he's invading your teevee

Donald Trump To Reveal Some ‘Very Interesting Things’ About Obama

Do it, Rockapella!Leading fake presidential candidate Donald Trump, who is best known for his work in television in the role of “Montana Max” on Steven Spielberg’s animated series Tiny Toon Adventures, notified CNN he’s still keeping a team of sexy investigators on the sexy beaches of Hawaii to track down President Obama’s sexy past. “At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things,” Trump said. Cool! Was it that the president played a lot of basketball growing up? Probably! That’s pretty interesting! Was it that he took drugs as a young man? We’d bet that’s it. We’re glad Trump is doing the country this tremendous public service. The news media have never looked into finding any details about Obama’s life, and it’s about time we learned a thing or two about his biography.

According to our source close to Trump (a cartoon sack of gold coins with a dollar sign on it), President Obama may in fact be a black man, and his middle name probably starts with the letter “H.” Very interesting things.

Some people may think journalists have been following leads on Obama’s background for years. But that’s just not the case. For example, do we know how old Obama is? No. He’s probably in his mid-eighties, but it’s hard to tell, because the media doesn’t bother to look into these things.

The only way we will ever find out the man’s biographical details is if a group of ornery people in shacks with Internet connections out in the woods raise the questions. And the only one who can provide the answers is a cartoon rich man who can do things like run off a cliff and not fall until he realizes he ran off a cliff. Or comb long strands of back hair forward to give him hair on his head. Silly. [CNN]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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162 comments

      1. V572..whatever

        In the Aloha State, people classified as "Native Hawaiians" form the majority of the population. And yet they're considered a minority for legal purposes. This is just one of the many mysteries of Hawaii.

        1. vulpes82

          You should read Sarah Vowell's new book, Unfamiliar Fishes. It's all about the Hawaiian missionaries and their pineapple kingpin grandchildren who overthrew the monarchy and annexed the islands to the U.S. Numbers don't always guarantee "majority" status!

          1. V572..whatever

            Yeah, that’s exactly the problem. Women are a majority of the US population but are given “minority” status for certain legal purposes. While words can acquire new meanings and shades of meaning over the years, when they acquire the opposite of their original meaning, there’s no hope for language or understanding.I love HI and have been there a bunch. Did you know about Niʻihau, “the forbidden island,” owned in its entirety by a Haole but occupied by thirty tribes of Native Hawaiians who live in a Stone Age culture? Or that Molokai was a leper colony? Or that the island now called Kahoʻolawe was once known as “Target Island” and was used by the military as a free fire zone for many years, and that we’ve expended $250M to clean it up with no measurable success?I could go on and on.

          2. vulpes82

            I've not had the privilege of visiting Hawaii. Yet, anyway. In fourth grade, for some reason, we had a Hawaiian history course. We did a luau and everything. That's the closest I've ever gotten.

          3. V572..whatever

            Hula and luaus and ukeleles are part of Hawaiian culture to be sure. Up until sometime between 700 and 1100 AD when the first humans arrived in HI from elsewhere in Polynesia, there were no mammals there. Birds nested on the ground. There are still no snakes. The world's entire population of some rare species of snails live only in a single tree in HI.

            If you go there you won't be disappointed.

          4. OneDollarJuana

            I had a Hawaiian-style pizza once.

            Come to think of it, there is absolutely nothing in a HSP that is Hawaiian. Not the tomatoes, not the cheese, not the wheat-based crust, not the Canadian bacon, not even the pineapple. How did it get that name?

          5. devlynaskurt

            because the canadian who invented hawaiian pizza gave it that name. seriously. check wikipedia, but more importantly, check the references noted.

            pineapple in the 50s and 60s was closely associated with hawaii, tho it was not native to hawaii, mainly because of the pineapple plantations that used to dominate the agricultural landscape here (along with sugar).

        2. devlynaskurt

          native hawaiians do NOT form the majority. according to 2009 US census, caucasians are 30% of population; asians almost 40%. in contrast, native hawaiians (those who can trace ancestry in the islands pre-captain cook's arrival in 1770s) are only 9.2% of hawaii's population.

      2. GunToting[Redacted]

        True, but I thought we considered them "Asian," which is a good kind of colored… Very confusing.

        1. arihaya

          technically Native Hawaiian is called Austronesian peoples, just like Barry's step-father who is Javanese

    1. widestanceroman

      I heard it has a pink hotel and a swingin' hot spot.

      (sounds pretty dirty taken out of context, no?)

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        More Hawai'i fun fax: It's easier to score weed on tiny, rural Kauai than the more urban and cosmopolitan Oahu. In fact, if you keep yours eyes open, you can usually find some to pick along the roadside.

        Friend of mine with a timeshare there pointed this out to me when I came to spend a week with him. We're both family men and haven't used the stuff in years, but we were giggling like schoolgirls over all the little open plantations we spotted along the roadside, next to hiking trails, in the yards of unoccupied houses in town, etc.

    2. devlynaskurt

      fyi, the entire state of hawaii's population numbers nearly 1.3 million, with about 188 people per square mile and is something like 13th of all US states and territories in terms of highest population density, according to the US census.

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    I hope he starts wearing a monocle, a top hat, spats, and a walrus mustache like the Monopoly rich dude.

    1. johnnymeatworth

      There is NO WAY he would win second prize in a beauty contest. He's not getting my ten dollars.

  2. Tundra Grifter

    WoW! If Donald Chump thought he had good relations with The Blacks before – this should certainly seal the deal.

    1. V572..whatever

      Someone should ask Trump how his relations are with other foreign entities in our midst, such as the Mexicans and the Jews.

  3. SorosBot

    Donald's investigators will be going to Obama's elementary school to track down his permanent record. Now we'll find out what he's hiding – that he was reprimanded for talking back to the teacher in second grade, and failed to do his homework several times.

    1. KathrynSane

      We can only hope his sleuths subscribe to the "pics or it didn't happen" style of investigation.

      1. Dr_Zoidberg

        Yes, please…..lots and lots of pictures. Uh…purely for investigative purposes, of course!

    2. kissawookiee

      I'll believe that when I see the circumcision certificate, and then only if the "before" and "after" boxes are appropriately checked.

      1. Dr_Zoidberg

        Correction: that's not even a whole platform. He's got a plank, plank and half, of a platform.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          What's he need a platform for? He's not running for office, he's promoting a gol-danged teevee show.

          Can't you people get that through your heads?

    1. GOPCrusher

      That and he's going to start making other countries pay our bills. Not loan us money to pay the bills, but actually sending them a bill and demand payment.

  4. Barb

    “At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things,”
    I find it hard to believe that the Donald finds anything interesting, besides himself.

  5. harry_palmer

    If he runs his businesses spending time and resources as wisely as he does running his campaign, The Donald has not filed for his last bankruptcy.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Back in 1988 I was cold call selling continuing legal certification courses for Prentiss-Hall. Got Fred Trump (Donald's father) on my list and he answered the phone. Chatted for a few minutes after my semi-scripted speil and he agreed to buy the course. It was someting like "Debt Management: Legal Alternatives to Bankruptcy."

  6. PsycWench

    “At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things,” Trump said.
    Translation: If I dig up anything that isn't completely refutable and that will excite the teabaggers, I'll… allude to it for a few days and then drop it completely. If I had something to say right now, I would be saying it.

    1. Ruhe

      An absence of evidence is not evidence of an absence of evidence but is, rather, only evidence of the insidious extent of the conspiracy to create the appearance of an absence of evidence! Birthers et al have a logic muscle in their brains that is so big it allows them to transcend rationality.

  7. bureaucrap

    Why wait for the conclusion of an "investigation", Donald? You've been making up stuff all along, what's stopping you from making more stuff up now?

  8. CapeClod

    I'll bet the Donald has finally solved the riddle of what sort of gas Obama inhales and expires in order to sustain his grip on life.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I've been told he regularly ingests significant quantities of pure dihydrogen monoxide with no apparent ill effects. Weird and creepy.

  9. harry_palmer

    Donald's reality TV sense of drama makes Bedtime for Bonzo positively Shakespearean in comparison.

  10. arihaya

    let me say Jack,,,

    apparently CNN and other lame-stream media are trying to erode Wonkette viewership, by publishing exceedingly and increasingly ridiculous, nonsense stories that should have been only published in site like Wonkette

  11. metamarcisf

    Trump would put a halt to this investigation in a heartbeat if only the President would release his birth certificate to the public.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Trump would then announce he is investigating the building permits of the hospital. Remember Juan McCain told everyone in 2007 that he was born in a hospital that was built four years after his birth.

  12. BZ1

    The Donald is still the very embodiment of the detached from reality folk that if they didn't have pesos, would be slobbering away on street corners…

  13. Doktor Zoom

    Mr. Trump's plans will come tragically undone when his spy equipment, manufactured by the ACME Company, catastrophically fails, leaving him momentarily flattened or shaped like a frying pan. Mr. Obama's only comment on the fiasco will be a cryptic "Meep! Meep!" as he vanishes in a cloud of dust.

  14. JoshuaNorton

    Favorite DT quote:

    "I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business"

    See? Smart, huh?

  15. Negropolis

    For example, do we know how old Obama is? No. He’s probably in his mid-eighties, but it’s hard to tell, because the media doesn’t bother to look into these things.

    Well, that, and because black doesn't crack, of course.

    Seriously, though, I'm literally laughing out loud at the moment over Trumps self-promotion. It's like he just can't help himself. What a whore.

  16. freakishlywrong

    I'd say this was getting embarrassing if I could uncurl myself from the fetal position under my bead. Basically, it's getting OLD.

  17. [redacted]hse

    My guess is Trump has found out about all the dead girls and live boys. It's not easy to conceal something that existed on such a massive scale.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    Based on his own experience as a "writer," Trump simply assumes that Obama hired a ghostwriter to make shit up for him.

  19. PubOption

    According to Wikipedia, Donald's father was Frederick Christ Trump. Does this explain Donald's standing with the teabaggers and/or his megalomania?

  20. 4tehlulz_lite

    He discovered that Obama's birth certificate is on white paper, which, following Ann Coulter's rules of citation, will be "Obama…is…white".

    (Sadly, this actually is a theory about the birth certificate.)

  21. Negropolis

    Dickhole Trump wishes he could delegitimize the president as a United States citizen. Alas, even he's not that rich. Donald, you can buy a shit-load with the American dollar, but even you can't buy this.

    Now, why don't you get lost and go do what you do best. You know, running projects and companies into the grown. Like a reverse Midas, everything you touch turns to complete and utter shit.

  22. Serolf_Divad

    The detective is going to reveal that Obama has declared bankruptcy on numerous occasions and married a succession of ever younger Eastern European blondes.

  23. KeepFnThatChicken

    He may discover that Obama is likely uncircumcised, and that he likes ham. So he's trying to create a wedge between Barry and the Jews and Mohametans…?

  24. Doktor Zoom

    "At a certain point in time I'll be revealing some interesting things," Trump hinted. "For instance, I know that the mol­e­cules in the President's body are trace­able to phe­nom­ena in the cos­mos. That makes me want to grab peo­ple in the street and say, “Have you heard this?"

  25. comptoneffect

    CNN Breaking News: Trump sponsored investigation shows that President Obama is actually two cleverly disguised children in a trench coat pulling the prank of the century.

  26. HempDogbane

    I have also started combing my back hair up and over my head and it's working great, other than my needing to have someone else tie my shoes for me, which wouldn't be a problem for Mr. Trump. He must have people for that. So, don't knock it if you haven't tried it !

  27. baconzgood

    PEEEEZ!!!!! Why must I be stuck in the bog of 112p land. It's been a week since my pee moved. Do I need Viagra?

    1. SorosBot

      The higher the P gets, the longer it takes to go up again. Or, P goes up, P goes down; how d'you explain that?

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      Meh… I've been stuck at 104 for weeks. So far it hasn't affected my ability to pick up tranny hookers at the rest stops.

  28. arihaya

    because Trump is afraid of Maumau rebels

    (despite the fact that the Maumau are predominantly Kikuyu, while Papa Obama was a Luo)

  29. OvertonWindolt

    Oh no, now "Celebrity Apprentice" is going to pull all of its advertising from Wonkette :(

  30. freakishlywrong

    Ugh. Trump. I'm through with this asshair. "America's accountant" got fucking booed yesterday, people, boooooooed. And it appears as though the Kenyan usurper has found his pair again and will make Republicans cry at his "tone". Yay!

  31. Barb

    I think the most interesting thing that Trump is about to find out is that Pandora's box, like Andy Dick, swings both ways.

    1. mereoblivion

      You mean someone could find out something profoundly nauseating about DT himself that we don't already know?!

  32. mavenmaven

    It appears to me that there is no good candidate from the Republican side, so as a result they will gather all their leadership together and form a "supreme leadership (Совет)" from which they will carry out unilaterally the Will of Industry.

  33. prommie

    Whenever I see the Donald I feel the strong urge to start looking for some rope. And a torch, and a pitchfork, and a stout tree-limb, or at least a lamppost.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I'm impressed that a) she has the time to spare to be victim by proxy for other people, and 2) that she would bother to do so, seeing she is incapable of relating to other people in any manner other than "are you of use to me?"

  34. Ruhe

    The lamestream media needs to take a cue from the sports media. Plenty of tough questions are being asked in that sector about NFL quarterback prospect Cam Newton. And being asked for a very compelling reason, I might add (wink).

  35. johnnymeatworth

    They're also doing field work for "Celebrity Apprentice: The Cabinet Edition" in which The President Donald will weed out contestants vying for Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare.

    1. JoeBiteme

      Actually, that's not a half-bad idea.
      "Ray LaHood, sleeping on the job isn't classy. You're fired."

  36. widestanceroman

    Mrs. O and a few too many drinks could reveal something "interesting" about O. This cumraghead from Big Bankruptcy, not so much.

  37. Hatrabbit

    I can't wait till Trump gets elected and saves our economy by getting the Senate and the Congress to form two teams and sell hot dogs in Central Park while dressed as chimpanzees,.

    The team with the most sales after one hour gets showered with Lobbyist gifts, the losers will see Trump in the boardroom.

    Welcome back, America.

  38. BarackMyWorld

    Do these dickheads even realize that getting Obama removed from office would just make Joe Biden president?

    Idiots.

  39. DaRooster

    “At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things,”…

    Like who's fired?
    What's on your head?
    How to be an annoying, loud-mouth, rip-off bastard?
    Fuck off Douche!

  40. Ruhe

    Remember though that at the end of that debacle Geraldo, practically through tears, speculated that perhaps some of the crap they found might be worth something. Trump knows that in the game he's playing regardless of what they find it's the digging that is of value.

  41. CapnFatback

    Donald Trump is the Sarah Palin of 2011 in that I find myself wishing that there were fewer Wonkette posts with him as the subject.

  42. notreelyhelping

    You notice how you never see this Donald and Disney's Donald at the same time? Coincidence? Yeah…just like all that other stuff is a "coincidence."

  43. Ruhe

    Because that's where the villagers who witnessed his birth from a jackal were taken for disposal. Hillary referred cryptically to this incident in the odd title of her book with the "It" of course referring to Obama.

  44. natoslug

    If he wants some really good investigating done, he should send me to investigate Barry in Hawaii. Then a few weeks in Milan. Then Paris. But does he? No! Always trying to keep the White Man down…

  45. horsedreamer_1

    Biggest scandal: Barack once attended the Pro Bowl football match among the interconference all-stars. Who does that?

  46. donner_froh

    If only our system of electing a President involved something like a campaign that takes two years, every second of which is covered by an ever more intrusive press combined with rooms full of opposition researchers tracking down everything that every happened in your life–then we wouldn't have to depend on the whims of a rich guy who gets interested three years after the election.

  47. hagajim

    Look – he's the perfect Preznit….he can spend a shitload of money on stuff he doesn't need and that everyone already knows….fucking assclown!

  48. Buckminster

    What? Candidates for president have to fill out a bunch of long, complicated, disclosure forms? Who'd have thought?

  49. DangerHelvetica

    Turns out Obama spend several months AWOL during his Air Force days, and lied about what happened on those swift boats.

  50. martiniolives2

    Shouldn't he be sending his "crack" team of investigators to Kenya? Has he considered the outcome of he and the other loonies are ever proven correct – President Joe Biden!

  51. thescoots

    actually….Obama didn't write his autobiographies….his friends did it for him. Just for the record…who in their 40s writes two autobiographies? These works of fiction are nothing more than the slick brochures to market the wooden nickel which is Barack Obama….While I personally wasn't conned into voting for the counterfeit commandant…..I must live with his marxism until the aggregate intelligence of America is elevated in November of 12 to a point sufficient to redirect Michelle's penchon for lobster and champagne elsewhere……anywhere for that matter.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Where the scrawlings by one Sarah Palin are considered as the Sacred Tomes of Tea Baggery?
      Who would be better equipped to actually write a book? A Constitutional Law Professor or a failed beauty contest participant/TV sports reader/half-term Governor of a state that a smaller population than most cities?

      1. thescoots

        wrongo…Obama was never a "constitutional" professor. …He was a "visiting scholar"..which is basically an honorary credential…not earned. Look it up. …sort of like his Nobel prize….you know….the one he got before he started the war in Libya? The point was, and is….Who writes TWO autobiographies? Who does that? And why? You won't find another example of someone who isn't 80 years old and simply wrote a sequel to pick up where they left off…This guy is in his 40's and has written two autobiographies…OK…I will tell you…Narcissism and marketing. He's manufactured and is a fraud…period.

  52. owhatever

    Any the Donald also plans to reveal some interesting things about … but not until he milks the birfer cow dry. Sarah weeps.

  53. GOPCrusher

    The Ridicule Train for Trump is picking up steam in Iowa as the Republiklan leadership and media outlets are publically echoing Krauthammer's contention that Donald Trump is nothing more than a side show, if not down right loonier than a shit-house rat. If he does decide to run, I would be surprised if he got more than 1 % of the Iowa Caucus votes.

  54. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Somehow, hating Donald Trump is just not quite as satisfying as hating Sarah Palin.

  55. DemonicRage

    So he divorces one wife, marries a younger woman, has a daughter, names her Tiffany, then repeats the cycle. Yeah. I want this dude to govern my country.

  56. thescoots

    Oh, we conservatives are more than ready for black conservative as President….its the lying little communists we have a problem with…You know, the ones who are destroying the private sector like barry obama/sotoro/trumpka is?

  57. thescoots

    I would vote for Herman Caine in a NY minute….for those who think the tea party or conservatives are "racists"…you are misguided…it isn't about race….its ideology…Obama is Jimmy Carter is Joy Behar is Bill Maher is Patsy Schroeder is Nancy Pelosi is Al Franken and on and on and on…..libtards are hopeless…

  58. ChessieNefercat

    Is there some big sale on ellipses over at Breitard's site? And can't any of these dumbasses use punctuation correctly?

  59. ttommyunger

    Actually, Barry lighting his own farts through sweatpants would be a lot more interesting that anything Trump ever said or did in his entire cartoon of a life.

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