ho's and money

Sexy John Ensign Resigns!

And ladies, he's a *veterinarian* ...Corrupt horndog John Ensign is quitting on May 3 as Nevada’s “other senator,” because the Ethics Investigation against him is about to pull out some really slimy dealings. Good-bye, John! You were a terrible senator and you continue to be a terrible man. But why May 3? There’s got to be either a financial reason for this, or it’s when one of his affair gals is freed up for one of those Sandals all-inclusive island vacations. So much sexytime! Try to stop him now, Harry Reid!

Ensign said in his statement released tonight: “For my family and me, this continued personal cost is simply too great.” And by family, he means, “Any broad I feel like banging and then putting her husband on the government payroll to shut him up.” Because that’s what he did:

Ensign has admitted to having an affair with Cindy Hampton, a campaign aide and the wife of Ensign’s former chief of staff, Doug Hampton. Investigators are looking into efforts by Ensign to assist the Hampton family by providing a nearly $100,000 payment to them, arranging lobbying work for Doug Hampton, and possibly meeting with Doug Hampton on a lobbying matter in violation of Senate rules.

Life is good for the rich!


About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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    1. HistoriCat

      Spending time with other people's families is a solid Republican value – whether in mom's vagina before childbirth or forcing grandma to move in because she can't afford to live on her own, Republicans want your family to have their values.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Not sorry to seen Ensign go. Typical vile, corrupt, entitled rich white guy. Fuck him.

      But that hair! Damn, that is sure one senatorial head of hair; of which the citizens of Nevada can justly be proud. Can't they just let his hair stay in his position, until the end of his term?

      1. emmelemm

        I made the same comment somewhere up in here. :) Dude has quality, Senatorial hair. Aaaaand… that's about it.

      2. ZombieForceD

        Unfortunately, John Ensign's hair is already under scrutiny for hiking on the Appalachian Trail with Burt Reynold's toupee.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Damn. Hair that perfect, you knew there had to be some gay thing going on. Wonder if the Senator ever found out what was going on behind his back?

      3. Arken

        Between Blagojevich and Ensign, I think that it's obvious that men with such elegantly coiffed pompadours are not to be trusted.

  1. pinkocommi

    I take it this story is a news because it is a Republican sex scandal that does not involve meth-addicted gay prostitutes, underage gay interns, or a wide-stance.

    1. finallyhappy

      It's because a Rep is resigning over something not involving one of those things- although it took long enough –
      so maybe there is a boy/man involved.

    2. mormos

      doesn't involve meth-addicted gay prostitutes, underage gay interns, or a wide-stance SO FAR!

  2. BarackMyWorld

    I'm really hoping someone on Fox News rushes to this guy's defense but I don't think any one is going to.

    Who am I kidding….they'll probably just put a "D" after his name and condemn him even harder.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Shit! I watched that whole bit of film and no one–no one–ran up and hit her in the face with a cream pie. Oh, the humanity. Oh, the waste of a good opportunity.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      If Sandoval could appoint the replacement, I'm sure he would put Obtuse Angle or Chickens for Treatment Lowden in there.

    1. weejee

      Just like Lou Sarah. Oh shit I mentioned Bible Spice, the Palinestias will be descending like the biblical locusts they are.

      1. Fukui_sanYesOta

        It's like saying Candyman into a mirror, except in this case what appears is not a bloodthirsty murderer but instead a plague of dead-eyed illiterates and a free copy of "Going Rogue"

      2. not that Dewey

        I don't think they know about the "Lou Sarah" moniker. We can probably use that with impunity.

        That being said, YOU NEVER GO FULL BIBLE-SPICE

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    $100,000?! Heck, he's got good hair & all his teeth; maybe I should give him my phone number. (Okay, not really…that might be the liquor talking.)

    1. tessiee

      "It's like he was an artist and asshat was his medium. "

      That's beautiful.
      *wipes away a tear*

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Oh yes they did. Just under their breath, in Spanish, French, Italian and other languages of the continent. Dude did not treat his ladies very well, a lot of the time.

        1. Radio_Level_7

          Oh caveman, thanks for the piece of humble pie. I actually thought, erroneously, my comment was funny. Tough crowd this Wonkette Comedy Club.
          Que sera, fucking sera.

          1. Radio_Level_7

            It figures I would get reaffirmation from you, my cubist friend. And I doubt after May 8th (tickets secured), I'll call Pablo an asshat.

        2. Guppy06

          I thought that was kind of expected of continental artists. Besides, nothing fuels "I can change him!" fantasies like the tortured artist.

    1. weejee

      Yeah, we can trash Vitter now that Huggies have pulled their ads. Let's lay it on.

      Did you hear the one about Vitter, the alligator, the Slip 'n Slide™, and 25 gallons of BP crude Wesson oil?

  4. Blendergoathead

    Does this count as the most expensive night(s) with a whore on record? Senatorial career, and $100k to boot?

    1. Mahousu

      I'm sure he'll be pulling in significantly more as a lobbyist than a senator, and that $100K wasn't his. So he actually ended up getting quite a bargain.

  5. Guppy06

    So much for my job-hunting scheme that involved getting a wife with loose morals and low standards.

  6. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I am shocked at this decision, especially after his parents wrote the following letter to all of his constituents:

    Dear People of Nevada,

    Please forgive our son diddling his office staff. He was worried he was gay, and had to prove to himself he wasn't. It won't happen again.


    Ensign's Mother.


    I always liked this story, as far as straight-sex stories go. I sort of like how it was his parents writing the checks, and one of the checks was made out to one of the Hampton's kids, if I remember. Like, let's get everyone involved, in a really half-hearted attempt at being sneaky.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Is there something just inherently creepy and weird about this family, or is it just me?

      1. Negropolis

        Both of the families involved are creepy as hell. Like was said, the Hamptons even had their kids involved in this.

    1. emmelemm

      Indecent Proposal FTW.

      Ensign is a poor substitute for Robert Redford, but at least he has quality, Senatorial hair.

    2. PuckStopsHere

      Nobody's going to pay $1,000,000 to bang Mrs. Puck once , but how about $20 50,000 times? (Totally stole this joke and am using it here w/out permission–much less my wife's approval.)

  8. unclejeems

    Um, is the governor of Nevada Republican? Is Sharron Angle the new junior senator from Nevada?

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      Yeah, we have an anti-tax 'pub governor. He's prolly going to appoint Dean Heller, who is a congressman who was also running for Ensign's seat. Sharrrrron was already running to fill Heller's seat. After Heller vacates, there will be a special election, prolly no primary, just a free-for-all. Believe it or not, Sharrrrron isn't all that popular here, but that seat has never gone to a Democrat, either. Gonna be interesting.

  9. arihaya

    he isn't resigning … Senate GOPs expelled him because his affair is so damn boring..

    no wide stance, no transvestite on Craiglist, no horse picture mail etc .. oh pleasee

  10. Doktor Zoom

    "Senator John Ensign" anagrams to "Neatens John's Groin." Or "Enjoins thong snare," though I really don't want to think of that.

          1. jus_wonderin

            I forgot my ex wife's birthday once confusing it with my mothers.

            Freud has since requested I visit for an hour.

    1. [redacted]hse

      I can't look because I swore off HuffPo the instant I read about the sale to AOL. I saw it coming, though; I knew something was in the air about a year ago when the heavy censoring began and I got banned (Moi? lol).

    2. yyyaz

      Oh there are plenty of words: chickenshit-licking Koch whores comes to mind. Give me five minutes of mano a mano with Rep. Cliff Stearns, though, and there would be no words needed.

    3. Dudleydidwrong

      “This is absurd,” said Glen Kline, a former NYPD emergency services officer. “It’s silly. It’s stupid. It’s asinine.” That about sums up the whole GOP. But sticking it to first responders takes it to the "bat-shit insane" level. Rep. Cliff Stearns (R-FL) should be provided with cement boots and made into an artificial reef.

      1. DystopiaLite

        not only Stearns — Rethug from NY, Peter King voted against it & he had people in is own district die on 9/11…and how many millions is he wasting on his Islamic witch hunt hearings??????

    4. BeWoot

      These douchebags are are a special kind of dim and will probably be surprised when this kinda shit comes back to haunt them in 2012.

      1. glamourdammerung

        Considering how much of their moral and intellectual bankruptcy has never come back on them yet, I am not going to hold any proverbial breath there.

    5. ThundercatHo

      How about a special episode of "Rescue Me" where Tommy (Denis Leary's character) beats the living shit out of this guy and then they run over him with a fire truck.

    6. Steverino247

      I'd say Florida just stopped being a vacation spot for 9/11 responders and anybody else who cares.

  11. CountryClubJihadi

    He needs a day to rest up before Juanita's Donkey Show in Tijuana on Cinco De Mayo.

  12. [redacted]hse

    "Johnnie, We Hardly..", oh, never mind. Eat shit, Ensign, you fucking REPUBLICAN!!

  13. gullywompr

    You people are sick! HOW DARE YOU attack a ….

    Oh wait, wrong person with "special needs". Apologies. Carry on.

  14. waitforsugar

    With apologies to Bruce McCulloch: I look at Mr. Douchebaggery and it's like, "Who would fuck you?"

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I still want to know what was going on at the C Street Boys Club between him and Spooky Doktor Tom that caused Coburn to claim patient/doctor confidentiality. Esp. since Doktor Tom is an ob/gyn.

      Maybe the Ethics panel was demanding the results of Ensign's pap smear?

    1. DustBowlBlues

      He's oily and creepy enough to be one. One of those Repubiitqards who's one more button unbuttoned and a thick chain necklace short of classis lounge lizard.

  15. Hatrabbit

    If you substitute the word 'Herpes' every time he says 'Family' over the next few weeks, this will all be much more fun.

  16. Not_So_Much

    What a total douchenozzle.

    Poor Doug Hampton, loyal Girl Friday that he is, supports this fuckstick who then bangs his wife. Pays Doug and wife nearly a $100k of daddy's $ to keep quiet. Not enough, so he lines broken, humiliated Doug up with a gig or two. Doug's had enough and leaks the story. The guy who ruined his life (wife?) strolls off into the sunset, still rich, and Dougie is possibly up for indictment. Bad run of luck Doug….

  17. Negropolis

    Sexy? That's a very flattering picture of him. I'm surprised by how old the guys looks on television for being 53, to be honest.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Shall we all just run up the white flag and petition Ken to change the name of the wonket to wonkettepuns.com?

    1. Negropolis

      Yeah, I mean, really, what do you guys expect for this man to do? Everybody bangs their help.

  18. Slim_Pickins

    Another "family-values" Republican bites the dust, or was he a RINO all along. Now does Governor Sandoval (the Cuban trumpet player? sounds Hispanic to me) appoint himself or flip a coin between Gibbons and Angle?

        1. Negropolis

          I love that Gibbons was brought up. He's another Nevada Republican dick that can't keep his dick in his pants.

    1. carlgt1

      HAHA yeah Breitbart, that fat ass is always helping the disabled and the poor oppressed masses!

    2. El Pinche

      Brietheart, Defender of the Severely and Irreversibly Disabled, FREEEEEEEDOMM!!

      What a fucking an alcoholic raging douchebag.

    3. DashboardBuddha

      As tempting as it is to post something like, "Oh poor trig. That poor sweet gentle child. I can't stand the way his mother pimps him out like he was some kind of key to success. Many people with Down's Syndrome do live happy and productive lives, but it's still a disability…a disability compounded by a fame grabbing quitter mother. It just makes you cry. Happy birthday, Trig. You're a special little boy. We all love you. I'm praying your mother doesn't make your life too miserable."

      …but I don't want any more Briefarts "following me".

  19. zappadoo76

    Old Doug Hampton, Cindy's whoremaster hubby, made some pretty good pimping money on this deal. Congrats, Doug! With the help of Mrs. Doug, you have created your own moral character. When I look at your pic, I think of Sartre's remark that a man over 40 is responsible for his face.

  20. AngryGeometer

    He may be only be an Ensign in name, but he will always be the Rear Admiral of my heart. He's the bigamest!

    1. mereoblivion

      "Yeah, well, it's awfully big o' ME, too!"
      (Doesn't really work here, but almost . . . )

  21. Ms_E_Abernathy

    The bbc.com headline on this: "US Sex Pay Probe Senator Resigns." His honorary title from now on should be (former) Senator Sex Pay Probe.

  22. fuflans

    who thinks it's a good idea to put a veterinarian in congress? i mean i love my vet, but still, i wouldn't vote for her.

    1. finallyhappy

      While I doubt the rules are the same for POS senators(as they don't have to work 35 years+ for a pension), in the old civil service system(of which I am a member), the 3rd of the month is the last day to retire and get paid beginning the first of the next month- while also getting the max(3 days) of pay for the current month.

  23. SorosBot

    Hey, since it's the night before a three-day weekend I'm impressed that …In many of you are not-drunk enough to make sense. I'm just drunk enough to start rambling; like about Power Rangers. The best theme song was for Jungle Fury; while the best show is probably the post-apocalyptic RPM, with ..In Space and Time Force getting honorable mention.

  24. slowhansolo

    You know, most cuckolds do not get the kind of revenge that involves expulsion from the U.S. Senate.

    Most of us only get to administer a thorough ass kicking. And then get charged with assault, because we failed to properly induce the requisite attack, and got tired of looking at that smug fucking face while trying, until we just pushed it in.

    1. smashaduck

      It's lose lose. The assault rap just amplified that smug grin. But it did feel good for a minute or two.

  25. Negropolis

    This is why we need more upper-income tax breaks, y'all. Pimpin' aint' easy; how else are politicians to fund their sexy-time dalliances and subsequent pay-offs? What are you guys? A bunch of fucking commies? It's time to cut taxes, again…for freedom!

    1. El Pinche

      Why don't Leftists see that C-Street pimps create Jobs…every time these Patriots squirt their Baby Miracle Whip into their socialized condoms, an non-Union DC escort gets her Capitalism.

      1. Radio_Level_7

        It's just good to see they are using condoms.
        (And, that milquetoast comment made it past the administrator.)
        After Jack getting flamed by Britefart and Olbermann– but isn't any publicity, good publicity? — he can be a new media darling.
        Go Jack, we got your back.

  26. jus_wonderin

    John. John. John. You would have been able to keep your position if, if, you had only dated Doug.

    And, 100K? Wow. My "wife" is available.

  27. widget2011

    Here is a neat "trick for all": Every time elections are held, just listen what your favorite (!?) republican has to say , then insert the opposite of that, and you will see what they actually mean.

    Here is an example: We know, for a fact, that there are (NOT) weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

    and another: The United States is not (IS) into nation building.

    and: I believe in (do not) states rights.

    and again: These hippies who use drugs should be put into prison, and then we should throw away the key. (except for me)

    The hypocracy is astounding. Here is one it does'nt work on: Al Quada is doing everything they can to harm the United States, and so are we.

  28. DashboardBuddha

    In America, sex is an obsession, in other parts of the world it's a fact.
    Marlene Dietrich

    1. horsedreamer_1

      "Well, fuck… me… kitten — you are wild".

      — Wm. S. Burroughs

      (As heard on the surprisingly awesome soundtrack for The X-Files teevee show.)

  29. hagajim

    Little Johnny's only crime was that he slipped his little willie into a woman…what in the hell is the Republican party coming to? Lindsey was furious.

  30. jonzin

    He's leaving to spend more time with his family. And by family, I mean hookers at the Bunny Ranch.

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