Bobby Jindal To the Rescue: He Will Sign Birther Legislation

  moonshine-drinking contest

If that's what the trusted advisor in the overalls says to do...A suddenly brown-looking Jan Brewer may devastated a hopeful nation by vetoing presidential birth-certificate legislation, but don’t lose hope that a deeply conservative state Barack Obama has no chance of winning will try to keep him off the ballot in 2012. Pro-volcano-destruction activist Bobby Jindal is stepping up. “It’s not part of our package, but if the Legislature passes it we’ll sign it,” Jindal’s press secretary said of Louisiana House Bill 561, which would require presidential candidates to provide an “original or certified copy of the candidate’s birth certificate” and a “sworn statement or form that identifies the candidate’s places of residence for the preceding fourteen years.” Because Obama was born in Kenya and rented an apartment on one of the moons of Jupiter for eight months in 1999.

He said he has no reason to doubt Obama’s citizenship. “I don’t purport to be a ‘birther,’” [bill author Rep. Alan] Seabaugh said. “This is from the standpoint of cleaning up an area of the law where there appears to be a gap.”

Stop being so modest! You can call yourself a birther, sir. You’ve earned it. We’d even go so far as to knight you! “Grand Knight of the Birthers” sounds like a fitting title to us.

Obviously, disqualifying Obama will be the perfect opportunity for lil’ Jindal to jump into the presidential race. And once he teams up with those thug volcano friends of his, there won’t be another candidate alive to challenge him. [NOLA.com]

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111 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    I'll be happy when they get all these silly little things out of the way and then they can start working on what should have been the #1 priority all along: JOBS!

    1. hooray4anything

      They are– I hear private investigators in Hawaii are doing really well these days trying to dig up birth certificates.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        If the Louisiana law includes a bris substitution, we'll call it "Bread & Circumcisions".

    1. kissawookiee

      No, no, that will be the residents of the Pacific Northwest when Mt. Rainier finally blows. Not that, uh, they'll find out about it beforehand, which I suppose is probably the point.

    1. finallyhappy

      Amazing how this very important issue was ignored until there was a black guy in the White House.

  2. donner_froh

    "cleaning up an area of the law where there appears to be a gap.”

    Like the gap that appears between the two teeth you still have when you open your mouth to say something stupid which is all the time?

    Cracker fuckwit.

  3. CliveWarren

    "Because Obama was born in Kenya and rented an apartment on one of the moons of Jupiter for eight months in 1999"

    Let me guess… Europa, right? Fecking socialist…

  4. Frost/Nixon/Robocop

    Where's Bobby Jindal's birth certificate? He's too dark to be legitimately American right? Oh wait, there's an R next to his name so that makes him a real American.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Let's be honest here, Bobby. When it gets right down to the nut-cuttin', you're simply going to be too brown for the rest of your party, birth certificate or none.

    1. ttommyunger

      Took the thought right out of my mind, Baldar. Who the fuck does he think he is kidding, besides himself?

  6. arihaya

    Jindal has a birth certificate so he doesn't afraid with that bill

    written in Hindustani, but still a birth certificate

    1. mrpuma2u

      We bow to the petty bullshit within you, Bobby. Too chickenshit to come out and say he's an afterbirther, while pandering to them at the same time. Pathetic.

  7. V572..whatever

    And the Jindal-for-President juggernaut (a Hindi term, after all) moves another step closer to the White House.

  8. Gopherit

    You go, Bobby! You show that liberal commie whore Jan Brewer what a REAL GOP governor is made of.

    Just curious. Has anyone seen Bobby's birth certificate? He seems a little ….. curry….. to be a Louisiana native.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    A certified copy? So if President Obama gave them the copy he's had online for years plus a notarized list of where he's lived since 1997, he'd be compliant. And then Bobby "Not My Original Name" Jindal would basically be on record saying he believes President Obama was born in Hawaii? Birthers betrayed by another anchor baby!

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      As I read it:

      1. Certified copy, yuppers. It appears that (unlike the AZ bill) this doesn't violate Article IV by trying to tell Hawaii what must be on Hawaiian birth certs.

      2. I suppose that the 14-year residency thing might stand up. It is a requirement, after all, although the Constitution doesn't actually say that it has to have been the most recent fourteen years, or that the fourteen years have to be continuous.

      BTW, I've always assumed that the principal intent of the 14-year rule was to delay the candidacy of anyone who had immigrated after the War, at least until that person had been a citizen for as long as the Framers. The whole section isn't the best-written part of the Constitution — "natural-born" isn't defined, and the grandfather clause — "or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of
      the Adoption of this Constitution" — is at least imprecise, in that one could argue that there were no citizens of the United States prior to the adoption of the Constitution. Of course, one could also argue the other way. For that matter, at the time of drafting the Constitution, there was no one who had been "fourteen Years a Resident within the United States".

      I don't know if the 14-year residency requirement was intended to be permanent, or if it was just part of the bootstrapping needed to ensure that somebody could run for President.

      Hmm. Drunk already. Sorry.

    1. Barbara_i

      The guy in the baseball cap is thinking, "dang, this is better than when my wife appeared on Action News, describing what the tornado sounded like as it ripped through the mobile home park." Um, let me guess? Sounded like a freight train?

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      "Why ain't this guy behind the counter at the Kwik-E-Mart talkin' on his cell phone lahk ever' other Injun feller I ever met?"

    3. Texan_Bulldog

      "This dude sure is brown but he ain't one of them colored folks–hair's too straight. Imma pretty sure I don't like his kind but there's a lot of cameras here."

  10. Lucidamente1

    Those oil-stopping berms were such a big success; it's obviously gone to Jindal's head.

  11. sezme

    Let's see…
    Jindal signs a law making it illegal for brown people to run for President.
    Then he runs for President himself.
    With a plan like that, the guy can't lose!

  12. Oblios_Cap

    Jindal makes Pawlenty seem almost energized. I guess Bobby's the actuary and Tim's the accountant.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      You do know that an accountant looks at your shoes when he's talking to you and that's how you tell them apart?

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Should he run, I wonder if the Foxers will insist on using his birth name of Piyush Amrit Jindal with the same gusto with which they continued to repeat Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

  14. DaSandman

    Greasy Bobby isn't fit to be a crossing guard outside the offices of the Koch Foundation, let alone be president. And Bobby, guess what? When your Repugs country club chums call you and Nikki "swarthy" or "dusky", they mean "nigger"

    I'm just saying man…

  15. Dudleydidwrong

    Parents born, where?, Punjab? Isn't that over north of Duson, west of Carencro? Jindal's parents must have been coonasses for soooo long that those brown waters of the Achafalaya and the hot sun have done a real job on turning his skin from lucious white to brackish-brownish-color. Just love those Punjabi mud bugs. Trump/Jindal 2012

  16. Schmannnity

    From the state where an official state record of live birth is not good enough but a diaper wearing, prostitute frequenting U.S. Senator is. No wonder the curbs in New Orleans are filled with vomit.

  17. MildMidwesterner

    A grand night does not end in a birth. It ends with an awkward conversation and half-hearted breakfast date.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    Don't know why they call these folks "coon-ass," with the implied racial epithet, when a simple "dumb-ass" will do.

  19. KeepFnThatChicken

    For all this talk about a birth certificate, you would think these people are concerned that Obama was hatched.

  20. OneYieldRegular

    Can you people please stop interrupting me with all your birther issues? I'm trying to watch "Rosemary's Baby."

  21. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Thank God someone is doing something about this issue. Ever since they let that damn Chinaman Reagan get elected, we have needed something like this.

  22. hagajim

    Please to be screwing you Mr. Preznit….says the Indian fucking governor of the most currupt shithole in America! Good work Bobby….or is it Shiva?

  23. Eve8Apples

    Will this law require the candidate to show his schlong to Jindal? And if so, will Bobby show his appreciation by tossing the candidate some beads and coins?

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      1. Having been the occasional oppressee of HOA's in the past, I don't see this as such a problem. If it's really offensive to the neighbors, someone will cut down the flagpole.

      2. Until it was co-opted by the teabaggers, the Gadsden flag always seemed to me to be pretty cool, as a battle flag. It's way too cartoonish for an actual national flag, but it still has some historical interest.

      3. One wonders how long a visually equivalent "Don't Teabag On Me" flag might fly until someone noticed the difference. And how the affected HOA might respond. I'm a sucker for cheap entertainment.

  24. horsedreamer_1

    Since he's all but declared for Presidential nomination, Christina is already readying her challenge to unfair use for when Bobby chooses "Jindal in a Bottle" as his campaign theme.

  25. tcaalaw

    That post deserves some sort of award for cramming the most varied political references into two sentences.

  26. chicken_thief

    I don't give a shit what Mr. Hindu is willing to sign – it'll be another 100 yrs before he lives down that SOTU response from his foyer with his freakin Adam's apple bobbing away in the neck of that shirt like a pea in the ocean. Stay away from the cameras Piyush – they aren't your friends….

  27. Guppy06

    American intelligence was already suspect when they continued giving a damn about the pronouncements of a rating agency that handed out AAA ratings to mortgage-backed securities.

  28. comrad_darkness

    Piyush means Drink of the Gods
    and Amrit means Immortal

    I hate to admit it, but this really fits New Orleans.

  29. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, I just want a DNA test on Jindal, just to make sure he's a Real (TM) American…

  30. metamarcisf

    In a so-called "state" which ranks last in every category except those in which their inbred cousin, Mississippi dominates, Gov. Jindal has prioritized the issues according to his eminent judgment. The beaches may still be fucked, the City of New Orleans scares away all but the Chinese with the crime rate and Saints are doomed to the second division but at least the State presidential ballot won't contain anyone of democrat descent next year. Fuck you, Mr & Mrs Jindal

  31. lochnessmonster

    I thought these were all strict Constituionists. Why would they ever want to change that? Before you know it, no one will be qualified to be president.

  32. grigoritheocto

    Ohmygodjesuschrist! How the fuck does there "appear to be a gap?" Seriously?! Is it actually humanly possible for someone that is foreign born to be elected? I mean, come on. We're talking about one of the most powerful governments in the world. With all of the other conspiracies that people believe the US government is capable of pulling off, do people really think that they wouldn't know if the President faked his fucking birth certificate?

    I want so badly for this legislation to pass so that team Obama can say, "Okay," and then hand them the same goddamned copy of the birth certificate that's been available since 1734 on the Internet. Fuck!

  33. grigoritheocto

    Ohmygodjesuschrist! How the fuck does there "appear to be a gap?" Seriously?! Is it actually humanly possible for someone that is foreign born to be elected? I mean, come on. We're talking about one of the most powerful governments in the world. With all of the other conspiracies that people believe the US government is capable of pulling off, do people really think that they wouldn't know if the President faked his fucking birth certificate?

  34. Negropolis

    Piyush, eh? That sounds a little (South) Asian to me…

    Are we sure ole Piyush was born in America? He was conceived in India to two non-natives. Show me your birf certificate. Wouldn't it be great to start a rumor that Piyush was actually born in India (or on a plane from India)…?

  35. poncho_pilot

    "Because Obama was born in Kenya and rented an apartment on one of the moons of Jupiter for eight months in 1999."

    since Mars doesn't have any moons why not Jupiter?

      1. poncho_pilot

        well, you should let O'Reilly know. i think i read one of Mars' moon is supposed to crash into Mars sometime in the, relatively speaking, near future. moon orbits, moon crashes down. can't explain it.

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