EMERGENCY FLOTUS FILES  10:21 pm April 19, 2011

Michelle Obama Survives Near-Fatal Near-Miss Airplane Non-Crash

by Blair Burke

I will still remember, angel flying too close to the ground ... (never forget)The entire American world is freaking out right now, according to the home pages of every single American news source, because Michelle Obama was nearly killed in what is being shrugged off as a “landing mishap.” The plane carrying our FLOTUS was only three miles away from a military C-17 instead of the required five miles. This is just how badly she wants to support the troops.

Apparently our FLOTUS’ life was never actually in danger and one of her idiot staffers didn’t even know what was going on, because she was too busy rocking out to Ke$ha on her iPod. And since no one was killed or injured, this is probably a good time for respected news sources to attach the word “abort” to our First Lady as many times as possible so as to remind readers that Michelle Obama just wants to abort all the fat children, and maybe even the skinny ones! [CNN/USA Today]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette, and sometimes appears during special FLOTUS emergencies.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 145 comments }

bumfug April 19, 2011 at 10:27 pm

Fair! Balanced! Irrelevant!

Nothingisamiss April 20, 2011 at 7:52 am

CNN's new motto.

SorosBot April 19, 2011 at 10:29 pm

So something happened which could have let to conditions that could have caused something bad to possibly happen, but people realized the near-near-danger and stopped before it got anywhere close to anything that could cause something dangerous became a possibility. Got it. And this is news in this day and age; meanwhile parts of Japan are still becoming increasingly radioactive.

natoslug April 19, 2011 at 10:43 pm

Yeah, but the Japanese were already sort of yellow and perilous, so a little more yellow and glowy isn't that big a deal.

cheaphits April 20, 2011 at 2:09 am

According to Leuren Moprt, who was an Expert Witness at the International Criminal Tribunal For Afghanistan At Tokyo and is an independent scientist and international expert on radiation and public health issues and member of the Radiation Committee in the EU parliament, the European Committee on Radiation Risk, we will all soon be radioactive and dead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UOYhZlEf5gI

TEPCO on the other hand says all will be fine if we can just tough it out for a few more months and not plan a vacation within a 12 mile radius of the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110420/ap_on_bi_ge/a

And since we all know the corporations are just fronts for enlightened public interest, all we have to do is make it until 2012 when the calender ends anyway. Let the party begin.

Lucidamente1 April 19, 2011 at 10:29 pm

Yeah, but was it a late term landing?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:47 am

'cause that's illegal in a few dozens states, now.

You either land early, or not at all. In fact, fuck it; don't even get off the ground, ok?

Blendergoathead April 19, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Photos of the ATC doing ketamine off a dead hooker's ass in the control tower or GTFO.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:52 pm

I don't know what 3 of those things are. oh! make it 2. i think.

rambone April 19, 2011 at 10:31 pm

The April 19th curse continues . . . Why CNN??! Why???

iburl April 19, 2011 at 11:26 pm

@ricksanchez4hire we need you!

DangerHelvetica April 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I'm surprised the Fox headline isn't "First Lady Near-Crash Tragically Coincides With Michelle Obama Near-Miss"

peaceocrap April 19, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Obvs, it's time to privatize the FAA, so these kind of incidents won't be on the public record, and so we can know those air traffic controllers won't be getting any fancy schmancy "benefits".

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:49 am

Probably the Koch Machine is already working on this.

WinterOuthouse April 19, 2011 at 10:37 pm

Fuckin' Inhoffe flying again

Texan_Bulldog April 19, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Or Walnuts.

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Couldn't have been McCain the article clearly said there was no crash.

tribbzthesquidz April 20, 2011 at 1:10 am

John Travolta?

Hatrabbit April 19, 2011 at 10:37 pm

I can't believe it until shows me her plane ticket. If she has nothing to hide, why won't she show me her plane ticket? I'm not saying she wasn't on that plane, just that we could end this all right now, if she would only show us her plane ticket.

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

And it had better be the Long-Form Plane Ticket, all in red, with about four dozen copies all stapled together, including Obama's circumcision certificate.

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 12:55 am

If it doesn't have the names of the flight crew, it's not official.

James Michael Curley April 20, 2011 at 6:08 am

Is he?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 19, 2011 at 10:40 pm

We think we're the pinnacle of sarcasm and wit here, but tomorrow, Sarah of Palin is going to say something catty about Michelle that is more outrageous and tasteless than anything we could satirize. And she'll do it in less than 140 characters.

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

But can Grassley do it with less than 140 typos?

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:54 pm

florid nr ms 4l ; wtf{

LibrulEleet April 19, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Probably something to the effect that an aborted landing never would have been an issue if she had abstained from flying.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:14 am

U

CZL April 20, 2011 at 8:24 am

T

WinterOuthouse April 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Didn't March Madness end? Maybe it just turned into a month long April Fool?

bokononista April 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Shirley this was not serious?

Warpde April 19, 2011 at 11:04 pm

OK I'll bite.

"No it wasn't.
And don't call me Shirley."

Where's the auto pilot when you need him. I need a smoke.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:42 am

"Oh, stewardess, I speak Jive".

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Good thing she's in shape. If she'd been as fat as say, Limbaugh, 3 miles wouldn't have been "clearance". Would've been a National Tragedy (TM).

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 12:56 am

You'll be delighted to know that the FoxTards are all having a good laugh over how fat Michelle is, so it's a wonder that the USAF allows her to fly at all.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:51 am

Can Limpbowel fit into the average airliner? Or does he have to use a Heavy Lift Vehicle?

doloras April 19, 2011 at 10:49 pm

This EARTHSHATTERING NEWS STORY is not in any of my country's websites. Does that mean you guys are going to bomb us now?

Ken Layne April 19, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Probably.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

do you have oil?

doloras April 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

We have Peter Jackson. He's pretty oily.

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:51 am

Fortunately for you, your country is far too out-of-the-way for us US Americans to be concerned about. We think of you as Australia's Canada.

Duly_Noted April 20, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Given half a chance we'll bomb anyone. Any time, anywhere. But don't expect us to invade. Even if you beg. We save that for special places with natural resources to exploit.

mayor_quimby April 20, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Why, do you not want us to bomb you? Cuz we will, for spite. Or cuz we need another excuse to fire up the bomb factory. Must feed the war machine

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:56 pm

so we should also all panic when there are cars driving within 3 miles of where we are? great.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:15 am

Shit, I already do that. I'm old.

BaldarTFlagass April 20, 2011 at 8:24 am

When I was in Kabul, every time there was a car bombing or IED attack or some shit that made the news, I would be inundated with emails from concerned relatives as to whether I was alright. Hey, it's a city of 3 million people. How come you don't email and ask if I'm alright when there's a 12-car pileup in the San Antonio area that makes the national news? Of course, I would always wait a couple of days before responding, to make them sweat, as a little bit of revenge for pestering me.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:39 am

Three million? Huh.

smokefilledfetus April 19, 2011 at 10:57 pm

You know who else's birthday is tomorrow?

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

George Takei?

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Joan Miro?

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Senor Wences?

(Oops, I seemed to have used this answer twice today.)

Angry_Marmot April 20, 2011 at 12:49 am

S'allright.

user-of-owls April 19, 2011 at 11:07 pm

Father Guido Sarducci?

tribbzthesquidz April 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

The Cool?

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm

St. Rose of Lima?
Philippe Pinel?
Lionel Hampton?
Mother Angelica?
Tito Puente?
Luther Vandross?
Carmen Electra?

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

"Donny Baseball" Don Mattingly

memzilla April 19, 2011 at 11:14 pm

Elliot Ness (true).

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:52 am

Too bad he isn't alive to put the Bush admin in jail for something or other. War Crimes, maybe.

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Santorum's stillborn fetus?

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 12:57 am

Klebold and Harris?

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2011 at 12:58 am

Isn't it about time Natalie Portman had that kid yet?

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2011 at 1:46 am

Annie Hall. For real.

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 9:48 am

Cool. To celebrate, I'll take a date to see Night and Fog

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2011 at 5:22 am

Clint Howard?

trumpbly_joe April 20, 2011 at 7:32 am

John Paul Stevens?

BaldarTFlagass April 20, 2011 at 8:19 am

Bet you've been waiting all year for that.

trumpbly_joe April 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

BTW, don't read the comments over there. It will make you want to shoot yourself, in the head, and we need as many of us as we can keep, because they're not getting any quieter, or less stupid or racist, any time soon.

SERIOUS PSA HERE: Do not commit suicide because of the Klan rally going on in the Fox News comment spaces. Don't give them the fucking satisfaction.

Jukesgrrl April 20, 2011 at 1:34 am

Has Turmp posted yet?

Limeylizzie April 20, 2011 at 5:47 am

It was pretty nasty on Yahoo news as well, who are these people that think this way?

greenloner April 20, 2011 at 6:05 am

the correct answer to the previous question was of course Hitler. I didn't find out until after my father, with whom I never lived, was dead that his brother. who was a significant force for good in my childhood, used to taunt my father about having the same birthday as Hitler.

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Does Michelle get extra frequent flyer miles for the go around?

ThundercatHo April 19, 2011 at 11:03 pm

No need to got to fux nooz. MSN has the story.

user-of-owls April 19, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Hot and dangerous!

EdFlintstone April 19, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Not funny people. I was only 4 blocks away from the 3 mile near miss.

Warpde April 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

Oh,Oh!
More Breaking Bad ATC stuff going on.
Better call Saul. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc8GqeY7gWk&fe

SorosBot April 19, 2011 at 11:13 pm

OT, but the Randroid troll is still active in the Oklahoma City/Waco thread below; and living up to his religion he's and embodiment of the Dunning-Krueger effect, both incredibly stupid and thinks he knows everything.

That, and RIP Sarah Jane Smith. Think I'm watching "School Reunion" again tonight.

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I just read that about Liz, bummer.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 12:00 am

oh mannn that seriously sucks.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:55 am

I'm sure we will have more and more Waco and OK City type incidents as we drift into civil war.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 20, 2011 at 2:16 am

I quite like the troll. His constant attacks smack of insecurity, his revisionism and his unilluminating appeals to reason along with anecdotal evidence are very funny. At least he can form sentences.

user-of-owls April 19, 2011 at 11:19 pm

Michelle's plane goes up, Michelle's plane stays up. Who can wish ex post facto for a fiery tragic crash into the moon?

Chillwaver April 19, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Ah…the always predictable response from the the good Xtians at the FuxNews boards:
"Darn. They didn't let the planes get close enough."
or even better…
"I don't want to see any of the military personnel hurt though. Her, I could care less"

Guppy06 April 19, 2011 at 11:26 pm

But was there Bosnian sniper fire involved?

DahBoner April 20, 2011 at 12:32 am

# IT WAS THE FOG OF WAR

Trannysurprise April 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

So now Southwest is running it's own DEATH PANELS and forcing women to abort their Kenyan babbies??? I knew this was buried in the ACA somewhere.

Callyson April 19, 2011 at 11:35 pm

(Since everyone is OK and I can make fun of this…)
Sure gives a whole new meaning to the "Let's Move!" slogan…

Steverino247 April 19, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Let me guess. There will be right wing bitching about how Mrs. Obama allowed her plane to endanger a C-17 carrying wounded troops back from Afghanistan.

My pre-emptive response: Well, if you bitches hadn't started the fucking war without a plan to win it, maybe the C-17's crew would have been just getting their flight hours in or maybe bringing in some great Czech beer for the base.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:57 am

The soldiers are the sort of poor people the T-tards and Health&wealth gospellers despise when they're at home, anyway. A big share of them are black and/or hispanic.

chascates April 20, 2011 at 12:02 am

And yet the media will still somehow blame her for this, point out the cost of the trip, and ask about such behavior during a time of war/recession/ratings sweep.

DaRooster April 20, 2011 at 1:02 am

You have my vote for best prediction… albeit sadly.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 12:05 am

i have nothing to add to the brilliance of these comments.

well except that Ke$ha is kinda revolting.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:40 am

By "revolting", you mean "ravishing", yes?

Chet Kincaid April 20, 2011 at 10:31 am

Have some self-respect–you can fap to much, much better!

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 10:43 am

I'm only into it for the music.

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 11:31 pm

She looks perpetually dirty, and not dirty like sexy-dirty, but dirty like she literally doesn't bathe dirty.

That, and she's shaped like a rectangle.

donner_froh April 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

CNN's Ed Henry reports that Mrs. Obama's life was not in danger when her flight was aborted at Andrews Air Force Base.

I worship the ground our First Lady walks on but it will get pretty dull if TeeVee news is going to report every time her life isn't in danger.

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2011 at 12:22 am

In honor of this, I almost out of alcohol.

Too soon?

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2011 at 12:59 am

You picked the wrong week to quit drinking?

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2011 at 1:28 am

No, it's still next week. I just picked the wrong night to think I had enough wine left in the fridge.

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2011 at 1:35 am

Next week… This is some kind of inverted post-Lent penance, or?.. Lots of things come to mind worth procrastinating and alcohol abstention should be one of them.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 3:14 am

i picked the wrong decade.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 1:58 am

Maybe learning home brewing/distilling would be a survival skill? I don't think you need a license to brew, anyway.

DahBoner April 20, 2011 at 12:30 am

ST Aerospace in Alabama probably did some "pencil whipping" on this airplane…

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 12:34 am

We must make sure this never happens again. I suggest cutting funding for the FAA and giving the rich a tax cut.

donner_froh April 20, 2011 at 12:34 am

If Capt. Chesley B. Sullenburger III had been at the controls of the 737 with Michelle Obama aboard he would have set it down on top of that C-17 without scratching the paint on either plane

calibrit April 20, 2011 at 7:25 am

If Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger III had been at the controls, he would have piloted both planes away from each other. With his mind.

pinkocommi April 20, 2011 at 12:35 am

If anything happens to the FLOTUS, I'm blaming Michelle Bachman and her red-white-and-blue eyes. Just because I can.

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 12:52 am

Comment from Patriotic American "greywolfghost" on the "military.com" message board somewhere:

Remember how Obama berated the Auto Company CEOs for flying to Washington in Corperate Jets? But it's okay for his wife to tool all over the place in a huge jet at Taxpayer's expense. I wonder if it has chrome wheels?

Har! Nigras and their hoopties!

(Only useful element of the idiotic message board: has a photo of the plane, with flag prominently displayed on the tail. I mention this only because one of the Foxtards is claiming that the FLOTUS's plane didn't have a flag on it. You know, because the President and First Lady actually hate America.)

PuckStopsHere April 20, 2011 at 12:56 am

Military.com, you say? Well, God bless our troops. I'm running out to get a magnetic ribbon to that effect for the back bumper of the puckmobile first thing tomorrow. First thing.

mrblifil April 20, 2011 at 12:55 am

You know who ELSE survived assassination attempts?

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 1:01 am

Sir Samuel Vimes?

ThundercatHo April 20, 2011 at 7:22 am

I would give you 1,ooo p points for that reference if I could. Lord Vetinari 2012!

imissopus April 20, 2011 at 1:17 am

President Elias Martinez?

tcaalaw April 20, 2011 at 7:51 am

Nice The Event reference!

imissopus April 20, 2011 at 11:17 am

I had just finished watching Monday's episode, God knows why. That show gets goofier and goofier every week. It's like the producers took mescaline and read a bunch of bad pulp sci-fi novels.

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:57 am

Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria for like one or two attempts?

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 2:01 am

Kim Jong-il?

Fukui_sanYesOta April 20, 2011 at 2:20 am

Pope John Paul II?

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:45 am

Well, shit, if nobody else will 'fess up : Hitler.

Or is that like the queen of spades, and now I have to moon everybody?

I am not aware of all Wonkette traditions.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 3:18 am

when anyone writes "you know who else…" the answer is always hitler. but it's more fun to say random names. also, great for pee.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 3:20 am

Oh. Thank you.

Also, too, the entire Parliament that Guy Fawkes didn't blow up.

Naked_Bunny April 20, 2011 at 8:03 am

I am not aware of all Wonkette traditions.

We are deep and complicated.

So. Buttseks?

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 3:19 am

Nathan Bedford Forrest?

trampndirtdown April 20, 2011 at 8:53 am

PBS?

GregComlish April 20, 2011 at 9:40 am

Mary Buttafuoco?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 11:30 pm

WIN

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:41 am

Jacques Chirac?

Mumbletypeg April 20, 2011 at 1:20 am

Mickey Rourke's 'character'?

imissopus April 20, 2011 at 1:21 am

Wait, was the plane forced to abort the landing, or did it choose to do so?

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:19 am

It was just a mis(landing)carriage.

Duly_Noted April 20, 2011 at 12:44 pm

And did it receive counseling first?

BZ1 April 20, 2011 at 1:37 am

Here's the classiest comment on a site: "What’s she bitch’n about?…aborted landings or aborted babies…it’s all the same to her."

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:43 am

You know, it's sort of a blessing that, even though I now live in the reddish Cali foothills, I never hear anybody say shit like that. I'm really too old to do prison time for beating somebody insensible.

TootingTricky April 20, 2011 at 2:01 am

From the NY Times: "[The] problem occurs dozens of times a day with airliners at civilian airports around the country, according to aviation experts."

That comes towards the end of the paper of record's breathless 700-word report on the non-story.

DerrickWildcat April 20, 2011 at 2:16 am

I'm just glad she's ok.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 20, 2011 at 3:20 am

me too.

drrty_martini April 20, 2011 at 3:50 am

Bless your heart for sayin' that. So am I.

BarackMyWorld April 20, 2011 at 5:18 am

In a related story, I just got done watching Donnie Darko again.

Doktor Zoom April 20, 2011 at 9:51 am

Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 6:46 am

Totally OT, but Terry Jones of Koran-burning fame is trying to incite more shit. This time, he's doing it here in the capital of Arab America, Dearborn, Michigan.

As the Quran-burning pastor from Florida prepares to protest on Good Friday outside the biggest mosque in Dearborn, local religious leaders say they're gearing up to counter his message with a show of unity.

Religious leaders from various backgrounds — Protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim and others — plan to rally Thursday at the Islamic Center of America, where Pastor Terry Jones says he'll protest Friday against radical Islam. The clergy and others plan to link hands in a circle around the mosque to symbolically shield it from Jones, whom they describe as divisive.

Go Detroit! I hope Friday really turns out to be a good one, 'cause it could go either way.

Beetagger April 20, 2011 at 6:56 am

I'd be in favor of beheading him… just for Sharia's sake.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:44 am

Terry Jones will be played by Anthony Mackie (w/ w/o white-face) in the movie.

Naked_Bunny April 20, 2011 at 7:58 am

The story focuses on a potential collision in flight, but doesn't say much about how Obama's plane struck the ground at a high speed, only gradually rolling to a stop. Terrifying!

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:47 am

Just imagine if CrossroadsGPS's operatives in FAA &/or CIA could have taken down the First Lady's plane: Obama, distraught, resigns the Presidency, Biden chooses not to run for the Office in 2012, Romney or Huckabee has a year's head-start on whatever third-rate Dem the Left could put up. (Rhode Island Senator Sheldon Whitehouse? Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer?) Karl is pissed, right now.

simplyblue7 April 20, 2011 at 8:52 am

I dropped what I was doing at work and quickly went home when I heard this. Because…why not, you know?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 20, 2011 at 2:09 pm

It's a landing not a choice !!!

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