Wikileaks: Guantanamo Detainees ‘Not Dangerous’

  it's morning in america

Even if you 'could' leave, why would you want to?

  • Here is the morning’s top non-news story: Famous terrorist organization Wikileaks has released Top Secret documents which suggest that America’s Permanent Detention Center in Cuba is full of innocent people! How could this be? The leaked Detainee Assessment Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.” For instance, al-Qaeda has allegedly “hidden a nuclear weapon in Europe for detonation should Osama Bin laden be captured.” Haha, Osama bin Laden had rotting kidneys, so he’s definitely already dead. (Unless of course he had a hand-held dialysis machine — an iDialysis? — that he used “on the go,” while running away from Navy SEALs in the mountain caves of Tora Bora.) Or maybe Osama bin Laden still works for the CIA? We’ll probably never know! At any rate: Gitmo is full of “drivers, farmers and chefs.” We are monsters, never forget. [BBC]
  • The Taliban freed more than 400 prisoners (“drivers, farmers and chefs”) from an Afghan rape prison. [CNN]
  • “The judge and attorneys in Rod Blagojevich’s corruption retrial on Monday were set to resume the daunting task of selecting jurors who can put aside what they’ve heard about the high-profile case and give the former Illinois governor a fair trial.” [AP]
  • Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning! We are running late. Wish us luck!
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

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111 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Strange. These Gitmo prisoners seem to be human beings and don't have any superpowers like making people Muslin, laser eyes, telepathy, fire breath, super speed, ability to deflect bullets or even making teh ghey not ghey.

    Either the "strong and always brave" (unlike us liebruls) warrior types like the GOPers/"REAL" US Americans lied to me or they're in fact a bunch of weak minded paranoid character flawed xenophobic miserable chickenshit cowards.

    1. trumpbly_joe

      I dunno, Manchu, I saw this one documentary where a terrorist detainee managed to pull all the iron out of a guard's blood with his MIND, and then shaped that iron into a pellet and completely destroyed his prison cell and escaped.

      Wait, no, that was X-Men 2.

    2. natoslug

      Ordinary people are the worst kind of people. If you haven't incorporated, you're obviously hiding something and probably a terrorist. Duh. Are you an LLC or a common criminal?

  2. freakishlywrong

    We are monsters, never forget.
    And we're not even cool monsters. We're too poor to get any of the cool stuff monsters usually have. USA! Whatever. Happy Monday.

    1. Swampgas_Man

      Yeah, I want my fangs and rotting flesh, dammit. Although Trump comes close. That spray-tan's covering up SOMETHING, I tells ya.

  3. arihaya

    Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning! We are running late. Wish us luck!

    are you sure it is not some Kenyan spring ritual ?

  4. WinterOuthouse

    It is refreshing to know we are still assholes. If we had somehow changed and became 'the good guys in WHITE hats' what would people think? We have been exploiting and screwing citizens, American and those of almost every other country on Earth, for so long it is just expected. If we changed our behavior now, it would throw those poor innocent people into some kind of shock.

    Keep on Screwin'

    1. freakishlywrong

      Being the huge assholes that they are, the Orwellian Rethugs call this "Exceptional".

    2. DaRooster

      "…it would throw those poor innocent people into some kind of shock. "

      Electric? Oh no, they're used to that by now…

  5. Terry

    The GOP wants those men in Gitmo so that we'll have a boogyman and to make it look like GW Bush and the guys operated like Jack Bauer in the TV show 24 while in office to protect us.

    1. V572..whatever

      Well, Bush & Co certainly tortured people. But unlike teevee's Jack Bauer, they mostly did it for the same reason a dog licks its balls: because they could.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      The funny part is that 24 inspired the assclowns at Gitmo. Seriously, as laid out in "The Dark Side", the boys down there used Jack & co. as if it were a training video.

    3. BerkeleyBear

      The funny part is the CIA used 24 as inspiration. According to "The Dark Side", the overhyped pseudo-interrogators who were put down there first (not Army or FBI trained types, who would know better) revered Bauer & Co. and used tapes of the show as training videos.

    4. BerkeleyBear

      The funny thing is that by documented accounts the CIA pseudo interrogators watched 24 for inspiration and training. They were not FBI or Army trained and so apparently did not know the show was not demonstrating valid methodologies.

    5. Swampgas_Man

      The GOP AND the dems had several chances to do the right thing, but the goddamn NIMBY's wouldn't let them.

  6. V572..whatever

    The difference between us and the Taliban? Well, the Taliban have lusher facial hair. And when we arrest innocent people we hold them forever.

  7. WinterOuthouse

    The difference between us and the Taliban. The Taliban does not participate in Easter Egg Rolls at the White House.

    1. comptoneffect

      That’s right but they have a wickedly exciting hand grenade role event planned, instead. Come on out and bring the whole family, they’ll have a blast.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          I dunno – I've been told the role packs quite a punch. I'm sure there's a lot of out of work actors who would embrace it.

  8. harry_palmer

    Briefs also include “intelligence” coerced from detainees, after they were “interrogated.”

    And Obama's briefs contain the runny shit he took when the Rethugs and the Generals (two overlapping sets) told him they'd get mad if he shut this prison.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Obama didn't cave to the generals. He didn't cave to the Republicans. He caved to the weak sisters in his own party who wouldn't vote him a measly few million bucks to finalize the purchase of a prison in Illinois.

      Get it straight, this was a flat out betrayal of principles by the Dems, especially Blue Dogs, in fear that they'd be punished by voters. Which worked out so well as a strategy.

      1. GOPCrusher

        I hear that Blanche Lincoln got a really sweet gig as a greeter at the Little Rock Wal-Mart.

  9. CliveWarren

    Detainments are forever
    They are all that I need to please me
    They can stimulate and tease me
    They won't end in the night, I've no fear that they might desert me

    1. vulpes82

      Don't worry, he'll probably get molested by Breibart in a bunny costume to complete the Monday Morning Suicide News.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      No kidding. I took my kids to our local Easter egg hunt and some of those kids would have tackled their grandmothers to get those eggs. Next year, we're wearing the pads/helmet and getting dirty!

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          Ha, I try! A few of those kids didn't need any damn candy anyway–they are probably about 3 or 4 years out from getting their own Hoverrounds.

  10. x111e7thst

    The Taliban freed more than drivers, farmers and chefs from an Afghan rape prison.
    All drivers farmers and chefs must therefor be sent to Gitmo forevah!!!

    1. baconzgood

      Smirnoff win! Seriously I'm drunk right now because of Smirnoff…..Mmmmmmmm Vodka for breakfast.

  11. Oblios_Cap

    Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

    What kind of meat do they put in the Egg Rolls for Easter? Ham?

    I just made a batch of shrimp egg rolls last week.

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    I am obviously a moran but doesn't keeping a bunch of innocent Muslim civilians in perpetual detainment piss off the other not so innocent Muslims? I have a sad at Barry about this but hope in his 2nd term (crossed fingers), he can let his freak fly & get some shit done.

    1. deanbooth

      I "hope" you're right, but I tend to believe Roger Ebert:

      If nothing has happened by the end of the first reel, nothing is going to happen.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Because they are innocent." No, because they have such amazing superterrorist powers that no civilian court, not even In Gotham itself, could possibly contend with them. Millions would die if one of those superhuman chefs were ever brought before a jury.

    2. Toomush_Infer

      thus risking the awful possibility of them being let loose in society to drive farm and chef us into muslimidamism….I wanna go where all the chefs all know my name, Guatanamo….

  13. horsedreamer_1

    Given the perilous state of Osi's kidneys, from complications of diabetes, I think we need to track Rascal sales in AfPak to know where he is. Plus, are they equipped with GPS?

    Really, finding him should be an hell of a lot easier than suggested.

    1. V572..whatever

      Kindred spirits at the Hoverround factory could probably be persuaded to hide a radio locator beacon on OBL's scooter. And then a Predator drone could home in on it and kill somebody else by mistake.

  14. baconzgood

    HOOORAY FOR WRONGFULL DETENTION!!! USA USA USA USA USA USA!!! What the fuck is habeas corpus any way? Sounds like some faggy french term.

    1. bflrtsplk

      It's Latin for STFU and eat every last one of those rat dicks on your plate or you're on the next charter to Gitmo.

  15. 4TheTurnstiles

    NPR this morning: so many high risk detainees have been shipped out already! so many more are going to be released and transfered! fresh from wikileaks!

    why do I go up to bat for NPR again?

    1. Golfing_OJ

      Meh. There was another story on NPR News this morning, some sort of joint effort with NYT, about how there are these crazy bastard terrorists at Gitmo threatening their captors and saying they can hardly wait to behead as many Americans as they can. Nothing about the Wikileaks thing, though, about Nerf herders getting life sentences for, what, walking down the street.
      Obvs Barry's handlers wanted to play a little Bush-style pre-emptive offense.
      What a shithole, this country.

    2. Golfing_OJ

      On one of the hourly news breaks this AM, NPR had a joint story with NYT about the (alleged) totally whackjobbiest of the detainees, who threaten their captors and swear they'll bump off off the first 5 Murkens they see. Just that, nothing about the Wikileaks thing about Nerf-herders getting put away for life for, whatever, walking down the street. Just “Crazy Terrorists Raving in Their Cages!“
      Barry's Bush-style BS Desk probably got this one from the electric-shock scene in Lethal Weapon. "I'll GIT choo!"

    3. Nothingisamiss

      Because Fox would tell you that his was done under Obama's orders, except that there are no wikileaks and …look over here! Donald Trump has a new show!

  16. Beetagger

    Humankind will not be free until the last Neocon is strangled with the entrails of the last Guantanamo guard.

  17. PsycWench

    The legal crew dealing with Blago can rest assured that the short memories of the American public means that the prospective jurors remember the hair and something about not giving away what is golden. Shouldn't be that hard to pick the pool.

    1. gurukalehuru

      In the Czech Republic, it is today. And they have this weird tradition of whipping the womens until they give you alcoholic beverages. Only half muslin.

  18. arihaya

    oh wait almost forgot,,, now FOX "NEWS" will have new agitprop materials against Obama:

    "Obama enlist Radical Site that mock Trig in his War on Easter"

  19. Ducksworthy

    Without these detainees, what would we have to show for blowing $2 Trillion and all those ruined U.S. casualties?

  20. tcaalaw

    I had it for a brief moment yesterday, but it went away for some mysterious reason.

    I think there's some relative weighting of P as I've noticed mine sliding back and forth a few times before permanently breaking through to a new level.

  21. weejee

    The White House will collect more monies rolling Wall Streeters than by rolling Easter eggs. Silly bunnies must be too high on Peeps to see how to make a real dent in the deficit.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    Bradley Manning's punishments must be increased for his help in informing the world that our government is up to no good! If it weren't for him and that Translucent Australian Sex Machine, we could still pretend that the Gitmo prisoners were all dangerous uber-mensch.

  23. donner_froh

    Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

    You mean the neo-pagan, secretly Islamic ceremonies to destroy Christianity and institute secret Sharia law in the United States?

    Have fun!

    1. tessiee

      Your Wonkette is attending the White House Easter Egg Roll this morning!

      You mean the neo-pagan, secretly Islamic ceremonies to destroy Christianity and institute secret Sharia law in the United States?

      Have fun, you hellbound homos!

      fxd

  24. BarackMyWorld

    The detainees were Muslims in countries we invaded.
    The insurgents were Muslims in countries we invaded.
    Insurgents and terrorists have some of the same letters.
    Therefore, the detainees are all dangerous terrorists

    Why is this so hard to understand???

    1. DahBoner

      "Insurgents and terrorists have some of the same letters. "

      They belonged to the same frats?

      For some reason, I have no problem believing OBL belonged to W's old fraternity…

    2. tessiee

      I'll make it even easier than that: They're all dark-skinned furriners who are plotting to kill the Babby Jeebus and turn everyone else into turban-wearing homos.

  25. V572..whatever

    Next you're going to tell us that in a representative government elected officials have some obligation to educate the voters, instead of just slavishly catering to their fears while sucking down lobbyist $$$ as fast as possible.

  26. James Michael Curley

    "I had it for a brief moment yesterday, but it went away for some mysterious reason."

    Switch to Cialis.

  27. proudgrampa

    I think you're on to something with the "iDialysis," Riley. seems like a much more useful contraption than an "iPad," which sounds like some sort of internet tampon.

  28. DahBoner

    "Gitmo is full of drivers, farmers and chefs."

    Shit, how can they afford to stay there?

    Limbaugh touted "Club G'itmo" as a one-of-a-kind Muslim resort on the west coast of Cuba overlooking the bay.

    Here, here! I say this kind of resort is "too good" for these people!

    We need to put more upmarket clients in there, like Limbaugh, Beck, Paul Ryan, The Koch Brothers…

    …and that damn Travelvelocity garden knome.

  29. lochnessmonster

    1. Bin Laden could very well be okay. Portable dialysis invented by Dean Kamen: Kamen was already a successful and wealthy inventor, after inventing the AutoSyringe, a new type of mobile dialysis system for medical applications, the first insulin pump, and an all-terrain electric wheelchair known as the iBOT, using many of the same gyroscopic balancing technologies that later made their way into the Segway.

    2. Not to be unkind but believe me, there are plenty of ppl in the Chicago area who don't even know what news is. I think they should have no problem finding jurors who never even heard of Blago, much less his crimes to fill out the jury.

    1. HistoriCat

      Well all the lawyers are in love with the sound of their own voices, so they all need to say the exact same shit over and over and over …. or at least, that's what I remember from the jury pool I was on.

Comments are closed.