Hosni Mubarak All Depressed and Emo Now

  being a teen is hard!

Egypt’s toppled president Hosni Mubarak is “clinically depressed” as he remains in a Sharm el Sheikh hospital, a senior Egyptian official told FOX News Tuesday.

Doctors said the ousted leader spends all day in bed and is eating very little with his wife Suzanne by his side, the official added.

Look what you did, Obama’s Muslin Brotherhood! Taking away Hosni’s country from the poor man is eating away his soul and will to live. Hurry up and give him back his dictatorship. If this goes on any longer, he might pick up a guitar. [NYP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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54 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    He hasn't regressed to listening to Jewel music and cutting himself just yet. There is still hope for him to pull out of this.

    1. CapeClod

      Somebody send him a copy of "Don't Give Up" by Pater Gabriel and Kate Bush. Play that enough and he'll chuck himself out of the hospital window.

      1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

        It's 4/20. Just send him some weed and some good Dead concert bootlegs, and he will be in a really good place within a day.

    2. SorosBot

      Let's send him some Cure and New Order CDs; then he can get to the black nail polish and eyeliner stage.

  2. nounverb911

    "Egypt’s toppled president Hosni Mubarak is “clinically depressed” as he remains in a Sharm el Sheikh hospital, a senior Egyptian official told FOX News Tuesday."
    He must be watching too much Fox News reporting on him watching Fox News, that would make anyone depressed.

  3. SorosBot

    As someone who has suffered from clinical depression, I'll give the old dictator some advice: suicide is painless, it brings on many changes…

  4. PabaBritannica

    Bullshit, he might be listening to The Cure's "Killing an Arab", but I'm pretty sure he's smiling about that song on the inside.

  5. weejee

    If he starts listening to SHYNE, the kosher gangsta rapper, then start worrying.

    If he calls in a napalm strike on the hospital would that be self emo-lation?

  6. ManchuCandidate

    Exile!
    Depression clinic
    And the nation don't know what the nation is getting
    The créme de la créme of the Mid East in a
    clinic with everything but Nurse Ratchet

    Time flies doesn't seem a minute
    Since the Exile bank has no gold bars in it
    All change don't you know that when you
    Rule at this level there's no ordinary venue

    It's Elba or Ceti Alpha 5 or Dallas or this place

    One night in Exile and the worlds your toilet
    Gold bars are useless and freedom ain't free
    You'll find a loser in every Swiss bank
    And if you're lucky then the hooker's a she
    I can feel a joke being made 'bout me

    One day is very like another
    When you head's down over your losses brother

    1. widestanceroman

      Hosni is looking forward to spending warm summer days writing frightening verse to a buck-tooth girl in Luxembourg.

    2. BarryOPotter

      Well, under the circumstances, what he said was said, but then all the rejection he's had to pretend to happy could only be idiocy. ♪Blah di da da di da da…

  7. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Glenn Beck keep warning us of the coming Anarchist/Unionist/Islamist Caliphate. But does he ever warn us of the greater threat: Emo Nation?

  8. edgydrifter

    What? Realizing that you're broke and powerless and that the future holds no hope for you is depressing? Weird!
    Welcome to the wonderful life of your former subjects, Hos.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Good God, how that brings back my college days. He probably isn't having sex either.

  9. Gopherit

    Yeah, I mean, compared to being in a coma, being clinically depressed is positively perky. He'll be listening to Taylor Swift soon.

  10. natoslug

    So now it's you, me, SorosBot and my 11 year old son (he wanted to know the words after learning to play it in band class on his sax. He's been wandering around the house for ~ 3 weeks now, singing it at his sister).

  11. MinAgain

    I'd call him a whiny, pathetic horse's ass, but that would be an insult to horses everywhere.

  12. DustBowlBlues

    Hey, g*ddamit, (keep reading and the ** will make sense, or, ,fuck it, it's Holy Week) these threads keep filling up so fast I can't get in an OT comment that's really important.

    Just had my hair done at the local salon I patronize (that is in a building and not some loser's beauty shop cum kitchen, thank you very much) and the hot talk in town is about this book I'm about to review that I haven't read. OT because Ken doesn't have a Reader's Club section for us to post to. It's called Heaven is Real or some shit like that, and by this guy who went to Wesleyan College in Bartlesville (it's a Free Methodist college. btw–Free Methodists aren't) about his kid who was a little boy and saw heaven and Jesus several times (I can't remember exactly how that happened because the wax was being yanked off my eyebrows and I was in pain when that got explained) and I have some great news!!!!

    Jesus is blond, blue eyed and his robe is covered in rainbows. Yay! Jesus is gay white guy!!!

    PS A third of the people having their hair done were skeptical. (There were three people in the salon at the time). The ** was because it might be real and wtf–I don't want to risk hell for swearing.

  13. Tommmcattt

    Ok, I'm old. I have no idea what an Emo is or why it is particularly worthy of scorn. There's porn of it, I know, but I'm too lazy too look it up.

    So basically, this post was a wash for me. Maybe Ken will make a movie or bring back dildobot to explain it. Or not, that's okay too.

    Happy 420, everyone.

  14. BZ1

    FauxNews is covering this? They're going on and on, this and that, still pretending to be a news outlet…

  15. TheMeatmaker

    In other news, Qaddafi has delusions of grandeur, and every other world leader suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. (Except Carter. He just hallucinated giant bunnies.)

Comments are closed.