emergency flotus files

Michelle Obama Survives Near-Fatal Near-Miss Airplane Non-Crash

I will still remember, angel flying too close to the ground ... (never forget)The entire American world is freaking out right now, according to the home pages of every single American news source, because Michelle Obama was nearly killed in what is being shrugged off as a “landing mishap.” The plane carrying our FLOTUS was only three miles away from a military C-17 instead of the required five miles. This is just how badly she wants to support the troops.

Apparently our FLOTUS’ life was never actually in danger and one of her idiot staffers didn’t even know what was going on, because she was too busy rocking out to Ke$ha on her iPod. And since no one was killed or injured, this is probably a good time for respected news sources to attach the word “abort” to our First Lady as many times as possible so as to remind readers that Michelle Obama just wants to abort all the fat children, and maybe even the skinny ones! [CNN/USA Today]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette, and sometimes appears during special FLOTUS emergencies.

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke
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  1. SorosBot

    So something happened which could have let to conditions that could have caused something bad to possibly happen, but people realized the near-near-danger and stopped before it got anywhere close to anything that could cause something dangerous became a possibility. Got it. And this is news in this day and age; meanwhile parts of Japan are still becoming increasingly radioactive.

    1. cheaphits

      According to Leuren Moprt, who was an Expert Witness at the International Criminal Tribunal For Afghanistan At Tokyo and is an independent scientist and international expert on radiation and public health issues and member of the Radiation Committee in the EU parliament, the European Committee on Radiation Risk, we will all soon be radioactive and dead:


      TEPCO on the other hand says all will be fine if we can just tough it out for a few more months and not plan a vacation within a 12 mile radius of the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant.


      And since we all know the corporations are just fronts for enlightened public interest, all we have to do is make it until 2012 when the calender ends anyway. Let the party begin.

    1. Negropolis

      'cause that's illegal in a few dozens states, now.

      You either land early, or not at all. In fact, fuck it; don't even get off the ground, ok?

  2. Blendergoathead

    Photos of the ATC doing ketamine off a dead hooker's ass in the control tower or GTFO.

  3. DangerHelvetica

    I'm surprised the Fox headline isn't "First Lady Near-Crash Tragically Coincides With Michelle Obama Near-Miss"

  4. peaceocrap

    Obvs, it's time to privatize the FAA, so these kind of incidents won't be on the public record, and so we can know those air traffic controllers won't be getting any fancy schmancy "benefits".

  5. Hatrabbit

    I can't believe it until shows me her plane ticket. If she has nothing to hide, why won't she show me her plane ticket? I'm not saying she wasn't on that plane, just that we could end this all right now, if she would only show us her plane ticket.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      And it had better be the Long-Form Plane Ticket, all in red, with about four dozen copies all stapled together, including Obama's circumcision certificate.

  6. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    We think we're the pinnacle of sarcasm and wit here, but tomorrow, Sarah of Palin is going to say something catty about Michelle that is more outrageous and tasteless than anything we could satirize. And she'll do it in less than 140 characters.

    1. LibrulEleet

      Probably something to the effect that an aborted landing never would have been an issue if she had abstained from flying.

    1. Warpde

      OK I'll bite.

      "No it wasn't.
      And don't call me Shirley."

      Where's the auto pilot when you need him. I need a smoke.

  7. OneDollarJuana

    Good thing she's in shape. If she'd been as fat as say, Limbaugh, 3 miles wouldn't have been "clearance". Would've been a National Tragedy (TM).

    1. Doktor Zoom

      You'll be delighted to know that the FoxTards are all having a good laugh over how fat Michelle is, so it's a wonder that the USAF allows her to fly at all.

    2. zhubajie

      Can Limpbowel fit into the average airliner? Or does he have to use a Heavy Lift Vehicle?

  8. doloras

    This EARTHSHATTERING NEWS STORY is not in any of my country's websites. Does that mean you guys are going to bomb us now?

    1. Negropolis

      Fortunately for you, your country is far too out-of-the-way for us US Americans to be concerned about. We think of you as Australia's Canada.

    2. Duly_Noted

      Given half a chance we'll bomb anyone. Any time, anywhere. But don't expect us to invade. Even if you beg. We save that for special places with natural resources to exploit.

    3. mayor_quimby

      Why, do you not want us to bomb you? Cuz we will, for spite. Or cuz we need another excuse to fire up the bomb factory. Must feed the war machine

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      When I was in Kabul, every time there was a car bombing or IED attack or some shit that made the news, I would be inundated with emails from concerned relatives as to whether I was alright. Hey, it's a city of 3 million people. How come you don't email and ask if I'm alright when there's a 12-car pileup in the San Antonio area that makes the national news? Of course, I would always wait a couple of days before responding, to make them sweat, as a little bit of revenge for pestering me.

      1. zhubajie

        Too bad he isn't alive to put the Bush admin in jail for something or other. War Crimes, maybe.

  9. trumpbly_joe

    BTW, don't read the comments over there. It will make you want to shoot yourself, in the head, and we need as many of us as we can keep, because they're not getting any quieter, or less stupid or racist, any time soon.

    SERIOUS PSA HERE: Do not commit suicide because of the Klan rally going on in the Fox News comment spaces. Don't give them the fucking satisfaction.

    1. greenloner

      the correct answer to the previous question was of course Hitler. I didn't find out until after my father, with whom I never lived, was dead that his brother. who was a significant force for good in my childhood, used to taunt my father about having the same birthday as Hitler.

  10. SorosBot

    OT, but the Randroid troll is still active in the Oklahoma City/Waco thread below; and living up to his religion he's and embodiment of the Dunning-Krueger effect, both incredibly stupid and thinks he knows everything.

    That, and RIP Sarah Jane Smith. Think I'm watching "School Reunion" again tonight.

    1. zhubajie

      I'm sure we will have more and more Waco and OK City type incidents as we drift into civil war.

    2. Fukui_sanYesOta

      I quite like the troll. His constant attacks smack of insecurity, his revisionism and his unilluminating appeals to reason along with anecdotal evidence are very funny. At least he can form sentences.

  11. user-of-owls

    Michelle's plane goes up, Michelle's plane stays up. Who can wish ex post facto for a fiery tragic crash into the moon?

  12. Chillwaver

    Ah…the always predictable response from the the good Xtians at the FuxNews boards:
    "Darn. They didn't let the planes get close enough."
    or even better…
    "I don't want to see any of the military personnel hurt though. Her, I could care less"

  13. Trannysurprise

    So now Southwest is running it's own DEATH PANELS and forcing women to abort their Kenyan babbies??? I knew this was buried in the ACA somewhere.

  14. Callyson

    (Since everyone is OK and I can make fun of this…)
    Sure gives a whole new meaning to the "Let's Move!" slogan…

  15. Steverino247

    Let me guess. There will be right wing bitching about how Mrs. Obama allowed her plane to endanger a C-17 carrying wounded troops back from Afghanistan.

    My pre-emptive response: Well, if you bitches hadn't started the fucking war without a plan to win it, maybe the C-17's crew would have been just getting their flight hours in or maybe bringing in some great Czech beer for the base.

    1. zhubajie

      The soldiers are the sort of poor people the T-tards and Health&wealth gospellers despise when they're at home, anyway. A big share of them are black and/or hispanic.

  16. chascates

    And yet the media will still somehow blame her for this, point out the cost of the trip, and ask about such behavior during a time of war/recession/ratings sweep.

  17. fuflans

    i have nothing to add to the brilliance of these comments.

    well except that Ke$ha is kinda revolting.

      1. Negropolis

        She looks perpetually dirty, and not dirty like sexy-dirty, but dirty like she literally doesn't bathe dirty.

        That, and she's shaped like a rectangle.

  18. donner_froh

    CNN's Ed Henry reports that Mrs. Obama's life was not in danger when her flight was aborted at Andrews Air Force Base.

    I worship the ground our First Lady walks on but it will get pretty dull if TeeVee news is going to report every time her life isn't in danger.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        No, it's still next week. I just picked the wrong night to think I had enough wine left in the fridge.

        1. Mumbletypeg

          Next week… This is some kind of inverted post-Lent penance, or?.. Lots of things come to mind worth procrastinating and alcohol abstention should be one of them.

    1. zhubajie

      Maybe learning home brewing/distilling would be a survival skill? I don't think you need a license to brew, anyway.

  19. Doktor Zoom

    We must make sure this never happens again. I suggest cutting funding for the FAA and giving the rich a tax cut.

  20. donner_froh

    If Capt. Chesley B. Sullenburger III had been at the controls of the 737 with Michelle Obama aboard he would have set it down on top of that C-17 without scratching the paint on either plane

    1. calibrit

      If Capt. Chesley B. Sullenberger III had been at the controls, he would have piloted both planes away from each other. With his mind.

  21. pinkocommi

    If anything happens to the FLOTUS, I'm blaming Michelle Bachman and her red-white-and-blue eyes. Just because I can.

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Comment from Patriotic American "greywolfghost" on the "military.com" message board somewhere:

    Remember how Obama berated the Auto Company CEOs for flying to Washington in Corperate Jets? But it's okay for his wife to tool all over the place in a huge jet at Taxpayer's expense. I wonder if it has chrome wheels?

    Har! Nigras and their hoopties!

    (Only useful element of the idiotic message board: has a photo of the plane, with flag prominently displayed on the tail. I mention this only because one of the Foxtards is claiming that the FLOTUS's plane didn't have a flag on it. You know, because the President and First Lady actually hate America.)

    1. PuckStopsHere

      Military.com, you say? Well, God bless our troops. I'm running out to get a magnetic ribbon to that effect for the back bumper of the puckmobile first thing tomorrow. First thing.

        1. imissopus

          I had just finished watching Monday's episode, God knows why. That show gets goofier and goofier every week. It's like the producers took mescaline and read a bunch of bad pulp sci-fi novels.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Well, shit, if nobody else will 'fess up : Hitler.

      Or is that like the queen of spades, and now I have to moon everybody?

      I am not aware of all Wonkette traditions.

  23. BZ1

    Here's the classiest comment on a site: "What’s she bitch’n about?…aborted landings or aborted babies…it’s all the same to her."

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      You know, it's sort of a blessing that, even though I now live in the reddish Cali foothills, I never hear anybody say shit like that. I'm really too old to do prison time for beating somebody insensible.

  24. TootingTricky

    From the NY Times: "[The] problem occurs dozens of times a day with airliners at civilian airports around the country, according to aviation experts."

    That comes towards the end of the paper of record's breathless 700-word report on the non-story.

  25. Negropolis

    Totally OT, but Terry Jones of Koran-burning fame is trying to incite more shit. This time, he's doing it here in the capital of Arab America, Dearborn, Michigan.

    As the Quran-burning pastor from Florida prepares to protest on Good Friday outside the biggest mosque in Dearborn, local religious leaders say they're gearing up to counter his message with a show of unity.

    Religious leaders from various backgrounds — Protestant, Jewish, Catholic, Muslim and others — plan to rally Thursday at the Islamic Center of America, where Pastor Terry Jones says he'll protest Friday against radical Islam. The clergy and others plan to link hands in a circle around the mosque to symbolically shield it from Jones, whom they describe as divisive.

    Go Detroit! I hope Friday really turns out to be a good one, 'cause it could go either way.

  26. Naked_Bunny

    The story focuses on a potential collision in flight, but doesn't say much about how Obama's plane struck the ground at a high speed, only gradually rolling to a stop. Terrifying!

  27. horsedreamer_1

    Just imagine if CrossroadsGPS's operatives in FAA &/or CIA could have taken down the First Lady's plane: Obama, distraught, resigns the Presidency, Biden chooses not to run for the Office in 2012, Romney or Huckabee has a year's head-start on whatever third-rate Dem the Left could put up. (Rhode Island Senator Sheldon Whitehouse? Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer?) Karl is pissed, right now.

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