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One of Michele Bachmann’s 10,000 Children Refuses To Pose For Playgirl

Somebody save that dog!Playgirl is still alive somehow. And we guess it’s because it does stuff like this: finding Michele Bachmann’s 28-year-old son and asking him to pose nude in their publication, for publicity. He said no, of course. But considering Bachmann has five children and has foster-parented 23 others, something she brags about on the campaign trail, statistically there’s a pretty good chance one of them would do it if enough were asked. The real scandal here, though, is that, while Bachmann and her husband “biblical therapist” Marcus went to good, barely-accredited Christian schools like Oral Roberts and Regent University, their son Lucas goes to UConn. Rebel!

“As you can certainly understand,” Lucas wrote back to Daniel. “One must have a certain degree of anonymity when treating patients in the mental health community.” [...]

“Lucas is principled, which is also really compelling for our readers,” Daniel said.

Lolz.

Anyway, it’s pretty impressive that this Bachmann has turned out to be a normal human being. Good for him! His mother is, well, his mother. And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible. Here’s a, uh, video of this man:

[PopEater]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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83 comments

  1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    All I know is that I would never seek out therapy from someone who hasn't had a tasteful nude spread published. If for no other reason, I don't want their schlong to be bigger than mine. That would defeat the whole purpose of therapy, wouldn't it?

  2. johnnymeatworth

    Did they offer a locker room pictorial with Levi Johnston? That might have made the nut, so to speak….

  3. SorosBot

    Why are three of the kids wearing the exact same shirt? This reminds me of the famed Huckabee family photo, although at least no one is strangling the dog.

    1. fuflans

      like the palin family, mom didn't really pass on the good-looking gene to the girls did she?

      probably on purpose.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    So Playgirl is a has-been/never-was publication trying to revive itself by glomming onto whatever frond of celebrity it possibly can. Which leads to the question of when it's going to announce that it's running for president. The GOP could have a winner here, especially considering the rest of the field.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm sure there are some brown ones. There's no way she could make it in that party if they knew. You know, kind of like how McCain practically hid his little brown girl.

  5. GregComlish

    He probably said "No" because he doesn't want people to know that Michele Bachmann is his mother.

  6. jjdaddyo

    Now, I'm not saying EVERYONE who tries to sell this kind of "read the bible until you stop feeling gay in your naughty parts" therapy is a closet case, but… well, actually yes, yes I am saying that.

    1. natl_indecency_cmdr

      did you watch the video? he's gay for jesus! and peter and paul and mathew and mark and luke and john and and and etc

      also, i bet he loooooves those old biblical "sandal and sword" epics.

  7. horsedreamer_1

    Minnesota is the most common state of origin for teenage-runaways &/or prostitutes, so surely one of those foster-kids is available.

  8. WorkTheSaxofone

    I think you may be on to something with this allusion to Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

  9. mereoblivion

    Whatever happened to the whole Mercede(s) Johnston posing for Playboy nonsense? Is everything just rumor and insinuendo anymore?

  10. V572..whatever

    Leave it to Miche1e to give foster parenting a bad name. Some parents do it as a useful social service — when Daddy and Mommy get busted for meth, it's nice for the cops to have a place to take the toddlers for the rest of the night, etc. — and some do it for the socialist moniez gummint stipend. Wonder which type Miche1e is/was?

    1. Ducksworthy

      No. I don't wonder at all. And I waiting for one of the survivors to finger Marcus as a pedophile.

    2. Guppy06

      "Miche1e"

      I didn't know it was possible to get online with an Underwood typewriter. I bow to your mad steampunk skillz!

    3. gurukalehuru

      And some do it…this is a no snark reply…some do it to bring the little children to Jesus. Really, a lot of foster parents do it for just exactly that reason.

  11. widestanceroman

    He won't pose because he is among the rare children who is not above average–in other words, he does not qualify for a girth certificate.

  12. Ruhe

    Your right, of course. His mother is his mother. So he probably declined the Playgirl gig to avoid revealing that when nude he resembles Grendl.

  13. jjdaddyo

    They would do better praying to Jeebus to make them un-Republican… but I am afraid the age of miracles is over….

  14. Callyson

    I hope Playgirl does not give up pursuit. Lucas is hot. Plus, it would probably piss off Michele if he posed. What's not to love?

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    If I walked into Marcus Bachmann's ungay therapy office to be ungayed and he walked in flailing his arms and "ssssssss"-ing all of his words with the letter "S" and saying things like "well, aren't you sweet" and "bless your heart honey" all while wearing that maternal smile of his, well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I bet it would involve dealing with anger and rage issues I never realized were bottled up inside me.

  16. Troubledog

    What kind of environment is that to raise a family, with the father spending all his time with the gays?

  17. elviouslyqueer

    Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick… the only thing that would make Bachmann pere's video clip more gay would be a cameo by shirtless James O'Keefe.

    1. fuflans

      I can barely see pic on my phone and can't watch vid and marcus is the gayest thing i've seen since last year's market days.

  18. DahBoner

    How much money can you make per foster child if you feed them moldy bread and green baloney and clothe them in Church hand-me-downs?

  19. DahBoner

    We won't really know for sure until Bachman's husband is discovered at a rest stop with a dick in his mouth…

  20. ThundercatHo

    I have it on good authority that in medical school the students who gravitate towards this specialty and the ones that need it the most.

  21. Redhead

    It's not at all uncommon for people who have close families members with mental illnesses (or who have themselves struggled with mental illness at one point) to grow up to be therapists or psychologists or psychiatrists. Here's hoping whatever his mama has isn't genetic.

  22. MinAgain

    And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible.

    Oh, please. 1 Samuel is practically a how-to guide on finding your gay soulmate, even in the face of overwhelming parental disapproval.

  23. zappadoo76

    "Doctor" Marcus Bachmann "earned" his "doctorate" at Union "Graduate School," in Ohio, which is an online "university" unaccredited by the American Psychological Association. Anyone with "credentials" like this should be able to scare someone straight, or at the very least, scare the shit out of him.

  24. Negropolis

    "I'm reaching out to Lucas because when I researched him I was struck by how absolutely adorable he is," Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio tells me. "Plus, I think his political ties make him even sexier.

    Translation: I get off on being abused.

Comments are closed.