what a dirty word!

Mike Huckabee Destroys Glenn Beck For Calling Him a Progressive Nazi


Mike Huckabee is holding onto his job at Fox New just fine. Glenn Beck is losing his. Glenn Beck and his giggling band of parrot radio co-hosts call Mike Huckabee a “progressive” for supporting Michelle Obama in her anti-obesity initiatives. Mike Huckbaee takes him down in a statement, saying Beck spoke about the initiatives “either out of ignorance or out of a deliberate attempt to distort them to create yet another ‘boogey man’ hiding in the closet that he and only he can see.” YA BURNT, BECK!

This went on Huckabee’s PAC website:

This week Glenn Beck has taken to his radio show to attack me as a Progressive, which he has said is the same as a “cancer” and a “Nazi.” What did I do that apparently caused him to link me to a fatal disease and a form of government that murdered millions of innocent Jews? I had the audacity—not of hope—but the audacity to give respect to the efforts of First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to address childhood obesity. I’m no fan of her husband’s policies for sure, but I have appreciated her efforts that Beck misrepresented—either out of ignorance or out of a deliberate attempt to distort them to create yet another “boogey man” hiding in the closet that he and only he can see. The First Lady’s approach is about personal responsibility—not the government literally taking candy from a baby’s mouth. He seems to fancy himself a prophet of sorts for his linking so many people and events together to describe a massive global conspiracy for pretty much everything. Sadly, he seems equally inept at recognizing the obvious fact that children are increasingly obese and that we now see clinical evidence of diseases in children that as recent as 20 years ago were found only in adults, such as Type 2 diabetes. The costs to our nation are staggering in increase health care expenses, but it even effects national security with now 75% of young men between the ages of 17 and 24 are unfit for military service primarily due to obesity! His ridiculous claim that John McCain and I collaborated and conspired in the 2008 campaign is especially laughable. Is he not aware that McCain and I were competitors—not cohorts? Beck needs to stick to conspiracies that can’t be so easily de-bunked by facts. Why Beck has decided to aim his overloaded guns on me is beyond me. But he ought to clean his gun and point it more carefully lest it blow up in his face like it did this time.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Ooh!

Alex Pareene:

I think Huck wrote this himself, in a hurry (it’s clearly unedited), which is pretty funny, and probably not the sort of thing a man running for president would be allowed to do.

Indeed. But it is the perfect basis for his new teevee show You Just Got Served By Mike Huckabee, in which Mike Huckabee goes around serving people. You think you are safe? You are not safe. Mike Huckabee is out there in the bushes, just waiting for you to slip up so he can serve you. [HuckPAC/Salon]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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171 comments

  1. SorosBot

    And the circular firing squad continues. Oh man, this Republican-on-Republican violence is getting me all excited.

    1. MasterDebater

      Republican-on-Republican violence will be this decade's new fad, replacing casual lesbianism from the 2000s…

  2. littlebigdaddy

    Well Huck knows fat, that's for sure. That's like challenging an African-American friend on issues having to do with racism.

    1. MasterDebater

      Yes and he wrote a book about it. A good one, that actually helped a lot of his kind of people to see the light & stop getting up for 7ths at the Golden Corral.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      This is old Gay-Pinko-Jesus Huckabee, the one that approved practical measures as governor to help the poors. Not the Muscular-American-Jesus Huckabee that Fox News hired as a talky-talking-points talker.

      He better get his bipolarity under control or he's going to be out of a job.

    1. natoslug

      I've seen Trailer Park Boys, so I know the only differences between us and you Canadians is your inability to talk English goodly and the fact that you have to travel by moose during the 18 months of winter you have up there.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      Reverend Huckabee can supply the sequins while Glenda can bring his favorite pink feather boa……For the mutherfuckin' win, Elvis!

    1. BarackMyWorld

      To be fair, he is one of the sharper GOPers in the field. Which is a little like saying someone is the world's tallest midget, but still…

  3. baconzgood

    "deliberate attempt to distort them to create yet another ‘boogey man’ hiding in the closet that he and only he can see.”

    Ohhhhhhh SNAP! My nigga Huck made Glenn his little Bitch! Take that mo-fo!!! Right in your ear pussy.

    1. CliveWarren

      "Only he can see"
      Is Huck making fun of the soon-to-be-blind? Outrage!

      "He seems equally inept at recognizing the obvious fact that children are increasingly obese"
      The man CAN'T SEE, how the hell is he supposed to know kids are fat? You know, in a way that won't land you in jail or on a registry.

      1. Ducksworthy

        I'm waiting for the rant where he argues with the invisible talking beaver in his closet about Christianity and social justice.

      2. LetUsBray

        "So deep in the closet he can see Narnia. " – Ooh, there's one I'm going to have to steal.

  4. BarackMyWorld

    If this were 2003, I believe a use of the term "pwn3d" would be in order here.

    edit: I see Fister Roboto is back for more hijinks. Upfisties for everybody!!!! 2003 sez he iz a n00b!!!11!!

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Problem is, it didn't really work for Beck, as he spent all his time on coke crying and eating donuts.

  5. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    You might say he crucified him on a cross of gold.

    You know, if you're the sort of terrible human being who thinks gut-wrenching puns are funny.

    p.s. Splitters!

  6. memzilla

    Q: "Why Beck has decided to aim his overloaded guns on me is beyond me."

    A: For teh Teabagger spooge-fest?

  7. Barb

    Huckabee waited for the FLOTUS to bring up the issue of childhood obesity to support the cause? Jesus, just look at your Christmas card family photo! There's more Chins than the Shanghai white pages, Mikey!

  8. BornInATrailer

    I <3 Huckabee!

    Much like the similarly named movie, this new feeling is just as surreal and ultimately crappy.

      1. CalamityJames

        What with all the diabetes…how very apropos.

        Side-note: You may have noticed my recently acquired html skillz.

        Go ahead, touch it.

  9. CliveWarren

    "Beck needs to stick to conspiracies that can’t be so easily de-bunked by facts."

    When the fuck did Beck stick to conspiracies like that?

    1. zhubajie

      Isn't Fuckabee into End of the World Any Day Now fantasies? Doesn't he claim the Palestinians don't exist?

  10. smokefilledroommate

    But he ought to clean his gun and point it more carefully lest it blow up in his face like it did this time.

    It's Huck again with the pointed gun references.. Can someone take him hunting or something?

  11. Trannysurprise

    Is it too late to sign up Huckles kids for this "anti-obesity" program or has that ship already sailed?

  12. DaRooster

    "…he seems equally inept at recognizing the obvious fact that children are increasingly obese…"

    He is definitely inept.
    And Huck would know about obese kids.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, someone pissed off Roger Ailes. Canning his show is one thing — but telling all your shills that it's open season on Beck is an order of magnitude more petty and vindictive. I'm hoping Beck's last year on Fox will be bitchier than Jon 'n Kate's divorce.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Over the course of the next 5 years all FOX websites will be gradually scrubbed of any references to Unperson Glenn Beck.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Glenn Beck will be the Hatshepsut of Fox News. Also, if you're looking for places where Glenn Beck and Hatshepsut can be found in the same sentence, this might be the only place. Not that Glenn Beck and Hatshepsut don't have much in common — one was a powerful and polarizing figure who stood up to the ruling elite and suffered terrible consequences as a result — and the other was Glenn Beck.

  14. Not_So_Much

    You got served!

    Well, it was road-kill squirrel melted on a hotplate. But maybe with some Velveeta poured over it and a 128 oz tub of high fructose corn starch to wash it down, you'll be fine. Not 'family photo in stripes' fine, but still.

  15. CliveWarren

    "But he ought to clean his gun and point it more carefully lest it blow up in his face like it did this time."

    I'm pretty sure this is a direct bible quote. Something Jesús doth said unto one of his 12 biker friends or something of verily that nature. Hare Rama.

  16. rambone

    "but it even effects [sic] national security with now 75% of young men between the ages of 17 and 24 are unfit for military service primarily due to obesity!"

    You know the Repubs must be worried if the poors are too fat to get kilt in wars. Who knows, a few of the Pubes may have to send their own children off to fight.

  17. bumfug

    Busy little downfist troll – obviously jealous that other people's "P" continues to rise when his has apparently not been up in years.

    1. UpFistTroll

      It's a script, and admittedly a pretty decent one. I wonder where they stole it from. Mine can auto-upfist, but I need to enter threads manually, whereas theirs seems to do it automatically.

      Then again, mine can keep going on a thread as long as I want it to, while theirs seems to reach its end rather prematurely, if you catch my drift.

      1. bumfug

        Auto-fisting, what a concept. No wonder he's so fast – I commented and was at zero within 10 seconds.

        1. UpFistTroll

          That seems a bit nuts; my re-check interval is 30 seconds, plus you have to take into account loading times for the various bits of the IntenseDebate interface.

          I'm still polishing it, but once I think it's ready it's going to be released to any Wonketeer that wants a copy.

      2. natoslug

        If you have your script call the wonkette rss feed, you should be able to have it parse the XML and enter the threads automatically. Maybe use that to then get the rss comment feed for each post? I thought about scripting things as well, but gave up when I realized I'd have to put in more than 5 minutes of effort, which would really put a crimp in my drinking time.

  18. LabRodent

    Damn Huck that made you sound almost a little teeny tiny bit like you had a fuc*king brain.

    1. SorosBot

      Don't worry, he'll get back to his support for creationism or letting rapists out of prison because they say they've found Jesus again soon.

    2. HELisforHEL

      He does that on occasion, but then falls back into his anti-evolution/free market for Jesus brainlessness. But we can still enjoy the show!

  19. facehead

    Only Glenn Beck has moral strength to speak out against the celluloid holocaust, which threatens to kill all our children, our culture, and destroy the lives of billions of liposuction surgeons. Indeed, where would our country be today without the likes of Fats Domino? Eric Cartman? Howard Taft? The Fat Boyz? David Hume? Spanky? How soon Mike Huckabee forgets that he too was once a decent young American fatty.

  20. BornInATrailer

    I would like this acted out now please.

    I want a bearded and robed Huckabee to come down a mountain holding two TVs playing Fox News (maybe O'Reilly and Fox & Friends). These are then hurled at an overpriced Goldline statue of Beck, utterly destroying it.

  21. Gopherit

    Well, every liberal and moderate in the world who has been labelled as progressive has leveled the same charges against Beck. I guess he ran out of targets that made sense and wants to turn on his own. That's fine. This is the kind of political brawl I can enjoy. Let the Republicans eat Beck. It's about goddamn time. Give what ever is left to George Soros as a leather-clad gimp/slave. It's what Beck really wants to be anyway.

    1. chicken_thief

      Keep in mind that crazy at yesterday's pitch seems…. well, like yesterday. It's always gotta be ratcheted up a notch to keep it fresh and vibrant. Glenn was jes doin what had to be done. How was he to know he would strike a nerve on the former fatty and still pretty large Huckster?!

  22. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    It would be great to get Beck & Huck together on the program to "chew the fat".

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Dear Derrick W,

      I have a vicious sinus headache and the thought that anyone could be dumber than a LtCG fan is more than my poor head can stand.

      Sincerely,
      DustBowlBlues

    2. Pithaughn

      Wcat. I have to admit I've watched Larry's new show and he does have the gift of gab. That feller has a little more going on that just a worn out catch phrase.

  23. Weenus299

    Allow me to condense this to a Chuck Grassley tweet.

    "fat boyz need betr fud choicez Beck watch who U hatin on lest U get cum shot in U face"

  24. HELisforHEL

    I just hope this all-out eat-yer-own war of desperation continues until their entire bloated assholian party collapses in on itself. A girl can dream, can't she?

  25. MinAgain

    You know, it's crap like this that makes it difficult for me to loathe Huckabee as forcefully as I really should.

    1. DarkStar_88

      Seeing as how Jesus ran money-grubbing scumbags out with a bullwhip and beat the Pharisees at their own word games, I'd say Huck did the right thing.

  26. MissTaken

    My head tells me despise the Huck and his anti-evolutionary ways but my naughty bits have developed a raging girl boner over this rant against Beck.

    I'm so confused right now.

    1. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      Just picture Huck's heaving, bulbous form, wearing only black socks and garters, muttering scriptural incantations and sweating profusely as he slowly drags himself up your legs and onto your waiting body.

      There, cured?

    2. tessiee

      If this is the first time your naughty bits have ignored your common sense, you have lived a very virtuous life indeed.

  27. Fred_Wertham_Jr

    Rock Hudson dies and Reagan starts to give a fuck about AIDS. Ron gets Alzheimer's so Nancy supports stem cell research. It's just the Republican style of empathy; it doesn't extend very far.

  28. HedonismBot

    Would I become a pariah around here if I were to admit I kind of like Mike Huckabee – in some ways and with many caveats? I wouldn't vote for the guy, but he seems to show a warmth and genuineness and civility that is lacking from the Republicongress and the teabagger crowd .
    It shows how far political discourse has fallen that such qualities can now be considered exceptional.

    1. SorosBot

      That's what makes him more dangerous; Huckabee is far-right, fundamentalist Baptist nut, but he manages to come across as if he's reasonable much of the time, thus he gets treated as if he's a decent guy, even though he isn't one.

      1. TX_Bluebonnets

        Ah, but he is. He's the reasonable guy–reasonable surface over unreasonably, unyielding inner anti-evolutionary 6000 year old stone.

        It's just good cop, bad cop. I like the guy more than Beck or Limbaugh, too, but at the end of the day, he wants my kid dumb and not able to think for herself or make her own decisions.

        1. zhubajie

          Hates Palestinians, too. They don't fit into the Dispensational future history. It wouldn't be surprised if he thinks their Philistines or Canaanites and thus fit to be slaughtered. :-(

      2. BornInATrailer

        Sort of like when you'd see Jerry Falwell interviewed or hear some amusing anecdote of his that would catch you off guard. Then his various other ugly statements and terrible opinions would come flooding back and you'd remember he's a complete bastard (may he now burn for eternity like a TEPCO power plant).

    2. Goonemeritus

      I will join you on the island of misfit toys. I think the guy has read more of the bible than Leviticus and Revelations and as such he has been less of a douche bag than some of the religious right. He also seems less of an outright corporatist then the rest of the pack. Could I vote for him, no. Do I think he is as bad as the rest of the field, no.

      1. HedonismBot

        Watch Jon Stewart's 30-some-minute interview with Huck from a couple weeks ago. He's a damn good "Daily Show" guest because he engages in genuine conversation that goes beyond talking points, and he at least appears to show some respect for opposing viewpoints (as long as the person holding them is right in his face.) Sort of like John McCain, circa 2003, before he stopped trying to hide his bitter old man side.
        I don't want him for Prez, but I'd go to his house for Sunday dinner.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          Ah, but then you see what he says when he's talking to "the base," and he says stuff that would curl your hair. I rather wish Stewart had pushed him a bit more on that; he brought it up, but didn't seem willing to pursue it much further.

      2. Dudleydidwrong

        Yes, but just think that this bible-spouting, gay-hating, science-denying idiot is the only one of the Seven Mental Dwarfs who appears almost human. That tells us how far the Rethugs have sunk since they first nominated Lincoln, and how bad he would be if, because of his semi-sentient warmth he would be the Rethug candidate in 2012. Maybe he'll choose Michelle B for a running mate; this will let his ship hit a large floating mine and descend forthwith.

        1. Goonemeritus

          I will all but guarantee that he will not win the nomination. The religious right is critical to the new Republican coalition, but they are poor step daughters at best. The echo chamber of the party is firmly in the hands of the corporatists. If Huckabee ever got close they would release the hounds. In fact during the last election the big three pounded him almost as bad as they pounded our team. He is the natural candidate of the evangelical community as such when they mistreat him they are angering a critical part of their coalition. If God is in his heaven’s this will cause a huge riff, with that in mind I proudly say go Huck….

    3. tessiee

      "Mike Huckabee — Marginally less sucky and loathsome than the other Republicans"

      Annnd, I think we have a campaign slogan.

  29. gef05

    As a furr'ner I'm always bemused by the right's use of the word "progressive" as a pejorative.

    What does Beck want – for us all to regress into axolotls or something?

      1. wondering where i am

        Wow, I learn of a new species. only to find it is going extinct because:

        "Lake Xochimilco remains a diminished glimpse of its former self."

        Wikipedia contributors have the mangled syntax, they do.

    1. zhubajie

      Religious rightniks often have a sort of false historical memory, that they used to be the majority, that everyone did things their way and that in those days none of the familiar woes existed. All bull-shit, of course. Go read newspapers from whenever your favorite Good Old Days were ('the 50s, usually) and you'll find fundies and professional moralists pissing and moaning just like today. One of the earliest examples of writing, 5000 years ago, was some guy whining about moral decline, the good old days, etc., ad nauseam.

    2. tessiee

      I have no idea what Beck, specifically, wants, since I've pretty much ignored his existence, but the right in general wants us to go back to the age of robber barons and/or slavery.

      Since their aim in life is to undo all the progress of the last hundred or so years, the last thing they want is *more* progression.

  30. MasterDebater

    The other angle here, which may be "dog whistle" politicking for the Right, is the phrase "fancy himself a prophet of sorts" which could be a dig from an Evangelical at a Mormon. Beck adheres to a (mostly discredited) flavor of sleep with a gun under your pillow Mormon thought promulgated by W Cleon Skousen. It's what drives a lot of his thinking. Evangelicals believe all revelation ended with the Bible, so to them the biggest threats to America are, in order #1 the gays #2 the abortions #3 the muzlins #4 the mormons. Huck could be scoring points in certain corners with the language he's using to attack Beck.

  31. DarkStar_88

    Getting pwned that badly by Huckabee is about like getting soundly beaten in a boxing match by a small-town pastor. Hope Beck the Bizarre has plenty of tissues back in his cave.

  32. Lascauxcaveman

    Lol on the Narnia thing. Are secretly gay British men said to be "in the wardrobe?"

  33. Extemporanus

    "Ah wish ah knew howta eat yew."

    [EDIT: What in the Sam Hill is a-goin' on with this hare conflabberaddled comment constantly gettin' eated, consarn it?!]

  34. DustBowlBlues

    No, no, no. Everyday is Opposite Day for them. The more she says eat healthily and exercise, the more shit they'll stuff into that fat faces because no big socialist government is going to tell them what to do.

    Next up: The DNC's all-out war on Russian Roulette.

    1. LetUsBray

      I'm holding out hope for the prez & first lady making a series of PSAs against taking a bath with a plugged-in toaster.

  35. gef05

    What is up with intensedebate, fight fans? Anybody else getting spurious "deleted by admin" messages?

  36. lochnessmonster

    What a bunch of sissy girls… My feelings are hurt he said nasty things about me. I'm going home to pout!

  37. jus_wonderin

    I have to know. Did Huck take off the gloves before he bitchslapped Beck. BTW: I am sure the gloves were those white, elbow length numbers he wears during sex.

  38. Redhead

    Man, Huckster really doesn't want to get elected president, does he? I mean taking out one of the crazy gods of the teabaggers like that…

  39. owhatever

    It's the conspiracy, don't you see? Huckabee is spreading Hitleresque anti-goldline and anti-fat Negro collard greens propaganda and trying to get real Americans to worship the New World Order puppet-masters and the RINOs, guided by the hellish principles of the liberal and satanic Euclidian Epistles of Rockefeller, Book Two (The Parable of the Wonkette), as I discussed on an earlier show.

  40. Guppy06

    "The costs to our nation are staggering in increase health care expenses,"

    And there goes any chance of winning the Republican primary. Healthcare profits are sacred! We need to spend more to get the best care that the wealthiest 2% can buy!

    This just proves Beck was right.

  41. tessiee

    "a deliberate attempt to distort them to create yet another ‘boogey man’ hiding in the closet that he and only he can see."

    I see what he did there.
    This may actually be the cleverest thing Huckles has ever said.

  42. Walkinwiddaking

    "I had the audacity—not of hope—but the audacity to give respect to the efforts of First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign to address childhood obesity."

    Certainly not The Audacity Of Hope. Talk about weak.

  43. GeoffPeterson

    Whatever. Huckabee's just a typical whiny liberal, like the chubby blond crying guy said.

  44. AznMom420

    Wow Mike "The Hammer" Huckabee just Hucked Glen like a paigeboy. Still watching them squabble is like watching the monkees trying to decide who's the most talented.

  45. Billmatic

    He may be an evangelist and terrible candidate for president but as I've always said about Mike Huckabee, at least he's not a total moron.

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