WHIP IT OUT OBAMA  12:08 pm April 15, 2011

No Birth Certificate? Arizona Will Accept Your Bris Certificate

by Ken Layne

Good news for circumcised Jewish men who wish to become the American President: Just bring whatever piece of paper the random drunken mohel gave your mother at your Brit milah back when you were eight days old, and you can be on the Arizona ballot.

New Times reports from Phoenix:

If you can’t find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice.

A circumcision certificate — a document given to the parents of a male Jewish child after his foreskin is snipped off during a circumcision ceremony — is not a legal document (see an example of one here) but if you have one, under the amended bill, it’s apparently enough to prove you’re a U.S. citizen and your name can be permitted on the ballot in Arizona.

Thanks to Wonkette operative “C.D.”


Hola wonkerados.

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Barbara_i April 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

I don't have a bris certificate. I do have a receipt signed, "go ahead, keep the tip" I guess I should have saved it, eh?

edgydrifter April 15, 2011 at 12:12 pm

A signed receipt from Golden Corral will also be considered valid proof of citizenship.

ifthethunderdontgetya April 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

This is excellent news!

For our next Pretendisent, Joe Lieberman!

OC_No Soaps!!_Serf April 15, 2011 at 12:18 pm

What, another Jewish President??

and we all know who else wanted a Jewish Leader…

horsedreamer_1 April 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm


$exy$murf April 15, 2011 at 12:20 pm

Bizarro Hitler?

Preferred Customer April 15, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Did Bizarro Hitler have a soul patch instead of a moustache?

horsedreamer_1 April 15, 2011 at 12:46 pm

& enjoyed Louis Armstrong, rather than Wagner.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 15, 2011 at 2:20 pm

He also built concentration camps where Jews were well feed and taken care of before being put into positions of powers.

GuyClinch April 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

The ghost of Sammy Davis Jr's eyeball?

SayItWithWookies April 15, 2011 at 12:37 pm

Al Gore?

Schmannnity April 15, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Abraham Moshe Lincoln?

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 15, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Every Hollywood studio, and half the firms on Wall Street?

TanzbodenKoenig April 15, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Is that you, Rick Sanchez?

TanzbodenKoenig April 15, 2011 at 2:26 pm

Frank Herbert?

Gratuitous World April 15, 2011 at 12:19 pm

cue the provision allowing Maricopa county officers to demand proof of dong skin (or lack thereof) to avoid detention.

Barbara_i April 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

I am completely against circumcision after reading my husband's baby book. He had it done the day after he was born and it turns out the poor little guy couldn't walk for a year after that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq April 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

I was born back in the era when they gave women happy drugs during birth. Apparently my mother asked the doctors after my birth "How soon can you castrate him." Not that there was any hostility there at all. Fortunately, they didn't take everything. That was left to my ex-wife.

harry_palmer April 15, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I know a mohel who saved the foreskins and made wallets out of them. If you rub the wallet, it becomes a suitcase.

finallyhappy April 15, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Did you hear that late night at the Concord when Concord was still "THE" place to go???

mereoblivion April 15, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I heard it at the Battle of Lexington and Concord (New Hampshire–wait, New Jersey!) .

Gopherit April 15, 2011 at 12:23 pm

Yay! Finally, a foolproof way of excluding women from being on the ballot for president! Sandwiches and pot pies for everyone!

KeepFnThatChicken April 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

Now if it were possible to legislate proof of land ownership, and the good old days are here again!

DahBoner April 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

Trannies are still OK


SayItWithWookies April 15, 2011 at 12:23 pm

So Bret Favre is running for president?

OkieDokieDog April 15, 2011 at 12:24 pm

Isn't this a bit misogynistic? I mean what do women have to show – an old piece of placenta stamped with Made in USA?

Oh haha – I furgot – the wimenfolks aren't qualified to be in charge of AmeriKKKA.

nounverb911 April 15, 2011 at 12:27 pm

Oy, it was such a shanda! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel. It's so chewy.

finallyhappy April 15, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Thank you, Mrs Doubtfire!

proudgrampa April 15, 2011 at 12:29 pm

This is a joke, right? We've been punked, right? April Fool's was 2 weeks ago.

I need a drink.

emmelemm April 15, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I went to the linked article, and looked at the example of a bris certificate – it's got funny writing on it and shit! What is that, A-rabic?

(Also, Firefox spellchecker no thinkee bris is a word.)

Ken Layne April 15, 2011 at 1:21 pm

You know who made Firefox his default browser, don't you?

horsedreamer_1 April 15, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I see a new line as a travelling-salesman for the driver of the minivan I was behind a coupla days ago (licence plate read MOHEL).

Drive to Arizona, my Hasidic friend.

nounverb911 April 15, 2011 at 12:31 pm

"If you cant find your birth certificate, and you have a penis, a document describing your lack of foreskin will suffice"
So its okay to sext Jan Brewer now?

nounverb911 April 15, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Mohel/recent#ixzz1Jbtq1

AZW88 April 15, 2011 at 12:34 pm

New motto for the Presidential Elections in Arizona.
"If your citizenship is in doubt, You must whip it out.
Got no foreskin, then you're in.
extra skin's still in place?, you're outta the rac!e"

VaWyo April 15, 2011 at 12:35 pm

Unless your penis is black, in which case it will not be accepted.

CliveWarren April 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

"I'm sorry sir, but this is just too long-form."

DustBowlBlues April 15, 2011 at 12:38 pm

You know that old cliche about when things get really nuts and people say, "The Inmates have taken over asylum"? At this point in the spread of Teabaggery zaniness, I think that would be an improvement.

And those aluminum foil hats might block out the transmissions from Hate Talk Radio.

hagajim April 15, 2011 at 12:48 pm

I guess women can't run then eh? Sorry Jan.

GregComlish April 15, 2011 at 12:48 pm

Why it's almost as if the Birthers had a deeply personal fear of Obama's uncut cock

Oblios_Cap April 15, 2011 at 12:58 pm

He might ram it down their throats!

widestanceroman April 15, 2011 at 1:37 pm

One upfist for you, many up-and-down fists for me.

Rosie_Scenario April 15, 2011 at 1:32 pm

More proof (as if it mattered to them) that Obama is not Muslin since they are circumsized.

DahBoner April 16, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Muslims are circumsized?


Hey, wait a minute!!!!

What kind of dang deal is this legislation in Sharia-controlled Aridzoneuh?

Muslims are currently the largest single religious group to practice widespread circumcision

zhubajie April 16, 2011 at 9:30 pm

Penis envy!

ArmoredBore April 15, 2011 at 12:54 pm

Penis obsession/envy in a place that is violently afraid of teh gayz? Sure, fine, whatever ya like.

If any of you need me, I'll be in my happy place.

jonzin April 15, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Alright, I'm all about building the damn wall now. Around Arizona. the fuck?

JustPixelz April 15, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I get it, an official document from the State of Hawaii that says it is "prima facie evidence of facts of birth" is insufficient. But certificate of bris, though charming, is OK. Why don't the birthers write the law they really want: THE NAME "BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA" SHALL NOT BE PERMITTED ON THE BALLOT. ESPECIALLY THE HUSSEIN PART."

PsycWench April 17, 2011 at 4:06 pm

I think the law they have in mind involves the one-drop rule.

metamarcisf April 15, 2011 at 1:07 pm

That circumcision thing has always been on my bucket list but till now I never had much reason to pursue it. But as Al Franken used to say on SNL: "Did you hear about the rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions? He took tips."

BornInATrailer April 15, 2011 at 1:34 pm

As a uncircumcised, unbaptized man that was born at (mobile) home, my presidential aspirations have taken a sound beating this week.

natoslug April 15, 2011 at 2:59 pm

I take solace in being white. I am uncut, my parents never bothered to put my name on my birth certificate, and I occasionally find myself in sexual situations where there are too many people for the "family values" crowd to be comfortable or even condoning, but my whiteness (well, kind of pinkish, actually) should guarantee me a place on the ballot. Assuming my shiftlessness and general lack of interest in presidenting or whatever can ever be overcome.

ThundercatHo April 15, 2011 at 1:40 pm

But what about the Jewish Messicans? That gives them little suckers like an extra week or so to sneak their anchor babies 'cross the border and into the nearest 24 hr discount Temple. Juan Epstein 2012!

gullywompr April 15, 2011 at 11:22 pm

"Hey, Mr. Kotter, I got a note!"

James Michael Curley April 15, 2011 at 1:41 pm

You have a xerox copy of your foreskin?

mereoblivion April 15, 2011 at 1:43 pm

But you're from Alabama so you're bound to bounce back.

BornInATrailer April 15, 2011 at 2:48 pm


Oh, geez, no! I was only born in filth and squalor in a mobile home, not in Mobile. Thank the heavens. There are some beginnings from which a young man just can't recover.

BornInATrailer April 15, 2011 at 1:44 pm

Passed the state senate, previously passed the house.

Guess we'll find out if Jan Brewer likes uncut men.

mavenmaven April 15, 2011 at 1:47 pm

Wait till they find out that Moslems circumcise as well! Oh oh!!!

mereoblivion April 15, 2011 at 1:51 pm

When you submit the Proof Of Foreskin Or Rather Lack Thereof to the erection official, it helps to attach a modest bribe. In honor of Maricopa's newest celebrity, this ceremony is called Bris-toll Payin'.

4tehlulz_lite April 15, 2011 at 2:02 pm

So if I whip out my Jewcock at the AZ secretary of state's office, I can be on the ballot?

carlgt1 April 15, 2011 at 2:03 pm

of course once you show your bris certificate in AZ, you are handed a convenient yellow star to wear on your person for easy identification

AJW@[redacted] April 15, 2011 at 2:24 pm

And the word Juden scrawled above your door.

MinAgain April 15, 2011 at 2:14 pm

So, to be president, you have to born in the U.S., and you have to be born with a penis.

In other words, same old, same old.

ManchuCandidate April 15, 2011 at 2:34 pm

What about Belt Buckles? They should count, too.

DahBoner April 16, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Only if they have the State of Texas on the buckle.

Or "TCB"…

Chillwaver April 15, 2011 at 2:43 pm

Would my "Certificate of Live Foreskin" suffice?

DaRooster April 15, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Candidates for prez can just shove your cock down Jan Brewer's mouf? She can taste the cirCUMcision.

pinkocommi April 15, 2011 at 3:11 pm

"No Birth Certificate? Arizona Will Accept Your Bris Certificate"

But then we are going to need to see your cock to confirm that the foreskin is actually missing and that there is a little "certified" stamp on the cock tip, just to be sure.

poncho_pilot April 15, 2011 at 3:50 pm

we need to check for alien brain surgery scars, too. i know a lot of guys who act like their brain is in their cock.

WinterOuthouse April 15, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Will they give clit certificates to women?

pinkocommi April 15, 2011 at 3:27 pm

For piercings.

CalamityJames April 15, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Yes, which will entitle them to one (1) free Kenmore stove with their choice of white, black, or stainless finish.

WinterOuthouse April 15, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Jesus H Christ how did these idiots find their way out of the paper bag?

zhubajie April 16, 2011 at 9:32 pm

It's a big bag, the size of AZ.

WinterOuthouse April 15, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Jan Brewer suspects her husband has a dick, however she needs a road map to find it.

pinkocommi April 15, 2011 at 3:30 pm

It is worrying how much the right-wing nut jobs are bothered by the idea of anchor babies, but anchor foreskins? No problem.

randcoolcatdaddy April 15, 2011 at 3:57 pm

Oy vey…

PubOption April 15, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Religious test for public office?

ttommyunger April 15, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Wanting their only son to be unique, my parents had me circumcised with Pinking Shears. Will a note from my seamstress do?

iburl April 15, 2011 at 7:35 pm

I think what these Arizona Republitards are trying to say is that if Obama cuts off his black dick that they will allow him to run for president.

drrty_martini April 15, 2011 at 7:42 pm

What kind of "bris certificate" has Luke 2:12 on the bottom? That's fucked. Up.

Dudleydidwrong April 16, 2011 at 9:49 pm

That's a "certificate" from one of those Christian sects that acts like they are a bit Jewish so that when and if the messiah comes they can make sure they're included in all the fun and games, a religion for transbelievers, I guess. No Jew would use anything like that, for Moses' sake! Oi!

gullywompr April 15, 2011 at 11:46 pm

Wow, I haven't thought about John Wayne Bobbit in years!

smokefilledfetus April 16, 2011 at 12:26 am

Way to wave the 'Jews Welcome' banner, Arizona! Wow, I'm impressed!

crunk4jesus April 16, 2011 at 4:01 pm

Yeah, I gotchyer long firm birth certificate.

Dudleydidwrong April 16, 2011 at 9:26 pm

I don't have mine any longer. The doc said he needed it because he was going fishing when he finished the little act. Don't know if he caught anything with it, but…

zhubajie April 16, 2011 at 9:28 pm

What about those fortunate male Americans who have not been circumcized?

zhubajie April 16, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Female circumcision now required?

Dudleydidwrong April 16, 2011 at 9:53 pm

If this matter goes to court I predict a hung jury.

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