but we hope that vineyard vines bum can float. he can right?

Benevolent God Floods Georgetown

Storms this weekend raged through the mid-Atlantic, and the Act of God (like another Act of God, the U.S. Constitution) left dozens dead. Still, there was a reason the Lord did this: to rid the world of Georgetown once and for all.

Laura Keivel, who passed along the images from the Harbour this morning, tells DCist that there’s “heavy damage to Tony and Joe’s, Farmers and Fishers, Cabanas, and Sequoia, as well as the large fountain.”

“It appeared that two of the flood gates broke possibly early this morning,” said Keivel. “I went downstairs to get the mail, and you can hear the water pouring in the elevators.”

There’s always a purpose. [DCist]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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        1. Preferred Customer

          According to the video from the local news, there were many German luxury sedans and upscale restaurants damaged or destroyed by the flood. The clip shows a particularly pitiful looking V12 Mercedes S-class being pulled from the deep.

          EDIT: Looking on the bright side, destruction of that single grosser Benz is likely to reduce global warming by .0001 degree.

    1. DaRooster

      I think a good thing to tell a kid, when he asks,"Where does rain come from?" is, "God is crying". And when he asks,"Why is God crying? tell him,"Probably something you did."

      -Jack Handey
      (Truthfully I think it is something Repugs have done)

      1. Rarian Rakista

        They used to sacrifice children in South America, maybe if we bring that back, God will rain on Texas which is suffering through a once a 100 year drought. Maybe we should start worshiping real American gods like the creator god of the Incans, Pachamac.

      2. 102415

        Actually, that's what the preacher told my mother when my grandfather died in a hit and run crossing the street. She was fourteen. True story.

  1. Mahousu

    heavy damage to Tony and Joe’s, Farmers and Fishers, Cabanas, and Sequoia

    Looks like God is a restaurant critic. One whose judgment I can't disagree with.

      1. OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf

        I heard God is a Civil Engineer. Who else could of got the permits to build an amusement park next to a sewage plant??

        (try the veal)

  2. chascates

    Allah actually meant for it to rain on the fires in Texas but got sidetracked by watching Meet the Press.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Since Perry's demanded federal help, I'm assuming that whole secession thing is off the table for another couple of months.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Barack should smack it down citing disaster relief as an unenumerated power, thus one endowed of the States, individually, & not within the Federal purview.

  3. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Glenn Beck said this would happened when Hillary Clinton first brought lesbianism to the State Department.

  4. DownFist Troll

    Clearly Georgetown had too many homo-communist parades celebrating the caliphate, imo.

  5. OC_ROBOTS!!_Serf

    and if just one Georgetown girl goes missing, the ENTIRE news will be staring at shiny objects again…

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Like the news of the North Carolina tornadoes (note to news talkers: they're only called Twisters outside the tornado belt) featuring video of a damaged house and the tragic story of family that wasn't home but shared how damaged they would have been in they had been home.

      MSNBC The place for politics.

  6. Troubledog

    Free water? This must be stopped. These people are getting away with murder. Elsewhere in the country we have to pay for water. I am sick of funding the abortions and free water for people in the capitol who are out of touch with the regular people.

  7. WinterOuthouse

    Did it flood the Archives? NO. See it was the Baby Jeebus flooding the snooty people in Georgetown. He didn't flood his most sacred document, the constitutshun, protecting like a conservative mother that protects the baby and the checkbook. These sacred and holy words were handed directly to the slave owner politicians in the 1400's and buried in a clay pot until Nathan Bedford Forest dug them up and translated the document.

    Whaddya think about that Bitches?

  8. mavenmaven

    The Lord is upset that so few of the Georgetown elitists went to see His own movie, Atlas Shrugged.

  9. Guppy06

    "It appeared that two of the flood gates broke possibly early this morning"

    I'm sure the Army Corps of Engineers will get right on that.

  10. BarackMyWorld

    I call bullshit:
    And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
    Genesis 9:11 (!!!)

    See? It's right there in Genesis.

    And as we all know, Genesis does what Nintendon't.

  11. Negropolis

    Poor little rich girl(s)…

    Get back to me when God starts spanking Washington's Foggy Bottom.

    Double Entendre-atcha!

  12. BZ1

    Pray tell, what was the "unusual event" which shut down the reactors at Surry Nuclear Power Station? Homer Simpson back at work?

  13. ttommyunger

    One would have thought there would have been a very good law passed to prevent such an mishap at such a hallowed (read white) location.

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