BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  4:50 pm April 22, 2011

Barack Obama Is Your Prophet and Savior of All Beautiful Things

by Sara Benincasa

In Jesus name we do pray, amenz.What a week, amiright? Whew! The handsomest president on Earth traveled around the country doing handsome presidential things, while we ended common decency forever and also GLEE returned! Let us dive into the deep pit of sexy that is Barack Obama’s daily shed-jewel. We will be sure to speak slowly and use tiny words in order to better accommodate our site’s newest ravenous horde of “fans.”

On Monday, Prez Bamz gave the Commander in Chief Trophy (were you aware this existed?) to the Air Force Academy Falcons, a football team run by future World War III flying aces. During the ceremony in the Rose Garden, the Army losers furiously beat the shit out of each other in order to better express their rage. The defeated Marines gay-wept in each other’s arms, and the nonwinnering Navy boys gay-blew each other (under water, obvs!) The unprizeworthy Coast Guard said, “That’s cool, brah” and ran around in slow-mo whilst clad in red bathing suits. Then America’s favorite branch of the military, the Artists Formerly Known As Halliburton, served everyone meals while quietly raping a variety of child-corpses displayed throughout the Rose Garden. All in all, ’twas a splendid event

On Tuesday, Barry went to community college! He answered questions from Troy, Fletch, Pete Campbell’s wife Trudy, and the host of “The Soup.” Hilarity happened, and the network sitcom was saved! Thanks, Barack!

On Wednesday, Barack went to visit the richest person ever, Mark Zuckerberg. They swam through piles of gold coins while Aaron Sorkin gently jerked it in a corner.

On Thursday, Barack went to visit the very handsome Governor Sandoval of Nevada while the similarly-handsome Jack Stuef BROKE AMERICA’S HEART.

Now it is Friday, and what can this mean? Only that Rahm Emanuel and other nefarious Jews are doing even more mysterious things than they did earlier this week, with their matzoh and their mitzvot and their Barbra Streisand. If you are Barack Obama and you want to make out, stop by your kolumnista’s very own live comedic show. If you can’t make it, enjoy the informative videos about your Michele Bachmann, praise be upon Her, and also of course our nation’s smartest human, your Sarah Heath Palin.

 
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Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 217 comments }

welfare_robot April 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I would cheer an executive order that NBC keep "Community" on the air for another few years.

Barb April 22, 2011 at 5:00 pm

I just got my comment deleted by the admin. I didn't say anything bad, didn't swear and didn't use the dreaded "R" word. That's just wrong.

weejee April 22, 2011 at 5:05 pm

What does Ken have against Rumpelstiltskin Rasputin Rumpole

oh, you said Rove

Lascauxcaveman April 22, 2011 at 5:15 pm

I've had several mostly mundane comments get Xed by the admin, too. Also. Today.

Barb April 22, 2011 at 5:17 pm

I changed my post and submitted it again. The word that seems to set it off is the name of the department store that has the Thanksgiving Parade and the "one day sale" LOL

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 5:27 pm

This is refreshing compared to posting on Breitard's sites. So many epithets that I can't use there. It's like using a pillow in a gunfight. It's not like sarcasm or snark makes sense to them……so all that's left is straight-up Tourettes.

Doktor Zoom April 22, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Today we are all Macytards

Cicada April 22, 2011 at 5:49 pm

I believe they prefer the term "differently retailed", Dok.

Cheetah Repeater April 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Admin is a Macist?

Does this mean there exists a cache of Barb outtakes somewhere? I smell a book deal!

metamarcisf April 22, 2011 at 5:22 pm

Shit. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Damn. Hell. We're good to go.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 22, 2011 at 5:27 pm

macy's!

Barb April 22, 2011 at 5:32 pm

potty mouth!

Doktor Zoom April 22, 2011 at 5:39 pm

William H Macy's Parade

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 5:33 pm

r*t*rd, the pull mechanism on a gun that initiates a shot (minus "er"), uh-LASS-kuhnt,
yep, certain things get through.
Why couldn't I say say demented zombie last night?

Chillwaver April 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Trig. Willow. Piper. Track. Bristol. There, I said it.

Happy Easter!

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 7:25 pm

ah, fuck you for getting away with it when mine get deleted haha.

natoslug April 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Is the Man keeping you d0wn again?

riverside68 April 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm

I just quoted some folk song lyrics about a rocket launcher and they got deleted.

Sensitive about death threats against elected officials guess. (I thought Southern California was a free fire zone.)

Sassomatic April 22, 2011 at 6:05 pm

We can't fucking swear on this blog anymore? Someone explain this.

Lascauxcaveman April 22, 2011 at 6:55 pm

That has never been, and never will be the case.

1st Amendment, you betcha.

Jukesgrrl April 23, 2011 at 12:18 am

I would have assumed the 1st Amendment covered the letter d typed with three dashes after it, but that post of mine was deleted, too.

gef05 April 22, 2011 at 8:32 pm

It would be such a cunt if we can't swear.

Callyson April 22, 2011 at 6:38 pm

This happened to me a couple of times also (for very tame remarks). There must be some glitch in Wonkette's system.

SarahsBush April 22, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I hope that's what it is, but likely it has something to do with the response to Jack's redacted post. Perhaps Wonkette started off with a default filter that deleted tame remarks. But, hey, looks like we can say "mustard" again!

Seriously, and I just made a new account.

emmelemm April 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Yeah, let's just call it a "glitch". Nothing to see here…

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Son of a bitch…it just happened again, all I was doing was sharing in your pain by telling my own sad tale of a great t-shirt design baring my catchphrase and some ornamentation of teabags and the republican elephant twisted into a wingnut….something involving god, with a halo…followed by first-person declarative I…a vulgar word dealing with sex…the diametric opposite of love, and wingnuts. Just fishing to see what it is that gets this comment deleted.

imissopus April 22, 2011 at 9:40 pm

I'm wondering if it has anything to do with the Amazon cloud crash. I don't know much about internet architecture, but it's certainly possible some part of Wonkette or IntenseDebate's service is hosted by EC2.

flamingpdog April 24, 2011 at 1:11 pm

I signed up and made my first post ever to Wonkette, but had the misfortune of mindlessly putting the "d" word in it and my post got rejected. Everything I've tried to post since then has disappeared. I think I'm banned for life. Trucknutz! Also.

V572..whatever April 22, 2011 at 5:03 pm

AFA Falcons = Flying Christards Bombing Muslins for Jeebus. Your tax $$ at work. They really know how to pull the Trig ger.

keepem_sikanpor April 22, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Brilliant.

V572..whatever April 22, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Oh Sara, there you go again: "columnista," ha, ha-ha!

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Sara, You didn't call Barry a pale imitation of Reagan. Ken is gonna put a hit out on you.

Chillwaver April 22, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Barry can't do "pale." If he did, Teatards wouldn't exist.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 5:16 pm

REAGAN WAS BLACKER THAN OBUMMER! HARHARHAR!

DahBoner April 22, 2011 at 6:06 pm

# JUST THE OTHER DAY WE SAW THE CORPSE OF RONALD REAGAN RIDING AROUND IN A BRAND NEW PINK CADILLAC CONVERTIBLE WITH A PREGNANT 17 YEAR OLD WELFARE QUEEN

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 6:31 pm

THE TRUE "O'KEEFE" TOUCH WAS THE STAR OF DAVID SPINNERS

chascates April 22, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Why do we eat bitter herbs?

weejee April 22, 2011 at 5:19 pm

To memorialize Julian Assange who is bitter with the Swedes?

zhubajie April 22, 2011 at 9:05 pm

Symbolizes the difficulties of marriage

BTWBFDIMHO April 22, 2011 at 11:20 pm

You're confusing it with bitter herpes.

Jukesgrrl April 23, 2011 at 12:23 am

I ate mine this year in honor of Bradley Manning. His 1st Amendment problems make my complaints about the D word look petty. Why isn't Caroline Kennedy speaking out about this? Is she still bitter about Kirsten Gillibrand?

OneDollarJuana April 23, 2011 at 9:22 am

And why is Herb so bitter?

Barb April 22, 2011 at 5:11 pm

"They swam through piles of gold coins while Aaron Sorkin gently jerked it in a corner." I can see it now, Aaron has his gold doubloomers pulled around his ankles, a roll of quarters gently tucked into his tushie, stroking gently as he watches Mark and Barry, playing a rousing game of shirtless "Marco Polo" Pure Hedonism.

Chet Kincaid April 22, 2011 at 6:42 pm

You has a kinky side.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 22, 2011 at 5:19 pm

did halliburton serve sushi off those child-corpses?

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 5:34 pm

And lines of coke too.

zhubajie April 22, 2011 at 9:06 pm

They WERE the sushi!

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

YES.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 22, 2011 at 11:13 pm

what? are you all alone and bored on a friday night?

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Hello, my darlings! I missed you! Haha, this week we are all heinous beasts!

Lazy Media April 22, 2011 at 5:34 pm

Whaddaya mean THIS week?

BTW, did you know that the Navy and Marine Corps footballers are on the same school/team? #blewyourminddidn'tI

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 5:37 pm

First, we're baby killers, now, we just make fun of them. Despicable.
And Mr. Layne and Mr. Stuef are…well there are no words that will get by the "administrator" to describe them.

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Can we still say 'morally weak?'

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 5:55 pm

haha, beat me to it

upfistings all round

DemmeFatale April 22, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Huh? You can say "upfistings?"

What is the secret list of do's and don'ts?

V572..whatever April 22, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Only while smoking a Kool.

LetUsBray April 22, 2011 at 9:58 pm

It's only Friday evening, but I believe user-of-owls has won the weekend.

trampndirtdown April 23, 2011 at 12:21 am

What's new.

gullywompr April 22, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Zero "fucks". OK, I can take a hint.

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Oh sure…butter us up with the usual verbal assault and battery, then call us darlings? Why you gotta do us like that for? Baby, what did we do soooooo wrong? Yeaaahhhhh…. : cue the Barry White music: If lovin' you is wrong…we don't wanna be right….come on, just call us dildo baby-killers one time, let us know you still care…

fuflans April 22, 2011 at 9:32 pm

we are all pondscum floating on the world of righteous breitbart readers.

do you have clout to get our 'd' word back? Sometimes we might need to go 'Dtown' or D 'to the river' or be 'Dwind' of a bad smells from trolls.

and I'm sure there are many more such sturdy anglo-saxon needs.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 1:55 am

I think it's pronounced "anus beats".

Doktor Zoom April 22, 2011 at 5:21 pm

…our site’s newest ravenous horde of “fans.”

Well, that's one way to polish a tard.

emmelemm April 22, 2011 at 7:11 pm

FTW. A pun *and* an almost banned word in one.

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Wow….that one got banned faster than Haley Barbour from a male stripper bar. Ya know…because he gropes and acts innapropriately to the dudes. Okay, so many of my comments have been banned, I can't make funny happen with the restrictions…if I ever could to begin with. :bows head:

gullywompr April 22, 2011 at 9:55 pm

How is funny formed?

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Okay…to explain this, I must tell a story. So, Sarcastic Witt is a single guy, a bit of a partier, probably not the most responsible guy. Then, one night out at a club, he meets Inspiration Observation, a rather comely and not to scandalize, but she's easy. So, Sarcastic and Inspiration meet, get drunk and fuck each other silly. Nine months later, Funny Joke is born. Now, depending upon Sarcastic's and Inspiration's looks and genetic code, Funny Joke can either be hilarious and seductive, or well….Trig-orforous, like when Dennis Miller shows his "Funny" off.

So, that's the story of how Funny is formed…if you don't believe me and heh, heh, I've been known to lie when pressed for specifics, mind you…check out "Who's Nailin' Palin?" the true story of the 2008 election…which also chronicles how a certain gibbering slobbery money-maker was formed, who incidentally caused a great whiney stir which has forced us all to watch our foul fuck-ing mouths.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 1:58 am

I usually tell you to do brevity, but this one really called for all those words.

V572..whatever April 22, 2011 at 5:25 pm

See my comment below, where I'm typographically fucking asking for it.

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 5:44 pm

MUSTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[edit: WHAT? This word is going through this time? It got my post deleted a minute ago . . . ]

It looks like mustard also triggers it…

[edit: no, mustard made it through, as did trigger. Fuck.]

[edited edit: Let's try this again, with yet more words removed]

Four comments deleted,
so now I explore.
What words, or is it combinations
raise the ire of the mighty Ken?
I press [redacted] the [redacted], then up
and still the post goes through.
What random nonsense
[redacted] an auto-delete?
[redacted] me, I have no clue.
Obviously, I have gone from [redacted] to re.

V572..whatever April 22, 2011 at 5:48 pm

I was going to send this from an old Motorola readio, but the static on thaT rig is a retard ing my broadcasts

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 5:50 pm

So, the first word, which keeps disappearing from my list, is the opposite of up. I tried posting just that one word, and it gets deleted. How about this?

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Second word, not the same as the first word, would best be described as what angryblakguy's avatar shows being raised in the air. Yes, a closed hand, like the one I almost put through my monitor.

[edit: Forgot to try it alone, as I did the first word. FIST!!!]

[edited edit: That last one went through. Yay. So I'll just run the rest together and see what happens then . . . tr1ggers|fuck|mustard

deanbooth April 22, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Both Up Syn-drome and its opposite get clipped.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:07 am

I obscenity in the obscenity of your obscenity.

natoslug April 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

[redacted] you! (or maybe "please [redacted] me!")

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 5:47 pm

The handsomest president on Earth

You can only get away with this comment because Golda Meir was a Prime Minister.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 1:58 am

Hey now, Golda Meir was a handsome woman(?).

x111e7thst April 22, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Raping the corpses of children is just performance art anyway. My college girlfriend (she went to Sarah Lawrence) did it all the time in the late 70's.

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

This is confusing. Do they want to cut NEA or Defense funding?
Well, back to stabbing fetuses and making Easter stew.

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Oh god, really?! I think I ran into her in '79 when I was doing my show on post-feminist gender theory relating to Napoleonic phallo-centrism. To this day, I still think my best work was "Cunts for Runts."

Still, her work was genuinely provocative, evocative and necrotive. "Dead Babies Are Just Asking For It" was a work for the ages.

DahBoner April 22, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Attention all new "fans":

HOW ON EARTH DID THOSE PICTURES OF DEAD BABY RAPING GET ON MY HARD DRIVE???

Go away now! Quick! And delete your hard drive, too!!!!

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Spit my Bass Pale Ale all over the pad on that one, UOO.

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 7:52 pm

:)

GhostBuggy April 22, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Before I started posting, I thought these little dispatches were a little too weirdly sexy to get involved in (although this one is remarkably clean). Of course, I'm now hooked. Only now, in the end, do I get it.

Now excuse me while I go write my weekly e-mail imploring the author to get me in my end.

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Well, now that you get it in the end, you are supremely qualified to post here.

Boojum_Reborn April 22, 2011 at 6:00 pm

REprise the new rules for the TARDy, please? Can we no longer explain adagio?

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 7:32 pm

And what about pianississimo?

BlueStateLibel April 22, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Nice try with the smaller words, but I'm sure this column was still way above the reading level of wonkette's new "fans." Plus, I don't think they can read anything unless it's in all caps.

TsunamiAli April 22, 2011 at 6:26 pm

OMG, at those prices for comedy I would hop(e) on a JetBlue to see that schmizzle on my hizzle (I don't know what I just said, I think it is Yiddish). But I am poor and (now) unemployed so I will take a nice long, bubble bath, light a scented candle and fantasize of what the funny may have been. Or just masturbate.

DahBoner April 22, 2011 at 6:34 pm

"Barack Obama Is Your Prophet and Savior of All Beautiful Things"

A negative-calorie desert topping chock full of antI-oxidants?

And an organic, bio-degradable, non-toxic floor polish?

# WELL ALRIGHTY THEN! SOCIALISM IS #1!!!!!

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:21 am
WhatTheHeck April 22, 2011 at 6:50 pm

It's Easter. Sara's being kind to us. Thank you, Oh Mistress.

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 10:30 pm

I will fucking murder you with my hate-words next week. But not as much as I want, because Ken says I have to be nicer to you bastard people.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 11:53 pm

don't let them out of the cave til sunday.

HistoriCat April 23, 2011 at 9:50 am

"Ken says I have to be nicer to you bastard people" – that's so un-Ken-like. Is he dying? Been replaced by an alien double? This is not good.

lulzmonger April 23, 2011 at 10:06 pm

Mmm, verbocide!

Test his DNA: Ken may have been secretly replaced with a Canadian doppelganger.

politics_nerd April 22, 2011 at 7:12 pm

I think I speak for America when I say, uhmwhut?

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 7:36 pm

I can't believe nobody praised the phrase "Obama's daily shed-jewel," which calls up such a provocative image. High praise for your ongoing euphemistic creativity, Ms. Benincasa.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Anyody have the link to the post that tells how Barack rapes Malia and Sasha, and passes them around as party favors? That's the Wonkette people come here for!

I expect this post will probably be deleted, because the staff here is so homophobic.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I doubt it will get deleted, but if you're into raping young black girls, I can only say I am surprised by your gender choice.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Wow, project much?

It's the wonkettes who think incest and rape is funny, not me.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:26 pm

.i think you think it is serious bizness. also, you didn't address why you didn't go gay. are you not a commie?

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm

YES WE LOVE THE RAPE AND INCEST!!!1111!!!11!!! This is why I constantly fuck Jack while he writes hateful things, even though he is my Wonkette brother.

BARAK OBAMAR IZ A SOCIALIST KENYIN!!!111!!!!

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:01 am

ROTFLMAO!

wok3 April 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm

someone needs a dictionary.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:45 pm

Yeah, I know. Liberals are idiots who keep trying to use words… it's hard to keep up with them.

For example, according to Wonkette, "homophobic" can be defined as "doesn't think people should joke about rape and incest."

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:27 pm

um…..i am sorry you desire to joke about rape and incest? You must have had an interesting family.

***#$ notice, you have not been banned for being eternally stupid.

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I think "homophobic" means "awesome." RON REAGAN #1!!!111!!!!111!!!

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 8:08 pm

No, you won't get deleted.

I expect you'll be soundly castigated for being an unfunny, ill-educated cunt.

keepem_sikanpor April 22, 2011 at 8:54 pm

You know who else is a cunt…

LibrulEleet April 22, 2011 at 10:21 pm

The mother of a certain branch of math? The one with sines, cosines, and tangents?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Well played, sir.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I thought all you cuntsniffers here wouold think that's funny?

Anyway, according to Wonkette, you're homophobic for not giving me money.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Let it be known to all: Malclave renounces vagina and is available. That good enough for you, big fellah? Should we mention your penchant for rape and incest?

SaraJBenincasa April 22, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I wish you bastard people did more than just sniff cunts. This puss ain't gonna eat itself.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 22, 2011 at 11:19 pm

now hold on there. cunt sniffing is a valid, important activity. beats fapping to any palin.

"bring it on! mission accomplished!" punk.

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 8:13 pm

Had it been slightly anal and homoerotic, it may have been funny, but since it was hetero and pedophilic–it really doesn't fit the scheme. Pedo–go to breitbart, that's your audience. Hetero not so much.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:47 pm

So now you're into anal rape? Liek the way Michelle Obama does Barry?

Just trying to gather up advertising dollars here, but you homophobes are too bigoted.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Dood. you like anal, incest, and rape? You sure you are on the right site? I'd suggest either redtube.com or any of the RNC sites.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:06 am

So now you're into anal rape? Liek the way Michelle Obama does Barry?

Hey, some of us Wonketters would pay top dollar to see that.

But, really, thanks for the pageviews and clicks you stupid bastard.

keepem_sikanpor April 22, 2011 at 8:57 pm

You simply don't have a clue. You won't be deleted, you are the epitome of why we come here. Rock on.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Rock on dude.

And here I thought you came here for the incest jokes.

But then, most wonkette regulars ARE incest jokes, I guess.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I see. so you are saying trig is an incest baby? You sir are no patriot, and also a kinky disgusting fucktard.

Sassomatic April 22, 2011 at 9:38 pm

*sigh*

Having never expressed my dislike of a comment by clicking on the red hand which opposable digit is pointing toward the bottom of my screen, I accidentally clicked the other one, indicating approval.

Someone redress this unfortunate mistake please.

malclave April 22, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Aww, poor little dipshit doesn't like comedy…

Sassomatic April 22, 2011 at 9:55 pm

I'm so sorry to hear that about your penis.

AutomaticPilot April 22, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Oh, is our troll Ann Coulter?

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm

Comedy?

just substitute your name any time they mention the son in these jokes. it will be like a family reunion:
http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/a/aris

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Someone redress this unfortunate mistake please.

Done. I'm assuming others will rush to do the same, Insha'Allah.

MommysFetusJar April 23, 2011 at 12:04 am

On the motherfucker.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:25 am

"Someone redress this unfortunate mistake please. "

I'm guessing that several people already have.

undeterredbyreality April 23, 2011 at 10:58 am

Anybody notice that this troll's name backwards is eval-clam? A hint, a very palpable hint! (Misspelled of course, but what do you expect?) We're being invaded by bi-valve mollusks!

imissopus April 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Don't be silly. Bivalve mollusks can make much more cogent arguments.

glamourdammerung April 23, 2011 at 2:47 pm

I am wondering where the flying monkey flock of Breitards is not screeching about how terrible you are right now.

It is almost like they have completely arbitrary standards.

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm

Alright…so I'm going to run for President of this here moderator board…I will deregalate them thar comments sos we can say 'tarded again. Also, I want to be able to use fuck as a verb…along with all the other vulgar words we all love that reflect our liberal elitism/ivy league edumacation. It's time for you to stop holdin' us back from funny creatin, dag nabbit!

ShaveTheWhales April 22, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Well, I'll be. An entire preposition, flavor of quark, and noun has been abolished.

fuflans April 22, 2011 at 9:39 pm

well you win smarts for the day.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:29 am

The only kind of quarks I can think of are strange and charmed, so if this comment doesn't get deleted, that means there's probably at least one other kind.

rambone April 22, 2011 at 9:42 pm

ShaveTheWhales: Well, I'll be. An entire preposition, flavor of quark, and noun has been abolished.

It's almost as if people with certain disabilities are being aborted by the interweb ex post facto. Outrage! Faux outrage!

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:51 pm

meh. shortbus works just fine.

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 10:10 pm

"This comment has been deleted by the administrator."

Shit, I can't even quote the fuckin' blues anymore? I'm goin daown; Daown, daown, daown, daown, daown.

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 10:12 pm

Is this because of Jack's daown sin-drome baby comments or because the daown-thumber has taken over the "intense debate." And how fucking intense can the debate be if the abuse of a child by its parent can't be commented upon freely?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 10:19 pm

We're on the naughty step because of Jack, so we can't say r-tard or the adjective indicating declination.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 11:47 pm

meh. i never called trig a candidate for the short bus anyway. I firmly believe, no snark, that he will be far more useful and brilliant than the whole family of swindlers and idiots he will unfortunately have to call family.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 23, 2011 at 12:50 am

Most of the posts in that birthday thread were along those lines. This is overlooked by the sanctimonious screechers on certain other intertube websites.

trampndirtdown April 23, 2011 at 12:35 am

Meh I think Jack set the auto delete that way so we'd talk about it more. He's not sorry!

AJW@[redacted] April 24, 2011 at 10:25 am

Then the breitards have won.

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 11:43 pm

Yeah, well you know how these people work, right? If Jack or Ken, or Riley or anyone (except for Sara, those fiery locks and big boobs let her get away with everything) on Wonkette calls attention to the utterly tasteless exploitation of a special needs child by Sarah bizzitch Palin, then we're a bunch of dirty commonists. Also, just to show they believe in freedom and freedom of speech (remember how every time Rush or Beckers get's caught saying something racist or bigoted or borderline Nazi ant-semitic, it's out of context and freedom of speech, also?) the Palinites fly into such a tizzy as to get sponsors jacked, forcing a small, independent satire and politics outlet to censor itself and its commenters. Because after all, freedom only exists when wingnuts say something utterly tasteless….then the people who object are just whiney, sissy liberals on welfare playin' the race card, and so forth.

imissopus April 23, 2011 at 12:59 am

I remember awhile back when some boycotts of Beck advertisers started up all these conservatards started screaming "WHAT ABOUT GLENNS FIRST AMENDMENT RITES TO FREE SPEECH!!111!!" Note they weren't too concerned about that issue when they started spamming Papa Johns and Huggies.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:31 am

Perhaps because they're such avid purchasers of both?

SayItWithWookies April 22, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Quel fuckin' insanity, as the French would say. Can we still say artisinally-crafted glory holes?

undeterredbyreality April 23, 2011 at 10:45 am

Thank you for that [redacted]-link.

MozakiBlocks April 22, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Do-do-do [redacted] doobie-doo-[redacted]-[redacted].
Com-a, com-a, [redacted] doobie-doo-[redacted]-[redacted].
Com-a, com-a, [redacted] doobie-doo-[redacted]-[redacted].
Breakin' up is hard to do.

Don't take your love,/(Do-do-do, [redacted],)
(Doobie-doo-[redacted]-[redacted].)/away from me.
(Com-a, com-a, [redacted]-),/Don't you leave my heart/
(-Doobie-doo-[redacted]-[redacted].)/in misery.
(Com-a,com-a, [redacted]),/If you go then
(De-[redacted], de-[redacted].)/I'll be blue.
'Cause breakin' up is hard to do.

undeterredbyreality April 22, 2011 at 10:36 pm

If you're alone and life is makin you lonely you can always go…
[redacted]town.

(it doesn't really scan, somehow.)

LetUsBray April 23, 2011 at 1:52 am

Coming [redacted] again,
Coming [redacted] again,
All my time's been spent,
Coming [redacted] again…

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:33 am

[Redacted] by the river,
I shot my baby…

rambone April 22, 2011 at 11:01 pm

We will be sure to speak slowly and use tiny words in order to better accommodate our site’s newest ravenous horde of “fans.”

To any of those visiting "fans", let me assure you that we Wonketeers have been misquoted and that we love the goofy bastards.

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Haha….classic moment, classic character…..Mongo does have a drive-in movie theater for a forehead and needs to be set free to frolic and dig, also….

Lost_Teabaggers April 22, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Just so you know, even though I'm a little annoyed about the deletions of my tasteless comments (it's a bit like being in fuck-ing Utah again), no hard feelings Wonkette. Jack, I'd rather read 1,000 utterly tasteless Trig jokes from you than submit to a single column written by Dave "you can't say re-tarded, only I can" Weigel. The crass humor and near communist liberalism is what seduced me to Wonkette to begin with…the slattern that she is.

Oh, and so our visiting Palinites can understand me, I'll have someone else write books for me and attach my name and likeness to them knowing full well you moranic apes will buy them. I'll also pretend I'm a victim of everyone, because there's nothing more endearing than an over privileged ex-beauty queen with a head full of dust acting like she's picked on to drum up money and support from mouth breathers. Especially when her defenders are the kind of wonderful people who throw dollar bills at a homeless vet and mock him for supporting HCR because he's been victimized by the for-profit death panels. That is all.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Top ranting. To be encouraged.

Also, I think we can say "fucking" with impunity. As in "Sarah Palin is a fucking godawful grifting mouthbreather with the intellectual capacity of a particularly stupid vole"

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 11:58 pm

as you, i will not be constrained by mere text blocking. i have a vocabulary beyond expletives, bitches. Deal.

Sassomatic April 22, 2011 at 11:59 pm

Remember back in the good old days of 2008, that Palin fan blog, what the hell was the name of it? Anyway, Wonkette had a war with it. I got the ban hammer for saying I thought Michelle Obama was a nice lady. Then they made it so only "members" could even LOOK at their insanely racist comments about the Obamas, including their children. And to get a membership you had to fill out this crazy application. One of the questions was "What do you like most about Sarah Palin?" I answered "her hair," which I thought was a good answer. Didn't make it into the club though.

What I'm saying is, if you don't like our inappropriate and offensive comments, go back to your own fucking blog, ya cunts.

MommysFetusJar April 23, 2011 at 12:15 am

I was just recalling the epic Pee Oooohma Blogwar of Jan. 09. In fact, went back to that conflootin' blog to see if those bitches were still as batshit crazy as they were two years ago. They are.

I MISS THOSE WARBLOGGING DAYZ.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 23, 2011 at 12:26 am

Gosh, I wasn't here then. At the time I was on a particularly interesting spinoff of the old FuckedCompany message boards.

FuckedCompany was particularly good at warblogging. The finest moment was obtaining admin privileges on the StormFront racist message board, deleting most of the posts, editing the founder's posts indicating that he was in favor of homosexual miscegenation, and sending out a mass email to all members informing them that "StormFront is now out of the race hate game and has reinvented itself as an online gay meeting place. Come on feel the noize!"

Childish, yes, but exceptionally amusing.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:35 am

"a particularly stupid vole"

OMG!! I first read this as "a particularly stupid hole"!

Warpde April 23, 2011 at 12:53 am

Now that was a great fucking rant.

Warpde April 23, 2011 at 12:46 am

"Now it is Friday, and what can this mean?"
Time to break out the rum. Lots and lots of rum.

Gopherit April 23, 2011 at 12:55 am

done and done.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 23, 2011 at 1:04 am

Drinkin' in the Back Seat,
Drinkin' in the Front Seat,
Rum Rum Rum Rum

etc & so on

I also am with you.

undeterredbyreality April 23, 2011 at 10:42 am

You know who else said "I am with you."

SaraJBenincasa April 23, 2011 at 1:51 am

I love the lot of you sick, twisted shit-humans. I really do.

Warpde April 23, 2011 at 2:00 am

I bet you say that to all the boy's :)

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:14 am

I hope she says it to all the girls, too. That'd be so hot.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 23, 2011 at 2:52 am

Sick, twisted shit-humans was nonspecific, so let the girl-boners roll!

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 3:32 am

Gender neutral FTW!

gullywompr April 23, 2011 at 2:11 am

There it is! Finally….

lulzmonger April 23, 2011 at 10:27 pm

This warms the cockles of my golem turd-heart.

Excuse me … I think I have an undigested peanut in my eye …

natoslug April 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

Since we are a nation of tards, I'm going to bastardize the bibble and insist that Faith without Works are Dead. In other words, I demand our love be expressed physically, for the whole lot of us.

gef05 April 23, 2011 at 6:51 am

"while the similarly-handsome Jack Stuef BROKE AMERICA’S HEART"

Duct tape can fix anything. Even stupid things.

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Fist triggers fuck mustard. If this goes through, which it should, then whatever script is in place does not like the opposite of up.

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 7:37 pm

The opposite of up, no matter how innocuous the context, is verboten. Beyond that, I think you're good.

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 7:50 pm

D

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 7:51 pm

o

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 7:52 pm

w

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 7:52 pm

n

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 7:53 pm

?

natoslug April 22, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Si.

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 8:33 pm

The Rat

gullywompr April 22, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Trisonomy G.

[edit] Well, that still works.

[edited edit] You're right, neither of the two words that comprise the more commonly used phrase for the Greatest Living American's condition are post-able.

Looks like Jack has as much trouble with regex as I do.

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 8:46 pm

A genetic anomaly that includes an extra chromosome.
The opposite of upfister shall remain nameless.
Mongoloid?

Jukesgrrl April 22, 2011 at 8:49 pm

Three of my posts were deleted today and all I was trying to do was compliment Widestance Roman who achieved 100p today. But I used the d-word. Is that why?

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Fucking stupid cyber moderator.
Mongoloid, mongoloid, mongoloid.
Mongoloid Fister.
I wonder if corporate sponsorship of Devo is in jeopardy.

For the Troops, Don't forget the troops!

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm

Drat! Er…

Jukesgrrl April 22, 2011 at 8:53 pm

We're allowed to say upfist, but not the other one? It it some kinda Good Friday thing, or has Jack ruined every word starting with the fourth letter of the alphabet for all time?

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:09 am

Oh!!

THAT explains why my post got deleted, where I said Victoria Jackson needs to put d**n the crack pipe.

Extemporanus April 22, 2011 at 9:20 pm

Try makin' like Mitchum, as I suggested doing back when this whole painful p-ness BS began:

"Lovefist" and "Hatefist"

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 10:39 pm

We can't say nwoD, because saying nwoD emordnyS girT is a drateR was insulting people who work with the developmentally disabled. Not being able to say nwoD is a bit annoying though.

RadioJack April 22, 2011 at 9:38 pm

To quote the great Mark E. Smith:
FANS! ! ! "Remember, you are abroad!
Remember the police are rough!
Remember the unemployed!
Remember my expense account!

LetUsBray April 22, 2011 at 9:52 pm

Yep, on wonkette, what goes up apparently just keeps on going.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:49 pm

will have to see the adams apple to confirm, but the love of anal, rape, and incest looks good.

HistoriCat April 23, 2011 at 10:00 am

Dennis Miller.

tessiee April 24, 2011 at 1:26 am

No, she's got a foot of swinging dick.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 10:52 pm

will you marry me? Or let me go down. just as good.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 22, 2011 at 11:20 pm

sjb , you need to do more yoga. and stretches. some day… some day.

lulzmonger April 23, 2011 at 10:15 pm

There, there. A well-placed dab of live-culture necrotizing fasciitis will take care of that problem in no time!

Alternative therapy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CxVKtNkQAtw (obligatory)

Chet Kincaid April 25, 2011 at 9:11 am

My goodness.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 11:01 pm

DAMN THAT IS SO HOMOPHOBIC!

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Fine…..not intended to be a factual statement…..mostly. still….you go, Sara.

gullywompr April 23, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Hey, how did you manage to slip the word in that describes the direction in which you want to go on Sara?

Jukesgrrl April 23, 2011 at 12:16 am

Yes. Excellent idea. A lovefist for ya.

Jukesgrrl April 23, 2011 at 12:25 am

Yes, indeed.

Doktor Zoom April 23, 2011 at 1:09 am

Dag–just tried a link to a 2-second audio clip whose URL included the dread word. Nada.

(It was the opening bits of "Jungle Boogie," by the way…)

rambone April 23, 2011 at 1:32 am

But never doownn? Truly a brave new world of taardtasstic physics!

undeterredbyreality April 23, 2011 at 10:47 am

Sun goes up, sun goes up. You can't explain that.

gullywompr April 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm

Get [redatced], get [redacted]…

Gopherit April 24, 2011 at 12:28 am

wonkette lurves me.

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