GOING POSTAL  4:41 pm April 18, 2011

Mailman Poops On America

by Ken Layne

Haha, the guy thought the mailman “had a bunch of packages for us.” Well, the mailman did have a bunch of packages — packages of poop! (Unwrapped.)

It is also great that the teevee news anchor describes a person defecating as “unthinkable” if done in “broad daylight.” Teevee reporters poop through their mouths, on teevee, so it’s understandable how they would be deeply offended by “what humans do when there’s no approved toilet around.”

Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”? Wouldn’t that just be “looking after your own child?” Perhaps babysitting has changed a lot, in this economy — perhaps the gazillion long-term unemployed in this country now classify themselves as “babysitting interns.”

Anyway, just bookmark this the next time somebody makes some remark about Portland being such a hipster socialist city or whatever. Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries. [TeeVee Channel 3, via The Awl]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 134 comments }

memzilla April 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Poop deliverer? Perfect credentials for Trump's campaign manager!

Rosie_Scenario April 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

This is news? Fit for broadcast? Maybe Trump does have a shot at being prez of U.S. America.

BornInATrailer April 18, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Whenever I see a dude pooping my first instinct is to grab my camera.

horsedreamer_1 April 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

You must be German.

Limeylizzie April 18, 2011 at 5:22 pm

True, they have that little ledge on their commodes so they can investigate it before flushing , well that and Hitler.

meufchelou April 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

This thread deserves the Heinrich Heiny award, if not the PUlitzer.

Gopherit April 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I don't think we saw the pics he kept for himself. Also……wow. Big jaw.

ph7 April 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

How dare the mailman do what every human on earth does every day!

sezme April 18, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Let he who is without sin fling the first feces. As Jesus said.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 18, 2011 at 10:39 pm

See Everyone Poops by Charlotte Bronte.

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 1:43 am

So, you go shit on someone elses yard whilst at work like some common pet?

If he'd just shit in his mailbag, the world would be a happier place.

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:06 pm

"Whenever I see a dude pooping my first instinct is to grab my camera."

Are you Chuck Berry?

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 18, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Still better than RNC campaign literature.

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Let's hope that's what he used afterwards.

nounverb911 April 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

"Mailman Poops On America"
Usually it's just the teabaggers and the Saudi's.

Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum April 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Hey, that guy got my copy of "Mailman's Digest"!

CapnFatback April 18, 2011 at 4:47 pm

Say, this one's marked "Postage Doo!"

GuyClinch April 18, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Haha, I just laughed hard enough to make poo come out of my nose.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

Hey Guy… tell me that's chocolate milk…

GuyClinch April 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Um, yeah, hehe, of course. Chocolate milk.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

You win the day!

Limeylizzie April 18, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Tears rolllng down my cheeks.not my butt cheeks

CapnFatback April 19, 2011 at 12:20 am

And I guess I'll do the follow-up: "Talk about a package coming C.O.D.: Crap on Delivery!"

Barbara_i April 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Gosh and to think that I get pissed when mine leaves junk mail.

Fare la Volpe April 18, 2011 at 5:43 pm

The worst is when your junk mail is full of discharge.

horsedreamer_1 April 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

Nothing to see here. Marathoners do this all the time.

deanbooth April 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

First classy!

WriteyWriterton April 18, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Stay first-classy, Portland!

Monsieur_Grumpe April 18, 2011 at 4:48 pm

I blame Bush.

Mumbletycurd April 18, 2011 at 4:49 pm

Hash house harriers call this "fouling trail" — in this case I think they'd settle just for "fouled tail."

Edit: No love for the Hash?? *weeps*

fuflans April 18, 2011 at 7:43 pm

i am 'p'-ing you because you sad.

AJW@[redacted] April 18, 2011 at 9:35 pm

On-on, then. Though I haven't run in maybe 25 years…

nounverb911 April 18, 2011 at 4:49 pm

"Mailman Poops On America"
He's just delivering everyone's refund from the government.

horsedreamer_1 April 18, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Wiping with a Victoria's Secret catalog would be like swearing in French.

PuckStopsHere April 18, 2011 at 4:50 pm

Way to go I-team! Here's a piece of enterprise journalism The Times DOESN'T have.

teebob2000 April 18, 2011 at 4:51 pm

The SYMBOLIZM!!! Govmint shits on teh peoples!!!!!!1 Now we seen it for ourselfes.

emmelemm April 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

Hey hey HEY NOW! Oh, all right, I guess you're not too far wrong. Carry on.

Lascauxcaveman April 18, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Besides, I've lived in Portland (5 years) and would not be at all surprised to see flannel-clad, bike riding hipsters do this in an alley somewhere (as long as it was in the vicinity of a reputable brewpub or organic/vegan cafe.)

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Meh, it's organic fertilizer.

__kth__ April 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

The freak in the story is not the guy crapping behind the shed.

smokefilledfetus April 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Is it Derf Derf Derfler? The man's name suits him well. Derf!
Derf!

Native_of_SL_UT April 18, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Big jaw guy talks about how "they" act.
Dude, it was just one guy who had to take a shit really bad.
Typical right winger probably thinks this is in the postal carrier training manuals.

GOPCrusher April 18, 2011 at 5:31 pm

Obviously, this mailman is a union thug.

EdFlintstone April 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

I think he trained on David Vitter's route.

Sue4466 April 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Shoulda worn his astronaut diapers.

nounverb911 April 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Lisa Nowak doesn't need hers anymore.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lisa_Nowak

Gopherit April 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm

So, should mail carriers take care of business before they go on their rounds, or should they take a break and find a public bathroom? Or Depends?

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 1:49 am

Students, you see what Gopherit did there?

WriteyWriterton April 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Not going to watch it. Nope. Not now. Not ever. But I'm grateful that our ever-vigilant teevee infotainment personalities are on the case.

CapnFatback April 18, 2011 at 4:55 pm

I believe we now have an entirely new definition for "going postal."

natoslug April 18, 2011 at 4:56 pm

Another unintended consequence of high unemployment rates. When is NOBAMA going to stand up for Incontinent Americans? Had this man been at work himself, rather than sucking off the teat of his working wife and staying at home with his lazy child, our proud postal person could have poo-d in peace.

Dudleydidwrong April 18, 2011 at 4:57 pm

OK. We get the message. The US Postal Service doesn't like this Internet/email stuff and they aren't going to take it lying down. They're going to squat, strain and wipe. That'll teach us.

peaceocrap April 18, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night shall keep our couriers from their appointed bowel movements.

jus_wonderin April 18, 2011 at 5:00 pm

STOOL!!!!!!

Oldskool_ April 18, 2011 at 5:01 pm

Sure but does anyone care that the mailman feels much better?

Trannysurprise April 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Poopy the Magic Mailman?

WIDTAP April 18, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Coward!

El Pinche April 18, 2011 at 5:03 pm

I hope those government hand-outs come with hankies.

smokefilledfetus April 18, 2011 at 5:03 pm

He was just delivering a Fecalgram.

riverside68 April 18, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Did you steal this from AJW@[redacted]'s comment in the thread on Glen Beck stealing conspiracy theories aka Big Crazy?

I love saying Big Crazy. I think it combines Alice and Kafka and the Republican party.

WriteyWriterton April 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Big CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig Crazy.

It does feel good.

AJW@[redacted] April 18, 2011 at 5:29 pm

Tip freely given, thanks for noticing. My deceased mail carrier brother would have been so proud today!

Nopantsmcgee April 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Really, he should have found a more appropriate place for that. The Wisconsin Palin rally comes to mind.

CapnFatback April 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

And now we know why Mr. Zip is in such a goddamned hurry.

iburl April 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

What did that evil poop mailman do with that poor babysitter dad's teeth?

ttommyunger April 20, 2011 at 10:05 am

Really! I'd almost rather witness a shrubbery-dump than that ignorant fuck gum-gabbing

SorosBot April 18, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Hey, it's better than if he did the usual mailman thing and go back to the post office and shoot up all his co-workers & the customers.

user-of-owls April 18, 2011 at 6:06 pm

No it's not! Why did you say that?!

Native_of_SL_UT April 18, 2011 at 5:09 pm

"Babysitting his son and waiting for the mailman" is code for "waiting for the unemployment check."

emmelemm April 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Nailed it.

SmutBoffin April 18, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

This is in reference to the PDX natives. Relative newcomers (like myself) poop into recyclable bags, put it in our bike panniers, and take it home to use in our urban garden/homestead project things.

WriteyWriterton April 18, 2011 at 5:16 pm

I think you would not want to have a bicycle accident. Ever.

weejee April 18, 2011 at 5:11 pm

A whole new definition of going Postal.

BaldarTFlagass April 18, 2011 at 5:12 pm

When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. I shit you not.

samsuncle April 18, 2011 at 5:14 pm

I bet he delivered mail to a Taco Bell about an hour before this happened.

Rotundo_ April 18, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Beef suggested filler goes in, Beef suggested filler goes out…

WriteyWriterton April 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm

Chipotleh, if Eric the Cartman is to be believed.

weejee April 18, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Why is everyone getting concerned about this? Dogs pee on hydrants to mark their turf. This is just the common Postmark, with postage dodo.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Well, Lord knows no one would let him use their bathroom… he might be crazy, 'cuz he has a job. Not me, I babysit… my own kid.

jus_wonderin April 18, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I have waited in lines at the Post Office. More than once I wanted to leave them a present for making me wait behind that sign. That being said…"if it fits, it shits".

GuanoFaucet April 18, 2011 at 5:20 pm

Clearly this was a direct result of the postal workers union having collective bargaining rights.

vulpes82 April 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

Okay, which if you goons is this mailman? TTommyUnger?

WinterOuthouse April 18, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Tommy would never ever shit is someone's yard. He's more of a load into a cannon and shoot it through the window guy. I know because he did this to me just last week. We still can't get the shit stains out of the carpet. And, we'll have to repaint!

ttommyunger April 20, 2011 at 10:13 am

And fumigate! Frankly, Winter, I can't think of a place I HAVEN'T shit yet. Well, maybe the bed…..but the day is young… And, that's MR. Goon to you, Vulpes.

bumfug April 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

What, you guys thought everything grows so well in Oregon because of the rain?

samsuncle April 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I can't believe no one has posted this……….SHIT HAPPENS!

BaldarTFlagass April 18, 2011 at 5:24 pm

I blame James Farley, the crooked SOB that was Postmaster General under FDR.

glamourdammerung April 18, 2011 at 5:46 pm

And Robert Byrd, who was in the KKK back in the 1940s!

Limeylizzie April 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Biohazard FTW

glamourdammerung April 18, 2011 at 5:25 pm

Elitist.

AFKensington April 18, 2011 at 5:26 pm

This man deserves to win a poolitzer prize.

Steverino247 April 18, 2011 at 5:26 pm

And consider Vancouver right across the river, widely regarded as the white trash suburb of Portland.

glamourdammerung April 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm

He was just practicing his enlightened self interest.

I would expect our teabagger "pal" to be defending this hero who did what he wanted to do despite the moocher's dismay of his actions.

CapnFatback April 18, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Atlas Squatted.

CapnFatback April 18, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Hitting the Fountainhead.

donner_froh April 18, 2011 at 5:40 pm

Damn–his Associated Content should be worth more than $1.50 per 10,000 page views.

MissTaken April 18, 2011 at 5:44 pm

Does anyone in Portland have teeth??

Beetagger April 18, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Why is Lawrence O'Donnell now the spokesman for the USPS?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 18, 2011 at 5:53 pm

Talk about Going Galt!

See, the Atlas Shrugged movie wasn't a failure! Eat that, liberals!

OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf April 18, 2011 at 5:53 pm

NOTICE…The FedEx guy shits 3 times as fast but it'll cost 6 times as much.

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 1:52 am

And, it'll be broken when it gets there, FTW!

sezme April 18, 2011 at 5:58 pm

Horrifying as this story is, the important thing is that a letter carrier with IBS or at least the runs was publicly and internationally humiliated/made famous. RIP Andy Warhol.

user-of-owls April 18, 2011 at 6:03 pm

poopy mailman::letter carriers worldwide

beer chute swearing dude::flight attendants worldwide

bflrtsplk April 18, 2011 at 6:04 pm

you know what? I don't give a shit.

hagajim April 18, 2011 at 6:05 pm

C'mon everyone, give the guy a break, he was just sharting out what the Koch brothers left behind.

PhilippePetain April 18, 2011 at 6:07 pm

These winger goofus types like Derfler totally still abound here in Portland. I'd say they flourish, if that didn't sound like there was some sort of art to it. People love to talk about how we're surrounded by wingers in the rural areas, but you just KNOW that every third white dude you run into on the street harbors some axe to grind with the N0'Bummegro.

philpjfry April 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

Special delivery from Sarah Palin

sportshort April 18, 2011 at 6:24 pm

Oh my god, he should be killed and his next of kin should be eviscerated and whoever is a friend of his should have their eyes gouged out and if anyone thinks a good thought about him they should be shamed and humiliated publicly and whew, am I tired from all this justified anger.

AJW@[redacted] April 18, 2011 at 9:41 pm

I'm sure his facebook page is fun this evening.

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Or, at the very least, they should make him clean it up.

randcoolcatdaddy April 18, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Privatizing the post office would at least give you choice in the type of poop delivered to your home.

Gleem_McShineys April 18, 2011 at 6:38 pm

If only the guy had a Triumph The Comic Dog hand puppet.

Guppy06 April 18, 2011 at 6:49 pm

"Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”?"

Raising children is women's work. Duh!

WinterOuthouse April 18, 2011 at 6:53 pm

He's probably a hiker. Hikers shit everywhere. They do it so they can find their way back and to scare the bears (Boo). This guy is just practicing. He has to learn not to get any on his pants.

emmelemm April 18, 2011 at 7:10 pm

I'm not sure that would SCARE the bears. More like lead the bears right to you.

Terry April 18, 2011 at 6:57 pm

Honestly, grabbing a camera and taking photos of the mail carrier? Just turn the hose on him, soak him to the skin, then make him clean it up. No need to make a federal case of it. He probably had a bad burrito for dinner.

Warpde April 18, 2011 at 7:07 pm

With the way the Retardicans are shitting on M'erka the babysitting daddy should of licked a stamp and slapped it on with a "return to sender" Would have been an easier way of getting it back to GOP HQ.

mercianomad April 18, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Solution: Train dogs to deliver mail. They can publicly shit without any social rules being broken. Cuts down on overhead too. Then again, we are in the era of people toting their dogshit in plastic bags, so maybe the acceptability factor is weakened.

GhostBuggy April 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

This is the worst episode of "Unwrapped" I've ever seen.

HolyCow!! April 18, 2011 at 8:19 pm

I do sympathize with the mailman but the guy's first instinct was to start snapping photos? That's just creepy. Get out of sight mail people if you have to poo! There are creepy people with cameras everywhere.

smokefilledfetus April 18, 2011 at 8:56 pm

Uh oh! Should've worn a diaper! <sad trumpet>

mrblifil April 18, 2011 at 10:05 pm

I'm sure he felt he was just doing his doody.

Zvi_Bleindmeis April 18, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Who wipes?

MadBrahms April 18, 2011 at 11:19 pm

He's way ahead of the curve; soon we'll all be pooping outside, when our houses are foreclosed!

Besides, it's *obviously* Portland. Look how eco-sensitive he is! You just know there was a compost heap being fed, right out of frame.

(Also, did anyone else think it was alarming when the interviewee said that his first reaction was to "grab his camera and start snapping photos"?)

emmelemm April 19, 2011 at 12:18 am

But if it was REAL Portland, he'd know that you can't put human waste in the compost, or it messes up the whole batch.

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 1:35 am

May I be so bold as to ask what decade the victim is from?

I'd swear, if I hadn't been told this was Portland, I'd have thought it somewhere in the Great Plains, at least.

BTW, did someone say "son of a mill worker?" You say it three times in the mirror and John Edwards will appear…to have sex with you and then pay you to keep quiet.

Fuck Toad April 19, 2011 at 7:26 am

Portland is historically populated by Midwest and Plains migrants. You can hear it in the local accent if you know what to listen for. My grandmother came to Portland from South Dakota and my grandfather was born here, and they had basically the same accent.

My old dad would look and talk basically like that second guy in the commercial spot, although maybe he'd be wearing his PROUD UNION DEMOCRAT T-shirt. Not all old whiteys are the same.

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Didn't say they were. I know the difference between a redneck and hillbilly to say the least.

MrFizzy April 19, 2011 at 5:02 am

Probably had a butt full of santorum.

BZ1 April 19, 2011 at 8:41 am

…at that point I grabbed my camera, 'Merica's Funniest Home Videos, here we come…

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Yeah, this is proof positive that GUBMINT JUST DOESN'T WORKZ, PEOPLE!!

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:29 pm

Incontinent mailman is incontinent.

tessiee April 19, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Perhaps there was a flyer in his mailbag that instructed him to "void where prohibited".

ttommyunger April 20, 2011 at 10:20 am

Mister Gummy just ought to be thankful he lives in Portland. If he lived here in Gawgia and his Mailman got a glimpse of that purty mouth he would have kicked the door in, skull-fucked him, wiped his dick off on the drapes and went on about his business without so much as a fair thee well. 'Course I get the impression Mr. Gummy was kind of jonesing for that anyway, prolly pissed all he got on camera was the shrubbery deuce.

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