Shocking new photographs from Barack Obama’s African Past reveal that he was actually a Somali pirate in Hawaii during his youth, the feared “Child Scallywag of Honolulu.” Here, pictured with Liz Phair in the early 1990s, the dread pirate O’bamar prepares to raid a British crown colony of landlubbers and then head off to the Indonesian pirate lair of “Singapore” to live under the Socialist doctrine of rum, sodomy and the lash. And even now that he’s “all growed up,” Barack Obama continues to welcome the various Pirate Kings to his mansion in Washington, where the terrible skull ‘n crossbones continues to fly beneath the disguise of “Old Glory.”
The New York Times stole a bunch of Obama’s family photos from a mysterious wooden chest buried ashore by the rum cache, and this picture of the youthful Obama is just one of the delights. We don’t know the other delights, as we have not looked at the article. So thanks to Wonkette operative “Charles W.” for doing this dirty pirate work for us!
Look at Cap’n Barack Sparrow deny his life of piracy:
Yarggh, but do he not have the Black Spot on his hairy palm, eh? Do he not have the “P” branded upon his lice-bitten bum?
Arghh, racial equality and class warfare and scurvy and “any port in a storm” for all of ye bloody pox-faced bilge swillers! Hands off me booty, ye hook-handed spooge gobbler! [NYT]
{ 177 comments }
If Obama is a pirate king, does that mean Michelle's father is a very model of a modern Major General?
It doesn't really matter (matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter matter )
Hah! And no, that's okay…don't sing it.
Yay!
I'll fist to that!
Barry is cooler than Jack Sparrow
Now that's just untrue.
sir!
that is flat blasphemy.
mr. depp and mr. rush were never less than brilliant even if the films were longer and more complicated than the bible and mr. bruckheimer was involved.
also, barry never wears eye-liner.
+2?? Do the downfisters hate Johnny Depp, too? So much hate, so few Doritos.
Pirates of the Kenya Bein'. John Boehner plays Squidface.
well done
Somalia is a libertarian paradise, just saying.
Yep! NO LAWS AT ALL.
That's the only reason we're not bombing it right now! They'd rebel against the government if they had one.
I'm taking up a collection to put up a statue of Ayn Rand in Mogadishu.
Ayn's statue should just quit sponging and pay for itself.
So Obama can expect a surge in popularity among tea partiers, then.
Yeah…it really is, the closest thing to Ayn Rand's vision. I'm suprised Limpballs hasn't wandered down there to rape a boy toy and sing its praises, yet. Maybe because there's too many black people which therefore scares wingnuts?
and they live luxuriously by taking money from other people hard works,,, just like Ayn Rand
Exile in Pirateville.
That’s Somali coast guard to you Mr. oppressor of the downtrodden pants.
btw most Indonesians do consider Singapore as "pirate lair" because that is where the rich and corrupt bastards hide their money.
basically Cayman Island of Southeast Asia
Lots of pirates in Indonesian waters, too, ambushing oil tankers in the Straits of Malacca, etc. They just don't get into the US media. There was a big upsurge after the 1997 Currency Crisis.
Well that is one cute kid though–thanks for the nice respite from Ken Layne's posts that make me want to kill myself.
You too, I sometimes feel as if I am trapped in an elevator with Kos and Hamsher when I come to Wonkette.
It's hateful if you call him a butt pirate, though.
Marge: "Does that earring mean you're a pirate?"
Swashbuckler: "Kinda…"
"You're the worst Kenyan Indonesian Muslim Marxist Socialist Usurper I've ever hear of!"
"But you have heard of me."
Shhhh….don't say it, L.Brent Bozell spent too much money trolling billboards in major cities to try and get the press to play along with the whole "radical socialist" nonsense….you'll make him cry. There's nothing worse than a closeted, angry beard o' hatred crying…well, nothing that doesn't involve the word "naked", anyway.
Isn't that Michelle Bachmann in that pic? The plot thickens.
Well, that photo is no birth certificate, but it is a Certificate of Adorableness!
Show us the long-form Certificate of Adorableness!!!1!
That photo is too fucking cute for words. He could use that thing as a weapon. Every time the left gets mad at him, he whips out this photo and we all go, "Awww…..weren't you just the cutest thing?" Then we all remember how much he sucks and we say, "Grow a fucking spine instead of that 'stache!"
Ken, are you celebrating Dope Day? There is a certain free-form silliness going on here that makes me have to ask, do you know someone who could hook a guy up?
Grow your own. It's easy to do…
So prommie, you're thinking a little dobage might put Ken in a less sour mood? Yeah….that might work until he checks the news…Ken is like the internet text version of Lewis Black, and I like Lewis Black, he's funny. Now, back to smokin' a bowl, I don't want to be the only non-stoned person in coastal Oregon today…
See, instantly, I flash back to Bush. He would have answered that goddamn question with a ham-fisted dumbass answer. Barack just wants to get to work, but "these fuckin' people with their pirate and alien questions…"
shit, Bush would rape the English language in his answer, then Palin would force it to buy its own rape kit with the cash proceeds going to subsidize the Koch brothers who'd spend money to privatize the rape kits so they can be more expensive…conservative cycle of life, my friend.
Figures Barry's family would celebrate that pagan ritual known as Halloween. At least he's in costume & young. I'm sure Snowbilly's kids just go around with empty pillowcases, knock on people's doors & hold the pillowcase out, not even bothering with the whole 'trick or treat' niceties. Sorry, hate those little shits who do that.
Lots of tricks later on that night.
And second most I hate the ones who slap on a hockey mask and call it a costume. Baby lollipops for them.
well done!
Thanks!
I am not ashamed to admit that I have a stuffed parrot just like the one in the picture and I too use it when I dress up like a pirate.
–snark off:
I am somewhat ashamed to say I have a real ex-parrot in my freezer, a pet of some 24 years that died this winter, and which I still have not had the courage to bury.
–snark on
I so get that. We had one, (Hank), and he flew away! We used to let him freestyle outside sometimes and one day, like a jet, gone. Since I live in Fla. where we have many wild parrots, I tell myself he's leader of one the squawky flocks that zoom around.
How awful. At least your climate allows for Hank to survive–and conquer! Living in a far more northern locale, frozen earth prevented me from doing the deed right away, and now it's become A Thing. That I have admitted to on Wonkette.
Don't feel bad…I have the ashes of a beloved cat on my bookshelf. The vet gives the ashes back to the pet owner in such a nice little box with the pet's name on a plaque. I don't think I'll ever throw her away.
These are the things that make me love you. I had to have my beloved cat, Nigel, put down 4 years ago and I still cry about him sometimes, he was the cat of my dreams.
Yep, that describes Emily. I had her for 18 years. She was with me through a divorce, a bankruptcy, many failed relationships, several apartments. When things were their darkest, I carried on because I worried about who would take care of her. She was my little furry anchor.
Don't cry, Lizzie and Buddha.
Nigel and Emily are in Kitty Heaven with my kitties: Rumple, Meathead, Figaro, Dandelion, and Mango. My theory is that Kitty Heaven has a milk fountain, trees and curtains to climb, and a couch covered in very expensive fabric that tears all to shit when scratched… but our kitties were happy and loved and well taken care of in this life, and that's what's important.
Thanks, Dash. I also have a dog's ashes on the mantle.
Damn thing is, after caring for BoBo for 24 years, and sweeping every molted feather up as a matter of course, somehow I have none to save, unless I pluck one from his frozen remains (which I doubt I could bring myself to do).
Sorry for hijacking with all dead pet stuff, guys.
"Sorry for hijacking with all dead pet stuff, guys."
no worries.
Here…"Republicans suck donkey dick" There, back on track.
When my last dog but one got elderly I started saving the undercoat that came off when I groomed him. After he died, I washed, carded, and spun the doghair, and knitted a little square blankie that I sewed onto a baby pillow and gave to the new puppy.
She's sixteen now, and still sleeps on it.
I have my old dog's ashes too plus a little pottery ornament the nice vet people made me from his pawprint. He was the best dog ever. I never cried so much in my life when he died. I predict you will find the courage one fine spring day real soon.
Thanks, ThundercatHo.
Are you me? Because I have the same parrot in the freezer dilemna. Just yesterday my best friend said I need to get over blaming my sons sensitivities, and bury the damn thing.
Along with "Asda pear ouzo, circle jerks and tears of impotent rage" for the BNP
If Liz Phair is his mother, could Obama be the secret love child of Courtney Love?
I am not a licensed biologist but am still pretty sure that's INCONCEIVABLE.
Not wolfbane, but Cobain?
http://www.tmz.com/2007/07/27/love-stops-blogging…
I mean, anything's possible, right?
"INCONCEIVABLE. "
I don't know what that word means.
Obama just lost the ninja vote.
Well, Churchill did supposedly say "Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash," but I always thought he meant Edward VII's yacht.
Incidentally, there's been no end of recent research on the deeply democratic nature of organization on pirate ships. They elected their officers, and while the captain's orders were unquestioningly obeyed in battle, a poor captain was subject to being voted out of office–as several were.
They also had socialized medicine, limits on CEO pay, and worker's comp. If you lost a leg, you knew you'd be compensated.
>>If you lost a leg, you knew you'd be compensated.
peg panels?
don't tell me they have UNION ??
Well, after all, a single plank does not a platform make.
As long as the rum isn't Cuban Barry is good.
And he was rumored to be the inspiration for Liz Phair's alt-smash, "Fuck and Run"
a) A pirate in the White House? If that Toot Sweet motherfucker from the video Jack posted yesterday turns out to be right about anything, life has lost all meaning and purpose.
b) It can't be Liz Phair – she's not flashing her tits.
mmmm… Liz Phair…
This means that technophile Obama will be getting an iPatch instead of an iPod.
soobteal, v. soobteal
I'd like to volunteer to check Obama's bum. I'm gonna need you guys to distract Michelle….
Somebody spent a lot of money on that Columbia English BA and Journalism degree!:
The photograph showed the son, but my eye gravitated toward the mother. That first glimpse was surprising — the stout, pale-skinned woman in sturdy sandals, standing squarely a half-step ahead of the lithe, darker-skinned figure to her left. His elastic-band body bespoke discipline, even asceticism. Her form was well padded, territory ceded long ago to the pleasures of appetite and the forces of anatomical destiny. He had the studied casualness of a catalog model, in khakis, at home in the viewfinder. She met the camera head-on, dressed in hand-loomed textile dyed indigo, a silver earring half-hidden in the cascading curtain of her dark hair. She carried her chin a few degrees higher than most. His right hand rested on her shoulder, lightly.
Haughty much?
That is some top-shelf bullshit right there.
Ya, I got through the first "sentence" and was like, eff this.
Yeah there's probably an interesting story there, minus that goddamned writer.
How the fuck does he know it was hand loomed? if he can find that, surely he would have found the fake birth cert?
My writing professor told me first semester that purple pose is a harsher addiction than crack.
At first, I thought you meant "purple prose". But on second thought, nah, you're right.
Oh God dammit.
He also told me I needed to proofread more often.
did peggington noonington III write this? jesus.
Hey, N-I-C, off topic, but just wanted to say congrats to you hard-working folks for getting all those petitions filed. Wish I could fund a couple of those commercials for you myself. All the best …
thank you thank you thank you again.
Fucking ADD whiners. If you can manage to dose yourself long enough to read an article that is longer than a Wonkette post, you might learn something about why Barry acts the way he does–a subject many of you spend a lot of time cursing about.
I love you guys, but Jesus, get a grip.
Well, somebody needs a Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum today… (sorry, Chet, couldn't resist)….
Good point, I printed the whole thing on that stuff, whatsitcalled… paper, that's it, to read it later. I was tripping on how curly and fancy the language is. But then I read further down the page and saw it was adapted from a book, so that makes sense.
But Ms. Scott certainly did earn that book advance money
Barry was cuter than any of Michele Bachmann's or Sarah Palin's kids could hope to be.
Well done indeed!
Yar!
That's what Sara Benincasa said.
Captain Cook should have finished the job.
Still don't don't quite understand that, mom is pretty cute for girl named Stanley. Maybe too independent-minded for the old guy.
Goddamn it he's cute. Pirates were not interested in bipartisanship or "reaching across the aisle". Please live up to your roots.
But where is the picture of him in his Mao suit?
And I live in Alabama, so I can get "hooked up" in basically any mini-mall parking lot in the state.
We'll be monitoring those posts that you make after 4:20 Pacific Coast Time.
It's actually a long article about Obama's Mom, upcoming in the NYT Magazine–you know, from his mysterious past that nobody has been able to find any information on after 8 years in the spotlight and under the scrutiny of the nation's top federal snoops. I assume one of Trump's investigators wrote it.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/24/magazine/mag-24…
"Obama's Young Mother a Broad"
I assumed so.
Thx for the link, CK.
No pinot envy?
Cheezus – now someone needs to dig up some pix of Don Trump in one of the little lord fauntleroy getups of his youth – only it won't be from Halloween and it won't be cute.
Cap’n Barack Sparrow
Ha!
I don't know. A five year-old with a comb-over could at least be amusing. Perhaps, not cute, but entertaining.
Ken, the troll is late to work this morning and that is costing you page views. You need to send a complaint to the Koch brothers.
Are conservatives allowed to get high? That could explain the absence. I know libertarians are…
Conversation with my six-year-old after watching Pirates of the Caribbean:
"So pirates could be good?"
"Sure, some of them. If they helped escaped slaves and killed imperialists."
"What's an imperialist?"
"From 'empire,' one who exploits people and resources for an empire."
"Like 'Empire Strikes Back'?"
"Kind of. Like the British Empire."
"The British Empire that America defeated?"
"Yeah."
"But you said America was a bad empire, too."
"Well, yeah. It's time for bed now!"
You know who else dressed up like a pirate when he was little boy?
"Pops" Stargell?
Barbary Captain Aroudj Barbarossa?
Not really, as Aroudj Barbarossa grew up on Lesbos, where the pirate look was old hat. Old tricorn hat. (True! The Lesbos part, anyway.)
Ann Coulter?
Damn, beat me to it.
Well played.
Edward Teach?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blackbeard
I'm gonna tell my son to grow up pretty as the grass is green
And whip-smart as the English Channel's wide
And I'm gonna tell my son to keep his money in his mattress
And his watch on any hand between his thighs
And I'm gonna lock my son up in a tower
Till I write my whole life story on the back of his big brown eyes
[liz p. 'whip-smart']
Being a pirate, can he make Paul Ryan walk the plank in the Bermuda Triangle? That would solve a lot of my issues with Congress.
I'm stuck here in NJ where Gov. Christie is holding up the medi-ganja dispensaries. Meanwhile he has no objections to being addicted to a dozen Subway Nickle Foot Longs (with extra meat).
Mmmm a foot-long with extra meat, actually isn't the extra meat part redundant?
That statement alone makes it clear that you are not Merikan.
Yeah, that fat tuck is always on about discipline and cutting back, while sporting a 50 inch waistband. How about pushing back from the table, funny.
50 Inches is only 14 inches more than an average male at 36. Christie looks like 70 at least
Hey, Mayor, you know that even when the law eventually goes into effect noone will use it, the confounded bastards contrived to make it so that only the genuinely ill will qualify. It will make those who are prescribed REGISTER WITH THEIR LOCAL POLICE, for the love of god, who wants to do that?
You obviously haven't heard my singing voice.
That bleeding Troll was around these parts, but I upfisted you, Matey.
I'm seeing comments I upfisted with just +1or even 0, so I think we've got multiple trolls today.
The British Navy was all "Rum, sodomy, and the lash"? Whatever happened to cannibalism?
Rush has that covered. He'd eat anything.
Does this mean Joe Biden is Spongebob Squarepants?
Actually, it's the motto of San Francisco's Folsom Street Fair.
You had me going there until I realized it was 420 day, dudes…
Obama likes stories about Conan the Cimmerian. Conan was a pirate in such tales as "Queen of the Black Coast". Obama is a pirate.
Q.E.D.
Next thing you know, some right winger is going to start e-mailing a photoshopped version of that picture with the caption, "Long John Silver," if'n you know what I mean.
No, they keep those pictures for themselves, to look at late at night. Then they cry, and creep back to the bedroom before the missus finds out.
I'm checking airfare. I've been feeling very very anxious lately, pressure, anxiety, its really getting to me.
Keep looking up, keep plugging away in here. Your posts are among those I most look forward to. Sorry things are getting you down.
Oh, you are so sweet, don't worry, its nothing terribly bad, I am sure a little visit to one of those dispensaries Ken speaks of would provide immediate relief. Sadly, though, I am afraid its a chronic condition, I might have to be medicated for the rest of my life.
Gro lights!
That little scamp buried his birth certificate in a treasure chest and dropped it overboard just to make Donald Trump spend a fortune trying to find it. Did he capture that woman in the picture, or is she just another pirate groupie?
How long until Fox picks up the store?
That's so fucking cute I can't stand it.
Nice use of the lingo to demean the snowbilly, very clever. Didn't she get her boobs pumped full o' seawater? If so…then someone raised that titanic, and found it still had no booty.
Yeah…she is, and so is Sarah Mclachlan…that's one "lach" I'd bury my sea monster in…
Lilith Fair: so close to arousal, so far from being able to it off.
God, they are so cute before they get swept up in Barbary Coast ways.
Coming this fall- 1968's most hilarious new series:
"Piracy At Seacrest Street"
One super-smart kid's wacky adventures fighting suburban skulduggery!
With Barry O'Bama as "Cap'n" Jellybean, Mickey Rooney as L.J. Silvers, Emmanuel Lewis as James T. Hook and Shelley Winters as Mom.
Worry not, Liz…they haven't realized that we're a pretty tight knit group here. Every downfist results in a bunch more upfists. While it kinda fun to watch the p-score, I like folks comments better. Since nearly al of these downfisters don't comment, they're just whining little jackasses. Put it this way…if a building only held two things, my cat's ashes and the downfister, and the building were on fire, I would save the ashes first. Let someone else deal with the downfister (or the downfister's ashes – heh heh heh)
Hey, every man for himself and no whining — it's the Ayn Rand credo. So if Downfister fries in a fire, he can only blame his inability to take responsibility for himself, amirite?
"they took him up to midnight Mass and left him in the lurch so he dropped a button in the plate and spewed up in the church."
Rum, Sodomy, and The Lash is my favorite Pogues album. thanks for the reminder.
I thought it was the theme for the upcoming nuptials between Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Shiver me timbers Babs! You are a witty one indeed
Thank you.
Amazing that the birthers haven't stumbled upon the fact that Barack's mother's first name was Stanley. All kinds of disrespectful hay could be made with that one.
That would give Obama an American mom … they can't go there.
this is why the rum is always gone.
See, I told you.
-Glen Beck
Perhaps the Prez would like to hear the ditty, "Pirate in the White House". See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gArg8u34o-Q
Dubloons we can bleed in.
I'm so excited. I blew through my "20 free pageviews" several Krugman's/Collin's columns ago and yet I get to gaze upon the New York Times again. For free!
Thanks, Wonkette. I will always love you.
Aren't Somali pirates the sorts of entrepreneurs we're supposed to admire? Lots of libertarians like to crow about how "free" it is there, although they never emigrate.
One of John Major's cabinet members did manage to kill himself while engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation, as I recall.
I believe that's a backward "B" branded upon that licey bum.
Woman at the door on Halloween: "I see you're a Pirate!"
Barry: "Yes, I am."
Woman: "Where are you Buccaneers?"
Barry: "Under my bucking hat!"
OMG, they even downfist Cuban rum? They have no heart in addition to no brains. I put you back to one. It's the least I can do.
Don't tell anyone, but we're in your office every day.
If you need me I'll be hiding under my desk with a barrel of rum.
Ken will do anything to work in a Pogues ref.
Most adorable childhood photo of a president, or most adorable childhood photo of a president, ever?
Oh what a lovely family photo. The bastard obowma and his hag of a whore mother
And I thought the joke comparing her twat to her mouth was a good "oooh, burrrn!" moment. Well done, Barb!
Yoo hoo, troll!
Someone over in Salon said something unflattering about Trayfe Palin!
Small pirate steals hearts.
As a mother of a small Somalis pirate child, I respectfully request that Wonkette take down this hurtful and mean-spirited post!!!
lol….just fucking with you.
I am blown away by your account! That is about the most touching tribute I've ever read or heard of. Had I had the same foresight, I might have a grand boa made from parrots past.
Give that gal a big hug from me.
Thanks. Animals bring out the best in me.
Well, usually. I wasn't so successful with birds, myself. I had a pair of lovebirds whom I named Abelard and Heloise, but it was a misnomer; I should have named the male Bluebeard — he killed his first mate, so I got another female and did everything the books and websites said to do about acclimatizing and introducing them. No joy — after he killed two more females I gave up. He lived on for quite a while, but I had missed the opportunity to socialize him either to humans or birds.
Beautiful little fellas, lovebirds (and interesting to watch esp. after they've ingested a bud or two of Purple Haze) but destructive?? Holy cow.
I've occasionally been tempted to try again, maybe with finches, but I fear I simply don't have the avian knack. Pretty good with dawgs, though.
Do you know http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ ??
What a lovely view of Cat Heaven, can it also include some plain yogurt for Nigel?
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