business vaccine

Scott Walker Bans Sick Days People of Milwaukee Voted For

'Look! The cremated remains of workers make a fine plaster businesses can use to build buildings!'Wisconsin’s duly elected slave driver Scott Walker is not done yet ruining the lives of everyone who lives in his state, planning on signing legislation passed by the legislature that would void an ordinance passed overwhelmingly by the voters of Milwaukee requiring businesses in the city to provide their workers sick days. Walker doesn’t have a lot of cover here; he can’t say he needs to pass this to balance the state budget, because he’s just meddling in the affairs of a city. What’s worse, telling workers they are not allowed to be sick, or telling the cities of his state they can only pass ordinances he agrees with? Trick question! With Scott Walker, everything’s the worst!

“We need to create a system where the rules are the same community by community,” said Rep. Jeff Stone (R-Greendale).

“Jeff Stone”? We thought this was a Stalin or Mussolini quote.

Democrats countered the bill was an assault on local government and the will of voters.

“Why don’t we just eliminate local government and rule everything from Madison?” Rep. Chris Danou (D-Trempealeau) said.

Great idea! Scott Walker will count that as a vote for dictatorship. Any other votes? Yeah, there’d better be some other votes.

So what happens when you work in Wisconsin and get sick? Well, it’s about time he got around to re-instituting the death penalty, isn’t it? Such a shame Wisconsin doesn’t use that. [JSOnline]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. OC_SobBalem_Serf

    The same folks that hate big gubbermint™ always get an instant woodie when big gubbermint™ cracks a whip.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Imperial Lord Walker needs to be in office one year before a recall vote can be scheduled.

      1. guangho

        That's enough time to round up and hoard votes on MS Access. Prevention versus cure yanno.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      He would probably like to invade Milwaukee before annexing, but the Wisconsin National Guard is probably busy in Central Asia at the moment.

    2. Negropolis

      I'm keeping my eye on Walker. Knowing, him, he might just annex back the UP claiming that it was the original "living space" of Wisconsin to begin with. The UP is our Sudetenland.

  2. Come here a minute

    That'll teach those agitators from Milwaukee not to stick their noses in state government, where it doesn't belong. Wait, what?

    1. proudgrampa

      Why, yes. I think materialism is diabolical. It's like the devil gets in people like that and… What? Oh. Never mind.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      During the Bataan Death March the sick were routinely shot and left by the roadside.
      I didn't know Walker was such a WWII fan.

      1. mourningnmerica

        If you explain it, it's not funny. That, plus it insults the breadth of knowledge possessed by the average Wonketeer. Also. So tighten it up.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Just wondering when some worker, laid off because he was sick and didn't have the union to protect him any more, decides to exercise his Second Amendment remedies?

    2. GOPCrusher

      Considering that there may be an investigation into the "missing" votes in Waukesha County and a certain recall election, you would think that Scott Walker would stop burning every bridge he finds.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        He has to upstage Pawlenty, though. T-Paw only let the bridge(s) collapse. Scooter will burn those suckers down!

  3. chicken_thief

    Jesus Christ, this motherfucker is the "The Little Choo-choo that Could" personified, is he not? I think I can, I think I can (fuck the poorz)…. I think I can, I think I can (fuck the sick)…

  4. nounverb911

    "“Why don’t we just eliminate local government and rule everything from Madison?” Rep. Chris Danou (D-Trempealeau) said."
    Too late, Michigan's already doing that.

    1. Negropolis

      It's funny, Snyder keeps saying he doesn't want to run Detroit, but I give Detroit about two more months of independence before the state comes in…probably with the National Guard…again.

  5. SorosBot

    Great, I came up with a great joke while riding the article and then find that Rep. Danou already made it.

  6. weejee

    Mmmm, thought that the Rethugs were all about local control, but these loyal state's righters don't like presumptive cities exercising local control. Like Orwell's Animal Farm some locals (ruralz and exurbs) are better that other locals (urban). Got it.

    1. kissawookiee

      Well, you know how those urbans are. If you find one in a million that's clean and articulate, it's news.

  7. nounverb911

    "So what happens when you work in Wisconsin and get sick? "
    Does Walker have a food taster yet? I'm predicting that he will need one soon.

    1. HedonismBot

      Now that's job creation! The Koch brothers can hire people for all sorts of other new jobs, like human footstool, sedan chair carrier and whipping boy. Very progressive!

  8. ManchuCandidate

    One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
    Schmunions, schmick daze, corprat toady incorporated.
    I'm gonna do it!
    Give me any abuse, I'll use it.
    Give me any rule, I'll break it.
    I'm gonna make Koch dreams come true.
    Doin' it their way.
    Nothin's gonna turn us back now,
    Straight ahead and on the track now.
    I'm gonna make Koch dreams come true,
    Doin' it their way.

  9. Crank_Tango

    Yeah well Jesus never said anything about the sick.

    And there is nothing in the constitution about promoting the general welfare, so suckit commies!!!

    1. JustPixelz

      Easy for JC to say. He was never sick a day in his life. And didn't have to stay home to take care of his elderly father or feverish child.

      As for "general welfare", Rep. Broun (R-Dumbass) sez the Founders never intended that clause to mean "individual welfare" so Wilson and Roosevelt — the only two Demoncrat presidents elected in the first half of 20th century — were socialists. Broun knows the Founders' thoughts thanks to his paleotelepathy ability.

      1. kissawookiee

        The Founders intended it to mean General Washington, just like they would have intended it to mean General Petraeus today. But not Admiral Mullen, because he secretly has Teh Ghey.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Jesus just had to lay hands on his friends and insto-presto, no sickies around him!

    3. Negropolis

      I know, right? I mean, all he did was just heal a fuck-load of 'em for like ever Big whoop.

  10. Anthr_DCLwyr3d

    Look at it this way, at least we've now established some parameters on this whole "federalism" concept. See, Big Government Powers telling all the states to follow the same laws is invasive socialism that violates State's Rights. However, States telling local communities they all have to follow the same rules is just good government. Thus, as an algebriac formula: U.S. Gov't Rules < State Gov't Rules > Local Gov't Rules. Easy peasy.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I think I saw that inequality in a chat-room transcript in Me & You & Everyone We Know.

    1. ingloriousbytch

      I meant to upfist this and started coughing when I clicked the mouse so I accidentally downfisted it. Forgive me. (I guess I should've taken a sick day.)

    2. Rotundo_

      Aside from the fact that Scooter is a moron, he lacks the imagination of a super villain. He has the deformed skull thing going, and with the proper grooming and styling choices he has the visual down, but all the little fucknut is doing is following our noble chamber of commerce's wish list. WMC and the chamber is yanking Scooter's strings and he delivers, the best politician they *ever* bought.

  11. Jerri

    It's not that people won't get sick days. It's that people won't get any paid sick days.

    So if you are working as a Sandwich Artist, say, and have to choose between going to work with a terrible case of the flu and paying your electric bill, that chud Scooter would have you go to work so you can both infect everyone you work with and serve food to, and pay your bill. He doesn't eat at those kinds of places, so what the fuck does he care, amirite?

    1. kissawookiee

      And he high-fives the Invisible Hand once again… and then Purells ust to be on the safe side.

  12. GuyClinch

    Time for those union thugs to stage another massive rally. I mean, if all of Milwaukee, union or not, doesn't go on strike over this, what will it take? Do it for Laverne! Do it for Shirley!

  13. Boredw/Gravitas

    Great comments on the Journal-Sentinal article. One teabagger actually advocates that employees pay employers when they take sick leave or vacation. Priceless.

    1. emmelemm

      Do none of these people actually have JOBS? Have they never worked a day in their lives? What gives?

    2. guangho

      Tough tea talk but just wait until drugs are legalized and taxed and these rules apply to your methlab.

  14. trumpbly_joe

    “We need to create a system where the rules are the same community by community,” said Rep. Jeff Stone (R-Greendale).

    Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your limited, local-control government. Apparently they really just meant, you know, when it comes to things like whether or not to allow slavery and lynchings.

  15. WinterOuthouse

    I'm wondering how many blowjobs it would take to get this fucker happy enough to leave the poor and and anyone with an income below 250,000 alone?

    1. GodShammgod

      You assume Scott Walker has genitalia. I just figured he was like a Ken doll. An ugly, sadistic Ken doll.

  16. Sophist [غني عن ذلك]

    How can it not be apparent yet to every primate with a functioning sensory organ and at least two braincells that the Republican party has declared war on anyone who makes less than $100,000 a year? I'm not being snarky here, I really cannot understand how anyone middle class or lower could possibly look at these constant and pervasive attempts to fuck working people over and think "yup, that's the party for me". It's like the whole republican electorate is completely controlled by the Imp of the Perverse. I just don't understand it.

    1. MissTaken

      Because even though I'm just barely scraping by flipping anus burgers and selling $31 bags of weed to feed my kiddies I KNOW I will win the lottery and be rich! And I'll be damned if I have to pay any taxes on my winnings, because I'm rich biatch!

    2. jonzin

      Because Repubs hate the gays and love guns. So do a lot of poor people. So they want to vote for that party. They don't care about anything else, except maybe that the Repubs also hate muslins.

      1. kissawookiee

        It's the Imp of the *Perverse.* He can fit, like, twenty of those suckers in his anus.

    3. HuddledMass

      Authoritarian Personality Disorder:

      "The root cause of this syndrome is still debated, but what is known is that their cognitive-social-intellectual development remains immature into adulthood. It leaves them with limited abilities for deciding questions that require the ability to think in abstract and complex ways…." etc.

    4. tessiee

      a) Because they believe they'll be rich some day;
      b) Because they believe that if only they're suck-uppy and codependent *enough*, the rich folks will throw crumbs to them;
      c) Because they'd rather eat out of dumpsters and sleep under bridges than to vote for somebody willing to give Those People (if you know who I mean) a break.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    Congratulations, Wisonsinites — I only hope y'all can recall that insane fuckhead before you're living in mud-brick huts and wiping your asses with your hands.

    1. fuflans

      upon reading this, i was thinking what an object lesson this should be for people who don't take the time to vote.

      well, people who aren't teatards.

    2. Rotundo_

      We're more the log cabin types when it comes to home brewed homes, but there will be plenty of alternative archetecture available, plywood crates, pallets, etc. As for the hygenic side of things, since large catalogues aren't as common anymore, and newspapers are dying, we may have to go back to the corn cob method. Once you shell the corn off them and soften them, (for a considerable amount of time) they are a smidge more absorbent than leaves and grass, and mulch beautifully as well for the victory garden.

  18. Jerri

    Also, Jeff Stone is the guy who just recently had his ass handed to him when running for Scott's old County Exec job.

  19. EatsBabyDingos

    Geez, citizens have no right to tell business what to do. That''s anti-authoritarian.

    Atlas Yawned.

  20. Sparky_McGruff

    Public health officials are weeping. A few paid sick days go a long way towards keeping everyone healthy… Hell, even without sick days, it would be nice to have some assurance that you won't get fired if you have the flu and decide not to spread it to your co-workers and customers and everyone else.

    Aaaah, screw it. Would you like extra virus and snot on your sandwich, sir?

  21. GuanoFaucet

    Why doesn't he just make all of Wisconsin into a company town, and be done with it. He could call it Wiskochsin.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    When Speaker Pro Tem Bill Kramer (R-Waukesha) asked Berceau if she was calling Republicans zombies, Berceau responded: "That would be a compliment."

    I like Berceau. We need more like her at the national level.

  23. backbaconzgood

    When he's in Madison I hope that the guy that makes his steak has the Flu and can't call off work.

  24. Wilcoxyz

    So this is the new GOP health care plan? Outlaw illness.

    I prefer the Dems' new 'Sick day everyday' plan.

    1. Rotundo_

      Yeah, like Lord "Prostate the size of an NBA regulation basketball" could do anything with it but shake it around like a deflated balloon..

  25. PeaceWithHonor

    I live in California, but I'm still counting the days until we can recall this miserable fuck.

  26. Hatrabbit

    He's not saying you're not allowed to get sick, just that if you get sick you'll lose your job and have to go on the food stamp program.

    Till next week, when he outlaws that Socialist abomination.

  27. SheriffRoscoe

    I'm strongly urging Governor Walker to check that his Hepatitis vaccination is up-to-date, along with any other orofecal type diseases, so long as the food he consumes is handled by persons other than himself. It really sucks to be a jackass who depends on others to serve him or her food and beverages, according to various movies I've seen.

  28. randcoolcatdaddy

    Scott must be trying for that Bradley Genius grant so he'll have something to fall back on when he's recalled in a few months…

  29. OneDollarJuana

    Actually, when the sick all die (as in the Black Plague) there is a resulting labor shortage. Prices rise, as do wages, two things that the Right would hate. Once again, they are shooting themselves in their future feet.

  30. Maman

    Didn't the GOOP say that they were interested in local rule and crap like that? Or am I in some sort of post-ictal state?

  31. MistaEko

    “We need to create a system where the rules are the same community by community,” said Rep. Jeff Stone (R-Greendale).

    How's that states rightsy limited governmenty thing workin' for ya?

  32. SayItWithWookies

    It's the Dick Cheney method of governance — winning an election by whatever means is a mandate, therefore you should grab every damn thing you can while you have access to the cookie jar. Walker, Scott of Florida and Kasich of Ohio need to be carved on a giant mountain of shame (okay, I might need two mountains, as I already want Dubya, Tony Hayward of BP and several other fuckheads I can't recall at the moment up there too) with a "Never Do This Again" warning to all future citizens.

    1. ttommyunger

      American Electorate has the memory of a fucking goose. They wake up in a new world every day, apparently.

    2. BarryOPotter

      you should grab every damn thing you can while you have access to the cookie jar

      If only the Democrats had the balls/brains/stones/TruckNutz/where-with-all to do the same…

      1. tessiee

        They JUST NOW showed that "dental plan" Simpsons episode where Smithers said so and so was last seen when he promised to "clean up the union", and the next thing you saw was a football player tripping over a person-sized lump in the field and going, "Hey! What the hell?"

        Carl: As we all know, our former union president Chuckie Fitzhugh ain't been seen lately. We all hope he'll turn up alive and well.
        *assembled audience laughs derisively*

  33. VaWyo

    Milwaukee gives millions of dollars in tax breaks to business. As part of that deal, these businesses are to provide decent employment to people and that includes sick leave and other benefits. No good middle class jobs, no tax breaks.

    Recall this jackass now and get it over with already.

  34. chicken_thief

    I thought Madison was where all the WI commies and soshulis lived. It appears that the law was enacted a couple of years ago but has been tied up in court. The Appellate Court just overturned a stay granted by the lower court so this looks like the ultimate attack from the flank move.

  35. imissopus

    Let's not overlook the Republicans in the Wisconsin Assembly who passed this damn thing, or the circuit court judge who initially halted implementation of the original ordinances, or the three Wisconsin Supreme Court justices who voted to keep the circuit judge's stay in place, or the business association that sued to stop the ordinance in the first place.

    That being said, I actually have come to love Scott Walker. Every time I think we MUST have reached the depths of his dickishness, he finds new levels to plumb.

  36. Duly_Noted

    As someone who appreciates great literature, it pleases me to see Scott Walker is using "A Christmas Carol" as his blueprint for re-shaping Wisonsin:

    'If they would rather die,' said Scrooge, 'they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

    Scott; the book changes abruptly the further into it you go.

  37. wokeupliberal

    Help me now. I'm so confused. Can I still like government and think Scott Walker is a ratbag? If I want the government out of my womb, which party is my party? Is government good when it's fucking people and bad when it takes care of people? So if I get this mandatory fetus retention situation because the people who don't like government are keeping me from controlling my body, and I get sick, do I have to go to work in Milwaukee? It used to be so easy. When I graduated with my Public Administration masters the MBA's were saying "cut government" and us pinkos were chanting "Tax and spend." What has happened to the pure beauty of partisan politics and class war?

  38. pinkocommi

    Scott Walker has a severe case of political Tourette's syndrome. There's no holding him back.

  39. James Michael Curley

    Don't recall where I found the photo. Google "Lenticular cloud". Since Carson City is elevated in the Rockies, it probably was. Ages ago (1968) while flying a UH-1B to Ft. Carson, Captain Asshole wanted to take it in for a closer look. Almost lost our rotor and dropped 1,000 feet in seconds.

  40. hagajim

    “We need to create a system where the rules are the same community by community,” said Rep. Jeff Stone (R-Greendale).

    Isn't that Central Planning….isn't that what the Commies do?

  41. comrad_darkness

    Cue the next round of flu which will decimate Wisconsin 3x more than any other state. And these retards will stand around and scratch their hairy balls and wonder why.

    Answer: it's because God hates them. (And they're idiots.)

  42. undeadgoat

    RE-instituting? No um excuse me if we only ever did it once in 1851 I think it counts as INSTITUTING.

    Oh look, I still have one thing to be proud about in my home state. I think I'll just go cry some tears of joy, then maybe go hang out at the LaFollette family plot in the cemetery and cry some tears of despair.

  43. Pithaughn

    Milwaukee, site of my first guillotine factory. And, yes the workers will all be unionized, with bennys.

  44. mourningnmerica

    Is there any group of voters that Master Scott has not alienated?

    Scotty, people like me, in all 49 other states are just sitting here, waiting to write checks to get you out, when you are eligible for recall. I can assure you, you little cunt, that you will not survive the recall.

  45. Rayn_And

    Daddy, Can you tell me that story again?…the one about what happens when Democrats don't bother to vote?…

  46. BZ1

    No sick days, what next? why not go down the line, and erase any benefits, child labour, here we come!

  47. Rotundo_

    Nope, the debtors prison would be in Milwaukee, near north side, so that all of Scooter's buddies in places like Mequon can lock in those highly profitable gruel and Nutraloaf contracts with non competitive bids. It'll save them a few bucks on trucking that shit in to feed the serfs.

  48. tessiee

    I, personally, *enjoy* when I have a job and one of my co-workers comes into the office sick, so that the rest of us can catch whatever they have.

    Oh, wait, I didn't mean "enjoy".

  49. Negropolis

    duly elected slave driver

    I tell you, us African Americans would have had it so much better if we could have elected our slave drivers. The campaign would have been a sight to see. Hell, it would have been nice just to have a union.

  50. Negropolis

    Meanwhile, in Michigan, yesterday, the governor and Republican-controlled legislature were thwarted when they tried to roll back employee benefits for same-sex couples because they needed huge majorities in both houses to overturn the ruling of the civil service commission, which is still controlled by former governor Jennifer Granholm's appointments.

    Instead of attacking gays right up front, they have to use the "we can't afford their partners" talking point. Well, now you have to pay for them like you do everyone elses.

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