office depot politics

Floor of House Now Reserved Only For Stunts

It’s been a long time since members of Congress had any chance of swaying a colleague’s vote. It’s been even longer since they could do it with the strength of their rhetoric. Why do we even have a floor of the House anymore? Just let members of Congress works from home and send votes from their smart phones. They can do it while they’re having sex in rest-stop bathrooms! They’ll like that! We don’t need the Capitol. Sell it. You can probably get good money for it. Those lobbyists are always looking for more space. DEFICIT FIXED.

So here is Rep. Joe Crowley with a little “speechless” routine. We get it! Everybody needs to do this now so they can put it on their YouTube and become Internet famous/get campaign contributions! But this sort of thing is best left to Anthony Weiner, who actually gets a little creative.

Oh, and Zach Galifianakis.

[YouTube via Wonkette operative “David G.”]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. bureaucrap

    mostly lame, but at least his heart is in the right place. Still, it would have been better if he had banged his shoe on the podium.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Still, it would have been better if he had banged his shoe on the podium hurled his shoes at Paul Ryan and John Boehner, respectively.


      1. OneDollarJuana

        Shoes filled with hammers. (Hammer toes that is, in case the Secret Service is listening)

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      He does look a little like Little shoe-banging Nikita. Or Vic Mackey. Or Uncle Fester. (Hey, maybe he should have put a light bulb in his mouth to 'illuminate' his points, hahah!)

  2. EdFlintstone

    He was reprimanded by the house for not putting this on styrofoam. Needs moar finger lickin.

  3. hooray4anything

    If I remember correctly, this didn't happen until CSpan started up and then Congressmen discovered they could be camera whores for the home folks. Then CSpan started to pull the camera back to reveal that there usually was up to maybe 10 other Congressmen there (only there to have their camera whoring moment) and so the Congress critters did the only reasonable thing possible- told CSpan they couldn't do that.

    But now, thanks to YouTube, they don't have to even worry about that

  4. Callyson

    Hilarious…but this could use some music, a la Bob Dylan and Weird Al Yankovic. Stevie Wonder's classic "You Haven't Done Nothing" comes to mind, or the Great Depression hit "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime."
    Or, to be more direct, if you google "fuck you song," several options pop up…

      1. cheaphits

        Exactly –

        "It’s been a long time since members of Congress had any chance of swaying a colleague’s vote. It’s been even longer since they could do it with the strength of their rhetoric."

        Because now money talks and congress has learned not to talk back to it.

  5. Moonbatting Average

    The stunt I really want to see on the House floor involves Nancy Pelosi running down the Tea Party caucus in a monster truck.

    Either that, or releasing live velociraptors.

    1. Negropolis

      That second one if the one I want to see. If they can't find raptors, the least they could do is find lions and tigers (no bears).

    1. Raoul Libpuke IV

      Oh, um…for stunning cunts!

      *Sorry for the delay, I was debating whether to spell out the hated word and decided that these guys deserve nothing less than full clarity. See you next Tuesday!

    2. ChessieNefercat

      OT, but I stumbled across this today, and for a real cunning stunt, see just how desperate our favorite attention whore can sound (via her spokes-twatter):

      Dare we tell her that Wonkette covered her screechifying? Would it make her feel better?

  6. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Next week Mitch McConnell will drink a glass of water while rep Charlie McCarthy (R-Tartarus) denounces Obama's budget as Islamarxocialism.

  7. NorthStarSpanx

    I for one find this American "Joe's" tactics a lot more palatable over Alan Grayson's verbiage and theatrics, but I still would have wanted him in the House. Too bad he lost.

  8. elviouslyqueer

    Crowley forgot GOP priority 4: Outlaw abortion forever and kill any and all women who even think about having some say over their own bodies; and priority 5: Outlaw gays, lesbians, bisexuals, ambisexual walnuts, and trannies, and send them on a one way trip to Mars. Getting them out of the way = millions of jobs! PROBLEM SOLVED.

  9. Gopherit

    Let me guess…..being a good Dem, he's also on the house committee on the environment. Those trees did not die in vain.

    Now that needed Benny Hill music.

    1. Ducksworthy

      3 M is not actually an American corporation and hasn't been for a long time. I don't know what the first M stands for but I'm pretty sure its not Minnesota. Michele maybe or money. They could care less about us and we should return the favor.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Kinda derivative of that Subterranean Homesick Blues Dylan video, huh?

    Also, looks like our downfister finally woke up.

  11. guangho

    This started because teapartiers picked up the extremely bad habit of screaming/hissing at dems about how being against closing homeless shelters was the same thing as sucking off Osama bin Laden. (When they weren't prepping a shine for St. Ronnie who…em…sucked off Osama bin Laden.)

  12. pinkocommi

    Snooze…. Wake me up when the House of Representatives do a cover of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up.

  13. aguacatero

    I was about to condemn that cheap stunt, until I notice he's a Democrat and that I agree with all his stunty slogans. So go, Speechless dude!

    1. widestanceroman

      Had this been done by a Republican, the sheets would have been turned by a top-heavy lady who seemed very pleased with herself.

  14. __kth__

    Well he's on the side of the angels, but I'm lolling at him keeping his indignant face on while he moistens his fingers to tear off the next leaf.

  15. Ducksworthy

    Downfisty really better be careful on here. This Galifianakis stuff will rot his brains, make him cross-eyed and grow hair on his palms, simultaneously.

    1. Beowoof

      I am pretty sure when the downfister isn't downfisting he is doing something to ensure the hair on his plams stays full and long.

  16. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    The problem with voting from rest stops is that the congressmen will be too busy paying threatening stocky black men to give them blow jobs to actually get any voting done.

  17. johnnymeatworth

    if they're going to act like six year olds, why haven't they dropped their guns in the cafeteria yet?

  18. jus_wonderin

    I think the great US of A could make money if they allow us, the citizens, to ride the monuments. Ex: Sit on Lincoln knee. Look up Teddy's nose. Why the fees for the Washington alone could balance the budget. I want the Lube concession.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, if they charged 5 or 10 bucks to visit the Smithsonian, that would help. It's mostly furriners visiting there anyway.

      1. finallyhappy

        We used to charge 10 cents(if you had it with you) to go into the Washington Monument(this was in the 70's)- there was a place you put a dime into something like old bus money holders but we let you in dime or not.
        The Smithsonian gets mostly American badly behaved school kids(or so it seems to me)- the foreigners(except maybe french school groups- Canadian?) seem much better behaved. There was a thought to charge $7.50 for a pass for all of the museums for the duration of one trip(a week or whatever). Considering how much souvenir crap I see kids buy plus how much a trip to DC costs- I don't think adding $5- $10 bucks a person is bad but it didn't get passed. We do have donation boxes but have no idea what we get. TMI, I am sure, on something no one cares about really

  19. MinAgain

    Think of all the potential Congressional papercuts! Good thing they have publically funded healthcare.

  20. Beowoof

    The trouble here is that the GOP doesn't care even a little. They have their shills over at Fox selling the olds on how wonderful life will be for them with no medicare and no jobs for their kids and grandkids. With a flat out propaganda operation running constantly on TV and radio there is little need for concern. They are even paying people to get their propaganda on to liberal radio. They are willing to spend boatloads of money to obtain and maintain power for their own gain. If they told the truth to the voters about the ass fucking with no lube awaitng them, things may then be different.

  21. Hatrabbit

    Remember that time when Congressman Evil Knieval jumped a bus over 14 Congressional Committees. Now that's Democracy!

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Oh, wow, I just love those Mummenschanz guys. They were great on the Muppet Show, too. I'm not sure this is one of their better bits, though.

  23. mavenmaven

    The only surprising thing to me was that some GOP guy didn't moon him/shoot him/yell "YOU LIE".
    I suppose they'll just put a target crosshatch on his electoral seat, or have Glenn Beck fixate on him, and he'll be gone soon enough.

  24. weejee

    As true stunt would be Bachmann coming in doing a 'highchair' (a wheelie on a motorcycle with her legs draped over the handlebars).

  25. carlgt1

    it's at least a far more civil form of disobedience than the GOP stunts on the House floor — i.e Dick Cheney screeching "FUCK OFF" or that entire Terri Sciavo fiasco….

  26. hagajim

    Could someone slip I'm…AN ASSHOLE…in after the speechless line. If he's so speechless why doesn't he STFU already!

  27. OneYieldRegular

    I'm sure I'd feel like my public service/political career was off to a terrific start if my Congressperson boss handed me a pad of newsprint and a Magic Marker and asked me to prepare that presentation.

  28. randcoolcatdaddy

    I say we just be done with it and start naming the seats and districts after corporations and have the reps just phone it in with Skype.

  29. Warpde

    I like it.
    May not play well to the blind. But works great for the deaf.
    Take note Palin, using this tactic to get your message across will keep us all from going deaf.

  30. Negropolis

    This isn't a House floor stunt. A stunt would be Michelle Bachmann shooting champagne out of her ass, or Kristi Noem french kissing an underaged congressional page, either male or female, for five uninterrupted minutes whilst donned in period powdered wig and knickers.

    1. finallyhappy

      I still get email from him but I had made campaign donations and met him at a progressive Dem(but expensive- unllike my local progressive dem group) conference

  31. ttommyunger

    I'm breathlessly awaiting the next "joint" session of Congress when Mitch McConnell and Orange-Boy have buttsecks in the Well of the Senate and bitch about not getting a reach-around. Now that's politics!

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