going postal

Mailman Poops On America

Haha, the guy thought the mailman “had a bunch of packages for us.” Well, the mailman did have a bunch of packages — packages of poop! (Unwrapped.)

It is also great that the teevee news anchor describes a person defecating as “unthinkable” if done in “broad daylight.” Teevee reporters poop through their mouths, on teevee, so it’s understandable how they would be deeply offended by “what humans do when there’s no approved toilet around.”

Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”? Wouldn’t that just be “looking after your own child?” Perhaps babysitting has changed a lot, in this economy — perhaps the gazillion long-term unemployed in this country now classify themselves as “babysitting interns.”

Anyway, just bookmark this the next time somebody makes some remark about Portland being such a hipster socialist city or whatever. Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries. [TeeVee Channel 3, via The Awl]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • memzilla

    Poop deliverer? Perfect credentials for Trump's campaign manager!

  • Rosie_Scenario

    This is news? Fit for broadcast? Maybe Trump does have a shot at being prez of U.S. America.

  • BornInATrailer

    Whenever I see a dude pooping my first instinct is to grab my camera.

    • horsedreamer_1

      You must be German.

      • Limeylizzie

        True, they have that little ledge on their commodes so they can investigate it before flushing , well that and Hitler.

        • meufchelou

          This thread deserves the Heinrich Heiny award, if not the PUlitzer.

    • Gopherit

      I don't think we saw the pics he kept for himself. Also……wow. Big jaw.

    • ph7

      How dare the mailman do what every human on earth does every day!

      • sezme

        Let he who is without sin fling the first feces. As Jesus said.

        • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

          See Everyone Poops by Charlotte Bronte.

      • Negropolis

        So, you go shit on someone elses yard whilst at work like some common pet?

        If he'd just shit in his mailbag, the world would be a happier place.

    • tessiee

      "Whenever I see a dude pooping my first instinct is to grab my camera."

      Are you Chuck Berry?

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Still better than RNC campaign literature.

    • tessiee

      Let's hope that's what he used afterwards.

  • nounverb911

    "Mailman Poops On America"
    Usually it's just the teabaggers and the Saudi's.

  • Worthly[♬♪♬♪♫♪♬]Skum

    Hey, that guy got my copy of "Mailman's Digest"!

  • CapnFatback

    Say, this one's marked "Postage Doo!"

    • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

      Haha, I just laughed hard enough to make poo come out of my nose.

      • DaRooster

        Hey Guy… tell me that's chocolate milk…

        • http://guyclinch.blogspot.com GuyClinch

          Um, yeah, hehe, of course. Chocolate milk.

    • DaRooster

      You win the day!

      • Limeylizzie

        Tears rolllng down my cheeks.not my butt cheeks

    • CapnFatback

      And I guess I'll do the follow-up: "Talk about a package coming C.O.D.: Crap on Delivery!"

  • Barbara_i

    Gosh and to think that I get pissed when mine leaves junk mail.

    • Fare la Volpe

      The worst is when your junk mail is full of discharge.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Nothing to see here. Marathoners do this all the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    First classy!

    • WriteyWriterton

      Stay first-classy, Portland!

  • http://wonkette.com/ Monsieur_Grumpe

    I blame Bush.

  • Mumbletycurd

    Hash house harriers call this "fouling trail" — in this case I think they'd settle just for "fouled tail."

    Edit: No love for the Hash?? *weeps*

    • fuflans

      i am 'p'-ing you because you sad.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      On-on, then. Though I haven't run in maybe 25 years…

  • nounverb911

    "Mailman Poops On America"
    He's just delivering everyone's refund from the government.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Wiping with a Victoria's Secret catalog would be like swearing in French.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Way to go I-team! Here's a piece of enterprise journalism The Times DOESN'T have.

  • teebob2000

    The SYMBOLIZM!!! Govmint shits on teh peoples!!!!!!1 Now we seen it for ourselfes.

  • emmelemm

    Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

    Hey hey HEY NOW! Oh, all right, I guess you're not too far wrong. Carry on.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Besides, I've lived in Portland (5 years) and would not be at all surprised to see flannel-clad, bike riding hipsters do this in an alley somewhere (as long as it was in the vicinity of a reputable brewpub or organic/vegan cafe.)

      • tessiee

        Meh, it's organic fertilizer.

  • __kth__

    The freak in the story is not the guy crapping behind the shed.

    • http://wonkette.com smokefilledfetus

      Is it Derf Derf Derfler? The man's name suits him well. Derf!
      Derf!

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Big jaw guy talks about how "they" act.
      Dude, it was just one guy who had to take a shit really bad.
      Typical right winger probably thinks this is in the postal carrier training manuals.

      • GOPCrusher

        Obviously, this mailman is a union thug.

  • EdFlintstone

    I think he trained on David Vitter's route.

  • Sue4466

    Shoulda worn his astronaut diapers.

  • Gopherit

    So, should mail carriers take care of business before they go on their rounds, or should they take a break and find a public bathroom? Or Depends?

    • Negropolis

      Students, you see what Gopherit did there?

  • WriteyWriterton

    Not going to watch it. Nope. Not now. Not ever. But I'm grateful that our ever-vigilant teevee infotainment personalities are on the case.

  • CapnFatback

    I believe we now have an entirely new definition for "going postal."

  • http://oliphantparts.org/ natoslug

    Another unintended consequence of high unemployment rates. When is NOBAMA going to stand up for Incontinent Americans? Had this man been at work himself, rather than sucking off the teat of his working wife and staying at home with his lazy child, our proud postal person could have poo-d in peace.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    OK. We get the message. The US Postal Service doesn't like this Internet/email stuff and they aren't going to take it lying down. They're going to squat, strain and wipe. That'll teach us.

  • peaceocrap

    Neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night shall keep our couriers from their appointed bowel movements.

  • jus_wonderin

    STOOL!!!!!!

  • Oldskool_

    Sure but does anyone care that the mailman feels much better?

  • Trannysurprise

    Poopy the Magic Mailman?

  • WIDTAP

    Coward!

  • El Pinche

    I hope those government hand-outs come with hankies.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledfetus

    He was just delivering a Fecalgram.

  • riverside68

    Did you steal this from AJW@[redacted]'s comment in the thread on Glen Beck stealing conspiracy theories aka Big Crazy?

    I love saying Big Crazy. I think it combines Alice and Kafka and the Republican party.

    • WriteyWriterton

      Big CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig CrazyBig Crazy.

      It does feel good.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      Tip freely given, thanks for noticing. My deceased mail carrier brother would have been so proud today!

  • Nopantsmcgee

    Really, he should have found a more appropriate place for that. The Wisconsin Palin rally comes to mind.

  • CapnFatback

    And now we know why Mr. Zip is in such a goddamned hurry.

  • iburl

    What did that evil poop mailman do with that poor babysitter dad's teeth?

    • ttommyunger

      Really! I'd almost rather witness a shrubbery-dump than that ignorant fuck gum-gabbing

  • SorosBot

    Hey, it's better than if he did the usual mailman thing and go back to the post office and shoot up all his co-workers & the customers.

    • user-of-owls

      No it's not! Why did you say that?!

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    "Babysitting his son and waiting for the mailman" is code for "waiting for the unemployment check."

    • emmelemm

      Nailed it.

  • SmutBoffin

    Most of Portland is exactly like what you see in this video report: a bunch of confused white people descended from lumber mill workers with brain injuries.

    This is in reference to the PDX natives. Relative newcomers (like myself) poop into recyclable bags, put it in our bike panniers, and take it home to use in our urban garden/homestead project things.

    • WriteyWriterton

      I think you would not want to have a bicycle accident. Ever.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    A whole new definition of going Postal.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. I shit you not.

  • samsuncle

    I bet he delivered mail to a Taco Bell about an hour before this happened.

    • Rotundo_

      Beef suggested filler goes in, Beef suggested filler goes out…

    • WriteyWriterton

      Chipotleh, if Eric the Cartman is to be believed.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Why is everyone getting concerned about this? Dogs pee on hydrants to mark their turf. This is just the common Postmark, with postage dodo.

  • DaRooster

    Well, Lord knows no one would let him use their bathroom… he might be crazy, 'cuz he has a job. Not me, I babysit… my own kid.

  • jus_wonderin

    I have waited in lines at the Post Office. More than once I wanted to leave them a present for making me wait behind that sign. That being said…"if it fits, it shits".

  • GuanoFaucet

    Clearly this was a direct result of the postal workers union having collective bargaining rights.

  • vulpes82

    Okay, which if you goons is this mailman? TTommyUnger?

    • WinterOuthouse

      Tommy would never ever shit is someone's yard. He's more of a load into a cannon and shoot it through the window guy. I know because he did this to me just last week. We still can't get the shit stains out of the carpet. And, we'll have to repaint!

      • ttommyunger

        And fumigate! Frankly, Winter, I can't think of a place I HAVEN'T shit yet. Well, maybe the bed…..but the day is young… And, that's MR. Goon to you, Vulpes.

  • bumfug

    What, you guys thought everything grows so well in Oregon because of the rain?

  • samsuncle

    I can't believe no one has posted this……….SHIT HAPPENS!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I blame James Farley, the crooked SOB that was Postmaster General under FDR.

    • glamourdammerung

      And Robert Byrd, who was in the KKK back in the 1940s!

  • Limeylizzie

    Biohazard FTW

  • glamourdammerung

    Elitist.

  • AFKensington

    This man deserves to win a poolitzer prize.

  • Steverino247

    And consider Vancouver right across the river, widely regarded as the white trash suburb of Portland.

  • glamourdammerung

    He was just practicing his enlightened self interest.

    I would expect our teabagger "pal" to be defending this hero who did what he wanted to do despite the moocher's dismay of his actions.

    • CapnFatback

      Atlas Squatted.

      • CapnFatback

        Hitting the Fountainhead.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Damn–his Associated Content should be worth more than $1.50 per 10,000 page views.

  • MissTaken

    Does anyone in Portland have teeth??

  • Beetagger

    Why is Lawrence O'Donnell now the spokesman for the USPS?

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Talk about Going Galt!

    See, the Atlas Shrugged movie wasn't a failure! Eat that, liberals!

  • OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf

    NOTICE…The FedEx guy shits 3 times as fast but it'll cost 6 times as much.

    • Negropolis

      And, it'll be broken when it gets there, FTW!

  • sezme

    Horrifying as this story is, the important thing is that a letter carrier with IBS or at least the runs was publicly and internationally humiliated/made famous. RIP Andy Warhol.

  • user-of-owls

    poopy mailman::letter carriers worldwide

    beer chute swearing dude::flight attendants worldwide

  • bflrtsplk

    you know what? I don't give a shit.

  • hagajim

    C'mon everyone, give the guy a break, he was just sharting out what the Koch brothers left behind.

  • PhilippePetain

    These winger goofus types like Derfler totally still abound here in Portland. I'd say they flourish, if that didn't sound like there was some sort of art to it. People love to talk about how we're surrounded by wingers in the rural areas, but you just KNOW that every third white dude you run into on the street harbors some axe to grind with the N0'Bummegro.

  • philpjfry

    Special delivery from Sarah Palin

  • sportshort

    Oh my god, he should be killed and his next of kin should be eviscerated and whoever is a friend of his should have their eyes gouged out and if anyone thinks a good thought about him they should be shamed and humiliated publicly and whew, am I tired from all this justified anger.

    • AJW@[redacted]

      I'm sure his facebook page is fun this evening.

    • tessiee

      Or, at the very least, they should make him clean it up.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Privatizing the post office would at least give you choice in the type of poop delivered to your home.

  • http://intensedebate.com/logout Gleem_McShineys

    If only the guy had a Triumph The Comic Dog hand puppet.

  • Guppy06

    "Also, is it common to refer to a father looking after his own child as “babysitting”?"

    Raising children is women's work. Duh!

  • WinterOuthouse

    He's probably a hiker. Hikers shit everywhere. They do it so they can find their way back and to scare the bears (Boo). This guy is just practicing. He has to learn not to get any on his pants.

    • emmelemm

      I'm not sure that would SCARE the bears. More like lead the bears right to you.

  • Terry

    Honestly, grabbing a camera and taking photos of the mail carrier? Just turn the hose on him, soak him to the skin, then make him clean it up. No need to make a federal case of it. He probably had a bad burrito for dinner.

  • Warpde

    With the way the Retardicans are shitting on M'erka the babysitting daddy should of licked a stamp and slapped it on with a "return to sender" Would have been an easier way of getting it back to GOP HQ.

  • mercianomad

    Solution: Train dogs to deliver mail. They can publicly shit without any social rules being broken. Cuts down on overhead too. Then again, we are in the era of people toting their dogshit in plastic bags, so maybe the acceptability factor is weakened.

  • GhostBuggy

    This is the worst episode of "Unwrapped" I've ever seen.

  • HolyCow!!

    I do sympathize with the mailman but the guy's first instinct was to start snapping photos? That's just creepy. Get out of sight mail people if you have to poo! There are creepy people with cameras everywhere.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledfetus

    Uh oh! Should've worn a diaper! <sad trumpet>

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I'm sure he felt he was just doing his doody.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Who wipes?

  • MadBrahms

    He's way ahead of the curve; soon we'll all be pooping outside, when our houses are foreclosed!

    Besides, it's *obviously* Portland. Look how eco-sensitive he is! You just know there was a compost heap being fed, right out of frame.

    (Also, did anyone else think it was alarming when the interviewee said that his first reaction was to "grab his camera and start snapping photos"?)

    • emmelemm

      But if it was REAL Portland, he'd know that you can't put human waste in the compost, or it messes up the whole batch.

  • Negropolis

    May I be so bold as to ask what decade the victim is from?

    I'd swear, if I hadn't been told this was Portland, I'd have thought it somewhere in the Great Plains, at least.

    BTW, did someone say "son of a mill worker?" You say it three times in the mirror and John Edwards will appear…to have sex with you and then pay you to keep quiet.

    • Fuck Toad

      Portland is historically populated by Midwest and Plains migrants. You can hear it in the local accent if you know what to listen for. My grandmother came to Portland from South Dakota and my grandfather was born here, and they had basically the same accent.

      My old dad would look and talk basically like that second guy in the commercial spot, although maybe he'd be wearing his PROUD UNION DEMOCRAT T-shirt. Not all old whiteys are the same.

      • Negropolis

        Didn't say they were. I know the difference between a redneck and hillbilly to say the least.

  • MrFizzy

    Probably had a butt full of santorum.

  • BZ1

    …at that point I grabbed my camera, 'Merica's Funniest Home Videos, here we come…

  • tessiee

    Yeah, this is proof positive that GUBMINT JUST DOESN'T WORKZ, PEOPLE!!

  • tessiee

    Incontinent mailman is incontinent.

  • tessiee

    Perhaps there was a flyer in his mailbag that instructed him to "void where prohibited".

  • ttommyunger

    Mister Gummy just ought to be thankful he lives in Portland. If he lived here in Gawgia and his Mailman got a glimpse of that purty mouth he would have kicked the door in, skull-fucked him, wiped his dick off on the drapes and went on about his business without so much as a fair thee well. 'Course I get the impression Mr. Gummy was kind of jonesing for that anyway, prolly pissed all he got on camera was the shrubbery deuce.