AND 'DIXIE' IS A PROTEST SONG!  6:48 pm April 19, 2011

Pawlenty’s Kindergarten: Sharing Is ‘Socialist’ & Slavery Helps Capitalism

by Ken Layne

The Bob Dylan version is awesome.Dull turd Tim Pawlenty actually did do something dingbatty enough to qualify him for the second tier of the Republican presidential candidates: He put some fringe-right nutter from the Bush Administration in charge of the Minnesota public school curriculum, and this educational terrorist installed a board of fundamentalist homeschoolers and extremist libertarians who then decided that kindergarteners shouldn’t be taught sharing (too socialist!) and that “We Shall Overcome” was an awfully dark choice, if you know what we mean, to be teaching kids as a “protest song.” So they picked “DIXIE” instead.

The new study guides also downplayed the purchase, imprisonment and forced labor of Africans brought to America as slaves. Why? So as not to sour the children’s view of the Free Market, which worked exceptionally well down South when the labor was free, too. What else was included in this 2003 rewriting of the state’s standards? Jesus, obviously. Lots and lots of Jesus. Children were to be taught that American Jesus was the actual head of the six or seven branches of government — like the mythological sea monster, the Hydra.

Was this just some hands-off/invisible hand-down-the-pants kind of thing, so maybe Pawlenty wasn’t really involved? NO PAWLENTY IS EVIL. He said this about gayly named Cheri Yecke, the Bush Administration goon brought in to dumb-bomb Minnesota’s curriculum: “Dr. Yecke is precisely the right person to lead that change.”

Mother Jones reports:

Yecke formed a committee of educators, parents, politicians, and businessmen, and set them to work drafting the standards. But as Evans and Norling later explained in an article they wrote for the Organization of American Historians’ newsletter, the meetings seemed overrun by conservative activists, some of whom did not reveal their affiliations. One member, identified simply as a parent and former teacher, was on the board of directors of the conservative Claremont Institute, a right-wing think tank that’s been described—by a supporter—as a “training ground for a lifetime campaign in the trenches of political warfare.” (Christine O’Donnell and Andrew Breitbart are both alums.) Private religious academies and homeschoolers were well-represented, even though the standards would have no impact on their curricula.

So what happened? Why aren’t the black kids from Minneapolis public schools being marched around in white cone hats (no sharing!) singing “I wish I was in de land ob cotton, Old times dar am not forgotten; Look away! Look away! Look away! Dixie Land”? Why aren’t they being made to sing that? It’s a perfectly good song.

Because the professors and legitimate teachers of Minnesota did verily rise up, with fists, and say to T-Paw the dull turd, “Uhh, no.” So the state Senate’s Democrat majority borrowed that bit of spine for long enough to reject Yecke’s formal confirmation as educational commissioner.

And Pawlenty just let her lose and didn’t fight back or re-appoint her to some slightly different position. He just tossed her aside, because he’s a twat. Can’t even stand up for “fixing the schools,” that Tim Pawlenty. As for Cheri Yecke, she’s down in Arkansas working for some wingnut academy to protect the cultural Jesus rights of white people. [Mother Jones]

 
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{ 229 comments }

Schmannnity April 19, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Maybe they should have read the words to the 3rd and fourth verses:

Ole Missus marry "Will the weaver"
Willum was a gay deceiver
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

But when he put his arm around 'er,
He smiled fierce as a forty pounder,
Look away! Look away! Look away!
Dixie Land

Tim Pawlenty celebrates bisexual marriage!

weejee April 19, 2011 at 7:06 pm

How festive!

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I think I just passed a "forty pounder" reading that. Thanks!

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 2:04 am

Back then, "gay" meant "prostitute." A "forty-pounder" was a LARGE cannon, firing a 40-lb cannon ball.

Crank_Tango April 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Sharing means caring, and god knows that is not christian.

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:17 pm

Not modern Christians, at any rate. They are definitely all for one, all for one.

GuanoFaucet April 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Wait, so the Minnesota school children aren't going to learn the truth that libertarian Jesus rode a dinosaur while fighting to end the real slavery, taxes?

Biel_ze_Bubba April 20, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Don't worry — the home-schooled kids will still get the message.
"See Spot. See Spot bite the bad muslin. Bite, Spot, bite!"

Barbara_i April 19, 2011 at 6:57 pm

They shouldn't be teaching the kindergarten children that sharing is "socialism" When a kid needs a pencil to dig a bullet out of his arm in the classroom then sharing is the right thing to do.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Kid should have been packing his own heat and shot the perp first.

Sophist [غني عن ذلك] April 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Our Daughter Isn't a Selfish Brat; Your Son Just Hasn't Read
Atlas Shrugged.

(Well, someone was going to link to it, so it might as well be me.)

BaldarTFlagass April 19, 2011 at 7:27 pm

Should be titled "How to Raise a Selfish Cunt." Dear Lord, some poor unsuspecting bastard is going to marry that girl. No doubt she'll feel entitled to half his shit, too, in the divorce settlement.

mayor_quimby April 19, 2011 at 8:12 pm

I agree with the whole cunt thing, but it is hilarious. I hope that little girl is the product of a female bodybuilder and a MMA fighter, cuz she is gonna get her little (fictional) ass kicked

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:25 am

More likely, she'll end up being a (fictional) lesbian.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:53 am

I've already started a countdown-to-legal-age clock for her.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 2:05 am

By a bunch of china-girls, working together!

bumfug April 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Holy shit! Tell me that's some kind of Swiftian satire.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

From the site that brings us I go shooting with David Gergen?

It really is a rather good site.

BaldarTFlagass April 19, 2011 at 9:35 pm

I didn't look any further, that's some satire. Ah well, I thought the first Flashman novel was fact not fiction, too. Of course, I was 11 years old for that one.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Flashie for President!

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 12:40 am

McSweeny does genius-level snark/satire.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:54 am

In a battle of parents, Mc Sweeney's writer v. Libertarian, no matter who wins, we all lose. Win, also, since at least one of them is going down. Still…

dogscantlookup April 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Singing “DIXIE” in Minnesota the north star state, that makes a lot of sense.

Native_of_SL_UT April 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Kinda like singing "Onward Christian Soldiers" in a Mosque, ain't it?

OneYieldRegular April 19, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Sort of makes one wonder exactly how "Dixie" would serve as a protest song – though considering that this is Tim Pawlenty and Michelle Bachmann's Minnesota we're talking about, I could certainly appreciate someone's getting into the spirit of the song.

DahBoner April 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Dixie = We Heart Zero Minimum Wages

V572..whatever April 19, 2011 at 8:32 pm

See, that's so unfair. Don't forget the slaves got room and board and all the overseer cock they could handle.

HistoriCat April 19, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Not to mention they didn't have the burdensome responsibilities of freedom. I mean, you can't really expect those dark-skinned people to handle personal responsibility can you?

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:23 pm

The South has perfected ignoring facts and reality. The only ones who can see through the miasma of false history, pompous tradition, destructive personal relationships, and a fierce adherence to the philosophy and practice of feudalism have done so through the over-generous application of strong drink, usually resulting in an early but welcome death.

CalamityJames April 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Hiyeeeeeeeee!

LowProfileinGA April 19, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Guppy06 April 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Minnesoter: Canada's Dixie.

grigoritheocto April 19, 2011 at 6:59 pm

I was wondering when the wingnuts would get around to calling "sharing" socialist. If Jesus came back right now, I'd give him about 5 minutes before the Christians tore him apart. Come to think of it, at this point he'd probably be an atheist.

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

oh my god, I am so stealing that for my first great american novel. the second coming with an atheist jesus.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Our Father
Who ain't in heaven
Rejected be thy name
Thy kingdom none
Thy will be shunned
On Earth since there is no heaven
For thine ain't the kingdom
Nor power, nor glory
Never, I say never
Amen

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Old Mary, full of grease,
Your heart stops within you,
Scary are the fruits of your tomb,
and harsh are the terms of your sins,

Old Mary, sister of mine, mother to the world,
carry this burden now until the moment of your last breath
Now 'till the moment of your last breath.

[dead weather]

Ken Layne April 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm

TOO LATE.

/ask me later.

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:31 pm

What, you've already stolen it? Well, no rush. I have to learn how to write first anyway.

DashboardBuddha April 19, 2011 at 7:49 pm

"Fuck my old man…just fuck him" J. Christ

Ken Layne April 19, 2011 at 9:30 pm

"You wanna go mano-a-mano right here, old man?"

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:34 pm

LOL. Apparently what my evening lacked was more heresy.

Ducksworthy April 20, 2011 at 10:38 am

This isn't heresy. Heresy is saying Jeebus favors tax cuts for the rich.

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:30 pm

You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Christ family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said "hey! smoke up JC!"

DashboardBuddha April 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

I can totally see Jesus walking up to the old man and saying, "Seriously, what the fuck were you thinking?"

Fukui_sanYesOta April 20, 2011 at 2:18 am

Ha! That'd be Old Testament god, and he'd be all, like, "I can change! I'll stop drinking! Just give me another chance!"

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I was thinking of "sharing" my baseball bat with Pawlenty, but since he is opposed to sharing, maybe I'll just "give it to him".

grigoritheocto April 19, 2011 at 10:33 pm

Yes, but then you'd be forcing him to share his blood with the bat, which would be communism. See, there is no way to beat them. No matter what we do, we are commies! We are so fucked!

WABishop April 19, 2011 at 10:46 pm

Funny how the conservatives evoke the name of Jesus while implementing the policies of the Romans. Crucifixion, for instance, was a zero-tolerance approach to crime.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

It's no secret the religious right worships the devil and just *calls* him Jesus. Who offered health and wealth, all the kingdoms of the world?

Steverino247 April 20, 2011 at 12:29 am

Me, I picture a little Jewish kid running along the columns of marching Roman soldiers saying (in broken Latin), "Hey Cicero! You want my mother? She's a virgin!"

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:34 am

You are so bad…and I love you for it.

So, Joseph says to the centurion he says: Take my wife. No, please, take her!

Steverino247 April 20, 2011 at 1:53 am

My favorite answer to "If you could ask one question of God, what would it be?" is:

Hey, uh, God. Um, was Mary as good as everybody says she was?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 4:31 am

lol!

Are you Catholic? It'd seem that it'd take a lapsed Catholic to come up with so many on-point Mary jokes.

finallyhappy April 20, 2011 at 7:54 am

This deserves many, many thumbs up!

revmod April 20, 2011 at 9:17 am

I think it actually takes five days, from Palm Sunday to Good Friday. Happy Holy week, everyone!

HempDogbane April 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

She was called "Commissioner Yucky" by people of the clue.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Commissar Yucky?

user-of-owls April 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Harding? Harding 'University'? Oh dear god, I know that place. Their school mascot is the Smitin' Saints and the school band is renowned for its half-time performance, "A Salute To Jonestown!"

weejee April 19, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Kool-Aid forever, Gatorade never.

Tastes like almonds it does.

poncho_pilot April 19, 2011 at 9:01 pm

oh, yeah.
http://www.thearchnemesis.com/images/Kool Aid%2…..

ice is also great and would suffice.
http://www.thearchnemesis.com/images/Kool Aid%2…..

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:44 pm

I was thinking that it was Tonya Harding U, clubbing their way to the top of the Christian Ladder.

zhubajie April 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

Are they like Bob Jones U.? Self-accredited?

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:56 am

Somehow, I could see the Stanford band stealing that "Salute to Jonestown".

edgydrifter April 19, 2011 at 7:00 pm

Ugh. Even T-Paw's scandals are boring.

mog253 April 20, 2011 at 12:48 am

And no sense of irony at all.

BlueStateLibel April 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Because if you want to teach kids real patriotism, make them sing the anthem for a failed secessionist movement, great idea.

Sue4466 April 19, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Seriously, WTF is with people who worship the Confederacy claiming to be the most patriotic Americans? actually suggesting that loving the Confederacy is a requirement for patriotism? Fuck.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Folks still hoping to secede and go back to 1850

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:58 am

Another thing for which the Right can blame California: the Compromise of 1850/California Compromise. California enters as a Free State, & slave-auctions are banned in DC; on the flip-side, fugitive slave hunters were allowed to cross into Free Soil states to capture runaways. Still…

GuanoFaucet April 19, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Great, now all the Minnesota schoolchildren are going to turn out to be dope smoking neo-marxists.

KenLayIsAlive April 19, 2011 at 7:19 pm

We can only hope.

user-of-owls April 19, 2011 at 7:32 pm

Old Required 10th Grade Reading: Bible, Ayn Rand & Highlights Magazine.

New Required 10th Grade Reading: Das Kapital, Hunter Thompson & High Times.

calibrit April 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm

We should really be fighting back, with some seriously liberal reading list suggestions. Then the net result will be the Celebrity Deathmatch model of education: Ayn Rand vs. Kurt Vonnegut, Jack Welch's Straight from the Gut vs. Thich Nhat Thanh's The Miracle of Mindfulness. The matchups would be awesome, and the libruls would generally win.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:59 am

Thomas King Forcade, a Great American.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

NOT.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 12:44 am

Turn out to be?

smrtmnky April 19, 2011 at 7:02 pm

on the bright side, they've still got schools in Minnesota

ifthethunderdontgetya April 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Sounds like T-Paw isn't even gonna get a job in the Trump-Bachmann Administration.
`

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Christianity is not Jesus' fault.

OneYieldRegular April 19, 2011 at 7:15 pm

As Nietzche said, there's only been one Christian.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:02 pm

Americanity isn't Xty.

mog253 April 20, 2011 at 12:49 am

too true,after all they killed him for it.

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:36 am

Actually, it is. Remember the whole Great Commission? Yeah, it's completely his fault.

Gopherit April 19, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I anxiously await my copy of the Atlas Shrugged coloring book, courtesy of the Minn Committee for Destroying Anything Good about Childhood.

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Actually that's the script for part 2 of the movie.

poncho_pilot April 19, 2011 at 9:09 pm

it only comes with two crayons: black and white.

Gopherit April 19, 2011 at 10:48 pm

and a pack of pall malls

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:49 pm

The bright spot is that Paul Ryan plans on no medicare being there so they can all die young before sponging off the system. Unlike Ayn Rand who it turns out may have enjoyed some socialism before her passing.

poncho_pilot April 20, 2011 at 1:42 am

Paul Mauls?

BZ1 April 19, 2011 at 7:05 pm

Can't they just arm the Kindergartners, just like in Texas, you know, the well-regulated militia starts young.

Goonemeritus April 19, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I’m a little surprised Ann Rynd wasn’t required reading, Tim’s kind of pussy don’t you think?

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 7:07 pm

I'm so old fashioned I remember a time when morons were kept clear of anything to do with education.

Texan_Bulldog April 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

She'll be fine; there are probably more of the blacks to insult in AR than in MN anyway.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:03 pm

Lots more Indians.

Callyson April 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

While he's at it, T – Paw should just change the state slogan from "The Star of the North" to "I Know What's Mine."
Also, upfists for everyone to balance out the downfisting troll with nothing better to do.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Or as George Carlin commented on yuppies, "Its mine, gimme that".

EdFlintstone April 19, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Couldn't T-Paw just abolish the socialist schools in favor of the Ayn Rand re-education centers? Such a lovely, greasy woman. Remember kids, Mommy and Daddy shouldn't love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7zwO88nRH8

DashboardBuddha April 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Oh my fucking word. I knew the bitch was evil, but fuck…that whore makes Satan blush. If she is the standard bearer for the "young guns" of the GOP, we are more fucked than I ever dreamed.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:56 pm

I was going to write something about Ayn, but her philosphy means I have to call my daughters and tell them and their kids to fuck off, nothing for Easter, I am eating the chocolate I bought myself and the little fuckers should get jobs.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 19, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Look away! Look away! Look away!
ACLU

Gopherit April 19, 2011 at 7:12 pm

Really, I am trying very hard to be snarky about this, but these are horrible, horrible people. I hope Garrison Kellior finally gets mad and takes a bat to them.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 19, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Well, it's been a bloody week here in Lake Wobegon …

$exy$murf April 19, 2011 at 7:28 pm

Minnesota: Where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the governors are below average.

Gopherit April 19, 2011 at 7:31 pm

Ain't that the truth.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:58 pm

When you suck enough to make Jesse Ventrura look like George Washington, you have to be bad.

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:31 pm

This episode brought to you by Gunpowder Milk Biscuits. The biscuits that ''give shy people the strength to stand up and do what needs to be done.''

weejee April 19, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Shed a tear for the northern tier. What is up with Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan? Did the zebra mussels or lamprey eels pooping in the Great Lakes cause a problem with the drinking water?

V572..whatever April 19, 2011 at 8:37 pm

I spent many a summer in WI and MN and don't remember all this anger and class warfare. Maybe we can blame it on Romney (pere) who had all the Rambler factories in Janesville, etc.

emmelemm April 19, 2011 at 8:53 pm

My mom had a Rambler when I was growing up…. Good times! (not really)

Ken Layne April 19, 2011 at 9:38 pm

These people are what, 20% of the electorate? And they're reactionary white upper-middle-classers who "got theirs" and have particular anger for the cold midwest's long history and present practice of democratic labor politics. These are the people who cheered Wellstone's plane crash. They're the shit of the earth.

V572..whatever April 20, 2011 at 12:16 am

In the Midwest of long ago no one knew about the Gheys or autoerotic strangulation or even rape — it was “assault.” Now the Poors and the Urbans and their jive-ass rap are inescapable, even if you live on two-lane Highway 51. So they're mad. They never liked working at the Rambler plant or Milwaukee Tool or even Harley-Davidson, and those jobs are gone anyway. So they're mad at the Kenyan colored man in the White House and the workers who still have union jobs. Walker taps this somehow.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 1:57 am

Mm. Watch out for generalization. I don't know how you define "long ago", but none of those things were unknown 45 years ago.

The base problem is job loss — the timber/paper industry has gone to shit because of all the fast-growth pines now down in the Carolinas, and a lot of the manufacturing was tied to the Big Three auto companies, and, well, fuck. And, at least in Wisconsin, unions have still retained some clout, which leads to periodic showdowns where management threatens to move everything to, e.g., Arkansas.

When people lose jobs, they lose the sense that life is going well, and they look for someone else to blame. The urbans have been there forever, but now their jive-ass rap is just as likely being played by white-ass wangsters, so it is inescapable. For reasons that I have never been able to understand (although I think it must have the same roots as religion), people (at least Europeans and Americans) tend to respond to SMALL differences in financial well-being by wanting to pull down the slightly-better-off, rather than insisting that everyone should move up to the slightly-better-off level. (Note: this is the point of unions).

I think Walker "tapped into this" because "drag everybody down" is sort of the default case. It takes a lot of work — much of it futile — to try to explain to people that, yes, they're being fucked over — but by their own employers, and not by other workers.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:05 pm

In my father's case, the world didn't stand still when he was a boy. Things got too complicated around 1950, he says.

ThundercatHo April 19, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Don't forget OH-IO, our Gov is fucking over the teachers and is also planning to sell the turnpike.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:06 pm

When I left Cincy, early '90s, they were facing a billion dollar replacement bill for the sewers, destroyed by corrosive chemical waste. What's happened there?

Ducksworthy April 20, 2011 at 10:53 am

They went back to dumping it directly into Mill Creek. Problem solved.

zhubajie April 21, 2011 at 7:44 am

So no more exploding toilets in Lower Price Hill?

mog253 April 20, 2011 at 12:51 am

teachers the new white meat.

XOhioan April 19, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Language Arts curriculum consisted of learning to talk like Yosemite Sam.

emmelemm April 19, 2011 at 7:17 pm

As I was waxing rhapsodic last night, I went to elementary school in librul country in the 1970s, with lots of "ethnic" and "urban" children, and we sang a lot of "We Shall Overcome".

AND LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT!

Wait, what?

KenLayIsAlive April 19, 2011 at 7:22 pm

I guess Pawlenty believes in getting back to the basics in education, you know, the three Ks.

BaldarTFlagass April 19, 2011 at 7:23 pm

Too bad Slim Pickens ain't around any more, they could get him to film an instructional film with a target audience of the Minnesota pickaninny kids, and he could teach them how to sing "De Camptown Ladies." Well, maybe they can find the old clip on Youtube.

It's stories like these that make me want to gun down the door-to-door God-botherers, and go out and deface their billboards. Instead I just keep my head down with the Bacardi and Bubblegum Train Wreck or whatever the hell my dealer is calling it this month.

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 8:54 pm

I pay you guys to lay track- not dance around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.

Put me down for the Union, bring it on you secessionist mutha fuckas.

poncho_pilot April 19, 2011 at 9:16 pm

"well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones."

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

Dude, do what I do, tell them the shit about their religion they didn't know.

Joseph Smith is a freakin' gold mine.

Added: And then they'll leave some secret mark on your house so no one comes anymore. At least that seems to have been the case. BTW, I'm VERY polite to them.

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:35 pm

True story: my brother was bothered by JW's and Mormons on a regular basis. One day a pair of JW's came up to the door. My brother spied them and sent his 5-year-old son out to greet them. His son happened to by playing with an off-color Philipino sculptural souvenir that had a dick on a spring. My nephew answered the door holding the icon by the cock. The JW's took one look, said "oh my" and left.

He was never bothered again.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:09 pm

I put up Chinese door gods, posters of heavy-set men in full armor, brandishing weapons — the most serious martial artists you can imagine. Missionaries don't bother me at all.

ThundercatHo April 19, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Exactly. Just ask them to prove the bible is the absolute truth without citing the bible. Makes their heads explode. Other great questions to ask : What if the bible is wrong? and How can you expect me to "just have faith" in something that you cannot prove?

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Ask'em if their Bible has the Book of Enoch, see what they say. If they've never heard of it, tell'em Jude quotes it.

Ducksworthy April 20, 2011 at 10:56 am

I have also found that they can be induced to move heavy household appliances from the basement to the curb.

[redacted]hse April 19, 2011 at 9:54 pm

Wait- Step'n Fetchit? Slim was a honky.

biocurious April 19, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I'm glad the fundamentalist Christians are finally taking a hardline stance on everything Jesus stood for – like racism and the hoarding of cash and possessions.

Fukui_sanYesOta April 19, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Or protecting children from abuse

What limited contact with the outside world they had came through the Dutros' roles as parishioners at Antioch's Calvary Open Bible Church, which the women
said condemned them and defended their father when they would speak out about the abuse — even after Zion was convicted of molesting one of them in 1995.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:11 pm

It ain't just catholics!

Madfall April 19, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Fuckin poor people, how do they work?

biocurious April 19, 2011 at 7:55 pm

Hey Mads, long time no ___.

Madfall April 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Well if you will stay away from the family arguments and miss the weekend sexblog, *harrumph*

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 19, 2011 at 7:59 pm

Render bupkus unto Caesar.

Suffer the little children to be homeschooled and taught how to shoot.

You have heard it said, love your friends and hate your enemies. Damn straight.

If a man strikes you on the cheek, fucking destroy his ass.

God is love. And monkeys fly out of my butt.

When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites who stand in the synagogues and love to be seen by men. Use a bullhorn, and fire some warning shots if they aren't listening.

Beloved, love one another. Freaking homos.

Give us this day our daily lottery ticket, so we might be able to move out of this crap neighborhood with all the whores and poor people.

biocurious April 19, 2011 at 8:04 pm

For the love of equality is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows. But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after selfishness, godliness, faith, anger, xenophobia, and hating the three Ms – Muslims, Mexicans, and marijuana.

mayor_quimby April 19, 2011 at 9:25 pm

That is correct! How long until a candidate runs on a pure Jesus platform and they say 'fuck that guy' ? Not long, if they haven't already.
And +100p on your avatar and nickname, fucking awesome!

AngryGeometer April 19, 2011 at 7:37 pm

There is no god but Godzilla.

mrpuma2u April 19, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Yeesh. T-Paw seems to be doing some crazy shuffle-step, trying to appease both the bat-sh!t crazies on the right, and still seem like a bland honkey who can garner enough of the moderates to limp his way into the nomination.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 11:12 pm

There are moderate Republicans any more? I thought they slept with the fishes and the liberal Republicans!

mavenmaven April 19, 2011 at 7:41 pm

The only thing they need to know about is White-Person-Jesus and the requisite guns needed to protect him.

iburl April 19, 2011 at 7:45 pm

I resemble that remark.

MinAgain April 19, 2011 at 7:49 pm

I'm pretty sure even the illegitimate teachers thought Yecke was moron.

extremist libertarians

I am embarassed to say that I read that as "extremist librarians", and I was briefly appalled.

LetUsBray April 19, 2011 at 8:07 pm

When they say "Sssshhh", you fucking well better shush…

poncho_pilot April 19, 2011 at 9:23 pm
ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:07 am

I've known some librarians. I'd be okay with extremist librarians.

pinkocommi April 19, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Oh, Ken Layne! You're so funny. Pretending there are black people in Minnesota… [Belly laugh] Stop! My stomach hurts!

mayor_quimby April 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

hey, hey hey, I personally know a BlackinAsian couple from MN that has actually spawned! The horror.
Actually, they're awesome and their spawn are adorable.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 19, 2011 at 10:19 pm

What about Prince, huh?

Beowoof April 20, 2011 at 12:03 am

Come on they have the Minnesota Vikings, I think you can find a few over at their training facility when the strike is over.

DahBoner April 19, 2011 at 7:57 pm

Yecke?

No, yuck!

bumfug April 19, 2011 at 8:01 pm

And then they promoted Family Values by rubbing burnt cork on the kids' faces and singing, "How I loves ya, how I loves ya, mah dear ol' mammy!"

Lucidamente1 April 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

You can't spell "cheeky rice" without Cheri Yucke.

nounverb911 April 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Didn't he play for the Packers?

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:28 pm

The Cubs, I thought.

WABishop April 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Back when they were awesome.

Beowoof April 19, 2011 at 11:47 pm

Middle Line Backer and a mean one too.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 12:44 am

66

Radio_Level_7 April 19, 2011 at 8:21 pm

What do you expect from a guy from "gritty" South St. Paul ?

[redacted]hse April 20, 2011 at 9:32 am

ooh…mean streets!

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. April 19, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Jesus loved sharing as the exchange of God's goodwill among his flock.

However, Jesus also taught his apostles that the theft of one's rightfully earned income in the form of taxation by ILLEGITIMATE heads of state is no less a blaspheme than to fornicate upon the Image of God.

[redacted]hse April 19, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Say, just where IS this Image of God? Just curious, no reason or anything.

Swampgas_Man April 20, 2011 at 8:11 am

"Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's"?

WhatTheHolyHeck April 20, 2011 at 1:56 pm

Holy shit, Jeebus was a birther.

WinterOuthouse April 19, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Minnesoda is going to make all the kids sound like Foghorn Leghorn.

Anyone want to come over for a chicken dinner?

el_donaldo April 19, 2011 at 8:28 pm

Everything I've needed to know I learned in the re-education camps.

V572..whatever April 19, 2011 at 8:40 pm

You know you want to see her:
http://news.minnesota.publicradio.org/features/20

weejee April 19, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Did she ever get a ticket for double parking her broom?

MissTaken April 19, 2011 at 8:58 pm

Helmet hair? Check
Double chin? Check
Wannabe Sarah Palin glasses? Check
Suit of some sort of plaid? Check
Wannabe Donald Trump dead animal on head? Check

4TheTurnstiles April 19, 2011 at 9:22 pm

That smile just screams, "I'm tolerating an abusive marriage because I can't admit to myself or my family my innermost desire for female companionship, for Jesus"

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:27 pm

Win.

Radio_Level_7 April 19, 2011 at 9:29 pm

She's Radio pretty

[redacted]hse April 19, 2011 at 10:03 pm

I'd be willing to spew on that face if I knew she'd find out.

undeterredbyreality April 19, 2011 at 10:07 pm

You sure that's not T-Paw in drag?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:43 am

Ayeeeee! It's the Church Lady.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 20, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Yecke!

owhatever April 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Oh, I wish I wuz in de land ob ten-thousand lakes,
Folks up dere got wot it takes
To make me
Run away, run away, run away
And get warm.

comrad_darkness April 19, 2011 at 9:49 pm

In related news: In a letter to President Obama on Saturday, Texas Gov. Rick Perry requested federal emergency assistance, saying all but two of the state's 254 counties had been threatened or affected by the fires.

Hey, bitch, I thought you were seceding. . .

glamourdammerung April 19, 2011 at 10:08 pm

I am sure the federal government could set up some kind of contract to assist Texas at a reasonable market rate.

Guppy06 April 19, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Emergency assistance is no way to reduce the deficit!

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:41 pm

I saw this and thought the same thing. makes me wish Obama was the type of asshole that would say something like "I thought you seceded." or something like what Bush did w/ Katrina. "You didn't fill out the paperwork correctly. sorry."

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:44 pm

Obama to Perry: I understand your problem, and as President I understand your troubles, but let me be perfectly clear. Go fuck yourself with a flaming tumbleweed. Hope the Mexicans take you back instead of resurrecting Santa Ana to do it right this time. And don't let those brush fires near the U.S. border, otherwise I'm gonna ship Fukushima to Texas as a goodwill gift to your fine country, or kingdom, or barren wasteland, whatever you wanna call it when you secede. Sincerely, the President of the 49 United States.

ThundercatHo April 19, 2011 at 10:58 pm

Seriously, Rick, go fuck yourself. We is trimming the budget and Texas gets shit.

Dudleydidwrong April 19, 2011 at 11:01 pm

Oh, the hypocrisy! Oh, the hypocrisy! Rick Perry requests federal aid! If I were Obama I'd answer him by finding that Oregon post office employee, flying him over Perry's mansion and telling him to do his thing. Then I'd give him a raise.

"Federal assistance? We don't need no stinkin' federal assistance. Vamanos!"

Beowoof April 20, 2011 at 12:09 am

Dick, is just trying to continue getting those blue state tax $

arihaya April 20, 2011 at 4:06 am

hahhaha eat that states' right

Guppy06 April 19, 2011 at 10:06 pm
undeterredbyreality April 19, 2011 at 10:16 pm

Where have all the good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where's the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream
of what I need

I need a hero…

Steverino247 April 20, 2011 at 12:31 am

DEATH TO TRAITORS!

OneDollarJuana April 19, 2011 at 10:16 pm

And Jeebus is the King Kong of the Jews.

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 1:21 am

I thought Jesu was the Prince of Pees?

poncho_pilot April 20, 2011 at 1:37 am

can Mohammad be played by Jet Jaguar?

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 8:51 am

Sacreligio!

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Harding also claims Ken Starr as a notable alum even though according to wikipedia (Kenneth Starr: lawyer, professor, former Office of the Independent Counsel, former dean of the Pepperdine University law school, and current president of Baylor University. (Starr did not graduate from Harding; he received his degrees from George Washington University, Brown University, and Duke University)

natl_indecency_cmdr April 19, 2011 at 10:50 pm

also, “training ground for a lifetime campaign in the trenches of political warfare.”

a training ground. for a lifetime campaign.

see? they won't stop.

zhubajie April 19, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Is that for real? I'd love to see it!

Santa crucified in a Tokyo department store's Xmas display was for real.

zappadoo76 April 20, 2011 at 12:03 am

I am seeing fascism develop right in front of my eyes and I can't believe it. It's all there: the middle class mass movement (Teabaggers) financed by big capital (Kochs et al.) aimed at destroying democratic rights and trade unions and solving economic problems by aggressive war while repressing an unhappy populace with a police state.

Did I leave anything out? I'm sure I did. But I don't want to believe it.

No wait. There's always a charismatic leader, like Tim Pawlenty.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 12:22 am

stop it. you're making me believe in the rapture.

Steverino247 April 20, 2011 at 1:14 am

You say that like it's a bad thing. Come the Rapture, these assholes will be gone.

trumpbly_joe April 20, 2011 at 7:24 am

Meh, all these wingnuts make the critical error of assuming that if there *is* a rapture, they're the ones that'll be going.

Biel_ze_Bubba April 20, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Maybe they're wrong, but this Rapture thing still sounds like it's worth a try.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:08 am

Debbie Harry infuriates me, & those new jacks from Omaha, with their complicated haircuts, get on my last nerve.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 12:20 am

i do remember that horror. little did we know just the beginning of the batshit crazy republican chick taking over the entire bloody party.

fuflans April 20, 2011 at 12:23 am

yeah, but were MN kindergartners packing heat? cause if not, TX FTW!!!

Lost_Teabaggers April 20, 2011 at 12:49 am

God it urks me when wingnuts pretend fascism and Communism carry the same reasoning when they arrive from completely different views, espouse different ideas and expect different results. Any time a wingnut does that, casually links the two it right away shows they don't have a clue what they are talking about and should probably just shut the fuck up. It's not that I even like either ideology, it's the casual lazy ignorance and arrogance of it…fascism is collectivism, come fucking on, wingnut.

Anyway, just wanted to get that one off my chest, wonkette is a good place to blow off the irritation created by grating ignorance + arrogance= wingnut.

Oh, and I fucking hate wingnuts.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 12:53 am

C'mon Ken, there were no Nash Ramblers still running in 2000.

My first car was a Rambler, but even in 1966 it was an "American Motors" Rambler. A piece of shit, but cheap. It carried me from Milwaukee to China Lake and back for three summers of Civil Service work, back when that option still existed for college students.

Terrible car. Some pretty good times though. Except for the war. But we apparently always have those.

Steverino247 April 20, 2011 at 1:13 am

And don't you DARE feel gay when Johnny come marching home again!

tribbzthesquidz April 20, 2011 at 1:31 am

DARE to be misinformed and bullied.

tribbzthesquidz April 20, 2011 at 1:29 am

There are a lot of places in this country, where parents would be wise to yank their kids out of public school for the opposite reasons of the current caricature of homeschoolerz. Unhealthy, unsafe, dumb jesus nuts, kafka-esque, bad food, DARE, faith-science, faith-sex ed, caste system. Those who can't afford the nice private schools are going to have to be making it more on their own or networking with like minds, off the grid, if they don't want their kids joining the conspiracy of stupid.

finallyhappy April 20, 2011 at 8:02 am

I have met people who homeschooled for those reasons- although by High school put kids back so they could learn higher level science and math(and I think we have pretty decent schools here-althoough yeah, bad food)

poncho_pilot April 20, 2011 at 1:40 am

George Washington Carver and Ben Franklin. either one could kick their collective asses.

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 2:05 am

My name is Yon Yonson, I come from Wisconsin…

MadBrahms April 20, 2011 at 3:20 am

Quoth Wikipedia: "Campaigns against "Dixie" and other Confederate symbols have helped create a sense of political ostracism and marginalization among working-class white Southerners"

That must just be awful, not being able to identify with your southern heritage, by which I mean the days in which you not only turned men into chattel but also conquered them by expropriating and making a mockery out of their language.

You have to be at least a *bit* more subtle with your crypto-racism; talk about "state's rights" or some other canard. Dixie? Seriously?

Negropolis April 20, 2011 at 4:38 am

"Campaigns against "Dixie" and other Confederate symbols have helped create a sense of political ostracism and marginalization among working-class white Southerners"

Talk about drawing false moral equivalencies. I really can't sympathize in any way with this. If Southerners can't find pride in their region outside of their historic rebellion, they deserve to be ridiculed. I just don't get it. The same goes for Texas and the "we are so proud we were once an independent nation" bullshit. Yeah, you couldn't stand that fucking culturally enlightened Mexico had outlawed chattel slavery, so you withdrew from their union. Don't mess with Texas, eh? Fuck Texas.

Honestly, can they not define themselves in any other way? Is there no pride in the South outside of having had an economy based on owning people and treating the vast majority of the population (poor whites) as sharecroppers and subsistence farmers? The entire system was depraved, yet they want to remember it as the good ole days.

I really blame the US government on this one, what with giving up on Reconstruction and all, which allowed for the entrenchment of Jim Crowe that haunted the region for another 100 years+.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:10 am

It only took the GOP sixteen years to become entrenched. (Well, 22, but 16 from Lincoln's first election.) Had the party barons & big business interests been willing to let Tilden in, the Congressional Republicans could have continued Reconstruction.

schvitzatura April 23, 2011 at 5:51 am

Yeah, a few more decades of wrathful grape vintage stomping the Sesesh into model citizens would have been beneficial to all concerned.

Maybe Reconstruction, Part Deux is in order…

ShaveTheWhales April 20, 2011 at 6:28 am

So, "Dixie" in Minnesota. Actually, I guess I must have learned it as a kid in Wisconsin, since I more or less know how it goes.

However, let me tell my anti-Dixie story.

I went to the University of Wisconsin. In 67 or 68, I think, we hosted an NCAA Regional (what is now referred to as the Sweet Sixteen).. As it happened, we weren't in it (and it didn't matter anyhow, 'cause UCLA had that Alcindor kid), but Marquette (from Milwaukee) was. Since it was at the Camp Randall Fieldhouse, there were some (shitty) seats available for students, so I went. One of the semifinal games was Marquette vs Kentucky. Kentucky was, in those days, kind of like Duke is now — always contenders. The team was also — and it's hard for me to believe this memory — all white. They were also pretty good, but Marquette (not all-white) managed to beat them.

At the closing buzzer, the Marquette band struck up a tune, but not the Marquette fight song — they played the Battle Hymn of the Republic. And once the crowd figured out what was going on, 14000 people joined the chorus.

widget2011 April 20, 2011 at 6:41 am

This, my friends, is the St. Ronald of Raygun legacy. Isn't it lovely? Lower taxes for billionairs, rampant racism and LGBT bigotry, cronyism, union busting, biggest per capita prison population on earth, endless drug testing for all, teabagging idiots, permanent right wing supreme court, homeschooling. As a matter of fact, almost everything that is wrong with the United States can be tracked back to this senile, superstitious, bible thumping moron. Any room left on Mt. Rushmore?

Epic Fail.

102415 April 20, 2011 at 11:36 am

No bible thumping. He never went to church and didn't care who knew. As for the rest of what you said, carry on.

horsedreamer_1 April 20, 2011 at 9:06 am

370 down, 249,630 to go.

The world is watching, Scooter.

carlgt1 April 20, 2011 at 11:37 am

ugh, read about the 1st Minnesota Volunteer Infantry at the Battle of Gettysburg and you'll see how appawling Tim's choice of Dixie is. I guess it's OK to be a despicable, insulting asshole when you're a RepugliKKKan….

ttommyunger April 20, 2011 at 1:39 pm

And up is down, and black is white and TeaPaw has a chance at being President.

emmelemm April 20, 2011 at 3:02 pm

The Rambler was my mom's first car, after she and my dad got divorced when I was a little kid. No idea who recommended that such a car might be a good fit for a single mom, but it was always breaking down. This was also concurrent with the oil embargo of the 70s, so, gas station lines and such. (Good times! Not really.)

Once the Rambler died for good, my mom got an adorable blue Datsun B210.

schvitzatura April 23, 2011 at 5:41 am

Yecke and T-Paw can share an economy-sized bag of lightly salted poisoned rat schlongs:

He captured Harper’s Ferry, with his nineteen men so few,
And frightened "Old Virginny" till she trembled thru and thru;
They hung him for a traitor, they themselves the traitor crew,
But his soul is marching on.

DashboardBuddha April 20, 2011 at 8:03 am

Truer words were never said. Heinlein said that the old testament god had the morals of a spoiled child. As much as I respect and admire Bob, I have to disagree. OT God is more like a violent alcoholic.

trampndirtdown April 20, 2011 at 9:06 am

I'm reading God Knows by Joseph heller right now, and he describes God as a complete asshole.

comrad_darkness April 20, 2011 at 10:25 am

Meanwhile Satan is off to the side rubbing his hands saying, "heh, tricked Him again. Omniscient, my ass."

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