SEX ORGANS IN THE NEWS  12:15 pm April 20, 2011

One of Michele Bachmann’s 10,000 Children Refuses To Pose For Playgirl

by Jack Stuef

Somebody save that dog!Playgirl is still alive somehow. And we guess it’s because it does stuff like this: finding Michele Bachmann’s 28-year-old son and asking him to pose nude in their publication, for publicity. He said no, of course. But considering Bachmann has five children and has foster-parented 23 others, something she brags about on the campaign trail, statistically there’s a pretty good chance one of them would do it if enough were asked. The real scandal here, though, is that, while Bachmann and her husband “biblical therapist” Marcus went to good, barely-accredited Christian schools like Oral Roberts and Regent University, their son Lucas goes to UConn. Rebel!

“As you can certainly understand,” Lucas wrote back to Daniel. “One must have a certain degree of anonymity when treating patients in the mental health community.” [...]

“Lucas is principled, which is also really compelling for our readers,” Daniel said.

Lolz.

Anyway, it’s pretty impressive that this Bachmann has turned out to be a normal human being. Good for him! His mother is, well, his mother. And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible. Here’s a, uh, video of this man:

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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 83 comments }

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm

All I know is that I would never seek out therapy from someone who hasn't had a tasteful nude spread published. If for no other reason, I don't want their schlong to be bigger than mine. That would defeat the whole purpose of therapy, wouldn't it?

nounverb911 April 20, 2011 at 12:20 pm

I didn't realize that Marcus was also a ventriloquist, and Michele was the dummy.

Rosie_Scenario April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

And the dummy said: "Let's see if something pops up."
** crickets **

neiltheblaze April 20, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Michele is now America's Dummy.

BZ1 April 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Which one is the cardboard cutout?

freakishlywrong April 20, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I bet one of Huck's sons is available.

sezme April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Darnit, you beat me to the punch.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

That's for Playgirl's BBM ("big, beautiful man") off-shoot Hunky Chunkers.

Rosie_Scenario April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

"We're gonna need a bigger centerfold."

jus_wonderin April 20, 2011 at 2:43 pm

I think they would have to stretch his pose over 2 months.

edgydrifter April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I'd wager it's because he knows his mom has a subscription, so ewww.

Negropolis April 21, 2011 at 2:05 am

Who are you kidding? His dad is the one with the subscription to Playgirl.

DarkStar_88 April 21, 2011 at 11:38 am

*grabs emergency brainbleach*

johnnymeatworth April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Did they offer a locker room pictorial with Levi Johnston? That might have made the nut, so to speak….

nounverb911 April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I guess Lucas doesn't aspire to the Senate.
http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-01-31/news/2

SorosBot April 20, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Why are three of the kids wearing the exact same shirt? This reminds me of the famed Huckabee family photo, although at least no one is strangling the dog.

weejee April 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

In Wonderbread suburbia it's blue button-down oxford cloth, 220 thread count or GTFO.

Graham Cracker April 20, 2011 at 3:53 pm

You get more of a discount at MalWart if you buy in bulk.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 10:16 pm

like the palin family, mom didn't really pass on the good-looking gene to the girls did she?

probably on purpose.

Dr_Zoidberg April 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

I want to see some birth certificates!

KeepFnThatChicken April 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Michelle?

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2011 at 12:23 pm

So Playgirl is a has-been/never-was publication trying to revive itself by glomming onto whatever frond of celebrity it possibly can. Which leads to the question of when it's going to announce that it's running for president. The GOP could have a winner here, especially considering the rest of the field.

baconzgood April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

If PlayGirl wanted a picture of a big dick head why didn't they ask Michele?

LabRodent April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Is he one of the Genetically Bachmans or one of the ones they bought.

TanzbodenKoenig April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

He has his mom's crazy eyes!

KeepFnThatChicken April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

He's 28 and just now attending school? Did he lose his virginity last week?!

nounverb911 April 20, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Why aren't the foster kids in the photo, does Bachmannn have something to hde?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 20, 2011 at 12:32 pm

They are all really Bristol's kids.

Negropolis April 21, 2011 at 2:07 am

I'm sure there are some brown ones. There's no way she could make it in that party if they knew. You know, kind of like how McCain practically hid his little brown girl.

GregComlish April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

He probably said "No" because he doesn't want people to know that Michele Bachmann is his mother.

jjdaddyo April 20, 2011 at 12:25 pm

Now, I'm not saying EVERYONE who tries to sell this kind of "read the bible until you stop feeling gay in your naughty parts" therapy is a closet case, but… well, actually yes, yes I am saying that.

Ducksworthy April 20, 2011 at 12:43 pm

Because the only evidence they have is personal and internal.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 1:19 pm

did you watch the video? he's gay for jesus! and peter and paul and mathew and mark and luke and john and and and etc

also, i bet he loooooves those old biblical "sandal and sword" epics.

drrty_martini April 20, 2011 at 5:14 pm

It's the bouncing that sells it: "These loafers? I'm still light in 'em!"

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Minnesota is the most common state of origin for teenage-runaways &/or prostitutes, so surely one of those foster-kids is available.

WorkTheSaxofone April 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

I think you may be on to something with this allusion to Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

GhostBuggy April 20, 2011 at 4:07 pm

Iå! Iå! Michelle Bachmann!

Lucidamente1 April 20, 2011 at 12:26 pm

He was going to say yes, but then mom had him read Myra Breckinridge.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

This would have made fine fodder for the book
~

mereoblivion April 20, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Whatever happened to the whole Mercede(s) Johnston posing for Playboy nonsense? Is everything just rumor and insinuendo anymore?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Lucas is going to have a hard time maintaining a degree of anonymity as a psychiatrist, since he is neither Jewish nor foreign-born.

V572..whatever April 20, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Leave it to Miche1e to give foster parenting a bad name. Some parents do it as a useful social service — when Daddy and Mommy get busted for meth, it's nice for the cops to have a place to take the toddlers for the rest of the night, etc. — and some do it for the socialist moniez gummint stipend. Wonder which type Miche1e is/was?

Ducksworthy April 20, 2011 at 12:49 pm

No. I don't wonder at all. And I waiting for one of the survivors to finger Marcus as a pedophile.

Guppy06 April 20, 2011 at 2:11 pm

"Miche1e"

I didn't know it was possible to get online with an Underwood typewriter. I bow to your mad steampunk skillz!

gurukalehuru April 21, 2011 at 3:46 am

And some do it…this is a no snark reply…some do it to bring the little children to Jesus. Really, a lot of foster parents do it for just exactly that reason.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 20, 2011 at 12:30 pm

If Bachmann was your mother, wouldn't you?

widestanceroman April 20, 2011 at 12:33 pm

He won't pose because he is among the rare children who is not above average–in other words, he does not qualify for a girth certificate.

James Michael Curley April 20, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Worked for Scott Brown.

Ruhe April 20, 2011 at 12:39 pm

Your right, of course. His mother is his mother. So he probably declined the Playgirl gig to avoid revealing that when nude he resembles Grendl.

Chillwaver April 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm

When's the Ann Coulter issue coming out?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 20, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Pff. Dude looks like a lady. A little.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm

She'll be in the June 2011 issue of PlayCadaver.

Negropolis April 21, 2011 at 2:10 am

You have the wrong magazine. She'll appear in The Equestrian Monthly in June.

baconzgood April 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

How comes Michele is the only one NOT wearing Blue in the photograph?

LabRodent April 20, 2011 at 12:45 pm

He has a lot of source material growing up with them.

baconzgood April 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm

His thesis was titled My Bat Shit Mom: A Study of an Unhinged Psyco Cunt.

jjdaddyo April 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm

They would do better praying to Jeebus to make them un-Republican… but I am afraid the age of miracles is over….

Texan_Bulldog April 20, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Why is Michelle sitting on grandpa's lap? Ewww….

Callyson April 20, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I hope Playgirl does not give up pursuit. Lucas is hot. Plus, it would probably piss off Michele if he posed. What's not to love?

SheriffRoscoe April 20, 2011 at 12:53 pm

If I walked into Marcus Bachmann's ungay therapy office to be ungayed and he walked in flailing his arms and "ssssssss"-ing all of his words with the letter "S" and saying things like "well, aren't you sweet" and "bless your heart honey" all while wearing that maternal smile of his, well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I bet it would involve dealing with anger and rage issues I never realized were bottled up inside me.

Troubledog April 20, 2011 at 12:54 pm

What kind of environment is that to raise a family, with the father spending all his time with the gays?

Schmannnity April 20, 2011 at 1:07 pm

In your face, Scott Brown!

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick… the only thing that would make Bachmann pere's video clip more gay would be a cameo by shirtless James O'Keefe.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 10:21 pm

I can barely see pic on my phone and can't watch vid and marcus is the gayest thing i've seen since last year's market days.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 1:24 pm

well, he is a "resident"

DahBoner April 20, 2011 at 1:26 pm

How much money can you make per foster child if you feed them moldy bread and green baloney and clothe them in Church hand-me-downs?

DahBoner April 20, 2011 at 1:28 pm

We won't really know for sure until Bachman's husband is discovered at a rest stop with a dick in his mouth…

elviouslyqueer April 20, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Close, but you forgot "A worn-out copy of the Pizza Boy: He Delivers DVD." Also.

jus_wonderin April 20, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I bet he has that on Beta.

mookwrthwilson April 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm

But did he agree to be featured in "Sons of Fucking Crazy People Monthly"?

ThundercatHo April 20, 2011 at 1:48 pm

I have it on good authority that in medical school the students who gravitate towards this specialty and the ones that need it the most.

Redhead April 20, 2011 at 2:05 pm

It's not at all uncommon for people who have close families members with mental illnesses (or who have themselves struggled with mental illness at one point) to grow up to be therapists or psychologists or psychiatrists. Here's hoping whatever his mama has isn't genetic.

Guppy06 April 20, 2011 at 2:12 pm

It's kinda like the cancer victim's kid going into oncology.

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2011 at 2:17 pm

I really hope Marcus Bachmann's taste in men is better than Michele's.

Gopherit April 20, 2011 at 2:28 pm

Phyllis Schaffly has a vagina? Another shocker.

MinAgain April 20, 2011 at 2:53 pm

And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible.

Oh, please. 1 Samuel is practically a how-to guide on finding your gay soulmate, even in the face of overwhelming parental disapproval.

jus_wonderin April 20, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Real Men Love Jebus….from behind.

yyyaz April 20, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Or on their knees, depending on their sect's practices.

realmurkin April 20, 2011 at 3:59 pm

I'd hit it.

zappadoo76 April 20, 2011 at 6:57 pm

"Doctor" Marcus Bachmann "earned" his "doctorate" at Union "Graduate School," in Ohio, which is an online "university" unaccredited by the American Psychological Association. Anyone with "credentials" like this should be able to scare someone straight, or at the very least, scare the shit out of him.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 10:12 pm

didn't the tv's once have a dr. Marcus?

Negropolis April 21, 2011 at 2:03 am

"I'm reaching out to Lucas because when I researched him I was struck by how absolutely adorable he is," Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio tells me. "Plus, I think his political ties make him even sexier.

Translation: I get off on being abused.

gurukalehuru April 21, 2011 at 2:52 am

Don't forget the Santorums. Crying girl with doll is perhaps the greatest photo ever.

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