Rick Perry Named His Cowboy Boots ‘Freedom’ and ‘Liberty’

by Jack Stuef

And then he adds with an earnest, butter-wouldn’t-melt smile: “You want high taxes and an onerous regulatory climate, that’s your choice.” As he says this, he swivels around excitedly in his desk chair, the cuffs of his trousers hiking up to reveal a pair of cowboy boots emblazoned “Liberty” and “Freedom.”

He likes to call out their names when he fucks them. It makes him a real cowboy! [National Review via Mike Riggs]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 95 comments }

Barb April 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

I would have guessed that both of them were labeled "Payless Shoe Source"

OkieDokieDog April 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I bet they're custom made, to fit over his hooves.

bumfug April 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

I was thinking he'd name them "Left" and "Right" to match the tattoos he put on his feet to make it easier getting dressed.

Gratuitous World April 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm

i guess he couldn't get the entrails of innocent death row executees off of his old pair, 'secession' and 'treason'

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Actually, that's what his assless chaps are named.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm

We've been over this before: all chaps are assless, right? Granted, it's funnier your way.

widestanceroman April 25, 2011 at 1:36 pm

I tend to give Wonkette credit for using the term ironically, although no such credit is warranted in most places.

Lascauxcaveman April 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

This is so precious. I hope his dick (Li'l Perry) isn't jealous that the boots got the cooler names.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2011 at 1:50 pm

Entrails hell. No sense on letting those executed hides going to waste. I hear they fit like a second skin.

Sue4466 April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Shoulda gone with "Walker" and "Texas Ranger"

Shake-n-Bake!

$exy$murf April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

He also named his balls "Brooks" and "Dunn".

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

In tenth grade, eleventh grade, I would bring a chess-board to play before first bell, & my friends (I had actual friends, one-time) & I renamed the black & white pieces after prominent Americans & in the spirit of the coming Race War. (This was '95, '96 — making us clairvoyant.) Anyhow, two of the white pawns were re-branded as Brooks & Dunn (to pair with the two black pawns, Tupac & Biggie).

Of course, my favourite was the black king & queen being Louis Farrakhan & Queen Latifah (obvs!) while the white king & queen were Rush Limbaugh & Hillary Rodham Clinton.

PuckStopsHere April 25, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Let us count the ways: chessboard, pre-first hour. You must have been a stone-killer with the ladies. They dig that shit. At least that's what I've heard.

nounverb911 April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

What did he name his hair?

elviouslyqueer April 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm

Tammy Faye.

HistoriCat April 26, 2011 at 7:55 pm

My Precious

Rosie_Scenario April 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm

Then there's the other thing that he is never without. The nickname is "Tiny."

nounverb911 April 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Lindsey Graham is not amused.

smokefilledroommate April 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm

He named his stilettos "Ham" and "Biscuit".

Gopherit April 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm

I think you are confusing his boots with his testicles.

AynWithStupid April 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

I'd like to etch the words on my knuckles; give him a demo of the struggle between the actual definitions/ implications of the two for about 3 sentences' / Perry's attention span; then go all out & strike the blow that lays his hairflap low.

Maman April 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Clever! Hope "Freedom" and "Liberty" remind him to refuse the FEMA money for the brush fires all over his state and then give him a good head start when his fickle citizenry come after him with torches and pitchforks.

[redacted]hse April 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Easy with the torches!!!

LouBristol April 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm

He also calls his mittens "the pursuit of happiness".

SayItWithWookies April 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm
elviouslyqueer April 25, 2011 at 1:18 pm

That would be his Velcroed-on credibility, obvs.

PuckStopsHere April 25, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Fuck this guy and fuck Texas. They got a fire needs puttin' out? Let 'em all go and PISS ON THE GODDAMN THING. That would be better, wouldn't it? i heard the scariest words are these: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. I forget who said that but I'm goddamn sure I heard them said sometime by somebody of some note.

edgydrifter April 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

What a coincidence! I named my dog's shit "Rick Perry" just the other day after he'd been digging around in some really rank trash the night before.

weejee April 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Rick Perry is a bootable seedy, so let's give him the boot.

EatsBabyDingos April 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

Like "Toy Story," he put his own name on his boots: "Rick" and "P:" That way, he can cross his legs to say "P-rick," as his part of Truth-in-Advertising campaign.

Personally, if we were at adjoining urinals, I'd like to "pee" on Rick's leg. But that's just the dog in me.

JustPixelz April 25, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Come on Ricky! Get those boots on the ground in Libya.

Just for the record: My boots are named "Synthetic Materials" and "Property of DOC".

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Lindsey's ready to send other people's children off to die there. Bet Ricky is too.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

This story leaves too much to the imagination. What does Rick Perry name his cuff links and his spats?

chascates April 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

And he doesn't intend to run for President. No sir. That's P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T.

Perfectly happy being Guv.

4TheTurnstiles April 25, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Nothing says Completely Heterosexual like a Nudie suit.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2011 at 1:52 pm

for those who don't know about nudie suits…
http://www.nudiesrodeotailor.com/

KenLayIsAlive April 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Oh shit. I would wear the fuck out of a suit like that.

Why does he only have one shoe on?

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Stupid I guess.

user-of-owls April 28, 2011 at 7:53 am

The other one seceded.

snicker snack April 26, 2011 at 10:29 pm

That is some Elton John shit there. I mean, totally macho in a completely heterosexual way. Nothing gay to see here, move along.

4TheTurnstiles April 25, 2011 at 1:18 pm

My wife calls my dick "America." So when we're watching reality TV, and the contestants talk about what America wants, she can always reply… "No, America prefers a *tight fit.*" Or "No, America doesn't want to watch you advance to the paso doble round. Trust me."

snicker snack April 26, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I gotta say, I'm kind of gay for your wife. Not only does she talk back to the tv, but makes is all sexy-like. You lucky guy.

CapeClod April 25, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Nothing shows how serious you are about Freedom and Liberty than putting those words on things you stick on the end of your legs.

Native_of_SL_UT April 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm

Or the things you use to walk in bullshit with.

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2011 at 1:20 pm

He should get those knuckle tattoos like Robert Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, but instead of "Love" and "Hate" he could get "Fear" and "Hate."

__kth__ April 25, 2011 at 5:01 pm

"Why did you write on your hands?", asked the manicurist.

AKbum April 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Better he jizz in his boots rather than in someone's lady parts where more little Dick Perries could be fomented. That squishy sound when he walks gives me the willies, though. Fucking gross.

elviouslyqueer April 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Oh, I don't think we have to worry about Gov. Goodhair jizzing in to any lady parts at all, ever.

PuckStopsHere April 25, 2011 at 5:25 pm

And (you had to see it coming because you just HAD to)–he's so dumb couldn't pour the jizz out of those boots if the directions for doing so were printed on the bottom of the heel.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm

When he winds up his leg to kick, Toby Keith plays.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Imagine that you grew up wanting to be a writer. Then you got a job generating propaganda and recycling Koch Bros talking points at National Review, so you had some initial cognitive dissonance, but there's your byline in print and on the Web and it feels pretty good. And then the day arrives when your editor says, "Okay, Kevin, we need a five-clicker on how smart and handsome Rick Perry is."

At that point you either gather up the shards of your dignity and quit, or shave your head and go native. The picture exemplifies Mr Williamson's choice.

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2011 at 1:31 pm

So… I guess his boots spend a lot of time covered in Koch shit.

petehammer April 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm

I didn't know National Review had a foreign news desk. You know, since Gov. Perry seceded and all.

I am upset that U.S. Foreign Aid continues to bail out the independent nation of Texas when any sort of national disaster strikes. Why can't they use their liberty and freedom to take care of it themselves?

Oblios_Cap April 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Those boots are made for walking.

All over other peoples' Freedom and Liberty.

DaRooster April 25, 2011 at 2:46 pm

What's that smell? Must be our Freedoms and Liberties turning to crap.

Weenus299 April 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I've named my sandals Abbott and Costello. My tennis shoes Laurel and Hardy, hiking boots Siskel and Ebert, ballet shoes Rogers and Hammerstein, and my old army boots Starsky and Hutch.

DaRooster April 25, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I named my cleats Slow and Lethargic… man, gettin' old sucks.

Guppy06 April 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

If there is a loving god, Barry will reject Perry's request for federal aid, with a footnote saying that, constitutionally, such a request has to come from the state legislature, and as a teabagger he should know this.

calibrit April 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You, I, and the other four people in America who care, would laugh like a drain if this happened.

Hatrabbit April 25, 2011 at 1:35 pm

I thought he only had one left boot. Didn't the right one secede?

DaRooster April 25, 2011 at 2:41 pm

He kicked it back to Messico…

bureaucrap April 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I would have imagined that he would have named them Siegfried and Roy.

Or at least Sir Elton and David.

BaldarTFlagass April 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Or "Smith" & "Wesson"

XOhioan April 25, 2011 at 7:25 pm

That means his bare feet are "Adam" and "Steve"

Pop_Socket April 25, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Makes it all that more ambiguous when he asks "How would you like to be up to your ass in Freedom and Liberty?"

James Michael Curley April 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Sounds like our man of the people TX Gov is buying J.B. Hill Boots – $900 plus before the special tooling.

poncho_pilot April 25, 2011 at 3:36 pm

special tooling…sounds like Rick Perry.

pinkocommi April 25, 2011 at 2:05 pm

Rick Perry's staff had to label his boots L-iberty and f-R-eedom to help him differentiate between his left and his right.

DaRooster April 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Well he does figure if he gets it wrong he can just turn around and the right becomes the left, and so on, etc…

yyyaz April 25, 2011 at 2:13 pm

I guess "chicken" and "shit" were already taken.

RedneckMuslin April 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Hey ! Raygun and Dubya became presidents pretending to be cowboys. Ain't that cute?

Lascauxcaveman April 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

The hat makes you look taller, and covers unsightly male pattern baldness or bad haircuts or fakey looking toupees.

The boots have high heels, which make you look taller.

These are the most self-conscious people in the world. If they were 16, they'd be emo kids hating themselves in the mirror all day and posting their alienation hourly on Facebook.

OneYieldRegular April 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

If at all possible, you must find the photo of Trent Lott in a denim pantsuit with cowboy hat from when he visited Dubya down at the ranch. I've never in my life seen anything so nelly, and I've regularly attended the Castro's Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter Bonnet contest and Hunky Jesus pageant.

blogslut April 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

Oh, the things one must do to look pretty.

DashboardBuddha April 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm

I bet he doesn't take them off when he bangs Mrs. Perry.

Texan_Bulldog April 25, 2011 at 3:08 pm

I have a messican friend who calls the weekend nightclub cowboys "Thumb Tacks" because that's what they look like from an aerial view. As in:

"Some damn thumb tack just spilled his beer on me."

poncho_pilot April 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

so…in other words he likes to step on freedom and liberty?

hagajim April 25, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Should have named them douche and bag….or maybe ass and hole.

KenLayIsAlive April 25, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Name his boots after himself? Absurd.

__kth__ April 25, 2011 at 4:20 pm

A lot of people might think that wearing boots like that means you aren't an authentic Texan, but boy howdy are those people wrong.

WinterOuthouse April 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm

He must only have one nut.

WinterOuthouse April 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm

Isn't that cute? Ricky got a Thesaurus for his birf-day.

jus_wonderin April 25, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Well, I have worn boots, cowboy or otherwise and the are comfortable after the require break-in time. But, Perry is still a prick.

__kth__ April 25, 2011 at 5:02 pm

I think somebody down-fisted Nancy Sinatra!

PuckStopsHere April 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

Best video ever, I'm killing time at a McDonalds while I keep up the latest from teh Wonket, otherwise I would have totally been cranking it, big time. And it lasted 2:34. Plenty of time, plenty, in my world. (I'm going back, now. So I can watch "Sugar Town").

PuckStopsHere April 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

And speaking of You Tube music videas, Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" has been viewed 371-million times. That means everybody in the country has clicked on it, and some of you more than once.

MiniMencken April 25, 2011 at 6:06 pm

A San Francisco gentleman of the homosexualist persusion, while visiting Texas, asked me "Do you know why cowboys wear belts with their name on them?"
When I replied that I did not, he explained "It's so truck drivers can know who they are fucking."
Discuss amongst yourselves.

XOhioan April 25, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Weren't those the names of Gerald Ford's dogs? Oh. My. God.

MadBrahms April 25, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I wish he'd put this in practice and just *walk* already. Go ahead, Perry! Try and secede!

BZ1 April 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm

Williamson' s puff piece has slobber written all over it… Perry is the GOP's latest Great White Dope?!

Pragmatist2 April 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

And he named his buttocks "Dumb" and "Ass."

Negropolis April 25, 2011 at 10:56 pm

What in the name of Sam Houston is this guy on?

This surprises me. I thought he'd have named them "Nevah" and "Fuhget", you know, after The Alamo or health care or 9/11.

dontsteponsnake April 26, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I have seen these boots! I bartended an event during the 2004 Republican Convention in New York City, and he was there – someone told us to ask about his boots, and the other bartender and I did. He pulled us off of the bar and told us a story about how he gets all his boots custom made and how he had these black ostrich ones in production for two years before he know what he wanted put on them. He then got all Clint Eastwood-y on us and said "Until the morning of September 11th. Then I knew what I wanted to put on my boots." He proceeded to show us the tops of the boots, which feature not only the words "Freedom" and "Justice," but also American flags, and he looked us dead in the eye and said, "These are my WTC boots. For my New York boys and girls."

Douchebag.

Negropolis April 28, 2011 at 2:01 am

This guy reminds me so much of Dubya, but with surprisingly less of a character if that's believable. He just strikes me as so incredibly vacuous and silly.

Cheetah Repeater April 27, 2011 at 8:09 pm

Oh, yeah? Well, Katy Perry has her boobs emblazoned with “Fortune” and “Fame.”

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