coney island baby

Death Panel Roller Coaster

Here’s something, to kill you with, after the Retirement Age is changed to “when you cannot stand up anymore, and your hands are gnarled wads of bone and skin flaps,” and Paul Ryan needs some way to lure you to the Death Panel: Free roller coaster! And it ends in death.

Courtesy of our favorite blog, The Hairpin:

“‘Euthanasia Coaster’ is a hypothetical euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster engineered to humanely – with elegance and euphoria – take the life of a human being. Riding the coaster’s track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Troubledog

    Logan's Run 2.0

    • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      Renew!

  • V572..whatever

    This is the Ken Layne we know and love. You come for the buttßex but stay for the abject despair.

  • finallyhappy

    RIp-off Logan's Run!!!!!

    • Doktor Zoom

      Carousel, Roller Coaster, whatevs.

  • pinkocommi

    Can't I pretty please retire at 65, if I promise to die by 69?

    • elviouslyqueer

      You should be so lucky.

      /Lindsey Graham and Joe Lieberman manwich

      • horsedreamer_1

        What would Joe's rabbi say about that, assuming Lindsey still has ham-biscuit on his breath?

    • HempDogbane

      I've got my hopes up for a little death by 69 this weekend !

      • spudgun

        Eww…

        (ok, not really. +1)

    • widestanceroman

      I've come close to death by 69, but in the end, lived to tell.

  • edgydrifter

    Anyone who thinks a roller coaster is the best way to shuffle off the old mortal coil is an unimaginative virgin who has never sampled the kind of handjob-from-Jesus hydroponic wonders we produce up here in the PNW.

    • [redacted]hse

      Then they wouldn't WANNA die.

      • bumfug

        If they got some of the Cave Junction stuff I sampled back in the day, they wouldn't know if they were dead or not.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      You can keep your roller coaster. It's my intention to steal a Ferrari, or at least a Corvette when it's time to check out. May or may not be cops involved, they've gotten all pussied out on high-speed chases these days.

  • CapnFatback

    I've got top people developing the oral sex version of this.

    Working title: the R.I.P. BJ!

    • Barb

      The "gimmee head until I'm dead" plan?

      • http://www.storycorner.us/ JustPixelz

        Believe it or not, I went on a "gimme head until I'm dead" ride prototype, back in late 2000. I died. And went to Hell. George W Bush was President. He read children's books while Americans were falling from the sky. He flew around New Orleans while Americans were drowning. He looked the other way while banks erased American's lifetime savings. Like I said, it was hell.

        Now that I've been reincarnated, I hope I don't die again. Even by oral sex.

    • MinAgain

      Dude.

    • http://www.kenlayisalive.org KenLayIsAlive

      The good news is highly trained government employees with years of experience will give these blow jobs. The bad news is the govt. employees are Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Aw, crap — I thought this was gonna be about the sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Sounds fun–I wanna die!!*

    *not intended to be a factual statement

  • MinAgain

    I prefer the Alzheimer Tilt-A-Whirl. Every time you ride it is just as unexpected and thrilling as the first time.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    I plan on going out like a real man (or Garp's grand-dad? Coach? Fuck, it's been ages since I read that) and keeling over in the bathroom while stroking off to printed porn. They still print porn, don't they?

    • http://wonkette.com/ sweetcommunist

      Better that than getting your dick bitten off while parked in the driveway.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Ouch. I forgot about that bit. Yeah, all things considered, I'd rather die mid-orgasm. As I am not a religious man, the wet suit, noose and butt-plug are optional.

  • mavenmaven

    Do we have to wear ascots when we ride it? Do they give us those special soylent green crackers to chew on?

  • CalamityJames

    Aww man, I'm gonna, like, ride that thing sooooo many times!

  • RedneckMuslin

    Well, since it will be with elegance and euphoria, I'm for it.

    • DaRooster

      Beats sad and destitute… like the road we're on at this point.
      It's looking up.

  • aguacatero

    To take this ride, you must like either the Eagles or Jimmy Buffett.

  • [redacted]hse

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

    • Negropolis

      I've always loved that joke.

    • BornInATrailer

      I want to leave this world like I came into it: naked, screaming and covered in blood. In a trailer.

  • nounverb911

    You can get pretty close to death riding in a taxi cab in Buenos Aires during rush hour.

  • ShiftyParadigm

    from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.

    We have this now. It's called "Life"

    • Fukui_sanYesOta

      Except that has less euphoria but more angst and drinking.

      • HistoriCat

        You say angst and drinking like those are bad things.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I know from angst. I was in the middle of Seattle, in the middle of the birth of Grunge. I have so little angst these days. But then again, I do so much drinking.

          • DaRooster

            Upgrade!

  • Callyson

    Meh, I'd rather go out with a video and music, a la Soylent Green…

  • BZ1

    Where's that nomination form for a Darwin Award?

  • Lucidamente1

    Soylent green is people . . . wheeeee!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    that looks like a graph suggesting what housing prices look like.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Throw in Mark Wahlberg to fingerbang me while we ride the roller coaster of death, and I'm there.

    • http://wonkette.com Ken Layne

      You know, I was kind of looking forward to whatever was in that link. But the link just went back here. TALK ABOUT A ROLLER COASTER.

  • Gopherit

    You can achieve that with a good dose of Dilaudid and you won't shit yourself in fear.

  • Schmannnity

    "motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death."

    This sounds a lot like the Howard Dean campaign.

    • CthuNHu

      Too soon.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    It's sponsored by Soylent Green.

    • [redacted]hse

      The potent pheno of Jack the Ripper?

  • DashboardBuddha

    Parent: "Hey kids! We're taking Grammy to the Tragic Kingdom this weekend!"

    Kids: Yaaaaaay!!

  • DashboardBuddha

    I want to be the tough old bird that doesn't die until the 5th or 6th time around.

    "Hey bitches…Fuck you, I'm still around. Send me around again!"

  • AJW@[redacted]

    ♪♫Ain't no time to wonder why
    yippee, we're all gonna die!♪♫

  • politics_nerd

    I like this because it sounds like a thing wonkbot might say something about.

  • politics_nerd

    not to be a one-trick pony.

  • RhinestoneEater

    So that's what the kids are calling Ryan's Budget Plan!

  • MadBrahms

    "…from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death"

    So… a typical experience on "Space Mountain", then.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Amazing that however-the-fuck many House Republicans recently voted for Sarah's Death Panels.

    She's the Oracle of… Oracle of…

    Dammit.

  • Negropolis

    Meh. Autoerotic asphyxiation is my preferred form of post-retirement death.

  • poncho_pilot

    my death plan that i've thought about for years goes like this:

    1) it'll start with me being crucified on a stage. when they are almost done crucifying me, Rock You Like a Hurricane will start playing on the loudspeakers with the Romans hammering my nails in time.

    2) right at the start of the first chorus, the pyros go off and a rocket attached to my neck will shoot my head into the sky and explode in a beautiful display of fireworks. probably the ones that look like watermelons.

    3) my crucified body and the cross it's nailed to will begin to pirouette while cannons attached to my crucifix will fire t-shirts into the crowd.

    4) then Truckzilla will pull up and eat my flesh and drink my blood.

    5) open bar.

  • Redhead

    THIS is how we will end the budget deficit! Instead of humanely euthanizing people with sedatives, similar to how dogs and cats are put to sleep, we will research, develop and build a crazy-complicated roller-coaster ride that will kill them humanely! We're saved!

  • _DA

    This sounds like something National Review would endorse as a replacement for lethal injection.

  • DaRooster

    Got my "E" ticket!

  • hagajim

    Thanks – but no. I think I'll just stay here in good old Oregon where I can get myself a nice lethal injection and go to sleep…..

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Still manages to beat "It's A Small World" ride at Disney.

  • jus_wonderin

    However it is that I go, let's say a horrible auto accident. Please, fuck, don't put up a tiny cross on the side of the road as a shrine to my death location. Please?

  • grigoritheocto

    I'm pretty sure that, after that first giant fall, I will have shit myself. And I know that most humans shit themselves before they go, but somehow a roller coaster combined with uncontrollable bowels doesn't sound good, no matter how euphoric the twisty, turny, 50 g-force ending is.