Why is April such a mean girl?On this day many awful years ago, Bill Clinton’s government bulldozed and burnt down a rural house full of children and their moms. Why? Eh, who knows. Every couple of years the U.S. government needs to randomly massacre a bunch of its citizens just to keep everybody else in line. (Honestly, if you believe the half-assed Janet Reno explanation that the Branch Davidians’ group house full of people was battle-rammed and set on fire and bulldozed by tanks because some people had guns in Texas, then you really haven’t been paying attention to America.) BUT WAIT, also on this day — exactly two years later, on April 19, 1995 — a U.S. Army veteran awarded a bronze star in the first U.S. war against Iraq detonated a massive bomb outside the federal government’s regional headquarters in Oklahoma City. The blast killed 168 people, including little children at the building’s government-provided daycare center. CNN is super-confused about this coincidence.

CNN asks, “What is it about mid-April and violence in America?” Because obviously, this is the month of April’s fault. Next time the government decides to murder a bunch of weirdos for being in a dumb religion — and how did they narrow that down? — CNN would prefer the siege take place in another month. May, perhaps. That should slow the rush for “May Weddings,” right?

Anyway, CNN people, here is the answer to your riddle: The bombing of the Murrah Building in Oklahoma was McVeigh’s savage retaliation for the Waco massacre. So it’s not totally April the Month’s fault.

But what about other things April did to America, like make those Columbine killers go nutso on 420 day? That is either the fault of Marijuana (“420 day”) or Hitler. Hitler’s birthday was, coincidentally, on “420 day.”

Here are some American massacres that did not take place in April:

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