The new senator from Florida.Rat-faced hillbilly “Pastor Terry Jones” still exists, for some reason. (Weren’t we supposed to drop him from a Predator onto a pile of rocks in Afghanistan, so that one of his stray limbs would kill a child or a nursing mother? Is this even America anymore?) So, this Terry Jones character is going around, spewing racism and ignorance on local teevee programs so the nation’s millions of semi-literate unemployed slobs can figure out which already-oppressed minority to HATE for the three-decade-long GOP/kleptocrat program to take away working people’s homes, jobs, health care and minimal financial security. And, for some reason, “Pastor Terry Jones” shot up the floor of his crappy car. Goldanged Muslims are everywhere!

There’s a lot of stupid packed into these next few sentences:

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones made a name for himself after burning a Koran to protest radical Islam. On Thursday, Jones fired bullet into the floorboard of his car. It happened in the parking lot at FOX 2 just moments after he appeared on live TV with Huel Perkins on the “Let it Rip’ show.

Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged. No one was hurt. No Charges were filed. Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way.

We don’t want to overuse the “and that’s the entire story of America in 2011” trope, but this is actually the entire story of America in 2011. [My Fox Detroit via Wonkette super-operative Monsieur Grumpe]

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  • ph7

    Mud mats sounds like Muhammad. Shoot first, let Pretty Jesus sort 'em out.

  • Bad aim.

  • Badonkadonkette

    No one was hurt.

    He's slipping. Last time he made the news for being a fuckwit, he got, what, 40 people killed?

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      That was just beginner's luck. Now he's facing the tough reality of just how hard it is to rouse rabbles professionally

    • Baloshka

      Profanity is the crutch of the ignorant.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I know exactly how this happened… The good pastor was reholstering his concealed handgun with his finger on the trigger. The real news here is that the local Fox affiliate must ban handguns/weapons on the premises.

    Why does Fox Nooze hate real Americans?

    • mereoblivion

      He reupholsters his handgun?
      Oh. Never mind.

  • Troubledog

    I gotta get one of those gray funeral director suits. Very sharp.

  • BZ1

    What is he? a kindergartner in Texas? can't any of the wingnuts keep their piece in their pockets?

    • YasserArraFeck

      can't any of the wingnuts keep their piece in their pockets?
      Ask Ensign – the answer is, apparently, "No"

    • Pragmatist2

      By which, I assume, you were referring to firearms?

  • Stupid is as stupid does. They buy gunz, the breedz, and they votez (well sometimes).

    We are screwed, seriously screwed.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Same thing happened to Jesus, except it killed the donkey.

    • it was a fuckin' muslin donkey, too.

    • user-of-owls

      But the dinosaur is ok, right?

    • Steverino247

      After he killed the donkey, he had to go to the local inn, hand the desk clerk three nails and ask to be put up for the night.

  • i believe 'accidental firearm discharge' is the wingnuts' new 'call to prayer.'

    And by prayer, i mean frothing, unintelligible hate spew.

    • "Accidental firearm discharge" is sorta the opposite problem as "erectile disfunction". Big Pharma is on the job…

      You never know when you're too ready. For those moments, there's NoCome™.
      If you have an erection lasting more than 4 minutes, stop taking NoCome.

    • SayItWithWookies

      If it was good enough for Saul of Tarsus, it's good enough for white fundamentalist America.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I thought "accidental discharge" referred to premature ejaculation, but I have a dirty mind.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    "Let it Rip" indeed. Just another day of exercising those 2nd Amendment rights. Also.

    • Second Amendment Remedies™ mobile edition.

  • Possible explanations…
    – The car was using Sharia Law, 20 MPF (miles per fatwah) your results may vary.
    – That NRA oxymoronic "gun safety" course isn't as good as they claim.
    – He was in Detroit and just felt like shooting his 1993 Camry.
    – Wanted to get an early start on his "peaceful" protest
    – The car was of the devil.

    • great points. i also believe Hertz screwed up and gave him the new Dodge Fatwah.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        "Ford Fatwa" sounds better, since Dearborn is the home of both Ford Motor Co and the New American Caliphate.

        • Fukui_sanYesOta

          Whereas the Chevy Sharia is manufactured in Mexico entirely from black tar heroin.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            That explains the higher resale value.

          • Negropolis

            I like the Chevy Shwarma, myself. The Chyrsler Caliphate ain't a bad car, either.

  • OneYieldRegular

    To use some literary parlance, the only way this brilliant short story could improve on its masterful assembly of "unities" is if Jones' car turns out to be a Dodge Avenger – or a Ford Pinto.

  • jonzin

    They aren't hillbillies in Florida. They are called sandbillies!

    • [redacted]hse

      A bit more global warming and they'll be called snorkelers.

  • Chillwaver

    I feel so much safer now that I know this nutjob has a gun.

    • Gopherit

      He has a conceal carry permit. That means he had to take a test to prove his competency. Thousands of people have these in Florida. In some states like AZ and Alaska, you don't even need to go that far…….just buy the gun and go. See if that lets you sleep…..ever again.

      • Chillwaver

        Nah, I live in Texas – people have wet dreams about someday being able to "Bruce Willis" their way out of a situation.

        • Gopherit

          It works for Walker: Texas Ranger all the time. Also, congrats on being in the one state that has a higher gun to person ratio than AZ.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Dumbass can't even shoot himself in the foot properly.

  • nounverb911

    "Shoots His Own Car For Some Reason"
    Hopefully the car will get even by running off the road.

  • pukebot

    he was just making a hillbilly glory hole.

    • prommie

      A "hillbilly glory hole" is the opening located at the back end of a pig.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Car must have been brown.

  • memzilla

    Funny how a Muslim hater drives a car fueled by compressed dinosaurs that were once citizens of present-day Saudi Arabia.

    I'm surprised his response to shooting his own car wasn't "I meant to do that!"

    • tessiee

      "I'm surprised his response to shooting his own car wasn't "I meant to do that!" "

      The Reverend Pee-Wee Jones?

    • reshas1

      You do know the US's biggest supplier is Canada, right? Oh, doesn't fit the war for oil meme…

  • Rosie_Scenario

    … just as it began.

  • Barb

    The story would be sweeter if the bullet ricocheted and was imbedded in the Koran he was clutching, ready for the burn pile, and his life was saved. Nah, I would have settled for the bullet hitting him in his nut sack.

    • tessiee

      I would have settled for the bullet hitting him anywhere.

      [One good thing about being in a Depression is that you learn how to lower your expectations.]

  • metamarcisf

    Richard Pryor lives!

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Look, he was just trying to open his beer when the truckstop hooker accidentally knocked the loaded gun off a stack of titty mags and ephedrine-based diet pills. It could have happened to anyone.

  • politics_nerd

    Missed it by THAT much (Worldwide Islamic Conspiracy hiding under his rug)

  • OkieDokieDog

    Jebus is so disappointed in the Pastor because did not kill an innocent brown, black, or woman bystander while masturbating his pistol. Pastor Terry must now redeem himself by burning moar Korans and Dixie Chick albums.

  • Goonemeritus

    Is it to much to hope that he nicked a brake line.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    FOX 2: Your best source for news about what's happening at FOX 2

    • DashboardBuddha

      I smell a Pulitzer!

      • You could have stopped two syllables earlier.

        • DashboardBuddha

          Good point. He did just let it rip, after all.

  • GuanoFaucet

    The floor mat must have been muslin.

    • Preferred Customer

      He mistook it for a prayer rug.

  • nounverb911

    Depends on where the car was made.

  • DashboardBuddha

    "Let it rip"

    Isn't that what one does when having a burping/farting contest?

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, he does look like Yosemite Sam, so what do you expect?

  • arcane_allusion

    Now that's a fatwa we can all get behind

  • Callyson

    Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged.
    That's what the gun *wants* everyone to think…

    • [redacted]hse

      Did you see the skimpy clothes that gun was wearing? Asking for it, really.

  • Mort_Sinclair

    Actually, he thought he was massaging his iron-hard "gun" when, sadly, in fact, it was the OTHER gun.

  • nounverb911

    "Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way."
    When does the "Gunfight at the OK Corral" start?

  • prommie

    Whats he doing in Michigan? Did he go there on purpose just to taunt the muslims? That he hasn't made himself a martyr yet just proves the muslims are not dangerous or violent.

    • He came here because Dearborn and the surrounding area has one of the largest Muslim populations in the US.

  • Pragmatist2

    One hopes so.

  • YasserArraFeck

    In his defense, it was a Plymouth Koranado

  • ph7

    I want to be Bob Dylan
    Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more fundamentalist

  • JimmyCarlBlack

    I liked Terry Jones better as Mr. Creosote, but this is still pretty funny.

  • PalinPussyPower

    Cue the tranny hooker and meth in 3….2…..1……

  • prommie

    Next he's gonna accidentally carve "Allah" in his forehead, in mirror-writing.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or just a large capital A, which he will manage to get backwards, somehow.


    He got a free Hyundai Accent in October, after promising not to burn the Koran.
    Now, after burning the book, he may have to return the vehicle, and pay for the gloryhole…

    • Gopherit

      Gloryhole? let's see…….40 caliber. That's probably about the right diameter for the good Reverend.

    • CapnFatback

      An Accent? What's a guy got to threaten to burn around here to get his butt in the luxurious seat of a Santa Fe?

  • Lame. Shooting holes in your car isn't news in Detroit (Southfield borders Detroit, Channel 2 is quite close to Detroit) Shooting up someone else's car is also below the radar unless you kill someone and even then it will be ignored if it is just another citizen returning fire at a drive-by.

    News is when a bullet hits a white person.

    • Gopherit

      In Arizona, we usually wait until they don't run anymore and are up on blocks outside our trailers before we start shooting our cars. To each their own.

    • Negropolis

      A white Canadian woman was robbed in Detroit the other night, and it was like frontpage news in the Windsor Star.

  • owhatever

    Now he can cut the front bumper off the car and have it mounted as a trophy to be hung in his pastoral study. Getting in a gunfight with yourself is kinda loopy, dude..

  • You know, I threaten my car everyday if it doesn't start but never like this…

  • cheetojeebus

    Next time he should try to think about something sad like lost puppies or something, it'll last longer.

  • Sue4466

    This was not meant to be a factual shooting.

  • fartknocker

    As sad and maddening this story is, I must say Happy Easter fellow wonketters. I'm going to paint some easter eggs using the really cool blingeee as the motif. Thanks Ken – my nephews will love it.

  • FannyBurney

    Was the car on "Dancing with the Stars"?

  • Oblios_Cap

    the “Let it Rip’ show?

    Is that a Bunch O' Rednecks standing around seeing who can produce the nastiest farts?

  • keepem_sikanpor

    Crazy bastard pastor aside, why is Bieber missing from this awesome blingee?

  • jus_wonderin

    I honestly believe it is bad karma to piss off your car. They do have souls. And, their retribution is…inconvenient.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Yeah, why can't this have a happy ending, like that guy in Waco?

  • blinky_twinkie

    So, did he actually come up with the $100K permit?

  • prommie

    Its "cracker."

  • [redacted]hse

    Well the sword-swallower he comes up to you and then he kneels
    He crosses himself and then he clicks his high heels
    and without further notice he asks you how it feels
    and he says 'Here is your throat back, thanks for the loan'
    And you know something is happening but you don't know what it is
    do you, Mr. Jones?

  • hagajim

    He owns a Nissan Murano and he thought it said Turbano.

  • I guess the the media missed his "fair trial" of the floorboards before he executed them?

    Or maybe the show he was on was actually called "Let It R.I.P." ?

  • Toomush_Infer

    He has a lot to thank God for – breathing, this tidbit: ("the police gave him his gun back and sent him on his way.") – just think if God had made his skin darker….Jayzuss…

  • AlNewMan

    Always wondered what Yosimite Sam looked like without his hat and chaps

  • fuflans

    i never really thought of it before, but of course this tool has a gun and carries it.

    i feel so much better now.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    Wait 'til he finds out about the new 2012 Kia Shariah.

    • Negropolis


      Those swarthy Koreans. They can't be trusted.

  • Beowoof

    This comment has been deleted by the administrator.

    Curses no references to the spawn of the north.

  • AznMom420

    Does this make Pastor Terry the Barney Fife of southern evangelists? Where is Pastor Andy to confiscate his bullets when you need him.

  • Beowoof

    Is it the reference to shooting off like never before that keeps getting my comments deleted.

  • Beowoof

    Okay lets try this one, he ejaculated as never before.

  • XOhioan

    God help any Shriners who drive their tiny cars past this nutcase.

  • Everyone knows GM stands for General Muslim.

  • DemmeFatale

    Can I just say that Huel seems to have a lot of "fans?"

  • ttommyunger

    Not to be outdone by a Darky (Richard Pryor) the Good Pastor claimed he actually intended to shoot his car. Seems the automobile went both ways and that, of course, is against the Good Book. In reality, this dickweed has no control over his mouth, his mustache or his handgun.

  • valgal2342

    What kind of lazy ass reporting is this? What kind of car does Pastor Terry Jones have? How much you wanna bet it weren't no "Merikan" car? Unless of course, maybe a Gremlin or perhaps a rusty Pinto. Car aficionados want to know. Will Click and Clack reveal the secret on Car Talk this weekend?

    • tessiee

      "Will Click and Clack reveal the secret on Car Talk this weekend?"

      Since their show is on NPR, there's a certain irony in that.

  • valgal2342

    That sir, is well put.

  • Negropolis

    This happened in Southfield, a majority-black suburb of Detroit. If this would have been one of the locals, they'd have brutalized him and then charged him resisting arrest and discharging a firearm within city limits, which I don't think it allowed in any Michigan city.

    It's funny, because this fucker was blabbing about how he was coming in peace and wouldn't pose a danger to the community, and the stupid fuck ends up nearly shooting himself. There really is no God; if there was, that bullet would have severed his fucking femeral artery and he'd have bleed out in that rustbucket.

  • Negropolis

    Update: Terry Jones was jailed for refusing to pay a $1 "peace bond." He was bound out, and he can't go anywhere the mosque for three years. I just have to say that I don't have any sympathy for him, and the local branch of ACLU can bitch and moan all they want. The whole point was for the city to fuck with him like he tried to fuck with Dearborn. Stay out of Dearborn, Terry.

  • widget2011

    Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged. No one was hurt. No Charges were filed. Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way.

    This is just wrong on so many levels

    1. Why does the "preacher" need to carry a gun. One would think that sky god & son would have his back.
    2.If that was the average person, you know goddamned well the cops would at least confiscate your gun. and likely recommend you for a psychiatric evualuation, provided they didn't arrest you on the spot.
    3. So the bottom line is, this paranoid moron has to hurt someone (personally) before we take his gun away, we can only hope that that "someone" is himself.

    • HistoriCat

      Well it's not like he was black or brown …

  • tessiee

    "Believe in me
    Help me believe in anything
    I want to be someone who believes
    Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales"

  • reshas1

    Bet he is a Democrat like the Westboro pastor is..

  • Baloshka

    Profanity is the crutch of the ignorant

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