kindergarten and cops

Texas Kindergartner Exercising 2nd Amendment Rights At School Hurts 3

Looks good. Send him over to Libya.The great thing about writing over-the-top joke exaggerations about America is that often they come true! For example, just this morning we were sarcastically criticizing Jan Brewer for failing to extend gun rights to kindergartners who need to open fire on their classmates. Then, about an hour and half after we posted that, a six-year-old kindergartner’s loaded gun fell out of his pocket in the school cafeteria and fired, injuring himself and two other children, one of them also six and the other five years old. Since this is Texas we’re talking about, where they actually RESPECT the Second Amendment, we presume a parade will be held in honor of this young patriot listening to the Constitution and doing as it says. As soon as he (and whatever kids survive) get out of the hospital.

All three children were put on stretchers and taken to ambulances, to be checked out at a hospital. The students were sitting up and appeared to be talking with emergency personnel as they were wheeled away.

Upset parents rushed to the school, where yellow crime scene tape was strung and more than a dozen Houston police and district patrol cars were parked outside as officers investigated where the boy got the gun.

Where the boy got the gun? The boy got the gun from GOD HIMSELF, through His pals the Founding Fathers, who enshrined Cool Pew-Pew Sounds in our Law. Why is big government stepping in to “investigate” and trying to leave a chilling effect on this six-year-old’s gun purchases? Is he not a citizen? Could he not use that gun one day if he forms a well-regulated Militia? That’s all you need to know. Case closed. It’s called “the Second Amendment,” idiots.

We thought in Texas every kid’s best friend is a gun. Who was this boy supposed to be friends with, other boys? That sounds like a violation of the state’s strict no-homo laws. [AP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    It's April 19th. I saw this coming. It could not have happened on any other day.

    • LesPaultard

      Kids were looking for an excuse to skip on 4/20. They got it.

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Kid's parents deserve an award. I suggest a Darwin.

    • DashboardBuddha

      I'm thinking a marketing link between the Darwin Awards and the NRA would be effective.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        There does seem to be a link between Darwin recipients and with the combo of alcohol, testosterone, and firearms.

      • poncho_pilot

        "you can't spell Darwin without NRA"?

        • Crank_Tango

          You also can't spell it without WIN. 2nd amendment winning!

    • SorosBot

      Just imagine if this kid's parents had been proud home scholers; then maybe someone deserving could have been shot instead two random other kids.

      • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

        Okay, thanks for that. I FINALLY have a reason to support homescholering.

      • GOPCrusher

        Bah! The other two kids that were injured just showed proper control of their firearms by having them holstered.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I'm thinking vasectomy.

      But who are we to snark at this time of highly predictable tragedy?

  • finallyhappy

    Now if every other 6 old had a gun in that classrom- one of them could have returned fire- more guns in the classroom could have prevented this tragedy.

    • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

      Just don't arm the teachers or cafeteria workers — they're probably unionized socialists, intent on overthrowing god with all that larnin'. Oh, HA-HA, this is Texas, not America. Carry on, then.

  • Steverino247

    Let me just say that I'm glad my grandchildren are on Spring Break right now and that I no longer live in Texas.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledfetus

    He acquired the gun even after failing the background check, apparently.

    • johnnymeatworth

      Who knew it had a spelling test?

    • GOPCrusher

      Further proof, that more pre-school firearm safety classes are necessary. But not government funded, let Colt or Smith & Wesson fund these courses.

  • Bonzos_Bed_Time

    In a related note, Texas is seeing a surge in Glock sales!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    His NRA card has been stamped, "No Dessert, for 30 days!"

    • LesPaultard

      They cut off one corner.

    • ThundercatHo

      How can you have any pudding if you don't beat your meat?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Meanwhile, his dad was accosted by muggers and drew down on them with a cap pistol. Little mixup at the breakfast table this morning.

    • DashboardBuddha

      There is nothing funny about this situation.

      Aww fuck it…yeah there is. I LMAO at this comment.

  • PabaBritannica

    Obviously this kid was raised on the special Marilyn Manson Edition of Baby Einstein.

    • Angry_Marmot

      The Beautiful People…

  • SayItWithWookies

    The kid was probably being harassed by one of those anti-bullying campaigns and needed the gun for his own protection.

  • rambone

    No fatalities? Sounds like someone needs more time at the shooting range before nap time!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ding ding ding! The NRA finally has a winner! They will soon announce that this year's NRA convention will be held in Houston.

  • GuanoFaucet

    I see a hoveround in that kid's future.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    You guys are all acting like this is a BAD thing. Would have been much worse for the kid if he'd brought one of those damn Teletubbies to school (esp. the one that carries a purse).

  • Mumbletypeg

    "Me learn lots in school today Mumma. Today we gots readin, rhymin' and riddle'd with bullets."

  • hagajim

    Kid went apeshit for Waco…and McVeigh.

  • PabaBritannica

    Jesus Christ. It's hitting me now. As someone who's wife was on campus at the time of the Virginia Tech shooting, I can only conclude that the month of April MUST be cancelled starting next year. Fuck an Easter.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Don't you know that any kind of 'perceived whine,' especially from victims and the traumatized are no longer tolerable amongst the Tea Party nation?

      Glad your spouse wasn't hurt. Sorry that these instances only reinforce Second Amendment vitriol.

      • Redhead

        no longer tolerable… unless it's the teabaggers themselves whining about how the gubmint needs to get out of their medicaid and no moar taxes/socialism and provide more public transportation for me and my scooter!

        But yeah, if you were actually hurt or traumatized by a gun/instance of violence, stfu, you're ruining their fantasy world with your logic, man.

  • fuflans

    to be fair, you never know when someone might raise your taxes in kindergarten.

  • Blendergoathead

    And *some* people are saying education in Texas is substandard? When I was in kindergarten, we couldn't even spell the word "Constitution," much less exercise any of our rights granted by it.

    +1, Texas!

  • http://eldonaldo.com el_donaldo

    New math Texas style: "Did he fire five times or was it six. You gotta ask yourself, do I feel lucky?"

  • Radio_Level_7

    At least no fetuses were hurt.
    Now, Let's all clutch a Bible and say a prayer to Jeebus.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledfetus

      It was reported that the five-year-old girl was three months pregnant.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    When I wuz a kid the worst thing that happened to kindergarteners was one getting their tongue frozen the bar of the jungle gym at the encouragement of a 1st grader. The school nurse would pour on warm water to free the tongue, while the principal applied thumb screws to the closest 1st or 2nd graders to get them to give-up the perp. Happened every damn year in grade school – it obviously was some kinda oral tradition passed on through the years.

    ♪♫ Happiness is a warm tongue, bang, bang, shoot, shoot ♫♪

  • WinterOuthouse

    So what if this kid was packin' heat in the cafeteria. He was just so pissed off because our FLOTUS took away his Tatertotz and Fried Burritos and Ketchup and cool snack pack puddin' cups and cookies and PB&Js. It is the First Lady's fault!

    Ketchup Libel!

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    If those other two kids were packing, this would never have happened.

  • LabRodent

    I think a certain Bully will be thanking his lucky stars tonight. Sleep tight Butch who ever you are.

  • PabaBritannica

    Where's John Derbyshire to tell us about how kids such as these should be trained to be able to count the time between loads and rush the kid?

  • WhatTheHeck

    The little darling will become a hero to the Tea Partiers.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Presidential nominee in 2040? Let's see, I'd be 92, so likely I'll be lucky enough to miss that.

  • Gopherit

    There are twice as many guns as people in Texas. My question is, where's his other gun?

    • emmelemm

      Left sock.

    • Steverino247

      In his pants if certain basic training songs regarding weapons are to be believed.

  • pinkocommi

    Yes, but what color were his TOENAILS?!

    Maybe if they were hot pink, this tragedy would not have happened.

    • GuanoFaucet

      Camo.

    • Gopherit

      red, with the blood of his enemies/classmates.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    This is just how they celebrate Easter in Texas.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Praise the Lord and Pass the Smith & Wesson.

  • qwerty42

    Well, what if the terrists attacked? Muslin, nazi, atheistic, homosexualist, soshulistical terrists? Huh? What then? Well, let me tell you, he'd be ready.

  • SorosBot

    Don't worry, our glorious media will find a way to blame this on video games or Justin Beiber music and ignore the issue of gun control entirely.

    • HistoriCat

      If he had controlled his gun this would not have happened!

  • emmelemm

    Yeah, that was my thought. Somehow this could be spun as, "If only there was more money for gun education, the kid wouldn't have unsafely had it in his *pocket*, where it could fall out…"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Pappy can't afford to get Junior a holster till he sells his next batch of food stamps.

  • fartknocker

    Every morning at the breakfast table I'm sure dad tells his kids "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition."

  • baconzgood

    If you take away gun laws only little kids will have them.

    • bflrtsplk

      If you outlaw guns for kindergartners, only outlaw kindergartners will have guns.

  • Callyson

    a six-year-old kindergartner’s loaded gun fell out of his pocket
    NRA official statement:
    Whoever gave the kid a gun should have gotten him a holster as well…

    • Radio_Level_7

      And they sent the kid an Eddie the Eagle VHS too.

  • poncho_pilot

    in the little urchin's defense, he might have to protect himself from preachers parked in vans "pissing in bottles" if you know what i mean.

  • arihaya

    this won't happen without Michele Obama anti-child obesity campaign

  • DashboardBuddha

    Here's a non-snark question: A few years ago, a child of similar age was suspended (forget where) for "pointing" a gun shaped chicken nugget at another child. What will be the punishment for this youngster?

    • poncho_pilot

      one of the Republican hopefuls probably needs a campaign manager.

  • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Hey, at least Tejas protects its school children from the really serious threats, like a teacher showing them how to put a condom on a banana, or teaching them about evolution.

    • poncho_pilot

      or why they really fought at the Alamo.

      • Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

        [Hint: it involves aliens and the ghost of Frederick Barbarossa.]

      • BaldarTFlagass

        As a San Antonio resident lo these last 35 years, I can let you know that the only reason the white guys at the Alamo almost beat the Mexican Army is that the white guys had guns and knives, while the Mexicans were armed solely with sticks and pine cones.

        • poncho_pilot

          the Mexicans were also armed with not supporting slavery. don't forget that.

  • baconzgood

    Reason 1,259 why I don't like Tex-ass.

  • prommie

    This is all the fault of the anti-gun fascists who try to take the guns from our cold dead hands. If all the kids had guns, noone would ever drop their gun, because they'd know everyone else would shoot them.

  • Velocifaptor

    Daddy's little dead-eye!

    • emmelemm

      Excellent handle (aka username)!

      ETA: I'm referring to Velocifaptor, although "Daddy's little dead-eye" would be a cool username as well. (Too long though.)

  • BornInATrailer

    Had the children recently used Arts & Crafts time on a mural involving surveyor sights?

  • EdFlintstone

    Trade ya my Glock for your gummy bears.

    • emmelemm

      It's like that stupid fucking Subway commercial. Today we are all whiny 5-year-olds with guns.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/ Chet Kincaid

        (cocking pistol) Do you wanna be my girlfriend?

  • Trannysurprise

    This is what happens when you paint their toenails pink. Fair warning J Crew – you mess with a kids gender identity they can lay some pistola on your ass in the lunchroom.

    Your move LL Bean.

  • bumfug

    Well if the other two kids didn't have surveyors' symbols on their shirts this never would have happened.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    The only crime I see here is this kid's total disrespect of our national symbol of freedom. This kid dropped his handgun on the ground! Who does that? What kind of a little monster is he?

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Now I want you boys to apologize to this handgun.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Xe has child soldiers now?

  • notreelyhelping

    Reality overtakes snark and busts a cap in its ass.

  • DahBoner

    Which well-regulated militia did this young freedom-loving patriot belong to?

  • BZ1

    Holders of concealed Texas handgun permits are currently not allowed to carry their weapons into places that serve alcohol, sporting events, hospitals or churches. Aha, they didn't mention schools…

  • owhatever

    You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold, dead, jelly sticky fingers.

  • Terry

    Variations on this theme happen more than you are aware in Texas. I used to live in the greater Houston area and recall one summer, might have been 1993, in which there was an instance of a child shooting him/herself or a playmate every week for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks…..

    Have you guns. Enjoy hunting. Enjoy target shooting. Enjoy cleaning and polishing them up. Just when you are done, lock the goddamn things up away from the kids.

    • GOPCrusher

      How else are we going to pass along our national heritage, if the children aren't allowed to play with our guns?

  • Warpde

    Nothing say's love more then giving your child a loaded .44. Awwwww. So sweet.
    Anyone remember this. http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=6121915&amp

    • GOPCrusher

      Didn't that turn out that the "licensed" firearm instructor was actually a 15 year old that was working the booth at the time?

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    How did the teacher fail to notice that this kid was packing heat? Did she think he was just happy to see her?

  • AngryGeometer

    This sort of event is great for the child-size bullet-proof vest industry. Typical leftist anti-free market claptrap.

    This is a good argument for home schooling, though: kids should get both taught and accidentally shot in the traditional setting: at home, by somebody related to them.

  • Redhead

    Whoa whoa whoa. Arizona was RIGHT about something? Arizona turns down a bill allowing guns on campus, and then a kid shoots himself and a couple kids the same day? You mean allowing guns in schools is a BAD idea (like the Federal government has legislated?) But… but… but Arizona is RIGHT? My brain is exploding now.

  • Beowoof

    One arrest for driving through Texas with New York plates and I vowed to never go back. The more news that comes out of Texas the more excellent that decision gets.

    • comrad_darkness

      Been there. Don't drive through Texas or Kansas with NY plates and a CB radio on. Then you get to listen to every jackoff asshole, in person.

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Hit me with your best shot, and FIRE AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

  • MinAgain

    Since this is America we're talking about, some people are gonna get sued. But it won't be the right people, I can guaran-damn-tee that.

  • Ducksworthy

    As I said earlier, kindergartners need to have access to Claymore mines. We may lose a few at first but the rest will learn the meaning of "Point this side toward enemy."

  • mavenmaven

    Total fail, the kid didn't kill anyone, his parents are going to give him a spanking for poor marksmanship.

  • Ducksworthy

    BTW. The Florida legislature is working on fines for any physician who might suggest that leaving a loaded handgun on little Tommy's bed might be bad for his health.

  • pdiddycornchips

    No snark but imagine the sh*t we would hear if this was a young brother in Newark instead of a little white boy in Texas?

  • Radio_Level_7

    Hey, c'mon cut the kid a break. Surveying is a hard subject for tots.

  • Mahousu

    Don't {learn to) read; reload!

  • GOPCrusher

    Gun control means not letting it fall out of your pocket.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Load up on guns and bring wing your friends!

  • Guppy06

    My child is a distinguished marksman at Forrest Elementary!

  • Guppy06

    So… any chance the state will place the kid in foster care?

    Oh, right. Texas.

  • VinnyThePooh

    At least he didn't shoot his eye out.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Eerily enough, I was just playing the new Mortal Kombat. Number of kids (or adults!) who can pull out a man's still-beating heart — 0. Number of kids who can fire a gun — too damn many. Guess which is considered a threat to minors?

  • rocktonsam

    This kid/Trig 2032

  • NotMother

    The E-Trade baby gets his first margin call.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    I thought they fought Ozzy because he pissed on their wall?

  • chascates

    Thank God he didn't bring fingernail clippers to school. He'd do 2 months in an alternative school for that.

  • ShaveTheWhales

    There are several fine snarks on this thread. I cannot contribute. I find this story entirely depressing. Not because of the kid — kids are always fascinated by guns. But this kid's parent(s) and/or guardian(s) let a six-year-old obtain a loaded handgun and take it to school (assuming they didn't sent it with him on purpose).

    We really aren't a very intelligent species.

  • Negropolis

    Texas really is just a more humid and sticky Yemen, right?

  • Negropolis

    I'm pretty sure this happened in an inner-city Houston school. It's most likely the kid is black (or hispanic), and the reaction will turn from concern and shock to "he's a little thug, anyway."

    What a country. God bless America.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I'll bet you Neilist is one proud papa tonight.

    • OhNoGuy

      Shot himself AND two others? Doesn't this make him an "Honorary Texas Ranger" ?