New Terror Alert System Has Only Two Colors: ‘Elevated’ and ‘Imminent’

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The Wonkbot returns? IMMINENT!

  • Janet Napolitano has had a major breakthrough, people! A few days ago, Janet slipped and hit her head on her bathroom sink while trying to drink out of the toilet like an animal does, and bam!, an image of the flux capacitor a terror alert system with only two terror-colors appeared in her head. It was magic: one color was Elevated, and the other was Imminent. (Janet quickly realized that this new Terror Rainbow would create enough Panic to power her DeLorean torture machine, which she could use to transport Bradley Manning to rape prisons in the future.) Uh. Anyway, new terror alter system, guys! And now there is officially no such thing as a “Low” or “Guarded” Threat Level — these levels are not even remotely possible — since we are going to be fighting imaginary bogeymen until the Earth is gobbled up by a black hole, or a giant radioactive tsunami wipes out the federal government, or maybe both. Ha-ha. Oh crap. [NPR]
  • Some big, bold changes are coming to Cuba! (Another illegal invasion? Maybe! You must clicky click and find out!) [The Globe and Mail]
  • “Stricter” enforcement of the twenty-kilometer evacuation zone around the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant has now been put in place. Time to go, this time for real! [CNN]

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Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

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112 comments

  1. Serolf_Divad

    Wow, that's like Baskin Robins simplifying its menu down to Chocolate and Rocky Fucking Road, people!!!!! Fuck vanilla, fuck strawberry, fuck that fucking "wedding cake" sugary barf-pudding abomination. Just answer me this one question: Do you want awesome or do you want AWESOMER!!!!

    I, for one, will take AWESOMER… every time!

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Could we just paint the toenails of small children with or without polka dots? Because that would also make Glen Beck cry (again.)

  2. freakishlywrong

    I think a real terror alert system really should also include "Religious Right wing conservatives" and "Teahadists". That already scares me and makes me want to duct tape my windows.

  3. Terry

    The old color coded system gave people the false belief that at some point the threat level would be minimal. This is new system is an admission that this crap ain't going to be over any time soon.

  4. hollywooddood

    But what color is it when I'm supposed to get into the kiss my ass goodbye position?

    1. Negropolis

      Black; 'cause that's the color you'll see when they put the bag over your head and whisk you bodily away to the Alaskan gulags.

  5. Negropolis

    Before you know it, we'll be down to one level: "State of Emergency." And, much like Robin Williams, it'll have but one setting: on.

    Janet Italiano don't play that multiple color shit, no siree. There's a new Minister of Love in town, and this one has a severe, aggressive, threatening haircut.

    1. Preferred Customer

      In fairness, Robin Williams actually has two settings: On and Cocaine. As with the proposed terror alert system, they are hard to distinguish from one another and neither is very pleasant.

      1. Negropolis

        Ha!

        I think the only difference in On and Cocaine is that in the latter, you can't get a word in edgewise.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I think we should go to some system based upon Spin Art, like at the carnival when you were a kid.

    2. tcaalaw

      Please, assuming that's a Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law reference, the correct level is "Blackwatch plaid." (Followed, of course, by the cover of Rush's Moving Pictures album.)

  6. iburl

    "The new alert system starts with the premise that the U.S. is at an elevated state of risk for attack. "

    What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, 86°, the birds are singing, gentle breeze and an elevated state of risk for a terror attack. Another beautiful day in Amurika.

    1. widestanceroman

      Don't worry, these will be from the praaahvite sector so will create gobs of jerbz.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Seems more like "Panic" and "Extreme Panic." I suspect this is a federal bailout for makers of anxiety medication.

    2. V572..whatever

      No, I think they're as follows:

      (1) More DoD spending
      (2) More DHS spending
      (3) (1) and (2)

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    What was with all those stupid colors under Ridge & Chertoff? If you want something done without the frills, get a large asexual woman who looks like she could beat the shit out of you to do it.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      So henceforth when the government says "imminent", we should start thinking about getting our mouths away from the cock, unless we want to deal with the cleanup?

  8. Monsieur_Grumpe

    They could have at least created a level called “Everything is cool”, “Have a nice day” or “Relax have a homebrew”. Yeah, I know, I’m an optimist.

    1. Negropolis

      The Wonkbot never sleeps. At least not how us humans define such an action. Much like the common bottlenose dolphin, Wonkbot half-sleeps, cycling down one drive at a time but while always leaving one on.

      1. CliveWarren

        "Wonkbot half-sleeps, cycling down one drive at a time but while always leaving one on."

        Or non-RAM sleep as it is called.

  9. Chillwaver

    I'd like to take this opportunity to thank all the downfisting trolls for finally coming out yesterday.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Why do they downfist? What's the obsession? I don't go over to any of the Godawful "Big" sites and just cold downfist. I don't go over anyway, but that's another post.

      1. Chillwaver

        They are under the impressions that:
        1. We give a shit.
        2. We are going to go to Breitfart's moneymaking sites and do the same.
        3. Makes up for their shortcomings in life (lack of education, low income jerbs, obesity, diabeetus, ugly wives, closeted homosexuality, etc).
        4. It helps towards their non-existing "Conservative Revolution" that will ultimately get the "Negro" out of the WH is '12.

        1. jus_wonderin

          I really think that when one is on dial-up, actually typing and "submitting" a comment would take hours.

          That, or they are too dumb-ass stupid to think of anything to say.

          Downfist for Freedom!!!

  10. Goonemeritus

    This reminds me of a sailors take on the traditional Beaufort scale for Cape Horn. He suggested it be modified to three levels, fucking windy, really fucking windy and oh my fucking God.

  11. Negropolis

    Meh. The color-coded system was racist, anyway. I mean, Red as the highest level? What were we to expect? An imminent Injun attack on the fort?

  12. PsycWench

    Napolitano must have worked at the National Weather Service at one point, because they have a similar idea with hurricane warnings, tornado warnings, etc: have two levels and scare the crap out of people because "watch" and "warning" sound an awful lot alike.

    1. Terry

      I used to live on an island along the Gulf Coast. The highest point of the island was pretty much a median down the main road in town, otherwise a big wave from either side would roll across unimpeded by topographic features. I learned to interpret those hurricane warning levels as:

      Watch: Start packing my nice stuff just in case
      Warning: Load the car and join the crowd on the freeway

      The difference between the NWS warning system and the DHS one is that the NWS one isn't monkeyed with by politicians.

    2. widestanceroman

      I look forward to relative terror indexes, like the "feels like" temperature readings.

      "Sure, it's Elevated out there today, but it feels like planes are crashing into you."

    1. weejee

      The politically incorrect, the Cleveland's Indians & Chief Wahoo, Stanford's Indians, and my alma mater's Chief Illiniwek (whether they are still the Fighting Illini is still being debated).

    1. DaRooster

      Classic car if ever there was one. My buddy tried to outrun the cops in our small town in one… went about 10 minutes, wrong way down one ways and all while I was telling him,"Dude, we are in a Gremlin. Just pull over." He never did… but then stopped at a stop sign…
      My first arrest!! Woohoo!

        1. DaRooster

          More of a "Whiskey Bud" I guess…

          (although I do like the Gin Blossoms… especially "Can't Call It Cheatin', She reminds Me Of You")

    2. Negropolis

      I wouldn't wish those wheeled coffins on my worst enemy.

      Speaking of AMC, guess who ran the company for a time during the 50's and 60's…?

        1. Negropolis

          ¡Si!

          Republican George gave Michigan its state income tax, was a staunch supporter of the Civil Rights Movement, and eventually denounced the Vietnam War. Today, they'd call the guy a flaming liberal.

  13. PsycWench

    I'm imagining that the Cubans have a leadership podium with a sign "You must be at least 75 years old for this ride"

      1. Lost_Teabaggers

        Hey now, the Republicans took care of that with their young guns, a bunch of can-do 30-something young guys with fresh, new ideas who'll put some life in the congress with all their youth!…not those stank-ridden 60 year olds whose corpses litter the floor now! These are YOUNG guys! Oh….you mean they average 55 and over? Fuck me!

    1. Negropolis

      They should just do what they've wanted to do since 2000, and that's install Elián González as the new Castro and be done with it, already.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Elian's not much younger than Wills. Maybe they can do a joint transfer of power in Cuba/second-in-line wedding in Britain event. Juan Carlos of Spain can preside at the first, & with Elizabeth of UK there for the second, the swarthy Iberians & haughty Lobsterbacks can bury the hatchet from 1588 (defeat of la Armada Invencible).

      2. Lost_Teabaggers

        Speaking of Elian, remember back when the whole repatriation was going to happen that the wingnuts were screaming he was going to be murdered and anally raped by Castro, personally?

        Fast forward years later….apparently not only is Elian happy to be with his father, he's also college educated and doing things in Cuba. Had he been kept here, knowing our open-minded wingnuts he would have been propagandized with a daily and continuous bombardment of Limbaugh, would have grown up self-loathing being Cuban, and probably living in someones basement and anally raping small children (Limbaugh has that effect on people, psychologists literally call the disorder Limbaughism and 99% of his listeners suffer from it). Just goes to show how impeccably correct the right is, doesn't it?

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Nominally, though in truth back during the Elian drama we should have just given Rubio as a toss-in, sort of like a Cuban to be named later.

  14. Barb

    Just do away with the terror alerts. There should be one level, "pray and then bend over and kiss your ass goodbye" Then, as everyone is praying, silly creatures that they are, there should be an announcement that praying is futile. God does not answer knee-mail!

  15. gef05

    Too elitist, Janet. Try

    Feels like foreigner at Wal Mart
    Feels like foreigner renting next door

  16. BarackMyWorld

    Other rejected threat levels:

    "Smoke 'em if you got 'em."

    "Go ahead and start looting Wal-Mart."

    "Oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die."

    1. Negropolis

      Others considered:

      "Grab your guns."

      "Prepare yourselves for the Coming of the Lord; Jesus is revving up the Harley."

  17. weejee

    Follow-up on the Trig kerfuffle: Adweek has a nice series of volleys between our beloved editor Ken, Slate’s retarded David Weigel, and Adweek's Dylan Byers, where Ken just rulez. Well played Bishop Kitty.

    1. Negropolis

      Asked for clarification about whether he was serious or joking about consequences for Steuf, Layne emailed to say Steuf would be punished "In the exact way politicians (other than Palin) are always punished: He accepts full responsibility for his actions."

      Ken, that is just awesome. You've handled yourself well in all of this. I can't fault you for a thing on this particular issue. I do admit knowing there'd be some kind of blowback from that post, though. Even I was a bit uncomfortable, but not so much because of content, but just knowing how close it was to the edge in our society.

    2. V572..whatever

      I was just going to ask our esteemed editors where Herr Stuef was this morning, ha ha.

    3. jus_wonderin

      Papa John’s Pizza???

      When did they advertise on the site? I guess I know whose pizza I am NOT going to buy.

    4. glamourdammerung

      I see our troll pal Peter Ingemi has to get a whine in on there. Kind of funny since last time he was here, he was on a crying jag because I said something mean about a white supremacist (that they were a white supremacist).

  18. DaRooster

    I was going to plan a trip to Japan… but since I'm on the Cali coast I'll just wait for it to melt loose and float over here.

    Bless them folks, it still is hell over there.

  19. seppdecker

    Does Napolitano think most Americans even know the words "elevated" and "imminent?"

    Plus, there should be a W-flavored "Go shopping!" level, so folks know they're clear to run to Walmart and resupply on corn syrup.

    1. jus_wonderin

      I am with ya. Wonkbot has a comfortable personality which becomes a hole in the soul when absent.

  20. James Michael Curley

    "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." — Douglas Adams

  21. AJW@[redacted]

    I'm sorta confused, since if there was one person in our gummint that would've understood rainbow-colored threat levels, I'd have thought Janet would be that one.

  22. mavenmaven

    The only warning system that works in Merka is one that tells "conservatives" to defend the "honor" of Trig Palin. They should just flash His picture over and over again.

  23. weejee

    Well I am an olde, but yer Mum has me by a dozen. While I was at Illinois in 1966 we played da pre-tree Stanford Indians (we lost BTW – had to look that up).

  24. jus_wonderin

    These new levels are great to me. Basically because they are easy to remember. If the threat level is "elevated" I am reminded of my Aunt Ella, who strolled through life with a devil-may-care attitude. However, if the level is "imminent", I think of my Uncle Emmett, who had the…."OH MY FUCKIN" GAWD, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE"…attitude.

    See, easy.

  25. jus_wonderin

    BTW: How is this new threat level system going to work to get Republicans elected? I mean, really, you can't just announce a brighter, bolder color before elections as was done before.

  26. DahBoner

    Too complicated!

    Remember "Occam's razor" and keep the explanation simple:

    Yesterday was "420" day….

  27. alaninthecastro

    So we're saving 60 percent on paint, while still keeping the citizenry in a constant state of fear. Who says there's no difference between the two parties?

  28. hagajim

    How the hell are us color challenged supposed to deal with this…I just barely figured out what the hell muave looks like….what color is imminent?

Comments are closed.