it's morning in america

Happy ‘BP Destroyed the Gulf of Mexico Forever’ Day!

BP Goatse

  • Good morning, dead baby dolphins! It’s hard to believe that today marks the first anniversary of the Gulf of Mexico being poisoned forever. Does anyone even remember what the Gulf was like before murdered sea creatures started washing up on the beaches? Or what little children used to play with and get cancer from before there were “tar balls”? (Find out the answers to these important questions on the next episode of “Modern Marvels: The Tar Ball”!) One thing that hasn’t changed at all since last year is that our country’s awful politicians are still spewing the same, tired bullshit — DRILL, DEAD BABY DOLPHIN, DRILL — even though the price of oil has absolutely nothing to do with (alleged) production shortages. MoJo has an excellent piece on why you should still be angry (“join Facebook groups”) about Tony Hayward getting his life back. Now go forth and smoke your marijuana cigarettes, etc. [No link in honor of Hitler's birthday]
  • Meanwhile, in Texas: Biblical fires have scorched one million acres. [CNN]
  • “McDonald’s Restaurants Overwhelmed By Job Seekers.” [Sacramento Bee]
  • Related

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

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131 comments

    1. spudgun

      Ah, but does it have high HDL or high LDL? See, gotta check these things…can't just be about tastyliciousnessosity…

  1. ThundercatHo

    Ooh! I almost forgot it was National Marijuana Day! Let your freak flags fly, babies!

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Is there a feature where the PotFarmers grow up to be investigative reporters who get the shit beat out of them? If so, I'm totally there.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    I'm sure since Rick Perry hates the federal government and wants to secede, he won't be begging for any federal dollars to help in disaster recovery. Right??

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Have you seen the Sons of Confederate Veterans engaged in efforts to tear-down the Tennessee Valley Authority?

    2. ThundercatHo

      Gee, Ricky, we'll be shipping you a load of federal assistance soonest via high-speed rail. Oh right, you assholes rejected that idea, too.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    There was once a time when a man (always a man) could earn a living with a smile and a handshake (at least according to Arthur Miller) but now the only way to barely scrape by is working for a clown getting no health benefits while wearing a fake smile and handing out milkshakes.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      For a minute there, I thought you were talking about an episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

    2. ThundercatHo

      McInfarct's was my first job. We had to wear doubleknit polyester uniforms and white earth shoes. Everyone there was an asshole, I got put on fries a lot but the absolute worst was cleaning the "dining room", people are such f'ing pigs.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        First job — well, first wage-labour; had been a paper-boy for two-&-an-half years, from seventh grade 'til ninth — was at a local custard-maker. Got assigned custard-machine duties. All the time. Wasn't really degrading, but the Future Teatard* co-owner talking politics was; bit of a Clinton Derangement case.

    3. V572..whatever

      Is it reasonable to suppose that a man who married Marilyn Monroe and had hit plays on Broadway (before it went to an all-comic-book format) really knew much about the life of a traveling salesman?

      Having in high school been forced to sit through a movie of the play, I'd have to vote "no." Real people don't say things like, "Attention must be paid!"

      Therefore your assertion that everyone works at McDonalds now is wrong. Some are hedge fund managers. When you average the incomes, we're doing pretty well!

    4. Negropolis

      handing out milkshakes.

      Is this some kind of euphemism? Do his milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard?

    1. ManchuCandidate

      If they taught people better then they wouldn't buy the bullshit BP shoveled out.*

      *utterly unfair as many times it's a case of "leading dumbass to knowledge and they just won't read."

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Las month in El Paso a History teacher reprimanded a student for brutally beating a fellow classmate because he was gay. Also, in Dallas, a Biology teacher had the audacity to suggest that Biblical Creation was "just a theory."

      So clearly God is unleashing His venegance upon Texas for these two blasphemies.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    in Texas: Biblical fires have scorched one million acres.

    Weren't those the Satanic verses? References to hellfire in the bible seem overrated, the way they get quoted way out of proportion to their actual frequency of mention in The Word. Nonetheless — Texas must feel extra special in God's eyes now!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hail Ronald
      Full of Mayo
      The Big Mac is with me
      Blessed are the Holiest McFries
      Blessed is the Fruit of the Hot Apple Pies
      Mayor McCheese
      Keeper of the Secret Sauce
      Keep warm our Dinners
      Now and until the Hour of the Thick Frosty Shakes
      Mm-Mmm

  5. Serolf_Divad

    "We're actually seeing Texas burn from border to border. We've got it in West Texas, in East Texas, in North Texas, in South Texas – it's all over the state," Texas Forest Service spokeswoman April Saginor told CNN Radio. "We've got one in the Dallas area that's four fires that have actually merged together."

    Dick Cheney must be down there for a visit. This happens pretty much everywhere he goes. Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

    1. prommie

      We haven't had a health update on the Dickster in quite some time, they probably have that corpse frozen and will break it out for the 2012 elections. Nothing like a ceremonial funeral about a month before the election.

      1. SorosBot

        Hell, when the B-movie actor turned failed President who the Republicans love so much conveniently died at the most convenient moment in the middle of the 2004 campaign I wondered if one of Rove's operatives knocked him off.

        1. GOPCrusher

          Hopefully, "Sever the head and bury it in a separate grave, so the bastard doesn't come back to life, again."

  6. undeterredbyreality

    Shorter version: Dope smoking hippies kill cute cuddly dolphins, burn down Texas, eat and work at McDonalds, and get cancer from Cannabis Tar.

    And to make it all worse, my mother had the misfortune of passing on this National Holiday (4/20) two years ago.

  7. Schmannnity

    Good news! It was reported this morning that when Tony Hayward turns 55 in May, 2012, he will begin receiving over $980,000 per year in retirement benefits for life. Maybe this will ease the pain of his recent job loss.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Will be he forced to quit his country club or will he resign of his own accord? I can't see how he could show his face around that place making one tenth of what the other guests are pulling in.

      1. Schmannnity

        Perhaps he will have to cut back, but I think the yacht club membership is safe because the Isle of Wight Race is coming up.

    2. ThundercatHo

      Oh thank God. I was so worried about how he was doing. What's his new job now? Rainforest manager? PR for holocaust deniers?

    3. FNMA

      How is he going to make ends meet on a mere $980,000 a year? The poor man will probably have to get a part-time gig at McDonald's where his duties will include ignoring grease spills.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Wait, what? I'm sorry, but you cannot both smoke dope and hate reggae music. That's just wrong.

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    What, it isn't National Marijuana Day every day? You mean the Wonketeers write this stuff only using meth, heroin, cigarettes and Baby Ruth's? Huh. Oh, and beer.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Funny how all this horrible weather is happening the to States with the biggest population of climate change deniers. Used to be in the spring, a coupla violent storms, a few tornadoes, maybe some wildfires. Now, we have 3 days of tornadic activity that blows out half the country and wildfires burning the entire state of Texas. But, yeah, climate change is a librul hoax. Make that fluffy headed bitch of a Governor admit it to get the Fed money he's now begging for.

  10. SorosBot

    How has Tony Hayward managed to avoid being ripped apart and flame-broiled by an angry mob, anyway?

  11. loulouroo

    Some of down here like the the new petroleum flavored oysters. They're great raw, but even better charbroiled. Drago's has been saving of charcoal, since they pretty much ignite themselves.

  12. [redacted]hse

    OT, but I'm baked.
    Texas is on fire and Rick Perry wants help from the Federal Government
    I nominate Adam Clayton Powell to provide the response.

    1. prommie

      Well, this is about time for Obama to say, "Rick, you know that old joke, when you express your contempt for someone by saying "I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire?" Thats a good one, isn't it? Ha, I always get a chuckle out of that one. He he, yeah, I wouldn't piss on Texas, if it was on fire, you could say.

    2. Ruhe

      I nominate Jefferson Davis for this one. As he hands over a big bag of worthless Confederate scrip he can admonish the Governor not to be such a secessionist tease.

    1. BZ1

      …good ol' Kevin O'Leary, never fails to illustrate the fallacy of putting big business in charge of anything other than gouging everyone…

    2. KeepFnThatChicken

      Can I say that this snip from Canadian news is hundreds of times WAY kinder and politer (real words!) than American television.

      Almost boring, it's so well-spoken and rational.

  13. freakishlywrong

    “McDonald’s Restaurants Overwhelmed By Job Seekers.”

    One would hope that would put an end to the hateful talking point that the un-employed are laying around eating bonbons and don't really want to work.

    One would hope.

    1. SorosBot

      I just wonder if the news is on re-runs, since I remember many variations on that story during H. W. Bush's recession.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      Re: unemployed: their intelligence just got insulted in an even more warped fashion — caped-crusader wannabe style, down Florida-way. $14K worth of "red cape" giveaways paid w/ state dollars, really?? Then the devolution of our human race is almost complete.

  14. Badonkadonkette

    No link in honor of Hitler's birthday

    You know who else honored Hitler's birthday?

    Sorry. Had to be done.

    1. CalamityJames

      Me?!?!

      Happy birthday, you brilliant, racist, assfuck of a human being.

      Anybody got a pokey or a pipe cleaner?

  15. TsunamiAli

    If I have to see one more goddammed "This is how BP saved us" commercial while waiting for MSNBC videos to load I'm gonna have to go kill me tarballs, myself.

  16. trumpbly_joe

    Like every disaster visited on the bible-banging, racist, homophobic red-state South, I'm pretty sure these fires are because God is mad at the gays, and Islam, and also socialism.

      1. trumpbly_joe

        The tornadoes were because He was mad at the North for the Civil War, I'm pretty sure.

  17. donner_froh

    Not all bad new from the Gulf of Mexico–don't forget that Transocean won a safety award and its execs got big bonuses for killing only 11 oil rig workers.

  18. prommie

    AOL news has an article up with the headline "Did the BP Spill Save the Gulf of Mexico?" Honest to jeebus. I could not bring myself to read it. Don't want to have to throw my laptop out the window.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Everything, especially a massive environmental machine like the Gulf of Mexico, benifits from inceased lubrication.

  19. Beowoof

    Just think how much BP would have made without Obama stealing that $20 billion to pay those freeloaders who wanted cash for merely having their livelihood taken from them.

  20. hollywooddood

    Let them eat tarballs with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

  21. JoshuaNorton

    National Marijuana Day!

    We will be serving a traditional stoner brunch of Spam, Twinkies and left-over taramosalata on day-old bagels.

  22. PsycWench

    The Tar Ball is for girls who don't qualify for the Purity Ball anymore. Needless to say, I'm a regular.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If you accept me as your escort to the ball, I get to pin on the corsage. It may take awhile.

  23. Terry

    One of the issues with public perception of the impacts of the BP spill is (and is going to be) that this one isn't about oily sea birds as much as it's about substantial shocks to Gulf food webs. The oil spill killed off the frickin plankton in the Gulf, probably at least a couple of times. This is a BAD THING because plankton is the grass of the sea, the basis of the food chain. Larvae and juvenile critters didn't get that plankton to eat, which then affects the next level of the food chain, the critters that eat the larvae and the plankton, and so on. Petrochemicals showed up in the bodies of crab larvae, so that crap could be moving into the food web as contaminants, not just knocking out levels of the food web.

    If it's a surface, near shore spill, you can point to oily beaches and suffering birds and people understand that it's bad.

    If you kill off or contaminate the frickin PLANKTON in the open Gulf, it's harder for people to necessarily understand what the implications of that are.

    1. V572..whatever

      Sorry, we only care about charismatic megafauna. Plankton = BORING. Next you'll start telling me about snail darters…sheesh.

    2. SorosBot

      Now that's just whacko environmentalist thinking; next you'll suggest that a six-mile-long meteor crashing into the Yucatan peninsula and blanketing the Earth in a dust cloud for years and thus killing off most of the world's plants would result in the extinction of every large animal on the planet.

    3. CalamityJames

      If I'm ever gonna understand any of this, I'm gonna have to hear it from SpongeBob and Patrick.

  24. widestanceroman

    May the rest of Texas burn, too, as one huge cleansing sage burn for the planet (unless, of course, W cleared that all out before the cameras stopped rolling).

  25. alzronnie

    BP created the road map for their Japanese counterpart TEPCO –deny everything and no one will notice because the shit is in the water where it can't be seen. Keep moving folks, nothing to see here.

  26. KeepFnThatChicken

    A Facebook "friend" has chastised me for speaking poorly about Gulf food industries — yet I keep hearing about heavy metals and oil in the animals they harvest and sell.

    May be time to de-friend him… especially since his sorry ass ain't a struggling Gulf fisherman, but a Conservadrone.

    1. Guppy06

      So… he wants to force you to buy Gulf seafood whether you want it or not? What do we call this, Jindalcare?

      So much for free markets.

      1. KeepFnThatChicken

        No, nothing of the sort. However, he sure would like for everyone to quit cryin' about the food quality and just eat it already.

  27. fartknocker

    I'm sure somewhere at the BP HQ in London a gorgeous redhead who makes a mean plate of fish and chips is opening the mail and loudly announces in her sexy British accent "Oh look, another apology card from Representative Joe Barton from Texas."

    Meanwhile the House Committee on Energy and Commerce hasn't done one damn thing to improve offshore drilling safety. And lets all remember this is the same BP who killed 15 refinery workers in Texas City about 10 years ago.

    Maybe Mythbusters can do an investigation on blowout preventer reliability since no one at the Federal level seems to give a tinkers damn.

    Cantankerous old fart in South Austin

  28. jus_wonderin

    With my snark turned completely off; I am sad for the dolphins. The are intelligent creatures and I am sure they can understand a loss of their babies.

  29. hagajim

    Once we all get finished getting high….go to your local bar and yell JUNKSHOTS FOR EVERYONE! In honor of BP.

  30. Negropolis

    Dolphins are known for their drilling capabilities. Hide your wives, hide your husbands hide you kids, 'cause they rappin' urybody.

    BTW, I read Tony Hayward as "Tonya Harding" (thank you temporary dyslexia), and it made just as much sense if not more.

    BTW x 2: You guys are are so insensitive. You forgot who the true victim of the oil spill wa: Sarah Louise Palin.

  31. Negropolis

    Guess Texans didn't pray hard enough. Surely, this is God's punishment for Texans tolerating…errr…what do Texans tolerate, these days, anyway?

Comments are closed.