CONEY ISLAND BABY  5:47 pm April 21, 2011

Death Panel Roller Coaster

by Ken Layne

Here’s something, to kill you with, after the Retirement Age is changed to “when you cannot stand up anymore, and your hands are gnarled wads of bone and skin flaps,” and Paul Ryan needs some way to lure you to the Death Panel: Free roller coaster! And it ends in death.

Courtesy of our favorite blog, The Hairpin:

“‘Euthanasia Coaster’ is a hypothetical euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster engineered to humanely – with elegance and euphoria – take the life of a human being. Riding the coaster’s track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.”

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Troubledog April 21, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Logan's Run 2.0

ManchuCandidate April 21, 2011 at 7:50 pm


V572..whatever April 21, 2011 at 5:58 pm

This is the Ken Layne we know and love. You come for the buttßex but stay for the abject despair.

finallyhappy April 21, 2011 at 5:59 pm

RIp-off Logan's Run!!!!!

Doktor Zoom April 21, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Carousel, Roller Coaster, whatevs.

pinkocommi April 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Can't I pretty please retire at 65, if I promise to die by 69?

elviouslyqueer April 21, 2011 at 6:02 pm

You should be so lucky.

/Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman manwich

horsedreamer_1 April 22, 2011 at 9:34 am

What would Joe's rabbi say about that, assuming Lindsey still has ham-biscuit on his breath?

HempDogbane April 21, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I've got my hopes up for a little death by 69 this weekend !

spudgun April 21, 2011 at 7:53 pm


(ok, not really. +1)

widestanceroman April 22, 2011 at 2:07 pm

I've come close to death by 69, but in the end, lived to tell.

edgydrifter April 21, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Anyone who thinks a roller coaster is the best way to shuffle off the old mortal coil is an unimaginative virgin who has never sampled the kind of handjob-from-Jesus hydroponic wonders we produce up here in the PNW.

[redacted]hse April 21, 2011 at 6:30 pm

Then they wouldn't WANNA die.

bumfug April 21, 2011 at 7:33 pm

If they got some of the Cave Junction stuff I sampled back in the day, they wouldn't know if they were dead or not.

Lascauxcaveman April 21, 2011 at 10:23 pm

You can keep your roller coaster. It's my intention to steal a Ferrari, or at least a Corvette when it's time to check out. May or may not be cops involved, they've gotten all pussied out on high-speed chases these days.

CapnFatback April 21, 2011 at 6:03 pm

I've got top people developing the oral sex version of this.

Working title: the R.I.P. BJ!

Barb April 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm

The "gimmee head until I'm dead" plan?

JustPixelz April 21, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Believe it or not, I went on a "gimme head until I'm dead" ride prototype, back in late 2000. I died. And went to Hell. George W Bush was President. He read children's books while Americans were falling from the sky. He flew around New Orleans while Americans were drowning. He looked the other way while banks erased American's lifetime savings. Like I said, it was hell.

Now that I've been reincarnated, I hope I don't die again. Even by oral sex.

MinAgain April 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm


KenLayIsAlive April 21, 2011 at 9:59 pm

The good news is highly trained government employees with years of experience will give these blow jobs. The bad news is the govt. employees are Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

SayItWithWookies April 21, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Aw, crap — I thought this was gonna be about the sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine.

smokefilledroommate April 21, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Sounds fun–I wanna die!!*

*not intended to be a factual statement

MinAgain April 21, 2011 at 6:08 pm

I prefer the Alzheimer Tilt-A-Whirl. Every time you ride it is just as unexpected and thrilling as the first time.

natoslug April 21, 2011 at 6:09 pm

I plan on going out like a real man (or Garp's grand-dad? Coach? Fuck, it's been ages since I read that) and keeling over in the bathroom while stroking off to printed porn. They still print porn, don't they?

sweetcommunist April 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Better that than getting your dick bitten off while parked in the driveway.

natoslug April 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Ouch. I forgot about that bit. Yeah, all things considered, I'd rather die mid-orgasm. As I am not a religious man, the wet suit, noose and butt-plug are optional.

mavenmaven April 21, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Do we have to wear ascots when we ride it? Do they give us those special soylent green crackers to chew on?

CalamityJames April 21, 2011 at 6:21 pm

Aww man, I'm gonna, like, ride that thing sooooo many times!

RedneckMuslin April 21, 2011 at 6:23 pm

Well, since it will be with elegance and euphoria, I'm for it.

DaRooster April 22, 2011 at 10:48 am

Beats sad and destitute… like the road we're on at this point.
It's looking up.

aguacatero April 21, 2011 at 6:24 pm

To take this ride, you must like either the Eagles or Jimmy Buffett.

[redacted]hse April 21, 2011 at 6:32 pm

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Negropolis April 22, 2011 at 3:25 am

I've always loved that joke.

BornInATrailer April 22, 2011 at 11:25 am

I want to leave this world like I came into it: naked, screaming and covered in blood. In a trailer.

nounverb911 April 21, 2011 at 6:35 pm

You can get pretty close to death riding in a taxi cab in Buenos Aires during rush hour.

ShiftyParadigm April 21, 2011 at 6:36 pm

from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.

We have this now. It's called "Life"

Fukui_sanYesOta April 21, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Except that has less euphoria but more angst and drinking.

HistoriCat April 21, 2011 at 7:42 pm

You say angst and drinking like those are bad things.

Lascauxcaveman April 21, 2011 at 10:27 pm

I know from angst. I was in the middle of Seattle, in the middle of the birth of Grunge. I have so little angst these days. But then again, I do so much drinking.

DaRooster April 22, 2011 at 10:49 am


Callyson April 21, 2011 at 6:37 pm

Meh, I'd rather go out with a video and music, a la Soylent Green…

BZ1 April 21, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Where's that nomination form for a Darwin Award?

Lucidamente1 April 21, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Soylent green is people . . . wheeeee!

KeepFnThatChicken April 21, 2011 at 7:06 pm

that looks like a graph suggesting what housing prices look like.

SheriffRoscoe April 21, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Throw in Mark Wahlberg to fingerbang me while we ride the roller coaster of death, and I'm there.

Ken Layne April 21, 2011 at 7:52 pm

You know, I was kind of looking forward to whatever was in that link. But the link just went back here. TALK ABOUT A ROLLER COASTER.

SheriffRoscoe April 21, 2011 at 8:02 pm

Sorry for the HTML fail there. Imma try once more.

Gopherit April 21, 2011 at 7:43 pm

You can achieve that with a good dose of Dilaudid and you won't shit yourself in fear.

Schmannnity April 21, 2011 at 7:51 pm

"motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death."

This sounds a lot like the Howard Dean campaign.

CthuNHu April 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm

Too soon.

ManchuCandidate April 21, 2011 at 7:51 pm

It's sponsored by Soylent Green.

[redacted]hse April 21, 2011 at 9:18 pm

The potent pheno of Jack the Ripper?

DashboardBuddha April 21, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Parent: "Hey kids! We're taking Grammy to the Tragic Kingdom this weekend!"

Kids: Yaaaaaay!!

DashboardBuddha April 21, 2011 at 7:57 pm

I want to be the tough old bird that doesn't die until the 5th or 6th time around.

"Hey bitches…Fuck you, I'm still around. Send me around again!"

AJW@[redacted] April 21, 2011 at 8:08 pm

♪♫Ain't no time to wonder why
yippee, we're all gonna die!♪♫

politics_nerd April 21, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I like this because it sounds like a thing wonkbot might say something about.

politics_nerd April 21, 2011 at 11:10 pm

not to be a one-trick pony.

RhinestoneEater April 21, 2011 at 11:26 pm

So that's what the kids are calling Ryan's Budget Plan!

MadBrahms April 22, 2011 at 12:36 am

"…from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death"

So… a typical experience on "Space Mountain", then.

slowhansolo April 22, 2011 at 1:49 am

Amazing that however-the-fuck many House Republicans recently voted for Sarah's Death Panels.

She's the Oracle of… Oracle of…


Negropolis April 22, 2011 at 3:24 am

Meh. Autoerotic asphyxiation is my preferred form of post-retirement death.

poncho_pilot April 22, 2011 at 4:35 am

my death plan that i've thought about for years goes like this:

1) it'll start with me being crucified on a stage. when they are almost done crucifying me, Rock You Like a Hurricane will start playing on the loudspeakers with the Romans hammering my nails in time.

2) right at the start of the first chorus, the pyros go off and a rocket attached to my neck will shoot my head into the sky and explode in a beautiful display of fireworks. probably the ones that look like watermelons.

3) my crucified body and the cross it's nailed to will begin to pirouette while cannons attached to my crucifix will fire t-shirts into the crowd.

4) then Truckzilla will pull up and eat my flesh and drink my blood.

5) open bar.

Redhead April 22, 2011 at 9:18 am

THIS is how we will end the budget deficit! Instead of humanely euthanizing people with sedatives, similar to how dogs and cats are put to sleep, we will research, develop and build a crazy-complicated roller-coaster ride that will kill them humanely! We're saved!

_DA April 22, 2011 at 10:06 am

This sounds like something National Review would endorse as a replacement for lethal injection.

DaRooster April 22, 2011 at 10:50 am

Got my "E" ticket!

hagajim April 22, 2011 at 10:52 am

Thanks – but no. I think I'll just stay here in good old Oregon where I can get myself a nice lethal injection and go to sleep…..

simplyblue7 April 22, 2011 at 11:04 am

Still manages to beat "It's A Small World" ride at Disney.

jus_wonderin April 22, 2011 at 11:15 am

However it is that I go, let's say a horrible auto accident. Please, fuck, don't put up a tiny cross on the side of the road as a shrine to my death location. Please?

grigoritheocto April 22, 2011 at 6:12 pm

I'm pretty sure that, after that first giant fall, I will have shit myself. And I know that most humans shit themselves before they go, but somehow a roller coaster combined with uncontrollable bowels doesn't sound good, no matter how euphoric the twisty, turny, 50 g-force ending is.

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