Obama Is Actually a Somali Pirate Child

  arghh matey

15 men and a dead man's chest, yo ho ho and a bottle of rum ....Shocking new photographs from Barack Obama’s African Past reveal that he was actually a Somali pirate in Hawaii during his youth, the feared “Child Scallywag of Honolulu.” Here, pictured with Liz Phair in the early 1990s, the dread pirate O’bamar prepares to raid a British crown colony of landlubbers and then head off to the Indonesian pirate lair of “Singapore” to live under the Socialist doctrine of rum, sodomy and the lash. And even now that he’s “all growed up,” Barack Obama continues to welcome the various Pirate Kings to his mansion in Washington, where the terrible skull ‘n crossbones continues to fly beneath the disguise of “Old Glory.”

Old pirates, yes, they rob I, Sold I to the merchant ships.The New York Times stole a bunch of Obama’s family photos from a mysterious wooden chest buried ashore by the rum cache, and this picture of the youthful Obama is just one of the delights. We don’t know the other delights, as we have not looked at the article. So thanks to Wonkette operative “Charles W.” for doing this dirty pirate work for us!

Look at Cap’n Barack Sparrow deny his life of piracy:

Yarggh, but do he not have the Black Spot on his hairy palm, eh? Do he not have the “P” branded upon his lice-bitten bum?

 
Related video

Arghh, racial equality and class warfare and scurvy and “any port in a storm” for all of ye bloody pox-faced bilge swillers! Hands off me booty, ye hook-handed spooge gobbler! [NYT]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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177 comments

  1. SorosBot

    If Obama is a pirate king, does that mean Michelle's father is a very model of a modern Major General?

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      It doesn't really matter (matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter )

    1. fuflans

      sir!

      that is flat blasphemy.

      mr. depp and mr. rush were never less than brilliant even if the films were longer and more complicated than the bible and mr. bruckheimer was involved.

      also, barry never wears eye-liner.

    1. V572..whatever

      That's the only reason we're not bombing it right now! They'd rebel against the government if they had one.

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah…it really is, the closest thing to Ayn Rand's vision. I'm suprised Limpballs hasn't wandered down there to rape a boy toy and sing its praises, yet. Maybe because there's too many black people which therefore scares wingnuts?

    3. arihaya

      and they live luxuriously by taking money from other people hard works,,, just like Ayn Rand

  2. arihaya

    btw most Indonesians do consider Singapore as "pirate lair" because that is where the rich and corrupt bastards hide their money.

    basically Cayman Island of Southeast Asia

    1. zhubajie

      Lots of pirates in Indonesian waters, too, ambushing oil tankers in the Straits of Malacca, etc. They just don't get into the US media. There was a big upsurge after the 1997 Currency Crisis.

  3. BlueStateLibel

    Well that is one cute kid though–thanks for the nice respite from Ken Layne's posts that make me want to kill myself.

    1. Limeylizzie

      You too, I sometimes feel as if I am trapped in an elevator with Kos and Hamsher when I come to Wonkette.

  4. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    "You're the worst Kenyan Indonesian Muslim Marxist Socialist Usurper I've ever hear of!"
    "But you have heard of me."

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Shhhh….don't say it, L.Brent Bozell spent too much money trolling billboards in major cities to try and get the press to play along with the whole "radical socialist" nonsense….you'll make him cry. There's nothing worse than a closeted, angry beard o' hatred crying…well, nothing that doesn't involve the word "naked", anyway.

      1. Mort_Sinclair

        That photo is too fucking cute for words. He could use that thing as a weapon. Every time the left gets mad at him, he whips out this photo and we all go, "Awww…..weren't you just the cutest thing?" Then we all remember how much he sucks and we say, "Grow a fucking spine instead of that 'stache!"

  5. prommie

    Ken, are you celebrating Dope Day? There is a certain free-form silliness going on here that makes me have to ask, do you know someone who could hook a guy up?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      So prommie, you're thinking a little dobage might put Ken in a less sour mood? Yeah….that might work until he checks the news…Ken is like the internet text version of Lewis Black, and I like Lewis Black, he's funny. Now, back to smokin' a bowl, I don't want to be the only non-stoned person in coastal Oregon today…

  6. KeepFnThatChicken

    See, instantly, I flash back to Bush. He would have answered that goddamn question with a ham-fisted dumbass answer. Barack just wants to get to work, but "these fuckin' people with their pirate and alien questions…"

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      shit, Bush would rape the English language in his answer, then Palin would force it to buy its own rape kit with the cash proceeds going to subsidize the Koch brothers who'd spend money to privatize the rape kits so they can be more expensive…conservative cycle of life, my friend.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    Figures Barry's family would celebrate that pagan ritual known as Halloween. At least he's in costume & young. I'm sure Snowbilly's kids just go around with empty pillowcases, knock on people's doors & hold the pillowcase out, not even bothering with the whole 'trick or treat' niceties. Sorry, hate those little shits who do that.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      And second most I hate the ones who slap on a hockey mask and call it a costume. Baby lollipops for them.

  8. DashboardBuddha

    I am not ashamed to admit that I have a stuffed parrot just like the one in the picture and I too use it when I dress up like a pirate.

    1. widestanceroman

      –snark off:

      I am somewhat ashamed to say I have a real ex-parrot in my freezer, a pet of some 24 years that died this winter, and which I still have not had the courage to bury.

      –snark on

      1. freakishlywrong

        I so get that. We had one, (Hank), and he flew away! We used to let him freestyle outside sometimes and one day, like a jet, gone. Since I live in Fla. where we have many wild parrots, I tell myself he's leader of one the squawky flocks that zoom around.

        1. widestanceroman

          How awful. At least your climate allows for Hank to survive–and conquer! Living in a far more northern locale, frozen earth prevented me from doing the deed right away, and now it's become A Thing. That I have admitted to on Wonkette.

      2. DashboardBuddha

        Don't feel bad…I have the ashes of a beloved cat on my bookshelf. The vet gives the ashes back to the pet owner in such a nice little box with the pet's name on a plaque. I don't think I'll ever throw her away.

        1. Limeylizzie

          These are the things that make me love you. I had to have my beloved cat, Nigel, put down 4 years ago and I still cry about him sometimes, he was the cat of my dreams.

          1. DashboardBuddha

            Yep, that describes Emily. I had her for 18 years. She was with me through a divorce, a bankruptcy, many failed relationships, several apartments. When things were their darkest, I carried on because I worried about who would take care of her. She was my little furry anchor.

          2. tessiee

            Don't cry, Lizzie and Buddha.

            Nigel and Emily are in Kitty Heaven with my kitties: Rumple, Meathead, Figaro, Dandelion, and Mango. My theory is that Kitty Heaven has a milk fountain, trees and curtains to climb, and a couch covered in very expensive fabric that tears all to shit when scratched… but our kitties were happy and loved and well taken care of in this life, and that's what's important.

        2. widestanceroman

          Thanks, Dash. I also have a dog's ashes on the mantle.

          Damn thing is, after caring for BoBo for 24 years, and sweeping every molted feather up as a matter of course, somehow I have none to save, unless I pluck one from his frozen remains (which I doubt I could bring myself to do).

          Sorry for hijacking with all dead pet stuff, guys.

          1. DashboardBuddha

            "Sorry for hijacking with all dead pet stuff, guys."

            no worries.

            Here…"Republicans suck donkey dick" There, back on track.

          2. p_mouse

            When my last dog but one got elderly I started saving the undercoat that came off when I groomed him. After he died, I washed, carded, and spun the doghair, and knitted a little square blankie that I sewed onto a baby pillow and gave to the new puppy.

            She's sixteen now, and still sleeps on it.

          3. widestanceroman

            I am blown away by your account! That is about the most touching tribute I've ever read or heard of. Had I had the same foresight, I might have a grand boa made from parrots past.

            Give that gal a big hug from me.

          4. p_mouse

            Thanks. Animals bring out the best in me.

            Well, usually. I wasn't so successful with birds, myself. I had a pair of lovebirds whom I named Abelard and Heloise, but it was a misnomer; I should have named the male Bluebeard — he killed his first mate, so I got another female and did everything the books and websites said to do about acclimatizing and introducing them. No joy — after he killed two more females I gave up. He lived on for quite a while, but I had missed the opportunity to socialize him either to humans or birds.

            Beautiful little fellas, lovebirds (and interesting to watch esp. after they've ingested a bud or two of Purple Haze) but destructive?? Holy cow.

            I've occasionally been tempted to try again, maybe with finches, but I fear I simply don't have the avian knack. Pretty good with dawgs, though.

            Do you know http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ??

      3. ThundercatHo

        I have my old dog's ashes too plus a little pottery ornament the nice vet people made me from his pawprint. He was the best dog ever. I never cried so much in my life when he died. I predict you will find the courage one fine spring day real soon.

      4. rubyslippers

        Are you me? Because I have the same parrot in the freezer dilemna. Just yesterday my best friend said I need to get over blaming my sons sensitivities, and bury the damn thing.

  9. Lucidamente1

    Well, Churchill did supposedly say "Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash," but I always thought he meant Edward VII's yacht.

  10. Doktor Zoom

    Incidentally, there's been no end of recent research on the deeply democratic nature of organization on pirate ships. They elected their officers, and while the captain's orders were unquestioningly obeyed in battle, a poor captain was subject to being voted out of office–as several were.

    They also had socialized medicine, limits on CEO pay, and worker's comp. If you lost a leg, you knew you'd be compensated.

  11. el_donaldo

    a) A pirate in the White House? If that Toot Sweet motherfucker from the video Jack posted yesterday turns out to be right about anything, life has lost all meaning and purpose.

    b) It can't be Liz Phair – she's not flashing her tits.

  12. Dr_Zoidberg

    I'd like to volunteer to check Obama's bum. I'm gonna need you guys to distract Michelle….

  13. mayor_quimby

    Somebody spent a lot of money on that Columbia English BA and Journalism degree!:

    The photograph showed the son, but my eye gravitated toward the mother. That first glimpse was surprising — the stout, pale-skinned woman in sturdy sandals, standing squarely a half-step ahead of the lithe, darker-skinned figure to her left. His elas­tic-band body bespoke discipline, even asceticism. Her form was well padded, territory ceded long ago to the pleasures of appetite and the forces of anatomical destiny. He had the studied casualness of a catalog model, in khakis, at home in the viewfinder. She met the camera head-on, dressed in hand-loomed textile dyed indigo, a silver earring half-hidden in the cascading curtain of her dark hair. She carried her chin a few degrees higher than most. His right hand rested on her shoulder, lightly.

    Haughty much?

        1. mayor_quimby

          How the fuck does he know it was hand loomed? if he can find that, surely he would have found the fake birth cert?

    1. Fare la Volpe

      My writing professor told me first semester that purple pose is a harsher addiction than crack.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        At first, I thought you meant "purple prose". But on second thought, nah, you're right.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Hey, N-I-C, off topic, but just wanted to say congrats to you hard-working folks for getting all those petitions filed. Wish I could fund a couple of those commercials for you myself. All the best …

    2. Chet Kincaid

      Fucking ADD whiners. If you can manage to dose yourself long enough to read an article that is longer than a Wonkette post, you might learn something about why Barry acts the way he does–a subject many of you spend a lot of time cursing about.

      I love you guys, but Jesus, get a grip.

      1. Toomush_Infer

        Well, somebody needs a Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum today… (sorry, Chet, couldn't resist)….

      2. mayor_quimby

        Good point, I printed the whole thing on that stuff, whatsitcalled… paper, that's it, to read it later. I was tripping on how curly and fancy the language is. But then I read further down the page and saw it was adapted from a book, so that makes sense.
        But Ms. Scott certainly did earn that book advance money

  14. Lascauxcaveman

    Still don't don't quite understand that, mom is pretty cute for girl named Stanley. Maybe too independent-minded for the old guy.

  15. freakishlywrong

    Goddamn it he's cute. Pirates were not interested in bipartisanship or "reaching across the aisle". Please live up to your roots.

  16. CalamityJames

    And I live in Alabama, so I can get "hooked up" in basically any mini-mall parking lot in the state.

  17. BlueMonkeh

    Cheezus – now someone needs to dig up some pix of Don Trump in one of the little lord fauntleroy getups of his youth – only it won't be from Halloween and it won't be cute.

    Cap’n Barack Sparrow

    Ha!

  18. weejee

    Ken, the troll is late to work this morning and that is costing you page views. You need to send a complaint to the Koch brothers.

    1. V572..whatever

      Are conservatives allowed to get high? That could explain the absence. I know libertarians are…

  19. Ken Layne

    Conversation with my six-year-old after watching Pirates of the Caribbean:

    "So pirates could be good?"

    "Sure, some of them. If they helped escaped slaves and killed imperialists."

    "What's an imperialist?"

    "From 'empire,' one who exploits people and resources for an empire."

    "Like 'Empire Strikes Back'?"

    "Kind of. Like the British Empire."

    "The British Empire that America defeated?"

    "Yeah."

    "But you said America was a bad empire, too."

    "Well, yeah. It's time for bed now!"

    1. Ken Layne

      Not really, as Aroudj Barbarossa grew up on Lesbos, where the pirate look was old hat. Old tricorn hat. (True! The Lesbos part, anyway.)

  20. natl_indecency_cmdr

    I'm gonna tell my son to grow up pretty as the grass is green
    And whip-smart as the English Channel's wide
    And I'm gonna tell my son to keep his money in his mattress
    And his watch on any hand between his thighs
    And I'm gonna lock my son up in a tower
    Till I write my whole life story on the back of his big brown eyes

    [liz p. 'whip-smart']

  21. fartknocker

    Being a pirate, can he make Paul Ryan walk the plank in the Bermuda Triangle? That would solve a lot of my issues with Congress.

  22. James Michael Curley

    I'm stuck here in NJ where Gov. Christie is holding up the medi-ganja dispensaries. Meanwhile he has no objections to being addicted to a dozen Subway Nickle Foot Longs (with extra meat).

    1. mayor_quimby

      Yeah, that fat tuck is always on about discipline and cutting back, while sporting a 50 inch waistband. How about pushing back from the table, funny.

      1. James Michael Curley

        50 Inches is only 14 inches more than an average male at 36. Christie looks like 70 at least

    2. prommie

      Hey, Mayor, you know that even when the law eventually goes into effect noone will use it, the confounded bastards contrived to make it so that only the genuinely ill will qualify. It will make those who are prescribed REGISTER WITH THEIR LOCAL POLICE, for the love of god, who wants to do that?

      1. SorosBot

        I'm seeing comments I upfisted with just +1or even 0, so I think we've got multiple trolls today.

  23. mereoblivion

    The British Navy was all "Rum, sodomy, and the lash"? Whatever happened to cannibalism?

  24. SmutBoffin

    Obama likes stories about Conan the Cimmerian. Conan was a pirate in such tales as "Queen of the Black Coast". Obama is a pirate.

    Q.E.D.

  25. jakegittes

    Next thing you know, some right winger is going to start e-mailing a photoshopped version of that picture with the caption, "Long John Silver," if'n you know what I mean.

    1. Failure_Artist

      No, they keep those pictures for themselves, to look at late at night. Then they cry, and creep back to the bedroom before the missus finds out.

  26. prommie

    I'm checking airfare. I've been feeling very very anxious lately, pressure, anxiety, its really getting to me.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Keep looking up, keep plugging away in here. Your posts are among those I most look forward to. Sorry things are getting you down.

      1. prommie

        Oh, you are so sweet, don't worry, its nothing terribly bad, I am sure a little visit to one of those dispensaries Ken speaks of would provide immediate relief. Sadly, though, I am afraid its a chronic condition, I might have to be medicated for the rest of my life.

  27. owhatever

    That little scamp buried his birth certificate in a treasure chest and dropped it overboard just to make Donald Trump spend a fortune trying to find it. Did he capture that woman in the picture, or is she just another pirate groupie?

  28. Lost_Teabaggers

    Nice use of the lingo to demean the snowbilly, very clever. Didn't she get her boobs pumped full o' seawater? If so…then someone raised that titanic, and found it still had no booty.

  29. Lost_Teabaggers

    Yeah…she is, and so is Sarah Mclachlan…that's one "lach" I'd bury my sea monster in…

  30. portermelmoth

    Coming this fall- 1968's most hilarious new series:

    "Piracy At Seacrest Street"
    One super-smart kid's wacky adventures fighting suburban skulduggery!
    With Barry O'Bama as "Cap'n" Jellybean, Mickey Rooney as L.J. Silvers, Emmanuel Lewis as James T. Hook and Shelley Winters as Mom.

  31. DashboardBuddha

    Worry not, Liz…they haven't realized that we're a pretty tight knit group here. Every downfist results in a bunch more upfists. While it kinda fun to watch the p-score, I like folks comments better. Since nearly al of these downfisters don't comment, they're just whining little jackasses. Put it this way…if a building only held two things, my cat's ashes and the downfister, and the building were on fire, I would save the ashes first. Let someone else deal with the downfister (or the downfister's ashes – heh heh heh)

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Hey, every man for himself and no whining — it's the Ayn Rand credo. So if Downfister fries in a fire, he can only blame his inability to take responsibility for himself, amirite?

  32. poncho_pilot

    "they took him up to midnight Mass and left him in the lurch so he dropped a button in the plate and spewed up in the church."

    Rum, Sodomy, and The Lash is my favorite Pogues album. thanks for the reminder.

  33. GOPCrusher

    I thought it was the theme for the upcoming nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton.

  34. sezme

    Amazing that the birthers haven't stumbled upon the fact that Barack's mother's first name was Stanley. All kinds of disrespectful hay could be made with that one.

  35. BeWoot

    I'm so excited. I blew through my "20 free pageviews" several Krugman's/Collin's columns ago and yet I get to gaze upon the New York Times again. For free!
    Thanks, Wonkette. I will always love you.

  36. zhubajie

    Aren't Somali pirates the sorts of entrepreneurs we're supposed to admire? Lots of libertarians like to crow about how "free" it is there, although they never emigrate.

  37. zhubajie

    One of John Major's cabinet members did manage to kill himself while engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation, as I recall.

  38. CessnaDriver

    Woman at the door on Halloween: "I see you're a Pirate!"

    Barry: "Yes, I am."

    Woman: "Where are you Buccaneers?"

    Barry: "Under my bucking hat!"

  39. Jukesgrrl

    OMG, they even downfist Cuban rum? They have no heart in addition to no brains. I put you back to one. It's the least I can do.

  40. Negropolis

    Most adorable childhood photo of a president, or most adorable childhood photo of a president, ever?

  41. DarkStar_88

    And I thought the joke comparing her twat to her mouth was a good "oooh, burrrn!" moment. Well done, Barb!

  42. problemwithcaring

    As a mother of a small Somalis pirate child, I respectfully request that Wonkette take down this hurtful and mean-spirited post!!!

    lol….just fucking with you.

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