whip it out obama

No Birth Certificate? Arizona Will Accept Your Bris Certificate

Good news for circumcised Jewish men who wish to become the American President: Just bring whatever piece of paper the random drunken mohel gave your mother at your Brit milah back when you were eight days old, and you can be on the Arizona ballot.

New Times reports from Phoenix:

If you can’t find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice.

A circumcision certificate — a document given to the parents of a male Jewish child after his foreskin is snipped off during a circumcision ceremony — is not a legal document (see an example of one here) but if you have one, under the amended bill, it’s apparently enough to prove you’re a U.S. citizen and your name can be permitted on the ballot in Arizona.

Thanks to Wonkette operative “C.D.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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90 comments

  1. Barbara_i

    I don't have a bris certificate. I do have a receipt signed, "go ahead, keep the tip" I guess I should have saved it, eh?

  2. OC_No Soaps!!_Serf

    What, another Jewish President??

    and we all know who else wanted a Jewish Leader…

          1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

            He also built concentration camps where Jews were well feed and taken care of before being put into positions of powers.

  3. Barbara_i

    I am completely against circumcision after reading my husband's baby book. He had it done the day after he was born and it turns out the poor little guy couldn't walk for a year after that.

    1. Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I was born back in the era when they gave women happy drugs during birth. Apparently my mother asked the doctors after my birth "How soon can you castrate him." Not that there was any hostility there at all. Fortunately, they didn't take everything. That was left to my ex-wife.

  4. harry_palmer

    I know a mohel who saved the foreskins and made wallets out of them. If you rub the wallet, it becomes a suitcase.

    1. finallyhappy

      Did you hear that late night at the Concord when Concord was still "THE" place to go???

      1. mereoblivion

        I heard it at the Battle of Lexington and Concord (New Hampshire–wait, New Jersey!) .

  5. Gopherit

    Yay! Finally, a foolproof way of excluding women from being on the ballot for president! Sandwiches and pot pies for everyone!

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      Now if it were possible to legislate proof of land ownership, and the good old days are here again!

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Isn't this a bit misogynistic? I mean what do women have to show – an old piece of placenta stamped with Made in USA?

    Oh haha – I furgot – the wimenfolks aren't qualified to be in charge of AmeriKKKA.

  7. proudgrampa

    This is a joke, right? We've been punked, right? April Fool's was 2 weeks ago.

    I need a drink.

  8. emmelemm

    I went to the linked article, and looked at the example of a bris certificate – it's got funny writing on it and shit! What is that, A-rabic?

    (Also, Firefox spellchecker no thinkee bris is a word.)

  9. horsedreamer_1

    I see a new line as a travelling-salesman for the driver of the minivan I was behind a coupla days ago (licence plate read MOHEL).

    Drive to Arizona, my Hasidic friend.

  10. nounverb911

    "If you cant find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice"
    So its okay to sext Jan Brewer now?

  11. AZW88

    New motto for the Presidential Elections in Arizona.
    "If your citizenship is in doubt, You must whip it out.
    Got no foreskin, then you're in.
    extra skin's still in place?, you're outta the rac!e"

  12. DustBowlBlues

    You know that old cliche about when things get really nuts and people say, "The Inmates have taken over asylum"? At this point in the spread of Teabaggery zaniness, I think that would be an improvement.

    And those aluminum foil hats might block out the transmissions from Hate Talk Radio.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      More proof (as if it mattered to them) that Obama is not Muslin since they are circumsized.

  13. ArmoredBore

    Penis obsession/envy in a place that is violently afraid of teh gayz? Sure, fine, whatever ya like.

    If any of you need me, I'll be in my happy place.

  14. JustPixelz

    I get it, an official document from the State of Hawaii that says it is "prima facie evidence of facts of birth" is insufficient. But certificate of bris, though charming, is OK. Why don't the birthers write the law they really want: THE NAME "BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA" SHALL NOT BE PERMITTED ON THE BALLOT. ESPECIALLY THE HUSSEIN PART."

  15. metamarcisf

    That circumcision thing has always been on my bucket list but till now I never had much reason to pursue it. But as Al Franken used to say on SNL: "Did you hear about the rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions? He took tips."

  16. BornInATrailer

    As a uncircumcised, unbaptized man that was born at (mobile) home, my presidential aspirations have taken a sound beating this week.

    1. natoslug

      I take solace in being white. I am uncut, my parents never bothered to put my name on my birth certificate, and I occasionally find myself in sexual situations where there are too many people for the "family values" crowd to be comfortable or even condoning, but my whiteness (well, kind of pinkish, actually) should guarantee me a place on the ballot. Assuming my shiftlessness and general lack of interest in presidenting or whatever can ever be overcome.

  17. ThundercatHo

    But what about the Jewish Messicans? That gives them little suckers like an extra week or so to sneak their anchor babies 'cross the border and into the nearest 24 hr discount Temple. Juan Epstein 2012!

    1. BornInATrailer

      Huh?

      Oh, geez, no! I was only born in filth and squalor in a mobile home, not in Mobile. Thank the heavens. There are some beginnings from which a young man just can't recover.

  18. BornInATrailer

    Passed the state senate, previously passed the house.

    Guess we'll find out if Jan Brewer likes uncut men.

  19. mereoblivion

    When you submit the Proof Of Foreskin Or Rather Lack Thereof to the erection official, it helps to attach a modest bribe. In honor of Maricopa's newest celebrity, this ceremony is called Bris-toll Payin'.

  20. 4tehlulz_lite

    So if I whip out my Jewcock at the AZ secretary of state's office, I can be on the ballot?

  21. carlgt1

    of course once you show your bris certificate in AZ, you are handed a convenient yellow star to wear on your person for easy identification

  22. MinAgain

    So, to be president, you have to born in the U.S., and you have to be born with a penis.

    In other words, same old, same old.

  23. DaRooster

    Candidates for prez can just shove your cock down Jan Brewer's mouf? She can taste the cirCUMcision.

  24. pinkocommi

    "No Birth Certificate? Arizona Will Accept Your Bris Certificate"

    But then we are going to need to see your cock to confirm that the foreskin is actually missing and that there is a little "certified" stamp on the cock tip, just to be sure.

    1. poncho_pilot

      we need to check for alien brain surgery scars, too. i know a lot of guys who act like their brain is in their cock.

    1. CalamityJames

      Yes, which will entitle them to one (1) free Kenmore stove with their choice of white, black, or stainless finish.

  25. WinterOuthouse

    Jan Brewer suspects her husband has a dick, however she needs a road map to find it.

  26. pinkocommi

    It is worrying how much the right-wing nut jobs are bothered by the idea of anchor babies, but anchor foreskins? No problem.

  27. ttommyunger

    Wanting their only son to be unique, my parents had me circumcised with Pinking Shears. Will a note from my seamstress do?

  28. iburl

    I think what these Arizona Republitards are trying to say is that if Obama cuts off his black dick that they will allow him to run for president.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      That's a "certificate" from one of those Christian sects that acts like they are a bit Jewish so that when and if the messiah comes they can make sure they're included in all the fun and games, a religion for transbelievers, I guess. No Jew would use anything like that, for Moses' sake! Oi!

  29. Dudleydidwrong

    I don't have mine any longer. The doc said he needed it because he was going fishing when he finished the little act. Don't know if he caught anything with it, but…

Comments are closed.