Wedding of the Century: Meet Your New Prince & Princess!

  no-o-o-o-o-o future no-o-o-o-o-o future


Have you heard about America’s new king and queen of hearts, Bill and Kate plus Eight? They are getting married very soon! And until the divorce in a few years and the tragic aftermath when Kate runs off with an Arab playboy and Bill falls in love with a tampon, this may very well be the most romantic moment in history! Because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of her evil stepmother’s castle in Germany, with her hair, and then he lifts her up and checks her for pox marks and then carries her off to his own castle, in space, after “paying a king’s ransom” to her owners. This is the stuff of bodice rippers, and this is the stuff of dreams. We are still pretty high from 420 day.

But you probably have questions about all the details that don’t matter at all to you, or your life. The BBC has helpfully posted some reader questions along with the answers, yet we really only see fit to use the questions, and then provide our own true answers:

Gwenn Ferguson, Green Bay, Wisconsin, US: What is the history behind having a morning wedding?

Gwenn, do you have any idea what’s happening in Wisconsin, where you live? Quit watching Entertainment Tonight and go help your fellow Wisconsinites in their war against the Demon Koch King, Scott “Mary Queen of Scots” Walker. As for the morning wedding, it is important that the blood from the wedding sheet still be wet to the touch, so that England’s poor might take a bit of nourishment before sodding off to the rubbish bins they call home.

Colin Easom, Tucson, Arizona, US: Who will be making the wedding cake and what kind of decoration can we expect?

The cake will be made, according to tradition, by Prime Minister David Cameron. (“Cameron” literally means “cake maker” in old English, as in the famous line from Beowulf, “ða wæs swigra secg, sunu Eclafes, on gylpspræce guðgeweorca, siþðan æþelingas hand scamerðn, feondes fingras.”) It will be decorated with beautiful icing ropes made from the Queen Mum’s cartilage, along with lovely precious heirloom figurines of Kate and William made of the English sausages known as “faggots.”)

Lauren Stewart, Kent, UK: Where do you think will be the best place for wellwishers to position themselves on the day of the wedding?

One must kneel, as always when presenting one’s self to royalty, and then politely place one’s head between one’s knees as far as possible, until pressed firmly against one’s anus.

And yet, not all British peoples are delighted about this lavish display of wealth and waste while the country starves. Here’s the top comment from this lighthearted AP video:

I’m from Britain and I’d like to say I hope the wedding ends in disaster for the royal family. It’s time those out-dated parasites on society were hurled into the sea or at least shoved in some dingy retirement home. Wait, the Conservatives have cut all funding to retirement homes? Oh well, the sea it is!

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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101 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    “Cameron” literally means “cake maker” in old English

    Good thing they waited till Gordon "Brown" left office; you can imagine what the prime ingredient of the cake would have been.

    1. DahBoner

      “Cameron” literally means “cake maker” in old English

      Hmm, that's interesting!

      I wonder what "Camero" means in English?

  2. Chillwaver

    Loving the Mothers2Mothers ad – perfect for those all the hypocritical Palin apologists that have been flooding this site in the last few days.

  3. bureaucrap

    The Windsors are NOT descendants of Henry VIII (Tudors); They are direct line descendants of German-Prussian-Nazi-Junker land barons. If you're going to caricature them, caricature them as Beemer-driving, beer swilling, goose-stepping militarists. There, that's MUCH better.

      1. qwerty42

        Heirs to the throne of Hanover. Except Bismarck got rid of the kingdom as a result of their being on the wrong side in the Austro-Prussian war of 1866. I assume any direct descendants of the last king have since been joined by Wittlesbachs, Hohenzollerns, Habsburgs and any number of austro-german "pretenders". Oh, they were also Electors.

        1. vulpes82

          The current Prince of Hanover is married to Princess Caroline of Monaco. He has a cute son (not with Caroline; they have a daughter, I think).

      2. Terry

        Saxe-Coburg and Gotha

        I imagine the Gotha royals dress in black, wear white makeup, and have hair hanging in their faces.

    1. blinky_twinkie

      He gets his Ye-Olde-Anglo-Saxon-Parasitic-Sherwood-Forest-Nobility blood from his mother, and his German-Prussian-Nazi-Junker-Land-Baron-Nobility blood from his father.

  4. SorosBot

    For sanity's sake, we're going to have to avoid mainstream news until several days after the wedding. Gah, I remember the death of that woman who accomplished nothing in her life but to marry a man who was rich and famous because his mother was rich and famous, because her father was rich and famous, because his brother was rich and famous but quit, etc etc. For a whole week, that was the entire news; yep, the useless rich pretty lady is still dead. This will be like that, but less maudlin.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe they'll get killed in a car wreck when they leave the reception. Hope springs eternal.

      1. SorosBot

        If the IRA went after the royal family instead of regular English people, they'd have been a lot more sympathetic.

  5. iburl

    Am I British? No.
    Was my country founded on the principle of killing off these limey lobsterbacks? Yes.
    Does watching weddings of any sort on TV make you a woman? Yes.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Seriously. I have a hard enough time sitting through the wedding of a loved one (especially if they're Catholic – weddings w/a mass are like , 1:40 minimum). Howabout a wedding that starts at 1am local time and lasts about 5 hours? Uh-uh.

      I'll raise a G n' T and a wish for luck to the young marrieds instead at the proper cocktail hour of 6pm.

      1. SorosBot

        My favorite wedding ever was my one cousin's, where the ceremony was the couple reciting their self-written vows, then the "I dos" before the judge, lasting less then five minutes; then is was straight to the drinking.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          All weddings should be be judged by the time elapsing between the officiant uttering his first word and the the first drink being poured at the reception.

          (Hint: shorter is better)

  6. V572..whatever

    More proof, as if any were needed, of the value of a degree in English.

    WHAN that Aprille with his shoures soote
    The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote,
    And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
    Of which vertu engendred is the flour..

  7. usernameguy

    ða wæs swigra secg, sunu Eclafes, on gylpspræce guðgeweorca, siþðan æþelingas hand scamerðn, feondes fingras.

    Google Translate translated this as, "ða wæs swigra secg, sunu Eclafes, on gylpspræce guðgeweorca, siþðan æþelingas hand scamerðn, feondes fingras."

    1. Mumbletypeg

      sunu Eclafes

      And the online anagram generator salvaged this much from that excerpt: "unusual feces." I feel much better now.

  8. $exy$murf

    The limey's need to stop obsessing over the private lives of feudal anachronisms. Instead they should be like Americans and obsess over the drug problems of B-list celebrities.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh, they do that to; but they also have tabloid "newspapers" that run pictures of said B-list celebrities' breasts as well, which we could use here.

  9. facehead

    I gotta say, I'm somewhat proud of the fact that I simply don't know anything about this royal wedding. Unless there's a guillotine involved, royalty can take a crap.

  10. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Bristol Lou, Cul-de-Sac, Arizona: Like, why do they even bother getting married? Their just going to break up some day, duh. Just have a baby, and move into a bank-foreclosure castle somewhere.

  11. Barb

    If this union jack-off got an invitation to the wedding he'd be in line at the Coin Star right now, trying to buy a ticket and giddy as a schoolgirl.

  12. CapnFatback

    Royal wedding? Wake me when we start talking about Royal pudding.

    My favorite's butterscotch.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Another week wasted on another wasteful distraction. The "Look, something shiny!" tactic whenever Dems look as though they may actually have a message the Ameridumbs overwhelmingly agree with. This gives Luntz time to entirely re frame the narrative.

    1. Guppy06

      Is this her official birthday, her Canadian birthday, or her double secret probation birthday?

    2. Negropolis

      Aye, but where's ye olde birf certicate? She was in Africa when she found out she was going to be queen. Even Kenya, maybe…

  14. ManchuCandidate

    I like sleep and don't like hype or excessive pomp and circumstance. Despite the fact that I am a subject of these people (commonwealth, you know) I say: Fuck the Royals, eh.

    1. AJW@[redacted]

      Speaking of sleep and the royals, when I was a wee lad my grandmother (royalist to the end) hung a QEII calendar on the wall in my bedroom. I think she meant it to keep me from wanking, or something.

      1. freakishlywrong

        AJW, I can only imagine it worked. Horsey face staring at anyone would destroy the libido for a week!

        1. AJW@[redacted]

          I still have nightmares. Or maybe those are side effects of day #5 of the nicotine patch.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I don't understand the hate for Kansas City. Besides, they are only 2 games behind Cleveland in the AL Central.

  15. Ken Layne

    Thanks for "checking the facts" there. World History was in grave danger of forever believing Prince Charles literally fell in love and later married a wad of bloody fabric that had plugged a rich woman's vagina.

    1. prommie

      Testy, aren't we? Have you smoked your meds today? Or do you use one of those fancy-pants vaporizors? I call it a "car hole," by the way.

    2. prommie

      Thats from The Wasteland, isn't it? "I should have been a wad of bloody fabric, plugging a rich woman's vagina."

    3. BornInATrailer

      "Oh, Charles!" was her response, iirc, to his suggestion that, were he to be her tampon, his fate would to to just go 'round and 'round after being flushed down the loo.

      I'm somewhat frightened to look this up because, if I do remember that correctly, it will depress me.

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    …because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of her evil stepmother’s castle in Germany, with her hair, and then he lifts her up and checks her for pox marks and then carries her off to his own castle, in space, after “paying a king’s ransom” to her owners…

    I see Ken, like me, used to volunteer to "read" bedtime stories to his nieces and nephews.
    "How does it end, Uncle Roscoe?"
    "Well, they all spent the rest of their lives shaving the wild hairs off the mole from the evil spinster witches' tits, hooray!"

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Skinny is not a terrible way for a young princess to start out. Once she's cranked out an heir and a spare, she'll gain her queenly figure.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Betcha ol' Downfist Syndrome really gets frustrated that he can only downfist once per comment.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    That video is like some kind of wingnut / fundie / LaRouche white-noise generator. Awesome A+++++ would buy again

  19. freakishlywrong

    Oh, and that comment. Could not have said it better m'self. I believe the Brits define this as "shirty".

  20. Steverino247

    ROYALTY LIBEL!

    What does Sarah think about all this and why wasn't she invited to attend at 100K and First Class perks?

    (At least Richard Cheese is playing the reception. Or so he's claiming…)

  21. Weenus299

    What is the history behind having a morning wedding?

    Who will be making the wedding cake and what kind of decoration can we expect?

    Where do you think will be the best place for wellwishers to position themselves on the day of the wedding?

    ~ These questions should be writing prompts. I can go in so many directions with each of these questions that I'm just going to leave them at that.

  22. mereoblivion

    Kate was a poor floor-scrubber? I thought she was just a scrubber. Or should that be a slapper? These limeys with all their different words for ho!

  23. BlueStateLibel

    I don't know what to think about this unitl our own Limey Liz weighs in on it. Is it good? Is it bad? Will they make a funny BBC sitcom about it? Or will it be Masterpiece Classic?

  24. Gopherit

    Well, this is better than bitter Ken, but wow, I am getting a contact high just through the intertubez. puff puff pass, man.

  25. Lascauxcaveman

    I figure all I need to know about this wedding (not much) will be condensed nicely into a 4-minute bit on the 6pm news. I'm guessing Gloria Macarenko will be positively glowing with commonwealth pride.

    1. MathIsHard

      I don't know her (I live in Ontario and I don't have TV).

      My beef is that it's not a rare occasion that I tune in to Radio One several times over the course of a day: the morning program, The Current, Here and Now, As it Happens, and depending on the day I'll listen to daytime stuff too while I work. (Wow…just writing that out…really? I'm that much of a CBC nerd?) I'm just a little sad that probably all of my programs will be monarch-infected that day….guess I can't really complain that much though…I will survive somehow…

  26. mrblifil

    Brits were out torching goverment establishments over proposed cuts to education and other socialisms, just a short while ago. I have a hard time believing they'll all just hang out calmly as the fucking royal parade goes by. This is what Molotov was thinking about the whole time people!

  27. writechic

    The Black Eyed Peas guy is the anti-Christ. Dude. I'm bummed. Does that mean Fergie is the hooker of Babylon that rides a dragon or some shit?

    1. Negropolis

      To be fair, the woman of ill-repute from Babylon will be a general whore; she won't get paid for her work.

  28. MissTaken

    Wait? Am I to assume you did not download the NBC Royal Wedding iPad App and buy a large hat with a flamingo banging a daffodil on top to celebrate this joyous occasion?

    Yeah, me neither.

  29. Chet Kincaid

    The whole Royal Wedding Thing is Disney Princess Bullshit for feeble-minded ladies. Not one man in America will be watching this. Any dudes interested in Royal Crap are already geeking out on "Game Of Thrones," written by a guy from New Jersey who apparently added "R.R." to his name for the credibility, like umlauts on a band logo.

  30. ttommyunger

    She's gonna marry William, because that's the only way she can get to Harry. Mark my words, this ruthless cunt is about as interested in William as I am.

  31. TootingTricky

    She's already flown to London and is camping on the pavement outside Westminster Abbey in order to get a nice view.

  32. arihaya

    indeed ,, that's why Blackadder said "as British as Queen Victoria" basically mean that "your father was a German, you're half German and you married a German"

Comments are closed.