start up the '2016' tag

Rand Paul Already Filing For Re-Election

Don’t try to schedule any dinner plans a half decade from now with Rand Paul. He’s already booked.

U.S. Sen. Rand Paul has already filed to seek re-election to the U.S. Senate in 2016.

The Kentucky Republican who has been talking about possibly running for president next year filed a statement of candidacy to run for a second term in the Senate on March 21, some three months after taking office.

Will he be a member of the Chinese Communist Party, or will he run on the Dog-Robot Alliance ticket? There’s no way there’s still a Republican Party that far in the future. [AP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. DashboardBuddha

      Knowing that Martha was involved in creating something that needs to be led around on a leash makes uncomfortable in ways that are hard to describe.

  1. Steverino247

    Well, since he represents the interests of dog fuckers, I'm guessing the party name will involve dogs in some capacity.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      It's Kentucky and animal-fucking is a BIG TENT. He also represents pig fuckers, turtle fuckers (it's how Mitchy gets laid) and of course, sheep and cow fuckers. Because Rand has a dead squirrel on top of his head, they know he's one of them and is unbeatable in Kentucky…

  2. nounverb911

    Isn't the world scheduled to end May 21st anyway? So who cares? We have other things to worry about.

    1. DarkStar_88

      It takes an extreme act of self-control for me not to beat those dolts in the face with a Bible.

  3. KeepFnThatChicken

    Guess that means Ron's running again, since this (hopefully) cinches Rand's hand in the Senate. I mean, seriously… we don't need two candidates who only served two years as a junior Senator.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    When is the other Kentucky Senate seat become available? Maybe he could run for that seat too and then he'd be both senators from Kentucky.

  5. freakishlywrong

    Well shit. For fuckers who hate the Gubbmint so much, they're sure eager little fuckers to get back on the gravy train…wooowhooooo!! All aboard!

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Oh, he's just getting this little bit of paperwork out of the way because he'll be spending the next five years diligently resegregating the Woolworth's lunch counters.

  7. chascates

    If his dad wins the White House he could be appointed to the Supreme Court. Or made Surgeon General. Or Minister of Ideas.

  8. SmutBoffin

    Use to be, he could spout his Ayn Rand bullshit at his patients, helpless in the chair while he operates on their eyballs. Now, he has an entire nation captive and he likes it!

    Rand Paulz 20twelve and 4-EVA!

    1. freakishlywrong

      Ugh. He's so creepy. That sing song voice and beady, vacant stare. "I'm here♫ to take back your ♪ glasses". And pay that bill! One of his supporters will curb stomp you if not.

  9. Gopherit

    Like there will be a functional republic in 5 more years. You know you want to go to Galt's Gulch, Rand. Admit it.

  10. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Interesting how all of these people who hate government so much are so happy to take a pay check from it.

    Aqua Buddha works in mysterious ways.

          1. poncho_pilot

            the dog remains caught up in delusion false premises and continues to suffer in the karmically free market conditioned round of rebirth looting.

  11. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    …the Dog-Robot Alliance ticket…

    Re-elect Bo as first Dog! Twenty-eight more years!

      1. Extemporanus

        You'd probably like that comment even more had I caught the fact that my iPad's frakkin' autocorrect frakked-up the spelling of Boxey Santorum's frakkin' daggit.

  12. Callyson

    or will he run on the Dog-Robot Alliance ticket?
    My dog would like you to know that this idea (Paul on that ticket, not the alliance) offends him greatly and he will sic Randy if he tries it.

  13. KenLayIsAlive

    "There’s no way there’s still a Republican Party that far in the future."

    Shit. The way we're going there won't be anything but a republican party by then.

  14. MinAgain

    There’s no way there’s still a Republican Party that far in the future.

    From your mouth to God's ear.

  15. weejee

    Well the Senate is an institution and Paul is committed. But used to be that nutz like Rand were committed involuntarily by others and to a different institution.

  16. SkinnyNerd

    Here's Rand's leaked campaign ad:

    Doesn't believe in Mayan calendar
    Worships the Aqua Buddha
    True American
    Vote Paul 2016

  17. WinterOuthouse

    Them there papers musta be perdy hard fer 'em to red and reyet. The boy gotta bee takin' hess tahme to git it reyet. Hims boarrrrd gotta check his lernin'.

  18. mavenmaven

    Sheesh, those downfisters keep coming through this page, again and again. Is the downfister Rand Paul's mother?

  19. ttommyunger

    Cut him some slack! I'd prolly do the same thing for fear of forgetting about it. 'Course, I'm fucking SEVENTY! What's his excuse?

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