About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


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  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I don't even know where to begin.

    • LowProfileinGA

      Perhaps at the anus; go up from there.

      • DaRooster

        Or down…

        • CalamityJames

          …and then back up real quick, yeah, now slowly back down halfway.

          Excuse me.

          • johnnymeatworth

            Well, the concept of "downfisting" just got a whole lot sexier….

    • undeterredbyreality

      Clearly you have to begin at the end.

    • JoeBiteme

      I've heard it's best to pretend like you're pooping.

    • LetUsBray

      For starters, you'll want to use plenty of water-based lube.

  • Barb

    Typical Grassley "back door" politician.

  • Badonkadonkette

    Chuck Assley

    • DaRooster


  • BaldarTFlagass

    Were they asking about fisting? How is that handled by the government? Does that apply to both anal and vaginal fisting, or just anal? My guess is that it's anal at a federal level, and the states decide for vaginal.

    • Limeylizzie

      Excuse me, I think I decide for vaginal.

    • petehammer

      State's Rights!

  • harry_palmer

    Twatted from the Council Bluffs Reg'l Aeroport men's room.

    • TheStalinist

      How wide is his stance?

  • rambone

    I wonder if anyone ever called him Chuck Ass-ley. Oh, I guess I just did.

    • DaRooster

      Sounds like a "Goat-Boy" bit… a bit.

    • HempDogbane

      There was a Senator named Chuck Assley, he made a Tweet, it was ghastly…

      Nick Lowe is the best.

  • Sue4466

    It's the anal process questions that'll get you in the end.

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    Were the person-anal questions about the legles kiod from last week? Would someone just take the tiny keyboard away from grandpa?

  • BZ1

    Chuckie, didn't I warn you what happens when you tamper with that infernal box?

  • BarackMyWorld

    Chuck, you can't bitched about the limited number of characters on twitter posts, then start adding letters unnecessarily. Idiot.

    • ArmoredBore

      Word. I've seen better spelling in World of Warcraft's trade chat.

  • harry_palmer

    Similar to what non-students ask, as in "Will you get the fuck away from me, you creepy old perv?"

  • BZ1

    Upfists for everyone, except the Chuckmeister…

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Grassley is an olde so it is not surprising he would be talking about anal processing, but greatly surprised the kids are into poop processing. Poop yes, but not the processing – for them the elementary canal is not a problem.

    BTW, Mrs weejee and I have a pact that if and when we start incessant talking about poop processing we will kill each other.

  • http://wonkette.com RunnyRose

    Usually, person-anal questions are asked by licensed analrapists.

    • petehammer

      Um, I think Grassley's qualified. Haven't you read his book… "The Man Inside Me"?

  • elviouslyqueer

    "personanal and process Qs" = Top or power bottom?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Not sure how they roll in IA (Land of the Cornholers), but I would just surmise that any anal question is also a personal question.

  • CalamityJames

    Oh shut the fuck up with the tweeting already, you fucking daft cunt.

  • SorosBot

    Forgetting the personanal questions, what the fuck is Msnly supposed to abbreviate/misspell? Muslin-y?

    • poncho_pilot


    • CalamityJames

      Uh, I think that's supposed to be Iowa.

  • axmxz

    Grassley's agenda for the day: see the rapist.

  • edgydrifter

    Growling Anus, Hidden Salami: The Life and Times of Charles Grassley

  • bumfug

    Why is everyone hung up on the "person anal" and ignoring him when he admits to being "pro cess?" Who the fuck is in favor of cess? They have pools for that shit!

  • CliveWarren

    I bet the Qs were very directal but Cuck Arseley anuswered them easily.

  • http://wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    Keep this up Senator and you'll get on the sexual predator list. Then you won't be able to have town-halls in schools.

    Hey LeadPaintChips, here's what I think of you downfisting trolls.

  • Extemporanus

    "I'll take 'Anal Bum Cover' for 7000."

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Grassley is the Living End. Or Dying End.

  • EdFlintstone

    So who is more stupid, Grassley for putting out these tweets or the morons who sign up to get them?

    • elviouslyqueer


    • undeterredbyreality

      I bet if the only evidence you had was Jack's Tweeter "following" list, you'd be pretty sure he's a moran teatard, maybe even the leader of them.

  • widestanceroman

    I have no idea what that meant, it's all Greek to me.

  • widestanceroman

    At least he spelled 'county' right.

  • nounverb911

    I can just imagine the tweets when Grassley gets his annual colonoscopy.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    Next thing you know he'll be giving up on gay men.

    • nounverb911

      Larry Craig will be disappointed.

  • OurHoboSenator

    I just got down-fisted. Or is that too person-anal to discuss on Wonkette?

  • http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Armus UpFistTroll

    This guy is the best Dadaist of all time.

  • GodShammgod

    I'm guessing that since Grassley is a hick who buggers farm animals, "person-anal" questions differ from "animal-anal" questions. Republican perverts have a system, you know.

  • Trinket

    I can't believe his PR team hasn't forbidden him to tweet his own tweets. Forbidden him FROM tweeting his own tweets? Forbidden him…oh, fuck it.

  • Limeylizzie

    So help me, I adore Chuckles.

  • DustBowlBlues

    This is the part where I go do something useful. I give up. I just fucking give up. Is it wrong for me to wish for a toilet so large that the entire Republitard party can be flushed down it at the same time?

    • http://memory-alpha.org/wiki/Armus UpFistTroll

      Grassley is one of the few who I actually find genuinely amusing, because gorrammit, he's trying SO HARD to use this hip Twitter thing.

  • horsedreamer_1

    The Iowa Supremes have all the resulting santorum on their hands.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Makes me glad my family is FROM Iowa.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Anal birther. Without toilet paper.

  • Gopherit

    Chuck, learn the lesson of catholic priests working in schools across the country. Leave processing the anal questions for the sacristy. That's where all the wine and secrets are kept.

  • OneYieldRegular

    And on top of it all, a 45? This is high school! All other things aside, these kids aren't even of legal drinking age. Surely this is worse than anything for which George Michael has ever been arrested.

    • SorosBot

      Considering how old and out of touch Grassley is, I figured by 45 he meant a record single. To the Wonkette youngs (this means you, Riley) that's what we used to call an MP3 of just one song.

    • zhubajie

      Take it for granted that they are drinking and fucking often. Probably at the same keggers.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    'Tain't funny, I tells ya!

  • MinAgain

    Don't send this tweet to Tennessee basket o' homophobic crazy Senator Stacey Campfield, or he'll file another piece of legislation to forbid mentioning anything anal in public schools.

    • MinAgain

      Sen. Campfield, did you just downfist me? Dude, you are so in the closet.

  • mavenmaven

    Once upon a time, there was a Professor Freud who had an interesting view about errors like this…

  • pinkocommi

    Someone alert me when Assley leaves out the "L" in the word "public."

    It is only a matter of time.

  • hagajim

    So were they asking him personal questions about anal? Or were they questions about what process they needed to follow so he and his Koch loving friends could give them anal? I'm so confused.

  • MissTaken

    Ok, let me get this straight: 45 Msnly (derpity derp derp?) students asked good questions about anal processes. What exactly would a "bad" question about anal process be?

    And why are high school students asking a US Senator about anal? Isn't that what YouPorn and RedTube are for?

  • Guppy06

    Are anuses now able to make political contributions under Citizen's United?

    Does the life of an anus begin at conception?

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    Damn! The human-anal hybrids that George W. Bush was warning us about are here!

  • CapnFatback

    "Process," of course, is Iowaspeak for "animal anal."

  • BlueStateLibel

    Somebody needs to get grandpa off the computer machine, it's getting really embarrassing.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Oh dear.

  • ttommyunger

    Boxers or Briefs? Skidmarks $5 extra. I don't even know what that means.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Telme 'bout ur chldhood Chk