- Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler's birthday]
- Meanwhile, in Texas: Biblical fires have scorched one million acres. [CNN]
- “McDonald’s Restaurants Overwhelmed By Job Seekers.” [Sacramento Bee]
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McTarBall, delicious and low in carbs.
It's not real tar in the McTarBalls, just pressed tar shavings.
Ah, but does it have high HDL or high LDL? See, gotta check these things…can't just be about tastyliciousnessosity…
Yet, mysteriously high in carcinogens.
Ooh! I almost forgot it was National Marijuana Day! Let your freak flags fly, babies!
Haha, it's also 4.20, brah.
http://ingame.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/04/19/6497…
Is there a feature where the PotFarmers grow up to be investigative reporters who get the shit beat out of them? If so, I'm totally there.
Where'd everybody go? I'm sorry! Come Back.
Listen, you Socialists. Tony Hayward got his life back. End of story. Okay?
I'm sure since Rick Perry hates the federal government and wants to secede, he won't be begging for any federal dollars to help in disaster recovery. Right??
Have you seen the Sons of Confederate Veterans engaged in efforts to tear-down the Tennessee Valley Authority?
Gee, Ricky, we'll be shipping you a load of federal assistance soonest via high-speed rail. Oh right, you assholes rejected that idea, too.
Much like the now illegal online poker game that got it's name from Tejas, Rick will double down on the stupid.
They could use a River.
There was once a time when a man (always a man) could earn a living with a smile and a handshake (at least according to Arthur Miller) but now the only way to barely scrape by is working for a clown getting no health benefits while wearing a fake smile and handing out milkshakes.
Nice.
To help out donate at www:clownsneedhealthcare.com
For a minute there, I thought you were talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice.
McInfarct's was my first job. We had to wear doubleknit polyester uniforms and white earth shoes. Everyone there was an asshole, I got put on fries a lot but the absolute worst was cleaning the "dining room", people are such f'ing pigs.
First job — well, first wage-labour; had been a paper-boy for two-&-an-half years, from seventh grade 'til ninth — was at a local custard-maker. Got assigned custard-machine duties. All the time. Wasn't really degrading, but the Future Teatard* co-owner talking politics was; bit of a Clinton Derangement case.
Reminder: Arthur Miller's son-in-law drinks your milkshake — whether you paid for it or not.
Is it reasonable to suppose that a man who married Marilyn Monroe and had hit plays on Broadway (before it went to an all-comic-book format) really knew much about the life of a traveling salesman?
Having in high school been forced to sit through a movie of the play, I'd have to vote "no." Real people don't say things like, "Attention must be paid!"
Therefore your assertion that everyone works at McDonalds now is wrong. Some are hedge fund managers. When you average the incomes, we're doing pretty well!
Attention must be paid – or you could burn yourself on the hot coffee.
Or lose fingers in the deep fryer.
Fed, but not well-fed.
I see what you did there, Willie.
Is this some kind of euphemism? Do his milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard?
4/20 is a holiday with something for everybody. If I had a job, I'd want the day off.
But how can we blame teachers?
If they taught people better then they wouldn't buy the bullshit BP shoveled out.*
*utterly unfair as many times it's a case of "leading dumbass to knowledge and they just won't read."
Las month in El Paso a History teacher reprimanded a student for brutally beating a fellow classmate because he was gay. Also, in Dallas, a Biology teacher had the audacity to suggest that Biblical Creation was "just a theory."
So clearly God is unleashing His venegance upon Texas for these two blasphemies.
Weren't those the Satanic verses? References to hellfire in the bible seem overrated, the way they get quoted way out of proportion to their actual frequency of mention in The Word. Nonetheless — Texas must feel extra special in God's eyes now!
Huh I must have missed that episode of Colbert, The Word is one of his funnier bits.
There is a sale on McDonalds Fish-Like™ sandwiches going on… coincidence?
It's Lent. They're trying to hook the Papists. Pun sort of, kind of intended.
Fish and hook, or papist rhyming with rapist?
Hail Ronald
Full of Mayo
The Big Mac is with me
Blessed are the Holiest McFries
Blessed is the Fruit of the Hot Apple Pies
Mayor McCheese
Keeper of the Secret Sauce
Keep warm our Dinners
Now and until the Hour of the Thick Frosty Shakes
Mm-Mmm
Now and until the Hour of the
Thick Frosty ShakesShamrock ShakeSorry, that was not done by me, it was done through me.
No. I'd be more shocked if it Fillet O' "Fish" had fish in it.
Mass marine killings in Gulf. McDonalds goes to 24 hours. Coincidence?
Dick Cheney must be down there for a visit. This happens pretty much everywhere he goes. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.
We haven't had a health update on the Dickster in quite some time, they probably have that corpse frozen and will break it out for the 2012 elections. Nothing like a ceremonial funeral about a month before the election.
Hell, when the B-movie actor turned failed President who the Republicans love so much conveniently died at the most convenient moment in the middle of the 2004 campaign I wondered if one of Rove's operatives knocked him off.
What will Obama say at the service?
Hopefully, "Sever the head and bury it in a separate grave, so the bastard doesn't come back to life, again."
Super downsize me!
Shorter version: Dope smoking hippies kill cute cuddly dolphins, burn down Texas, eat and work at McDonalds, and get cancer from Cannabis Tar.
And to make it all worse, my mother had the misfortune of passing on this National Holiday (4/20) two years ago.
Texas must always do everything bigger than the rest of the states.
Compensatory. I lived there for three years and I know for sure.
Good news! It was reported this morning that when Tony Hayward turns 55 in May, 2012, he will begin receiving over $980,000 per year in retirement benefits for life. Maybe this will ease the pain of his recent job loss.
Will be he forced to quit his country club or will he resign of his own accord? I can't see how he could show his face around that place making one tenth of what the other guests are pulling in.
Perhaps he will have to cut back, but I think the yacht club membership is safe because the Isle of Wight Race is coming up.
Oh thank God. I was so worried about how he was doing. What's his new job now? Rainforest manager? PR for holocaust deniers?
How is he going to make ends meet on a mere $980,000 a year? The poor man will probably have to get a part-time gig at McDonald's where his duties will include ignoring grease spills.
I'm on your left-hand side so pass the dutchie. You Wonkers are bogarting it.
Ah, Musical Youth, what are they're doing these days?
It's "Pass The Koutchie", rude boy. "Pass the Dutchie" was the bowdlerized version by the adorable "Jamaican Five", Musical Youth.
I have no idea what that means. I hate Reggae music.
Prolly something like kush?
Wait, what? I'm sorry, but you cannot both smoke dope and hate reggae music. That's just wrong.
An excellent companion to that SacBee story: William Vollman's Harper's cover piece on the Hobo Jungle outside his house. http://www.harpers.org/archive/2011/03/0083334
&, alternately, for that BP glyph: "white light, white heat, white trash".
What, it isn't National Marijuana Day every day? You mean the Wonketeers write this stuff only using meth, heroin, cigarettes and Baby Ruth's? Huh. Oh, and beer.
Funny how all this horrible weather is happening the to States with the biggest population of climate change deniers. Used to be in the spring, a coupla violent storms, a few tornadoes, maybe some wildfires. Now, we have 3 days of tornadic activity that blows out half the country and wildfires burning the entire state of Texas. But, yeah, climate change is a librul hoax. Make that fluffy headed bitch of a Governor admit it to get the Fed money he's now begging for.
At least god/allah/FSM is targeting the correct states.
Dog is speaking once again with a big Tejas woof-tee-doo.
How has Tony Hayward managed to avoid being ripped apart and flame-broiled by an angry mob, anyway?
Hooligans where are you?
One would hope that it's a-boat time.
Some of down here like the the new petroleum flavored oysters. They're great raw, but even better charbroiled. Drago's has been saving of charcoal, since they pretty much ignite themselves.
OT, but I'm baked.
Texas is on fire and Rick Perry wants help from the Federal Government
I nominate Adam Clayton Powell to provide the response.
Well, this is about time for Obama to say, "Rick, you know that old joke, when you express your contempt for someone by saying "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire?" Thats a good one, isn't it? Ha, I always get a chuckle out of that one. He he, yeah, I wouldn't piss on Texas, if it was on fire, you could say.
I nominate Jefferson Davis for this one. As he hands over a big bag of worthless Confederate scrip he can admonish the Governor not to be such a secessionist tease.
Yeah, this jackass does (starting from about 1:40).
…good ol' Kevin O'Leary, never fails to illustrate the fallacy of putting big business in charge of anything other than gouging everyone…
Can I say that this snip from Canadian news is hundreds of times WAY kinder and politer (real words!) than American television.
Almost boring, it's so well-spoken and rational.
“McDonald’s Restaurants Overwhelmed By Job Seekers.”
One would hope that would put an end to the hateful talking point that the un-employed are laying around eating bonbons and don't really want to work.
One would hope.
I just wonder if the news is on re-runs, since I remember many variations on that story during H. W. Bush's recession.
Re: unemployed: their intelligence just got insulted in an even more warped fashion — caped-crusader wannabe style, down Florida-way. $14K worth of "red cape" giveaways paid w/ state dollars, really?? Then the devolution of our human race is almost complete.
No link in honor of Hitler's birthday
You know who else honored Hitler's birthday?
Sorry. Had to be done.
Eva Braun?
John McGlaughlin?
WRONG!!!
Stevie Wonder?
Pat Buchanan?
WRONG!!!
Prescott Bush?
Charles Lindbergh?
Hooray! I get to play Woody again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mw9qJhvxytg
Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris?
Me?!?!
Happy birthday, you brilliant, racist, assfuck of a human being.
Anybody got a pokey or a pipe cleaner?
Fed up yet Rick?
…and on a happy note, how much profit did BP make?
If I have to see one more goddammed "This is how BP saved us" commercial while waiting for MSNBC videos to load I'm gonna have to go kill me tarballs, myself.
Like every disaster visited on the bible-banging, racist, homophobic red-state South, I'm pretty sure these fires are because God is mad at the gays, and Islam, and also socialism.
Also a fine way for Gawd to clean up those he missed with the tornados.
The tornadoes were because He was mad at the North for the Civil War, I'm pretty sure.
So what you're saying is…Hitler's ghost caused the oil spill!? Damn you Nazis! CNN is on to something here.
Not all bad new from the Gulf of Mexico–don't forget that Transocean won a safety award and its execs got big bonuses for killing only 11 oil rig workers.
AOL news has an article up with the headline "Did the BP Spill Save the Gulf of Mexico?" Honest to jeebus. I could not bring myself to read it. Don't want to have to throw my laptop out the window.
Everything, especially a massive environmental machine like the Gulf of Mexico, benifits from inceased lubrication.
After all, the Chernobyl disaster was great for wildlife, give or take a few mutations and cancers.
Just think how much BP would have made without Obama stealing that $20 billion to pay those freeloaders who wanted cash for merely having their livelihood taken from them.
I just read that BP called the $20B a loss and reduced their tax bill by $10B.
Have they actually made any payments? All I hear and read are stories of people waiting to get paid.
Let them eat tarballs with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
National Marijuana Day!
We will be serving a traditional stoner brunch of Spam, Twinkies and left-over taramosalata on day-old bagels.
Is BP marketing tar balls as hash oil?
The Tar Ball is for girls who don't qualify for the Purity Ball anymore. Needless to say, I'm a regular.
"They used to call me Snow White…but I drifted." –Mae West
OK, thanks for the first laugh of the morning.
Pure as the driven slush, eh? Attagirl!
If you accept me as your escort to the ball, I get to pin on the corsage. It may take awhile.
One of the issues with public perception of the impacts of the BP spill is (and is going to be) that this one isn't about oily sea birds as much as it's about substantial shocks to Gulf food webs. The oil spill killed off the frickin plankton in the Gulf, probably at least a couple of times. This is a BAD THING because plankton is the grass of the sea, the basis of the food chain. Larvae and juvenile critters didn't get that plankton to eat, which then affects the next level of the food chain, the critters that eat the larvae and the plankton, and so on. Petrochemicals showed up in the bodies of crab larvae, so that crap could be moving into the food web as contaminants, not just knocking out levels of the food web.
If it's a surface, near shore spill, you can point to oily beaches and suffering birds and people understand that it's bad.
If you kill off or contaminate the frickin PLANKTON in the open Gulf, it's harder for people to necessarily understand what the implications of that are.
Sorry, we only care about charismatic megafauna. Plankton = BORING. Next you'll start telling me about snail darters…sheesh.
And frankly, those charismatic megafauna can be such drama queens about a little petroleum, anyway.
Now that's just whacko environmentalist thinking; next you'll suggest that a six-mile-long meteor crashing into the Yucatan peninsula and blanketing the Earth in a dust cloud for years and thus killing off most of the world's plants would result in the extinction of every large animal on the planet.
If I'm ever gonna understand any of this, I'm gonna have to hear it from SpongeBob and Patrick.
May the rest of Texas burn, too, as one huge cleansing sage burn for the planet (unless, of course, W cleared that all out before the cameras stopped rolling).
BP created the road map for their Japanese counterpart TEPCO –deny everything and no one will notice because the shit is in the water where it can't be seen. Keep moving folks, nothing to see here.
Except that ladyparts don't really belong to women in the south.
A Facebook "friend" has chastised me for speaking poorly about Gulf food industries — yet I keep hearing about heavy metals and oil in the animals they harvest and sell.
May be time to de-friend him… especially since his sorry ass ain't a struggling Gulf fisherman, but a Conservadrone.
So… he wants to force you to buy Gulf seafood whether you want it or not? What do we call this, Jindalcare?
So much for free markets.
No, nothing of the sort. However, he sure would like for everyone to quit cryin' about the food quality and just eat it already.
I'm sure somewhere at the BP HQ in London a gorgeous redhead who makes a mean plate of fish and chips is opening the mail and loudly announces in her sexy British accent "Oh look, another apology card from Representative Joe Barton from Texas."
Meanwhile the House Committee on Energy and Commerce hasn't done one damn thing to improve offshore drilling safety. And lets all remember this is the same BP who killed 15 refinery workers in Texas City about 10 years ago.
Maybe Mythbusters can do an investigation on blowout preventer reliability since no one at the Federal level seems to give a tinkers damn.
Cantankerous old fart in South Austin
With my snark turned completely off; I am sad for the dolphins. The are intelligent creatures and I am sure they can understand a loss of their babies.
Once we all get finished getting high….go to your local bar and yell JUNKSHOTS FOR EVERYONE! In honor of BP.
Dolphins are known for their drilling capabilities. Hide your wives, hide your husbands hide you kids, 'cause they rappin' urybody.
BTW, I read Tony Hayward as "Tonya Harding" (thank you temporary dyslexia), and it made just as much sense if not more.
BTW x 2: You guys are are so insensitive. You forgot who the true victim of the oil spill wa: Sarah Louise Palin.
Guess Texans didn't pray hard enough. Surely, this is God's punishment for Texans tolerating…errr…what do Texans tolerate, these days, anyway?
Austin should just seced from Texas and make it official.
It was scary when Red got his arm stuck between the two bulldozers.
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