Obama Is Actually a Somali Pirate Child

 
 Shocking new photographs from Barack Obama's African Past reveal that he was actually a Somali pirate in Hawaii during his youth, the feared "Child Scallywag of Honolulu." Here, pictured with Liz Phair in the early 1990s, the dread pirate O'bamar prepares to raid a British crown colony of landlubbers and then head off to the Indonesian pirate lair of "Singapore" to live under the Socialist doctrine of rum, sodomy and the lash. And even now that he's "all growed up," Barack Obama continues to welcome the various Pirate Kings to his mansion in Washington, where the terrible skull 'n crossbones continues to fly beneath the disguise of "Old Glory."

 
 TheNew York Timesstole a bunch of Obama's family photos from a mysterious wooden chest buried ashore by the rum cache, and this picture of the youthful Obama is just one of the delights. We don't know the other delights, as we have not looked at the article. So thanks to Wonkette operative "Charles W." for doing this dirty pirate work for us!

Look at Cap'n Barack Sparrow deny his life of piracy:

Yarggh, but do he not have the Black Spot on his hairy palm, eh? Do he not have the "P" branded upon his lice-bitten bum?

Arghh, racial equality and class warfare and scurvy and "any port in a storm" for all of ye bloody pox-faced bilge swillers! Hands off me booty, ye hook-handed spooge gobbler! [ NYT ]