Why He Runs: Rick Santorum’s Own ‘Fetus Jar’ Story

Never thought about it, but where do you think they kept the fetus' body in this? Is it in the doll?It’s been some time since Rick Santorum has been relevant to politics (NOTE: he still isn’t), so it’s easy to forget the stupid things he’s said about his main issues, protecting the fetuses and attacking the gays. Here’s something we forgot about: Santorum has his very own fetus story, but unlike Barbara Bush, when his wife miscarried in 1996, they didn’t stick the thing in a jar and put it on display. Santorum wrapped the dead fetus in a blanket, took it out of the hospital, and “spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel [the fetus] with his three siblings.” Sure, a miscarriage is a sad and rather strange experience for anyone to suffer, but, uh: “They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass.” That should be a cute family album to show primary voters! What kind of clothes did they dress it up in? Did they make the fetus the altar boy?

EVERY SINGLE PARAGRAPH of the first half or so of this old Washington Post story is just golden.

“That’s my little guy,” Santorum says, pointing to the photo of Gabriel, in which his tiny physique is framed by his father’s hand. The senator often speaks of his late son in the present tense. It is a rare instance in which he talks softly.

Sounds like somebody’s already picked a running mate! He really does seem to love that dead fetus more than anyone in his family.

Not a “fetus,” either, as Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described — “a 20-week-old fetus” — on a hospital form. They changed the form to read “20-week-old baby.”

How dare the hospital use medical terms for their medicine?

Santorum’s wife wrote and published a book of letters to the fetus. You know, some light reading for when the dead fetus is at the beach or whatever.

“When the partial-birth abortion vote comes to the floor of the U.S. Senate for the third time,” Karen writes to Gabriel, “your daddy needs to proclaim God’s message for life with even more strength and devotion to the cause.”

Must have been able to read at a pretty high level for a dead fetus.

He often speaks of the “coincidences” that occurred during Karen’s pregnancy with Gabriel. “It struck me that if God is into sending messages, then I was getting some,” Santorum says.

“I like this fetus more than your other spawn, so I’m going to show it mercy by killing it before it has to be raised by you,” God said.

Finally, here’s the Rick we know and love:

Former Democratic senator Bob Kerrey once wondered whether Santorum is “Latin for [anus].”

[WP via Gawker]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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    1. HateMachine

      Let's just say that no child wishes to receive presents for the anniversary of his or her parents fucking. Especially not Rick Santorum's children.

        1. genxr

          Seems the age should be negative counting down, like a year.BC, or in this case BMC (before miscarriage)

    2. Boojum_Reborn

      Why would they celebrate a birthday for a child who was actually born? Those are reserved for the evolutionary culls, the waste products of failed conception, the Santorum of the reproductive process, as it were.

    3. OneDollarJuana

      Well, let's do the math. Most of their kids were born the "normal" way, I'm guessing. That is, 9 months gestation. One year is 1.33 times the gestation period. Applying that ratio to Junior, we get (20 weeks) x 1.33 = 26.6 weeks. Thus, the Santorums have a little birthday party twice a year!

      Jeez, the other kids must be jealous.

      1. tessiee

        A high school friend of mine celebrated her "half birthday" six months after her actual birthday, which at the time I thought was a great idea. Now, not so much.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Fetus / Fetus 2012

      Naturally, Fetus Bush tops the ticket, if there was any confusion about that.

      When asked to comment, President Obama replied, "No Fetus can beat us."

  1. DaSandman

    Why didn't they just eat poor 20 week old flesh mass "The Gabester" and have it's power forever and ever inside them? Do it yourself communion indeed.

    At this point, the neighbors have got to be real fucking nervous…

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            Technically, the only cannibalism allowed in the Catholic faith is when you eat Jesus, at communion.

  2. EdFlintstone

    The Addams family wasn't that creepy. I bet they kept it away from the family dog.

    Santorum/Necrophilia 2012

  3. Gratuitous World

    it's kind of like how every hollywood actress of a certain age has a story about fucking Scott Baio.
    And so it will be for 21st century conservatives and their pickled fetuses.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Wait, do you mean as in having sex with Scott Baio, or that Scott Baio is a real jerk?

    1. Bonzos_Bed_Time

      I tend to toss mine out the window and onto the parking lot, but whatever works for you.

      1. pukebot

        i tell them, you're all my favorite little pukebots. you're all precious and unique in the eyes of god.

          1. finallyhappy

            do you know bat semen lives for months(inside the bat) but that is way longer than humans)? Don't even ask how I know this- but hey, it comes in useful

    2. Radio_Level_7

      Wait, you robots "fill up" rubber. Damn, are you that productive or do you just re-use them?

      1. DahBoner

        All unemployed hobos always reuse their condoms until full, then recycle them on The John Boner Front Yard Waste Recycling Center

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Verbatim discussion of cave geology, from an essay written by a 4th-grader (not my kid, I hasten to add):

      "Stagtmines are formed by a build-up for many years of a mineral called cowsemen."

  4. PsycWench

    I felt sorry for them at first and was all "however they deal with it is up to them" until they started working for some serious political points. When it got to Daddy and the partial birth abortion vote I was so disgusted I wondered if they'd maim an existing child if it garnered the precious handicapped childs' parent vote.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Seriously, if they aren't nervous, they either sedated, retarded, or as warped as daddy.

      1. genxr

        Gosh I can't think of any now but I'll go find some and bring 'em back to you.

        (jokes, not dead babies)

    1. SorosBot

      The Santorums' own actions with the fetus break the bounds of good taste further than any joke we could make.

    2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Q: How many dead Santorum babies does it take to change a light bulb?

      A: None, because those goddamn pig-tail compact fluorescent bulbs never burn out!

      (Shall I continue?)

  5. Gopherit

    We've all seen this family. I am sure it wasn't a miscarriage……it was the sweet oblivion of suicide.

  6. donner_froh

    Kissing a dead fetus–maybe you convince yourself it slipped you a bit of tongue–sure orgasm for Santorum and and the rest of the right to "life" movement.

  7. Baconzgood

    “spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel [the fetus] with his three siblings.”


    1. UpFistTroll

      I was going to say, there are very few things that actually squick me these days (thank you, Internet), but that image is one of the few that literally make me shudder with incredulous horror.

        1. backbaconzgood

          Serious….That is not the action of a normal father. I'm a father of two and no where near normal (just ask Super-Dude and Worm Boy) and that is just….Abuse. Pure mental abuse. No grey area about that in my opinion. If my ex would have done that to my kids I'd of had a restraining order on her ass faster than you can say "get that crazy mo-fo away from my children".

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    Did they tie off the umbilical cord, or did the play kickball with the placenta with dead baby still attached?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Or paddleball.

      Or that game where you try to get the placenta back on Gabe's head just by swinging it on the cord.

      Or Clackers.

      Or like the Slinky Dog.

      Or like a bolo.

  9. Gopherit

    If there were any justice, that whore Mrs Santorum would be in jail for not properly keeping her fetus uterus-ensconced.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      Yeah, isn't a state legislature considering some kind of "fetus police" to investigate miscarriages? CSI: Uterus.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Ohio had fetuses (fetii? (like the cheese??)) testify before a select committee of the Buckeye State's legi.

    2. mourningnmerica

      I suggest we use the government to try this woman to make her prove that she did not abort the fetus. She probably did. She was feeling just like Diane Keaton in "The Godfather".

      "This all has to stop here now, this 'Republican Thing', Rick."

  10. Boojum_Reborn

    "Must have been able to read at a pretty high level for a dead fetus."

    Or a live Teabagger.

  11. Dudleydidwrong

    A miscarriage is sad. But Santorum of Santorumland is himself a miscarriage. When he votes and acts to SUPPORT CHILDREN ALREADY BORN then I'll have a modicum of sympathy for the bastard. Otherwise he's just another sick politician who makes use of a sad event for political reasons. I'll bet that someday he'll have his picture taken with his whole crying family on stage with him. Oh, wait…

    (Sorry for the all caps, but sometimes you gotta shout to get through to these dorks.)

  12. harry_palmer

    Aborting oneself rather than going through life in that family was an extreme, but understandable, act.

  13. Swampgas_Man

    Is little Gabriel available to date Barbara Bush's fetus-in-a-jar? That'd guarantee a White House wedding!

    Santorum stories always descend from Ecchh to Horrible Weeping Noises pretty quickly.

  14. pinkocommi

    “They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass.”

    If only the Westboro Baptist Church knew of the Mass, they could have held a protest with their "God Hates Fags" signs. Or maybe something more topical, like "God Miscarried Your Baby in Punishment for Abortion." That's quite catchy.

  15. smashaduck

    Odd, he didn't strike me as the kind of dick who texts pictures of his latest massive shit brick to his buddies. But even those assholes don't wrap the turd in a blanky and sing to it.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Sometimes He's runny
      Sometimes he's firm
      Sometimes he practically water.
      Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass
      And wont fall in the toilet
      'Cause he's just clinging to your sphincter
      And he wont drop off .. and so you shake your ass around
      And try to get it to drop in the toilet and finally it does.

      Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
      When Christmas leaves he must leave too.
      Flush him down but he's never gone
      His smell and his spirit linger on.

    2. emmelemm

      I am "old", so I went to college before the "texting" phenomenon, but my college boyfriend lived in a frat, and one time another frat guy ran in and said, "Dude, dude, you gotta see this!", and yes, it was a massive shit he'd just taken.

      Good times!

  16. Giveusabob

    In Victorian times it was common for families to get staged, professional photos with their recently deceased infants, which were dressed to appear lifelike and full of joie de vie.

    I think our culture has since misplaced something important in the intervening century.

    1. UpFistTroll

      YES, THANK YOU, this is exactly what I was trying to recall. I saw photos of that sort on a website once, and they gave me the exact same feeling that reading Santorum's fetus story did.

      1. Giveusabob

        An important detail was the old-timey families usually waited until they had an actual baby (alive or dead) before hiring a photographer. Enshrining a fetus seems to go even a step beyond George Carlin's "diaper sniffers."

        Unless you want to go the Steampunk route, in which case, carry on sir!

  17. comrad_darkness

    People deal with grief in different ways. But invisible-man worshiping, peeing your pants insanity is a whole 'nother ballgame.

  18. trumpbly_joe

    So, that is incredibly creepy and macabre. Like, Poe macabre.

    But, that notwithstanding, this:

    Not a “fetus,” either, as Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described — “a 20-week-old fetus” — on a hospital form. They changed the form to read “20-week-old baby.”

    is totally within a patient's rights with regards to their own medical records, but at the same time, is still the behavior of what we in the medical profession often call "major-league pains in the [anus]". We've had a few in my office, but they're mostly content to try and leave anti-contraception propaganda lying around, whenever they visit, and leave it at that.

    1. UpFistTroll

      Given that the average gestation period is 259 to 294 weeks (according to Wikipedia), they REALLY should have written "-256 +/- 17 week old baby". For the sake of accuracy, I mean. Or perhaps they could go the "BC/AD" route, and say it was "256 BV" (Before Vagina).

      1. Doktor Zoom

        "average gestation period is 259 to 294 weeks…"

        Look, I dislike Santorum as much as anyone, but for god's sake–they're Republicans, not ACTUAL elephants….

    2. tessiee

      So, when I go for my weekly abortions, I'm really not supposed to be changing my medical records so that they read, "tonsillectomy"?

  19. donner_froh

    “It struck me that if God is into sending messages, then I was getting some,”

    getting some? When Rick Santorum wants to have sex with his wife he whips out his fetus maker and says, "Time to GET SOME, honey"

    1. V572..whatever

      And what else, you have to wonder, is God "into" — rap? heavy metal? weed? randomly fucking with the brains of halfwit politicians who try to enlist Him in their campaigns for high office?

  20. OneYieldRegular

    "Santorum’s wife wrote and published a book of letters to the fetus."

    Wait a minute – Santorum is married to Oriana Fallaci?

  21. mrpuma2u

    Ok what part of fetus necrophilia doesn't ol Ricky get? Does he think this will not creep out just about everyone in the whole world? Time for your psych eval, Senator.

  22. BlueStateLibel

    I do of course have sympathy for any couple that experiences a miscarriage, but this is just sick. His kids are probably still having nightmares about it, and it really borders on child abuse.

  23. EBGrey

    I'm calling Jack Stuef out on this one. The man and his wife lost their baby at week 20. Regardless of a person's political views, this aspect of a person's life should not be held up to ridicule.

    1. prommie

      Yes it should. Yes, this especially, should be held up to contempt and ridicule, revulsion and disgust and loathing. This dude is both stupid and insane. He can cuddle with fetus-corpses all he wants, but he should not be within 100 miles of any position of power, authority, or responsibility, precisely because he cuddles dead fetuses and keeps pictures of dead fetuses on his desk.

      1. EBGrey

        We're are not talking about a fetus that was lost at week 2 here. The first paragraph of the article says the child survived for two hours after its premature delivery. There are many reasons to criticize Rick Santorum. But, mocking him for how he chooses to mourn his loss should not be one of them.

        1. backbaconzgood

          Think to yourself. Are those the actions of a healthy person. To have his children, his other childern, manipulate a fetal corpse. And what kind of person would then exploit that trama. My ex had a miscarriage and she didn't talk about it to her parents. Imagine if I would have mentioned (Like Stern) it in a newspaper. He's a sick man.

        2. prommie

          This was not a viable baby, the santorums knew it was utterly doomed weeks before, and yet they insisted on continuing the pregnancy until the predicted and inevitable miscarriage, they insisted it be born with undeveloped lungs so it could suffer horribly and die just so they could call it their baby and do this revolting, sick, perverse veneration of it. They are evil fucks, and I fart in their general direction, fuck them and their grief.

          1. SorosBot

            Well at least it didn't suffer; fetuses aren't capable of feeling pain (or anything else) until at least 26 weeks.

        3. mourningnmerica

          Rick Santorum is a monster. A sick, toxic, megalomaniac. He wants to be in charge of how all of us are allowed to live our lives. Fuck him. None of us would even know about this if it were not for him using it to advance his career. Your point of view is misguided. You are missing the big picture.

        4. GOPCrusher

          Not only should he be mocked for being a sadistic bastard, but anyone that defends this abomination deserves to be mocked also.

        5. Nothingisamiss

          I do understand your point. I was in a situation ( as a professional) dealing with this. What the parents do or do not do is very private, and the sadness is still something I recall.

          The people I remember did not use this situation as a campaign prop, picture or family fuck up, however. That is batshit insane, and just sets a new low for political "pro life" behavior.

    2. emmelemm

      This wouldn't be an issue if Santorum himself didn't make it a front and center issue. There are lots of people out there who've endured miscarriages, for whom I have sympathy, without knowing all the disgusting details.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Let us not forget: "Steuf" is an anagram of "fetus."

      and of course, his full name anagrams to "A Fuck Jest"–clearly, God wanted this man working at Wonkette.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        Nope. This perverse obsession crosses all religious boundaries. Neither Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, nor Troy Newman, its current head, is Catholic. There's no evidence that Scott Roeder, the man who murdered Dr. Tiller, is Catholic either. Schizophrenic, yes, Catholic, no.

        1. V572..whatever

          Good to know, but in my now better-informed mind, the imprimatur of Roman Catholicism lends a measure of legitimacy they’d otherwise lack to the Terrys, Newmans and Roeders of the world, monsters that they are.

          1. prommie

            The catholics constitute the better-educated wing of the fetus-worshipper crowd, thats why the GOP has been putting catholics on the supreme court, catholics have the schoolin' credentials, and they still have the ability to scream "yer prejudiced" if you oppose their nomination. Still, these Scalia variety catholics are a distinct minority even among catholics.

          2. doloras

            Trufax. As James Joyce put it, Catholicism is at least a LOGICAL absurdity. Teams of monks and theologians spent 1500 years trying (with limited success) to make Christianity make logical sense, then the Protestants came along and decided that wasn't necessary after all.

          3. Lascauxcaveman

            That's pretty fair summation. I know a lot of educated Catholics (used to be one of them) who jump through hoops and bend over sideways in attempts to line up their faith with the real world.

            From personal experience, it's not very satisfying when you finally come to the logical dead end and your smartest Catholic friend or clergyman says "Well, you just gotta have Faith."

      2. __kth__

        history lesson: evangelicals picked up the anti-abortion cause circa 1978, just in time to mobilize the rubes for Reagan.

        1. emmelemm

          I read a book in college (I know, I know, too mush edumacation) that basically said that a big swell of "grass-roots" anti-abortion sentiment came out of the ERA/feminism movement of the 60s/early 70s. Women who did not work outside the home and who continued to be in a traditional/religious family structure, i.e., dependent on husbands for support, were threatened by abortion/birth control.

          Women who had access to birth control and/or abortion had control over their own reproductive processes, so they could more easily manage their own educations and careers. That was threatening to women who were still in the status quo of "We get knocked up, which means men have to marry us, and then support us for the rest of our lives, because we can't work, because we're constantly knocked up." They felt like it de-legitimized their way of life, and furthermore, that eventually men might say, "Bitches, why the fuck don't you take care of yourself and quit getting knocked up?"

          So the "housewives left behind" had a lot of time and energy to put into organizing groups around the anti-abortion issue, while the newly independent women trying to earn their own way didn't have time (or inclination) to put as much effort into defending their new-found freedoms.

    1. prommie

      I think the term for it is a "fetish." A fetus fetish, fetish in the religious sense, as opposed to the sexual sense.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Also remember that a "fetish" is both an irrational obsession, and can be the object of that obsession. As in dead foetus that Mrs. Santorum so fetishized that she wrote enough material for a book about the object, the fetish.

        1. neiltheblaze

          Back atcha – it only goes to show how egalitarian they are with the down-fisty thing. Or, if you prefer, "wanton".

          1. prommie

            Ah, "feets don't fail me now," the words traditionally spoken by bug-eyed negroes after they have seen a "sperrit" or a "spook" in a Three Stooges short. You have transported me back to my childhood! Soon, by the way, it will be "quittin time" here. Take care of those sweater puppies, you.

      1. Limeylizzie

        Downfisting , silent and vile troll is around. I miss that rabid, batshit insane troll from yesterday, much more fun than SpankyMcSpankuntington

  24. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    What a cute little tadpole, kitchy-kitchy-koo, who's daddy's little tadpole, yes, yes, that's my little Gabby…

    1. Rotundo_

      Let us think pleasant thoughts: Otis Redding, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash, Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash,Snowcunt, Lake Monona, Airplane Crash……OHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMM…….

  25. chicken_thief

    The dead Gabster gets a book of letters from mommy – bet the living kids feel really fucking good about THAT. I bet they are so tired of hearing about "poor Gabriel, he could have ______ if he'd only lived" that if he did come back to life, the rest of the clan would kill him.

      1. tessiee

        I get the reference, but I'm betting that if they drink any kind of alcohol, it would be whatever brand of beer/box wine is the cheapest that Kroger's carries.

  26. Allmighty_Manos

    Miscarriage is a horrible thing to go through and it's easy to get connected to a unborn (baby, fetus, whatever your preferred term) when its yours so I'm not going to mock him because it isn't all that funny. Promoting in the press is something else however.

    1. Ruhe

      You're right about the seriousness of the actual situation for an actual family. When it becomes a matter of public "I love my children more than you do" preening it certainly starts to feel like what my old CCD teacher would have disdainfully called "false piety".

    2. finallyhappy

      I think it is the issue of using it to promote himself- obviously how you privately deal with this sort of loss should not be mocked.

  27. KeepFnThatChicken

    “When the partial-birth abortion vote comes to the floor of the U.S. Senate for the third time, your daddy needs to proclaim God’s message for life with even more strength and devotion to the cause.”

    The cause, of course? Mass killin' Muslims.

  28. SorosBot

    It's very pro-life to do things to your actual born, living children that will horrible scar them for life.

  29. DaRooster

    I feel bad for the kids… I can't imagine how the hell little ones are supposed to understand that kind of shit. Sad and quite deranged. This guy truly sucks. I am sure he would be the first to turn someone in for disciplining a kid but he can make his kids hold a dead fetus? Real nice.

    SICK FUCK FOR PREZNIT 2012! There ya go Baggers! Nice candidate you got there.

  30. Bonzos_Bed_Time

    So is it the Catholics or the Mormons that can pray dead souls into Heaven?

    I always thought it was the Joseph Smithians, but perhaps it's the Paul of Tarsusians?

    1. LiveToServeYa

      Well, Catholics pray people into heaven while Mormons just baptize them when they're not looking using water-balloons filled with holy water or a Super-Soaker or something.

  31. mavenmaven

    We have some fetal downfisters running rampant on this thread. I suspect they would make good case histories in support of abortion rights.

  32. harry_palmer

    The neighbor kids came over and asked if Gabriel could come out and play baseball. "But you know he died about half way to term," said his mother. "Yeah, we wanted to use him for second base."

    1. mourningnmerica

      One good turn deserves another.

      Q: What do you call a girl with one arm and one leg, riding a bicycle?

  33. EdFlintstone

    O.K. mom, kids everybody around the dead fetus. Big smiles now, say CHEEEEEESE. OK thats a keeper.

  34. 4tehlulz_lite

    Rick's only in it to make the Mormon cultist look normal and nonthreatening.

    He's doing a good job.

  35. crybabyboehner

    Babar and Cletus, pachyderm and fetus, went for a walk one day.
    Babar said, "Don't worry about your lame legs, I'll carry you all the way."
    But Cletus the fetus grew irate and scowled at poor Babar.
    "If I wanted to be carried around all the time, I would have just stayed in the jar!"

  36. imissopus

    "Villains!" I shrieked. "Dissemble no more! I admit the deed!–open the canning jar! here, here!–it is the hideous form of our miscarried fetus!"

      1. BornInATrailer

        Be nice. While he seems to have trouble handing in work on time, his attendance record is perfect.

  37. smokefilledroommate

    "…there is a passage in the Bible that states it is a sin to kiss a fetus, so it's become kind of a tradition in this household that we all give Gabe a lick before going to bed. C'mon kids–time for bed! Did you lick your brother yet? Say goodnight!"

  38. Neoyorquino

    Wow. That really puts the F in WTF. Were Mrs. Neoyorquino and me just callous when we responded to our miscarriages by mutual grief and consolation, and then being grateful for our existing spawn?

  39. jus_wonderin

    Oh my, my ICK meter shot off the scales. Dude, anyone every introduce you to the concept of "too much information"?

    1. GOPCrusher

      Q: What did the one gay mortician say to the other gay mortician?
      A: After work, you want to go in the back and suck down a couple of cold ones?

  40. fuflans

    you know i knew when i read this post the comments were going to be pretty, ummmm, creative.

    the wonkettes do not disappoint.

  41. johnnymeatworth

    "Rick and Karen were appalled to see him described — 'a 20-week-old fetus' — on a hospital form. They changed the form to read '20-week-old baby.'"


  42. Gnatsum

    That's it. That does it. I just want to know what Wonkette plans to do about the life I'm going to live now with the image seared into my brain of the people in that photograph passing a dead fetus around and loving it up and kissing on it,

  43. iburl

    So if that's a 20 week old baby, that means that we are "Born" at the time of conception. Which means A LOT more of us were born on Halloween, New Years Eve, and St. Patricks day than we thought and also we are all 9 months older and the average lifespan has increased by 9 months. Thank you , Rich Sanitarium!

    1. Ruhe

      If you subscribe to the old Alchemist's "Homunculus" theory you could say that we were all "born" when God made Adams testicles out of some dust and a little Holy spit.

    2. trumpbly_joe

      Well, no, that's insemination, not fertilization/conception. I had a bio professor who was fond of saying (to paraphrase), "Sex is the thing that happens after the romantic candle-lit dinner. Fertilization happens four days later, by yourself, while you're doing the laundry."

      1. genxr

        So when my parents told me I was conceived in the laundry room during the spin cycle, I shouldn't have been quite so traumatized?

    1. emmelemm

      With all the "Certificates of Live Birth" floating around, it's be interesting to see what a "Certificate of Dead Birth" looks like. Santorum undoubtedly has Gabriel's framed, above the fireplace.

  44. Weenus299

    Had the thing survived, it would have died from alcohol poisoning two weeks ago. The stress of being a Santorum is just so overwhelming …

  45. randcoolcatdaddy

    Now, now … I'm not going to poke fun at a family experiencing the loss of a possible child as they deal with their grief through superstition and gruesome customs that would make any sane anthropologist blanch and vomit a bit in their mouth….

  46. carlgt1

    given the amount of miscarriages & poor conditions for many babies — when will reich-wingers denounce God & Jesus as being the baby-killers they obviously are?

  47. grigoritheocto

    My sister delivered a baby prematurely at 22 weeks and it lived for one hour on its own before dying. The hospital issued a birth certificate and a social security number. My sister and her husband were even entitled to claim the baby on their taxes as a dependant.
    It might be especially hard for many of us to sympathize with Santorum in this case given his penchant for being a complete asshole and hating gay people and pretty much anyone who doesn't think that Jesus Christ and his bipolar "father" aren't a couple of oppressive thugs. But, his fetus/baby did live for two hours on its own outside of the mother, which does entitle him (or at least the fetus/baby) to a modicum or respect.
    I guess what I'm saying here is that as much as I support keeping abortions legal, and as much as I understand how intimately tied the issue of abortion is to women's rights issues, stories like my sister's (and, sadly, Santorum's) really challenge some of the underlying ideas we have about human life. It's just too bad that assclowns like Santorum make it completely impossible to have a logical debate about it.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Most normal people that lose children do not take the dead child to a taxidermist and carrying them around like a stuffed toy.

      I am truly baffled that people are giving a guy a pass on something that sounds like a pastime of Ed Gein's.

      1. grigoritheocto

        I am by no means "giving this guy a pass." If anything, as cheese ball as this sounds and as much as it makes my anus clench to say this, I'm saying that we should respect the fact that a baby that was born subsequently died because it was born way too early to be a viable human. If a fetus lives outside of its host, it's a person plain and simple. I'm not trying to say that abortion after the 20th ro 22nd week is wrong. I'm just saying that this issue is so much more complicated than almost anyone is willing to admit. And I'm saying that it's the fault of people like Santorum, who demonize abortion whenever humanly possible, that we can't have a logical and intelligent debate about something that people really don't need to be so fucking uptight about.

        And I don't remember anything about taxidermy. I mean, what his family did is actually not that odd, aside from the reading of Bible verses, and the fetishization of a dead body….fuck, nevermind.

        1. BlueMonkeh

          It's the whole making it into just another political prop that does it for me. It all seems very insincere – a tragedy they succeeded in turning into a very sick comedy

          It's not my or anyone's business what this nut and his equally nutty wife did to deal. (Write all the letters you want to your dead baby – I don't want to know.) And it's not his or anyone's business what anyone else does in their own personal life.

    2. pinkocommi

      First, I am sorry for what your sister and her husband and you have gone through.

      Second, I take it your sister has not widely publicized her tragedy by parading the most macabre and private details of it for political points. She should get on that.

      1. grigoritheocto

        I know, right. The only problem is that she doesn't have the mantle of "insane non-personality that occasionally says horrible things about various groups of people to appease fellow religious fanatics and gain in the polls." Had she but that small thing, if people only knew her as the trumpeter for unborn fetuses, indeed the millions of dead babies that caused our current economic crisis by not being born would finally have a voice.

  48. WinterOuthouse

    I think Santorum's natural political talent is showing. The deft at which he has secured the dead fetus vote is noteworthy. If Obama was on it, he would have had the dead baby vote locked down especially dead black babies. As we all know for tasteless billboards blacks are into abortion more than whites.

    Santorum it's not just on your ass anymore. . .

  49. Sassomatic

    Every month when I have my period I put it in a christening gown and take it across the street to the Catholic church to have it baptized. Then I take it to Wal-Mart and have portraits made.

  50. GOPCrusher

    I really applaud Rick Santorum's effort to raise the Crazy Bar to unreachable heights. I can only imagine that the next person up to announce their candidacy will have to carry around a Kleenex stiff with ejaculate, crying about how the Devil made them masturbate and thus abort millions of possible humans.

  51. ThundercatHo

    Fucking seriously? Why is it that the people most against abortion rights are the ones most sorely in need of them.

  52. bolognawallet

    BFD. I miscarry Santorum all the time. And I don't go around crying and kissing it. You just flush it.

  53. LettucePrey

    "If Rick Santorum has admitted this atrocity, I can't imagine the things that have occurred behind closet doors."


  54. MommysFetusJar

    I'm telling you….. the Fetus Jar Industry is a vast universe of endless possibilities. Wonkette Fetus Jars for all!

  55. DahBoner

    Just call me Dead Fetus of the morning, FETUS
    just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby. I see no need to take me home, I'm old enough to face the dawn…

  56. __kth__

    In the picture, little Santora is weeping because it was supposed to be her turn to hold the dead baby.

  57. orygoon

    Mrs. S. got a pregnancy complication is what happened. The baby was going to be messed up (fatally) whatever, but she might have died too, and the doctors advised a D&C. But the Santorums couldn't agree to that. They did let Mommy get a lot of antibiotics and stuff, and she survived, but they couldn't go with the medically-advised abortion, even though it put Mommy at somewhat more risk. Read about it in the awesome book about abortion by Cynthia Gorney, "Articles of Faith".

    1. NewtsChicknNeck

      so daddy Rick realizes that if his chattel-wife had a safe legal late-term partial birth abortion performed by a real live doctor then that miscarried fetus would have been no more dead than it was when his chattel-wife passed it, right? oh, wait. maybe the exact opposite.

  58. Guppy06

    “I like this fetus more than your other spawn, so I’m going to show it mercy by killing it before it has to be raised by you,”

    Which is worse, being born into Clan Santorum, or Catholic Purgatory for the unbaptized?

  59. Chet Kincaid

    Ha, amateurs at grieving! He should have given the little corpse to each of his kids individually for 24 hours to parade around school, playdates and mall trips, like the Stanley Cup.

  60. DemmeFatale

    Is it wrong that this post, (especially this part), made me laugh?
    Does it help that I threw up a little in my mouth?

  61. Walkinwiddaking

    "Santorum’s wife wrote and published a book of letters to the fetus."

    Judging from the photo I don't think that turned out to be such a great idea. Granted, this is from the night he lost his reelection bid but, seriously, look at those faces. Some serious bad ass juju going on there.

  62. grigoritheocto

    That's what makes it even harder. There are totally justified partial birth abortions, or late term abortions, and there are totally fucking worthless human beings who simply don't want to have a baby. Again (I feel that I need to say this because I know how touchy this whole things is) I'm not against abortion in general by any means, but fucking=babies. If you are an educated adult (and let's not kid ourselves, many people that have abortions are educated, although I recognize that there is an uneducated minority contingent in this as well) and you have sex with another adult of the opposite sex and don't use contraception, you could get pregnant. This is an evolutionary, natural fact. I guess society just has yet to find the balance between "we need to make sure that all members of society are cared for so that they don't feel the need to get an abortion and it should remain a valid medical procedure in case of emergency" and "holy shit, I shouldn't have fucked that person/I shouldn't have gotten that person pregnant, let's just have an abortion." Neither of my children were planned, both are a huge pain in the ass most of the time, and I couldn't be happier.

    Sorry. This last post was thought salad and doesn't make much sense. I'm three beers deep.

    1. 102415

      I got pregnant twice and I used contraception (diaphragm) let's just say *religiously*. When I did want a child it hilariously took a year to make it happen. Let it go, people fuck. You can make all kinds of living things out of a hunk flesh these days.

    2. SorosBot

      This is late, but fuck you for "there are totally fucking worthless human beings who simply don't want to have a baby". There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an abortion because you don't want to have a baby. It's people like you, who take the "abortion should be legal, but it's still wrong" position that enable the anti-choice movement to pile on restrictions that make abortions almost impossible to obtain while still technically being legal. Not to mention that it helps create the atmosphere that causes a lot of women that get abortions to get big psychological issues over it as a result. No; women can get abortions for any reason they want to, and there is nothing wrong with that

      In short, go fuck yourself.

      1. grigoritheocto

        I think what you mean is, "In my opinion there is absolutely nothing wrong with having an abortion because you don't want to have a baby." Kind of like how I was expressing my opinion about the matter. And I don't really see how I'm enabling the anti-choice movement in any way. I don't approve of any legislation that restricts abortion. I think I stated that several times.

        That being said, I think it's incredibly selfish for someone who has the money and familial safety net to terminate a pregnancy simply because the "don't want to have a baby." Let me give you an example. I was very good friends with a girl at university that had at least 5 abortions that I knew of. She refused to ask her partners to use condoms because she said "It doesn't feel as good," and she refused to go on birth control or use any other kind of contraception. When I asked her why she didn't want to use other methods of contraception, she said she "just didn't want to." She had frequent one-night stands with numerous members of the opposite sex, and her family was incredibly loaded. I find what she did to be morally and ethically abhorrent. She refused to take responsibility for her actions, plain and simple.

        There are many women out there that have the deck stacked against them and feel that they have no other choice but to have an abortion because of the shame they would feel from their churches, their families, and their friends. They don't have money and they don't have resources. I would never pass judgement upon these women.

        I'm an atheist. I don't believe that life begins at conception, and I don't believe that fetuses are the most valuable commodity in the world. But I do believe that there are many women out there that use abortion as a form of birth control. In my opinion, this is unethical and immoral. I think that those types of people are the same types of people who view their lives as lives of entitlement without considering that there are people that struggle with the decision to terminate a pregnancy on a very visceral level.

        But I guess your right. I should go fuck myself for having my own opinion about something. Thanks for clearing that up.

        1. problemwithcaring

          fwiw, I appreciate your willinginess to share your opinion. However, I think the point others are making here is that, it's just your opinion. Their opinion is that you should go fuck yourself with your opinion.

          Your earnest comments on a satire site, I can forgive, but to think anyone else should value your opinion more than their own about what is and isn't "selfish," is sorta ridiculous.

  63. LetUsBray

    I don't know if Sarah P. has kissed the fetus yet, but she does appear to be puckering up…

  64. user-of-owls

    Here’s something we forgot about: Santorum has his very own fetus story, but unlike Barbara Bush, when his wife miscarried in 1996, they didn’t stick the thing in a jar and put it on display.

    Oh heady days for owls, wherein 333 p's were launched that day. Good times, good times.

  65. Negropolis

    On a serious note, while I can't even begin to imagine the grief of a miscarriage, his humanity can not be seperated from the fact that he's generally a very terrible human being to other people and their children. It's why I don't much get the point of these personal stories the media loves to print. If anything, they make these figures look worse.

  66. tessiee

    Now I'm picturing puppet shows, with the kids supplying a squeaky voice for the Cletus the Fetus puppet.

  67. CookiE_MonstA

    Our family lost a baby, my mom still is not quite over it. Babies are not supposed to die. Who can say what they might do when confronted with that grief. I know this site is not known for sympathy but, this isn't funny.

    1. mourningnmerica

      None of this shit is funny. Santorum pimping for food being taken out of poor children's mouths to give more tax breaks to the richest people on earth is not funny. But his slimyness and and hatefulness and sickness is fair game. If he wants to use his baby's death for political gain, then the smart asses on this site will make fun of him. This is not the sympathy site. As a group Wonketeers are pretty pissed off. You see it in their responses to human feces like Santorum.

  68. croney1

    Sweet Jesus – is that an actual photo of the actual Santorum family? The boy looks like a first cousin to the Pugsley Addams but …less witty. What's going on with the young lady in the background – it looks like someone got caught picking her nose! Perhaps it is understandable why a 20 week old fetus had more charisma and charm than the ones that were raised by their grandmother in the attic. Get it? Flowers in the Attic the creepy story by VC Andrews?

  69. Rhymes With Right

    I had never realized how many scummy people there were in the world until I read these comments. The overwhelming majority of you should be ashamed of yourselves — would you be proud to show these comments to your parents or your children? Would you be proud to have them published on the front page of your local newspaper? You are mocking how a family dealt with the death of a child — and their following what is a professionally recommended method for doing so —… — as a means of dealing with that loss.

    Interestingly enough, I suspect every one of you is "pro-choice" on abortion — maybe you should ask yourself if your support for the choice to kill a child in the womb has led you to a heightened callousness towards those who lose a chosen and wanted child.

  70. HelloBirdy

    I can barely believe some of what is being said on this site. it is sub human. Have you no decency, or should I bother asking?

    You want to take over America and the rest of the western world. You want to run all aspect of our lives, our workplace, our children. You want to impose your diseased values on the rest of us …. not going to happen.

    I must tell you that you won't get what you want by behaving like a pack of chimps. Most of us on the right will happily shoot you when the time comes for that …. when all the talking is done. I think that will be coming along soon enough … probably shortly after the November elections, depending on who wins.

    Most of us know that it is not possible to reason with chimps like yourselves, so many of you will go down in the coming war. A major cull of the left is in good order at this time in our sorry history.

    Just wanted to get that off my chest. Meanwhile, as you continue to suffer that the world isn't what you want it to be, the rest of us will continue living our lives and caring for our families, working hard, paying our own way through life. You will find that you shouldn't have fucked with that. You have crossed the line once too many.

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