Why He Runs: Rick Santorum’s Own ‘Fetus Jar’ Story

  necrophilia

Never thought about it, but where do you think they kept the fetus' body in this? Is it in the doll?It’s been some time since Rick Santorum has been relevant to politics (NOTE: he still isn’t), so it’s easy to forget the stupid things he’s said about his main issues, protecting the fetuses and attacking the gays. Here’s something we forgot about: Santorum has his very own fetus story, but unlike Barbara Bush, when his wife miscarried in 1996, they didn’t stick the thing in a jar and put it on display. Santorum wrapped the dead fetus in a blanket, took it out of the hospital, and “spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel [the fetus] with his three siblings.” Sure, a miscarriage is a sad and rather strange experience for anyone to suffer, but, uh: “They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass.” That should be a cute family album to show primary voters! What kind of clothes did they dress it up in? Did they make the fetus the altar boy?

EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH of the first half or so of this old Washington Post story is just golden.

“That’s my little guy,” Santorum says, pointing to the photo of Gabriel, in which his tiny physique is framed by his father’s hand. The senator often speaks of his late son in the present tense. It is a rare instance in which he talks softly.

Sounds like somebody’s already picked a running mate! He really does seem to love that dead fetus more than anyone in his family.

Not a “fetus,” either, as Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described — “a 20-week-old fetus” — on a hospital form. They changed the form to read “20-week-old baby.”

How dare the hospital use medical terms for their medicine?

Santorum’s wife wrote and published a book of letters to the fetus. You know, some light reading for when the dead fetus is at the beach or whatever.

“When the partial-birth abortion vote comes to the floor of the U.S. Senate for the third time,” Karen writes to Gabriel, “your daddy needs to proclaim God’s message for life with even more strength and devotion to the cause.”

Must have been able to read at a pretty high level for a dead fetus.

He often speaks of the “coincidences” that occurred during Karen’s pregnancy with Gabriel. “It struck me that if God is into sending messages, then I was getting some,” Santorum says.

“I like this fetus more than your other spawn, so I’m going to show it mercy by killing it before it has to be raised by you,” God said.

Finally, here’s the Rick we know and love:

Former Democratic senator Bob Kerrey once wondered whether Santorum is “Latin for [anus].”

[WP via Gawker]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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