inside smells like fresh-baked paultard

Own a ‘Great Piece of History': Buy Ron Paul’s Dumpy House

Well, this is embarrassing. Ron Paul had an investment that wasn’t gold? FOR SALE!
Mmm! Free market-y!
You too can fuck where Ron Paul fucked his wife for decades and jerk off where Rand Paul jerked off for the very first time! Only $325,000!

There are a bunch of pictures of the pool and nothing else, so either the inside of Ron Paul’s house is a Hoarders situation, or he and his family have lived in a swimming pool in somebody’s backyard for 42 years. [buyronpaulshouse.com]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • ablington

    But does it have a pool?

  • Barbara_i

    I bet Rand Paul peed in that pool for years. Probably off the top of that garish looking slide though.

    • harry_palmer

      While an undocumented Mexican was trying to clean it.

      • Barbara_i

        Downfister got ya, sorry. I did what I could to make you whole again.

        • harry_palmer

          I wonder what his tiny little brain would make of the fact (if he actually read these comments, which I'm sure he doesn't) that people probably end up with more upfists than they would have gotten had he just gone somewhere else and left us alone.

          • Crank_Tango

            why did I picture phoebe cates getting out of that pool in her red bathing suit, and…

          • DaRooster

            And Rand as Brad in the bathroom…

          • Crank_Tango

            Dressed like a pirate/minuteman, whatever.

  • OkieDokieDog

    How many illegals does it include? I'd need a pool boy.

  • harry_palmer

    That's not a pool, it's a shrine to Aqua Buddha.

    • GeneralTapioca

      Soon it will be a shrine to Dr. Paul if the Paulestinians have their way:

      We should buy it !
      Submitted by celeste on Thu, 04/14/2011 – 15:11.

      This will be a historical site someday. We'll use it as a time share. Me first

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    that's not a pool – it's a gigantic toilet for his son.

  • SmutBoffin

    ProudPaultard now has someplace to keep his Ameros and Ron Paul action figures.

  • CliveWarren

    You know what, Ron… Throw in that Angela Lansbury you're cuddling for some reason and it's a deal.

    • Limeylizzie

      Don't be mean to Angela , I worship her, I think Mrs. Paul is more a Shelley Winters type.

  • SorosBot

    For Sale*

    *Whites only

    • CliveWarren

      "A great house and a great piece of history"

      In the sense that Jim Crow laws fully apply at the kitchen counter.

    • nounverb911

      What about Barry White?

  • $exy$murf

    Future home of Galt's Gulch and Water Park.

    • nounverb911

      Is this where Midas Mulligan buried his gold?

  • nounverb911

    Ron Paul finally gave up looking for the pot of gold the leprechauns said they left.

    • poncho_pilot

      now, now. leave Kucinich out of this.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    Living in a swimming pool? Maybe there is something to the Aqua Buddha story after all.

  • metamarcisf

    I was born in the house my father built.

  • arihaya

    this house should get a treatment similar with that Fukushima place

    • nounverb911

      The house is well within tsunami distance to the Gulf of Messico.

  • edgydrifter

    The Casa de Ameros is on the market? Dr. Ron must have finally finished the living quarters at his fake-volcano blimpatorium.

  • DashboardTrombone

    As an insurance agent, I can tell you that a slide at a swimming pool is bad mojo. None of my companies will write for a home with a slide. So, either Paul lied about it or his agent was doing him a "favor".

    • DownFist Troll

      Free market at work! The invisible hand decides who lives and who dies!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, ya rarely see one with a diving board anymore, even. Fucking litigious society!

  • $exy$murf

    where Rand Paul jerked off for the very first time!

    Does his crusty copy of The Fountainhead come with the house?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Has to be a hoarders situation (seeing as living in a pool, presumably cholorinated, would be quite the disinfectant).

    Or are Libertarians against chloridation in pools, same as they're against fluoridation of the municipal water supply?

  • Gopherit

    Jesus! 5500 sq feet for $325K? Does the pool double as a septic tank? It the community all galt's gulch like and you can only get to it by pack mule because no one wants to pay for roads?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It's in Lake Jackson, along the Gulf Coast, the Petrochemical Riviera of Texas, and an outlying shithole in the greater Houston–Sugar Land– Baytown Shitroplex.

      Edit: Whoops, didn't read down all the way to Gravitas' geography lesson.

    • SorosBot

      Huh? $325K is a pretty expensive house; yeah it's not a million-dollar mansion but that costs a hell of a lot; you'd expect something big.

  • Crank_Tango

    well what with all the jerking off in the pool jokes here, all I can think of , after phoebe cates anyway, is that adam sandler skit from his tape..tape? where she's all "jiggle yer balls for momma"

    anyone?

    • horsedreamer_1

      We're all gonna laugh at you!

  • hagajim

    How about the Dung Heap of History?

  • SorosBot

    I'm shocked that Ron Paul is asking for $325,000, because that's in the fiat currency of dollars, and not gooooold.

    • doloras

      "How much is a cigarette?"
      "Five cents in gold."
      "How much is that in paper money?"
      "You couldn't afford it."

      – Atlas Shrugged

  • JackDempsey1

    What the hell.
    *CURVY* slides are elitist. Slide straight down like an American, jerk.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Blimp dock included? Or is this one of those deals where he's stripping out the copper wiring when he goes?

  • Boredw/Gravitas

    His house is in Lake Jackson, TX, a very few miles from lots of petrochemical refineries that daily spew forth their filth. That's probably why the Pauls are the way they are.

    • Limeylizzie

      The Stinky Triangle? Beaumont-Port Arthur and isn't the third leg Lake Jackson.

      • poncho_pilot

        probably nearby Freeport is the third leg. Lake Jackson is the lone testicle.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Explains Janis Joplin, & why Jimmy Johnson ('Canes, 'Boys) needed so much plastic surgery.

      • Boredw/Gravitas

        Actually Lake jackson is quite a ways from there. Orange is the third leg of the Stinky Triangle (it's actually a city, not just an unnatural skin color).

        • Limeylizzie

          Oh tht's right, Orange. God that whole area is a hellhole.

    • fartknocker

      Interesting factoid about Lake Jackson. The town was built by Dow Chemical to house the workers at the nearby chemical plant. The other interesting fact is the street naming convention. All streets that orignate in downtown Lake Jackson end in the word Way. There is an intersection of "This Way" and "That Way."

      I know, its Way goofy, but those engineers at Dow at least had a sense of humor.

      • TJBeck

        Yea, I used to live in Lake Jackson. Not much there. It was kinda fun to drive down to Surfside Beach every weekend, but that got old. I always thought that in addition to This Way, That Way, Circle Way and Parking Way, they should have made Curds 'n Way. Surprisingly, Ron Paul wasn't my rep until Texas redistricting was forced though by in 2002. My representation switched from Tom Delay to Ron Paul… yeah… at least in Ron Paul's district you got a birthday card every year.

        This Way and That Way: http://www.panoramio.com/photo/4395661

      • comrad_darkness

        those engineers at Dow at least had a sense of humor
        That would explain the Bhopal Joke Book.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Houseloveution?

  • WinterOuthouse

    I'm not paying $325,000. for a damn pool. It is probably filled with water specially imported from Fukushima Power Plant. Son's of Bitches!

    • poncho_pilot

      they've got enough contaminated water in nearby Oyster Creek. or from the "lake" they're building.

    • comrad_darkness

      Hey, market signals indicated it was the very bestest of pool waters, because it was the cheapest. Hell, they paid them to take it!

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    It's a rational self-interest slide. It goes to exactly what you're entitled to and fucks everyone else on the way.

  • poncho_pilot

    my wife is from Lake Jackson, TX and i've been there many times. i really want to know where the nice houses are because that town is kind of a dump.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    If it doesn't come with a blimp, that is a deal killer.

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    And can you image the amount of bondage porn you will have to clear out of that place?

    • Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Downfister has hit me. Apparently he is upset with the idea that you would get rid of the bondage porn.

      • LetUsBray

        Well, it stands to reason the Pauls would have only top-quality bondage porn.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Mandingo?

  • poncho_pilot

    $325K to shit in Ron Paul's broken toilet? what a deal!

  • ThundercatHo

    Some questions for the sellers:
    Is this a gaited community? (i.e. whites only)
    Does it come with a hot, muscular, shirtless pool boy?
    Will property values go up or down when Texas secedes from the union?

  • glamourdammerung

    Has Obama ruined the toilet there yet like he did over at Rand's house (according to Rand anyway)?

  • pinkocommi

    I'm bringing a UV light to the inspection to find all the jism stains on the walls.

  • One_Man_Band

    I know! Except for the pool it looks like my parents house. (And they managed to get it without spending their entire careers being parasites, leaching off productive Amurkin citizens by working for the government all their lives. Like Ron Paul!)

  • BZ1

    Is this where he got randy?

  • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

    Does it have a nuclear bunker filled with stuck together Ayn Rand novels and a hydroponics system with Aqua Buddha stickers on it, you know, for growing tomatoes.

  • zhubajie

    So why is he selling? Where is he going?

  • HuddledMass

    Rilly — He sold his soul for that?