nut of the week

Michele Bachmann Honored To Be Noted by TIME Alongside Hitler

On the shoulders of giants.Vacant-eyed junior demagogue Michele Bachmann wants to be a famous extremist dingbat just like her rival/idol, Sarah Palin. But how to get better known? The new polls show that 64% of GOP voters have no idea who Michele Bachmann is and only 12% see her “favorably,” so she really needs to amp up the craziness. Why not call for all gay people to be killed? Why not? (Her husband is excused from this, of course, because he was “cured.”) Anyway, all press is good press, so forgotten dentist-office magazine TIME has a blurb about Bachmann written by noted TIME journalist Rush Limbaugh. Keep appeasing the wingnuts, liberal media!

Here’s the email we just received from the mind of Michele:

Dear Fellow Conservative,

Yesterday, I was honored to hear of my inclusion in the Time 100, Time Magazine’s annual list of the most influential people in the world. My inclusion speaks to the enormous gains that our movement of constitutional conservatives has made over the past year. We are truly making a difference and the entire world is stopping to take notice.

Yep, that’s definitely what’s happening, when TIME magazine takes notice of a fringe-right extremist imbecile. Progress!

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Her fundraising email then notes that inclusion in TIME means America approves of her wingnut crusade. And yes, we know “her” email was actually written by a staffer who can manage to type a semi-coherent sentence without all those goddamned voices intruding, the way they do in Michele’s head all the time. (It sounds like Jesus, sometimes, if Jesus spoke Midwestern American English and was paradoxically against socialism, but then sometimes it sounds like a toilet gurgling, or a kind of vicious night pig snorting and coughing and saying something in Latin that sounds like MURDER MURDER MURDER.) Anyway, back to her email she didn’t actually write, because of the voices:

In this sense, my inclusion in the Time 100 is really our inclusion — a validation that our constitutional conservative values are not radical or out of line, but reflect the best that America has to offer.

Indeed. Like Stalin and Hitler and “you” and other previous “men of the year,” Bachmann being noted in some “100 this or that listicle” issue of a fading newsweekly is proof that she is already president.

The many moods of vacant-eyed schizophrenic Michele Bachmann.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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101 comments

  1. Badonkadonkette

    my inclusion in the Time 100, Time Magazine’s annual list of the most influential people in the world.

    There must be some mistake. Perhaps Time has another list? Perhaps the most annoying people in the world? The batshit craziest?

    1. Arken

      I don't know, every time I see her, I'm influenced to vomit.

      No wait… influenced isn't the word I'm thinking of…

      Induced! Induced to vomit!

      She's like political ipecac.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I don't get Time magazine; how many slots below Q-Daffy is she on the influential list? How about Bin Laden?

    3. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

      There has been a mistake. She was supposed to go on Time's 100 Most Effluential People list, along with all the other internationally recognized shit spewers.

  2. Barb

    Michele Bachmann called Planned Parenthood the "Lens Crafters of abortions" Time magazine just validated her spot as the "Costco of crazy"

    1. JustPixelz

      I would take the anti-abortionists more seriously if they offered anything whatsoever to support a woman who chooses to have the baby. Food stamps? Welfare? Daycare? Medicaid? Living wage? Pell grant? They love life while it's in the womb; take a breath and they're all "I'm praying for you".

      Bachmann, the TP'ers and the Repubicans are the LensCrafters of Blind Faith.

      1. weejee

        Bachmann, the TP'ers and the Repubicans are the LensCrafters of Blind Faith

        ♪♫ and they can't find their way back home ♫♪

      2. tessiee

        "I would take the anti-abortionists more seriously if they offered anything whatsoever to support a woman who chooses to have the baby. … They love life while it's in the womb; take a breath and they're all "I'm praying for you".

        "The baby is sacred as long as you're pregnant; once it's born, it can go fuck itself."
        /Peter Griffin/

  3. JustPixelz

    Her TP supporters won't be impressed with recognition from TIME which is the leaden standard for both lame- and main-stream media. Although I admit she and it both operate at the fifth grade level.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      One of Time's desperate lunges to regain relevance is publishing a mini-newsmagazine school handout called Time For Kids. Ostensibly for 4th – 6th graders, my kid's school was giving it to them in 2nd grade.

      1. loulouroo

        Well, just like these asshats, cocaine is entertaining and good for a laugh now and then, but when it begins to rule your life and you actually believe the delusions, it's time to quit.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    "…my inclusion in the Time 100 is really our inclusion."

    From actual email:

    "…my inclusion in the Time 100 is really our inclusion so SEND ME MONEY RIGHT AWAY!!!!!1!!!!"

  5. metamarcisf

    Congratulations to Michele Bachmann (R) (Knucklehead) for her inclusion in the list of 100 along with Kim Jong Un and Patti Smith. As Jesus said of the blind prostitute, you really have to hand it to her.

    1. Negropolis

      As Jesus said of the blind prostitute, you really have to hand it to her.

      I'm laughing so hard and for so long my shoulders are hurting.

    2. mourningnmerica

      Metamarcisf, you are a treasure. I, for one, will not rest until your rating is at least a -50 or even a zero. Come on guys, give this commenter a break. Whatever he did wrong was surely made up for by this post.

  6. ttommyunger

    "Michele Bachmann Honored To Be Noted by TIME Alongside Hitler." Attorney's representing the Hitler Family, however, are not amused. I smell a lawsuit.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah really…I'm sure the Stalin's and the Hussien family took a look her featurette written by Dominican Child Rapist Limbaugh and said "there goes the neighborhood" before head shake and face-palm. In defense of histories greatest villains, oh sure, they were assholes and monsters but at least they could form complete and coherent sentences. This is like…no, it's not just like, it's exactly like handing a space to one of those nutters who scream about the end of the world in Central Park because someone stuck a mic in front of one of them.

  7. loulouroo

    But Rush! Michele! I thought you COULD NOT TRUST the left wing media? Oh, only when they lick your ass? You BETCHA!

  8. hagajim

    So she's in the Time 100…good thing I haven't read Time anytime recently. What I really want to know is what her P score is.

  9. OkieDokieDog

    So being a "constitutional conservative" means that you use the constitution to wipe wasteful crap off your crazy ass, send it to Glenn Beck for gold plated coins, thus conserving the constitution? Also ; too bibles.

    Yeah, that makes no sense, but neither does that VIP sub-human woman-thing.

  10. DaRooster

    "…a validation that our constitutional conservative values are not radical or out of line…"

    Yep, neither were Hitler's… You are a FUCKING MORONIC WACKO!
    Just fucking DROP already.

    1. dr_giraud

      I can see the informercial; cue the aging Conservative celubutard–Kirk Cameron? Dennis Miller?–standing next to an unindentified 20-something female, pitching the Bachmann DVDs to 'baggers whose VCR machines "don't work no more."

  11. powersuit

    If by "influential" Time means "the ability to make people talk about you" then yes, she is probably no. 2 on the list . . . behind Justin Bieber. Congratulations!

  12. SayItWithWookies

    If there's anything more fitting for Michele than being honored by a magazine whose so-called news is four days old when it's published, it's her trumpeting her inclusion in the mainstream media she routinely disparages as a sign that she's arrived. Hey Ms. Bachmann, wouldn't this really mean that you're now a watered-down nothing who's harmless enough to be palatable to the liberal press? Maybe you're just not conservative enough for them to fear you anymore. You should think about unleashing that hidden reservoir of really crazy shit that you've been saving for a special occasion such as this.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      "her trumpeting her inclusion in the mainstream media she routinely disparages "

      …which is almost as bizarre as those protestors serenading the President in a "praise with faint damning" twist… the flawed message-massaging seen today apparently has no ideological bounds.

  13. walstib

    So, can she still taste teh poop from when her "husband" put his hoohaw up some dudes butt?

    Does she like it?

    Can I put my hoohah up HER butt?

    If the answer to all three of these is yes, Michelle – you have my vote!

    In the primary at least…

  14. Oblios_Cap

    our constitutional conservative values are not radical or out of line, but reflect the best that America has to offer.

    We are fucked!

  15. HempDogbane

    In yet another staff shakeup, Michelle recently hired Jesus. That email is pretty good considering it's been translated from Aramaic. It should have said "our constitutional conservative values are not radical or out of line, but reflect the best that the Romans have to offer." Michelle complimented Jesus on a strong start and he, meek as usual, blushed and stammered "Yah, suuuure", all the while staring at his feet.

  16. Chillwaver

    The similarities between these two are astonishing…
    "Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator."
    - Adolph Hitler (from Mein Kampf)

    1. Warpde

      I do believe one must be soaked in a good brine first to suck as much of the "gayness" out. But you must be careful. Soaking too long could get you a fundamentalist christian instead of a normal "un-gay" guy.
      Then you dip.

      1. Rotundo_

        Add brown sugar and saltpeter and you could be curing ham, add vinegar instead and you could be making pickles. Did you find this one in Martha Stewarts holiday recipes for preserves and heterosexuals?

  17. SheriffRoscoe

    Don't misunderestimate the power of influence, which Michelle Bachmann clearly has been recognized for, folks. Why, just this morning I was influenced to wipe my ass three times instead of two, as is customary. Ran a little low on dietary fiber yesterday I reckon.

  18. YasserArraFeck

    Every TeaTard will have a copy of Time in their toilet-side fap-stash. Time's circulation will definitely rise – alas, the TeaTard's circulation will only rise as far as the neck, as usual.

    1. tessiee

      As in the old joke, they have a schlong and a brain, but only enough blood to operate one.

  19. Terry

    I know this is off topic and shallow as hell, but….damn….girlfriend needs to do something about that eye makeup. She's making her eyes look like they are sitting at the bottom of two coal dark pits. It might be her pact with Lucifer that's doing that, but she needs to try lightening up on the Merle Norman.

  20. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Note that both Hitler's and Stalin's portraits for Man of the Year feature the three-quarters angle portrait Michele so favors.

  21. Mahousu

    Let's see what sort of company she's keeping: Julian Assange, Joe Biden, Gabrielle Giffords, Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Muqtada al-Sadr, Arianna Huffington, Oprah Winfrey, Sting, Justin Bieber …. Yeah, it figures; just another closet liberal.

    (OT, how can Rain make it and Perfume not?)

  22. Guppy06

    "Why not call for all gay people to be killed?"

    That's how you get the corporate money from Target and Best Buy up thar in Minnesoter!

  23. aaronandersen

    Your piece is so full of mildly amusing snark that any of Bachmann's own zaniness is utterly lost in yours. Thanks for info-taining me, I guess.

  24. philpjfry

    The only thing she can influence is my dick. Ir=t wilts everytime I see her pictures. Crazy bitch.

  25. Steverino247

    Does this mean her four years on the Western Front were the happiest days of her life, too?

  26. randcoolcatdaddy

    Time must be going after the dentists waiting room demographic. After listening to Michelle Bachmann for a few minutes, getting a root canal doesn't seem so bad.

  27. AznMom420

    Michelle was honored for her uncanny influence over the fish of the sea and the beasts of the land and has allowed american farmers to employ her as a non-lethal method of pest extermination. Furthermore cleaning up the prolific mounds of animal vomit has created jobs in our recession-starved economy.

  28. AJW@[redacted]

    Or as Joan Baez once sang:
    ♪♫And I said, TIME, TIME mag, mag
    You got me on the rag, rag
    ♫♪

  29. chascates

    Ted Nugent wrote the puff piece about Sarah Palin for Time a while back. maybe someone with more objectivity, say Sean Hannity, should write these tributes.

    1. Rotundo_

      ♪♫Wang Dang Sweet Poontang Baby Michelle Rocks♫♪ (Fumble fingered arpeggio, followed by garden variety power chords and 10 minutes of various types of small arms fire on a effigy of Barry with a final bow shot from 15 feet away for the coup de grace. Pyros on, Ted Out.

  30. Negropolis

    I love how she (so disingenuously) wants to include "the little people that made all this happen" in her craziness. But, who the hell really knows? Maybe the "us" is one of, all of, or some of the myriad of voices that fly around that belfry in her head.

    BTW, Michele wont' be shit until she's featured as a "Jet Beauty" in Jet magazine.

  31. tessiee

    Wait…
    So "Time" actually ran an article that wasn't:
    1) the historical Jesus,
    2) why 1950s gender roles are biologically based and should never change,
    3) Egypt/the Vikings/WWII?

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