ms. dos

Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software

The machines can never do better than this work of art.According to former U.S. Senate candidate-witch Christine O’Donnell, her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. Computers, you see, are dumb, and Christine O’Donnell is smart. Does this explain how the computer decided to rent out a townhouse for her on the campaign’s dime? No. And even if the computer did rent out the place, did she just go, “Oh, you’re paying rent for me on a townhouse, computer? That’s so nice of you! If you have certain manly needs, computer, let me know. That means I will have sex with you, if you can’t understand innuendo.” What kind of finance software just “automatically” buys you homes and groceries anyway? Was she using The Sims? THAT’S NOT BOOKKEEPING SOFTWARE.

A typical day at the O’Donnell campaign:

STAFFER: We need to buy more campaign signs.
O’DONNELL: Okay, I’ll put it into the software… Huh, it looks like one of the kids peed himself.
STAFFER: I’m sorry?
O’DONNELL: The software shows one of the kids peed himself. Oh, I forgot that I set my husband on fire yesterday.
STAFFER: What? Are you playing The Sims?
O’DONNELL: No, this is finance software. Hmm, there must be a glitch. Give me the campaign checkbook. I’ll write out a check to my landlord. The money should make its way to the sign company that way, right?
STAFFER: Christine, I don’t think—
O’DONNELL: I’m you.

Lay off, feds. It’s an obvious software error. There’s nothing wrong with the user. (She’s not a witch at all, if that’s what you’re wondering!) [Wilmington News Journal]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Well, she doesn't seem to have noticed that she's a ridiculous caricature of a human being yet, so I guess it isn't so far fetched that a comparatively minor thing like not paying money for stuff might slip her mind.

      1. Barb

        Unless you are making payments on a Bentley, rent/mortgage should be your first payment out and the largest. How the hell could she NOT know that she wasn't paying her own rent. She hasn't held a job in ages!!!!

        1. weejee

          The maths are just so hard. Easier to put on a lady bug costume, giggle, and then the next thing you know you are a candidate for the US Senate.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            Why not? My new state rep qualified by having his pull-ups age spawn squeal on the radio at people to vote for their not-too-bright daddy.

          2. HogeyeGrex

            I don't know. You look like one of those Mexican bees. We're going to need to see your long form B-irth certificate.

          3. tessiee

            "I dressed up as a bee once."

            You and the Antonio Banderas bee on the commercial should hook up!

    1. widestanceroman

      A blind two-legged cat with no sense of smell could do a better job of covering shit up.

    2. GOPCrusher

      If she was trying to cover something up, that would imply that she knows the difference between right and wrong.
      I don't think she believes she's done anything wrong. She probably believes that if people give her money to run for office, that means she can use it for anything she wants.

    1. JustPixelz

      It ain't a "University" no more. Trump said he didn't know that naming has, like, standards. Then he said he they met the standard. You know, the one he didn't know about.

      1. riverside68

        huge HUGE standards, solid gold ones that I sit on.

        (We are talking plumbing here, right?)

    1. SmutBoffin

      "How can my campaign be broke? I got all of the coins on level 3 of Super Mario Brothers!"

  1. metamarcisf

    Today's best headline (Politico):

    Krauthammer: Trump Is Running

    Or do I have that backwards?

  2. Lascauxcaveman

    I always tell my kids (since we don't have a dog), the most important words they need to remember for school are: "MS Office ate my homework."

  3. Callyson

    “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used
    Would the designer of this software be a CompSci major from Glenn Beck University? If so, I *might* believe this crackpot story…

  4. Gopherit

    I can totally see how money that should be in a designated campaign account "accidentally" found its way into her personal account. Bad computer!! Bad!!!

    "I can't be out of money! I still have checks!"

  5. SmutBoffin

    Just checking in to see if C. O'D. is still a stupid liar.


    When will she announce for president?

    1. Gopherit

      More like syphilis. Nothing rots a brain faster……and when it starts off with a brain as weak as Christine's……well.

  6. Mahousu

    Poor Christine. After her campaign stopped inadvertently paying her rent, her PAC inadvertently took over. Unfortunately, her PAC's lease inadvertently expired March 31, which apparently has inadvertently left her homeless. Inadvertently, though, it makes it much harder to serve her with legal papers, so this may inadvertently prove to be an advantage in the long run.

    1. Gopherit

      You mean you can set up more than one account on quicken? What will they come up with next?

  7. Buckminster

    And for her next act, she'll magically transform into a bat.

    Oh, wait. She already has. An insane old bat.

  8. widestanceroman

    OT, and I'd like to be mature about this, but on the other hand:


    Thanks, all you evil commenters, I couldn't have done it without you.

    1. HistoriCat

      Congratulations. Just remember, the first 100 is the easy part – it gets harder from here. And no, you don't get half priced drinks for having 100 p. Total ripoff.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    So someone was expecting a woman who claims to have had two virginities over the course of her lifetime to be good with numbers? That was probably a mistake.

    1. tessiee

      It seems to me that a woman with more than one virginity had *better* be good at math, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  10. lulzmonger

    She IS a witch!
    She's channeling Kathy Nickolaus like a real little (Storm)trooper!


  11. Chillwaver

    Give her a break, people; she is an expert in "personal accountability," not "personal accounting."

  12. Texan_Bulldog

    Apparently it wasn't her rent payment but her waxing bill. It was just hard to hide that large amount under "Miscellaneous".

    1. Mahousu

      Hair libel! By all accounts (well, just the one), she is not spending money in that department.

  13. DashboardBuddha

    As an aside…having accounting software work like Half-Life would be pretty cool.

  14. prommie

    For years her rent was paid by a mysterious Philadelphia lawyer under some arrangement I am sure was completely abvove-board and for which there was no quid-pro-quo expected. When it comes to the rent, apparently she has always depended on the kindness of strangers.

    1. tessiee

      No shit.
      I have an invisible maid who comes over twice a week, messes up my house, and eats all the food in my refigerator.
      I'd fire the bitch if I could find her.

  15. WhatTheHeck

    I just hate it when my computer watches me change in the dark and when it tells me, “No, Dave, I can't do that.”
    Like its running my life.

  16. Toomush_Infer

    I don't know what you people are so wonky about – I use the same excuse everytime I fake pay my mortgage the same as the rest of you….

  17. DaSandman

    And the latest prompt from Turbo Tax the Witless Wirch saw was "Christine, you dirty dirty little whore…"

  18. ChessieNefercat

    "…her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. "

    Ooh, somebody read the stories about the Wisconsin vote whoopsies and decided to try the "the software did it" defense herself.

  19. OneDollarJuana

    I'm seeing a dangerous trend here. Christine's computer "messes up" her campaign finances. A Wisconsin computer "finds" 14000 missing votes in Waukesha. Computer-driven drones "accidentally" kill wedding parties in Pakistan. The machines are taking over!

    1. Jukesgrrl

      I don't know … when I get away with not paying something, I feel pretty smart. At least until I get caught. And then I whine, "But how come Dick Cheney gets to do it?"

  20. Jukesgrrl

    She must have purchased the computer in Wisconsin. Ones from there come with the Human Error built in.

  21. Jukesgrrl

    OK, so I'm allowed to say THAT, but I'm not allowed to write my original post because it included a word that is the opposite of the U word used by Dasandman? A word I've seen here a hundred times? Has our Friday night visitor taken over Wonkette?

    1. DaSandman

      Jukes, maybe some weird ghost in the machine fallout from the Trig as doormat controversy?

  22. ttommyunger

    Fortunately, these people will never, ever learn to simply shut the fuck up. The Teevee is so lame these days if it weren't for O'D, Trump, Bachmann et. al. I would never get a good laugh.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    Jack: "Ms DOS" – very, very funny!

    If she blames this "error" on software, Ole Newt must have a server farm working for him.

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