it's morning in america

Communist Requests Recount In Wisconsin Supreme Court Election

Communists LOVE hanging chads. (Because most people named Chad are freedom-loving capitalists.)

  • Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election, after some weird lady “found” 14,000 votes on her personal computer. But now this hippie sore loser has requested a recount, probably because Prosser is only ahead by 7,316 votes, which is 0.5 percent of the 1.5 million votes cast statewide. More liberal tricks! First Kloppenburg declared victory without even considering that some lady would find 14,000 votes a day after the election results were announced. And now this, a recount? Nobody knows how long this process will take, or how many union thugs Scott Walker will have to fire in retaliation. [Reuters]
  • A recent New York Times/CBS News poll says that eighty percent of Americans believe “the economy is doing fairly or very bad.” People are so impatient. The money is trickling down. It takes time to trickle, geezus. (Why does America hate Ronald Reagan?) [The Politico]
  • Nobel Peace Prize Champion Barack Obama has authorized the use of death robots in Libya. Half the world is now being bombed by a bunch of sad youngsters sitting behind computer monitors in a top secret trailer in Fort Skoal, Virginia, or whatever. [The Hill]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barb

    Oh, and Happy Earth Day! Let's be kind to mother Earth today by making sure our beer cans get taken to the trash and please, club sandwiches, not seals.

    They really should move the date of Earth Day. The only people who care about it are still high from 4/20.

    • jus_wonderin

      So my baby seal reusable shopping bag is a good thing??

      • Barb

        You joined the club?

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Save the Peeps!

    • DahBoner

      Yeah, it's Earth Day, but let's not be all arrogant and like "EARTH IS NUMBER #1".

      Sure, those aliens from other planets are just here to breed with our Republican women and use thier mind control powers to make us vote for people who no one had ever heard of like Barrack Obama and Sarah Palin.

      But people from other planets just want to be treated like people no matter if their skin color is white, brown, black, yellow, invisible, or green.

      Aliens should not be forced to carry identifier chips to be scanned by police robots to prove that they are legally allowed to be here on this planet…

    • fuflans

      the google doodle is a nice antidote to most, well, everything.

    • ThePaganTemple

      I would like to wish you all a Happy Ira Einhorn Day. In his honor I'm fermenting a nice compost in my closet. By the way, in case anybody asks, my girlfriend left me. I have no fucking idea where she went.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    Why are those brave youngsters sitting in a secret trailer? Surely, they could learn to multitask and bomb Libya while watching the television machine, chatting with "friends", driving, eating freedom fries and having sex.

    • GhostBuggy

      Aren't we bombing enough children/weddings without America's Best-brand teenagers being distracted by hot trailer sex? Imagine the "collateral damage" (calling it that makes it okay) when they're also shooting their own loads.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Considering it's the Air Force, they're probably all too busy fantasizing about the rapture and sexytime with Jesus to focus on hot trailer sex while bombing weddings.

        • GhostBuggy

          Well, one man's hot trailer sex is another man's religious fervor (Actually, they're all the same man).

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    Trickle or Tinkle?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      It is moar the pisser.

    • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

      I'd settle for either at this point. Repubicans still say tax cuts create jobs. Like they did in 2001 under Bush. We got so many new jobs out of that tax cut we had to export some to China and India.

    • CliveWarren

      Ureaganomics…

      • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

        Ha!

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Aren't those some of the Palin brood?

    • GOPCrusher

      TRIG!!!!

      (Too soon?)

  • Ruhe

    Nobel Peace Prize now utterly devoid of irony-free meaning! That's a dissertation topic right there.

    • Mark81150

      Has been since Arafat got one..

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Why does America hate Ronald Reagan?

    Not to mention his Muslin successor from Kenya, President Barack Obama!
    ~

  • CliveWarren

    As long as those death robots don't wear boots it isn't a war.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Alvin Greene would've saved the world by now.

    • Ruhe

      Don't discount the possibility that the Zen Master/Jedi/Buddha did save the world from a fate much worse than our current reality. Alvin moves in mysterious ways.

    • tessiee

      Or at least written a kick-ass R&B song about it.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Enemy of the Koch “JoAnne Kloppenburg” was thoroughly defeated by old-timey wingnut David Prosser in the recent Wisconsin Supreme Court election…

    This is actually fairly close to what Prosser said about his "re-elect". "But now that all 72 counties have completed their canvasses, the result of the election is not in doubt", said the returning Supreme.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    The 80% probably just finished filling their SUV's gas tank and have a sad. Of course Repubican shoe-in Donald Trump will lower prices using his "Think" system*. We just out-think OPEC and the prices will go down. Why did't we think of that before? Oh yeah, the "think" part.
    ___________________
    cf. Professor Harold Hill in The Music Man

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, you're saying, Trump was really the puppet-master for Backstreet Boys & N'Synch, not Lou Perlman?

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought Donald's Plan was to just go to Saudi Arabia and tell them that they have to give us their oil.

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Trumpette said we'd take the Libya oil. I don't recall what he said about Saudia Arabia. But what do you mean "their oil"?

  • freakishlywrong

    Yeah. The "media" is braying about the right track/wrong track numbers saying it's good for John McCain and that the country has a mad for Obamar. Maybe, just maybe, it's because we've had Conservatives screaming about how broke we are, (ignoring the the trillions corporations are sitting on, whilst hiring overseas), and threatening our cherished social programs. But yeah, Friday!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      McWallnutz is in Libya right now being strapped on a Predator that the Skoal Bandit's evil twin is going fly over to Tripoli and drop McCain on Ghadaffy's tent.

      • freakishlywrong

        That visual just gave me a lady boner.

        • Limeylizzie

          I call that a "wide on".

    • zhubajie

      Our corporate would-be masters are not all that smart.

      • Mark81150

        They need only be smarter than folks who use phrases like "corporate would-be masters".

        The rest think without the class warfare goggles on.

  • politics_nerd

    hello? some of us are only high from 4/22. Have a little respect.

  • politics_nerd

    Also, moar wonkbot. pretty sure trumpie being #1 in pug field is a terror warning in the making.

  • hollywooddood

    I trickle all the time.

  • LabRodent

    X-Box is training the next generation of Super Soldiers. (A least thats what my son said)

    • jus_wonderin

      I feed that market. Sometimes I have guilt about it. Though, not on paydays.

  • arihaya

    i foresaw lizard people

    • jus_wonderin

      Was that directed by M. Knight Shyamalan?

  • EdFlintstone

    Well inspector Clouseau, err I mean Eric Holder, will get to the bottom of the oil speculation. Expect his report, about finding nothing, in about 3 years.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I wish nothing short of painful, prolonged death on anyone fucking with oil. Because I am a small farmer/rancher (yes, pygmy goats and very short sheep, dammit!), I have to occasionally drive my gas-guzzling pickup, and am not amused at the current fluctuation between $4.41 and $4.47 per gallon at my local gas station. I should just throw a big bbq and give up on raising my own food. I'm sure Swanson's and Ore-Ida provide excellent nutrition…

      Actually, what I wish more is that there were an affordable and decent electric car available in my area so that I could laugh at everyone else who still has to pay for gas. But that's because I'm evil.

  • BZ1

    Now Kloppenburg is in for it, there will probably be 10 gazillion more votes found stashed in drawers…

  • slithytoves

    Uh oh. I think I bombed Libya last night when I was playing Halo.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    As screwed up as the Wisconsin election was you would that everyone could agree that a recall would be a good idea especially with the track record of the lady who found the missing votes. But still, you read the comments and the wings nutz are pissing and moaning about union thugs, vote stealing Demonrats and what other poop can be flung. Get it over with. Congrats to the winner.

    • tessiee

      It's like the rest of their hypocritical bullshit. They want the votes counted accurately only when they think they're winning. See also: Franken, Al, Coleman, Norm, Bush v. Gore, etc. etc. etc.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Fort Skoal… I've been there, beautiful country – right on the banks of the muddy brown Dipspit River. Good times

  • 738838

    Better than Pfartzheim

    • jus_wonderin

      I say a prayer each night for the poor souls that were gased.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    The whole country suffers from Tri ckle Do wn Syn drome.

    [Help me Riley! My comments are being "deleted by the administrator." — maybe I'm not allowed to say that Trig thing.]

    Edit: That was it. You're not allowed to say the Trig thing.

    • EdFlintstone

      We'll have to refer to him as Girt now to throw off the trolls.

      • CalamityJames

        Girt is an ertrad.

        • jus_wonderin

          We could use Ttrriigg latin.

          • Mumbletypeg

            It works. "He's called Trrrriggger — of course." ♪ ♫

    • hagajim

      I got deleted by the Administrator as well…is Wonkette trying to censor us now?

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I think it's actually random. I had a completely non-Triggish post yesterday that vanished. I'm not sure if it was the suggestion that we split the country into 3 parts and pave over the middle, that us Westies join B.C. and create a porn/weed-based economy, or that I dangled a participle.

    • tessiee

      I've been using "leotard" and "leotarded", but other suggestions are welcome.

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    How will DADT affect Death Robots, heeeennnnggghhhh?

    • CliveWarren

      When you're laying in a foxhole taking enemy fire, you shouldn't have to worry about your comrade fiddling his ethernet-cable while he is eying your USB-port lustfully.

  • BZ1

    Now for something related, do the US Marines not have enough to do in Afghani? This should ensure that the US will be asked to leave the Mideast soon, very, very soon… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynxdBS7HpPk

  • mereoblivion

    “the economy is doing fairly or very bad.” Badly, dumfux. But we're looking forward to the refraud here in Badgerveld: how soon do we get to start hanging Chad, again?

  • kissawookiee

    Better to have Wonkbot tromp through the oily deserts of Libya, dealing death left and right, than melt into a glowing puddle in Fukushima.

  • V572..whatever

    All those brave drone pilots are sitting in trailers at Creech Air Force Base, outside Las Vegas. They're fully trained Air Force pilots, wear pilot's wings and "flight suits," get flight and combat pay, and take crew rest after a hard day of joystick wiggling.

    It's funny cuz it's true! And hey, downfist-troll — click on the links if you think it ain't!

    • rileywaggs

      Thank you for this clarification. Well cited, too!

    • GOPCrusher

      Jesus, two of the worst years of my life were spent at Nellis.

      • V572..whatever

        You were lucky you weren’t at Creech (used to be Indian Springs Airfield). Austere in the extreme.

    • zhubajie

      They don't have e-1 enlisted men doing this?

      • V572..whatever

        You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Any video-game-trained kid can “put the thing on the thing,” as they say. The flying services hate hate hate drones  and resisted them with every fiber of their corporate being until the company that makes them, General Atomics, lobbied Congress so long and hard that the services were finally told “You’re getting ‘em whether you like it or not.” So the Air Force has chosen to treat them as if they were “real” airplanes requiring “real” pilots as a form of passive resistance. The Army, which has no such existential problems, enthusiastically uses all sorts of drones from the largest to the smallest.

        • tessiee

          "Any video-game-trained kid can “put the thing on the thing,” as they say."

          THEY say that, too? I've actually caught myself saying out loud, "The thing with the things".

  • comptoneffect

    Half the world is now being bombed by a bunch of sad youngsters sitting behind computer monitors in a top secret trailer in Fort Skoal, Virginia, or whatever.

    Blowing up shit 4realz does not make youngsters sad. It’s more like, “I just bagged another one, pass me a Jolt.” I could get both you and me in a lot of trouble by saying this, but you need to hang out with teenage boys more often.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Sure, send the election to a 5-4 conservative majority Supreme Court, already. Hey, I'm not in Wisconsin, but I have like twelve thousand extra votes on my computer, too.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      I'll donate my p-points if that'll help Kloppenburg. Does she need p?

  • edywin2

    So do they get medals from these bombing raids, or Best Buy gift cards?

  • Tundra Grifter

    Probably a tough place to take a nap.

    • jus_wonderin

      True, but we can be sure they don't have napping Air Traffic Controllers.

  • hagajim

    Does Kloppenberg need to take some Kochenberg?

  • hagajim

    We are all being tri ckled on by the Koch….

  • DaRooster

    "…poll says that eighty percent of Americans believe “the economy is doing fairly or very bad.”

    So what would the third choice be? Does this mean that 20% of Americans are deaf, dumb and blind… (do they play a mean pinball)
    Also too- Happy Earfday… what's left of it…

  • Mumbletypeg

    This, plus Riley's alt-text, just won my morning.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Why does America hate Ronald Reagan?

    Because he was a lying psychopath, a smug, easily manipulated charlatan and a senile figurehead who couldn't tell fantasy from reality?

    I know, it was a rhetorical question but sometime I can't resist.

    • tessiee

      Don't forget: Because he disassembled the safety net, because he was instrumental in the rolling back of the New Deal that's still going on today, because he presided over the greatest transfer of wealth to the top 1% that's still going on today, because he started the union-busting that's still going on today, because without a Reagan presidency, we probably wouldn't have had either Bush presidency, because he was an empty-headed puppet who was stuck for an answer to "good morning" unless his harpy wife was telling him what to think, do, and say…

      But yours are good, too.

      • ChessieNefercat

        Good, if depressing, summation.

        • tessiee

          Thanks, smiling ruler of ancient Egypt.

          And while I'm on the subject, can I point out how consistently annoying I found his 1947 Readers' Digest worldview, as if the entire decades of the 50s, 60s, and 70s had never happened? It really bugs.

  • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

    http://www.kloppenburgforjustice.com/ to help w/ the legal costs, if'n you wanna.

  • ttommyunger

    "It's not who casts the votes that matters; it is who counts them" Joseph Stalin.

  • ThePaganTemple

    Surely to God some of you Union thugs can find eight thousand votes somebody forgot to cast. Everybody check your car trunks.

    • tessiee

      Hey, here's some…
      Oh, crap, it's just a bunch of old Costco receipts.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Looks like that guy in the pic finally got to see Obama's circumcision certificate.

  • Negropolis

    I love that Kloppenburg is pushing this on. Obviously, there's not way she's going to make up that vote deficit, but it keeps this in the news for a few more weeks at least, and that's really all that matters. Time we started playing offense more often. Make those sneaky bitches earn and own every single vote they stole, the bastards.

  • Barb

    It's Good Friday.

  • jus_wonderin

    TGIGF?

  • GodShammgod

    Yesterday was Good Thursday, today is Good Friday, tomorrow is Good Saturday, and Good Sunday comes afterwards.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    And folks in the Philippines get hung-up over that.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    Above average in fact. Wasn't TGIF for Jesus, back in the day though. I wonder if he'd be pissed that people call it "Good" Friday. I expect he'd be more like "worst friday ever".

  • YasserArraFeck

    You nailed it

  • LabRodent

    Boooyaah!

  • DashboardBuddha

    P.O.E.T.S.

    Piss on everything…tomorrow's Saturday.

  • CapeClod

    If I hang out with some friends, does that count as honoring Good Friday?

  • tessiee

    "I wonder if he'd be pissed that people call it "Good" Friday."

    I remember when I was in Sunday school, and somebody in my class asked why they didn't call it "Bad Friday".

  • ArmoredBore

    Jesus died had a really bad weekend for our sins.

  • DashboardBuddha

    And a good day to you, Sir!

  • OneDollarJuana

    Good Grief!

  • horsedreamer_1

    The spirit of Reagan is strong in you.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Only if you don't wake up until Sunday morning, feeling like you got crucified. (That would be a good Friday night.)

  • tessiee

    Good golly, Miss Molly!