ms. dos

Christine O’Donnell Blames Living Off Campaign Funds On Bad Software

The machines can never do better than this work of art.According to former U.S. Senate candidate-witch Christine O’Donnell, her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. Computers, you see, are dumb, and Christine O’Donnell is smart. Does this explain how the computer decided to rent out a townhouse for her on the campaign’s dime? No. And even if the computer did rent out the place, did she just go, “Oh, you’re paying rent for me on a townhouse, computer? That’s so nice of you! If you have certain manly needs, computer, let me know. That means I will have sex with you, if you can’t understand innuendo.” What kind of finance software just “automatically” buys you homes and groceries anyway? Was she using The Sims? THAT’S NOT BOOKKEEPING SOFTWARE.

A typical day at the O’Donnell campaign:

STAFFER: We need to buy more campaign signs.
O’DONNELL: Okay, I’ll put it into the software… Huh, it looks like one of the kids peed himself.
STAFFER: I’m sorry?
O’DONNELL: The software shows one of the kids peed himself. Oh, I forgot that I set my husband on fire yesterday.
STAFFER: What? Are you playing The Sims?
O’DONNELL: No, this is finance software. Hmm, there must be a glitch. Give me the campaign checkbook. I’ll write out a check to my landlord. The money should make its way to the sign company that way, right?
STAFFER: Christine, I don’t think—
O’DONNELL: I’m you.

Lay off, feds. It’s an obvious software error. There’s nothing wrong with the user. (She’s not a witch at all, if that’s what you’re wondering!) [Wilmington News Journal]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    May we burn her?

    • MittsHairHelmet

      What do we burn apart from witches?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        MORE witches!

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        our bridges behind us?
        our hopes for the future?

      • nounverb911

        Terry Jones?

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          Actually I think Terry Gilliam directed that scene not Terry Jon….. Oh you meant the other guy with the mustache. Sorry.

      • Ohforcripessake

        Doobies!

      • V572..whatever

        Fossil fuels?

        • http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cheaphits/reviews cheaphits

          Bush

      • Bonzos_Bed_Time

        Lots and lots of coal.

      • MittsHairHelmet

        wood?

  • Barb

    Did she not notice that she wasn't writing checks for the rent and somehow, didn't get evicted?

    • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      Well, she doesn't seem to have noticed that she's a ridiculous caricature of a human being yet, so I guess it isn't so far fetched that a comparatively minor thing like not paying money for stuff might slip her mind.

      • Barb

        She must believe in the rent elves.

        • Gopherit

          Step one: Run for senate
          Step two: ????
          Step three: OMG! Profit!

          • HogeyeGrex

            Isn't that gnomes?

            Elves, gnomes, witches. Who says politics is boring?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Probly all black art intubie payments beyond Xtine's frame of reference.

      • Barb

        Unless you are making payments on a Bentley, rent/mortgage should be your first payment out and the largest. How the hell could she NOT know that she wasn't paying her own rent. She hasn't held a job in ages!!!!

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          The maths are just so hard. Easier to put on a lady bug costume, giggle, and then the next thing you know you are a candidate for the US Senate.

          • V572..whatever

            This is known as "the Palin Procedure."

          • Barb

            I dressed up as a bee once. Does that qualify me to hold office? http://i42.photobucket.com/albums/e324/Barb092162

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            There would be quite a media buzz.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Why not? My new state rep qualified by having his pull-ups age spawn squeal on the radio at people to vote for their not-too-bright daddy.

          • Arken

            Would that make you a dress-up barb bee?

          • AJW@[redacted]

            Rawr! Belushi woulda been proud…

          • HogeyeGrex

            I don't know. You look like one of those Mexican bees. We're going to need to see your long form B-irth certificate.

          • tessiee

            "I dressed up as a bee once."

            Cute!
            You and the Antonio Banderas bee on the commercial should hook up!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I wish someone would inadvertently pay my rent.

    • jus_wonderin

      Ooops.

    • tessiee

      Planned Parenthood pays mine in exchange for my eight or nine abortions a week.

  • RedneckMuslin

    She's like a virus.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Can someone degauss her hard drive? That might help.

      • user-of-owls

        Maladroit-ware?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    I am not a glitch.

    • emmelemm

      A+ Would fist again and again.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I'm I. O. U.!

  • jonzin

    I got nothing. I just, um, what the fuck? She's not even really trying to cover the shit up.

    • widestanceroman

      A blind two-legged cat with no sense of smell could do a better job of covering shit up.

      • tessiee

        On a marble floor.

    • GOPCrusher

      If she was trying to cover something up, that would imply that she knows the difference between right and wrong.
      I don't think she believes she's done anything wrong. She probably believes that if people give her money to run for office, that means she can use it for anything she wants.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Let me know how the TurboTax defense works. I may have to try that next year.

  • owhatever

    Another proud graduate of Trump University.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      It ain't a "University" no more. Trump said he didn't know that naming has, like, standards. Then he said he they met the standard. You know, the one he didn't know about.

      • CalamityJames

        "I have many many many many more standards."

      • riverside68

        huge HUGE standards, solid gold ones that I sit on.

        (We are talking plumbing here, right?)

        • tessiee

          You did say "sit", right?

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wait, Lego Star Wars doesn't manage money?!

    • SmutBoffin

      "How can my campaign be broke? I got all of the coins on level 3 of Super Mario Brothers!"

  • metamarcisf

    Today's best headline (Politico):

    Krauthammer: Trump Is Running

    Or do I have that backwards?

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

      Trumphammer: Kraut is Running?

    • arihaya

      Krauthammer sounds like a food ,,, oh sorry that's Sauerkraut

      • tessiee

        It sounds like something in the Wagner/Led Zeppelin Krapperdammerung universe.

  • HempDogbane

    Not everyone has the luck to have Ensign's "software."

    • OneDollarJuana

      Apparently not even Ensign, who has re-En-signed from the Senate.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Wake me up when she gets derezzed.

  • Goonemeritus

    It must be hard keeping your unemployed salary separate from your campaign funds.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Oh what's all this now about women having sex with computers?
    ~

    • OneDollarJuana

      Dang wimmen, allus tryin to horn in on a guy's fun.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I always tell my kids (since we don't have a dog), the most important words they need to remember for school are: "MS Office ate my homework."

    • ChessieNefercat

      And odds are, the big stinker did.

  • Callyson

    “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used
    Would the designer of this software be a CompSci major from Glenn Beck University? If so, I *might* believe this crackpot story…

  • Gopherit

    I can totally see how money that should be in a designated campaign account "accidentally" found its way into her personal account. Bad computer!! Bad!!!

    "I can't be out of money! I still have checks!"

  • CrunchyKnee

    Needz moar bush.

    • MasterDebater

      Well, she doesn't wax if that helps.

  • DownFist Troll

    Note to self: Pay of mortgage by running for senate.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    This is what happens when you ignore the parental advisory for Mortal Kombat: The Coven.

  • SmutBoffin

    Just checking in to see if C. O'D. is still a stupid liar.

    Yep.

    When will she announce for president?

    • not that Dewey

      "Cash on Delivery" is quite an apt name for her.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    I'm sure she figured her rent was just paid by magic.

  • BZ1

    Oh what a tangled web… and so on and so on…

  • phlox✔

    I'll bet she has a back door virus… if you know what I mean.
    And I think you do.

    • Gopherit

      More like syphilis. Nothing rots a brain faster……and when it starts off with a brain as weak as Christine's……well.

  • Mahousu

    Poor Christine. After her campaign stopped inadvertently paying her rent, her PAC inadvertently took over. Unfortunately, her PAC's lease inadvertently expired March 31, which apparently has inadvertently left her homeless. Inadvertently, though, it makes it much harder to serve her with legal papers, so this may inadvertently prove to be an advantage in the long run.

    • [redacted]hse

      It couldn't be averted.

      • tessiee

        Mistakes were made.

  • Hatrabbit

    She knows if you handle your money bits too often you'll probly go blind.

  • jus_wonderin

    I pay my bills with my salary. Not campaign contributions. She's not me.

    • Gopherit

      You mean you can set up more than one account on quicken? What will they come up with next?

  • Buckminster

    And for her next act, she'll magically transform into a bat.

    Oh, wait. She already has. An insane old bat.

    • emmelemm

      She's not really that old.

      • AJW@[redacted]

        She is, in bat years.

      • tessiee

        "She's not really that old."

        But she's sure-nuff batty.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    April 15, 2010: TurboTax becomes self-aware.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      And has its first orgasm…

  • widestanceroman

    OT, and I'd like to be mature about this, but on the other hand:

    I JUST GOT 100p SCORE, I JUST GOT 100p SCORE, I JUST GOT 100p SCORE.

    Thanks, all you evil commenters, I couldn't have done it without you.

    • HistoriCat

      Congratulations. Just remember, the first 100 is the easy part – it gets harder from here. And no, you don't get half priced drinks for having 100 p. Total ripoff.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Congrats. I had 100p once, but then I commented on the Trig thread and things started going limp.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        You sure its not the gin that's making it go limp?
        Oh and congrats to widestance.

    • ChessieNefercat

      You're an inspiration!

  • Oblios_Cap

    She's You!

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    In her defense…the computer wasn't even plugged in.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So someone was expecting a woman who claims to have had two virginities over the course of her lifetime to be good with numbers? That was probably a mistake.

    • tessiee

      It seems to me that a woman with more than one virginity had *better* be good at math, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

  • lulzmonger

    She IS a witch!
    She's channeling Kathy Nickolaus like a real little (Storm)trooper!

    ♪ ♫ OOOO-EEEEEE-OOOOOOO…♪ ♫

  • EdFlintstone

    Beat that Palin.

  • BornInATrailer

    It's that personal responsibility they've been talking about.

  • Jerri

    Goddamnit. How come "Ctrl-Shift-C: Motherlode" never works for me in real life?

    • tessiee

      Hey, don't ask me. I'm still figuring out the "whine-pout" sequence in princess.exe.

  • Chillwaver

    Give her a break, people; she is an expert in "personal accountability," not "personal accounting."

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Apparently it wasn't her rent payment but her waxing bill. It was just hard to hide that large amount under "Miscellaneous".

    • Mahousu

      Hair libel! By all accounts (well, just the one), she is not spending money in that department.

  • DashboardBuddha

    As an aside…having accounting software work like Half-Life would be pretty cool.

  • prommie

    For years her rent was paid by a mysterious Philadelphia lawyer under some arrangement I am sure was completely abvove-board and for which there was no quid-pro-quo expected. When it comes to the rent, apparently she has always depended on the kindness of strangers.

  • philpjfry

    It was the software and the twinkees……yeah that's it

  • http://wonkette.com MooseDroppings

    Whoa … you should try living with my computer! The thing keeps ordering cheap pizza and porn.

    • tessiee

      No shit.
      I have an invisible maid who comes over twice a week, messes up my house, and eats all the food in my refigerator.
      I'd fire the bitch if I could find her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    And 7,000 votes!

    • DashboardBuddha

      Anal fister troll has returned.

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    I think maybe she was using Portal, rather than The Sims.

    PUT MONEY IN THIS HOLE, MONEY COMES OUT THAT HOLE. Accounting done!

  • WhatTheHeck

    I just hate it when my computer watches me change in the dark and when it tells me, “No, Dave, I can't do that.”
    Like its running my life.

  • roboturkey

    and she thought chatroulette was her issues focus group

  • hagajim

    She obviously forgot to pay for that danged Brazilian.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I don't know what you people are so wonky about – I use the same excuse everytime I fake pay my mortgage the same as the rest of you….

  • AlNewMan

    Photo caption "at least I was able to purchase this vibrator"

  • MasterDebater

    Wait, isn't this Rebecca Black? I honestly, seriously, cannot tell them apart.

    • tessiee

      Perfectly understandable; they both have the intellect and maturity of a sixth grader.

  • Steverino247

    ACCOUNTING LIBEL!!!

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I'd rather not become a whore.

  • Sheesko

    My God, she's an Escher pol.

  • DaSandman

    And the latest prompt from Turbo Tax the Witless Wirch saw was "Christine, you dirty dirty little whore…"

    • tessiee

      Christopher Walken FTW!!

  • EdFlintstone

    Not surprisingly, the FEC never questioned the $4,863 spent on Nair products.

  • ChessieNefercat

    "…her troubles over her fundraising reports are due to “inadvertent errors” in the software that was used by her campaign. "

    Ooh, somebody read the stories about the Wisconsin vote whoopsies and decided to try the "the software did it" defense herself.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I'm seeing a dangerous trend here. Christine's computer "messes up" her campaign finances. A Wisconsin computer "finds" 14000 missing votes in Waukesha. Computer-driven drones "accidentally" kill wedding parties in Pakistan. The machines are taking over!

    • Jukesgrrl

      StarTrek warned us about The Borg.

  • franco_pinyon

    Is it possible that this woman is getting dumber? At an alarming rate?

    • Jukesgrrl

      I don't know … when I get away with not paying something, I feel pretty smart. At least until I get caught. And then I whine, "But how come Dick Cheney gets to do it?"

  • Jukesgrrl

    She must have purchased the computer in Wisconsin. Ones from there come with the Human Error built in.

  • metamarcisf

    All a friend can say is "ain't it a shame?"

    • tessiee

      You guys, that's Sweet Jane, not Christine the Notwitch!

  • Jukesgrrl

    OK, so I'm allowed to say THAT, but I'm not allowed to write my original post because it included a word that is the opposite of the U word used by Dasandman? A word I've seen here a hundred times? Has our Friday night visitor taken over Wonkette?

    • DaSandman

      Jukes, maybe some weird ghost in the machine fallout from the Trig as doormat controversy?

  • sportshort

    Let me get this straight: "The dog bought my homework." Schweet.

  • notesman

    Is this the same as Timothy Geithner blaming TurboTax for not paying his taxes?

  • ttommyunger

    Fortunately, these people will never, ever learn to simply shut the fuck up. The Teevee is so lame these days if it weren't for O'D, Trump, Bachmann et. al. I would never get a good laugh.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Now, now. Perhaps this was not intended to be a factual statement.

  • schvitzatura

    Munniez ignernt Excel Spreadsheet is munniez ignernt.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Jack: "Ms DOS" – very, very funny!

    If she blames this "error" on software, Ole Newt must have a server farm working for him.