I don't think we have to worry about Gov. Goodhair jizzing in to any lady parts at all, ever.

    • PuckStopsHere

      And (you had to see it coming because you just HAD to)–he's so dumb couldn't pour the jizz out of those boots if the directions for doing so were printed on the bottom of the heel.

  • horsedreamer_1

    When he winds up his leg to kick, Toby Keith plays.

  • V572..whatever

    Imagine that you grew up wanting to be a writer. Then you got a job generating propaganda and recycling Koch Bros talking points at National Review, so you had some initial cognitive dissonance, but there's your byline in print and on the Web and it feels pretty good. And then the day arrives when your editor says, "Okay, Kevin, we need a five-clicker on how smart and handsome Rick Perry is."

    At that point you either gather up the shards of your dignity and quit, or shave your head and go native. The picture exemplifies Mr Williamson's choice.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    So… I guess his boots spend a lot of time covered in Koch shit.

  • petehammer

    I didn't know National Review had a foreign news desk. You know, since Gov. Perry seceded and all.

    I am upset that U.S. Foreign Aid continues to bail out the independent nation of Texas when any sort of national disaster strikes. Why can't they use their liberty and freedom to take care of it themselves?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Those boots are made for walking.

    All over other peoples' Freedom and Liberty.

    • DaRooster

      What's that smell? Must be our Freedoms and Liberties turning to crap.

  • Weenus299

    I've named my sandals Abbott and Costello. My tennis shoes Laurel and Hardy, hiking boots Siskel and Ebert, ballet shoes Rogers and Hammerstein, and my old army boots Starsky and Hutch.

    • DaRooster

      I named my cleats Slow and Lethargic… man, gettin' old sucks.

  • Guppy06

    If there is a loving god, Barry will reject Perry's request for federal aid, with a footnote saying that, constitutionally, such a request has to come from the state legislature, and as a teabagger he should know this.

    • calibrit

      You, I, and the other four people in America who care, would laugh like a drain if this happened.

  • Hatrabbit

    I thought he only had one left boot. Didn't the right one secede?

    • DaRooster

      He kicked it back to Messico…

  • bureaucrap

    I would have imagined that he would have named them Siegfried and Roy.

    Or at least Sir Elton and David.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or "Smith" & "Wesson"

    • XOhioan

      That means his bare feet are "Adam" and "Steve"

  • http://livebythefoma.blogspot.com Pop_Socket

    Makes it all that more ambiguous when he asks "How would you like to be up to your ass in Freedom and Liberty?"

  • James Michael Curley

    Sounds like our man of the people TX Gov is buying J.B. Hill Boots – $900 plus before the special tooling.

    • poncho_pilot

      special tooling…sounds like Rick Perry.

  • pinkocommi

    Rick Perry's staff had to label his boots L-iberty and f-R-eedom to help him differentiate between his left and his right.

    • DaRooster

      Well he does figure if he gets it wrong he can just turn around and the right becomes the left, and so on, etc…

  • yyyaz

    I guess "chicken" and "shit" were already taken.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Hey ! Raygun and Dubya became presidents pretending to be cowboys. Ain't that cute?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    The hat makes you look taller, and covers unsightly male pattern baldness or bad haircuts or fakey looking toupees.

    The boots have high heels, which make you look taller.

    These are the most self-conscious people in the world. If they were 16, they'd be emo kids hating themselves in the mirror all day and posting their alienation hourly on Facebook.

  • OneYieldRegular

    If at all possible, you must find the photo of Trent Lott in a denim pantsuit with cowboy hat from when he visited Dubya down at the ranch. I've never in my life seen anything so nelly, and I've regularly attended the Castro's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter Bonnet contest and Hunky Jesus pageant.

  • http://blogslut.com blogslut

    Oh, the things one must do to look pretty.

  • DashboardBuddha

    I bet he doesn't take them off when he bangs Mrs. Perry.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I have a messican friend who calls the weekend nightclub cowboys "Thumb Tacks" because that's what they look like from an aerial view. As in:

    "Some damn thumb tack just spilled his beer on me."

  • poncho_pilot

    so…in other words he likes to step on freedom and liberty?

  • hagajim

    Should have named them douche and bag….or maybe ass and hole.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      Name his boots after himself? Absurd.

  • __kth__

    A lot of people might think that wearing boots like that means you aren't an authentic Texan, but boy howdy are those people wrong.

  • WinterOuthouse

    He must only have one nut.

  • WinterOuthouse

    Isn't that cute? Ricky got a Thesaurus for his birf-day.

  • jus_wonderin

    Well, I have worn boots, cowboy or otherwise and the are comfortable after the require break-in time. But, Perry is still a prick.

  • __kth__

    I think somebody down-fisted Nancy Sinatra!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Best video ever, I'm killing time at a McDonalds while I keep up the latest from teh Wonket, otherwise I would have totally been cranking it, big time. And it lasted 2:34. Plenty of time, plenty, in my world. (I'm going back, now. So I can watch "Sugar Town").

    • PuckStopsHere

      And speaking of You Tube music videas, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" has been viewed 371-million times. That means everybody in the country has clicked on it, and some of you more than once.

  • MiniMencken

    A San Francisco gentleman of the homosexualist persusion, while visiting Texas, asked me "Do you know why cowboys wear belts with their name on them?"
    When I replied that I did not, he explained "It's so truck drivers can know who they are fucking."
    Discuss amongst yourselves.

  • XOhioan

    Weren't those the names of Gerald Ford's dogs? Oh. My. God.

  • MadBrahms

    I wish he'd put this in practice and just *walk* already. Go ahead, Perry! Try and secede!

  • BZ1

    Williamson' s puff piece has slobber written all over it… Perry is the GOP's latest Great White Dope?!

  • Pragmatist2

    And he named his buttocks "Dumb" and "Ass."

  • Negropolis

    What in the name of Sam Houston is this guy on?

    This surprises me. I thought he'd have named them "Nevah" and "Fuhget", you know, after The Alamo or health care or 9/11.

  • dontsteponsnake

    I have seen these boots! I bartended an event during the 2004 Republican Convention in New York City, and he was there – someone told us to ask about his boots, and the other bartender and I did. He pulled us off of the bar and told us a story about how he gets all his boots custom made and how he had these black ostrich ones in production for two years before he know what he wanted put on them. He then got all Clint Eastwood-y on us and said "Until the morning of September 11th. Then I knew what I wanted to put on my boots." He proceeded to show us the tops of the boots, which feature not only the words "Freedom" and "Justice," but also American flags, and he looked us dead in the eye and said, "These are my WTC boots. For my New York boys and girls."

    Douchebag.

    • Negropolis

      This guy reminds me so much of Dubya, but with surprisingly less of a character if that's believable. He just strikes me as so incredibly vacuous and silly.

  • Cheetah Repeater

    Oh, yeah? Well, Katy Perry has her boobs emblazoned with “Fortune” and “Fame.”