ho's and money

Sexy John Ensign Resigns!

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And ladies, he's a *veterinarian* ...Corrupt horndog John Ensign is quitting on May 3 as Nevada’s “other senator,” because the Ethics Investigation against him is about to pull out some really slimy dealings. Good-bye, John! You were a terrible senator and you continue to be a terrible man. But why May 3? There’s got to be either a financial reason for this, or it’s when one of his affair gals is freed up for one of those Sandals all-inclusive island vacations. So much sexytime! Try to stop him now, Harry Reid!

Ensign said in his statement released tonight: “For my family and me, this continued personal cost is simply too great.” And by family, he means, “Any broad I feel like banging and then putting her husband on the government payroll to shut him up.” Because that’s what he did:

Ensign has admitted to having an affair with Cindy Hampton, a campaign aide and the wife of Ensign’s former chief of staff, Doug Hampton. Investigators are looking into efforts by Ensign to assist the Hampton family by providing a nearly $100,000 payment to them, arranging lobbying work for Doug Hampton, and possibly meeting with Doug Hampton on a lobbying matter in violation of Senate rules.

Life is good for the rich!

[CNN]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • WinterOuthouse

    About time that horny bastard got the boot

  • DownFist Troll

    Haw-Haw!

  • WinterOuthouse

    Republican = Horny Hypocrite fuckin' anything with an available hole.

    • ttommyunger

      Horny is one thing. Terminally stupid is a whores of a different color.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Might want to get that checked out by a urologist.

        • ttommyunger

          Or two.

  • glamourdammerung

    He wants to be able to spend more time with other people's families.

    • gullywompr

      Damn it, ya beat me to it.

    • HistoriCat

      Spending time with other people's families is a solid Republican value – whether in mom's vagina before childbirth or forcing grandma to move in because she can't afford to live on her own, Republicans want your family to have their values.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I hear he is being replaced with a dildo. Both in the senate and at home.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      It's true. The dildo's name will be Dean Heller.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Not sorry to seen Ensign go. Typical vile, corrupt, entitled rich white guy. Fuck him.

      But that hair! Damn, that is sure one senatorial head of hair; of which the citizens of Nevada can justly be proud. Can't they just let his hair stay in his position, until the end of his term?

      • emmelemm

        I made the same comment somewhere up in here. :) Dude has quality, Senatorial hair. Aaaaand… that's about it.

      • ZombieForceD

        Unfortunately, John Ensign's hair is already under scrutiny for hiking on the Appalachian Trail with Burt Reynold's toupee.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Damn. Hair that perfect, you knew there had to be some gay thing going on. Wonder if the Senator ever found out what was going on behind his back?

      • Arken

        Between Blagojevich and Ensign, I think that it's obvious that men with such elegantly coiffed pompadours are not to be trusted.

  • pinkocommi

    I take it this story is a news because it is a Republican sex scandal that does not involve meth-addicted gay prostitutes, underage gay interns, or a wide-stance.

    • finallyhappy

      It's because a Rep is resigning over something not involving one of those things- although it took long enough –
      so maybe there is a boy/man involved.

    • mormos

      doesn't involve meth-addicted gay prostitutes, underage gay interns, or a wide-stance SO FAR!

  • BarackMyWorld

    I'm really hoping someone on Fox News rushes to this guy's defense but I don't think any one is going to.

    Who am I kidding….they'll probably just put a "D" after his name and condemn him even harder.

    • mormos

      that's the thing about repubs, they eat their own.

  • emmelemm

    Good riddance to bad rubbish? Yep yep.

  • bumfug

    Don't let the door hit ya in the ass, ya Ted Baxter-lookin' bowl of fuck.

    • LowProfileinGA

      Unfair to Ted.

      • gullywompr

        Ted Libel!

      • bumfug

        Jesus, Ted Baxter is a fictional character – like a Compassionate Conservative.

        • PuckStopsHere

          Outstanding!

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      He looks like the unholy love-child of Ted Baxter and Sam Malone.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya
    • Dudleydidwrong

      Shit! I watched that whole bit of film and no one–no one–ran up and hit her in the face with a cream pie. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the waste of a good opportunity.

    • horsedreamer_1

      If Sandoval could appoint the replacement, I'm sure he would put Obtuse Angle or Chickens for Treatment Lowden in there.

  • not that Dewey

    John Resign? Is that how you pronounce it?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Just like Lou Sarah. Oh shit I mentioned Bible Spice, the Palinestias will be descending like the biblical locusts they are.

      • tessiee

        Anti-Semite!

        • not that Dewey

          Wait until the Lebanese find out. He'll be a homophobe, too.

      • Fukui_sanYesOta

        It's like saying Candyman into a mirror, except in this case what appears is not a bloodthirsty murderer but instead a plague of dead-eyed illiterates and a free copy of "Going Rogue"

      • not that Dewey

        I don't think they know about the "Lou Sarah" moniker. We can probably use that with impunity.

        That being said, YOU NEVER GO FULL BIBLE-SPICE

        • emmelemm

          It's like sekrit code!!

  • Texan_Bulldog

    $100,000?! Heck, he's got good hair & all his teeth; maybe I should give him my phone number. (Okay, not really…that might be the liquor talking.)

  • lefty74

    After more than a year? Something changed?
    No, he's just a crooked lying piece of shit!

  • BZ1

    Didn't his mom bail him out with a payoff?

  • nounverb911

    "But why May 3? "
    His new job as a casino greeter doesn't start until the 4th.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      "Welcome to Trump Atlantic City. I love you."

  • DownFist Troll

    And Say Hello to the newest-totally-not-racist Senatron, Sharon Angle!!

  • Callyson

    So hard to keep track of these Republican sex scandals…Ensign's was so tame his does not even make this list: http://www.dkosopedia.com/wiki/Examples_of_Republ

    • bflrtsplk

      That's a pretty long list.

  • nounverb911

    Which overly qualified person will be appointed to take his place?

    • tessiee

      That leotard from Wisconsin with all the DUIs that just quit his 80K do-nothing job?

    • LetUsBray

      Hitler?

      Oh, wait, this isn't one of those rhetorical questions, is it?

  • JoshuaNorton

    It's like he was an artist and asshat was his medium.

    • emmelemm

      That's so good, I might have to steal it.

      • angryclownspawn

        I am totally stealing it!

    • tessiee

      "It's like he was an artist and asshat was his medium. "

      *sniff*
      That's beautiful.
      *wipes away a tear*

    • Radio_Level_7

      No one ever called Pablo Picasso an asshat!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Oh yes they did. Just under their breath, in Spanish, French, Italian and other languages of the continent. Dude did not treat his ladies very well, a lot of the time.

        • Radio_Level_7

          Oh caveman, thanks for the piece of humble pie. I actually thought, erroneously, my comment was funny. Tough crowd this Wonkette Comedy Club.
          Que sera, fucking sera.

          • Mumbletypeg

            FWIW I think that song is hilarious.

          • Radio_Level_7

            It figures I would get reaffirmation from you, my cubist friend. And I doubt after May 8th (tickets secured), I'll call Pablo an asshat.

          • Doktor Zoom

            Nobody puts Pablo in a corner!

        • AngryGeometer

          Not in New York. Not like you.

        • Guppy06

          I thought that was kind of expected of continental artists. Besides, nothing fuels "I can change him!" fantasies like the tortured artist.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Still waiting on word from the Vitter camp.

    *AHEM*

    VITTER, ARE YOU LISTENING?!

    • nounverb911

      Sorry, he's out having his diaper changed.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Yeah, we can trash Vitter now that Huggies have pulled their ads. Let's lay it on.

      Did you hear the one about Vitter, the alligator, the Slip 'n Slide™, and 25 gallons of BP crude Wesson oil?

      • tessiee

        There are some things even an alligator won't eat.

      • Negropolis

        Oh boy, can we start a campaign that'd send hundreds of huggies to Vitter's DC office?

        • horsedreamer_1

          It would be like Abbie Hoffman making it rain at NYSE.

          Except with a point.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Campaign slogan: "A diaper shitter but he's no quitter!"

  • Blendergoathead

    Does this count as the most expensive night(s) with a whore on record? Senatorial career, and $100k to boot?

    • Mahousu

      I'm sure he'll be pulling in significantly more as a lobbyist than a senator, and that $100K wasn't his. So he actually ended up getting quite a bargain.

  • Guppy06

    So much for my job-hunting scheme that involved getting a wife with loose morals and low standards.

    • angryclownspawn

      And also for my plans for putting my husband back to work.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I am shocked at this decision, especially after his parents wrote the following letter to all of his constituents:

    Dear People of Nevada,

    Please forgive our son diddling his office staff. He was worried he was gay, and had to prove to himself he wasn't. It won't happen again.

    Signed,

    Ensign's Mother.

  • widget2011

    Man that bitch was expensive.

  • NYNYNY

    I always liked this story, as far as straight-sex stories go. I sort of like how it was his parents writing the checks, and one of the checks was made out to one of the Hampton's kids, if I remember. Like, let's get everyone involved, in a really half-hearted attempt at being sneaky.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Is there something just inherently creepy and weird about this family, or is it just me?

      • Negropolis

        Both of the families involved are creepy as hell. Like was said, the Hamptons even had their kids involved in this.

  • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

    He'll be running for president in a few years because those who learn from Gingrich's history are doomed to repeat it.

  • Warpde

    Hey, I'm looking for a job.
    Is it too late to let him fuck my wife?

    • emmelemm

      Indecent Proposal FTW.

      Ensign is a poor substitute for Robert Redford, but at least he has quality, Senatorial hair.

    • PuckStopsHere

      Nobody's going to pay $1,000,000 to bang Mrs. Puck once , but how about $20 50,000 times? (Totally stole this joke and am using it here w/out permission–much less my wife's approval.)

      • jus_wonderin

        LOL. That's all I got……

  • unclejeems

    Um, is the governor of Nevada Republican? Is Sharron Angle the new junior senator from Nevada?

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Yeah, we have an anti-tax 'pub governor. He's prolly going to appoint Dean Heller, who is a congressman who was also running for Ensign's seat. Sharrrrron was already running to fill Heller's seat. After Heller vacates, there will be a special election, prolly no primary, just a free-for-all. Believe it or not, Sharrrrron isn't all that popular here, but that seat has never gone to a Democrat, either. Gonna be interesting.

    • Negropolis

      No, even Republican MexiGuv isn't that crazy.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Don't worry: we didn't think he was loco.

        Only membranically insane.

  • arihaya

    he isn't resigning … Senate GOPs expelled him because his affair is so damn boring..

    no wide stance, no transvestite on Craiglist, no horse picture mail etc .. oh pleasee

  • Doktor Zoom

    "Senator John Ensign" anagrams to "Neatens John's Groin." Or "Enjoins thong snare," though I really don't want to think of that.

  • Lucidamente1

    Well, May 3 is Levi Johnston's birthday.

    • Barb

      I am fascinated to know how you know this.

      • Lucidamente1

        Sorry to disappoint–it's the wikipedia, not me.

        • Barb

          I'm still impressed. My only superpower is I never forget birth dates.

          • jus_wonderin

            I forgot my ex wife's birthday once confusing it with my mothers.

            Freud has since requested I visit for an hour.

  • Warpde

    OT Has anyone seen this one. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/21/911-resp
    There are no words.

    • [redacted]hse

      I can't look because I swore off HuffPo the instant I read about the sale to AOL. I saw it coming, though; I knew something was in the air about a year ago when the heavy censoring began and I got banned (Moi? lol).

    • yyyaz

      Oh there are plenty of words: chickenshit-licking Koch whores comes to mind. Give me five minutes of mano a mano with Rep. Cliff Stearns, though, and there would be no words needed.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      Anybody getting anything for "free"=terrist

    • DystopiaLite

      holy sheeet! talk about adding insult to injury

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “This is absurd,” said Glen Kline, a former NYPD emergency services officer. “It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s asinine.” That about sums up the whole GOP. But sticking it to first responders takes it to the "bat-shit insane" level. Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) should be provided with cement boots and made into an artificial reef.

      • DystopiaLite

        not only Stearns — Rethug from NY, Peter King voted against it & he had people in is own district die on 9/11…and how many millions is he wasting on his Islamic witch hunt hearings??????

    • BeWoot

      These douchebags are are a special kind of dim and will probably be surprised when this kinda shit comes back to haunt them in 2012.

      • glamourdammerung

        Considering how much of their moral and intellectual bankruptcy has never come back on them yet, I am not going to hold any proverbial breath there.

    • ThundercatHo

      How about a special episode of "Rescue Me" where Tommy (Denis Leary's character) beats the living shit out of this guy and then they run over him with a fire truck.

    • Steverino247

      I'd say Florida just stopped being a vacation spot for 9/11 responders and anybody else who cares.

  • CountryClubJihadi

    He needs a day to rest up before Juanita's Donkey Show in Tijuana on Cinco De Mayo.

    • DahBoner

      # WINNING

  • [redacted]hse

    "Johnnie, We Hardly..", oh, never mind. Eat shit, Ensign, you fucking REPUBLICAN!!
    heh.

  • gullywompr

    You people are sick! HOW DARE YOU attack a ….

    Oh wait, wrong person with "special needs". Apologies. Carry on.

  • waitforsugar

    With apologies to Bruce McCulloch: I look at Mr. Douchebaggery and it's like, "Who would fuck you?"

  • Beetagger

    His hair still has gravitas, no matter what his pecker does.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Finally there is someone so fucked that living in the C Street House can't fix him up.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I still want to know what was going on at the C Street Boys Club between him and Spooky Doktor Tom that caused Coburn to claim patient/doctor confidentiality. Esp. since Doktor Tom is an ob/gyn.

      Maybe the Ethics panel was demanding the results of Ensign's pap smear?

  • fuflans

    shit happens.

  • AJW@[redacted]

    That was our former (R)governor Gibbons.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Just another slow news Frid—-WHAT THE FUCK?? Eat shit, Ensign. Eat shit on toast. And here's something to wash it down with…

  • glamourdammerung

    This is good news for Senator Coburn.

    Actually, it probably is not.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      It's a sad thing but spooky Dr. Tom is quickly becoming one of the sane senators.

      • DustBowlBlues

        Nah.

  • Schmannnity

    Maybe his parents are paying for an early retirement.

  • Chillwaver

    I'm sure he'll make one hell of a Lobbyist.

    • DustBowlBlues

      He's oily and creepy enough to be one. One of those Repubiitqards who's one more button unbuttoned and a thick chain necklace short of classis lounge lizard.

  • Sassomatic

    This proves Obama is morally weak.

  • Hatrabbit

    If you substitute the word 'Herpes' every time he says 'Family' over the next few weeks, this will all be much more fun.

  • Not_So_Much

    What a total douchenozzle.

    Poor Doug Hampton, loyal Girl Friday that he is, supports this fuckstick who then bangs his wife. Pays Doug and wife nearly a $100k of daddy's $ to keep quiet. Not enough, so he lines broken, humiliated Doug up with a gig or two. Doug's had enough and leaks the story. The guy who ruined his life (wife?) strolls off into the sunset, still rich, and Dougie is possibly up for indictment. Bad run of luck Doug….

  • Negropolis

    Sexy? That's a very flattering picture of him. I'm surprised by how old the guys looks on television for being 53, to be honest.

    • El Pinche

      Yeah, I'd hit it ….with a pineapple dildo up his C-street.

  • metamarcisf

    Something stinks in here. What's his Angle?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Shall we all just run up the white flag and petition Ken to change the name of the wonket to wonkettepuns.com?

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    “For my family and me, this continued personal cost is simply too great.” So Mumsy and Dada quit paying the hush monies huh John?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    What's he gonna do, NOT bang the hot broad? Or something?

    • Negropolis

      Yeah, I mean, really, what do you guys expect for this man to do? Everybody bangs their help.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Another "family-values" Republican bites the dust, or was he a RINO all along. Now does Governor Sandoval (the Cuban trumpet player? sounds Hispanic to me) appoint himself or flip a coin between Gibbons and Angle?

    • Negropolis

      A Gibbons is a type of monkey, right?

      • Slim_Pickins

        How dare you call the former Nevada governor a monkey. He's white, after all.

        • Negropolis

          I love that Gibbons was brought up. He's another Nevada Republican dick that can't keep his dick in his pants.

  • metamarcisf

    I never post links but this is our chance as fair-minded citizens to support Trig Palin against all those hard-hearted cretins who think the developmentally disabled are fair game for the left wing neo-communist pot smoking minority.
    http://www.breitbart.tv/crowder-hitting-back-at-b

    • carlgt1

      HAHA yeah Breitbart, that fat ass is always helping the disabled and the poor oppressed masses!

    • El Pinche

      Brietheart, Defender of the Severely and Irreversibly Disabled, FREEEEEEEDOMM!!

      What a fucking an alcoholic raging douchebag.

    • DashboardBuddha

      As tempting as it is to post something like, "Oh poor trig. That poor sweet gentle child. I can't stand the way his mother pimps him out like he was some kind of key to success. Many people with Down's Syndrome do live happy and productive lives, but it's still a disability…a disability compounded by a fame grabbing quitter mother. It just makes you cry. Happy birthday, Trig. You're a special little boy. We all love you. I'm praying your mother doesn't make your life too miserable."

      …but I don't want any more Briefarts "following me".

  • zappadoo76

    Old Doug Hampton, Cindy's whoremaster hubby, made some pretty good pimping money on this deal. Congrats, Doug! With the help of Mrs. Doug, you have created your own moral character. When I look at your pic, I think of Sartre's remark that a man over 40 is responsible for his face.

  • ttommyunger

    This big dumb cunt looks like every State Farm Agent I ever saw on a fucking billboard.

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      "Like a good neighbor, State Farm does your wife!"

      • ttommyunger

        Your woman's tits are in good hands with…no wait, that's Allstate!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    His family better be doing some big time apologizing!

  • AngryGeometer

    He may be only be an Ensign in name, but he will always be the Rear Admiral of my heart. He's the bigamest!

    • mereoblivion

      "Yeah, well, it's awfully big o' ME, too!"
      (Doesn't really work here, but almost . . . )

  • GregComlish

    Who is John Ensign?

    • Negropolis

      This is Wonkette, not Jeopardy.

  • Ms_E_Abernathy

    The bbc.com headline on this: "US Sex Pay Probe Senator Resigns." His honorary title from now on should be (former) Senator Sex Pay Probe.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Ensign's vacation in the Hamptons is finally over.

    • Negropolis

      I have a feeling he had a lay-over on Fire Island, too.

  • fuflans

    who thinks it's a good idea to put a veterinarian in congress? i mean i love my vet, but still, i wouldn't vote for her.

    • emmelemm

      I love my vet and I'd gladly vote for him.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Well, Ensign seems to be good at handling pussies. (sorry)

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Duh, he's obviously waiting until May 3 so he can keep his health coverage for the rest of the month.

    • finallyhappy

      While I doubt the rules are the same for POS senators(as they don't have to work 35 years+ for a pension), in the old civil service system(of which I am a member), the 3rd of the month is the last day to retire and get paid beginning the first of the next month- while also getting the max(3 days) of pay for the current month.

  • SorosBot

    Hey, since it's the night before a three-day weekend I'm impressed that …In many of you are not-drunk enough to make sense. I'm just drunk enough to start rambling; like about Power Rangers. The best theme song was for Jungle Fury; while the best show is probably the post-apocalyptic RPM, with ..In Space and Time Force getting honorable mention.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    You know, most cuckolds do not get the kind of revenge that involves expulsion from the U.S. Senate.

    Most of us only get to administer a thorough ass kicking. And then get charged with assault, because we failed to properly induce the requisite attack, and got tired of looking at that smug fucking face while trying, until we just pushed it in.

    • smashaduck

      It's lose lose. The assault rap just amplified that smug grin. But it did feel good for a minute or two.

  • fuflans

    i just keep cursoring over the google earth day doodle.

    over and over and over.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      It's nice but where are the rodents?

  • obfuscator2

    now boehner has to create one more job.

  • Negropolis

    This is why we need more upper-income tax breaks, y'all. Pimpin' aint' easy; how else are politicians to fund their sexy-time dalliances and subsequent pay-offs? What are you guys? A bunch of fucking commies? It's time to cut taxes, again…for freedom!

    • El Pinche

      Why don't Leftists see that C-Street pimps create Jobs…every time these Patriots squirt their Baby Miracle Whip into their socialized condoms, an non-Union DC escort gets her Capitalism.

      • Radio_Level_7

        It's just good to see they are using condoms.
        (And, that milquetoast comment made it past the administrator.)
        After Jack getting flamed by Britefart and Olbermann– but isn't any publicity, good publicity? — he can be a new media darling.
        Go Jack, we got your back.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          It's just good to see they are using condoms

          But with Ensign isn't it likely they would fall off his uh, er, mini me?

  • jus_wonderin

    John. John. John. You would have been able to keep your position if, if, you had only dated Doug.

    And, 100K? Wow. My "wife" is available.

  • widget2011

    Here is a neat "trick for all": Every time elections are held, just listen what your favorite (!?) republican has to say , then insert the opposite of that, and you will see what they actually mean.

    Here is an example: We know, for a fact, that there are (NOT) weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

    and another: The United States is not (IS) into nation building.

    and: I believe in (do not) states rights.

    and again: These hippies who use drugs should be put into prison, and then we should throw away the key. (except for me)

    The hypocracy is astounding. Here is one it does'nt work on: Al Quada is doing everything they can to harm the United States, and so are we.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Quitter!

  • horsedreamer_1
  • jus_wonderin

    Take a minute to tell Sen. Ensign what you think of him.
    http://ensign.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?FuseAct

    I told him I was glad he was out of the Senate. And more….

  • MrFizzy

    He's the one with the hairy reed.

  • DashboardBuddha

    In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.
    Marlene Dietrich

    • horsedreamer_1

      "Well, fuck… me… kitten — you are wild".

      — Wm. S. Burroughs

      (As heard on the surprisingly awesome soundtrack for The X-Files teevee show.)

  • hagajim

    Little Johnny's only crime was that he slipped his little willie into a woman…what in the hell is the Republican party coming to? Lindsey was furious.

  • jonzin

    He's leaving to spend more time with his family. And by family, I mean hookers at the Bunny Ranch.

  • owhatever

    Another turd in the streets of the Shining City on the Hill.