and if obama signs it he's one too

Republicans To Screen 9/11 First Responders To See If They’re Terrorists

The tens of thousands of cops, firefighters, construction workers and others who survived the worst terrorist assault in U.S. history and risked their lives in its wake will soon be informed that their names must be run through the FBI’s terrorism watch list, according to a letter obtained by HuffPost. [...]

Kline, who sits on the Fealgood Foundation’s board, said he personally wasn’t offended, but couldn’t think of a good reason for cops and firefighters to be screened by the FBI in order to keep getting treatment. [...]

“Is the idea that a terrorist stayed to help clean up? And then stayed all these years to try and get benefits?” he asked. “In all the things I’ve seen out of Washington, this probably takes the cake.”

Well, it makes sense! Why were those first responders so close to the scene, huh? Bravery? The Republicans in Congress know of no such thing. Republicans hate terrorists, and Republicans don’t like people who need health benefits, so doesn’t it stand to reason that all people Republicans oppose are terrorists? Yes. [HuffPo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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113 comments

    1. nounverb911

      The unfortunate thing is that 9iu11iani spent more time at Yankee Stadium that Fall then he did at the WTC.

      The man is a true embarassment.

  1. metamarcisf

    Might be worth it. Who wouldn't want a genuine imitation terrorist wristwatch? Only why should I have to be put on a waiting list to get it?

  2. angryclownspawn

    Republicans hate terrorists. Republicans hate people who want health benefits. People who want health benefits are terrorists. Obviously.

  3. pinkocommi

    Oh those sneaky terrorist first responders! Staying off the planes that hit the Twin Towers and then rushing to the scene to help save people's lives and then developing respiratory ailments, all to divert our attention from their evil, America-hating, terrorist ways….

    1. MadBrahms

      It's the long con! Like those diabolical terror-babies. Sure, it may seem like an extraordinary or even absurd investment of time and money, but that's what makes it so damn *clever*!

      1. dr_giraud

        It's just like taking out a birth-notice ad in the Honolulu newspaper for your Kenyan "grandson" so that one sweet day. . . .

  4. Gopherit

    Anyone who would show that much concern for other human beings that they would destroy their own health is obviously a marx-loving commie nazi who wants a caliphate.

    1. weejee

      The Boy Scouts, when the BSA starts having to write pedo-checks like the Catholic Church has been writing these past years?

      1. V572..whatever

        Are you saying Scoutmaster Harvey wasn't just checking me for leeches after I got out of the lake that year at camp?

  5. RadioJack

    9/11 humor is only second to Trisomy G humor in offending people.
    But yet, let's roll!!

    Sent from my iPhone on the AT&T network. Now with in-flight capability.

        1. trumpbly_joe

          But only if you're a person who relly tried hard at it and still doesn't get it.

          Not nearly as funny as my original comment, but it works.

  6. iburl

    Next time maybe those nosy first responders will mind their own beeswax and let everyone die. If they did, it might have slightly lengthened the time that it took us to lose an equal number of lives in Iraq.

  7. Sue4466

    One more thing that should officially end the GOP's ability to campaign on 9/11. But won't.

  8. DaRooster

    Hey, it's almost like the Repugs don't like people… especially TREMENDOUS, COURAGEOUS people… but this can't be.

    Fuck you Dirtbags!

    1. DahBoner

      It's because the First Responders were exceptional, unselfish people.

      LOSERS!

      Now, had they been exceptionally greedy, selfish people, Republicans could relate…

      1. DaRooster

        I should have caught that. Thanks.
        What a bunch of morons- First Responders… ha…you will never catch me being one of those… when I see someone in trouble from now on its "Turn and run away bitch!" Maybe then someone will help me with my bills. Even if I could get a tax break for being an evil "Fuck all y'all" person… that would be great.

  9. OneYieldRegular

    Clearly, denying these public employees their collective bargaining rights and threatening them with dismissal for not toeing the Republican line isn't punishment enough for all their good deeds.

  10. V572..whatever

    They could be also referring to the people who actually expect a discount because they called in the first fifteen minutes of the infomercial. "Go to your phones NOW!" — what a joke!

  11. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You all just can't comprehend how devious the brown person is. First, they attack the WTC. Then, they wait for the first responder to come in, kidnap them and replace them with deep cover/sleeper cell Al Qaeda agents, who will just bide their time, using up America's precious health care dollars, until they are ready to strike.

    Too far fetched, you say? Then explain Bernie Kerik.

  12. Callyson

    Criminal Strategy 101: Never hang around the crime scene after committing the deed.
    Republican Strategy 101: FEARFEARFEAR…then add more fearmongering. Repeat as needed.

      1. Rarian Rakista

        This is not that far off, the only Catholic sex scandal in the small town I grew up in was when the former altar boy and the priest moved out of town together.

  13. edgydrifter

    They had to blow up the towers so they could stand on the rubble and look like heroes. Neocon Munchausen by Proxy to the max.

  14. DaSandman

    Naw, I'm all in favor of this new dipshit Repug policy. It's incredible! Piss off everyone who might support you except some toorhless South Carolina Nikki "Wide Open" Haley fans.

    Hell yeah, bring on the election, bitches!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Obviously anyone who so materially disparages the Randian way of life that made America great must pose some sort of threat. And did you know that five or more firefighters will hope on ONE fire truck to go to the scene, instead of taking individual fire trucks or Hummers or MRAPS? The concern about fuel, logistics and expense is reminiscent of environmentalist dogmatism. Why, everyone knows that the world's resources are like Scrabble letters — they count against you if you haven't used them before Jesus returns.

  16. V572..whatever

    I regret to inform you that NSA's Counterterrorist Tracking Unit has provided the URL of everyone who responded to this post to Secretary Napolitano (code name: DUMBASS). Don't make any rash purchase of airline tickets or fertilizer.

    1. natoslug

      But it's still okay for me to continue storing my urine in large jars in the basement, right?

      [edit: Hey Spanky2B, did I touch a nerve with urine in the basement? WTF is wrong with you?]

  17. BZ1

    Kline, a former NYPD emergency services officer. “It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s asinine.” Repubs: So?

  18. Gopherit

    They'll be first in line for that sweet sweet "disability" money though. Goddamn commies.

  19. Lost_Teabaggers

    So, has anyone figured out what is verboten to the new wonk-filter language filter? Fuck isn't…but fuck-ing is, I figured that part out. Any other key words for us semi-educated but still vulgar when angry at wingnuts to be aware of?

        1. natoslug

          But intensedebate solves a lot of Ken's headaches, so I say keep it and accept that we're a bunch of crude and tasteless fuckups.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Crude and tasteless fuckups who apparently can't talk to each other? Who or what makes the decision as to what is acceptable? And is there a list somewhere?

          2. natoslug

            We can talk, we just can't communicate using the forbidden words, which we have no fucking clue as to what they are, besides ownday and maybe a few others. But only for some people. So yeah, it's pretty fucked up that some of us are blocked, others aren't and we have no idea what the rules are. Post a fucking style guide, damnit! Fuck.

        2. Gopherit

          If i have to make ANOTHER wonkette login and avatar, someone is going to get kicked in the nuts hard.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      I've had three replies and one direct post disappeared from this thread. All I said was let's substitute "Hugh" for the opposite of up. They showed up at first, then–poof!–they were gone! Let's see if this goes through or if I'm just banned.

      1. natoslug

        D0wn with the system!!! It looks like some of us can post without issue, and some of us are on a watch list. DashboardBuddha has no problems using the D word, so he must be special in some way. An Olympian, even.

        1. MadBrahms

          They can take away our opposite of up, so long as they never take away our "fisting". We use that in many, many ways.

        1. DashboardBuddha

          Heh…I just wanted to say fucking. But, while there are some things I like about ID, what I don't like is how the neighborhood strays can come over and shit in our sandbox.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        How about regular Latin? I could dredge it all up out the file cabinet in my brain whare I keep things I might need someday.

        1. natoslug

          Umm . . . yeah. No. Some of us are ignorant, and plan on staying that way. My daughters know Latin (what can you expect from the Italian one?), but I get lost when it moves beyond Biggus Dickus.

    1. natoslug

      Aye! 'n' thir's th' pool buird whaur ah wis conceived, born 'n' educated!
      (sorry, for a moment I forgot I wasn't Groundskeeper Willie)

  20. SarahsBush

    B-b-b-b-but, Republicans get health benefits! Doesn't that make them terrorists? Oh, that's right, hypocrisy is their loophole.

      1. ttommyunger

        I took the “Repugs investigate first responders” to what I thought was an “ad absurdum” argument. The Administrator took it to be “ad nauseum”, I'm assuming. I don't know whether to feel chastened or proud. This is, after all, the Wonkette.

      1. ttommyunger

        I was tired, it was late, it was not my best offering. I'm not offended; their house, their rules. Kind of weird to discover that you can actually offend the senses of THE WONKETTE, though. Wow! That's kind of like grossing out Satan.

        1. glamourdammerung

          I think a great deal of these is just Intense Debate choking on the tears of all those crying Breitards.

          1. ttommyunger

            I don't give a shit, one way or the other. Just thought it was remarkable. Still not sure whether to feel chastened or honored.

          2. glamourdammerung

            I had the exact same issues when it started and all my comments magically showed up the next day. I really do think a good portion of this is the software being screwy and not the staff playing den mother.

      1. ttommyunger

        We all have to lose our cherry sometime, I just feel honored to lose mine to the infamous Wonkette.

    1. trumpbly_joe

      I got one of those too, but it admittedly was potentially for using the etardedray word. Still, it was a killer comment- oh well, I guess we can't all be as awesome as Jack.

  21. poncho_pilot

    the Republicans probably just learned that firemen don't burn books but actually put them out if said books are on fire.

    which is good news for me because i'm not ready to memorize Catch-22 yet.

  22. ttommyunger

    Let me put it this way: The Repugs may well have a point. Think about it: every time we have a terrorist attack, just look around; you will invariably find first responders at the scene, some of them armed to the teeth. Coincidence? I think not, sir!

  23. JustPixelz

    Dont be so quick to assume these "first responders" are innocent.

    I never saw any pictures of 9/11 without firetrucks and police on the scene. How do we know they weren't already at the WTC waiting for the planes they knew were coming?!?

    Also, not all these terrorists can produce valid long form birth certificates from the U.S.A. That means they can't prove they meet the qualifications for "hero", much less for health benefits.

    Those who do have a birth certificate were no-doubt born here by terror parents who wanted a terror baby. (Fortunately this plot is easily detected by checking skin color.)

    Finally, we know some of these "firemen" went into the buildings just before they collapsed. Coincidence?

    1. HistoriCat

      Shorter version – they all lived and worked in New York. NEW YORK people!! I mean, how much more un-American can you be??

    1. natoslug

      They're tired of us discussing villians from The Incredibles. I think their list has d0wn syndr0me. (really, do we have to use numbers to increase our dickishness?)

        1. natoslug

          Holy fuck. I used zeros instead of ohs. And now it's being rendered as ohs. That's just fucking weird. If I were sober, I wouldn't be so amazed, probably, but right now, it's amazing.

  24. JustPixelz

    From the NPR reporting:

    The amendment's sponsor, Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) tells The Huffington Post that because the funds are "not just for our first responders; nearly anyone who was in the vicinity or worked on a cleanup crew afterward is eligible," the intent is "to ensure that no terrorists get these benefits."

    Terrorists will not be able to resist applying for that sweet, sweet socialist health care. And when they do, we'll have 'em right where we want 'em: In the crosshairs surveyor's mark of a "DENIED" rubber stamp. But honestly, are the terrorists so naive that they think we'd really just pay? Morans.

  25. freakishlywrong

    Having had a friend who died responding first, this only makes me love Retatdlicans more. Way to honor Paddy, assholes.

  26. Rarian Rakista

    No, we are just witnessing what an attempt to tame a political party to an ideology of pure greed and malice looks like. Doesn't work, they are so far out of the mainstream with these tea party dolts clucking for kleptocracy because of Fox News that people are making the connection that they were tricked this time. Beck was the Jester, he was the last hope to keep them placated and now Fox News has a created a mob that is increasingly angry that corporations and rich people aren't paying more taxes, hilarity.

  27. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

    Catch the mist catch the myth catch the mystery catch the drift.
    Bldg seven, twin towers, pentagon, Shanksville, anthrax.
    A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious.
    But it cannot survive treason from within … Cicero

    1. NadePaulKuciGravMcKi

      cover-up must be maintained
      extortion blackmail bribery
      VIP's to be protected

      no investigations
      no prosecutions

  28. TheMeatmaker

    The Fealgood Foundation? Do Tommy Lee and Mick Mars sit on the board? If so, can I join? They must have epic meetings.

  29. horsedreamer_1

    W'ERE R DA JARBS, BONER?

    (Seriously. The press — looking at you, Savannah Guthrie; you pwnd Trump, now show you can get after someone with real power — needs to get on the Speaker until they admit they are nothing but stunting. Defunding Planned Parenthood, likewise NPR, running terrorist background checks on New Yorkers (remember: Red States hate NYC) — this is the GOP agenda. Then, Paul Ryan tries to slip Medicare/Medicaid elimination under cover of nite. Also the GOP agenda. But still, no jobs.)

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