kindergarten and cops

Texas Kindergartner Exercising 2nd Amendment Rights At School Hurts 3

Looks good. Send him over to Libya.The great thing about writing over-the-top joke exaggerations about America is that often they come true! For example, just this morning we were sarcastically criticizing Jan Brewer for failing to extend gun rights to kindergartners who need to open fire on their classmates. Then, about an hour and half after we posted that, a six-year-old kindergartner’s loaded gun fell out of his pocket in the school cafeteria and fired, injuring himself and two other children, one of them also six and the other five years old. Since this is Texas we’re talking about, where they actually RESPECT the Second Amendment, we presume a parade will be held in honor of this young patriot listening to the Constitution and doing as it says. As soon as he (and whatever kids survive) get out of the hospital.

All three children were put on stretchers and taken to ambulances, to be checked out at a hospital. The students were sitting up and appeared to be talking with emergency personnel as they were wheeled away.

Upset parents rushed to the school, where yellow crime scene tape was strung and more than a dozen Houston police and district patrol cars were parked outside as officers investigated where the boy got the gun.

Where the boy got the gun? The boy got the gun from GOD HIMSELF, through His pals the Founding Fathers, who enshrined Cool Pew-Pew Sounds in our Law. Why is big government stepping in to “investigate” and trying to leave a chilling effect on this six-year-old’s gun purchases? Is he not a citizen? Could he not use that gun one day if he forms a well-regulated Militia? That’s all you need to know. Case closed. It’s called “the Second Amendment,” idiots.

We thought in Texas every kid’s best friend is a gun. Who was this boy supposed to be friends with, other boys? That sounds like a violation of the state’s strict no-homo laws. [AP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. DashboardBuddha

      I'm thinking a marketing link between the Darwin Awards and the NRA would be effective.

    2. SorosBot

      Just imagine if this kid's parents had been proud home scholers; then maybe someone deserving could have been shot instead two random other kids.

      1. GOPCrusher

        Bah! The other two kids that were injured just showed proper control of their firearms by having them holstered.

    3. Swampgas_Man

      I'm thinking vasectomy.

      But who are we to snark at this time of highly predictable tragedy?

  1. finallyhappy

    Now if every other 6 old had a gun in that classrom- one of them could have returned fire- more guns in the classroom could have prevented this tragedy.

    1. natoslug

      Just don't arm the teachers or cafeteria workers — they're probably unionized socialists, intent on overthrowing god with all that larnin'. Oh, HA-HA, this is Texas, not America. Carry on, then.

  2. Steverino247

    Let me just say that I'm glad my grandchildren are on Spring Break right now and that I no longer live in Texas.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Further proof, that more pre-school firearm safety classes are necessary. But not government funded, let Colt or Smith & Wesson fund these courses.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Meanwhile, his dad was accosted by muggers and drew down on them with a cap pistol. Little mixup at the breakfast table this morning.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      There is nothing funny about this situation.

      Aww fuck it…yeah there is. I LMAO at this comment.

  4. PabaBritannica

    Obviously this kid was raised on the special Marilyn Manson Edition of Baby Einstein.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    The kid was probably being harassed by one of those anti-bullying campaigns and needed the gun for his own protection.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Ding ding ding! The NRA finally has a winner! They will soon announce that this year's NRA convention will be held in Houston.

  7. Texan_Bulldog

    You guys are all acting like this is a BAD thing. Would have been much worse for the kid if he'd brought one of those damn Teletubbies to school (esp. the one that carries a purse).

  8. Mumbletypeg

    "Me learn lots in school today Mumma. Today we gots readin, rhymin' and riddle'd with bullets."

  9. PabaBritannica

    Jesus Christ. It's hitting me now. As someone who's wife was on campus at the time of the Virginia Tech shooting, I can only conclude that the month of April MUST be cancelled starting next year. Fuck an Easter.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Don't you know that any kind of 'perceived whine,' especially from victims and the traumatized are no longer tolerable amongst the Tea Party nation?

      Glad your spouse wasn't hurt. Sorry that these instances only reinforce Second Amendment vitriol.

      1. Redhead

        no longer tolerable… unless it's the teabaggers themselves whining about how the gubmint needs to get out of their medicaid and no moar taxes/socialism and provide more public transportation for me and my scooter!

        But yeah, if you were actually hurt or traumatized by a gun/instance of violence, stfu, you're ruining their fantasy world with your logic, man.

  10. Blendergoathead

    And *some* people are saying education in Texas is substandard? When I was in kindergarten, we couldn't even spell the word "Constitution," much less exercise any of our rights granted by it.

    +1, Texas!

  11. Radio_Level_7

    At least no fetuses were hurt.
    Now, Let's all clutch a Bible and say a prayer to Jeebus.

  12. weejee

    When I wuz a kid the worst thing that happened to kindergarteners was one getting their tongue frozen the bar of the jungle gym at the encouragement of a 1st grader. The school nurse would pour on warm water to free the tongue, while the principal applied thumb screws to the closest 1st or 2nd graders to get them to give-up the perp. Happened every damn year in grade school – it obviously was some kinda oral tradition passed on through the years.

    ♪♫ Happiness is a warm tongue, bang, bang, shoot, shoot ♫♪

  13. WinterOuthouse

    So what if this kid was packin' heat in the cafeteria. He was just so pissed off because our FLOTUS took away his Tatertotz and Fried Burritos and Ketchup and cool snack pack puddin' cups and cookies and PB&Js. It is the First Lady's fault!

    Ketchup Libel!

  14. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    If those other two kids were packing, this would never have happened.

  15. LabRodent

    I think a certain Bully will be thanking his lucky stars tonight. Sleep tight Butch who ever you are.

  16. PabaBritannica

    Where's John Derbyshire to tell us about how kids such as these should be trained to be able to count the time between loads and rush the kid?

  17. pinkocommi

    Yes, but what color were his TOENAILS?!

    Maybe if they were hot pink, this tragedy would not have happened.

  18. qwerty42

    Well, what if the terrists attacked? Muslin, nazi, atheistic, homosexualist, soshulistical terrists? Huh? What then? Well, let me tell you, he'd be ready.

  19. SorosBot

    Don't worry, our glorious media will find a way to blame this on video games or Justin Beiber music and ignore the issue of gun control entirely.

  20. emmelemm

    Yeah, that was my thought. Somehow this could be spun as, "If only there was more money for gun education, the kid wouldn't have unsafely had it in his *pocket*, where it could fall out…"

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Pappy can't afford to get Junior a holster till he sells his next batch of food stamps.

  21. fartknocker

    Every morning at the breakfast table I'm sure dad tells his kids "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition."

  22. Callyson

    a six-year-old kindergartner’s loaded gun fell out of his pocket
    NRA official statement:
    Whoever gave the kid a gun should have gotten him a holster as well…

  23. poncho_pilot

    in the little urchin's defense, he might have to protect himself from preachers parked in vans "pissing in bottles" if you know what i mean.

  24. DashboardBuddha

    Here's a non-snark question: A few years ago, a child of similar age was suspended (forget where) for "pointing" a gun shaped chicken nugget at another child. What will be the punishment for this youngster?

  25. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    Hey, at least Tejas protects its school children from the really serious threats, like a teacher showing them how to put a condom on a banana, or teaching them about evolution.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        As a San Antonio resident lo these last 35 years, I can let you know that the only reason the white guys at the Alamo almost beat the Mexican Army is that the white guys had guns and knives, while the Mexicans were armed solely with sticks and pine cones.

  26. prommie

    This is all the fault of the anti-gun fascists who try to take the guns from our cold dead hands. If all the kids had guns, noone would ever drop their gun, because they'd know everyone else would shoot them.

    1. emmelemm

      Excellent handle (aka username)!

      ETA: I'm referring to Velocifaptor, although "Daddy's little dead-eye" would be a cool username as well. (Too long though.)

  27. BornInATrailer

    Had the children recently used Arts & Crafts time on a mural involving surveyor sights?

    1. emmelemm

      It's like that stupid fucking Subway commercial. Today we are all whiny 5-year-olds with guns.

  28. Trannysurprise

    This is what happens when you paint their toenails pink. Fair warning J Crew – you mess with a kids gender identity they can lay some pistola on your ass in the lunchroom.

    Your move LL Bean.

  29. bumfug

    Well if the other two kids didn't have surveyors' symbols on their shirts this never would have happened.

  30. DerrickWildcat

    The only crime I see here is this kid's total disrespect of our national symbol of freedom. This kid dropped his handgun on the ground! Who does that? What kind of a little monster is he?

  31. BZ1

    Holders of concealed Texas handgun permits are currently not allowed to carry their weapons into places that serve alcohol, sporting events, hospitals or churches. Aha, they didn't mention schools…

  32. Terry

    Variations on this theme happen more than you are aware in Texas. I used to live in the greater Houston area and recall one summer, might have been 1993, in which there was an instance of a child shooting him/herself or a playmate every week for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks…..

    Have you guns. Enjoy hunting. Enjoy target shooting. Enjoy cleaning and polishing them up. Just when you are done, lock the goddamn things up away from the kids.

    1. GOPCrusher

      How else are we going to pass along our national heritage, if the children aren't allowed to play with our guns?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Didn't that turn out that the "licensed" firearm instructor was actually a 15 year old that was working the booth at the time?

  33. AngryGeometer

    This sort of event is great for the child-size bullet-proof vest industry. Typical leftist anti-free market claptrap.

    This is a good argument for home schooling, though: kids should get both taught and accidentally shot in the traditional setting: at home, by somebody related to them.

  34. Redhead

    Whoa whoa whoa. Arizona was RIGHT about something? Arizona turns down a bill allowing guns on campus, and then a kid shoots himself and a couple kids the same day? You mean allowing guns in schools is a BAD idea (like the Federal government has legislated?) But… but… but Arizona is RIGHT? My brain is exploding now.

  35. Beowoof

    One arrest for driving through Texas with New York plates and I vowed to never go back. The more news that comes out of Texas the more excellent that decision gets.

    1. comrad_darkness

      Been there. Don't drive through Texas or Kansas with NY plates and a CB radio on. Then you get to listen to every jackoff asshole, in person.

  36. MinAgain

    Since this is America we're talking about, some people are gonna get sued. But it won't be the right people, I can guaran-damn-tee that.

  37. Ducksworthy

    As I said earlier, kindergartners need to have access to Claymore mines. We may lose a few at first but the rest will learn the meaning of "Point this side toward enemy."

  38. mavenmaven

    Total fail, the kid didn't kill anyone, his parents are going to give him a spanking for poor marksmanship.

  39. Ducksworthy

    BTW. The Florida legislature is working on fines for any physician who might suggest that leaving a loaded handgun on little Tommy's bed might be bad for his health.

  40. pdiddycornchips

    No snark but imagine the sh*t we would hear if this was a young brother in Newark instead of a little white boy in Texas?

  41. Swampgas_Man

    Eerily enough, I was just playing the new Mortal Kombat. Number of kids (or adults!) who can pull out a man's still-beating heart — 0. Number of kids who can fire a gun — too damn many. Guess which is considered a threat to minors?

  42. chascates

    Thank God he didn't bring fingernail clippers to school. He'd do 2 months in an alternative school for that.

  43. ShaveTheWhales

    There are several fine snarks on this thread. I cannot contribute. I find this story entirely depressing. Not because of the kid — kids are always fascinated by guns. But this kid's parent(s) and/or guardian(s) let a six-year-old obtain a loaded handgun and take it to school (assuming they didn't sent it with him on purpose).

    We really aren't a very intelligent species.

  44. Negropolis

    I'm pretty sure this happened in an inner-city Houston school. It's most likely the kid is black (or hispanic), and the reaction will turn from concern and shock to "he's a little thug, anyway."

    What a country. God bless America.

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