before it all goes to hell

Pre-Swamp Sweat Fest Fun: The Many Ways To Enjoy DC Spring

Happy third day of Passover to all our Jewish friends and a hoppy almost Easter to “everyone else!” Jews eating matza and the celebration of when Jesus returned to say “howdy” to all his followers before going away again are two exciting occasions that mark fertility, horny rabbits, and most importantly, spring. Before we enter the sweat feast that is D.C. in the summer when thousands of young impressionable political science majors will come to D.C. to flaunt their stapling skills and flocks of fanny-packed tourists will roll around town in their Segways, we get D.C.’s most enjoyable season, spring. This means there is pig to be eaten and patios to be enjoyed.

A refresher on springtime in D.C.:

You’re really fooling yourself if you think that being outside in the summer in D.C. is an enjoyable experience. Even if D.C. is slowly becoming a city that caters to more than the craft-beer-loving crowd, it will always, always be a swamp of despair and misery in the summertime. Seeing as how nasty summer will be, here’s some ideas for how to enjoy these nice spring days:

Washingtonians love drinking outside and eating brunch. These restaurants allow for both:

Upcoming pig-focused events:

  • Wednesday, April 20: Tonight, Poste will be roasting a happily raised (though now unhappily very dead) pig to celebrate the opening of their courtyard. A plate of pig costs $20 and comes with a beer or a glass of wine. [Poste]
  • Wednesday, April 20: Jackson 20 is hosting an all-you-can-eat “Pig-A-Palooza” (this is why your Wonkabout hates alliteration) in its courtyard. The event features, in addition to slow roasted swine, BBQ ribs, pulled pork, potato salad, cold slaw, smoked corn, cornbread, green bean salad and pies for $35. [Jackson 20]
  • Thursday, April 21: The only acceptable way to welcome spring is with a Pig Party. On Thursday, from 4-8PM, Restaurant 3 will be celebrating the opening of their patio with… fresh-off-the-pig pulled pork sandwiches as well as bacon–stuffed waffles with bacon ice cream. Oh hey, here’s something that makes this lavish consumption of pork slightly more acceptable: proceeds from the event will benefit the Ronald McDonald House. [Restaurant 3]
  • Saturday, April 23: If you happen to have an $100 laying around and can’t imagine living another day unless you know how break down an entire pig, here’s your chance: This Saturday afternoon BLT Steak will be teaching the “art” of breaking down a pig as well as how to create “inventive” pork dishes. The class includes a four-course lunch and cooking demonstration. [BLT Steak (PDF)]
  • Sunday, May 1: But spring really officially begins in D.C. when men don sundresses in a celebration of mumus, cheap beer and freshly roasted pig at Wonderland’s Annual Sundress Fest Fundraiser. [Wonderland]

Spring also means Nationals games and D.C. United games, kayaking, the Sweetlife Festival which is May 1, and Jazz in the Garden, which starts May 27. If you are desperate and have no friends — or, conversely, if you have lots of friends and care to round them all up on a weekly basis — there’s always spending spring playing kickball on the Mall.

About the author

Arielle Fleisher is the Wonkabout. She roams D.C. seeking tasty foods, cheap drinks, whole-pig BBQs, think tank events, street fairs and other local horrors.

View all articles by Arielle Fleisher
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  1. SorosBot

    Does anyone really enjoy Nationals games? Besides the opposing teams and their fans, that is.

    1. GuyClinch

      Hey, they're above .500 so far this year, so there's that. But I refuse to go to their otherwise nice new park, because to smoke a cigarette they make you leave the stadium. You have to go all the way down, get a stupid wristband, and stand outside the park in a fucking metal corral with a bunch of other humiliated chumps. You can't even stand on the fucking ramps. I want my freedumz!

  2. Barbara_i

    "BLT Steak will be teaching the “art” of breaking down a pig….."
    1. Disable her Twitter account.
    2. Hide her big Star of David medallion.
    3. Don't vote for her for Vice President. Watch her spend 4 years, cutting off her snout to spite her face.

  3. MrFizzy

    I'm puttin' on my Obamulke and heading out for a celebration – pulled pork smoked over Texas prairie.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Does any of this pig have lipstick on it? Just curious on account of someone who is increasingly irrelevant gets upset and goes all blood libel on DC for its pigging out on pork proclivities.

  5. GregComlish

    Hey, can I still get in on that Kickball action? I thought the sign up date was past. I would love to make some friends and drink.

  6. DashboardBuddha

    RE: Pig roast…

    I have a serious (but not important ) question. If a person is a Jewish chef/cook, what does he/she do in the event of cooking pork? I can imagine Orthodox/Conservative believers just choosing to not work at that restaurant…but what about the rest?

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          But they certainly took the moral high ground. "You liberals are laughing at retards!!" Hey guys, we laugh at you every day, so it's second nature.

        2. Barbara_i

          It's about to get worse. Papa John's is pulling their Wonkette ad because of the Trig post and now there is a Twitter fuss going on and lots more people are coming to see the post and downfist it, lol.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    We'll just have to think of ourselves as those non-bathing peasants from the Middle Ages; lice and fleas were just part of life.

  8. baconzgood

    Baconzgood approves the swine schedule. As I always say: If I'm holdin' a fork I'm munchin' the pork!

  9. thefrontpage

    What is this "nationals" thing? Is that a soccer or hockey team?

    Who plays in that ugly thing south of the Capitol? Is that this soccer or hockey team?

    Gawd, that's an ugly stadium.

    And every parking spot within one mile of this ugly thing has been jacked up to Rip-Off or No-Parking status–which is just stupid.

    Everyone just needs to go to Orioles games. They're not much better, but they play in a great stadium, and the parking at nearby lots doesn't really rip you off as much. And you can sometimes meet Boog Powell there at his barbeque stand. And the team has at least 70 years of real history in baseball.

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