going postal

Mailman Poops On America

Haha, the guy thought the mailman “had a bunch of packages for us.” Well, the mailman did have a bunch of packages — packages of poop! (Unwrapped.)

It is also great that the teevee news anchor describes a person defecating as “unthinkable” if done in “broad daylight.” Teevee reporters poop through their mouths, on teevee, so it’s understandable how they would be deeply offended by “what humans do when there’s no approved toilet around.”

Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”? Wouldn’t that just be “looking after your own child?” Perhaps babysitting has changed a lot, in this economy — perhaps the gazillion long-term unemployed in this country now classify themselves as “babysitting interns.”

Anyway, just bookmark this the next time somebody makes some remark about Portland being such a hipster socialist city or whatever. Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries. [TeeVee Channel 3, via The Awl]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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  1. Rosie_Scenario

    This is news? Fit for broadcast? Maybe Trump does have a shot at being prez of U.S. America.

      1. Limeylizzie

        True, they have that little ledge on their commodes so they can investigate it before flushing , well that and Hitler.

      1. Negropolis

        So, you go shit on someone elses yard whilst at work like some common pet?

        If he'd just shit in his mailbag, the world would be a happier place.

    1. tessiee

      "Whenever I see a dude pooping my first instinct is to grab my camera."

      Are you Chuck Berry?

    1. CapnFatback

      And I guess I'll do the follow-up: "Talk about a package coming C.O.D.: Crap on Delivery!"

  2. Mumbletycurd

    Hash house harriers call this "fouling trail" — in this case I think they'd settle just for "fouled tail."

    Edit: No love for the Hash?? *weeps*

  3. nounverb911

    "Mailman Poops On America"
    He's just delivering everyone's refund from the government.

  4. emmelemm

    Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

    Hey hey HEY NOW! Oh, all right, I guess you're not too far wrong. Carry on.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Besides, I've lived in Portland (5 years) and would not be at all surprised to see flannel-clad, bike riding hipsters do this in an alley somewhere (as long as it was in the vicinity of a reputable brewpub or organic/vegan cafe.)

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      Big jaw guy talks about how "they" act.
      Dude, it was just one guy who had to take a shit really bad.
      Typical right winger probably thinks this is in the postal carrier training manuals.

  5. Gopherit

    So, should mail carriers take care of business before they go on their rounds, or should they take a break and find a public bathroom? Or Depends?

  6. WriteyWriterton

    Not going to watch it. Nope. Not now. Not ever. But I'm grateful that our ever-vigilant teevee infotainment personalities are on the case.

  7. natoslug

    Another unintended consequence of high unemployment rates. When is NOBAMA going to stand up for Incontinent Americans? Had this man been at work himself, rather than sucking off the teat of his working wife and staying at home with his lazy child, our proud postal person could have poo-d in peace.

  8. Dudleydidwrong

    OK. We get the message. The US Postal Service doesn't like this Internet/email stuff and they aren't going to take it lying down. They're going to squat, strain and wipe. That'll teach us.

  9. peaceocrap

    Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night shall keep our couriers from their appointed bowel movements.

  10. riverside68

    Did you steal this from AJW@[redacted]'s comment in the thread on Glen Beck stealing conspiracy theories aka Big Crazy?

    I love saying Big Crazy. I think it combines Alice and Kafka and the Republican party.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Big CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig Crazy.

      It does feel good.

    2. AJW@[redacted]

      Tip freely given, thanks for noticing. My deceased mail carrier brother would have been so proud today!

  11. Nopantsmcgee

    Really, he should have found a more appropriate place for that. The Wisconsin Palin rally comes to mind.

  12. SorosBot

    Hey, it's better than if he did the usual mailman thing and go back to the post office and shoot up all his co-workers & the customers.

  13. Native_of_SL_UT

    "Babysitting his son and waiting for the mailman" is code for "waiting for the unemployment check."

  14. SmutBoffin

    Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

    This is in reference to the PDX natives. Relative newcomers (like myself) poop into recyclable bags, put it in our bike panniers, and take it home to use in our urban garden/homestead project things.

  15. weejee

    Why is everyone getting concerned about this? Dogs pee on hydrants to mark their turf. This is just the common Postmark, with postage dodo.

  16. DaRooster

    Well, Lord knows no one would let him use their bathroom… he might be crazy, 'cuz he has a job. Not me, I babysit… my own kid.

  17. jus_wonderin

    I have waited in lines at the Post Office. More than once I wanted to leave them a present for making me wait behind that sign. That being said…"if it fits, it shits".

  18. GuanoFaucet

    Clearly this was a direct result of the postal workers union having collective bargaining rights.

    1. WinterOuthouse

      Tommy would never ever shit is someone's yard. He's more of a load into a cannon and shoot it through the window guy. I know because he did this to me just last week. We still can't get the shit stains out of the carpet. And, we'll have to repaint!

      1. ttommyunger

        And fumigate! Frankly, Winter, I can't think of a place I HAVEN'T shit yet. Well, maybe the bed…..but the day is young… And, that's MR. Goon to you, Vulpes.

  19. Steverino247

    And consider Vancouver right across the river, widely regarded as the white trash suburb of Portland.

  20. glamourdammerung

    He was just practicing his enlightened self interest.

    I would expect our teabagger "pal" to be defending this hero who did what he wanted to do despite the moocher's dismay of his actions.

  21. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Talk about Going Galt!

    See, the Atlas Shrugged movie wasn't a failure! Eat that, liberals!

  22. sezme

    Horrifying as this story is, the important thing is that a letter carrier with IBS or at least the runs was publicly and internationally humiliated/made famous. RIP Andy Warhol.

  23. user-of-owls

    poopy mailman::letter carriers worldwide

    beer chute swearing dude::flight attendants worldwide

  24. hagajim

    C'mon everyone, give the guy a break, he was just sharting out what the Koch brothers left behind.

  25. PhilippePetain

    These winger goofus types like Derfler totally still abound here in Portland. I'd say they flourish, if that didn't sound like there was some sort of art to it. People love to talk about how we're surrounded by wingers in the rural areas, but you just KNOW that every third white dude you run into on the street harbors some axe to grind with the N0'Bummegro.

  26. sportshort

    Oh my god, he should be killed and his next of kin should be eviscerated and whoever is a friend of his should have their eyes gouged out and if anyone thinks a good thought about him they should be shamed and humiliated publicly and whew, am I tired from all this justified anger.

  27. randcoolcatdaddy

    Privatizing the post office would at least give you choice in the type of poop delivered to your home.

  28. Guppy06

    "Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”?"

    Raising children is women's work. Duh!

  29. WinterOuthouse

    He's probably a hiker. Hikers shit everywhere. They do it so they can find their way back and to scare the bears (Boo). This guy is just practicing. He has to learn not to get any on his pants.

  30. Terry

    Honestly, grabbing a camera and taking photos of the mail carrier? Just turn the hose on him, soak him to the skin, then make him clean it up. No need to make a federal case of it. He probably had a bad burrito for dinner.

  31. Warpde

    With the way the Retardicans are shitting on M'erka the babysitting daddy should of licked a stamp and slapped it on with a "return to sender" Would have been an easier way of getting it back to GOP HQ.

  32. mercianomad

    Solution: Train dogs to deliver mail. They can publicly shit without any social rules being broken. Cuts down on overhead too. Then again, we are in the era of people toting their dogshit in plastic bags, so maybe the acceptability factor is weakened.

  33. HolyCow!!

    I do sympathize with the mailman but the guy's first instinct was to start snapping photos? That's just creepy. Get out of sight mail people if you have to poo! There are creepy people with cameras everywhere.

  34. MadBrahms

    He's way ahead of the curve; soon we'll all be pooping outside, when our houses are foreclosed!

    Besides, it's *obviously* Portland. Look how eco-sensitive he is! You just know there was a compost heap being fed, right out of frame.

    (Also, did anyone else think it was alarming when the interviewee said that his first reaction was to "grab his camera and start snapping photos"?)

    1. emmelemm

      But if it was REAL Portland, he'd know that you can't put human waste in the compost, or it messes up the whole batch.

  35. Negropolis

    May I be so bold as to ask what decade the victim is from?

    I'd swear, if I hadn't been told this was Portland, I'd have thought it somewhere in the Great Plains, at least.

    BTW, did someone say "son of a mill worker?" You say it three times in the mirror and John Edwards will appear…to have sex with you and then pay you to keep quiet.

    1. Fuck Toad

      Portland is historically populated by Midwest and Plains migrants. You can hear it in the local accent if you know what to listen for. My grandmother came to Portland from South Dakota and my grandfather was born here, and they had basically the same accent.

      My old dad would look and talk basically like that second guy in the commercial spot, although maybe he'd be wearing his PROUD UNION DEMOCRAT T-shirt. Not all old whiteys are the same.

      1. Negropolis

        Didn't say they were. I know the difference between a redneck and hillbilly to say the least.

  36. ttommyunger

    Mister Gummy just ought to be thankful he lives in Portland. If he lived here in Gawgia and his Mailman got a glimpse of that purty mouth he would have kicked the door in, skull-fucked him, wiped his dick off on the drapes and went on about his business without so much as a fair thee well. 'Course I get the impression Mr. Gummy was kind of jonesing for that anyway, prolly pissed all he got on camera was the shrubbery deuce.

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