Benevolent God Floods Georgetown

by Jack Stuef

Storms this weekend raged through the mid-Atlantic, and the Act of God (like another Act of God, the U.S. Constitution) left dozens dead. Still, there was a reason the Lord did this: to rid the world of Georgetown once and for all.

Laura Keivel, who passed along the images from the Harbour this morning, tells DCist that there’s “heavy damage to Tony and Joe’s, Farmers and Fishers, Cabanas, and Sequoia, as well as the large fountain.”

“It appeared that two of the flood gates broke possibly early this morning,” said Keivel. “I went downstairs to get the mail, and you can hear the water pouring in the elevators.”

There’s always a purpose. [DCist]

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Gopherit April 18, 2011 at 1:38 pm

Tell me when the deluge reaches the capitol

CrankyLttlCamperette April 18, 2011 at 2:41 pm

It won't — that's why we're on a Hill.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 18, 2011 at 3:53 pm

If Jebus wants it to, he can do anything!

hagajim April 18, 2011 at 1:39 pm

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time by flushing out the cesspool.

BaldarTFlagass April 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Are there black people sitting on their roofs, and looting the Food King?

Preferred Customer April 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm

No. This is Georgetown.

weejee April 18, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Are there white people sitting on the roofs of their Beamers and looting Nordstroms?

Preferred Customer April 18, 2011 at 2:09 pm

According to the video from the local news, there were many German luxury sedans and upscale restaurants damaged or destroyed by the flood. The clip shows a particularly pitiful looking V12 Mercedes S-class being pulled from the deep.

EDIT: Looking on the bright side, destruction of that single grosser Benz is likely to reduce global warming by .0001 degree.

Rarian Rakista April 19, 2011 at 1:09 am

Don't worry, a new one is on its way.

ttommyunger April 19, 2011 at 11:21 am

White folk "scavenge" only the blacks "loot", pilgrim.

AFKensington April 18, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Isn't everything an act of god? Abortion, murder, wrongful imprisonment, muslims?

smokefilledfetus April 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Is rain God's tears or pee? I forget.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I think a good thing to tell a kid, when he asks,"Where does rain come from?" is, "God is crying". And when he asks,"Why is God crying? tell him,"Probably something you did."

-Jack Handey
(Truthfully I think it is something Repugs have done)

DustBowlBlues April 18, 2011 at 2:25 pm

Thanks. I'd forgotten that broadcast of Deep Thoughts.

Rarian Rakista April 19, 2011 at 1:12 am

They used to sacrifice children in South America, maybe if we bring that back, God will rain on Texas which is suffering through a once a 100 year drought. Maybe we should start worshiping real American gods like the creator god of the Incans, Pachamac.

102415 April 20, 2011 at 12:19 pm

Actually, that's what the preacher told my mother when my grandfather died in a hit and run crossing the street. She was fourteen. True story.

Mahousu April 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm

heavy damage to Tony and Joe’s, Farmers and Fishers, Cabanas, and Sequoia

Looks like God is a restaurant critic. One whose judgment I can't disagree with.

smokefilledfetus April 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

I thought God was a real estate developer.

OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf April 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

I heard God is a Civil Engineer. Who else could of got the permits to build an amusement park next to a sewage plant??

(try the veal)

SorosBot April 18, 2011 at 2:29 pm

We need Arielle to compare the damaged restaurants.

jus_wonderin April 18, 2011 at 3:18 pm

LOL. I read that as Ariel, the little mermaid. And ya know, it works too.

James Michael Curley April 18, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Works with it being a Tempest and all.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 1:52 pm

How's the fishin'?

natl_indecency_cmdr April 18, 2011 at 4:34 pm

lotsa crappies.

DaRooster April 18, 2011 at 4:39 pm


chascates April 18, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Allah actually meant for it to rain on the fires in Texas but got sidetracked by watching Meet the Press.

nounverb911 April 18, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Unedited line from "Field of Dreams"
"Are we in hell? No Texas!"

DustBowlBlues April 18, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Since Perry's demanded federal help, I'm assuming that whole secession thing is off the table for another couple of months.

jus_wonderin April 18, 2011 at 3:20 pm

I can't even get up the snark for this one. Perry is such an asshole.

horsedreamer_1 April 18, 2011 at 3:24 pm

Barack should smack it down citing disaster relief as an unenumerated power, thus one endowed of the States, individually, & not within the Federal purview.

GOPCrusher April 18, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Barry should tell Perry to fuck off.

donner_froh April 19, 2011 at 12:56 am

Have the CIA deliver federal help via armed drones.

nounverb911 April 18, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Paging Noah! God on line two.

Monsieur_Grumpe April 18, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Looks all those students who skipped Arc Building 101, 102 and 103 are shit out of luck.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 18, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Glenn Beck said this would happened when Hillary Clinton first brought lesbianism to the State Department.

DownFist Troll April 18, 2011 at 2:04 pm

Clearly Georgetown had too many homo-communist parades celebrating the caliphate, imo.

weejee April 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

All those catfish in the elevator shafts are going to be smelling real sweet come Thursday.

OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf April 18, 2011 at 2:05 pm

and if just one Georgetown girl goes missing, the ENTIRE news will be staring at shiny objects again…

DustBowlBlues April 18, 2011 at 2:38 pm

Like the news of the North Carolina tornadoes (note to news talkers: they're only called Twisters outside the tornado belt) featuring video of a damaged house and the tragic story of family that wasn't home but shared how damaged they would have been in they had been home.

MSNBC The place for politics.

SorosBot April 18, 2011 at 2:06 pm

God hates predominantly rich, white & preppie college kids?

Monsieur_Grumpe April 18, 2011 at 2:08 pm

Everyone does especially when they try to rap.

Troubledog April 18, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Free water? This must be stopped. These people are getting away with murder. Elsewhere in the country we have to pay for water. I am sick of funding the abortions and free water for people in the capitol who are out of touch with the regular people.

Native_of_SL_UT April 18, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Evan Almighty was actually biblical prophesy.

WinterOuthouse April 18, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Did it flood the Archives? NO. See it was the Baby Jeebus flooding the snooty people in Georgetown. He didn't flood his most sacred document, the constitutshun, protecting like a conservative mother that protects the baby and the checkbook. These sacred and holy words were handed directly to the slave owner politicians in the 1400's and buried in a clay pot until Nathan Bedford Forest dug them up and translated the document.

Whaddya think about that Bitches?

trampndirtdown April 19, 2011 at 12:11 am

I think Babby Jeebus is mad because Obamer was mean to little Paul Ryan. Made babby cry.

Bonzos_Bed_Time April 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm

According to Rotten Tomatoes, the NY Post loves it:

Who would have ever seen that coming?

mavenmaven April 18, 2011 at 4:07 pm

The Lord is upset that so few of the Georgetown elitists went to see His own movie, Atlas Shrugged.

PuckStopsHere April 18, 2011 at 4:40 pm

How's the gang at Late Night Shots taking this?

Guppy06 April 18, 2011 at 5:01 pm

"It appeared that two of the flood gates broke possibly early this morning"

I'm sure the Army Corps of Engineers will get right on that.

Sharkey April 18, 2011 at 6:09 pm

But are the escalators okay?

twoeightnine April 18, 2011 at 7:56 pm

If Georgetown is still there tomorrow that proves that god is fake.

MadBrahms April 18, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I blame the sodomy. Of course, I blame the sodomy for everything.

mrblifil April 18, 2011 at 9:59 pm

That's a lot of interrupted potential finger banging.

BarackMyWorld April 18, 2011 at 11:35 pm

I call bullshit:
And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
Genesis 9:11 (!!!)

See? It's right there in Genesis.

And as we all know, Genesis does what Nintendon't.

Negropolis April 19, 2011 at 8:16 am

Poor little rich girl(s)…

Get back to me when God starts spanking Washington's Foggy Bottom.

Double Entendre-atcha!

BZ1 April 19, 2011 at 8:51 am

Pray tell, what was the "unusual event" which shut down the reactors at Surry Nuclear Power Station? Homer Simpson back at work?

ttommyunger April 19, 2011 at 11:24 am

One would have thought there would have been a very good law passed to prevent such an mishap at such a hallowed (read white) location.

joobajooba April 19, 2011 at 3:14 pm

White people "forage"

OzoneTom April 20, 2011 at 10:08 am

Was that written by a Brit? Or is "Harbour" some sort of contraction of Haley Barbour?

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