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One of Michele Bachmann’s 10,000 Children Refuses To Pose For Playgirl

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Somebody save that dog!Playgirl is still alive somehow. And we guess it’s because it does stuff like this: finding Michele Bachmann’s 28-year-old son and asking him to pose nude in their publication, for publicity. He said no, of course. But considering Bachmann has five children and has foster-parented 23 others, something she brags about on the campaign trail, statistically there’s a pretty good chance one of them would do it if enough were asked. The real scandal here, though, is that, while Bachmann and her husband “biblical therapist” Marcus went to good, barely-accredited Christian schools like Oral Roberts and Regent University, their son Lucas goes to UConn. Rebel!

“As you can certainly understand,” Lucas wrote back to Daniel. “One must have a certain degree of anonymity when treating patients in the mental health community.” […]

“Lucas is principled, which is also really compelling for our readers,” Daniel said.

Lolz.

Anyway, it’s pretty impressive that this Bachmann has turned out to be a normal human being. Good for him! His mother is, well, his mother. And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible. Here’s a, uh, video of this man:

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    All I know is that I would never seek out therapy from someone who hasn't had a tasteful nude spread published. If for no other reason, I don't want their schlong to be bigger than mine. That would defeat the whole purpose of therapy, wouldn't it?

  • nounverb911

    I didn't realize that Marcus was also a ventriloquist, and Michele was the dummy.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      And the dummy said: "Let's see if something pops up."
      ** crickets **

    • neiltheblaze

      Michele is now America's Dummy.

  • BZ1

    Which one is the cardboard cutout?

  • freakishlywrong

    I bet one of Huck's sons is available.

    • sezme

      Darnit, you beat me to the punch.

    • horsedreamer_1

      That's for Playgirl's BBM ("big, beautiful man") off-shoot Hunky Chunkers.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      "We're gonna need a bigger centerfold."

      • jus_wonderin

        I think they would have to stretch his pose over 2 months.

  • edgydrifter

    I'd wager it's because he knows his mom has a subscription, so ewww.

    • Negropolis

      Who are you kidding? His dad is the one with the subscription to Playgirl.

    • DarkStar_88

      *grabs emergency brainbleach*

  • johnnymeatworth

    Did they offer a locker room pictorial with Levi Johnston? That might have made the nut, so to speak….

  • nounverb911

    I guess Lucas doesn't aspire to the Senate.
    http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-01-31/news/2

  • SorosBot

    Why are three of the kids wearing the exact same shirt? This reminds me of the famed Huckabee family photo, although at least no one is strangling the dog.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      In Wonderbread suburbia it's blue button-down oxford cloth, 220 thread count or GTFO.

    • Graham Cracker

      You get more of a discount at MalWart if you buy in bulk.

    • fuflans

      like the palin family, mom didn't really pass on the good-looking gene to the girls did she?

      probably on purpose.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I want to see some birth certificates!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Michelle?

  • SayItWithWookies

    So Playgirl is a has-been/never-was publication trying to revive itself by glomming onto whatever frond of celebrity it possibly can. Which leads to the question of when it's going to announce that it's running for president. The GOP could have a winner here, especially considering the rest of the field.

  • baconzgood

    If PlayGirl wanted a picture of a big dick head why didn't they ask Michele?

  • LabRodent

    Is he one of the Genetically Bachmans or one of the ones they bought.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    He has his mom's crazy eyes!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    He's 28 and just now attending school? Did he lose his virginity last week?!

  • nounverb911

    Why aren't the foster kids in the photo, does Bachmannn have something to hde?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      They are all really Bristol's kids.

    • Negropolis

      I'm sure there are some brown ones. There's no way she could make it in that party if they knew. You know, kind of like how McCain practically hid his little brown girl.

  • GregComlish

    He probably said "No" because he doesn't want people to know that Michele Bachmann is his mother.

  • jjdaddyo

    Now, I'm not saying EVERYONE who tries to sell this kind of "read the bible until you stop feeling gay in your naughty parts" therapy is a closet case, but… well, actually yes, yes I am saying that.

    • Ducksworthy

      Because the only evidence they have is personal and internal.

    • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

      did you watch the video? he's gay for jesus! and peter and paul and mathew and mark and luke and john and and and etc

      also, i bet he loooooves those old biblical "sandal and sword" epics.

      • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

        It's the bouncing that sells it: "These loafers? I'm still light in 'em!"

  • horsedreamer_1

    Minnesota is the most common state of origin for teenage-runaways &/or prostitutes, so surely one of those foster-kids is available.

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    I think you may be on to something with this allusion to Shub-Niggurath, The Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

    • GhostBuggy

      Iå! Iå! Michelle Bachmann!

  • Lucidamente1

    He was going to say yes, but then mom had him read Myra Breckinridge.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    This would have made fine fodder for the book
    ~

  • mereoblivion

    Whatever happened to the whole Mercede(s) Johnston posing for Playboy nonsense? Is everything just rumor and insinuendo anymore?

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Lucas is going to have a hard time maintaining a degree of anonymity as a psychiatrist, since he is neither Jewish nor foreign-born.

  • V572..whatever

    Leave it to Miche1e to give foster parenting a bad name. Some parents do it as a useful social service — when Daddy and Mommy get busted for meth, it's nice for the cops to have a place to take the toddlers for the rest of the night, etc. — and some do it for the socialist moniez gummint stipend. Wonder which type Miche1e is/was?

    • Ducksworthy

      No. I don't wonder at all. And I waiting for one of the survivors to finger Marcus as a pedophile.

    • Guppy06

      "Miche1e"

      I didn't know it was possible to get online with an Underwood typewriter. I bow to your mad steampunk skillz!

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      And some do it…this is a no snark reply…some do it to bring the little children to Jesus. Really, a lot of foster parents do it for just exactly that reason.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If Bachmann was your mother, wouldn't you?

  • widestanceroman

    He won't pose because he is among the rare children who is not above average–in other words, he does not qualify for a girth certificate.

  • James Michael Curley

    Worked for Scott Brown.

  • Ruhe

    Your right, of course. His mother is his mother. So he probably declined the Playgirl gig to avoid revealing that when nude he resembles Grendl.

  • Chillwaver

    When's the Ann Coulter issue coming out?

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Pff. Dude looks like a lady. A little.

    • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

      She'll be in the June 2011 issue of PlayCadaver.

    • Negropolis

      You have the wrong magazine. She'll appear in The Equestrian Monthly in June.

  • baconzgood

    How comes Michele is the only one NOT wearing Blue in the photograph?

  • LabRodent

    He has a lot of source material growing up with them.

  • baconzgood

    His thesis was titled My Bat Shit Mom: A Study of an Unhinged Psyco Cunt.

  • jjdaddyo

    They would do better praying to Jeebus to make them un-Republican… but I am afraid the age of miracles is over….

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Why is Michelle sitting on grandpa's lap? Ewww….

  • Callyson

    I hope Playgirl does not give up pursuit. Lucas is hot. Plus, it would probably piss off Michele if he posed. What's not to love?

  • SheriffRoscoe

    If I walked into Marcus Bachmann's ungay therapy office to be ungayed and he walked in flailing his arms and "ssssssss"-ing all of his words with the letter "S" and saying things like "well, aren't you sweet" and "bless your heart honey" all while wearing that maternal smile of his, well, I'm not sure what I'd do, but I bet it would involve dealing with anger and rage issues I never realized were bottled up inside me.

  • Troubledog

    What kind of environment is that to raise a family, with the father spending all his time with the gays?

  • Schmannnity

    In your face, Scott Brown!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Sweet Jesus on a popsicle stick… the only thing that would make Bachmann pere's video clip more gay would be a cameo by shirtless James O'Keefe.

    • fuflans

      I can barely see pic on my phone and can't watch vid and marcus is the gayest thing i've seen since last year's market days.

  • http://timothysees.blogspot.com/ natl_indecency_cmdr

    well, he is a "resident"

  • DahBoner

    How much money can you make per foster child if you feed them moldy bread and green baloney and clothe them in Church hand-me-downs?

  • DahBoner

    We won't really know for sure until Bachman's husband is discovered at a rest stop with a dick in his mouth…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Close, but you forgot "A worn-out copy of the Pizza Boy: He Delivers DVD." Also.

    • jus_wonderin

      I bet he has that on Beta.

  • mookwrthwilson

    But did he agree to be featured in "Sons of Fucking Crazy People Monthly"?

  • ThundercatHo

    I have it on good authority that in medical school the students who gravitate towards this specialty and the ones that need it the most.

  • Redhead

    It's not at all uncommon for people who have close families members with mental illnesses (or who have themselves struggled with mental illness at one point) to grow up to be therapists or psychologists or psychiatrists. Here's hoping whatever his mama has isn't genetic.

  • Guppy06

    It's kinda like the cancer victim's kid going into oncology.

  • BarackMyWorld

    I really hope Marcus Bachmann's taste in men is better than Michele's.

  • Gopherit

    Phyllis Schaffly has a vagina? Another shocker.

  • MinAgain

    And his father has a sprawling therapy practice that tries to “treat” people to stop being gay by reading the Bible.

    Oh, please. 1 Samuel is practically a how-to guide on finding your gay soulmate, even in the face of overwhelming parental disapproval.

  • jus_wonderin

    Real Men Love Jebus….from behind.

    • yyyaz

      Or on their knees, depending on their sect's practices.

  • realmurkin

    I'd hit it.

  • zappadoo76

    "Doctor" Marcus Bachmann "earned" his "doctorate" at Union "Graduate School," in Ohio, which is an online "university" unaccredited by the American Psychological Association. Anyone with "credentials" like this should be able to scare someone straight, or at the very least, scare the shit out of him.

    • fuflans

      didn't the tv's once have a dr. Marcus?

  • Negropolis

    "I'm reaching out to Lucas because when I researched him I was struck by how absolutely adorable he is," Playgirl spokesman Daniel Nardicio tells me. "Plus, I think his political ties make him even sexier.

    Translation: I get off on being abused.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    Don't forget the Santorums. Crying girl with doll is perhaps the greatest photo ever.