Scott Walker Says His Attack On U.S. Workers ‘Is Truly Progressive’

  I do not think it means what you think it means

All three branches of the Wisconsin government.The Koch Brothers’ dumb little whore from Wisconsin, Scott Walker, is testifying before Congress today — and he’s got a very unique take on the class war he’s waging against the working citizens of his state. “In Wisconsin, we are doing something truly progressive. In addition to holding the line on spending and finding efficiencies in state government, we are implementing long term budget reforms focused on protecting middle class jobs and middle class taxpayers.” Uh, yeah! By screwing people out of the minimal protections unions provide for some public-sector workers, Scott Walker is actually protecting the middle class he and his corporate backers are intentionally destroying. Progressive!

As Walker will be reading this statement to actual convicted street criminal and right-wing sociopathic hack Darrell Issa — who is now, hilariously, “chairman of the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform” — you can expect Issa to start crying while masturbating under his desk, into an easy-kleen puppet of a poor child’s mouth.

Anyway, Scott Walker is in Washington, everybody! Go say hello and push him down a broken Metro escalator, to forward Progressive Values! [TIME]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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154 comments

  1. WinterOuthouse

    If I push him can I use like a walker or cane? I don't want to get walker juice on my new shoes.

  2. Barbara_i

    It is "progressive" It's progressing him closer to his being recalled and kissing the big boot of the voters.

      1. JustPixelz

        I'm not there yet. I just can't believe it. (Actually I can't believe so many Demoncrats stayed home and made it easier for these chumps win last November.)

        1. GOPCrusher

          I really, really hope that people like Scott Walker is exactly what it takes to get the masses off their asses and vote. If not, well, I'm glad that my days on this planet grow short because I'm too the point where I'm not sure I can tolerate much more of this bullshit.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I'd really rather not look at who/whatever he is screwing, especially not while he is doing it.

  3. Hatrabbit

    "you can expect Issa to start crying while masturbating under his desk, into an easy-kleen puppet of a poor child’s mouth."

    OMFG. That is fucking awesome.

    1. harry_palmer

      Ken has a black belt in the English language.

      Edit: The downfist troll, on the other hand, has a brown diaper.

    2. BornInATrailer

      Yeah, scanning to make sure this got called out was the first thing I checked in the comments.

      Hit that one out of the park.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      From your lips to God's ears, but too many Americans think that if they give the rich people what they want, some of it will rub off of them.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    Suddenly, the price of gas doesn't seem so ghastly as to keep me from driving over there now and unloading a sack of salted dildoes into this jackhandle's mushmouth.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Brewed by Miller-Coors. So, forget it. I'll stick with Point. ('Til I find out they gave money to the GOP in last year's governor election.)

      1. 4TheTurnstiles

        My first choice is Terminal Gravity IPA, of Enterprise, Oregon, USA. Beautiful beer from the most beautiful place on this continent. Owned by some hill people, so you know it's OK.

          1. Jerri

            I have to say, I love my Lakefront beers (from Milwaukee), but Bell's Two Hearted & Oberon are tied for my #1 favorites.

          2. LesPaultard

            If you can find it, try the Oarsman Ale. Light for a Bell's, a good summer beer. —the brewery is nearby. :)

      2. poncho_pilot

        hard to find Wisconsin beers that aren't tied to Miller-Coors. everything cheap i used to drink…

          1. poncho_pilot

            i like Lakefront some. or more that i think some are really good and some are okay. i think i've burned out on New Glarus anyway. except Black Wheat.

          2. Jerri

            Yeah they aren't all amazing, but Riverwest Stein is a solid choice. And Lakefront does all kinds of environmental social good guy stuff, so that's nice too.

            All this beer talk makes me want a Wisconsin Wonkette Meet/Drink-up.

          3. poncho_pilot

            that sounds like it would be a good time. seems there are a lot of us on here from (or just playing through in my case) Wisconsin. i've lived here seven years and love the place.

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      I agree about the Leinenkugel premium stuff, it is good. But since the Coors drawers touch it, along with every buck I spend for it, I've sworn off the stuff. Try Moose Drool–Big Sky Brewing out of Missoula, MT

  5. Jerri

    Maybe he'll lose his Teabilly Safe Zone Map and get lost somewhere, never to be heard from again.

    1. Negropolis

      If we can figure out some way to get him in northside Milwaukee, the rest will just work itself out….

  6. Hatrabbit

    Can't wait till the people of Wisconsin rise up and have this clown churned into a big yellow wheel of stinking cheese.

  7. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    …long term budget reforms focused on protecting middle class jobs and middle class taxpayers.

    Sure, by the end of his term there will only be two of them, but their job security and benefits will be great.

    (Also, is it just me, or does that photo make Los Bros Koch look like a cross between Statler and Waldorf and the grim spectre of death?)

  8. SorosBot

    The old fascist has mastered the art of doublespeak, I see; like many of his fellow travelers, he probably read 1984 as a how-to guide and thought it described a perfect utopia.

  9. nounverb911

    "As Walker will be reading this statement "
    Has Walker thanked his union teacher yet for teaching him to read?

    1. Rotundo_

      I'd doubt that anyone who taught him the little he knows ever was a union member: probably parochial schooled (protestant as dad is a preacher) so he didn't have to associate with brown folks.

  10. nounverb911

    "to actual convicted street criminal and right-wing sociopathic hack Darrell Issa"
    Didn't Issa play the mother in "My Mother the Car"?

    1. V572..whatever

      No but he did make a fortune selling car alarms. Also insurance proceeds from arson. You don't want to fuck with him, or he'll torch ya.

  11. An_Outhouse

    If
    1 David Koch = 100,000 middle class jobs and middle class taxpayers
    then
    it could be said that Walker is 'protecting middle class jobs and middle class taxpayers'

    1. GOPCrusher

      Comparing middle class tax payers to Tea Baggers is the same delusional thought process that leads them to believe that dozens that show up for a rally equates to thousands and that they represent the majority of "true" Americans.

    2. Rotundo_

      1 David Koch Does equal 100,000 middleclass salaries. He probably pays .75 middle class taxpayers worth of taxes on 100,000 salaries.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    we are implementing long term budget reforms focused on protecting middle class jobs and middle class taxpayers

    Oh. It's only the poors that he's trying to fuck over. I did not know that. That's okay, then.

    1. JustPixelz

      Him saying it doesn't make it so. LIke Dubya calling himself a "compassionate conservative" while fucking over poor people, middle-class, home owners. Also sending soldiers to die in futile attempt to win his father's respect. Did I mention faith-based science for health, pollution, global warming?

  13. johnnymeatworth

    Wow, it must really be pissing him off that no one has tried to assassinate him yet….

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Well he's at least getting blistered by some peers, albeit Democratic ones. A Maryland congressman at the DC hearing as well as Governor Shumlin of VT both served Walker some verbal admonishment. For now, Rep. Cummings is my new hero.

      1. GOPCrusher

        That's all great and everything, but until Scott Walker gets dragged out of his office and led up the steps to the Gallows Howe, I doubt he will understand that he's doing something wrong. Even at that last second before the hangman's noose snaps his miserable neck, he probably will still think he's right.

    2. Rotundo_

      If someone did, their scope would show a pair of state troopers inconspicuously pointing at him like the bears in the Farside cartoon. Nobody who isn't rich or nuts likes Scooter.

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    Proregressive. What's next, Benedict Arnold was really the patriot? Judas was framed by the Commies?

    New slogans needed: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his kochnections."

    1. SorosBot

      Well we've got a bunch of morons in this country who refer to a bunch of treasonous scum who actually declared war on their own country so that they could own black people "real Americans" and "heroes", so that's one of them.

    2. Ken Layne

      Benedict Arnold *was* the patriot — he stayed true to his country. And Canada, where he went, is a much better country than America today.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    If Walker's Wisconsin is "truly progressive," then Jonah Goldberg's idea of liberal fascism actually has a leg to stand on. Unfortunately, it's just the old fascist fascism that we all so know and love.

  16. James Michael Curley

    General Scott Walker; "We had to destroy that middle class villiage so we could save it."

  17. jonzin

    What amazes me is that anybody supports this nitwit. It can't all be rich people either. Somewhere there are poor people taking it brutally and without lube up the ass and they just keep on asking for more. I guess lube is socialist.

      1. Beowoof

        Well they are getting the whole story the right wing leadership knows they need to hear so they happily keep fucking themselves with no lube.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        AM 1130: Limbaugh, Belling, Beck (though they might have dropped him).

        AM 620: Jeff Wagner, Charlie Sykes. (Local turds, working for Journal Communications, who are decidedly taking their company's stock price down, down, down with their constant attacks on the (conservative, really, but Jeff & Chucky say otherwise) newspaper that is the flagship of Journal Comm.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      The don't have shit and don't want anyone else to have shit, except for millionaires. The attitude around here is that, if you were smart enough to make a couple mill, then by god you are one smart fucker and have it coming 'cuz you earned it.

      But is their neighbor has a job that lets him take one sick day a month, the dickwad with no such right will do everything he can to fuck his neighbor our of that one thing.

      It's not ideology only that's kept the Republitards working against the funding of public education. The dumber the citizenry, the better the Republics chances of winning elections.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        The current crop of Cudahys, Kohlers, & Bradleys were born into their wealth. They didn't do shit.

        1. DustBowlBlues

          Idiot Americans are still feeding on the Horatio Alger boy-book idea that anyone can get rich in this country and, you know, when Leon, Junior Roy and Bubba get their new, improved version of Truck Nutz perfected, it could happen and, boy howdy, they don't want no guv'ment takin' their money, nor taking it away from their younguns, either, when they pass.

          My father worked for the real phone company for 41 years and thought of himself as a working class person. He was a shop steward and refused all the mgt. jobs he was offered. We saved our money, in case there was a strike.

          But even then, he was in the minority and it's only gotten worse. The only people with any sense of class in this country are the people born into wealth. And they damn sure know what class they belong to: the one that Leon, Junior Roy and Bubba will never be a part of, no matter how many lottery tickets they buy or Indian casinos they hang out at.

          Wow. I think I just wrote a Master's thesis in political science. Can I get my degree now?

      2. V572..whatever

        Good point, Dusty: "sick leave" is a union-inspired dodge to honest labor. You think los hermanos Koch ever call in sick? No way! That's what vacation is for, until they get rid of it too. Why should anyone get paid for not coming into work? It makes no sense at all.

        And the so called "five-day work week"? Don't get me started! The Bible says you get Sunday and that's all.

  18. Terry

    "Wiscon$in is open for business" is simply an announcement that the governor of the State is for sale.

  19. Boredw/Gravitas

    Walker is progressing Wisconsin right into the 1800's. Workhouses and debtors' prisons for everyone!

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    What kind of parents must this guy have had to rear such a fucking horrible creature? They'd make Jame Gumb's folks look like Ozzie and Harriet.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    Over the past several months, I have visited numerous factories and small businesses across Wisconsin. On these tours, workers tell me that they pay anywhere from 15% to 50% of their health insurance premium costs. The average middle class worker is paying more than 20% of his or her premium. Like my brother, they would love a plan like the one we are offering.

    See, the people who have a worse deal than Wisconsin state employees would like the deal Walker's offering them; therefore Wisconsin state employees ought to like that deal, even though it's worse than the one they already have. And given this logic, everybody ought to make the lowest salary that any of their colleagues makes, and soon we'll have to eliminate minimum wage because it prevents Scott Walker from progressively improving everyone's salaries.

    Oh, and of course that race-to-the-bottom mentality works in reverse if you make more than a million dollars a year, so anyone over that threshold needs to make as much as the highest-paid person in their group.

    1. harry_palmer

      Slave wages is actually where this free-trade economy has been headed all along; it's just taking its time to get there what with various government-backed Ponzi schemes, housing bubbles etc. The labor problems that have been off-shored since the 70s are coming home to roost.

    2. V572..whatever

      Enghgh, can any nation's workforce really escape the global race for the bottom? Those Chinese sneakers are going to get to Walmart one way or another. The reason government employees have retained better benefits is that, so far at least, the Kochs haven't figured out a way to outsource government.

      Hard to believe it now but there was a time when Walter Reuther and George Meany and other elected leaders (not "bosses") of big unions were important political figures whose views and concurrence on the issues of the day were sought after by politicians and touted on talk shows.

      1. zhubajie

        China's getting out of the sneaker business, getting into higher value stuff. Maybe Wisconsin can soon compete with Vietnam or Bangladesh for low-wage factories!

      2. sati_demise

        Walker did outsource the security guards in his last job as a Mayor. The old guards sued and won back pay and then? Walker lost money on that deal.

        I guess Blackwater will completely take over our wars when the GOP gets the executive branch, too.

      3. Negropolis

        The reason government employees have retained better benefits is that, so far at least, the Kochs haven't figured out a way to outsource government.

        That is an absolutely brilliant point. These are the last good jobs in America for anyone not highly educated.

        It's good to see people finally waking up, but the people that should be getting this the most, the tea party, doesn't seem to get this, at all. You know, as partisan a person as I can be, this union issue shouldn't be a partisan one. I couldn't care less if they hate me for my skin color, so long as they get there that are some very well situations where we're all in the same boat, down here. I don't want them to fail, because then we all fail. I wish that idea would be reciprocated.

        You know, they can keep fighting us, or they can start fighting our common enemy before they finish us off, together. You know, MLK had it about right.

        But, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm just some black, commie socialist.

  22. NorthStarSpanx

    The GOP are going to start using this word, that doesn't mean what they think it means.

    It's as logical as Sarah Palin saying she'd be embraced by the world as a progressive Rock Star if she were a Democrat.

  23. BlueStateLibel

    And when the mob comes for the plutocrats' heads, I'm going to say, they're not decapitating them, they're just relieving them of that unsightly growth on top of their shoulders.

  24. SmutBoffin

    Walker. LePage. Christie. Scott. Where do they find these jerks?

    How many people out there have the right combination of stupidity, hubris, and lizard-y meanness to do these things?

  25. mereoblivion

    He was in favor of destroying us by protecting us before he was in favor of protecting us by destroying us.

  26. Callyson

    If Walker wants to start spelling the state's name as Wiscon$in, shouldn't he spell his name as $cott Walker? And wouldn't that be "doing something truly progre$$ive"?
    It's a $hame…

  27. weejee

    Scott Walker Says His Attack On U.S. Workers ‘Is Truly Progressive’

    Scott Walker Says His Attack On U.S. Workers ‘Is Truly Preemptive’

    fixed

  28. sportshort

    Steal your enemies' label. Use it in the exact opposite way it was intended. Confuse everyone. He is following the playbook of his alien overlords completely. He will be first in line for the public whipping when the revolution comes. Which is either the day after Jesus returns or tomorrow. Whatever.

      1. Negropolis

        Je$u$ i$ coming again, and i$ he pi$$ed…that you're not buying more cheap ChinaGreatWalMart shit.

    1. Negropolis

      No, he is far, far worse. Your drunk and obnoxious uncle can actually be funny and/or endearing at times. Walker is neither…ever.

  29. metamarcisf

    The elected official who should be apologizing to the Talking Heads is Darrell Issa (Knucklehead) CA. Their 1982 hit, "Burning Down the House" influenced one of Mr. Issa's more inspired misadventures.

  30. Hatrabbit

    Morning downfister, just upfisted a shitload of your downfists.

    I also fed your nasty hot-pockets to the cat, thanks for leaving them in the Wonkette fridge.

  31. philpjfry

    Some mornings it just don't pay to get out of bed. I have had less depressing days when doctors shoved cameras up the head of my penis. How stupid must he be to actualy think he is doing something worthwhile? Oh wait, as long as hes has koch to suck he doesn't care. Jerk off

  32. horsedreamer_1

    Progressive deunionizing is like G-Dub's Clear Skies Initiative, right?

    Somebody get me Luntz!

  33. pinkocommi

    Does Obama call his policies progressive? If so, I can see why Scott Walker is confused.

  34. Ruhe

    Are those puppets manufactured in the U.S. or by child laborers in Pakistan cause if the latter, well that would just be deliciously evil.

  35. DustBowlBlues

    Like many people, I suffer from insomnia, and that in spite of the Lunesta. So I've devised a new scheme to help me fall asleep tonight. If it works, I'll let you know.

    Instead of counting sheep or counting my blessings, I'm going to focus on which Republitard I most would like to see on a video, getting a bj from a junkie in a Greyhound depot men's room. Because it's easier to drift off to sleep when you're having happy thoughts.

  36. BklynIlluminati

    It's progressive because no one is getting their ass kicked by strike busters. The velvet glove of his tyranny.

  37. DustBowlBlues

    And by the way, Ken, our illustrious managing editor: that was some inspired prose you put into this one. Hosne MuWalker inspires better comments than Sarah Palin, who is so yesterday's newz.

  38. CapnFatback

    May I suggest taking a tip from our early settlers and wrapping it in smallpox-infested blankets?

    1. waitforsugar

      The way that we are slashing budgets for vaccinations for poor children, there should be a whole list of fun diseases to pick from. At least there's the tax cuts though.

  39. Buckminster

    With "patriots" like this trying to ruin the country, why are we concerned about terrorists?

    1. zhubajie

      Oh, exactly! Bin Laden was a brilliant strategist and judged correctly that a single colorful terrorist incident would set the US off on a positive-feedback cycle self-destructive behaviors!

  40. MadBrahms

    Oh, but you see, if everyone loses their jobs, it will be less "middle class" to protect! Walker will be able to take care of "you" by screwing everyone else, who is obviously just freeloading. Remember: you deserve a comfortable life, but the high school teacher next door does not.

    1. zhubajie

      That's right! They are wicked, somehow, and deserve to suffer! YOU are righteous and deserve health and wealth!

  41. Negropolis

    Go say hello and push him down a broken Metro escalator, to forward Progressive Values!

    You're 'aspossed to say "@NotIntendedasaFactualStatement."

    BTW, the dirty, little Koch-whore got absolutely reamed at this hearing. It was a thing of beauty.

  42. Negropolis

    Somewhere (probably Christian Hell, which is so much more edgy and hip than Christian Heaven), George Orwell is politely golf-clapping and offering a "well played, good chap; well played."

    1. zhubajie

      Think about the Buddhist hells, too. Not eternal, but lasting millions of aeons, none the less.

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