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Have you heard about America’s new king and queen of hearts, Bill and Kate plus Eight? They are getting married very soon! And until the divorce in a few years and the tragic aftermath when Kate runs off with an Arab playboy and Bill falls in love with a tampon, this may very well be the most romantic moment in history! Because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of her evil stepmother’s castle in Germany, with her hair, and then he lifts her up and checks her for pox marks and then carries her off to his own castle, in space, after “paying a king’s ransom” to her owners. This is the stuff of bodice rippers, and this is the stuff of dreams. We are still pretty high from 420 day.

But you probably have questions about all the details that don’t matter at all to you, or your life. The BBC has helpfully posted some reader questions along with the answers, yet we really only see fit to use the questions, and then provide our own true answers:

Gwenn Ferguson, Green Bay, Wisconsin, US: What is the history behind having a morning wedding?

Gwenn, do you have any idea what’s happening in Wisconsin, where you live? Quit watching Entertainment Tonight and go help your fellow Wisconsinites in their war against the Demon Koch King, Scott “Mary Queen of Scots” Walker. As for the morning wedding, it is important that the blood from the wedding sheet still be wet to the touch, so that England’s poor might take a bit of nourishment before sodding off to the rubbish bins they call home.

Colin Easom, Tucson, Arizona, US: Who will be making the wedding cake and what kind of decoration can we expect?

The cake will be made, according to tradition, by Prime Minister David Cameron. (“Cameron” literally means “cake maker” in old English, as in the famous line from Beowulf, “ða wæs swigra secg, sunu Eclafes, on gylpspræce guðgeweorca, siþðan æþelingas hand scamerðn, feondes fingras.”) It will be decorated with beautiful icing ropes made from the Queen Mum’s cartilage, along with lovely precious heirloom figurines of Kate and William made of the English sausages known as “faggots.”)

Lauren Stewart, Kent, UK: Where do you think will be the best place for wellwishers to position themselves on the day of the wedding?

One must kneel, as always when presenting one’s self to royalty, and then politely place one’s head between one’s knees as far as possible, until pressed firmly against one’s anus.


And yet, not all British peoples are delighted about this lavish display of wealth and waste while the country starves. Here’s the top comment from this lighthearted AP video:

I’m from Britain and I’d like to say I hope the wedding ends in disaster for the royal family. It’s time those out-dated parasites on society were hurled into the sea or at least shoved in some dingy retirement home. Wait, the Conservatives have cut all funding to retirement homes? Oh well, the sea it is!

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