somebody call glenn beck

Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee

The police around Tennessee’s state capitol building must have thought a cute dog walking around the grounds posed no threat to democracy. But they were wrong! Poor state Rep. Joanne Favors, a survivor of a “huge dog” that was walking around the capitol plaza, is revealing on the floor of the legislature what sounds to us like a major threat. THAT PLAZA IS THE CITIZENS’ PLAZA. IT IS NOT FOR DOGS. Is a cabal of dogs and perhaps other animals working on a coup d’etat?

Though Favors had threatened to call an attorney, she later said the warning was mostly an exaggeration. “I’m tremendously aware of the companionship of dogs, but I also know that some have mauled babies and others to death,” Favors said, who cited her fear from being attacked by a dog as a child. “My blood pressure shot up, and that was just a normal reaction to fear. If someone had approached you with a gun, you would have experienced the same thing.”

Christ. Those are all very good reasons to be afraid of dogs! Dogs have the ability to KILL HUMAN BEINGS such as A WHOLE BUILDING OF STATE LEGISLATORS and pass through metal detectors just fine because they don’t need guns. They are a tremendous threat to any free society.

On the other hand, maybe this was an isolated incident. Maybe the dog was inhabited by the ghost of Robert Byrd, who always loved hanging around legislative buildings and whose spirit animal, after all, was the dog:

[Nooga via Gawker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      …At the risk of alienating those who love both cats and dogs. A pretty tricky Venn diagram to be messing with. A smart politician will dodge the issue entirely.

    2. Gopherit

      They have to be democrats. I don't see many republican politicians courting the pussy vote.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        I dunno, seems the entire pro-life movement is about getting their hands up as many pussies as possible.

  1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    I assume we'll be supporting the dogs with predator drone strikes and a no-fly-zone, yes?

  2. V572..whatever

    "Ah don't cayer if it's dawgs, caats, chickins…" sounds so much like "I don't care if you're brown, yellow, red or green, you can't sit at the lunch counter in this store!" in Montgomery in 1957.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Chickins in McNugget form are still okay though, right? Especially the ones that are already on their way through the digestive tract?

  3. CliveWarren

    How did Byrd get a hold of the best man speech I gave at my brother's wedding?

    "From mountain to mountain, From valleynv tvo valet"

    1. Preferred Customer

      No, seriously, I regret that I have only one fist to give. It's been like 5 minutes and I'm still LOLing at this image.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          I had hoped to contrive a comment along those lines.. I think my snark engine is taking an early Easter holiday. But fist is still amp'd.

    1. angryclownspawn

      Not charging your mobility scooter before you went to the rally and then running out of power and having to actually walk around while carrying your misspelled sign? Oh no, wait, that was my in laws…

    1. Toomush_Infer

      That's only in westerns…as in: "Don't give your dog a gun, son/ Don't give your dog a gun…"

    2. BornInATrailer

      Dogs don't kill people, people…

      Wait, no, actually sometimes dogs do kill people.

  4. Pragmatist2

    She's stupid. But you know, she's stupid in a sort of Democrat-without-a-brain-but-really-means-well sort of way – like Al Sharpton or Dennis Kucinich. She's not stupid in the Tea-Party-I-don't-know-shit-but-i-have-to-come-up-with-a-rationale-for-my-hate Michelle Bachmann kind of way

    1. June_Cleaver2.0

      And cutting out fat and sugar in her diet. And probably walking really fast for about 30 minutes a day.

  5. Rosie_Scenario

    Call Mitt Romney. He knows how to handle dogs. When he's not singing "Who let the dogs out," that is.

    1. PuckStopsHere

      I couldn't agree more. That dog should have been properly lashed to the roof of a station wagon. And who did let the dogs out??? I smell conspiracy!!!

  6. V572..whatever

    My experience as a US Postal Service letter carrier years ago showed me that many if not all dogs are racists.

    1. LowProfileinGA

      Dogs are non-discriminatory; ask any UPS driver, black, white, mezzican. Wait. The trucks are brown.
      Never mind.

  7. LabRodent

    Did the Dog call her a BITCH or something. Cause its means something totally different to Dogs.

  8. Moonbatting Average

    The Tennessee Lege has been really entertaining this week, what with Christian Einstein earlier and now ZOMG DOGS

  9. CapeClod

    "If someone had approached you with a gun, you would have experienced the same thing.”

    That's not the same thing. Its far easier to get a gun than a dog in most states.

    1. DemmeFatale

      Have you ever tried to get a dog from a rescue? Some of those people are bat-shit.

  10. edgydrifter

    I did a little research on this. It turns out that most of Tennessee's violent crimes since, well, since forever have been committed by men. Now, I know that some people value them for companionship and whatnot, but… OMG Joanne–there's one right behind you!!

  11. CapeClod

    Dogs Attempting To Overthrow Government of Tennessee

    And who is to say they wouldn't do a better job?

  12. MasterDebater

    “I’m tremendously aware of the companionship of dogs."

    Ummm…this is really, really creepy.

      1. MasterDebater

        That's what she said!

        (I can't believe I just made that joke. OK time to vomit early today!)

    1. Gopherit

      The TN legislature is one of the few that occasionally makes the Arizona legislature look reasonable and measured.

    2. TanzbodenKoenig

      As a lifelong Tennessean, I'm rooting for the dogs, personally. We aren't known for our politickin'

  13. YasserArraFeck

    I dunno, wading through dogshit outside, drowning in bullshit inside – is this the State House or Noah's Ark?

  14. mavenmaven

    It was bad enough making fun of down's syndrome, but if you start on dogs, the conservatives will really go batshit on you…

      1. mavenmaven

        One of those "morans" is "following" me, so the downfisting will be soon, I fear. They called me a "keyboard commando" for wonkette because I made a comment on that Big page about Todd Palin impregnating hookers.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        As someone whose married lover has an autistic child, I should not have laughed as loud as I did at that.

        I want to drive the train.

    1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      Whose the bestest Overload ever?
      That's right, you are! You are!

  15. Warpde

    See. This is why she should have run for the House in Texas.
    Could have just pulled out her concealed weapon and shoot that mangy dog like the dog he is.
    Cat's rule!

  16. Southern_Beale

    Interestingly enough, the one and only place the TN State Legislature has banned guns is the State Capitol. And now dogs? Hmm, I'd say our state legislators are a bunch of chickenshits.

  17. SheriffRoscoe

    If you're complaining, publicly, about blood pressure issues while carrying an extra, oh say forty pounds of body weight, don't let a dog lover like me hear about your irrational fear of dogs fer fuck sake.

  18. Toomush_Infer

    She needs to see a psychiatrist – everyone knows that dogs just mostly sit around, playing poker and smoking cigars…

    1. Ruhe

      And if she's freaked out by that her therapist will reassure her that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

  19. MasterDebater

    Has anyone made a "who let the dogs out" reference yet? I'm too lazy to go through all the comments to see. If not, then, yay me.

  20. EdFlintstone

    In her defense, think of all the man on dog sex and the resulting canine santorum that will foul the plaza.

  21. KeepFnThatChicken

    I bet there is a County and City Mayor, a THP Capitol Security Team, the Metro Council, and a Metro Animal Care & Control office that are probably sitting around, wondering "Why didn't she just fucking ask?"

    I mean, I got cut off in traffic this morning, and Bradley Manning is still in the jernt, but you don't see me callin' my fuckin' legislator.

  22. Cheetah Repeater

    Regardless of one's political persuasion, I think we can all agree as a nation that thisdiscussionisprettyfuckingstupid. Am I right?

  23. Fare la Volpe

    It was actually about dog-fighting, though hell if a Republican can tell the difference between a Rottweiler and a soldier.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      No, I'm getting the This comment has been deleted by the administrator bit a lot today, too. Teh Wonkettes is glitchy today. Glitchette.

  24. Callyson

    Well, I'm sick of the dogs who seem to get elected to state legislatures. Case in point: the California Republicans…compared to them, I'll take the companionship of a canine any day…

  25. user-of-owls

    Ok, so now they've taken out the Negro and the dog. Time to put the cow on the tracks and kill for the cycle.

  26. Walkinwiddaking

    Maybe if she wasn't built like a 400 pound bag of Chuckwagon that dawg wouldn't have been sniffing around the plaza in the first place.

  27. OzoneTom

    About time that someone documented Dumb Things Liberals Say.

    EDIT: Darn, I get to page two of comments and someone already pointed that out. Too much competition for the low-hanging fruit.

  28. XOhioan

    That Byrd clip—priceless. BAR-BAR-IC. (extremely long, uncomfortable pause) BAR-BAR-ICCC!

  29. Dudleydidwrong

    Reminds of the old (and lamented!) Gary Larson Far Side cartoon: a flying saucer filled with dogs is sitting in a back yard. A dog is on the back porch talking to the residents of the house. The dog says: "Well, they've finally come for me. But before I go I want you all to roll over and play dead."

  30. Sue4466

    She's in the south. People here are fucking stupid about dogs (and several other things, but trying to stay on topic).

  31. Sue4466

    Frankly, given the state of Tennessee politics, the dogs couldn't do much worse and would likely bring much needed reforms.

    First up on the legislative docket: Be it resolved we finally answer "who's a good dog?"

  32. Mort_Sinclair

    Just goes to show ya that no matter what party you're in in Tennessee, you're likely to be a cretin.

  33. Negropolis

    I'm tired of these motherfuckin' dogs in this motherfuckin' plaza!

    If this was bad for her, she'll really hate Hotel for Dogs.

    BTW, I completely understand her fear. I was deathly afraid of dogs for years, myself. Still a little nervous around some. They say it's a black thing.

  34. AZW88

    if you give a dog a plaza, he'll want a seat in the legislature. Give a dog a seat in the legislature, he'll want a seat in the US Senate. Give a dog a seat in the US Senate……

Comments are closed.