fun ruined

(Kidnapped?) Jan Brewer Vetoes Birther Bill, Children’s Gun Rights

Should have known it when this happened. She had the shot and didn't take it.Arizona Governor Jan Brewer is best known for chupacabra-ing Hispanics who have the misfortune of living in or passing through the jaws of her state, and given that made her a Teabagger saint, most would have assumed she’d sign the birther bill that would have forced presidential candidates to present a birth certificate (or show them their circumcised dick) to be eligible for the state’s ballot. Nope. She vetoed it. Does she really want the country run by a black guy? Apparently! And, to make matters worse, she vetoed at the same time a bill that would have allowed students to carry guns in schools. Who is this monster and what perverted individual kidnapped our Jan Brewer?

“As a former Secretary of State (sic), I do not support designating one person as the gatekeeper to the ballot for a candidate, which could lead to arbitrary or politically-motivated decisions,” Brewer wrote in her veto message to House Speaker Kirk Adams.

Uh, Jan, could lead to arbitrary or politically-motivated decisions? That’s the whole point of this bill! Did you forget about Obama? Hello! It’s like you want socialism to steal your freedom.

As for the gun bill, it was “poorly written.”

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“Bills impacting our Second Amendment rights have to be crystal clear so that gun owners don’t become lawbreakers by accident,” she wrote in her veto message to Senate President Russell Pearce.

The bill didn’t define the “public right of way” where weapons could be carried on school campuses, and included K-12 schools where firearms are prohibited by federal law, Brewer wrote.

While the bill was “widely advertised” as applying to colleges and universities, it expressly superseded a law that allows school districts to enforce prohibitions against weapons on school grounds, she wrote.

JAN! You’re just going to let the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT come into our kindergartens and take away our children’s AK-47s? What if a kid tries to steal their toy and they need to use self defense? They’re totally helpless! It’s almost like you forgot what Arizona is known for, Jan! Shooting people in the head is part of the culture. A culture of life.

Guess it’s time to recall her. Why did we put so much hope in her? Does she even want to kill Mexicans now, or has she decided that’s ridiculous too?

The House and Senate could override the governor’s veto with a two-thirds majority vote in each chamber, but on Monday, such a move appeared unlikely.

House Speaker Kirk Adams shook his head wearily when asked Monday evening if lawmakers would attempt to override the veto. “No,” he said.

Why does she refuse to arrest the president of the United States? She is a monster. [Tucson Sentinel/Arizona Republic]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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88 comments

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      How long has this woman been in office? It's kind of cute that someone has finally gotten around to talking with her about laws and stuff. Y'know, the importance of constitutionality (whoo, big word!) and enforceability (hey, slow down!) and consequences of laws-as-written.

      She may actually have risen to the level of awareness reached by a 9th grader who has gotten a solid B in civics.

    1. weejee

      Isn't 'legjizzlashun' trademarked by the Koch brothers and pursued to honor of their dad, and John Birch Society co-founder, Fred Koch?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Now she's concerned with politically-motivated decisions?
      Should of thought of that before you doomed your state to be the Laughingstock of the United States by signing that No-Browns Allowed Law.
      I guess being first in the nation to blatant racism, isn't all you thought it would be, eh Jan?

  1. baconzgood

    Guns on campus worked for Charles Whitman, why not Jan Brewer? Are moar shootings not american enough for her?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Whitman was a trend-setter. Those new-jacks at Littleton, Colo., were just two-bit wannabes.

      Austin: always ahead of the cool.

    2. GOPCrusher

      There are a couple of nine year old girls that might still be alive today, if only they would have been allowed to pack heat.

  2. Captain_Quark

    Jesus weeps as the RINO governor drops her drawers, hikes up her skirt and takes a big sloppy dump all over the Teabagger bill. She's no Brewer, she's just a Dirty Sanchez.

  3. OneDollarJuana

    She vetoed the Presidential qualification bill because it allowed certificates of circumcision as proof, and that's just icky.

  4. samsuncle

    Damn! What a shame she vetoed the bill. Obama was so ready to show his long form circumcision certificate.

    1. phlox✔

      I've got a feeling that Barry is, um, 'intact'… As it were.
      No bris certificate for him. Hope he can find his tribal baptismal records.

    2. riverside68

      coincidence? I don't think so, she probably got the vapors!

      No no, that's not it, Michelle got to her, "you can see Barak's long form, but then I'm going to have to kill you!"

  5. GuanoFaucet

    In retaliation, the Arizona legislature will now pass a bill making women ineligible to be governor.

  6. widestanceroman

    Jan gots jungle fever, judging by the tight grip she's giving her naughty bits in the photo (see also how she's praying for anal?).

    This veto is all the proof needed. She's so in the tank now.

  7. YasserArraFeck

    Brewer may be the Cryptkeeper's older sister, but she's not (completely) dumb – sure, she vetoed the bills, but will the vetos be overridden? (It's AZ, after all. Senate = 21R/9D, House = 40R/20D – so, probably). The BirthTards and GunTards get their way, and she comes out looking semi-reasonable (and hawt…mmmmmm)

  8. Maman

    Has she joined the League of Mittens? A rag-tag group of politicians that vomit a little in their own mouths when they are forced to say totally crazy ass crap? Only time will tell, my friend.

  9. chicken_thief

    By "poorly written" she meant it did not say "whitez only can carry all the fucking firearms they want" to schoolz.

  10. Terry

    I think that people from several State agencies, including law enforcement and justice, tied her up and sent all this out from her computer. If Jan Brewer did the right thing, it had to have been by accident or for the wrong reason.

    1. YasserArraFeck

      Yes, but remember to wrap it in ClingWrap – peanut butter makes the grip all slippery – bad for proper gun control during recess

  11. Ducksworthy

    Kindergartners should be allowed to play with Claymore mines. How else are they going to learn how important reading is? Point this side toward enemy is an important lesson,

  12. MozakiBlocks

    I guess Brewer reallized that "Arizona: Batshit Crazy and Lovin' It" wasn't such a good state motto afterall.

  13. Texan_Bulldog

    Hmmm…does not compute. It's like she went all RW crazy to get elected & decided to return to being a normal, somewhat sensible human being after winning. Silly Jan–doesn't she know she has to amp up the crazy after winning? She'll need to have a 'Hunt the Mexicans Day' or 'Everyone in AZ gets Free Gun Day" to make up to the tea baggers.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Maybe she'll get to throw out the first pitch at Handgun and Hard Liquor Night at a Diamondbacks game?

    1. YasserArraFeck

      My work canteen offers an "All-American" breakfast combo. I'm not sure what it contains, but I'm less inclined to find out now….

  14. hagajim

    What the hell? Just when I thought I could count on the crazy, Jan goes all Mavericky on me….is she thinking about running for Kyl's senate seat?

  15. BeWoot

    So typical of Arizona politics: We elect a bona fide right winger, red in tooth and claw, and then one day the Pod People sneak in and replace her with a literary critic.

  16. GunToting[Redacted]

    Meh. The monkey house here in AZ has enough votes to overturn the veto. This move allows Jan to claim that she's not as nuts as she really is.

    1. mrblifil

      But it puts here in a separate category from the Governors of WI, MI, and NJ, all of whom are basically admitting with every word that emanates from their orifices that they have no intention of standing for reelection.

  17. DashboardBuddha

    Sorry Jan, but while this momentary lapse of reason is laudable, you've long ago crossed the boundaries of madness. Enjoy your stay.

  18. Schmannnity

    First Palin nearly booed out of Wisconsin and now these vetoes. Could it be that the Tea party is over and we can just go back to unvarnished hatred of Blacks and/or mulattoes in the Republican Party?

  19. Pithaughn

    Not to be outdone, Texan's have proposed a law that makes it illegal to shoot a firefighter.
    EVEN if they are part of a federal agency and unionized.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      They're making it illegal? So it's legal now? I'd better hotfoot it over to Texas while I can still shoot one!

    2. proudgrampa

      Uhhhh, I thought it was illegal to shoot anyone. I just don't understand the Republic…

      Texan Bulldoggette, where are you when I need you?

  20. BTWBFDIMHO

    The bill included K-12 schools?!!? Well, remember the little girl killed at the mall last January. Had she a AK-47 in her Dora backpack, she may be alive now.

  21. kissawookiee

    In other Arizona news, Crazy Sheriff Joe Arpaio has launched a website for you to vote for your favorite mugshot of the week (no word on whether the arrestees will be posed in official Joe-issued pink undies). Stocks and the dunking chair cannot be far behind.

  22. horsedreamer_1

    She's just moving to the center.

    (Note: Dems move to the center by re-upping needless & heedless Bush tax-cuts. Reps move to the center by suggesting maybe, sort of, heavy-arms in elementary schools — not the best idea.)

  23. sati_demise

    Shes just trying to distance herself from Russell Pearce. Making the calculation that there are more Independents than Neo Nazis in Arizona.

  24. gurukalehuru

    Seriously, this is a strange and unusual state of affairs. It is a relatively common occurrence for sane people to go crazy – that's why there are so many crazy people – but, contrary to Hollywood, it is relatively rare for a crazy person to spontaneously go sane.

    As I glance at the picture above, I wonder, is there some 7th level chess going on after all?

  25. owhatever

    This tyranny will not stand. Brewer gets a Sarah Palin surveyor's mark in the next campaign.

  26. P_Drizzle

    I would like to thank you, Gov. Brewer, for standing up for millions of proudly uncircumcised Americans.

  27. metamarcisf

    Anyone who remembers the recent tragedy in Brazil can't help but support a bill that would require grade school students to carry loaded firearms at all times. Why does Jan Brewer detest the constitution?

  28. proudgrampa

    Wow. A governor with balls. Good for him! That Jan Brewer should be proud of himselt standing up to… Huh? What? Oh. Never mind.

  29. emmelemm

    Up is down, black is white, what's the world coming to?

    Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!!!

  30. anniegetyerfun

    Shooting people in the head is part of the culture. A culture of life.

    Will that fit on a bumpersticker?

  31. Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Circumcision certificate? Bah!

    I want a bill that requires all presidential candidates to display their junk on the ballot.

  32. Negropolis

    It’s almost like you forgot what Arizona is known for, Jan! Shooting people in the head is part of the culture. A culture of life.

    Jack in rare form. Best line? Or best line ever?

    Honestly, this is what happens when your state was already being crushed by the economy, and then you add insult to injury by making it easier for your state to be economically untenable, and then you want back in the good graces of the government to prevent the bottom from totally falling out.

    Crawl back, Brewer.

  33. ttommyunger

    "The perplexed look on Brew's face in the photo is typical of her reaction to… " Barry's comment: "Jan, I will fuck you so hard you will have to pull the sheets out of your asscrack when I get through with you!"

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