IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  7:36 am April 25, 2011

Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’

by Riley Waggaman

Even if you 'could' leave, why would you want to?

  • Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden a nuclear weapon in Europe for detonation should Osama Bin laden be captured.” Haha, Osama bin Laden had rotting kidneys, so he’s definitely already dead. (Unless of course he had a hand-held dialysis machine — an iDialysis? — that he used “on the go,” while running away from Navy SEALs in the mountain caves of Tora Bora.) Or maybe Osama bin Laden still works for the CIA? We’ll probably never know! At any rate: Gitmo is full of “drivers, farmers and chefs.” We are monsters, never forget. [BBC]
  • The Taliban freed more than 400 prisoners (“drivers, farmers and chefs”) from an Afghan rape prison. [CNN]
  • “The judge and attorneys in Rod Blagojevich’s corruption retrial on Monday were set to resume the daunting task of selecting jurors who can put aside what they’ve heard about the high-profile case and give the former Illinois governor a fair trial.” [AP]
  • Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning! We are running late. Wish us luck!
 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 111 comments }

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2011 at 7:47 am

Strange. These Gitmo prisoners seem to be human beings and don't have any superpowers like making people Muslin, laser eyes, telepathy, fire breath, super speed, ability to deflect bullets or even making teh ghey not ghey.

Either the "strong and always brave" (unlike us liebruls) warrior types like the GOPers/"REAL" US Americans lied to me or they're in fact a bunch of weak minded paranoid character flawed xenophobic miserable chickenshit cowards.

gef05 April 25, 2011 at 8:02 am

They lied to you.

vulpes82 April 25, 2011 at 8:44 am

Why must it always be either/or with you, Manchu?

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

I know there's always the argument of "Why can't it be both?" but in many cases it is just is.

trumpbly_joe April 25, 2011 at 9:30 am

I dunno, Manchu, I saw this one documentary where a terrorist detainee managed to pull all the iron out of a guard's blood with his MIND, and then shaped that iron into a pellet and completely destroyed his prison cell and escaped.

Wait, no, that was X-Men 2.

Ducksworthy April 25, 2011 at 9:50 am

Both.

natoslug April 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

Ordinary people are the worst kind of people. If you haven't incorporated, you're obviously hiding something and probably a terrorist. Duh. Are you an LLC or a common criminal?

zhubajie April 25, 2011 at 7:50 am

Why not just send Blago to G'tmo? Or Afghanistan?

WinterOuthouse April 25, 2011 at 7:52 am

Because he is guilty

Biel_ze_Bubba April 25, 2011 at 9:49 am

As if Afghanistan didn't have enough problems.

GOPCrusher April 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Or Dancing With The Stars.

freakishlywrong April 25, 2011 at 7:53 am

We are monsters, never forget.
And we're not even cool monsters. We're too poor to get any of the cool stuff monsters usually have. USA! Whatever. Happy Monday.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

Today, we are all a David Bowie song,

CthuNHu April 25, 2011 at 9:17 am

Can't we be Heroes? Just for one day?

Swampgas_Man April 25, 2011 at 9:48 am

Yeah, I want my fangs and rotting flesh, dammit. Although Trump comes close. That spray-tan's covering up SOMETHING, I tells ya.

arihaya April 25, 2011 at 7:56 am

Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning! We are running late. Wish us luck!

are you sure it is not some Kenyan spring ritual ?

CliveWarren April 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

They roll gnu eggs…

LiveToServeYa April 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

Well, rolling *old* eggs will give you salmonella or something.

CliveWarren April 25, 2011 at 9:23 am

"Rolling old-eggs" was my spinster aunt's nickname. Very rotund, she was…

GOPCrusher April 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm

Egg Roll? That sounds Chinese.

WinterOuthouse April 25, 2011 at 7:56 am

It is refreshing to know we are still assholes. If we had somehow changed and became 'the good guys in WHITE hats' what would people think? We have been exploiting and screwing citizens, American and those of almost every other country on Earth, for so long it is just expected. If we changed our behavior now, it would throw those poor innocent people into some kind of shock.

Keep on Screwin'

freakishlywrong April 25, 2011 at 9:00 am

Being the huge assholes that they are, the Orwellian Rethugs call this "Exceptional".

DaRooster April 25, 2011 at 10:50 am

"…it would throw those poor innocent people into some kind of shock. "

Electric? Oh no, they're used to that by now…

Terry April 25, 2011 at 7:58 am

The GOP wants those men in Gitmo so that we'll have a boogyman and to make it look like GW Bush and the guys operated like Jack Bauer in the TV show 24 while in office to protect us.

ManchuCandidate April 25, 2011 at 8:06 am

Seems more like Plan 9 from Outer Space.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 8:09 am

Well, Bush & Co certainly tortured people. But unlike teevee's Jack Bauer, they mostly did it for the same reason a dog licks its balls: because they could.

bagofmice April 25, 2011 at 8:25 am

So, it's a scripted drama…

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 9:33 am

The funny part is that 24 inspired the assclowns at Gitmo. Seriously, as laid out in "The Dark Side", the boys down there used Jack & co. as if it were a training video.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

The funny part is the CIA used 24 as inspiration. According to "The Dark Side", the overhyped pseudo-interrogators who were put down there first (not Army or FBI trained types, who would know better) revered Bauer & Co. and used tapes of the show as training videos.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

The funny thing is that by documented accounts the CIA pseudo interrogators watched 24 for inspiration and training. They were not FBI or Army trained and so apparently did not know the show was not demonstrating valid methodologies.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 9:57 am

Ha ha, it's always funny when life imitates art facile right-wing propaganda.

Swampgas_Man April 25, 2011 at 9:50 am

The GOP AND the dems had several chances to do the right thing, but the goddamn NIMBY's wouldn't let them.

4tehlulz_lite April 25, 2011 at 8:03 am

I bet Bernie Sanders is really proud of his vote to block GITMO's closure right now.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 8:49 am

It was not meant to be anything but a procedural vote.

4tehlulz_lite April 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

'sup Rand Paul?

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 8:08 am

The difference between us and the Taliban? Well, the Taliban have lusher facial hair. And when we arrest innocent people we hold them forever.

WinterOuthouse April 25, 2011 at 8:26 am

The difference between us and the Taliban. The Taliban does not participate in Easter Egg Rolls at the White House.

comptoneffect April 25, 2011 at 9:18 am

That’s right but they have a wickedly exciting hand grenade role event planned, instead. Come on out and bring the whole family, they’ll have a blast.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 9:45 am

Once you've played buzkashi, an Easter-Egg Roll just looks lame.

comptoneffect April 25, 2011 at 10:07 am

Idiot, it's roll.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

I dunno – I've been told the role packs quite a punch. I'm sure there's a lot of out of work actors who would embrace it.

harry_palmer April 25, 2011 at 8:29 am

Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.”

And Obama's briefs contain the runny shit he took when the Rethugs and the Generals (two overlapping sets) told him they'd get mad if he shut this prison.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 9:43 am

Obama didn't cave to the generals. He didn't cave to the Republicans. He caved to the weak sisters in his own party who wouldn't vote him a measly few million bucks to finalize the purchase of a prison in Illinois.

Get it straight, this was a flat out betrayal of principles by the Dems, especially Blue Dogs, in fear that they'd be punished by voters. Which worked out so well as a strategy.

GOPCrusher April 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I hear that Blanche Lincoln got a really sweet gig as a greeter at the Little Rock Wal-Mart.

CliveWarren April 25, 2011 at 8:32 am

Detainments are forever
They are all that I need to please me
They can stimulate and tease me
They won't end in the night, I've no fear that they might desert me

ifthethunderdontgetya April 25, 2011 at 8:35 am

Riley, where is our Happy News™?

Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning! We are running late.

Is that all there is?
~

vulpes82 April 25, 2011 at 8:48 am

Don't worry, he'll probably get molested by Breibart in a bunny costume to complete the Monday Morning Suicide News.

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 9:04 am

What, Chloe Sevigny will bang Riley's corpse?

tessiee April 25, 2011 at 6:48 pm

Which would be preferable to banging Vincent Gallo.

4TheTurnstiles April 25, 2011 at 8:35 am

Riley: don't take any shit from those ankle-biters at the egg roll. Go hard or go home, kids. We play to *win.*

Texan_Bulldog April 25, 2011 at 9:01 am

No kidding. I took my kids to our local Easter egg hunt and some of those kids would have tackled their grandmothers to get those eggs. Next year, we're wearing the pads/helmet and getting dirty!

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

You're the cool mom aren't you.

Texan_Bulldog April 25, 2011 at 9:18 am

Ha, I try! A few of those kids didn't need any damn candy anyway–they are probably about 3 or 4 years out from getting their own Hoverrounds.

trampndirtdown April 25, 2011 at 10:07 am

No offense Riley but you're too nice, they should send Stuef instead. The monster.

x111e7thst April 25, 2011 at 8:39 am

The Taliban freed more than drivers, farmers and chefs from an Afghan rape prison.
All drivers farmers and chefs must therefor be sent to Gitmo forevah!!!

Rosie_Scenario April 25, 2011 at 8:41 am

"In Soviet Russia the Easter eggs roll you."

baconzgood April 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

Smirnoff win! Seriously I'm drunk right now because of Smirnoff…..Mmmmmmmm Vodka for breakfast.

Oblios_Cap April 25, 2011 at 8:43 am

Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

What kind of meat do they put in the Egg Rolls for Easter? Ham?

I just made a batch of shrimp egg rolls last week.

gef05 April 25, 2011 at 8:55 am

Rabbit.

Steverino247 April 25, 2011 at 9:33 am

No, Wabbit.

Texan_Bulldog April 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

I am obviously a moran but doesn't keeping a bunch of innocent Muslim civilians in perpetual detainment piss off the other not so innocent Muslims? I have a sad at Barry about this but hope in his 2nd term (crossed fingers), he can let his freak fly & get some shit done.

deanbooth April 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

I "hope" you're right, but I tend to believe Roger Ebert:

If nothing has happened by the end of the first reel, nothing is going to happen.

CapeClod April 25, 2011 at 8:46 am

This is why we cannot try these people in civilian court. Because they are innocent.

Swampgas_Man April 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

And because we had to torture them to find that out.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

"Because they are innocent." No, because they have such amazing superterrorist powers that no civilian court, not even In Gotham itself, could possibly contend with them. Millions would die if one of those superhuman chefs were ever brought before a jury.

Toomush_Infer April 25, 2011 at 4:00 pm

thus risking the awful possibility of them being let loose in society to drive farm and chef us into muslimidamism….I wanna go where all the chefs all know my name, Guatanamo….

horsedreamer_1 April 25, 2011 at 8:51 am

Given the perilous state of Osi's kidneys, from complications of diabetes, I think we need to track Rascal sales in AfPak to know where he is. Plus, are they equipped with GPS?

Really, finding him should be an hell of a lot easier than suggested.

Ducksworthy April 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

In this case a bird in the bush was worth two birds in hand, to a Bush.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 10:01 am

Kindred spirits at the Hoverround factory could probably be persuaded to hide a radio locator beacon on OBL's scooter. And then a Predator drone could home in on it and kill somebody else by mistake.

baconzgood April 25, 2011 at 9:06 am

HOOORAY FOR WRONGFULL DETENTION!!! USA USA USA USA USA USA!!! What the fuck is habeas corpus any way? Sounds like some faggy french term.

bflrtsplk April 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

It's Latin for STFU and eat every last one of those rat dicks on your plate or you're on the next charter to Gitmo.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 10:02 am

It's always nicer to fly private.

LiveToServeYa April 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

Today, we are all rolled in the White House grass, take that as you will.

4TheTurnstiles April 25, 2011 at 9:14 am

NPR this morning: so many high risk detainees have been shipped out already! so many more are going to be released and transfered! fresh from wikileaks!

why do I go up to bat for NPR again?

Golfing_OJ April 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

Meh. There was another story on NPR News this morning, some sort of joint effort with NYT, about how there are these crazy bastard terrorists at Gitmo threatening their captors and saying they can hardly wait to behead as many Americans as they can. Nothing about the Wikileaks thing, though, about Nerf herders getting life sentences for, what, walking down the street.
Obvs Barry's handlers wanted to play a little Bush-style pre-emptive offense.
What a shithole, this country.

Golfing_OJ April 25, 2011 at 12:08 pm

On one of the hourly news breaks this AM, NPR had a joint story with NYT about the (alleged) totally whackjobbiest of the detainees, who threaten their captors and swear they'll bump off off the first 5 Murkens they see. Just that, nothing about the Wikileaks thing about Nerf-herders getting put away for life for, whatever, walking down the street. Just “Crazy Terrorists Raving in Their Cages!“
Barry's Bush-style BS Desk probably got this one from the electric-shock scene in Lethal Weapon. "I'll GIT choo!"

Nothingisamiss April 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Because Fox would tell you that his was done under Obama's orders, except that there are no wikileaks and …look over here! Donald Trump has a new show!

BZ1 April 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

Newsflash:" 'High-risk' inmates freed", not just at Gitmo, but also in Kandahar…

Beetagger April 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

Humankind will not be free until the last Neocon is strangled with the entrails of the last Guantanamo guard.

Nothingisamiss April 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm

That is beautiful.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 25, 2011 at 9:21 am

For Waggaman’s sake I hope this Easter egg roll isn’t along the lines of a Matt Drudge Fantasy.

PsycWench April 25, 2011 at 9:24 am

The legal crew dealing with Blago can rest assured that the short memories of the American public means that the prospective jurors remember the hair and something about not giving away what is golden. Shouldn't be that hard to pick the pool.

Steverino247 April 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

I don't know what's more shallow, the jury pool or the gene pool.

harry_palmer April 25, 2011 at 9:38 am

Easter was yesterday. If Obama wasn't a Muslin he'd know that, wouldn't he?

gurukalehuru April 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

In the Czech Republic, it is today. And they have this weird tradition of whipping the womens until they give you alcoholic beverages. Only half muslin.

tessiee April 25, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I understand that you can hear them whip the women just around midnight.

arihaya April 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

oh wait almost forgot,,, now FOX "NEWS" will have new agitprop materials against Obama:

"Obama enlist Radical Site that mock Trig in his War on Easter"

SoapyJohnson April 25, 2011 at 9:52 am

Many are calling this latest WikiLeaks release a diversion. The first round of pre-released Nostradamus sports picks is set for next Sunday, May 1st and Assange has avoided discussing what else he's currently holding >> http://placeitonluckydan.com/2011/03/wikileaks-no

Ducksworthy April 25, 2011 at 9:52 am

Without these detainees, what would we have to show for blowing $2 Trillion and all those ruined U.S. casualties?

Nothingisamiss April 25, 2011 at 12:12 pm

We'll forget it all ever happened anyway.

tcaalaw April 25, 2011 at 9:53 am

I had it for a brief moment yesterday, but it went away for some mysterious reason.

I think there's some relative weighting of P as I've noticed mine sliding back and forth a few times before permanently breaking through to a new level.

weejee April 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

The White House will collect more monies rolling Wall Streeters than by rolling Easter eggs. Silly bunnies must be too high on Peeps to see how to make a real dent in the deficit.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

Uh-oh: a Libyan tried to hijack an Alitalia flight.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/24/hijack-p

Stand by for more airport fun and games!

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 25, 2011 at 10:10 am

That's what happens when they sell one-way fares for cash on Aero Bunga-Bunga."

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

Socialist government-owned airlines FTW!

Oblios_Cap April 25, 2011 at 10:12 am

Bradley Manning's punishments must be increased for his help in informing the world that our government is up to no good! If it weren't for him and that Translucent Australian Sex Machine, we could still pretend that the Gitmo prisoners were all dangerous uber-mensch.

donner_froh April 25, 2011 at 10:17 am

Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

You mean the neo-pagan, secretly Islamic ceremonies to destroy Christianity and institute secret Sharia law in the United States?

Have fun!

tessiee April 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

You mean the neo-pagan, secretly Islamic ceremonies to destroy Christianity and institute secret Sharia law in the United States?

Have fun, you hellbound homos!

fxd

BarackMyWorld April 25, 2011 at 10:22 am

The detainees were Muslims in countries we invaded.
The insurgents were Muslims in countries we invaded.
Insurgents and terrorists have some of the same letters.
Therefore, the detainees are all dangerous terrorists

Why is this so hard to understand???

Oblios_Cap April 25, 2011 at 10:27 am

Because there's nothing civil about a war?

DahBoner April 25, 2011 at 11:53 am

"Insurgents and terrorists have some of the same letters. "

They belonged to the same frats?

For some reason, I have no problem believing OBL belonged to W's old fraternity…

tessiee April 25, 2011 at 7:02 pm

I'll make it even easier than that: They're all dark-skinned furriners who are plotting to kill the Babby Jeebus and turn everyone else into turban-wearing homos.

V572..whatever April 25, 2011 at 10:23 am

Next you're going to tell us that in a representative government elected officials have some obligation to educate the voters, instead of just slavishly catering to their fears while sucking down lobbyist $$$ as fast as possible.

BerkeleyBear April 25, 2011 at 10:31 am

I'm an idjit, but even I'm not that naiive.

James Michael Curley April 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

"I had it for a brief moment yesterday, but it went away for some mysterious reason."

Switch to Cialis.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 25, 2011 at 4:09 pm

And call your doctor if it lasts more than four hours.

proudgrampa April 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

I think you're on to something with the "iDialysis," Riley. seems like a much more useful contraption than an "iPad," which sounds like some sort of internet tampon.

tessiee April 25, 2011 at 7:03 pm

It's not??
Excuse me for just a moment, won't you?

DahBoner April 25, 2011 at 11:39 am

"Gitmo is full of drivers, farmers and chefs."

Shit, how can they afford to stay there?

Limbaugh touted "Club G'itmo" as a one-of-a-kind Muslim resort on the west coast of Cuba overlooking the bay.

Here, here! I say this kind of resort is "too good" for these people!

We need to put more upmarket clients in there, like Limbaugh, Beck, Paul Ryan, The Koch Brothers…

…and that damn Travelvelocity garden knome.

lochnessmonster April 25, 2011 at 5:54 pm

1. Bin Laden could very well be okay. Portable dialysis invented by Dean Kamen: Kamen was already a successful and wealthy inventor, after inventing the AutoSyringe, a new type of mobile dialysis system for medical applications, the first insulin pump, and an all-terrain electric wheelchair known as the iBOT, using many of the same gyroscopic balancing technologies that later made their way into the Segway.

2. Not to be unkind but believe me, there are plenty of ppl in the Chicago area who don't even know what news is. I think they should have no problem finding jurors who never even heard of Blago, much less his crimes to fill out the jury.

HistoriCat April 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Well all the lawyers are in love with the sound of their own voices, so they all need to say the exact same shit over and over and over …. or at least, that's what I remember from the jury pool I was on.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: