Michelle Obama Survives Near-Fatal Near-Miss Airplane Non-Crash

The entire American world is freaking out right now, according to the home pages of every single American news source, because Michelle Obama was nearly killed in what is being shrugged off as a "landing mishap." The plane carrying our FLOTUS was only three miles away from a military C-17 instead of the required five miles. This is just how badly she wants to support the troops.

Apparently our FLOTUS' life was never actually in danger and one of her idiot staffers didn't even know what was going on, because she was too busy rocking out to Ke$ha on her iPod. And since no one was killed or injured, this is probably a good time for respected news sources to attach the word "abort" to our First Lady as many times as possible so as to remind readers that Michelle Obama just wants to abort all the fat children, and maybe even the skinny ones! [ CNN / USA Today ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette, and sometimes appears during special FLOTUS emergencies.