VISIONS OF AMERICA  12:19 pm April 22, 2011

Muslim-Hating Wingnut (Not Palin) Shoots His Own Car For Some Reason

by Ken Layne

The new senator from Florida.Rat-faced hillbilly “Pastor Terry Jones” still exists, for some reason. (Weren’t we supposed to drop him from a Predator onto a pile of rocks in Afghanistan, so that one of his stray limbs would kill a child or a nursing mother? Is this even America anymore?) So, this Terry Jones character is going around, spewing racism and ignorance on local teevee programs so the nation’s millions of semi-literate unemployed slobs can figure out which already-oppressed minority to HATE for the three-decade-long GOP/kleptocrat program to take away working people’s homes, jobs, health care and minimal financial security. And, for some reason, “Pastor Terry Jones” shot up the floor of his crappy car. Goldanged Muslims are everywhere!

There’s a lot of stupid packed into these next few sentences:

Controversial Pastor Terry Jones made a name for himself after burning a Koran to protest radical Islam. On Thursday, Jones fired bullet into the floorboard of his car. It happened in the parking lot at FOX 2 just moments after he appeared on live TV with Huel Perkins on the “Let it Rip’ show.

Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged. No one was hurt. No Charges were filed. Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way.

We don’t want to overuse the “and that’s the entire story of America in 2011″ trope, but this is actually the entire story of America in 2011. [My Fox Detroit via Wonkette super-operative Monsieur Grumpe]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 120 comments }

ph7 April 22, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Mud mats sounds like Muhammad. Shoot first, let Pretty Jesus sort 'em out.

Fred_Wertham_Jr April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Bad aim.

Badonkadonkette April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

No one was hurt.

He's slipping. Last time he made the news for being a fuckwit, he got, what, 40 people killed?

TanzbodenKoenig April 22, 2011 at 12:39 pm

That was just beginner's luck. Now he's facing the tough reality of just how hard it is to rouse rabbles professionally

Baloshka April 24, 2011 at 8:24 pm

Profanity is the crutch of the ignorant.

GunToting[Redacted] April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I know exactly how this happened… The good pastor was reholstering his concealed handgun with his finger on the trigger. The real news here is that the local Fox affiliate must ban handguns/weapons on the premises.

Why does Fox Nooze hate real Americans?

mereoblivion April 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

He reupholsters his handgun?
Oh. Never mind.

Troubledog April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I gotta get one of those gray funeral director suits. Very sharp.

BZ1 April 22, 2011 at 12:24 pm

What is he? a kindergartner in Texas? can't any of the wingnuts keep their piece in their pockets?

YasserArraFeck April 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

can't any of the wingnuts keep their piece in their pockets?
Ask Ensign – the answer is, apparently, "No"

Pragmatist2 April 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

By which, I assume, you were referring to firearms?

weejee April 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Stupid is as stupid does. They buy gunz, the breedz, and they votez (well sometimes).

We are screwed, seriously screwed.

SheriffRoscoe April 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Same thing happened to Jesus, except it killed the donkey.

Ken Layne April 22, 2011 at 1:00 pm

it was a fuckin' muslin donkey, too.

user-of-owls April 22, 2011 at 1:32 pm

But the dinosaur is ok, right?

Steverino247 April 22, 2011 at 2:35 pm

After he killed the donkey, he had to go to the local inn, hand the desk clerk three nails and ask to be put up for the night.

Gratuitous World April 22, 2011 at 12:25 pm

i believe 'accidental firearm discharge' is the wingnuts' new 'call to prayer.'

And by prayer, i mean frothing, unintelligible hate spew.

JustPixelz April 22, 2011 at 12:35 pm

"Accidental firearm discharge" is sorta the opposite problem as "erectile disfunction". Big Pharma is on the job…

You never know when you're too ready. For those moments, there's NoCome™.
______________
If you have an erection lasting more than 4 minutes, stop taking NoCome.

SayItWithWookies April 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

If it was good enough for Saul of Tarsus, it's good enough for white fundamentalist America.

Swampgas_Man April 22, 2011 at 1:33 pm

I thought "accidental discharge" referred to premature ejaculation, but I have a dirty mind.

Rosie_Scenario April 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

"Let it Rip" indeed. Just another day of exercising those 2nd Amendment rights. Also.

JustPixelz April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Second Amendment Remedies™ mobile edition.

JustPixelz April 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Possible explanations…
- The car was using Sharia Law, 20 MPF (miles per fatwah) your results may vary.
- That NRA oxymoronic "gun safety" course isn't as good as they claim.
- He was in Detroit and just felt like shooting his 1993 Camry.
- Wanted to get an early start on his "peaceful" protest
- The car was of the devil.

Gratuitous World April 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

great points. i also believe Hertz screwed up and gave him the new Dodge Fatwah.

Lascauxcaveman April 22, 2011 at 1:14 pm

"Ford Fatwa" sounds better, since Dearborn is the home of both Ford Motor Co and the New American Caliphate.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 22, 2011 at 4:03 pm

Whereas the Chevy Sharia is manufactured in Mexico entirely from black tar heroin.

Lascauxcaveman April 22, 2011 at 7:03 pm

That explains the higher resale value.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:48 am

I like the Chevy Shwarma, myself. The Chyrsler Caliphate ain't a bad car, either.

OneYieldRegular April 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

To use some literary parlance, the only way this brilliant short story could improve on its masterful assembly of "unities" is if Jones' car turns out to be a Dodge Avenger – or a Ford Pinto.

jonzin April 22, 2011 at 12:26 pm

They aren't hillbillies in Florida. They are called sandbillies!

[redacted]hse April 22, 2011 at 2:02 pm

A bit more global warming and they'll be called snorkelers.

Chillwaver April 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

I feel so much safer now that I know this nutjob has a gun.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 1:03 pm

He has a conceal carry permit. That means he had to take a test to prove his competency. Thousands of people have these in Florida. In some states like AZ and Alaska, you don't even need to go that far…….just buy the gun and go. See if that lets you sleep…..ever again.

Chillwaver April 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Nah, I live in Texas – people have wet dreams about someday being able to "Bruce Willis" their way out of a situation.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 1:29 pm

It works for Walker: Texas Ranger all the time. Also, congrats on being in the one state that has a higher gun to person ratio than AZ.

SayItWithWookies April 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Dumbass can't even shoot himself in the foot properly.

nounverb911 April 22, 2011 at 12:27 pm

"Shoots His Own Car For Some Reason"
Hopefully the car will get even by running off the road.

pukebot April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

he was just making a hillbilly glory hole.

prommie April 22, 2011 at 1:49 pm

A "hillbilly glory hole" is the opening located at the back end of a pig.

Texan_Bulldog April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Car must have been brown.

memzilla April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Funny how a Muslim hater drives a car fueled by compressed dinosaurs that were once citizens of present-day Saudi Arabia.

I'm surprised his response to shooting his own car wasn't "I meant to do that!"

tessiee April 23, 2011 at 1:17 pm

"I'm surprised his response to shooting his own car wasn't "I meant to do that!" "

The Reverend Pee-Wee Jones?

reshas1 April 24, 2011 at 12:09 am

You do know the US's biggest supplier is Canada, right? Oh, doesn't fit the war for oil meme…

Rosie_Scenario April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

… just as it began.

Barb April 22, 2011 at 12:28 pm

The story would be sweeter if the bullet ricocheted and was imbedded in the Koran he was clutching, ready for the burn pile, and his life was saved. Nah, I would have settled for the bullet hitting him in his nut sack.

tessiee April 23, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I would have settled for the bullet hitting him anywhere.

[One good thing about being in a Depression is that you learn how to lower your expectations.]

metamarcisf April 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Richard Pryor lives!

tessiee April 23, 2011 at 1:20 pm

I think that was James Brown:
http://books.google.com/books?id=pK4DAAAAMBAJ&amp

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 22, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Look, he was just trying to open his beer when the truckstop hooker accidentally knocked the loaded gun off a stack of titty mags and ephedrine-based diet pills. It could have happened to anyone.

politics_nerd April 22, 2011 at 12:30 pm

Missed it by THAT much (Worldwide Islamic Conspiracy hiding under his rug)

OkieDokieDog April 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Jebus is so disappointed in the Pastor because did not kill an innocent brown, black, or woman bystander while masturbating his pistol. Pastor Terry must now redeem himself by burning moar Korans and Dixie Chick albums.

Goonemeritus April 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Is it to much to hope that he nicked a brake line.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

FOX 2: Your best source for news about what's happening at FOX 2

DashboardBuddha April 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I smell a Pulitzer!

FlownOver April 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

You could have stopped two syllables earlier.

DashboardBuddha April 22, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Good point. He did just let it rip, after all.

GuanoFaucet April 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

The floor mat must have been muslin.

Preferred Customer April 22, 2011 at 12:48 pm

He mistook it for a prayer rug.

nounverb911 April 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Depends on where the car was made.

DashboardBuddha April 22, 2011 at 12:34 pm

"Let it rip"

Isn't that what one does when having a burping/farting contest?

Lucidamente1 April 22, 2011 at 12:34 pm

Well, he does look like Yosemite Sam, so what do you expect?

arcane_allusion April 22, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Now that's a fatwa we can all get behind

Callyson April 22, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged.
That's what the gun *wants* everyone to think…

[redacted]hse April 22, 2011 at 2:11 pm

Did you see the skimpy clothes that gun was wearing? Asking for it, really.

Mort_Sinclair April 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Actually, he thought he was massaging his iron-hard "gun" when, sadly, in fact, it was the OTHER gun.

nounverb911 April 22, 2011 at 12:43 pm

"Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way."
When does the "Gunfight at the OK Corral" start?

prommie April 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Whats he doing in Michigan? Did he go there on purpose just to taunt the muslims? That he hasn't made himself a martyr yet just proves the muslims are not dangerous or violent.

ChurchofRealism April 22, 2011 at 12:50 pm

He came here because Dearborn and the surrounding area has one of the largest Muslim populations in the US.

Pragmatist2 April 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

One hopes so.

YasserArraFeck April 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm

In his defense, it was a Plymouth Koranado

ph7 April 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I want to be Bob Dylan
Mr. Jones wishes he was someone just a little more fundamentalist

JimmyCarlBlack April 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm

I liked Terry Jones better as Mr. Creosote, but this is still pretty funny.

PalinPussyPower April 22, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Cue the tranny hooker and meth in 3….2…..1……

prommie April 22, 2011 at 12:51 pm

Next he's gonna accidentally carve "Allah" in his forehead, in mirror-writing.

Lascauxcaveman April 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm

Or just a large capital A, which he will manage to get backwards, somehow.

BTWBFDIMHO April 22, 2011 at 12:52 pm

He got a free Hyundai Accent in October, after promising not to burn the Koran. http://173.201.187.68/state/florida-pastor-terry-
Now, after burning the book, he may have to return the vehicle, and pay for the gloryhole…

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Gloryhole? let's see…….40 caliber. That's probably about the right diameter for the good Reverend.

CapnFatback April 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm

An Accent? What's a guy got to threaten to burn around here to get his butt in the luxurious seat of a Santa Fe?

donner_froh April 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Lame. Shooting holes in your car isn't news in Detroit (Southfield borders Detroit, Channel 2 is quite close to Detroit) Shooting up someone else's car is also below the radar unless you kill someone and even then it will be ignored if it is just another citizen returning fire at a drive-by.

News is when a bullet hits a white person.

Gopherit April 22, 2011 at 12:58 pm

In Arizona, we usually wait until they don't run anymore and are up on blocks outside our trailers before we start shooting our cars. To each their own.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:55 am

A white Canadian woman was robbed in Detroit the other night, and it was like frontpage news in the Windsor Star.

owhatever April 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

Now he can cut the front bumper off the car and have it mounted as a trophy to be hung in his pastoral study. Getting in a gunfight with yourself is kinda loopy, dude..

simplyblue7 April 22, 2011 at 1:12 pm

You know, I threaten my car everyday if it doesn't start but never like this…

cheetojeebus April 22, 2011 at 1:17 pm

Next time he should try to think about something sad like lost puppies or something, it'll last longer.

Sue4466 April 22, 2011 at 1:18 pm

This was not meant to be a factual shooting.

fartknocker April 22, 2011 at 1:20 pm

As sad and maddening this story is, I must say Happy Easter fellow wonketters. I'm going to paint some easter eggs using the really cool blingeee as the motif. Thanks Ken – my nephews will love it.

FannyBurney April 22, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Was the car on "Dancing with the Stars"?

Oblios_Cap April 22, 2011 at 1:23 pm

the “Let it Rip’ show?

Is that a Bunch O' Rednecks standing around seeing who can produce the nastiest farts?

Gleem_McShineys April 22, 2011 at 2:17 pm

All part of Shart Week on Discovery.

keepem_sikanpor April 22, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Crazy bastard pastor aside, why is Bieber missing from this awesome blingee?

jus_wonderin April 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I honestly believe it is bad karma to piss off your car. They do have souls. And, their retribution is…inconvenient.

Swampgas_Man April 22, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Yeah, why can't this have a happy ending, like that guy in Waco?

blinky_twinkie April 22, 2011 at 1:42 pm

So, did he actually come up with the $100K permit?

prommie April 22, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Its "cracker."

[redacted]hse April 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Well the sword-swallower he comes up to you and then he kneels
He crosses himself and then he clicks his high heels
and without further notice he asks you how it feels
and he says 'Here is your throat back, thanks for the loan'
And you know something is happening but you don't know what it is
do you, Mr. Jones?
-Dylan

hagajim April 22, 2011 at 2:15 pm

He owns a Nissan Murano and he thought it said Turbano.

Gleem_McShineys April 22, 2011 at 2:23 pm

I guess the the media missed his "fair trial" of the floorboards before he executed them?

Or maybe the show he was on was actually called "Let It R.I.P." ?

Toomush_Infer April 22, 2011 at 2:24 pm

He has a lot to thank God for – breathing, this tidbit: ("the police gave him his gun back and sent him on his way.") – just think if God had made his skin darker….Jayzuss…

AlNewMan April 22, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Always wondered what Yosimite Sam looked like without his hat and chaps

fuflans April 22, 2011 at 2:28 pm

i never really thought of it before, but of course this tool has a gun and carries it.

i feel so much better now.

CountryClubJihadi April 22, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Wait 'til he finds out about the new 2012 Kia Shariah.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:56 am

WIN.

Those swarthy Koreans. They can't be trusted.

Beowoof April 22, 2011 at 3:06 pm

This comment has been deleted by the administrator.

Curses no references to the spawn of the north.

AznMom420 April 22, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Does this make Pastor Terry the Barney Fife of southern evangelists? Where is Pastor Andy to confiscate his bullets when you need him.

Beowoof April 22, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Is it the reference to shooting off like never before that keeps getting my comments deleted.

Beowoof April 22, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Okay lets try this one, he ejaculated as never before.

XOhioan April 22, 2011 at 4:10 pm

God help any Shriners who drive their tiny cars past this nutcase.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 22, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Everyone knows GM stands for General Muslim.

DemmeFatale April 22, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Can I just say that Huel seems to have a lot of "fans?"

ttommyunger April 22, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Not to be outdone by a Darky (Richard Pryor) the Good Pastor claimed he actually intended to shoot his car. Seems the automobile went both ways and that, of course, is against the Good Book. In reality, this dickweed has no control over his mouth, his mustache or his handgun.

valgal2342 April 22, 2011 at 10:08 pm

What kind of lazy ass reporting is this? What kind of car does Pastor Terry Jones have? How much you wanna bet it weren't no "Merikan" car? Unless of course, maybe a Gremlin or perhaps a rusty Pinto. Car aficionados want to know. Will Click and Clack reveal the secret on Car Talk this weekend?

tessiee April 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

"Will Click and Clack reveal the secret on Car Talk this weekend?"

Since their show is on NPR, there's a certain irony in that.

valgal2342 April 22, 2011 at 10:14 pm

That sir, is well put.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:46 am

This happened in Southfield, a majority-black suburb of Detroit. If this would have been one of the locals, they'd have brutalized him and then charged him resisting arrest and discharging a firearm within city limits, which I don't think it allowed in any Michigan city.

It's funny, because this fucker was blabbing about how he was coming in peace and wouldn't pose a danger to the community, and the stupid fuck ends up nearly shooting himself. There really is no God; if there was, that bullet would have severed his fucking femeral artery and he'd have bleed out in that rustbucket.

Negropolis April 23, 2011 at 2:51 am

Update: Terry Jones was jailed for refusing to pay a $1 "peace bond." He was bound out, and he can't go anywhere the mosque for three years. I just have to say that I don't have any sympathy for him, and the local branch of ACLU can bitch and moan all they want. The whole point was for the city to fuck with him like he tried to fuck with Dearborn. Stay out of Dearborn, Terry.

widget2011 April 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Southfield Police say the gun accidentally discharged. No one was hurt. No Charges were filed. Police gave the gun back to Jones and sent him on his way.

This is just wrong on so many levels

1. Why does the "preacher" need to carry a gun. One would think that sky god & son would have his back.
2.If that was the average person, you know goddamned well the cops would at least confiscate your gun. and likely recommend you for a psychiatric evualuation, provided they didn't arrest you on the spot.
3. So the bottom line is, this paranoid moron has to hurt someone (personally) before we take his gun away, we can only hope that that "someone" is himself.

HistoriCat April 23, 2011 at 8:31 pm

Well it's not like he was black or brown …

tessiee April 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

"Believe in me
Help me believe in anything
I want to be someone who believes
Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales"

reshas1 April 24, 2011 at 12:02 am

Bet he is a Democrat like the Westboro pastor is..

Baloshka April 24, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Profanity is the crutch of the ignorant

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