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Death Panel Roller Coaster

Here’s something, to kill you with, after the Retirement Age is changed to “when you cannot stand up anymore, and your hands are gnarled wads of bone and skin flaps,” and Paul Ryan needs some way to lure you to the Death Panel: Free roller coaster! And it ends in death.

Courtesy of our favorite blog, The Hairpin:

“‘Euthanasia Coaster’ is a hypothetical euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster engineered to humanely – with elegance and euphoria – take the life of a human being. Riding the coaster’s track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.”

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. V572..whatever

    This is the Ken Layne we know and love. You come for the buttßex but stay for the abject despair.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        What would Joe's rabbi say about that, assuming Lindsey still has ham-biscuit on his breath?

  2. edgydrifter

    Anyone who thinks a roller coaster is the best way to shuffle off the old mortal coil is an unimaginative virgin who has never sampled the kind of handjob-from-Jesus hydroponic wonders we produce up here in the PNW.

      1. bumfug

        If they got some of the Cave Junction stuff I sampled back in the day, they wouldn't know if they were dead or not.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      You can keep your roller coaster. It's my intention to steal a Ferrari, or at least a Corvette when it's time to check out. May or may not be cops involved, they've gotten all pussied out on high-speed chases these days.

  3. CapnFatback

    I've got top people developing the oral sex version of this.

    Working title: the R.I.P. BJ!

      1. JustPixelz

        Believe it or not, I went on a "gimme head until I'm dead" ride prototype, back in late 2000. I died. And went to Hell. George W Bush was President. He read children's books while Americans were falling from the sky. He flew around New Orleans while Americans were drowning. He looked the other way while banks erased American's lifetime savings. Like I said, it was hell.

        Now that I've been reincarnated, I hope I don't die again. Even by oral sex.

    1. KenLayIsAlive

      The good news is highly trained government employees with years of experience will give these blow jobs. The bad news is the govt. employees are Mark Foley and Larry Craig.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Aw, crap — I thought this was gonna be about the sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine.

  5. MinAgain

    I prefer the Alzheimer Tilt-A-Whirl. Every time you ride it is just as unexpected and thrilling as the first time.

  6. natoslug

    I plan on going out like a real man (or Garp's grand-dad? Coach? Fuck, it's been ages since I read that) and keeling over in the bathroom while stroking off to printed porn. They still print porn, don't they?

      1. natoslug

        Ouch. I forgot about that bit. Yeah, all things considered, I'd rather die mid-orgasm. As I am not a religious man, the wet suit, noose and butt-plug are optional.

  7. mavenmaven

    Do we have to wear ascots when we ride it? Do they give us those special soylent green crackers to chew on?

  8. [redacted]hse

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

    1. BornInATrailer

      I want to leave this world like I came into it: naked, screaming and covered in blood. In a trailer.

  9. nounverb911

    You can get pretty close to death riding in a taxi cab in Buenos Aires during rush hour.

  10. ShiftyParadigm

    from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death.

    We have this now. It's called "Life"

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I know from angst. I was in the middle of Seattle, in the middle of the birth of Grunge. I have so little angst these days. But then again, I do so much drinking.

  11. Schmannnity

    "motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death."

    This sounds a lot like the Howard Dean campaign.

  12. DashboardBuddha

    Parent: "Hey kids! We're taking Grammy to the Tragic Kingdom this weekend!"

    Kids: Yaaaaaay!!

  13. DashboardBuddha

    I want to be the tough old bird that doesn't die until the 5th or 6th time around.

    "Hey bitches…Fuck you, I'm still around. Send me around again!"

  14. MadBrahms

    "…from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death"

    So… a typical experience on "Space Mountain", then.

  15. slowhansolo

    Amazing that however-the-fuck many House Republicans recently voted for Sarah's Death Panels.

    She's the Oracle of… Oracle of…


  16. poncho_pilot

    my death plan that i've thought about for years goes like this:

    1) it'll start with me being crucified on a stage. when they are almost done crucifying me, Rock You Like a Hurricane will start playing on the loudspeakers with the Romans hammering my nails in time.

    2) right at the start of the first chorus, the pyros go off and a rocket attached to my neck will shoot my head into the sky and explode in a beautiful display of fireworks. probably the ones that look like watermelons.

    3) my crucified body and the cross it's nailed to will begin to pirouette while cannons attached to my crucifix will fire t-shirts into the crowd.

    4) then Truckzilla will pull up and eat my flesh and drink my blood.

    5) open bar.

  17. Redhead

    THIS is how we will end the budget deficit! Instead of humanely euthanizing people with sedatives, similar to how dogs and cats are put to sleep, we will research, develop and build a crazy-complicated roller-coaster ride that will kill them humanely! We're saved!

  18. hagajim

    Thanks – but no. I think I'll just stay here in good old Oregon where I can get myself a nice lethal injection and go to sleep…..

  19. jus_wonderin

    However it is that I go, let's say a horrible auto accident. Please, fuck, don't put up a tiny cross on the side of the road as a shrine to my death location. Please?

  20. grigoritheocto

    I'm pretty sure that, after that first giant fall, I will have shit myself. And I know that most humans shit themselves before they go, but somehow a roller coaster combined with uncontrollable bowels doesn't sound good, no matter how euphoric the twisty, turny, 50 g-force ending is.

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