intellectual dishonesty among those who kick

Chuck Norris Plagiarizes Hatred of Muslims

Haha, he doesn't use that many buttons. Control, C, and V are all he needs.Like the time he single-handedly saved the Boy Scouts from Barack Obama’s indifference, Chuck Norris only latches onto a conservative cause when they’re facing dire straits and need somebody who can kick his way out of them. And now, nearly a decade after 9/11, the time has come for him to make one last stand against the existence of Muslim Americans. “I welcome the plurality of religions in America and am a firm believer in the First Amendment,” Norris writes. “And let me categorically restate that I’m neither an Islamaphobe nor a fear monger.” That’s interesting, because his column is entirely about being afraid of Muslims and trying to help others become afraid of Muslims. How much work has Norris put into this? He just plagiarized some stuff, basically.

Today the world has arrived to “Part 2″ of Norris’ current op-ed series on Sharia law. Norris likes to break up his columns into “parts” like this because he’s rather dumb and just phoning these in his subjects require sustained attention.

Norris has compiled a “top ten” list of Sharia evidence and has spread it out over what appears to be at least three columns. Here’s number 7, our favorite:

7) Legislators now in 15 states in the U.S. have put forth bills to ban international law and Shariah from being applied in their states. Are we going to label them all as paranoid? Or are they protecting our Constitution and rule of law as they should?

Are we going to label the hundreds of scoutmasters over the years who have molested Norris’ beloved Boy Scouts as pedophiles? Or are 12-year-old boys, as true patriots know, just really sexy?

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Number 9 is interesting, though, because Norris just cold plagiarized it from a Fox News article:

9) In 2010, a New Jersey family court judge’s refused to grant a restraining order to a woman who was sexually abused by her Moroccan husband and forced repeatedly to have sex with him, ruling that the Muslim husband did not have “criminal desire to or intent to sexually assault”

Notice that typo there near the beginning? That’s because Norris copied and pasted this from the Fox article and just replaced “decision not” with the word “refused”:

A New Jersey family court judge’s decision not to grant a restraining order to a woman who was sexually abused by her Moroccan husband and forced repeatedly to have sex with him [...] he did not have “criminal desire to or intent to sexually assault”

Here’s number 10 on Norris’ list:

10) On Feb. 12, 2009, Muzzammil Hassan informed New York police that he had beheaded his wife, being justified by Shariah. Hassan emigrated to the U.S. 30 years ago and, after a successful banking career, had founded Bridges TV, a Muslim-interest network which aims “to foster a greater understanding among many cultures and diverse populations.” For those who think this heinous crime is just another random act of domestic violence, a study published in the spring 2009 edition of Middle East Quarterly documented how 50 honor killings in the U.S. over the past 20 years prove otherwise. In 2007, after Aqsa Parvez was murdered by her father in Toronto for not wearing hijab (a head covering), Sheila Musaji wrote in the American Muslim, “Although this certainly is a case of domestic violence … ‘honor’ killings are not only a Muslim problem, and there is no ‘honor’ involved.”

We’ve bolded that part in the middle about the Middle East Quarterly, because the rest of this is just plagiarized from — ready for it? — an article in the Middle East Quarterly:

On February 12, 2009, Muzzammil Hassan informed police that he had beheaded his wife. Hassan had emigrated to the United States 30 years ago and, after a successful banking career, had founded Bridges TV, a Muslim-interest network which aims, according to its website, “to foster a greater understanding among many cultures and diverse populations.” [...]

In 2007, after Aqsa Parvez was murdered by her father in Toronto for not wearing hijab (a head covering), Sheila Musaji wrote in the American Muslim, “Although this certainly is a case of domestic violence … ‘honor’ killings are not only a Muslim problem, and there is no ‘honor’ involved.”

Taken wholesale, right down to the parenthetical for “head covering.” Chuck! If you’re going to plagiarize, don’t tip everyone off as to where you’re taking it from!

To us, the biggest problem about people like Chuck Norris is not just that they hate others for their religious beliefs. It’s that they’re so pathetic and predictable when they’re doing it. [WND/Fox News/Middle East Forum]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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169 comments

  1. PabaBritannica

    When you're in America look behind you, cause that's where Sharia's gonna be.

    Walker told me I have Muslims.

    There are no truly clever Walker related puns. Sorry, guys.

    1. tessiee

      Walker, Texas fence-builder?

      No, wait.
      That's Mexicans, not Muslins.
      Wrong group of threatening dark-skinned furriners.
      My bad.

  2. nounverb911

    "“And let me categorically restate that I’m neither an Islamaphobe nor a fear monger.”
    Code for 'really I am an Islamophobe and a fearmonger'.

    1. OvertonWindolt

      I'm surprised he didn't pull out the "I have ______ friends!"

      With ______ being filled with Muslim instead of the usual Black.

      1. genxr

        Chuck Norris saying "I have muslim friends" would have a) stretched his credibility to the breaking point, and b) gotten his tea party card revoked.

    2. Nothingisamiss

      "Is it Islamophobic to say…."

      "Is it hatred to say…."

      See teatard video below for answers.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Why doesn't he just go kick all the Muslim's asses and be done with it? That ought to keep him busy for a while.

  4. metamarcisf

    It astounds me how Chuck Norris can even make his way to the liquor cabinet, wading through his sea of Academy Awards.

  5. CZL

    I find it disingenuous that Chuck calls for more biblical laws yet decries scary sharia as an enemy to freedom.

    1. SorosBot

      As all of the fundie wingnuts, Chuck wants Sharia law except he disagrees on what crappy book to call holy; otherwise radical Christians and radical Muslims are exactly the same.

    2. jodyleek

      You would think Chuckles and the Supply Side Jesus types would be all for competition in the theocracy marketplace. But nooooooo!!!

  6. Badonkadonkette

    Chuck Norris doesn't fear intellectual honesty. Intellectual honesty fears Chuck Norris.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        I used this once before; I still think it's funny: "My ShariAmour."

        At least I'm plagiarizing from myself…

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        As long as idiots like Chuck keep fucking that chicken, we need to keep recycling the same lame jokes.

  7. DangerHelvetica

    In 2010, a New Jersey family court judge’s refused to grant a restraining order to a woman who was sexually abused by her Moroccan husband and forced repeatedly to have sex with him, ruling that the Muslim husband did not have “criminal desire to or intent to sexually assault”

    Isn't it a Republican tenet that once a woman is married, she can't be raped by her husband? Consistency, Chuckie. Consistency.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Only if the husband is white. Dark, swarthy men are capable of raping everything, including themselves. It's somewhere in the GOP platform.

    2. GOPCrusher

      And he points out that there have been 50 honor killings in the last 20 years? So I guess, according to Chuck, that all the other women that have been killed by their husbands, it's OK. They weren't Muslims.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Why is Walker Christian Talker so afraid of Sharia?

    Is this the only thing that Chuck Norris can't defeat? That is besides historical accuracy and picking lousy scripts.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Oh boy. Summer of Hate part deux. Can't we go and shout down town halls of Republicans and decide who gets hated and why? Why is it always about these fucking loudmouths?

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    To rip of Bill Swerski's Superfans, in a knock-down drag-out no-holds-barred cage match, Chuck Norris or Danny Trejo/Machete? We know Machete don't text, but does he tweet? Or write a column for LULAC Net Daily?

  11. J Rbt. Oppenheiner

    And _Middle East Quarterly_ is:
    a) an intellectual neutral journal exploring Middle East current affairs
    b) a highly-regarded information and news source
    c). A right-wing whacko fake journal publishing books such as "Militant Islam Reaches America."

    Of course it's C…. did you expect anything other than the echo-chamber circle jerk?

  12. DaRooster

    He is NOT RACIST… there are just a lot of Nigras that are of Muslim persuasion.
    Give the guy a break man… its hard to find the time to write your own stuff what with all of those round-house kicks to heads he has to throw.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Any one else keeps getting deleted by the administrator? My feelings are hurt. So is my butt.

    1. SorosBot

      I've had a couple auto-deleted too, for the first time since the early IntenseDebate period; I'm guessing we're accidentally triggering anti-troll measures, similar to how some of the early deletes I noticed used mentioned brand names often used by spambots.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Good thing Sharron Angle isn't a IntenseDebate user. This violation of her First Amendment Rights may cause her to take Second Amendment remedies……..WITH VOTES.

  14. MarcelleMarceau

    “I welcome the plurality of religions in America and am a firm believer in the First Amendment,” Norris writes. “And let me categorically restate that I’m neither an Islamaphobe nor a fear monger.”

    Excuses, excuses. Of course he is categorically a fear-mongering Islamophobe.

  15. LabRodent

    Every time I read something about Chuck Norris I wish Zombie Bruce Lee would come back and beat his ass one more time.

  16. petehammer

    "50 honor killings in the U.S. over the past 20 years"!

    That's 2.5 dead people a year! This is, LITERALLY, 100 9/11's combined.

  17. neiltheblaze

    "7) Legislators now in 15 states in the U.S. have put forth bills to ban international law and Shariah from being applied in their states. Are we going to label them all as paranoid? Or are they protecting our Constitution and rule of law as they should?"

    Actually, Chuck, I'd call them pandering manipulative jackasses. But that's only because it's lunchtime and I haven't started drinking yet.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Clarence Thomas quotes "foreign law" all the time. Post that on a site such as Newsbusters, step back, and watch the fun begin!

      He loves to quote Blackstone – pre-USofA English law. We had a revolution to get riid of that government, but we're supposed to continue to embrace their laws.

    2. tessiee

      "Legislators now in 15 states in the U.S. have put forth bills to ban international law and Shariah from being applied in their states. Are we going to label them all as paranoid? Or are they protecting our Constitution and rule of law as they should?"

      I can't help but be reminded of a few years back when several different assmarmots proposed flag-burning amendments, even though there hadn't been a sudden upsurge in flag-burning.

      Oh, wait, that's not really an answer to the question. I guess I'd call them "copycats" or "herd mentality" rather than strictly "paranoid". How's that?

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    To ripoff Bill Swerski's Superfans, who wins a no-holds-barred cage match between Chuck Norris and Danny Trejo/Machete. Does Machete write a column for LULAC Net Daily? We know he don't text, but does he tweet? My money's on the Mexican.

    1. humanalien

      Machete doesn't text, and yet when he needs to enter someone's password and thinks it includes a heart, he knows how to type a heart in unicode. I don't friggin know how to type a heart in unicode. Machete is hiding his true tech savviness.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    Chuck Norris is merely imitating his idol, Dubya, in hiring a baldfaced plagiarist to do his writing for him. But it's okay — if plagiarism serves The Cause, the victims whose work you stole from are under orders not to complain because, as Mr. Norris so memorably said once, petty theft of property in the name of liberty is no vice.

  20. OvertonWindolt

    To be fair all his movies were shitty, plagerized versions of other better action movies with a budget and real actors.

  21. OkieDokieDog

    I'm surprised he didn't show up in Oklahoma (born here) to campaign for our new anti- Sharia law.

    Btw, he is really a good typist. He never has to even look at the keyboard. I'm thinking maybe he was in a typing class back in 1962 or whatever high school year, and was called a sissy boy – which turned him into the bestest kick-asser ever. Or Huckabutt ass-kisser.

  22. weejee

    And Sharia honor killings differ how from Jim BaBobBob shooting Twyla for having sexytime with Cletus? Oh, Jim BaBobBob is a Xtian. Got it.

  23. AynWithStupid

    It's like when the reader figures out Pooh and Piglet's tracks in the snow are their own — Norris spies 'evidence', rattles his saber around it — yet like their ever-ardent "Heffalump!" accusation, it is so much more satisfying to the imagination to prop these Sharia slams upon a dimly perceived illusion, than to conclude you've just been running in circles around a borrowed brand of bigotry.

  24. Gopherit

    Thank you Chuck, for this reverse roundhouse kick of freedom. Now can you go back to selling your total gyms?

    1. Swampgas_Man

      I used to be "customer service" for Total Gym — and from the responses I got, there was never a piece of shoddier, shittier, cheaply manufactured "exercise equipment" in America.

  25. Poindexter718

    So the fact that some 15 hayseeds out of more than 2000 state lawmakers in the US have introduced bills against Sharia and the fact that some guy cited Sharia for killing his wife and was subsequently convicted and sentanced to 25+ years by a court that refused to consider sharia as a mitigating factor is evidence that Sharia is creeping into the US justice system??
    I would submit that Chuck's faculties of logic are of a piece with his research prowess.

    1. OvertonWindolt

      You think you are going to get logic out of Norris. This is a man who delievered this line in 1990's "The Delta Force 2: The Colombian Connection"

      "See, you ain't nothing but a chickenshit pussy asshole who lives on the misery and suffering of others. And when it comes for you, you'll be crying like a baby."

      You may recall that 1990 was the year when controversy struck the Oscars because this film beat Goodfellas for best picture.

  26. mourningnmerica

    I demand that, starting now, all articles about Chuck Norris use the the prefix "…aging closet case…" when using his name. Or "…desperate retard…" would be acceptable. Also. Or "…irrelevant bald person…"

  27. Poindexter718

    BTW, what's the penalty (under Sharia, natch!) for copyright infringement?
    De-moustaching?
    Gelding?

  28. LouBristol

    In a future article, Chuck Norris is going to reveal who is "[t]he greatest proponent of Shariah law." Your guess, wonketteers?

    1. $exy$murf

      Let's check the calender to see who the Right Wing Boogyman is this week. Teacher's Unions were last month and Jack Stuef was last week, so I'm going to go with orphans.

  29. imissopus

    I was thinking the same thing. As far as domestic murders are concerned, this country probably has fifty or so at least every couple of months.

      1. V572..whatever

        Right, like when one gang member shoots another, that's not an honor killing, no way.

        1. weejee

          But Cape, if there were just moar gunz in the house this wouldn't happen. Chuckie, Rick Perry, SnobilliergriftinBibleSpice, and the others tell us it's so.

      2. trumpbly_joe

        And, if you do some math using basic demographic statistics for the United States, then we can note that what Mr. Norris is concerned about, is the fact that a group representing .8% of the population is committing .12% of the domestic murders. Wait.

  30. Sue4466

    Where's Chuck's outrage for the 31,260 women who were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996? Subtract out the 50 deaths from honor killings over 20 years, 31,210 is still a whole lot of non-Sharia death.

    But yes, let's blame the Muslins and the invasion of Sharia law for America's violence against women and children. And while we're at it, let's blame foster kids and teachers for our economic troubles. Hey wait?

  31. twoeightnine

    The second anyone I know makes a "Chuck Norris lameass joke" I immediately and permanently disassociate myself with them. It's really for the best, for all parties involved.

    Sorry Dad.

    1. genxr

      What's lamer than a Chuck Norris opinion column? A Chuck Norris opinion column in 3 parts.

      Chuck Norris doesn't write opinions. Opinions write Chuck Norris.

      Chuck Norris gave big government healthcare a roundhouse kick, and now he needs a hip replacement from Medicare.

      Chuck Norris isn't afraid of the dark. He's afraid of whatever the right wing lunatics tell him to be afraid of.

  32. genxr

    Will Chuck Norris be debating Donald Trump in the primaries? And will Simon Cowell moderate the debates?

  33. genxr

    "Do you find it inconsistent and even hypocritical that many warn the world about the dangers of the Christian right and yet defend the Islamic right?"

    So Christian fundies and Islamic fundies are both right wing? Thanks for confirming what we all knew, Chuckles.

    1. SorosBot

      Chuckles also doesn't seem to understand that the Christian right is dangerous here in the US because it has many members a lot of power, while the Islamic right is a tiny minority and has no power and never will.

  34. gef05

    In 2006, 1185 women were killed by their partners in the US.

    So even if all 50 of those killings occurred in 2006, that leaves 1135 of "us" murdering our wives.

    Regardless of how you break down the numbers – that's 1135 women murdered by the people Chuck wants to extol as more civilized than "them".

    1. genxr

      Chuck, we're using a new cover sheet for the WND reports. I'll make sure you get another copy of the memo.

  35. V572..whatever

    The big news in this story is that Toronto is now apparently a part of the US. Did that happen over the weekend?

    "…a study published in the spring 2009 edition of Middle East Quarterly documented how 50 honor killings in the U.S. over the past 20 years prove otherwise. In 2007, after Aqsa Parvez was murdered by her father in Toronto…"

      1. V572..whatever

        His Royal Highness Emperor-Governor Rick Snyder could just annex it, probably. Send in a few of his emissaries to take over the failed governments, blah blah…

  36. Naked_Bunny

    A woman and her boyfriend down the street were murdered last year by her ex-boyfriend, but fortunately none of them were Muslim and therefore did not contribute to the out-of-control 2.5 incidents of honor killings per year.

  37. Clancy_Pants

    Careful gang. The 'baggers went all Teatard medieval on our ass last week when they thought we were making fun of a special needs child. Snark at Norris is kind of the same thing.

  38. gef05

    Hmmm. Over 1000 white christian men in the US murder their spouses each year.

    Is this the theme of Chuck's intended 2012 cinematic release, "The Expendables"?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, but don't ya know, they kill their wives in spite of their religion (though the OT does allow a little wife-killin' if they need it), while the Mahommetans do it because of their religion.

  39. Doktor Zoom

    Gotta love the Google for its utility in finding plagiarism. Since plagiarists are too fucking stupid/lazy to actually copy stuff out of books the old-fashioned way, their thefts are ridiculously easy to track.

    1. Cicada

      When I was a TA, I had a student who copy pasted most of his essay from an online source that was recommended in the syllabus. He even acted offended when I called him on it, because how dare I challenge his integrity.

      So yeah, not too bright.

  40. BeWoot

    This is just so discouraging. Can't a man have a hero anymore? My respect for Chuck was boundless. But now, plagiarism. My philosopher/idol shown to have feet of clay. What's next? Will I find that Trump is not really in Mensa? Bachmann's law degree a hollow sham?

    Boehner wept.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Next thing you know, someone will be bad mouthing Ted Nugent. THIS CANNOT BE TOLERATED!

  41. zappadoo76

    Jack, you bolded the wrong stuff in #10. Norris plagiarized the stuff that ISN'T in boldface. Just saying.

  42. El Pinche

    "I’m neither an Islamaphobe nor a fear monger…"

    In other words : "I'm not a racist but what about those nigra pimps…"

  43. Chillwaver

    There's essentially no difference between "Chuck Norris' Facts" and "Facts about Chuck Norris." They are both fictional and laughable.

  44. trumpbly_joe

    I buried this in a comment thread, but I wanted to post it somewhere where people would notice. Chuck Norris is concerened because muslims, 0.8% of the US population, committed 50 domestic murders over the past 20 years. There are 1500 domestic murders each year, a horrific statistic, which comes to 30,000 over the past two decades- even more horrific. 50/30,000 is 0.116%.

    So, Chuck Norris's argument is that 0.8% of the population has committed a disproportionately low 0.12% of domestic murders in this country, and therefore we should ban Islam, or deport muslim-Americans or some shit.

    1. genxr

      Slackers. Nothing but lackadaisical slackers! Real murkins in the trailer parks have to work twice as hard to make up for their shortfall.

      Also you deserve a disproportionate number of upfists for actually doing the math.

      1. trumpbly_joe

        Meh, the math's still a little fuzzy, on account of the fact that "honor killing" is a completely meaningless arbitrary term, and so there might be some non- "honor" domestic violence out there, but I'm also pretty certain that the wingnut rags Norris is citing do their damnedest to construe the term as broadly as possible, so who even knows.

        Ugh. As a liberal, it ends up that intellectual honesty is both my gift and my curse.

  45. CookiE_MonstA

    I swear this guy is the only reason Scott Walker got elected in Wisconsin. Everyone 'up nort' thought they were electing Chuck Norris.

  46. JustPixelz

    Isn't Norris from the crowd that says the biblical Ten Commandments is and should be the basis of U.S. law? (Hint: yes) Nevermind that four of that top ten is about how to worship God (no graven images, etc), one is about thoughts ("coveting"), and one is to be nice to your parents (aka "the hardest of them all").

    Let me add: Koran burning "pastor" Terry Jones was sent to jail for trying to stage a protest against Sharia Law in Dearborn. Sent to jail. I think he's an asshole … an asshole with First Amendment rights. When applying for a parade permit can land you in jail, we have seriously taken our eye off the ball.

  47. Chet Kincaid

    The Most Interesting Man In The World is going to kick Chuck Norris's ass. Or maybe Carlos Slim. Either way, he will learn to stop fucking with the browns.

  48. thefrontpage

    Chuck Norris, like Donald Trump and Sarah Palin, is really a radical terrorist Muslim Islamic extreme Kenyan national who is intent on destroying the United States, democracy, freedom and the west. He is also having a torrid affair right now with Victoria Jackson. Norris and Jackson were the big stars of the private, unadvertised "after-party" at the recent CPAC conference at the Woodley. They put on quite a show in the "hospitality" suite!

  49. genxr

    Anyone who is not actually burning down a mosk while simultaneously claiming to not be an islamophobe

  50. dagoh

    Chuck Norris — bad actor and not believable in any role — including the role of straight male. There's nothing wrong with being gay but there is something wrong with being a "Family Values" closet-case like Chuck. He has a very wide stance for sure.

  51. smitallica

    Umm…Chuck, I don't want to poke holes in your thesis, but all that honor killing stuff is still murder, and would be prosecuted as such. So your whole "But Sharia says it's ok" thing is really kind of a non-issue. Oh, also the First Amendment.

  52. WinterOuthouse

    "Sharia", according to Norris, is synonymous with the words "domestic violence" as we have come to understand them in the great US of A. What a shock, domestic violence occurs in other countries and is sanctioned by religious beliefs.

    Putz

  53. aisai

    Chuck Norris facts are a bit passé nowadays, so let's modernise some of them, Wonkette.

    Never ask Chuck Norris for an autograph. Why? Because Chuck's illiterate

    Chuck Norris doesn't lie, he plagiarizes other people's lies

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris believes were created by God 5000 years ago

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He's too scared of brown people

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard, just a mouth that can't help but repeat the most idiotic and banal talking points spewed out by the right wing media.

  54. tessiee

    Wrongdoings on the part of Muslims are part of a big, scary pattern — one might almost use the word "conspiracy".

    It's only the random act of an individual acting on his own when an abortion provider or Democratic politician gets shot.

  55. Negropolis

    Stupid conservatives. They even outsource the creation of their hate-speech. Too fucking intellectually lazy to even be bothered with owning and selling their own personal hate-mongering.

    Fucker;s been sippin' on that Texas tea, huh?

  56. Negropolis

    BTW, what's the conservative's obsession with Sharia law? Why is no one concerned about rabbinical and talmudic law? Or, is it that they think they've already completely cornered and exhausted their anti-Semitism?

  57. snicker snack

    Jack, I would just like you to know that reading this Chuck Norris thing finally made me click on that "Giving up on gay men" ad that has been taunting me for days. I was completely disappointed that it was not, in fact, some kind of gay porn. For shame.

Comments are closed.