Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software

  ms. dos

The machines can never do better than this work of art.According to former U.S. Senate candidate-witch Christine O’Donnell, her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. Computers, you see, are dumb, and Christine O’Donnell is smart. Does this explain how the computer decided to rent out a townhouse for her on the campaign’s dime? No. And even if the computer did rent out the place, did she just go, “Oh, you’re paying rent for me on a townhouse, computer? That’s so nice of you! If you have certain manly needs, computer, let me know. That means I will have sex with you, if you can’t understand innuendo.” What kind of finance software just “automatically” buys you homes and groceries anyway? Was she using The Sims? THAT’S NOT BOOKKEEPING SOFTWARE.

A typical day at the O’Donnell campaign:

STAFFER: We need to buy more campaign signs.
O’DONNELL: Okay, I’ll put it into the software… Huh, it looks like one of the kids peed himself.
STAFFER: I’m sorry?
O’DONNELL: The software shows one of the kids peed himself. Oh, I forgot that I set my husband on fire yesterday.
STAFFER: What? Are you playing The Sims?
O’DONNELL: No, this is finance software. Hmm, there must be a glitch. Give me the campaign checkbook. I’ll write out a check to my landlord. The money should make its way to the sign company that way, right?
STAFFER: Christine, I don’t think—
O’DONNELL: I’m you.

Lay off, feds. It’s an obvious software error. There’s nothing wrong with the user. (She’s not a witch at all, if that’s what you’re wondering!) [Wilmington News Journal]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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