the future of culture

Democracy’s Troll Breitbart Says a Lot of Dumb Stuff To Victoria Jackson

Look! The poop leech in action!Human poop-leech Andrew Breitbart is probably best known for choosing carefully edited videos of black women who have done nothing wrong, but are actually pretty remarkable citizens, and trying to ruin their lives and the reputation of what is perhaps the most important civil rights group in American history. Unfortunately, the first time he did that, the media finally called him out for what he is, and the black-lady target was vindicated. Sad face. He’s still around, though, because he is loud. Which brings us to this delightful WorldNetDaily column by idiot Tea Party celebrity Victoria Jackson. She loves Andrew Breitbart, and they’ve appeared together many times! Apparently Andrew thinks just the world of Victoria and her handstands, and says she will change “the landscape of Hollywood.”

When I first met Andrew in L.A., he told me that history would look back on me and smile, that I would be one of the influences that changed the landscape of Hollywood from 100 percent liberal to at least 50-50 … something to that effect. I puffed up with pride and pictured myself winning my third Oscar, shrugging my shoulders, thanking God and hearing whispers from the front row, “She’s the reason I switched to conservative!” “Me, too!” “I just love President Palin!” “I just got born again!” At the Vanity Fair party, Sean Penn sidles up to me and purrs into my ear, “Conservative women are so much sexier,” and then Susan Sarandon says, “I always knew you were smart!”

Well, I’m pretty much banned from Hollywood right now, so I don’t know exactly when that dream will come true, but …

“Banned from Hollywood” = “Nobody remembers who the fuck she is or why anybody would ever employ her”

Kooky conservatives!

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Just look at the delight on his face! He knows a star when he’s seen one. Perhaps she can put on blackface and star as Shirley Sherrod in his next video? That would probably be pretty dangerous, considering it may cause Los Angeles to literally catch on fire from the sheer brilliance of the performance, and would probably end liberalism once and for all.

On the way to my second tea-party speech, in ’09, I asked Breitbart if it was philosophically correct if I called the president a communist. “People admit he’s a Marxist, and Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto, so what’s the difference?” After a long pause, Andrew said, “Victoria, say whatever you want to say.” I took that as permission, so I started publicly discussing the state of our union in this simplest way I could, explaining our sudden government takeover and dying middle class.

Very logical, that. Yes, you should always ask Breitbart first for permission, as he has closets full of awards given for his excellent media ethics.

Andrew suddenly asked if I’d be his sidekick on the radio the next morning at 6 a.m. when he filled in for Dennis Miller. I quickly said yes! What an adventure! My house was far away in Acton, so Andrew called his wife, asked her permission and then invited me to stay at his home in the tony Bel Air area.

Andrew continued, “I thought of the title to my book today! I was eating pulled pork and it came to me, ‘Righteous IndigNation’! You know, with the Right and the Nation in bold. …” “That’s great!” I said, tingling with importance – I was one of the first people to know this.

OMG, Victoria! You were there when socialism was finally killed forever! Good luck with All Black People Are Racist: the Shirley Sherrod Story! [WND]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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176 comments

  1. Barb

    "Well, I’m pretty much banned from Hollywood right now, so I don’t know exactly when that dream will come true, but …"

    Vickie, you were never really IN Hollywood to begin with. You live in a space in your mind called "Hollyweird"

    1. Gopherit

      I can see her confusion……..lack of talent isn't always a career ender in hollywood……but pendantic conservitwat with no talent probably does tip the scales.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        In Hollywood, if you don't have talent, you're not supposed to simultaneously be old and fat, as well. Pick one of those three, Victoria, and Hollywood might give you a shot.

        But three strikes and you most definitely out.

  2. XOhioan

    From what I hear, Victoria got her first steady job in Hollywood by putting her feet in the air. Too bad she didn't stick with that profession.

  3. DaRooster

    "…I puffed up with pride…"

    You puffed with something babe… High Fructose Corn Syrup?

  4. pinkocommi

    “She’s the reason I switched to conservative!”

    I can't say that, but I can say, She's the reason I threw up a little in my mouth.

  5. PeaceWithHonor

    Victoria, honey, you have no talent and your thighs are huge. Even Jesus can't get you an Oscar.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Palin was fascinated when the McCain flunkeys taught her the order of WWI and WWII.

      So it's entirely possible this moron doesn't realize 1,2,3 are in sequence.

  6. CliveWarren

    "I started publicly discussing the state of our union in this simplest way I could"

    In teabonics.

    "That’s great! I said, tingling with importance"

    If you are having breakfast with Breitbart and you are tingling. It's not importance. It's probably cunt-lice.

    1. TheMadKing

      Clive I don't know which is sadder. The fact you get a tingle out of cunt-lice or that 57 other libtards actually voted you up. Again, Trig would be at the head of the Wonkette class.

      1. CliveWarren

        I think it was John Madden who said: "We are the zanies of sorrow. We are clowns whose hearts are broken."

  7. OzoneTom

    If she topples-over when doing the handstand she'll change the landscape wherever she is.

    1. tessiee

      "If she topples-over when doing the handstand "

      If she doesn't, those big fat floppers will at least cover her face and possibly even suffocate her.

  8. DaRooster

    “That’s great!” I said, tingling with importance – I was one of the first people to know this."
    (And that's about all you know now, correct?)

    Rush Limbaugh tingled with importance once… nothing a couple of Viagra… oh wait, not TANGLING with IMPOTENCE?

    1. BornInATrailer

      Don't worry Waggaman, Andrew will be true to you.

      Remember, it doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you come home to eat.

  9. El Pinche

    Seriously, for years I thought SNL was exploiting Victoria Jackson's severe mental disability and she wasn't even funny.

    1. Cicada

      I thought she was playing an air-headed bimbette as some sort of comic statement about how women are viewed in the entertainment business.

      God, how terribly wrong I was. So terribly, terribly wrong.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I was more like, blonde, dumb, huge tits; what's not to like?

        Dumb girl as straight man was a role I thought she played pretty well.

  10. Buzz Feedback

    I haven't seen a pair of denim overall shorts since the pie eating contest at the county fair.

  11. fuflans

    That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

    1. Extemporflurious

      Wow, um, making fun of reasonable reactions to a gruesome bukkake handstand that happened 4 blocks away from me is so funny that it makes me wish you had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

      Seriously, wtf?

      1. fuflans

        well i was hoping to make fun of the gruesome bukkake handstand but apparently i was not clear in my target.

        i am better when i am actually drinking.

          1. Extemporanus

            Indeed.

            I make an effort to insert it into mundane conversation at least once a week, which is why my mother now has it memorized.

          2. fuflans

            I just read the post from 2009 that was attached to the comment and it made me sad we were talking about birthers then, we were talking about birthers BEFORE THEN and we are STILL talking about fucking birthers.

            your mom sounds cool.

  12. Jukesgrrl

    She's a drop out from the Florida Bible College but she didn't drop the Bible. That tells you all you need to know about Victoria Jackson.

  13. __kth__

    This Andy Kaufman teatard performance art thing might have worked if it had occurred to her during the original TEA party, back in 1994, when her sell-by date was only a couple of years past.

    1. [redacted]hse

      It's a little unfortunate that she wasn't "tingling with importance" because Jack Kevorkian was visiting her sick-bed.

  14. Cicada

    I think it's terrible that you are making fun of the poop-leech community, Jack. They can't help being born with a taste for hot, steamy human feces.
    #BreitsTeam

  15. Callyson

    ‘Righteous IndigNation’
    Not far removed from Breitbart's greatest fear, Indigenous Nation Rights…

    1. [redacted]hse

      ‘Righteous IndigNation’
      It's really pretty trite, don't you think? It even looks idiotic when written out- somehow it's intellectually offensive, although I suspect it will appeal to the target audience, most of whom are semi-illiterate anyway.

  16. horsedreamer_1

    Did the Wonkette graphics dept. add orange spooge to the area of Breitbart's mouth, or is he really eating a Fruit Roll-up?

  17. Mumbletypeg

    So She-Grizzly Palin isn't the only person to hoist herself with her own <rhymes with petard leotard…!…> (struck through by alert administrator)

  18. fuflans

    according to IMDB, high points of victoria jackson's career include 'casual sex' and 'no more baths'.

    i think that's pretty much all you need to know.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The highlight of her career was playing Weird Al's girlfriend in UHF (actually a fun movie). I'd even forgotten that she existed until she showed up on that Celebrity Weight-Loss Show on the TV Guide channel.

  19. BornInATrailer

    Mrs. Jackson's interpretation of the Vagina Monologues is a disturbing performance.

    1. genxr

      Still better than Breitbart's Puppetry of the Penis off Broadway (in the alley behind Broadway in fact) production.

  20. Gopherit

    Yay! A post that will bring out the Breitard trolls again. Good, I am getting tired of always going over there to visit.

    And sorry, Victoria. You couldn't even win an oscar on your knees. You are indeed a bimbo…..and a stupider than average one at that.

  21. GuanoFaucet

    People admit he’s a Marxist, and Marx wrote the Communist Manifesto, so what’s the difference?

    The difference is Obama didn't admit he was a Marxist. People call other people all kinds of things that aren't true. Do you now see why the above statement is fucking stupid? No? Oh, fuck it.

    1. genxr

      "People" admit he's a Marxists, just like people admit Breitbart is a human poop leach, so what's the difference?

      1. mercianomad

        I loved that part. Not only does he use the known weasel word "people" (as in *some people say* [Who exactly? By what basis in fact?]), but he also uses the word "admit" when he means "say," as if it is something one fesses up to rather than, oh, just maybe a nutball piece of grossly stupid reasoning.

        So ya, ridiculous implications with what should be obvious English language twisting but isn't, because his audience is just dumb enough to let the words penetrate but not quite bright enough to piece together the way those words activate and corroborate their poor understanding of the world.

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      People admit that Andy is a feltching power-bottom, so I see no reason why this should not be on billboards coast to coast.

    3. JustPixelz

      Hey this is a fun game.

      People say Victoria Jackson is a blonde talentless beach ball. I lost a beach ball on Devil's Island. So VJ is the devil.

      People say Andrew Breitbart pretends he's a journalist. Victoria Jackson pretends she's a journalist. Andrew Breitbart is a blonde talentless beach ball.

  22. Gopherit

    "Just look at the delight on his face! He knows a star when he’s seen one. "

    I think he might have just seen her scrotum.

  23. DashboardBuddha

    "I puffed up with pride"

    Victoria, what you call pride, other people call cheetos and Cinnabon pastries.

    Also, from the picture…why didn't her arms snap like twigs? Bitch must be milkfed cuz her bones are rocking the calcium.

    Also also, I never thought the phrase "history will smile on you" would be a good pick-up line, but it seems to work for Mr. B. I'll have to try it.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
        And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker

  24. ThundercatHo

    What? She got a Tony (to go with Oscars 1 & 2) and then had a threesome with Andy and his wife? Who is she again? Why do all conservatard wimen have nails-on-a-chalkboard voices? Will she lend her head scarf to The Donald on windy days?

  25. onemoretime79

    "I was eating pulled pork and it came to me, ‘Righteous IndigNation’! You know, with the Right and the Nation in bold. …”

    But what she *meant* was: "I was eating pulled pork and it came on me, "Eous! Pig Noshin'" with the P and the ig in Italics".

    Thanks Jack! Funnier still, with that photo looks to me like Bart is all giggly over her wiggly…but the woman on the right hasn't eaten yet.

  26. ChessieNefercat

    "…she will change “the landscape of Hollywood.” "

    Well, sure, if she gets a plot in Forest lawn someday.

  27. weejee

    And Victoria's secret is she used to be married to a fire-eater / magician before she became notsoBreitfart's apologist and hand-standing toady. This explains her experience blowing smoke (so to speak).

  28. SayItWithWookies

    This Victoria Jackson bit has been going on for far too long, beating one tiny idea into the ground and giving nothing in return. In other words, it's a throwback to her classic SNL material.

  29. onemoretime79

    A one woman crusade to give "blonde jokes" a chance to make a come back?

    Because, I haven't head an original good one in awhile.

      1. onemoretime79

        oops. tried to enter another joke but was immediately informed it was deleted.

        thanks, blonde admin/mod. 'preciate that. bitch.

    1. Ruhe

      Yes. "A La Cama Con Porcel". The rotund comic genius stands just off camera and in typically laconic fashion remarks "Esta perra gorda no es muy gracioso."

  30. i_AM_ready

    "My house is far away in Acton…"

    I Google-mapped Acton, clicked on the street-level view, and what's the first thing I saw? An old house trailer across a dusty 2-lane road.

    I guess portraying a bimbo (actually, being a bimbo) isn't lucrative.

    But I love how she just refers to Acton like anybody would have heard of it.

  31. politics_nerd

    stupid is pretty funny, but we have sarah palin for that now. next! (is it ok to say "next!" on the wonkette?)

  32. dittoBot3000

    “That’s great!” I said, tingling with importance – I was one of the first people to know this. Then, I did a handstand and we did the standing 69. I tingled with importance all night.

  33. V572..whatever

    The good news: Dennis Miller called in "sick." The bad news: he's being replaced by Breitbart'n'Jackson.

    No one's day should begin in this fashion.

  34. Goonemeritus

    I think she is a true believer…. In what I have no fucking clue but a true believer.

    1. onemoretime79

      Faith. It's blind.

      Tide comes in, tide goes out. No one can explain it (no funding).

    1. GodShammgod

      Hollywood, SC is like 70% black. I don't think her teatard antics would be too popular there, thank goodness.

      1. PuckStopsHere

        There actually is a Hollywood, SC? I was just making it up based on the culture-lovers we saw in that video posted yesterday from Charleston or wherever it was.

  35. Warpde

    "he told me that history would look back on me and smile"
    Ah yes. But by that time you will be dead and
    therein lies the reason they will smile.

    1. JustPixelz

      "…made you…"? She must have witchy powers to cast such a spell. (Pretty sure that's where non-heterosexuals come from.)

      To counter the effects of VJ, you need an anti-VJ. May I suggest Kathy Bates.*
      _______________
      * side effects may include loss of appetite, blurred vision, your results may vary

  36. MissusBarry

    I know I'm not very pop-culture aware and the only place I've ever heard this name is in teabag references, so I figured I should edumacate myself on this future award winning handstander. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0414130/bio The magnitude of her non-standing anywhere makes me tingle with importance.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      But that's only because the communist/liberal cabal that runs Hollywood has held her back from reaching her full potential. Take a look at any of the Oscar-winning performances of recent years, and you'll see that Victoria Jackson could have handled ANY of those roles.

      For instance, I can see her as Anton Chigurh. And the haircut would be an improvement.

      1. MissusBarry

        Black Swan was written for her, but she refused to stop with the anus burgers because that would be a win for FLOTUS.

  37. fartknocker

    Congratulation Victoria – you have now progressed to the stupidest comedian status in my house. I'll let Carrot Top know his status has changed.

  38. crybabyboehner

    Wasn't there somebody else who made people ask for permission before they could say something?

  39. Gleem_McShineys

    I still want to believe that this is all some elaborate performance art schtick. Like Andy Kaufman's loony chick-wrestling. It HAS TO BE.

    Because nobody can be this stupid, and actually simultaneously remember to breathe and also not fall out of windows.

    Unless they are … Reatardgan Twoed

  40. Lost_Teabaggers

    I love the whole "I'm conservative so I'm oppressed…" meme these C and D grade actors trot out when people ask why Victoria Jackson is waiting tables at her local Fridays. After all, the evidence is there, a short history to recount: (in two parts, it's so diabolical!)

    1950's: Liberal congressman used paranoia about Fascism to launch HUAC as a pretext in order to blacklist legions of right wingers for daring to read and discuss philosophy and have ideas differing from liberal orthodox expressed on film.

    1960's: No one would hire John Wayne or Clint Eastwood and certainly no one gave any respect to Jimmy Stewart!

  41. Lost_Teabaggers

    1970's-present: Liberal elitists in thier lust to persecute conservatives wouldn't star in any movie a conservative wrote or directed. Tobey Maguire told Sam Raimi to bite ass, Matt Damon and Hillary Swank and Morgan Freeman told Clint Eastwood to eat shit for being Republican. Jamie Lee Curtis and many other liberal women wouldn't co-star in terrible Ahnie films and NO ONE from the Coppala family would give Sylvester Stallone a chance in Rocky. Also, ultra liberal Danny Glover refused to share a set with Mel Gibson and Joe Pesci and ultra liberal Martin Scorsese refused to launch Pesci's career. Also, Woody Harrelson and Jack Nicholson personally torpedoed Adam Sandler's career. And NO ONE will hire Vince Vaughn, either!

    Not only were these liberals so cruel and discriminatory, but the less successful ones launched blogs like Michael Moore's "Small Government" so they can bitch about conservatives and describe dealing with them in the future with violent imagery like shotguns and curbstomps. Yes, conservatives, I believe you, Hollywood hates and persecutes you…just look at the evidence I gave.

    1. Pithaughn

      Don't forget, the Wheel of Fortune host is a tireless conservative paradigm of righteousnesses, canarding week nights for decades.

  42. genxr

    The makers of Atlas Shrugged are kicking themselves right now for not offering her the lead role.

  43. Lost_Teabaggers

    Sorry to make two comments, I just had to illustrate the imaginary world of Hollywood persecution of conservatives, and there's quite a few more names to share, but I've taken enough space already.

    It's not that Victoria Jackson and Robert Davi and other wingnuts who whine and complain on Beerfarts "Big Racist" blog are persecuted; it's because they aren't funny or talented and cannot act. The fact is, if Hollywood was ANYTHING like these film-losers pretend it is, everything I just posted would be true and not opposite world satire. God, I fucking hate wingnuts.

  44. Guppy06

    Dear WND Letters,

    I never thought it would happen to me…

    Seriously, they need to slap an "18 or over" warning on this conservaporn.

  45. DustBowlBlues

    Victoria Jackson got married to a rightwinger ersatz Xian, quit show business to go be barefoot and pregnant like a good ersatz Xian wife, was completely forgotten and then popped up at right wing political shit years later. And blames being a conservative as the reason she can't get jobs in commie, homo Hollywood.

    Do Republicans EVER take responsibility for their own decisions?

    1. El Pinche

      I'm sure Michael Bay will call her if he needs a mentally deficient tranny pirate for the next Pirates of the Caribbean .

  46. DustBowlBlues

    Great. I still have a headache (damn you, hay fever) and since I'm only watching the most liberal teevee I can find these days (because there is no middle ground in a Republitard Koch sucking world) I will watch our very own Jim Inhofe (R-BigOil) explain how gas drilling is good for the environment. That's what the right considers an Earth Day observance.

    I'm sure he'll show up on "my" wonket. Now or later.

  47. DustBowlBlues

    BTW–Republics have so few people of any note, their one comedian is Dennis Miller. A has-been like this blonde chick is a celebrity. It's so embarrassing you want to look away.

  48. Lascauxcaveman

    I always did too, but in my SNL-viewing days, I was easily intimidated by the smart+beautiful combo. I didn't realize this at the time, but looking back at my girlfriends, there's no better explanation.

  49. imissopus

    "Tony Bel Air area" = dumpy cul-de-sac in low end of Brentwood next to the VA hospital and cemetery. Bel Air is a couple of miles to the north, above Sunset, which is like the Mason-Dixon line between the haves and has-less.

    Of course I've never even met anyone from Acton, which is some High Desert shithole way out near Palmdale, which is mostly meth factories because there isn't anything else to do, so I guess a dumpy part of Brentwood feels tony.

  50. chascates

    A little background on what Red Barry faced coming into office:
    Bush's tax cuts contributed to record budget deficits during the Bush administration, raising the US National Debt to $10.9 trillion by the time he will leave office on January 20th 2009.
    Additions to National Debt
    2001 – $144.5 billion
    2002 – $409.5 billion
    2003 – $589.0 billion
    2004 – $605.0 billion
    2005 – $523.0 billion
    2006 – $536.5 billion
    2007 – $459.5 billion
    2008 – $1017.0 billion (estimated)

  51. ttommyunger

    People with legs that big should not try to wear shorts…Football Pads, yes, shorts, no. BTW, Andrew Breitbart hearts Victoria Jackson? I guess that explains Grover Norquist.

  52. blogmomme

    Breitbart is married to Orson Bean's daughter. Bean is Old Hollywood, and was blacklisted
    for communist connections. He has called his children all "little communists". So, in effect,
    Breitbart is married to a Communist! I got this info off Wiki, but I am sticking with it as truth, until I learn otherwise.

  53. catholic4condom

    Any minute now her agent will call her up and tell her that Comedy Central is bringing back "Strip Mall"

  54. Mo_

    How I'd love to see a debate between Jack Stuef and Andrew Breitbart. He'd leave you in the dust.

    Hilarious how the Trig Palin story disappeared from this cesspool as well. What's the matter? Can't handle everyone pointing out what moral degenerates you people are, writing such filth about a baby?

    1. mookwrthwilson

      Before any debate, we all know that Andy would try to rape poor Jack like he tried with Riley. He loves em young and pink…

    2. tessiee

      So, he's a "moral degenerate" for posting the thread in the first place, and now he's a "moral degenerate" for deleting it?

      Just no pleasing some people, is there?

  55. onemoretime79

    fucking hell. y'all still pissed about my texas is burning comment or what.

    (comments disappearing into thin air. same way they came, i reckon.)

  56. donner_froh

    Acton, CA, according to its website, is the “Beverly Hills” of the Antelope Valley. Although, geographically, Acton is not a part of the Antelope Valley".

    Sounds like they have a whole town of Virginia Jacksons there.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      Acton is in the Crown Valley, and they consider themselves to be the crown jewel. (get it? Me too). Back in the early 70's, San Fernando Valley radio station KGIL mounted an assault on Acton, and I don't guess they've recovered.

  57. tessiee

    "in this economy, no one can afford to make a movie that is guaranteed to lose money."

    Except Adam Sandler, apparently.

  58. June_Cleaver2.0

    In that picture, Jackson reminds me of a character out of one of Maya Angelou's books.

  59. tessiee

    "At the Vanity Fair party, Sean Penn sidles up to me and purrs into my ear, Conservative women are so much sexier, and then Susan Sarandon says, I always knew you were smart!"

    Yeah, and then all the stuck-up popular kids who wouldn't talk to me in high school will want to be friends with me, and I'll be all like, "No way, loser!".

  60. thefrontpage

    Victoria Jackson, of course, is one of the great intellectual minds of our time. She is incredibly brilliant, intellectually gifted, and possibly one of the most intelligence, insightful and analytical minds of the 20th and 21st centuries. She is right up there with Edison, Einstein, Salk, Goddard and Gates.

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